Personal Boundaries For Dummies E-Book

Victoria Priya

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

Learn how to create healthy personal and relationship boundaries

Boundaries are limits we establish for ourselves and implement through action or communication. Personal Boundaries For Dummies gives you all the basics on what boundaries look like (spoiler: they aren't "one-size-fits-all”), along with step-by-step instructions for figuring out what your boundaries are and communicating them with others. When you start to level-up your boundaries, you might experience pushback from the people in your life, but don’t worry—this book also helps you navigate these challenges. Create clarity, mutual respect, and harmony in all your relationships—especially your relationship with yourself—with this clear and helpful Dummies guide.

• Explore the different types of boundaries and how they work in relationships
• Identify your own limits and non-negotiables so you can set boundaries with others
• Get advice on what to do when people don’t respect your boundaries
• Learn when to seek professional help

Setting boundaries is a form of self-care, and each of us must create boundaries for our own safety, health, and well-being. Get started with Personal Boundaries For Dummies!

Leseprobe

Personal Boundaries For Dummies®

To view this book's Cheat Sheet, simply go to www.dummies.com and search for “Personal Boundaries For Dummies Cheat Sheet” in the Search box.

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Introduction

About This Book

Foolish Assumptions

Icons Used in This Book

Beyond the Book

Where to Go from Here

Part 1: Defining Personal Boundaries

Chapter 1: Creating Order, Safety, and Protection with Boundaries

Knowing What Boundaries Are

Describing Boundaries

Seeing that Boundaries Are Everywhere

Understanding the Benefits of Boundaries

Seeing Boundaries at the Extremes

Acknowledging Cultural Differences

Chapter 2: Knowing What Boundaries Aren’t

Seeing That Demands Are Not Boundaries

Understanding Ultimatums

Erasing Expectations

Eliminating Shoulds

Realizing That Agreements Aren’t One-Sided

Chapter 3: Exploring Privacy, Secrecy, and Intimacy

Defining Private and Secret

Defining Intimacy

Connecting What You Know with Who You Know

Figuring Out if Information Is Secret or Private

Getting Clear on Who Gets to Know What about You

Knowing How Much to Share

Part 2: Understanding the Need for Boundaries

Chapter 4: Appreciating the Ways That Boundaries Improve Your Life

Calming the Nervous System with Order

Protecting Yourself to Create Safety

Using Your Boundaries to Help Others Feel Safe

Chapter 5: Setting Boundaries: It’s a Learned Skill

Realizing That You Didn’t Learn Boundaries Growing Up

Simplifying the Boundary-Setting Process

Creating Boundaries Gets Easier with Time

Chapter 6: Managing Resistance and Pushback: Good Boundaries Won’t Make You Popular

Defining Pushback and Resistance

Anticipating and Navigating the Inevitable Resistance

Collecting Go-To Responses for Your Tool Kit

Chapter 7: Knowing When You Need to Create a Boundary

Recognizing Whom You’re Setting a Boundary With

Paying Attention to Your Emotions

Uncovering and Facing Resentment

Recognizing Boundary Pushers and Offenders

Understanding Boundary Violations and Ruptures

Recognizing Trauma Created from Boundary Violations or Ruptures

Part 3: Exploring the Types of Boundaries and How They Work

Chapter 8: Physical Boundaries: Who Can Get Close to You and Your Physical Possessions

