6,55 €
Mehr erfahren.
If you’ve been called "too sensitive," yet you crave the connection, fun, and love dating can offer, this book is for you. Sensitive women, including empaths and codependents, are especially prone to the games and manipulation that take place online.
Author Michelle Gibeault encountered many narcissists and other energy vampires while navigating online dating following a difficult divorce. She details the tips and tools she used to protect her energy, increase her confidence, and strengthen her self-love, all in order to find her ideal partner. Learn from Michelle’s mistakes, as she candidly shares her dating experiences with humor and compassion.
This book is not just about finding your perfect match. It is about uncovering the best version of you - the woman who chooses herself first.
Das E-Book können Sie in Legimi-Apps oder einer beliebigen App lesen, die das folgende Format unterstützen:
Seitenzahl: 433
Ähnliche
ONLINE DATING
for
SENSITIVE WOMEN
––––––––
A proven system to build your
confidence, protect your
energy, and attract your
perfect partner
––––––––
Michelle Gibeault
Copyright © 2021 by Michelle Gibeault
All rights reserved.
This book contains information related to health and wellness. It should only be used to supplement the advice of your doctor or other trained health professional. All efforts have been made to assure the accuracy of the information contained within. Results may vary. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the author.
ISBN: (Ebook) 978-1-7375085-0-2
ISBN: (Paperback) 978-1-7375085-1-9
Cover Design by Michelle Gibeault
Happy Healthy Her Publications
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Introduction
About This Book
Phase 1: Prepare for Connection
Chapter 1: Assess Your Readiness
Chapter 2: Plan for the Pros
Chapter 3: Consider the Cons
Chapter 4: Realize It Is Unreal
Chapter 5: Learn the Games
Chapter 6: Watch for Red Flags
Chapter 7: Get to Know the Players
Chapter 8: Be on Alert for Manipulators
Chapter 9: Establish a Support System
Chapter 10: Practice Safety First
Chapter 11: Know Yourself
Chapter 12: Determine What You Want
Phase 2: Put Yourself Out There
Chapter 13: Review the Dating Sites
Chapter 14: Set Up a Successful Profile
Chapter 15: Consider Compatibility
Chapter 16: Be Open-Minded
Chapter 17: Maintain Healthy Self-Esteem
Chapter 18: Connect With Ease
Chapter 19: Have a Great First Date
Chapter 20: Assess the Relationship
Chapter 21: Avoid Common Mistakes
Chapter 22: Live Your Life
Phase 3: Get Serious About Love
Chapter 23: Heal Your Broken Heart
Chapter 24: Fall in Love With Yourself
Chapter 25: Call in Your Life Partner
Chapter 26: Recognize a Healthy Relationship
A Final Pep Talk
Resources
Afterword / Acknowledgements
About the Author
This book is for all the women who have been called “too sensitive.” Beautiful women, your sensitivity is your greatest strength. Someone will love your tender heart. I know I do.
For Ilia, who has supported me, loved me, and healed me unconditionally. You are the yang to my yin. I love you indubitably.
For Chelle, my compass, my cheerleader, my dearest friend, thank you for reminding me of my worth. Without your support and encouragement, I would not be where I am today. I am eternally grateful.
For Mom, the strongest woman I know. You led by example, even if I wasn’t always quick to follow. I am grateful for all you have taught me. I am a strong woman because an even stronger woman raised me.
For Dad, who continues to watch over me. Thank you for sending such a supportive partner. He reminds me of you in so many of the best ways.
Introduction
Have you been told you are “too sensitive?”
Are you committed to being kind and considerate; what society calls a “good girl?”
Are you afraid to date, but you also don’t want to end up alone?
Have you been through a devastating divorce or a challenging break-up, and you are not sure you can love again?
If any of these apply, this book is for you. As a sensitive woman, you care deeply about others and always try to do what is right. You have made a life out of putting others’ needs before your own, which often meant you ended up in one-sided relationships that left you depleted. Perhaps you have protected your sensitive heart by avoiding romantic relationships altogether. You may even be like me, a mix of these experiences, having lived through a draining marriage and then a period of lonely solitude following divorce.
Whatever your personal life challenges have brought, there is a common thread that all sensitive women share — a hunger for a meaningful, loving connection. We are wired to share deep love with others. It is a natural part of our lives.
However, we live in a world that feels foreign. People can be so insensitive and cruel. As interactions move increasingly online, it feels even harder to experience the deep connections that we crave. The world of online dating is especially challenging for sensitive women, who often feel more comfortable with the energetic exchange of interacting face-to-face.
Personally, I developed a love/hate relationship with online dating over the nearly two years I explored its rocky waters. Diving in headfirst six months after my divorce, I was naïve and vulnerable. I didn’t understand the unreal world that I was swimming through, and the sharks always seemed to be lurking. Quickly, I found myself confused, insecure, and lonelier than I had ever been.
