Now - for Me, for Us, for You! E-Book

Kerema el Christa

• Herausgeber: novum pro Verlag
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Seitenzahl: 171

Beschreibung

Kerema el Christa and her fellow sufferer are trapped - trapped in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. It's not a gilded cage, it's hell. For a long time, they don't realize what dynamics are going on here. After all, there are also nice sides. But after several humiliations, the authors decide to put an end to their respective relationships. Harder than expected. Narcissists don't give up, as they need their counterparts to survive, even though they are erasing the other person. With the greatest mental effort and not least through their shared suffering, the two women finally manage to break out of the negative spiral. How do they manage to do this and how do they feel afterwards? Let us encourage you if you too want to take this step.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

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Foreword

It's incredibly embarrassing and shameful to talk about it ... that's the advantage of those who do it to you. You don't dare confide in others until you simply can't anymore.

Contents of two toxic and/or narcissistic relationships

Before you make the decision, please do yourself a favor - read the two short personal words at the beginning and then decide if buying this book is right for you. The contents can be a great help if you are in a toxic and/or narcissistic relationship and want to free yourself or never end up in such a relationship if you have this knowledge.

Kerema el Christa

Introduction

A brief look at my personal history ... The last three years ...

... to be honest, I still can't believe that it all happened to me and when I realize that it really was three years in which I let my boundaries be crossed almost every day, argued, fought back and felt like I was in a bad movie, sometimes even in a parallel world, I still can't believe it. I found it difficult to forgive myself. In the end, it made me humble. What does that mean? Before this time, I was quick to say to others haughtily and rashly: "You can do it, pull yourself together, there's always a way, you just have to want it and see it through", but I wouldn't dare do that today. Never in my life have I been so lost and distanced from myself. I am incredibly proud of the fact that I have managed to pull myself out of it in a relatively short space of time and I know that this is not something that can be taken for granted. I have decided to share these experiences and learning curves, even if it won't be easy and it will be difficult for me, I want to give many people the opportunity to realize earlier than I did that it is important to leave life situations and people that are harmful to themselves. However, this is easier said than done. No, it's so difficult that I still carry it inside me to this day. What helped me in the end? I found someone to talk to who had experienced almost exactly what I had. If this had happened to me earlier, I might have been able to understand much more more quickly and would probably have saved myself a lot. Now we would like to pass on to you what we have experienced, namely helping each other. You decide whether you need us or not. No matter what you decide, you are great just the way you are, unique and wonderful ... Never forget that!

A brief look at my personal history ... The last 18 years ...

How difficult it is for me to write this part. There are a thousand thoughts, but you're still so empty and nothing gets written. It's like an emotional burn-out and you just stand there and watch it burn - without being able or willing to put it out. I don't know how you can even put so many emotions into words. Of course I was also happy. Of course there were great moments and of course I'm grateful to him for many things, but I still find it very difficult to write about it because I simply don't have the words. But I'll try to summarize my downfall over the 18 years in a few sentences. On the whole, I can say that I simply overlooked so many red flags and in the end I didn't even notice them anymore, as they had simply become the norm for me. I could no longer differentiate between them. And actually I just accepted it and put up with it. I no longer fought. I just swallowed it. Yes, I know, it's my own fault, but those who know this situation understand me. And yes, of course I did it for the sake of the children. Because how could I even think about separating? You don't do that when you have children. And you don't get rid of them! Because once you love, you love forever. That was my planted belief. But what about me and my beliefs? Why can't they be allowed to germinate in fertile soil? After all, they are my seeds and my soil as well as my inner garden, which I shape as I see fit.

When I look back on everything, I have the feeling that I wasn't even present at times. I was deaf, dumb, blind and controlled by others. A shell of my true self. Somehow everything was so fast, but still in slow motion. Again, I can't put this into words, just like many other things. Nevertheless, I can say that it is a liberating feeling that I can now live a self-determined life. I can do everything I want. Without permission, a guilty conscience, questions, accusations, justifications, etc. I'm finding myself bit by bit and I'm very excited about the road ahead and looking forward to taking further steps and letting down all my walls. I could go on writing here, but there's more space for that elsewhere ... ;)