Defining Physical Boundaries

Naming Physical Boundary Violations

Knowing that Physical Boundaries Are Nonnegotiable

Exploring Energetic Boundaries

Chapter 9: Sexual Boundaries: Yes and No Are Complete Sentences

Defining Sexual Boundaries

Naming Sexual Boundary Violations

Understanding Consent

Rejecting the Idea of Rejection

Chapter 10: Boundaries for Speaking: Filtering Your Thoughts before Sharing Them

Articulating Data, Thoughts, and Emotions

Speaking to Be Heard

Leading with Agreement

Naming Speaking Boundary Violations

Chapter 11: Boundaries for Listening: The Mother of All Boundaries

Understanding the Deeper Meaning of Having Two Ears

Using Basic Listening Tools

Scanning What You Heard for Agreement

Distinguishing Your Reality from Their Reality

Avoiding Upset and Misunderstanding with Good Listening

Naming Listening Boundary Violations

Chapter 12: Nonnegotiable Boundaries

Identifying the Four Nonnegotiable Boundaries

Selecting Your Nonnegotiable Relationship Boundaries

Part 4: Creating Personal Boundaries

Chapter 13: Step 1: Know What Isn’t Working

Using the Six Steps for Creating Boundaries

Getting Started with Step 1

Seeing That Anger Can Signal You Need a Boundary

Identifying Points of Stress or Emotional Pain

Focusing on a Specific Incident or Situation

Processing One Incident or Situation at a Time

Chapter 14: Step 2: Get Clear about Your Reality

Identifying the Data

Pinpointing Your Thoughts about the Data

Recognizing Your Emotions

Compiling Your Answers to Step 2

Chapter 15: Step 3: Clarify Your Needs and the Outcome You Want

Discovering Unmet Needs

Realizing the Connection between Needs and Boundaries

Identifying What Needs Aren’t Being Met

Getting Clear about the Outcome You Want

Chapter 16: Step 4: See Where You Have Power Before Taking Action

Understanding the Circle of Control

Exploring Two Kinds of Power

Knowing the Pitfalls of Not Understanding Power

Getting Clear about Where Your Power Lies

Choosing the Best Option for Your Situation

Chapter 17: Step 5: Take Action to Create a Boundary

Aligning Your Action with Your Points of Power

Being Honest about Your Commitment to Your Plan

Knowing When You Have an Agreement

Refraining From Taking Retaliatory or Vengeful Action

Chapter 18: Step 6: Evaluate Your Results and See What Went Wrong

Identifying What Didn’t Work

Evaluating the Quality and Clarity of an Agreement

Deciding How to Proceed

Part 5: Figuring Out What to Do When Boundaries Don’t Work

Chapter 19: Renegotiating a Broken Agreement

Deciding Whether to Renegotiate a Broken Agreement

Dealing With People Who Repeatedly Break Agreements

Exploring Your Options

Chapter 20: Taking a Boundary to the Next Level: Advanced Skills for Difficult Situations

Dealing With Repeated Boundary Violations

Knowing When You Need Law Enforcement or Legal Help

Getting Professional Help When You Struggle to Protect Yourself

Part 6: The Part of Tens

Chapter 21: Ten Out-of-the-Box Options for Extra Protection

Taking the Secret Service to the Party

Putting Yourself Under Glass

Dressing Up in Riot Gear

Imagining Yourself in a Zen Bubble

Erecting a Titanium Partition

Sending “Back Off!” Vibes

Using Jewelry, Crystals, or Rocks

Taking Along Darth Vader

Arriving Early and Owning the Room

Going to the Loo (Bathroom)

Chapter 22: Ten Myths about Boundaries

Boundaries Are Selfish

Creating a Boundary Means Telling Others What to Do

Boundaries Are New Age Garbage

There’s No Place for Boundaries in Intimate Relationships

Women Don’t Have a Right to Say No to Sex

If You’ve Made Mistakes in the Past, You Can’t Set Limits

Boundaries Are Something You Do to Another Person

Boundaries Are Punishment

People Who Have Boundaries Are Uptight

Family Members Get a Pass on Boundaries

Chapter 23: Ten Signs That You Need Professional Help

You’re in an Abusive Relationship

You’re Over-Involved in Others’ Lives

Someone Is Taking Advantage of You, and You Can’t Set a Boundary

Your Partner Restricts Your Activities or Connections

You Engage in Unsafe Activities to Please Your Partner

You’ve Been Accused of Sexual Misconduct

You Intentionally Put Yourself in Dangerous Situations

You’re Being Stalked or Harassed

You Repeatedly Violate Other People’s Boundaries

You’re Engaged in Illegal Behavior That Violates Boundaries

Index

About the Author

Connect with Dummies

End User License Agreement

List of Tables

Chapter 15

TABLE 15-1 Naming Unmet Needs

TABLE 15-2 Identifying Potential Outcomes for Solving the Identified Problem

List of Illustrations

Chapter 1

FIGURE 1-1: Boundaries at the extremes.

Chapter 3

FIGURE 3-1: Zones of Privacy describe the five levels of personal, private info...

FIGURE 3-2: Zones of Intimacy describe the five levels of your personal interac...

Chapter 15

FIGURE 15-1: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Guide

Cover

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Begin Reading

Index

About the Author

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Personal Boundaries For Dummies®

Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774, www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2024 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey

Published simultaneously in Canada

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the Publisher. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, [phone], fax [phone], or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permissions.

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2024934824

ISBN 978-1-394-23618-3 (pbk); ISBN 978-1-394-23619-0 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-394-23620-6 (ebk)

Introduction

Your personal boundaries — your ability to set limits with yourself and others — determine not only the quality of your emotional and mental health, but also the quality of all your relationships.