Sounds awful, right? It could be.
It was also exhilarating! As I realized I had far more power than I ever imagined, and that I could still be loving and kind on my own terms, a whole new world opened up. I experienced fun dates, met interesting men, discovered how brave and resilient I was, all while falling in love with my life and myself. This ultimately led to meeting an amazing partner!
From one sensitive woman to another, I truly want you to experience the joys of online dating without the awkwardness, frustration, and disappointment. Please learn from my mistakes! Think of me as a trusted friend who whole-heartedly wants you to find the love you deserve. If I can do it, you can too. I have your back every step of the way.
My Story: The Bad Side of Being Good
I am the typical “good girl.” I have always lived by the Golden Rule. In fact, I have lived by lots of rules in my life, mostly aimed at doing what is right. I am also an empath who feels others’ emotions and energy, often deeply connecting to their pain and sadness. Likewise, I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) whose nervous system is easily overwhelmed. Furthermore, I am the INFJ personality type, known as “The Advocate” or “Counselor,” who is drawn to serve others. These inherent aspects led me to put others’ needs and wants before my own.
It took me until my late 30s to realize that this focus on others was actually codependency. Since then, I learned that the root of codependency is a lack of self-love that fuels a strong need to please others and gain their approval. Looking to others for validation and love is unhealthy, yet it is the natural inclination of many sensitive women.
To fulfill society’s expectations, we believe we must be kind, smart, funny, pretty, considerate, and happy. ALL. THE. TIME. It is exhausting and unrealistic. Not to mention, the outward focus on pleasing others primes us for manipulation.
For most of my life, I did not even believe that toxic or manipulative people existed. I had an overly optimistic belief that everyone was doing the best they could in life, and that people only take or abuse because they don’t know any better. The truth is, many people manipulate, lie, cheat, and steal. These toxic people know exactly what they are doing. They seek sensitive women because we are easy targets.
I don’t regret being good, kind, or sensitive, but I do recognize that my focus on doing so above my own needs has caused me to lose out on a lot of joy and shared love. In addition, it has led to a great deal of emotional abuse and illness throughout my life, as I have attracted an overwhelming number of narcissists and energy vampires.
It took me a whopping 46 years to learn the hard lessons I am sharing with you here. No matter where you are on your life journey, I hope you will gain knowledge and support from this information.
Love Came Walking In
My story has an incredibly beautiful ending. After nearly two years of being on and off the online dating apps, I hit my limit. I met and dated several seemingly nice men, but they all turned out to be disappointing. They just could not meet the intensity of my heart.
As 2019 started, I set my intention on doing things differently. No more hiding myself or lowering my expectations. I had written a powerful affirmation in my journal:
I will no longer settle for less than I deserve!
That first week of January, a man reached out to me from a dating app I had forgotten I was on. Our coffee date went well. He was quiet, but seemed nice, a safe match even if there wasn’t much of a spark. I felt hopefully optimistic that it was going to be my year for love. Driving home from the date, Van Halen’s “Love Walks In” came on the radio, one of many signs from the Universe that things were looking up.
Two weeks later an eagle flew in front of my car as I was getting onto the highway near my home. Eagles symbolize freedom and personal power. It reminded me I was in control of my life.
The following week, a powerful full moon eclipse occurred in my sign of Leo. At that point, I had been trying to maintain friendly connections with men I had met online. However, I realized I could no longer give my energy away to people who didn’t fully support me. The Universe will not allow positive new opportunities to arrive if old attachments are still lingering, so I cut ties completely in a full moon release ceremony and vowed again to reclaim my power and freedom.
That night I reconnected with an acquaintance I knew almost 20 years before. He felt comfortable, safe, and familiar. Furthermore, he was a solid catch with a beautiful home. We dated for several weeks, but like the prior man, there was just no spark. Despite this, he started making plans for me to meet his family the following weekend. I felt as though I was again giving away my power, getting swept into a safe, yet boring pattern I had known before.
Feeling anxious and energetically blocked, I booked an appointment with a trusted energy healer. As she worked on my body, a pronounced heaviness lifted. She reminded me I couldn’t ignore my inner knowing. My spirit was always talking to me.
As I was driving home from the appointment, I received a text from the man I had been seeing. He said he didn’t think things would work out. I felt blindsided and confused. Just then, a hawk swept down from a nearby tree and flew in front of my car. Hawks are my sign of validation and support. I knew things were happening for my highest good. Yet I couldn’t quite shake the feelings of frustration. Would I ever meet the right one?