Important explanation of the contents

Attention! The statements we have named were all made to us in real life, completely independently of each other, and are neither invented nor made up ... unfortunately. This is not about having said something wrong in anger, but about having been confronted with such statements on a daily/weekly basis. Incidentally, that doesn't mean that the other person didn't have a good side or wasn't a good person, otherwise it wouldn't have been so difficult to let go or you would never have entered into a close relationship. It's also not about portraying yourself as a victim and the other person(s) as the perpetrator. In the end, it just wasn't a good fit and it would have been great if this had arrived in your mind and heart sooner. But, as we all know, hope dies last. We now know that there are many people who are in narcissistic and/or toxic relationships. It is incredibly difficult to stay sane in such relationships and to see through the fog of humiliation, insults, belittling, manipulation, gaslighting, psychological and physical violence and remain clear. We experienced it and today we are very grateful to have each left this place of a relationship in our own way. One thing that helped us a lot was talking to each other and sharing our experiences. Sounds pretty trivial, but it wasn't at all. Because one thing stood out to us: Toxic/narcissistic relationship partners all seem to be extremely similar in what they do and how they do it, and it was precisely this that helped us to recognize and realize that we are not innocent, but that we have allowed things to happen to us that have absolutely no place in a healthy relationship with another person. And that's exactly why the following content is here to show you this. If you are in a similar situation, this should give you reassurance: you are not wrong, your perception is correct, listen to your gut feeling and please don't let your own clarity be blurred. We were both looking for something exactly like this in our time, something that would have given us certainty and clarity that we were not (quote): "Sick, too sensitive or crazy." In addition to the toxic and/or narcissistic content from our personal perspectives, we have taken the liberty of adding two pieces of content that we hope will help you; specifically, what helped us to deal with it and what a professional would say about it. But now let's get started ...

1 "You are a bad mother/father"

Perspective from a three-year relationship

The fact that I even think about whether I'm a bad mother is impressive, I think. Once again, he's done it. My child talks too much, seeks too much closeness, I take too much care, let too much get away with things, my child needs to become more independent and tougher, my child goes to bed too late and I don't have time for the relationship. I could go on and on, but I'll leave it alone for my own peace of mind. Doesn't every mother doubt whether she is a good mother from time to time anyway? I do, which might be because I'm not an assembly line mom and haven't raised a hundred children with the corresponding try-and-error experience. I can well remember that as a woman without a child, I liked to think something like the above. But I hadn't had a child yet and didn't know what wonderful love was hidden in it. Today I know and I am amazed that I was able to allow my counterpart to judge both me and my child. Of course, I also made a lot of mistakes. Nevertheless, I am not a bad mother ... I love my child. I also care about my child, my child is ten years old today. Of course I'm not strict enough sometimes and let things slide. But my child goes to bed at 8 p.m. and is with his father three nights a week. Many couples wish they had that much time for themselves. Of course, this is all my subjective opinion and my counterpart certainly sees things very, very differently. I was very interested in this for a while. But who are you to tell a mother that she is a bad mother? Honestly, I would be ashamed if I had to say that to another woman. Who would I be to judge your life without having experienced it myself. I would really like to get one thing off my chest right now: How is a child supposed to practise dictation themselves? The idea of a narcissist/toxic person: Have your child sit down, read the sentences to themselves each time and then write them down. I could still puke, sorry.

Perspective from an 18-year relationship

You're a bad mother ... It was shouted in my face several times during arguments. I internalized it after a while and actually googled it. I googled it! Several times! Maybe it sounds familiar to you? But I was so full of self-doubt that I first needed a definition. I sacrificed myself for the family for years, did everything for the kids - daycare, school, friends, playdates, sports, visits to the doctor, not to mention the endless sleepless nights because we had a spitting-up baby and the other child was a premature baby, then there were all the colds, the pseudo-croup attacks, gastrointestinal illnesses and other aches and pains, the little teeth, getting dry, pacifier fairy and everything else. Plus, of course, a job, the household, her studies and not forgetting her role as a wife. All this, and actually even more, in a 24-hour day. Of course, I was also at the end of my tether at times and needed some time to myself. Then he told me to go shopping to relax ... time for myself, to switch off. I mean, he came home after work - the kids were ready for bed, dinner was on the table and the housework was done - and I was game over. He would always ask me snippily what I had been doing all day! A bit of housework and the like wouldn't be that difficult. He often helped me with the housework, but I took it for granted that I would manage the children, the household and everything else. Well, I wouldn't be a bad mother if I went to the gym several times a week or if I wanted to meet up with a friend in the evening. No, I'm not neglecting my children, as I always left when EVERYTHING was done around the house and the kids were in bed. And there's nothing wrong with me going out several times. After all, there were phases or years when I didn't go out. In my opinion, it's all a question of balance. But why do you have to listen to this question at all? No one has the right to call you a bad parent. No one has to hear that you have failed at parenting and that he feels sorry for the children because they have such a mentally ill mother - and NO, he is not a psychologist, therapist or anything like that. But he still said it several times in front of the children, but of course only in arguments when he was angry or upset. In hindsight, I had to forgive him because his impulsiveness meant that he didn't mean what he said. The statement: "When you're angry, you sometimes say things you don't want to say" ... "I didn't mean it like that" ... "Please forget it..." Saying in front of the children: "What kind of mother are you anyway? Leaving the family just because you want to live your life, because you want to go partying, because you're selfish and only think about yourself. Think about what you're doing to the children by separating. You're taking the family away from the children and only thinking about your shitty work and your horny bitch friends. You're the very worst!"