At their most basic and fundamental level, boundaries are a source of safety and freedom. You make countless decisions every day that keep you physically safe and protect you. You exercise your freedom every time you make binary yes or no choices, which are expressions of your boundaries.

You may be feeling clueless about boundaries. Or maybe you’ve recently realized that your current skill level isn’t up to the task of helping you resolve a challenging new situation or navigate a difficult relationship.

This book gives you a solid foundation of knowledge about how personal boundaries work and reveals the blind spots that can trip you up as you’re discovering or leveling up your boundaries. You may see — maybe for the first time — how parts of your personal history negatively impact your ability to set boundaries, and what to do about it. One of the most widespread misconceptions about boundaries is that you need different categories of boundaries for the various relationships, roles, or situations you encounter in your everyday life.

The truth is, creating boundaries in adult relationships works the same way every time — whether the boundary is with your spouse, your boss, a family member, or a friend. Once you understand the principles and the steps, boundary setting becomes simpler, easier, and sometimes even fun! No kidding.

I’m admittedly biased, but I wholeheartedly believe that boundaries are the most underrated life skill any person can possess. Clients, readers of my first book, and podcast listeners have told me countless times over the past two decades that having better boundaries changed not only their lives, but also their children’s lives.

Let that sink in. Your boundaries not only improve your life, but also impact all your relationships — creating a legacy that benefits future generations. Yes, boundaries really are that powerful.

About This Book

Whether you consider yourself a boundaries novice or a boundaries ninja, this book gives you new ways of thinking about and setting boundaries.

Here’s just a sampling of the information this book provides:

What personal boundaries are and how they help you establish order, safety, and protection

How to avoid unnecessary mistakes by knowing the common misperceptions people have about setting boundaries

How to navigate the inevitable pushback and resistance to your boundaries

How to recognize the signs that you may need to set a boundary

How to work the six steps for identifying, creating, and maintaining effective personal boundaries

How to figure out why a boundary didn’t work or was unsuccessful, and what to do next

What you find here that you won’t find in any other book on boundaries is an easy-to-follow, step-by-step process that shows you how to set a boundary in any context or relationship, including with yourself.

If you’re new to personal boundaries, this book outlines the fundamentals, and explains why you may not have learned about personal boundaries when you were growing up. If you already have a good working understanding of boundaries, this book takes your current knowledge and skill set to the next level.

Disclaimer: Stories and examples presented in this book are fictional or composite nonidentifiable factual events that have been edited to protect confidentiality. This book is not intended as a substitute for professional mental health treatment or medical advice.

Foolish Assumptions

Having worked for decades with people who struggle with boundaries, I’m going to assume that you fall into one of three categories:

You’ve recently become aware that personal boundaries are a “thing” after years or even decades of having little or no information about how boundaries work, and you’re ready to find out more. Congratulations, and welcome!

You have a pretty good understanding about how personal boundaries work, but you’ve discovered that your current knowledge and skills aren’t adequate for a challenging new situation or a difficult, troubled relationship you’re trying to navigate.

You’re a life coach, psychotherapist, or other mental health treatment provider who has struggled to find a high-quality resource you feel comfortable giving to clients or patients who need good information about personal boundaries.

No matter which category you’re in, this book meets you where you are. And I believe you have a hunch, or maybe even an unshakable conviction, that leveling up your boundaries can improve some aspect of your life — personally or professionally. It most certainly can, and I’m honored to have the privilege of sharing some life-changing information with you.

Icons Used in This Book

Throughout this book, icons in the margins on the left side of the page highlight certain types of valuable information I want to bring to your attention. Here’s a brief description of each icon:

The Tip icon marks tips, shortcuts, and additional information that supplements or provides a deeper understanding about that section’s subject matter.

Remember icons mark information I want to make sure you have to help you better understand a concept that relates to a topic explained or presented in another part of the book.

The Technical Stuff icon includes information to clarify and expand your understanding of specific concepts or terms.

The Warning icon tells you to watch out! It marks important information that can help you avoid unnecessary mistakes, relationship conflict, wasted time, or other missteps as you’re improving your boundary-setting skills.

The Think About It icon alerts you to information that has a bit of a philosophical basis and may need some mulling over in your spare time.

Beyond the Book

In addition to the abundance of information and guidance I give you in this book to help you identify, create, and maintain effective personal boundaries, you can access even more help and information online at Dummies.com. To check out this book’s online Cheat Sheet, just go to www.dummies.com and search for “Personal Boundaries For Dummies Cheat Sheet.”