At the beginning of February, I pulled my energies away from the online dating world and focused more attention on the self-love efforts I had been working with for months. I knew deep down that I was better off alone than settling for someone safe. Not sure I even wanted to keep my dating profile active, I boldly changed my description to state that anyone who wanted my attention needed to read my entire profile and be prepared to ask me out for coffee or dinner. I was just so tired of all the games.
In the meantime, I got back to living my life. I met up with an intuitive friend with whom I always had a strong connection. We hiked to the top of a nearby mountain and settled in on some rocks. As we spoke of how oddly peaceful both of our lives seemed to be, a large turkey vulture kept circling overhead. Vultures had been showing up around me ever since my dad passed nearly five years before. My friend and I thanked Spirit for joining us. I told her candidly that I was craving more passion in my relationships. I wanted someone who treated me well, while also truly lighting me up. She validated my request, stating that she believed I would have both.
The following afternoon, I put on my most empowering playlist and headed out for a walk in my neighborhood. I ended up at the swing set of a nearby park. As I settled onto a swing, it started to drizzle. I didn’t care. I felt so alive and free. I said aloud, “I love myself. I love my life. I have built what I wanted. I have all that I need. I am so blessed and lucky. I am grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” As a final surrender to the anguish I had been experiencing in online dating, I threw in, “I don’t need anyone else to complete me. I am whole as I am.” I continued to swing higher and higher, letting the rain clear the tears that had come to my eyes. It felt like years of grief and self-doubt were washing away.
When I returned home, I flipped open my laptop to find a message from a man from Match.com. I hesitated before opening it, feeling so good with my newly declared freedom. The man assured me he had read my very long profile right to the end and he would like to take me out for dinner or coffee at the location of my choice. He asked if we could talk on the phone first to get to know each other better. We spoke on the phone that night for nearly four hours.
It is cliché to say, but it truly felt like we had known each other our entire lives. When I first got divorced, I had a strong sense that my dad would send someone to watch over me. The man I was speaking to on the phone had a laugh that reminded me of my dad. He even used a silly expression that Dad used to say that I had never heard anyone else use. He told me that as a first-generation Greek, family was especially important to him. I share that same value. I tried to stay grounded in reality, but it blew me away how comfortable I felt.
During the call, I revealed that my love languages were gifts and words of affirmation. I mentioned that my ex-husband had always told me I didn’t need flowers and refused to honor my request for even a single rose to show me he cared. This new man assured me he would never be so thoughtless.
I had the following Monday off from work, so we planned to meet for an early dinner at a diner halfway between our homes. Driving to dinner, I tried to stay calm. I tended to get my hopes up for first dates. I wanted this time to be different. However, my horoscope had been eerily predictive stating that, “a cross-cultural connection will thrive.” A hawk again flew in front of my car, and I saw the number patterns 222 and 333 on license plates of passing cars, followed by 4:44 flashing on the clock. I knew these positive signs from Spirit well, because they had been happening for years.
My date arrived early and had already asked the wait staff if they could recommend some gluten-free menu items for me. When I walked in, he was standing beside a corner booth, a single pink rose in his hand. I immediately felt at ease in his welcoming energy. Throughout our dinner conversation, I continued to feel so comfortable. We had many things in common, including an interest in astrology and the spiritual synchronicities of life.
Toward the end of the date, he reached across the table and took both of my hands in his. A feeling of warmth radiated through my body. We both got teary-eyed as he shared something amazing that had happened to him just a few weeks prior. His tenant, who lived in the third-floor apartment of the childhood home he now owned, had been hearing noises. She requested the services of an energy clearer/medium.
The medium shared that there was a female Spirit present. This Spirit, likely his Aunt who had passed in 1996, was tired of how poorly women treated her nephew. She promised that if he cleared the space in front of the window in the back hall that she liked to look out of, she would send him a kind woman to love. He was happy to honor his Aunt’s request and felt amazed and excited to be meeting me, the woman she may have sent.
We spent hours chatting in that corner booth, oblivious to the world around us. When we got up to leave, it stunned me to see my ex-husband in a booth near the door. I hadn’t seen him in two years. I couldn’t hide the wash of joy that was surely on my face, a beautiful rose clutched gratefully in my hand.
In the parking lot, as I reflected on such a strange chance meeting given that I had never even been to that diner, my date leaned in and said, “He had to see what he lost.” He then asked if he could kiss me. I felt a rush of emotions as we had our first kiss, a super full moon shining brightly in the clear sky above our heads.
Between my mountaintop confession and his Aunt’s promise, after over two years together there is no question in our minds that we were meant to meet. All the challenging times we had spent in past relationships and in online dating proved to be worth it. Those experiences enabled us to find one another.
Every moment together is fun. We can talk about absolutely anything. He makes me feel completely at ease. His unconditional love has healed me in ways that I never thought possible. Our growing love story emboldens me to share what I have learned on this wild dating journey.