Inspiration for you or what has helped me/us

Just ask yourself whether it is true that you are a bad mother. Are your children healthy, are they fed, do they have a roof over their heads, toys and something to wear, do they get love and time from you and are they content and happy? Do you want the best for your child and are you developing them... YES! No more questions, your honor. And yes, I sometimes grumble, don't always have time and show boundaries. That's also my job as a mother. I'm a good mother and I'm proud of that. Unfortunately, I only read this recently: If you're looking for a man who accepts you and your child in the future, pay attention to the following - he shouldn't be interested in when your child goes to sleep, but when you have dinner together.

"Be grateful, that some things didn't work out the way you wanted them to, the way you wanted them to. Maybe that has saved you from greater harm or will lead you to things that have so much more in store for you. So trust that that life has a plan for you. Even if you may not be able to see it now."

(Source: visualstatements/Instagram)

Professional view from systemic consulting

Viewed neutrally, everything I say usually says more about myself than about the other person. Even when viewed neutrally, a "reflective" mother always questions herself. And yes, reflected fathers also question themselves. However, it tends not to be expedient for the respective partner, whether man or woman, to fuel this questioning.

Interaction in a healthy relationship requires clarity and purposeful conversations for both sides. It could be a good idea to ask yourself the following question, both alone and together.

What goals and wishes does everyone have for themselves and together within our relationship/family?

What is our understanding of our role?

What expectations do we both have of each other?

And what happens when you find yourself in the vortex of the relationship described above?

There was something about "equality". The role model of the classic housewife, coined in the early 1960s, who opened the door for her husband, freshly styled, and then handed him the freshly cooked meal at the table after taking off his shoes and hanging up his jacket. At that time, a woman's professional career was in fact not envisaged at all. This image resulted in different models of motherhood, which are still anchored in the minds of many people today.

What can help here: talking to your partner about expectations, goals and wishes within the relationship/family. Developing a shared view of time and building on mutual support. Breaking down traditional role models and self-images and creating a new image that suits you. As well as reflecting on where your own image comes from and what the future understanding of each other could look like. Sounds like a lot of work. And it is. But it's worth talking about it in stages and implementing it together.

2 "What have you already gotten shit for in your life"

Perspective from a three-year relationship

WOW ... I realize that my three-page CV might not say anything about how I live my life in real life, but I've never dared to say that I haven't had any shit to anyone and I never would. Of course, I could have first asked what the other person actually meant or what they were trying to tell me, but then I changed my mind and actually freaked out. Why, because I find it disgusting that someone is judging my life when he/she has only known me for three years and doesn't know 42 at all. So WOW ... I'll just leave it at that. Although I do have a great addition. Maybe you know this one too. All my girlfriends haven't had their lives fucked according to my counterpart and are sluts, although my counterpart doesn't even know them all, let alone their lives. My brother didn't get shit either ... if he knew. That's also how everyone else in the town I live in thinks about me, according to my counterpart. But that's worth an extra chapter.

Perspective from an 18-year relationship

You are NOTHING without your mother! With the words: "If the word 'mother's daughter' existed, you would have invented it ...", he expressed his respect for me and my mother. The mother or grandmother who drove the kids to training and/or appointments two to four times a week and occasionally prepared lunch and looked after the animals. This happened at a time when we were both working almost full-time and my mother had volunteered to do this. The children were really happy and he didn't mind that the food was ready and the children were in good and safe hands. "Your mother keeps up the whole household for you while you pick up some horny colleagues at work. Who knows what you're doing there" - "Yes, working, what else!" "And you'd be lost without your mother's opinion. Stop letting your mother guide and influence you like that," I had to listen to. "She's just manipulating you and only wants you for herself. She's never wanted to let you go and has always interfered." - "NO, she's never done that, but OK, my friend!" But still YES, because without my mother WE wouldn't have gotten shit done!!! My mother always helped - took the little ones for a walk when I was dead tired, looked after them when we were out and about or invited out, baked, cooked, did arts and crafts with the kids, took them shopping, drove with them until they fell asleep because we had appointments, and was there for us day and night. And you took it to the extreme with the statement "Your mother is with us too often". How could she look after the kids and not be with us? But yes, she supposedly wanted to break us up and was happy when I finally separated after many attempts. What nonsense in the aftermath.

Inspiration for you or what has helped me/us

Again, ask yourself whether this actually corresponds to reality. How likely is that? Everyone has their own truth, their own values and norms, their own ideas about life. That's all fine. But please, don't project your deficits onto me. I've been super satisfied with my life so far and very, very happy. Leave it alone and, above all, leave me alone. Thank you and get wellsoon*!

"EVERYWHERE you are no longer disappointed by what another person does. You're more disappointed by your own stupidity, that you seriously expected something else."

(Source: mared_officiall/Instagram)

Professional view from systemic consulting