Where to Go from Here

Like all For Dummies books, this book is designed in a way that doesn’t require you to read it chapter by chapter, or cover to cover. That means some information may be repeated in more than one chapter to provide context (or emphasis) since the book may be read out of order. You can start by reading any chapter you’re curious about, or zeroing in on a chapter that addresses a problem or issue you’re struggling with right now. If you’re the type of person who enjoys the order created by reading a book from beginning to end, go for it! Ultimately, it doesn’t matter where you start. It only matters that you do. Setting boundaries is a learned skill, and you can do it.

For even more boundaries goodness, go to www.victoriapriya.com/boundariesclarifier to get the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier eWorkbook.

Part 1

Defining Personal Boundaries

IN THIS PART …

Discover what personal boundaries are and how they help you establish order, safety, and protection.

Avoid unnecessary mistakes by knowing the common misperceptions about setting boundaries.

Decide who gets to know what about you by understanding the relationship between privacy, secrecy, and intimacy.

Chapter 1

Creating Order, Safety, and Protection with Boundaries

IN THIS CHAPTER

Defining boundaries

Recognizing that boundaries are inescapable

Appreciating the benefits of boundaries

Understanding the extremes of boundaries

Realizing boundaries vary from culture to culture

Chances are very good that you picked up this book because you’re feeling curious, confused, mystified, or completely clueless about personal boundaries. If you relate to any of these emotions, you’re far from alone. I can’t count the number of times adults in their 30s, 40s, or 50s have told me, “I didn’t even know what boundaries were.”

Not knowing where to start or what to do when you think you need to set a boundary is frustrating. Sometimes it’s even frightening. Boundaries, at their most basic level, are about protection. And when you don’t feel confident about your ability to protect yourself emotionally, physically, or sexually, you’re more likely to feel anxious, suspicious of others, or unnecessarily defensive as you try to create a sense of safety.

You may have tried in the past to set a boundary that didn’t work. Or maybe you set an excellent boundary, but the backlash you got from other people made you think you were wrong or made a mistake. These are exactly the kinds of experiences you can expect when you start implementing or leveling up your boundaries skills.

The good news is you can find simple principles, tools, and skills in this book that will take you from feeling like a boundaries bumbler to a boundaries ninja. I give you six steps for creating boundaries of all kinds (see Chapter 13) and show you what to do when a boundary isn’t successful (see Chapter 18). Having these tools and knowing how to respond to people who are less than thrilled about your new boundaries skills will provide the kind of clarity and confidence that makes boundary setting easy — and maybe even fun!

In this chapter, I define what personal boundaries look like and expand your vocabulary by giving you additional words for describing boundaries. You begin to see that boundaries are simply a fact of life that’s present throughout your day — creating safety, order, and calm. The boundaries running in the background of your everyday experience, along with the boundaries you create for your self-protection and self-care, support and improve your life in ways you may never have imagined.

Despite having a reputation for being harsh, rigid, and selfish, boundaries actually create space and freedom. I show you a simple way to think about your boundaries on a continuum from too little to too much, so you can visualize boundaries when they’re operating at the extremes and when they’re in balance.

Your family’s cultural or ethnic background and the area of the world in which you spent the formative years of your life play an important role in what you know and believe about boundaries. And while different cultures have different ideas and beliefs about boundaries, ultimately you get to decide which boundaries are right for you and how you put your own personal boundaries into practice.

You’re the ultimate decider of every boundary you create.

Knowing What Boundaries Are

Before you can set personal boundaries, you must know what boundaries are — how to describe them, what their functions are, and how they show up in your life.

Some people think boundaries are unnecessary, unkind, or manipulative. Some people believe that setting a boundary means telling another person what to do. Healthy, effective boundaries are none of these.

Personal boundaries serve two primary functions:

Your boundaries protect you and other people.

Your boundaries define who you are.

Protecting yourself and others

When you think about protecting yourself or another person, here are a few examples that may come to mind:

You understandably want to avoid being hurt or injured, or you want to make sure other people aren’t hurt or injured.

You’ve experienced an emotional, physical, or sexual trauma, and you need to temporarily guard or shield yourself so that you can take care of yourself and heal.

You care about or love someone (including yourself), and you don’t want them to suffer.

Protecting yourself includes a wide range of mundane, everyday actions. Occasionally, you encounter unexpected (and usually unwanted) events that require you to defend or protect yourself. Everything from putting on your shoes before you go outside, to locking your front door at night, to defending yourself against an armed attacker belongs under the banner of protection.