No Going Back
There have been moments in writing this book that I considered not discussing the most painful details of my failed marriage or aspects of my current partnership. I thought, “What will people think? It is all too personal.” I want to address my own concerns, if only to make an important declaration. I will not go back into hiding.
When we hide the most painful pieces of our lives, they fester and grow under a blanket of shame. However, when we share the pain, we release and transform it into a powerful lesson. Likewise, sharing stories of joy and love gives others hope. Both outcomes can help to heal, which has always been a powerful piece of my life’s purpose.
If I am ever single again, it will not negate the value of the information I share here. Nothing is permanent, but once you love yourself fully, and then welcome in the joy of being with someone who loves you fully too, you accept nothing less.
The sensitive woman who writes to you today is much more courageous, self-assured, and certain of her worth. This book is not just about finding your perfect partner. It is about finding the best version of you — the woman who chooses herself first.
I made a promise to the Universe and myself that once I made it through my divorce I would reach my hand back to pull other women forward with me. I am grateful that I can finally honor that promise. I don’t want any woman to struggle with the self-doubt, shame, or guilt that I needlessly carried. I want all sensitive women to recognize and honor their inherent strength, beauty, and enduring light, so they can shine fully.
About This Book
If you’re like me, you like to be prepared. I always skim through the “Table of Contents” before tackling a nonfiction book. Oftentimes, there are sections I can’t wait to dive into.
I broke this book into three phases that I feel should be followed sequentially to achieve the best result. You are certainly welcome to jump around to the different sections, but I highly suggest that you fully review the “Phase 1: Prepare for Connection” section.
This first section is the “tough love” portion of the book. It is much longer than the subsequent phases because I believe it is the most important. If you liken dating to painting a house, the prep work of buying the supplies, putting down tarps, and taping the walls, takes longer and is more tedious than the painting itself. Yet, that preparation is vital for a successful project. Consider this your support so you don’t get paint on your beautiful hardwood floors, or that sweet, sensitive heart stomped on!
The information covered in Phase 1 represents the knowledge that I was clueless about when I started out online. We are going to get real about the challenges of dating so you can avoid all the confusion, embarrassment, and heartache I experienced. What we cover there can help you not only navigate a successful relationship, but also gain clarity around the manipulation that sensitive women often encounter in all areas of life.
I want you to be prepared mentally and emotionally, so that when you are ready for “Phase 2: Put Yourself Out There,” you will feel confident and at ease. In that section, we talk about the basics of online dating and the realities of dating in general. We will review the various online dating platforms, cover what to include in a captivating profile, and tackle how to approach first dates with excitement rather than dread.
Once you are out there in the dating world, “Phase 3: Get Serious About Love,” gives you practical tools for fully healing your heart, living a vibrant life, and calling in your true love. This section taps into the spiritual principles of the Law of Attraction and the power of intention. I hope you will embrace this with an open mind and open heart, because I believe these alchemical efforts maximized the love in my life, including my own self-love. Once I loved myself fully, the Universe sent me the truly loving partner who was right for me.
Throughout this journey, I suggest keeping track of your thoughts and feelings in a journal. You can do that on your computer in a Word document, in a notebook, or in a print journal. Whatever format you choose, make it your own. Use fun fonts, bold colors, and a favorite pen. During my dating progression, I found it incredibly helpful to process my feelings and emotions through writing. I kept an online journal, along with a Wonder Woman notebook that made me feel powerful.
I wrote this book from my personal perspective as a white, heterosexual woman. I welcome individuals of all races, sexual preferences, and genders to learn from my experience. I believe the core messages shared around dating, confidence, and self-love are pertinent to all sensitive people. However, I recognize I can only relay my experiences from my unique lens, which may differ from yours. Please use what works for you and leave the rest.
You’ll notice that throughout the book I share my personal experiences with the men I met. I don’t refer to these men by name and have obscured most of their identifying details to protect their privacy. I appreciate the men I met, even the manipulators. I believe we were all doing the best we could with the tools we had. I don’t want to vilify any of these men, even if they hurt me. I have forgiven them for any perceived wrongdoings, as I hope they have done the same for me. They ultimately helped me grow into the stronger, more resilient woman I am today.
One of the most beautiful gifts of finding your ideal partner is that you realize all of those other people were doing you a favor by not meeting your expectations. They gave you clarity and the freedom to find your best match. On an even greater level, the people who hurt you help you recognize a powerful truth — you are always better off alone than settling for someone who doesn’t honor and support you fully.
The Keys to Finding a Loving Partnership
I truly want you to find a genuine, happy, healthy partnership. Therefore, right up front, I’m going to share the most critical pieces of information I uncovered through my dating experiences. If you can accept these principles, you are well on your way to a loving partnership.