The four primary categories of boundaries for how you protect yourself and others are:

Physical

Sexual

Speaking

Listening

Physical, sexual, and speaking boundaries include both self-protection and protecting others, while the listening boundary is primarily one of self-protection. For a detailed discussion of each of these boundaries, see Chapters 8 to 11.

Here’s a brief overview of what it looks like when you’re protecting yourself in the four categories of boundaries. Think of these examples as self-protection north stars or aspirations for your healthy, effective boundaries:

When you protect yourself with physical boundaries:

You’re aware of how close you want to be to others physically. Your preferences are based on your chosen standards rather than on others’ standards or any other external factor that doesn’t align with your preferences or values.

You’re able to maintain the physical closeness or distance you want. This means you’re able to stop someone when they get too close to you.

You’re aware of how much access to your personal belongings you want to give to others.

You’re able to maintain the access to your personal belongings that feels comfortable for you. You stop others when they take or use your personal belongings without your permission.

When you protect yourself with sexual boundaries:

You’re aware of how close you want to be to others sexually. Your preferences around closeness are based on your chosen standards rather than on others’ standards or any other external factor that doesn’t align with your preferences or values.

You’re able to maintain the sexual closeness or distance you want. This means you’re able to stop someone when they get too close to you sexually or when they touch you sexually in a way you don’t want to be touched.

When you protect yourself with speaking boundaries:

You understand that in personal (rather than casual or professional) conversations, the primary role of speaking or talking is to be known by the other person.

You know how to determine who gets to know what about you. You match your private information with the level of connection or intimacy you have with the other person. (See

Chapter 3

for more information about matching your private information with the people you want to share it with.)

You understand that speaking clearly, respectfully, and coherently not only protects others but also protects you from unnecessary conflict, disconnection, or future regret.

When you protect yourself with listening boundaries:

You understand that the primary role of listening is to discover or understand who the other person is.

You actively assess what you’re hearing to avoid taking on blame or shame, or agreeing with another person’s perceptions that don’t match what you believe to be accurate or true.

You understand that what other people say is a description of their reality — their thoughts, beliefs, opinions, judgments, and so on. What they say isn’t a description of you unless you agree that it is. For example, if someone tells you that you’re rude, that’s their opinion about you. It’s not a fact or the truth. You get to decide whether you share their perception that you’re rude.

If you want to maximize the chances of being heard by another person, avoid common patterns of communicating that imply blame. For example, don’t make statements that describe another person, such as “You’re being (mean, rude, ridiculous, and so on),” or ask why questions, like “Why are you talking to me like that?”

The following describes what it looks like when you’re protecting others in the four categories of boundaries. Just like the examples of self-protective boundaries above, these are descriptions of excellent boundaries that develop as your boundaries skills improve:

When you protect others with your physical boundaries:

You respect their nonnegotiable right to decide how close they want to be to you or if they want to be touched.

You respect the physical closeness or distance another person wants from you. You stop yourself when someone tells you that you’re getting too close to them.

You respect their right to choose how much access they give you to their personal belongings, and you abide by the limits they set.

When you protect others with your sexual boundaries:

You respect their nonnegotiable right to decide how close they want to be to you sexually or if they want to be touched.

You accept

no

as a complete sentence and a final answer. After receiving a

no,

you don’t attempt to negotiate, persuade, manipulate, or pressure the other person to engage sexually with you.

You respect the sexual closeness or distance the other person wants. You stop yourself when the other person tells you that you’re too close to them sexually or when they tell you they don’t want a certain type of sexual touch or contact.

Physical and sexual boundaries are nonnegotiable. That means when someone says no to physical or sexual touch, their no isn’t open to interpretation, persuasion, manipulation, or negotiation.

When you protect others with your speaking boundaries:

You understand that in personal (rather than casual or professional) conversations, the primary role of speaking or talking is to be known by the other person.

You think about what you’re getting ready to say before you speak so that your words are as clear, respectful, and coherent (understandable) as possible.

You have a filter between your thoughts and the words you speak because you know that not everything you think or feel needs to (or should) be spoken. You think about how to say what you need to say in a way that can be received or taken in by the other person. You understand that to be truly heard, you must speak in a way that makes your words easier to receive or hear.

You speak clearly, respectfully, and coherently and avoid using words or a tone of voice that’s disrespectful, blaming, shaming, or abusive.

When you protect others with your listening boundaries:

You listen to discover or understand who the other person is rather than to judge, blame, or shame.

You strive to maintain an attitude of curiosity while listening.

You actively monitor your thoughts, body sensations (such as heart racing or sweating), and emotions as you listen to avoid reacting or becoming defensive.

If this sounds a bit complicated, that’s because it is! But before you become overwhelmed thinking that boundary work is too confusing or difficult for you, here’s what you need to know: Your journey to healthier, more effective personal boundaries is a series of baby steps, one after the other. Where you are right now is the perfect place for you to be.

Begin your boundaries journey by using the information, skills, and tools in this book. Then go out into the world and experiment by putting into action what you’ve discovered. When you want to go deeper or need to figure out how to fix a boundary that didn’t work, read the chapters in Part 5 or revisit any concepts that are unclear or challenging.

You can do it!

Seeing how your boundaries define who you are

When I tell people that the second function of boundaries is to define who you are, I often see a puzzled expression on their faces. Here’s a simple way to think about it: If you build a fence around the perimeter of property that rightfully and legally belongs to you, you’re defining what’s yours and what’s not.

Every choice you make is a boundary. When you say yes, you’re actually saying no (placing a limit or boundary) to something else or to many other things. For example, when you say yes to marrying someone, you just said no to the billions of other people you could have married!

Here are just a few ways that your boundaries define who you are:

You choose what to wear or not wear. The terms

fashion statement

and

statement piece

perfectly illustrate the concept that people define (or make statements about) themselves through the way they dress.

You determine what or how much to share about yourself with others.

You choose the topics or areas of interest you want to explore, research, study, or talk about.

You establish your level of physical health through your choices about nutrition, the quantity of food you eat, how much you move your body (exercise), how much sleep you get, and whether you maintain your health by having annual exams or health screenings, for example.

You identify your level of mental health in large part by what you choose to pay attention to and your willingness to explore new ideas and think critically. You define the quality of your mental health by choosing to experiment with new behaviors or by taking actions that improve your mental health, such as addressing compulsive/addictive behaviors or seeking mental health treatment.

You determine your level of financial health by your choices about how you manage your money, your approach to work, and your willingness to change unsuccessful money habits or to ask for what you need or want.

You understand that the overall health of your relationships is determined by your choices, including what you will or won’t accept in a relationship. You decide how you want to stay connected to and respectful of other people even when they’re not behaving the way you’d like them to.

Describing Boundaries

Believe it or not, there are many ways to describe boundaries. Merriam-Webster defines boundary as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” For example, fixing a limit or extent may be exactly what you’d like to do the next time your friend asks if you want to hang out at the mall. And if you’re wondering, “Can I really choose to say no to a friend?” the answer is an unequivocal yes. (Keep reading to discover how!)

Finding words for boundaries

When you think of a boundary, you may think of a property line or another type of border. Having a variety of words and terms to describe boundaries gives you more options for talking about them and more freedom to express them.

Here are some of the most common words to describe boundaries:

Containing: Containing is a fancy term (most likely invented by a psychotherapist) that describes how you protect other people from you. For example, when you protect people from your boundaryless, offensive, or even boundary-violating behavior or language, that’s containing. Containing means you’re placing limits or boundaries on yourself in the interest of being respectful, relational, and protective of others.

Throughout this book I use the word relational to describe a set of healthy relationship skills that includes being respectful and transparent (open), using healthy personal boundaries, and demonstrating through your behavior that no person is better than or less than another person.

Fence:

Fence is a common word for boundary. A fence defines what’s your space or property and what’s another person’s space or property.

Limits:

Limits can apply to almost anything, including what you’re willing to do or not do, how much you eat, or how close you allow others to get to you physically.

Parameters:

Parameters define the scope or bounds of a behavior, project, or agreement.

Proximity:

Proximity has to do with how close someone or something is to you. Proximity relates to physical and sexual boundaries, as well as how close you allow a person to get to you emotionally or intellectually (knowing what you think or your opinions).

Standards:

Standards can be thought of as minimum requirements for what you want or need, or whom you choose to be in a relationship with.

Walls: Walls are sometimes a legitimate and necessary form for boundaries. However, walls should be used sparingly as boundaries. Creating walls as a form of boundaries is typically reserved for extremely difficult people, boundary pushers, boundary violators, or people who engage in illegal activities. However, some types of walls can come in handy in certain situations. For example, you can use a wall of pleasant (see the following Tip) to manage a difficult person you can’t (yet) avoid having contact with.