1. You are worthy of love and happiness! You must recognize your worth and make your needs a priority if you want to draw in a healthy relationship based on reciprocity and mutual respect.
2. Good men exist. I hear women all the time saying that there are no good men. What you believe and say carries powerful energy. If you don’t believe you can meet a kind, loving partner, then your chances of doing so are very limited.
3. If a man is interested in you, he will do everything in his power to be with you. Men are not that complicated. Genuine love is not complicated either. When a man wants to get to know you better, he will make it happen. PERIOD. If someone is playing games with you, delaying responses, or putting you low on his priority list, he is not your person. We are told that relationships require work and anguish. The truth is unhealthy relationships are difficult. Healthy partnerships are easy and filled with joy.
4. Dating should always be fun! If it stops being fun, game over. Take a break. Give yourself some time to regroup and then try again when you are ready. The only reason to date is to expand the joy in your life. If dating is causing you sadness, self-doubt, or even inconvenience, it is not worth the effort.
5. You only need to meet one person. Online dating can feel overwhelming and competitive. With all the focus on the “likes” and the messages, it can feel like a numbers game where you need to garner as much attention as possible or you are losing. That is not true. You only need to connect with one quality person to win at love.
6. Actions speak louder than words. There are loads of men who will tell you everything you want to hear. However, very few men will consistently display integrity, honesty, empathy, and accountability. Watch for behaviors to match a person’s words. When they do, you know you have met a genuine person. It takes at least a month for a person to show you who they are, so give everyone you meet time before you commit to them.
******
The keys to successful online dating are the same keys to success in life. Be confident, know what you want, stay true to yourself, and have fun. Once you know how to navigate the unique challenges of online dating, having a successful partnership takes very little effort.
Phase 1: Prepare for Connection
Here’s where we get real about how ready you are for an online dating experience. It is fine to decide that you aren’t ready, especially if you’ve been through a recent breakup or divorce. It is a wise and healthy decision for many of you reading this for the first time to process this information without jumping online.
You may need to read through this section carefully, establish a support system, and even commit to a period of solitude or further healing before you’re ready to move on to Phase 2. Please take your time!
You can’t rush love. Sometimes we need time and space before we can fully accept a loving partnership. In the meantime, enjoy yourself and live your life fully. Being single provides a wonderful time for savoring your freedom and falling in love with your life. That kind of enthusiasm and self-love are the very things that draw in a healthy partnership.
Chapter 1: Assess Your Readiness
I thought I was ready for online dating. I was incredibly excited to get back out into the world. I had spent all of 2016 with my head down, focused solely on rebuilding my life. I had a very busy job at a hospice center with an hour-long commute. On my days off, I focused on all the draining tasks of my divorce. Although I worked with some wonderful people, I had moved to be closer to the job, which meant I was further away from all of my long-term friends. As a result, I was lonelier than I had ever been.
The divorce was final in September 2016. With that pressure no longer lingering over my head, I got brave enough to approach my managers. I was struggling with fatigue and I needed a break. Their response was shockingly cold. They ultimately forced me to quit, giving up my health benefits and all my earned vacation and sick time. I dutifully stayed on part-time as they attempted to hire for my position. After several months, no one would agree to the low salary I had accepted. I was driving to an interview for a contract position when a bald eagle flew over my car. That was my sign. I was FREE! I quit my job that afternoon.
That was in January 2017. I am always optimistic at the beginning of a new year. There I was totally on my own, an odd mix of elated and terrified. I thought I was fully aware of my codependency issues and even my propensity to attract narcissists and energy vampires. I was confident that the awareness was enough to protect me. Nevertheless, I was still a “good girl” at heart, believing that most people were kind and had good intentions. That was very naïve, especially for someone who was about to throw herself into the world’s weirdest cocktail party.
Although I was eager to make new connections, I was not fully prepared mentally and emotionally to set the appropriate boundaries. What I now understand is that the online world is not as transparent as the real one. It is harder to read cues or trust your intuition. Likewise, manipulative men who seem perfect are poised and ready to fool sensitive, trusting women.
My hopeful heart believed that the men I met were going to give me the love and attention I desperately craved. What we desire can often skew our perception. The reality of online dating is that no one is quite who they seem. You must recognize that in order to protect your heart.
Some Tough Love Is Necessary
It is also crucial that you realize that while you may want a partner, you do not need one. This powerful shift in mindset keeps you grounded and confident. Partnership is nice, but we are all whole and complete on our own. We do not need a romantic partner in our lives. Too often, we settle for someone because we believe we need them, and, as was true in my case, we are struggling with the pain of loneliness that drives us to disregard our intuition.
It is best not to date when you are lonely. It is like the nutrition advice I give as a dietitian, which is to not grocery shop when you are hungry. In both situations, your judgment is impaired. It is better to spend time with friends, enjoy hobbies, or work on your self-love before attempting online dating in a lonely, vulnerable state.