Using a wall for a boundary isn’t just for bad actors. If you need to endure a particularly difficult person in your life for a limited period of time, you can use a wall of pleasant. A wall of pleasant is a façade (mask) of pleasant neutrality where communication is limited to what is necessary or useful. It’s an intentional (and I would say respectful) way to interact with a person in order to get through a time-limited situation.

Discovering that boundaries expand and contract

Many people think of boundaries as harsh and rigid. But the truth is, boundaries both expand and contract.

Expansion and contraction can be positive or negative. For example, sharing too much personal information about yourself with another person (expansion) may not be the best choice. On the other hand, limiting another person’s access to you (contraction) because they’ve been disrespectful or abusive is healthy and positive.

Other examples of expansion and contraction of personal boundaries include:

When your children get older, they need fewer boundaries (contraction), and they have more freedom (expansion).

When you get to know someone and want to get closer to them, you share more personal information about yourself. This illustrates a movement from contraction to expansion.

When someone breaks an agreement with you or violates a boundary, you may restrict or eliminate their contact or proximity to you. This example illustrates the need for contraction (restricting or eliminating contact) as a form of self-protection and self-care.

When you’re tense or anxious, your boundaries tend to become rigid or less fluid (contract). When you’re relaxed, your boundaries tend to soften or become more fluid (expand).

Recognizing the fluid nature of personal boundaries expands your options and supports the notion that boundaries aren’t as harsh or rigid as many people believe.

Seeing that Boundaries Are Everywhere

Right now, you’re reading this book in a particular place at a certain time of day, and you may be sitting, lying down, standing, or walking on a treadmill.

You decided to pick up this book, you chose a place to read, and you settled into the posture or body position you prefer. Each of these decisions is a boundary because decisions and choices are limits you place on what you will or won’t do.

This simple example of how, when, and where you happen to be reading this book right now illustrates that the more you know about boundaries, the more you see that they’re ubiquitous — meaning they’re everywhere.

Getting dressed for the day

I don’t recommend you make a habit of getting this granular about the details of your morning routine, but when you get up every morning, these are just a few of the boundaries you set that you probably never think about:

You choose to wear clothes (unless you have to wear a work uniform or live in a clothing-optional community).

You decide whether you need to wear clothes that keep you cool or clothes that keep you warm.

You may choose clothes based on your mood at the time you’re getting dressed. (I had no idea this was a thing until a personal shopper introduced me to the term

emotional dresser

many years ago. I instantly recognized myself as someone who dresses according to mood — I just didn’t have the name for it.)

You choose the shoes you want to wear.

Socks or no socks? You decide.

You haven’t even made it out the door, and you’ve already gone through a complex process of ruling in and ruling out (your limits) how you want to clothe and adorn yourself for the day ahead.

Stopping at a red light

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been irritated by more red lights than I can count. Given my genuine appreciation of boundaries, it’s embarrassing to admit that I’ve run a few red lights in my life. And for that I stand guilty as charged: a boundary violator.

Every time you see a red light, you’re seeing a boundary. It’s telling you to stop (which can be considered a twin to saying no), and for safety’s sake I hope you do. If you don’t, you may face consequences.

Traffic lights are one example of the ways in which boundaries are at the root of many laws and regulations designed to protect you and others.

Screening calls

When I was growing up in the 1960s, we had a pale yellow rotary dial phone that hung on the wall in the kitchen. When you wanted to talk to someone, you had to either pull a chair close to the phone or sit on the floor right under it, because the curly cord would stretch only so far. The thought that one day I’d drive around in my car with a phone that tells me who’s calling and shows the caller’s face on a mini display screen would’ve no doubt elicited a “No way!” response from me.

Thanks to the miracle of technology, you can now see who’s calling you every time (unless the caller uses the magic code for blocking their number or has fraudulent intentions). The beauty of having this amazing technology to screen calls is that it gives you an opportunity to make an informed decision to say yes or no (both are boundaries) to answering the call.

If someone calls you and doesn’t leave a message, their call doesn’t imply they want you to call them back, and it doesn’t obligate you to do so (unless you have an agreement that you will). Many people feel compelled to call someone back even when the caller doesn’t leave a message. It’s always your choice.

Closing the door

For as long as I can remember, I’ve absolutely loved the feeling of closing and then locking a door. Closing a door is a beautiful boundary in and of itself, and locking a door takes the boundary to the next level.

Closing a door serves at least two important functions in the world of boundaries:

Closed doors create privacy that protects you and others.

Closed doors serve as barriers that keep other people out so you can feel safe, work, or take a time-out.