Questions to Consider Before Dating
That being said, finding a partner to share your life with is an exciting endeavor. Love and companionship are truly wonderful experiences. It is absolutely worth putting yourself out there once you are prepared.
However, you must put in the effort and energy that a successful relationship demands. It is important to be completely honest with yourself about where you are emotionally. Following are some tough questions that can help guide you in knowing if you are truly ready to put yourself out there.
Am I OK with being alone? Do I have a support system outside of a romantic partnership?
I mentioned earlier that I felt very lonely right before I tried online dating. I have wonderful friends and family. However, during my divorce, I was so consumed by my day-to-day survival that I was not maintaining my personal relationships. I had not been reaching out appropriately for support and had cocooned myself. That meant that when I got the impulse to date, I did it with a bit of desperation. I felt like I needed a companion to do things with, and even someone to help me heal the broken heart I had amassed through my empty and loveless marriage.
Manipulative, toxic people can sense loneliness and desperation. They have uncanny radar for agreeable women who will accept less than they deserve. The first man I dated seriously was a narcissist who love bombed me for the first three months of our relationship. I will talk more about that later. The bottom line here is that I needed to be nurturing my existing social connections, so I had the confidence and reassurance that I did not need a man to be happy.
If you realize that your support system needs work, make a list of all the friends and family members you can count on and start actively contacting them to catch up. Make plans for coffee or meet for a hike so that you can work your social muscles. If you were like me and had been in a long relationship, you may have to relearn how to socialize. There is no shame in that. It is a natural by-product of the busyness of life. If your social connections need work, consider trying Meetup.com, joining a church, or signing up for classes that will put you in contact with like-minded people.
It is also extremely helpful to have at least one friend who is experiencing (or has experienced) online dating. That person can be a sounding board for you to pose questions or address any strange behaviors that are sure to arise. I started a new job just after I joined online dating. After a few months of working in that predominantly female office, I learned a colleague was also online dating. She offered a great deal of information, validation, and comic relief. It was comforting to feel less alone.
There are online forums on dating or designed for sensitive women. They offer a place to ask for advice or support. I am also available as a resource. I offer compassionate coaching from a place of true knowing. You can find my contact information at the end of the book.
Do I love myself enough to give love to someone else?
This one is painful. I thought I loved myself. However, I was harboring a tremendous amount of guilt and shame from having to leave my marriage. Despite not doing anything wrong in asking for a divorce from someone who had been dismissive, cruel, and unloving, I felt like a bad person. I did not have good health insurance throughout my divorce, so I had not been through therapy to address all the pain, disappointment, and resentment that was hiding underneath my “I’m fine” persona. Not to mention, it had only been six months since my divorce was final. I do not think time is always the best indicator of readiness, but in my case, six months was too soon.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have worked diligently on self-esteem with a focus on self-love, even if that meant using therapy, coaching, or hypnosis. It would have been worth the effort to gain greater confidence and emotional strength. I have since done that hard work, and I feel like an entirely different person.
Self-love is hard for many sensitive “good girls.” We tend to pour our love outward in a selfless manner. Even the phrase self-love used to make me cringe because it sounded like selfishness to me. Nothing is further from the truth. We all have to love ourselves to offer healthy, unconditional love to other people. If you just focus on outward love, you ultimately end up depleted and resentful. Take the time to do some self-love work. We will explore this more in Phase 3.
Do I have a desperate need to find someone quickly?
You can’t rush love or connection. If you focus on needing someone now, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Men will show up who will quickly proclaim that you are the only one for them and that they immediately want to get off online dating to commit to you. While that is flattering, it should also raise some red flags.
Speed is not what you are after in creating a loving partnership. Slow and steady is a much healthier approach. Those that speed up the connection tend to be narcissists. It is a primary tactic for that type to sweep you off your feet. Once they believe they have you, they treat you with disrespect.
Many of the men I dated seriously moved quickly, sweeping me up in a rush of attention that made it hard for me to find my center. If I had slowed things down, it would have been easier to get my footing and assess if those relationships were actually what I was looking for.
Do I feel good about my life?
People who love their lives have a positive energy that draws good things to them. Being happy and positive is an addictive energy that most people crave. If you are not feeling good about any aspects of your life, you will not give off the positive energy that will draw in a positive person.
Make a list of the things you like about your life and yourself. Add to that “love list” regularly. Even though I was in a bad place emotionally, I appreciated my life and the freedom I had earned by being brave enough to leave my marriage. I loved my little townhouse and the community where I was living. I loved that I had greater autonomy, peace, and the opportunity to rebuild my life. I was more positive than negative. I think that made a big difference in my online dating experiences.
What values do I want in a partner?
We do not think that much about values in our society. We tend to focus more on surface issues like money, appearance, career, even hobbies or shared activities. However, a solid partnership requires a shared sense of values.
I had not initially spelled out the values that were most important to me. I’m not sure I even recognized what mattered most to me until I experienced behaviors and attitudes that didn’t resonate. It is now easy for me to clarify my ideal values as honesty, integrity, open communication, kindness, deep love of family and friends, intellectual curiosity, an open mind, and an excellent sense of humor.
Take some time to think through the values you look for in your relationships. This effort will assist your dating success, while also positively shaping the way you approach your life.
Where did I go wrong in past relationships?
Self-awareness is incredibly valuable. You can’t learn from your mistakes if you don’t acknowledge them. If you are feeling as though all your past relationship issues were due to your partner, then you need to check yourself right now. You are the only common denominator in all your relationships.
I know that stings. As a “good girl,” I never really wanted to rock the boat. I would assert myself with my husband, then immediately feel bad and backtrack to smooth things over. Over time, I allowed him and his family to walk all over me.
I have to accept that, as a people-pleaser, I enabled people to treat me poorly. I was more concerned about how they felt than how I was feeling. That is a recipe for resentment and sadness. I was setting myself up for unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships by not speaking up for my needs.
Try to uncover the blind spots of your relationships. If you are having trouble pinpointing where you need to make changes, consider asking a trusted friend for advice, or even better, look to a trained therapist or coach who can give you an objective perspective.
If you are sensitive and empathic, you may not be putting up firm enough boundaries and pushing back when people take too much from you. This is incredibly common. Do not beat yourself up over it, just accept it, and start thinking about ways in which you can curb the tendency to squash your own needs and over-give in relationships.
What will I do if someone disrespects me?
Since boundaries rarely come naturally for sensitive women, you need to strategize and plan how you will set them when the time comes. First, consider what you feel is disrespectful. Men who catcalled me in our first interaction repulsed me. They would say things like, “Hey sexy” or “You need to come out for a drink with me.” Those comments may seem innocent, but I found them to be objectifying. I took time in creating my profile to be a strong reflection of who I am and what I was looking for. That kind of empty attention made me feel cheap, as if my appearance was all that was important to them.
I tried to respond to most men who contacted me in any meaningful way (i.e., commenting directly on something written in my profile). However, when men just came at me with physical compliments, I rarely responded. There were some instances where I did reply. Those men always turned out to be disrespectful of me, disregarding any future boundaries I set.
The lesson here is that you must be firm and clear right away. Do not waver or feel bad for anyone. As soon as you do, you are showing them you are a pushover. Good men do not catcall women online. They understand empty compliments do not work for most women. The men who do it are fishing for women who need praise.
I do not mean to be harsh here. It is just the truth. It takes a man absolutely no time to flip through photos making comments, hoping to see if it will get attention. Men who are genuinely interested in a connection will take the time to read your profile and contact you with thoughtful comments.
Can I reject someone lovingly without feeling bad?
Rejection is inevitable in online dating. Men will reject you and you will have to reject them too. You need to make peace with that quickly to preserve your energy, time, and heart. Initially, I decided I would respond to everyone who took the time to reach out to me. I thought it was bad karma to avoid messages or dismiss someone who tried to connect.
Over time, I realized that for many men, the messages and interactions are highly impersonal. Some men send form-letter-style communications or just say things like, “Hey, what’s up?” They put so little effort into the interaction that it was silly for me to give them one ounce of my energy.
It is certainly fine to communicate in brief messages when first connecting with someone. However, the messages should have some substance. In most cases, empty one-liners will not be worth your time. There is nothing wrong with ignoring them. You will need to get clear with yourself that doing so is not cruel or rude. It is self-preservation.
From what I came to understand from many of the men I connected with, most women do not respond at all. A good number of men become disheartened with the dynamics of online dating and lose interest in trying to establish a genuine connection. Realizing this made me sad. However, it was not my job to make those men feel better. My job was to protect my energy and interests — always. The same is true for you.
Most men in online dating are not sensitive in the ways we are. They expect a lack of response. You should never feel bad about ignoring someone who does not feel like a good fit. Get clear on your gut instincts. It might help you to establish a meditative practice or use divining tools to help guide you in selecting which men are worthy of your efforts. We’ll go into this more fully in Chapter 9.
As a warning, the risk of engaging with a man you are feeling questionable about is that once you give an inch, he will try to take a mile. That happened to me several times. In one particularly difficult interaction, shortly after I joined Match.com, a man started looking at my profile daily and messaged me several times saying I was attractive. He was older than my desired age range, which I had defined as eight years older than I was, and he lived outside of my ideal geographical range.
While age didn’t matter to me, location did. I struggle with fatigue. Juggling a long-distance relationship alongside work would not fit my lifestyle. The man changed his age on his profile and continued to message me. I didn’t realize I could block him. Instead, I sent what I thought was a kind message saying that I didn’t think we were a good match and that I wished him well. He shot back a message saying I looked like I was in my 50s anyway. I was 42 at the time. His cruel words stung. Even though I knew the man was just being childish and petty, I had a hard time letting it go. I asked every man that I dated after that point if I looked my age. They all laughed and said I looked much younger than my pictures and that I could not take what people said online personally.
The trouble is, as a sensitive woman I do take words personally. At least I did much more at that time. I share this as a warning that worrying about hurting a man’s feelings could ultimately backfire, leaving you with the hurt feelings. Keep reminding yourself that most men don’t have a heart like yours. They don’t feel things the way you do. There are, of course, empathic men, but they are quite rare. Additionally, a truly sensitive man will understand that you have every right to honor your own needs.
******
Please commit to yourself right now that you will not accept less than you deserve, and that you will trust yourself over anyone else. You are always in control. If at any point someone makes you feel uncomfortable, unworthy, or otherwise unhappy, you are always free to tell that person you are not a good match and cut all communications.
If you are unhappy with what you have uncovered through the previous questions, don’t give up on your dating potential. We will uncover ways to build your confidence, self-awareness, and boundary-setting abilities so that you will be closer to putting yourself out there comfortably.
Chapter 2: Plan for the Pros
It is always good to assess the pros and cons when facing a new challenge. I knew so little about online dating when I started that I was overly optimistic. I believed I could scroll through profiles and easily find the person who shared my common interests. The only initial con for me was that I had to put myself out there in a manner that felt very vulnerable — my pictures and personal information would be online for the world to see! Now that I have experience, my pros and cons list is much longer. It contains many surprising bonuses I would never have imagined. I share this with you so that you have a greater sense of what is in store for you.
Let’s start with the pros. Despite how challenging it can be to navigate, there are many positive aspects of dating online. Following are the highlights that I found to be true.
Greater Opportunities
There are more men online than you could ever meet in your personal life. This goes without saying, but it is certainly a major pro of the online world. I tend to work in nonprofit organizations with very few men. Likewise, my regular activities revolve around self-help practices like yoga, meditation, and Qigong, all of which have very few men. It wasn’t hard to see that my chances of meeting a man were slim. The probability of finding your perfect match requires exposure to a wide variety of people. Online dating has that covered.
More Specific Choices
You can sort your potential matches by very specific factors like location, education, age, personal interests, even astrology. I knew I wanted a connection who lived within a 30-minute drive so that we could see each other easily. Also, even though I have a master’s degree, I grew up in a blue-collar family, so I found myself more drawn to men who had life experience and not necessarily formal education. It was exciting to meet men already knowing pieces of their story.
A Chance for Clarity and Growth
Creating a dating profile and actively seeking a relationship forces you to learn about who you are and what makes you unique. This type of deep reflection is valuable work that we rarely take the time to do in our lives. Getting clear on your hobbies and what you enjoy enriches your life far beyond just meeting men. As I uncovered all of my unique traits, continually honing my profile so that it was the truest reflection of me, I grew to genuinely like the woman on my computer screen.
Being married to someone who devalued me regularly had taken a toll on my self-esteem, which I had not recognized. Uncovering who I was opened my eyes to how interesting and fun I am. It did not happen right away, and it was not easy, but I am grateful to have had such a major growth opportunity.
You Are Always in Control
Some experts suggest that sensitive women not venture into online dating because of all the potential predators lurking. While I agree that you will probably encounter those negative, manipulative types, I don’t think you should allow them to ruin your chances of connecting with someone great.
Even though I met many manipulative, unhealthy men, I also met quite a few fun and interesting men, including the wonderful man who is now my partner. I am grateful that I never let the jerks drag me down.
The important thing to embrace is that you are always in control. That thought alone is very empowering. It is tempting for sensitive, empathic women to protect themselves by hiding away from the world. If you are in healing mode, that is appropriate. However, if you are ready to get out there and meet someone new, don’t limit your potential.
Everything is New!
Meeting new people is fun. It exposes you to new hobbies, new music, and new perspectives. Going on dates also enables you to try new restaurants, bars, and coffee shops, or explore parks and hiking trails you didn’t even know existed. My life immediately became richer with new experiences once I set up my online profile and started connecting with men who I would not normally have met.
My partner rides a motorcycle. While he didn’t pressure me to ride with him, he eased me into the idea, assuring me we could turn around at any point. Turns out, I love riding on the back of his bike! It is exhilarating and breathtakingly beautiful to take in all the panoramic sites of the back roads near my home. I never imagined that I would enjoy the thrill of riding on a motorcycle, and I am grateful for having the opportunity.
Greater Confidence