Placing your wallet in your pocket

One of the many funny stories I’ve heard about boundaries over the years came from a colleague and fellow boundaries nerd, Sheri Winston, an author and sexuality educator. Sheri told me about a time when she was teaching a class on boundaries and a guy in the class told her that he didn’t believe in boundaries. Without missing a beat, she said, “Okay, give me your wallet.” He (not surprisingly) replied, “Absolutely not! I’m not going to give you my wallet.” Just like that, Sheri converted him to a boundaries believer!

I probably don’t need to tell you that you have a right to keep your wallet in your pocket or handbag. And furthermore, no one has a right to take your wallet unless you give it to them — thanks to boundaries.

You naturally create more boundaries around what you value. People go to great lengths to protect their wallets and credit cards because they want to protect their money. Hidden travel pouches and wallets with credit card chip protectors are just a few examples. If you want to find out what’s important to you, notice where you create the highest level of protection.

Avoiding TMI (or oversharing)

I discuss oversharing and knowing how much to share in Chapter 3, but for now I propose that it’s best to avoid sharing too much information (TMI) with others — especially others you don’t know well.

Here are a few examples of sharing TMI:

Revealing intimate details about your illnesses or injuries, especially to people who aren’t in your close circle of family or friends

Giving an exhaustive (and exhausting) monologue about your meals for the day, starting with what you had for breakfast

Sharing intimate details about arguments or conflicts you’re having with your partner with anyone other than a close friend or therapist

Having loud conversations containing personal information in restaurants or other settings where people nearby can hear you

Sharing personal or private information about a relative, spouse, or child

EVERY CHOICE YOU MAKE IS A BOUNDARY

It’s impossible to calculate how many choices and decisions you make in a given day. Every choice is a yes or a no, which makes choosing and deciding a key element of your overall personal boundary system.

Here’s a short list of everyday choices you make dozens of times in a week:

What you’re going to sayWhat you’re going to doWhere you’re going to goWhom you’re going to go withWhen you’ll leaveHow long you’ll stay

Remember: When you say yes to something, you’re actually saying no to everything else that’s automatically eliminated by your decision. And every time you say no, you’re creating a limit or a boundary.

Understanding the Benefits of Boundaries

Personal boundaries have more benefits than you can imagine. Helping you create order so you can feel calm and getting clear about whether a relationship will work are just two powerful examples. You can’t develop high-quality self-care practices or feel safe or protected without good boundaries. Boundaries also significantly improve your communication skills, which naturally impacts the quality of your relationships.

Creating order

Here are just a few of the ways your boundaries create order:

When you need to focus on work, you choose not to get distracted by checking your email and text threads every two minutes.

You set your alarm clock so you can get your kids to school on time.

Every physical queue you get in is a boundary that creates order so that the first person (or people) in line are the first to get served.

Protecting yourself from others

You can protect yourself from others with your boundaries in the following ways:

You create the physical distance or space you need.

You limit or eliminate another person’s access to you.

You don’t allow someone to touch you when you don’t want to be touched.

You choose not to engage with someone who is verbally or emotionally abusive.

At their core, boundaries are about protection.

Protecting others from you

As they say, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander! If you have a right to protect yourself from others, they also have a right to be protected from you.

Here’s what it looks like when you’re protecting others from you:

You’re respectful of others when you’re speaking and listening.

You refrain from being verbally or emotionally abusive to others.

You don’t touch others without first asking if you can touch them and getting their permission.

You honor boundaries other people set with you.

Gaining clarity in relationships

One of the best-kept secrets about boundaries is that they help you know if a relationship is viable or if it can survive after a serious crisis.

Here are just a few of the ways boundaries give you clarity in relationships:

When you create agreements with someone, you observe whether they can uphold agreements they make.

When you make a request, you observe how they respond.

When you create a limit like “I can’t talk on the phone after 9:30 p.m.,” you observe whether the other person honors your boundary.

These situations give you valuable information about whether a person is relationship ready.

Your boundary work in relationships helps you get a very clear picture of who the other person is. Then you get to decide if they are someone with whom you want to have a close relationship.

Practicing self-care

Boundaries, as self-protection, are a form of self-care. Wanting to protect yourself (or anyone else) demonstrates that you value and care about yourself.

People who practice good self-care and self-protection naturally care for and protect others. When you protect others from your boundaryless behavior, you feel good about yourself and avoid experiencing future regret or guilt. That’s why protecting others takes care of and protects you.

Boundaries can support your self-care when:

You carve out time and space for self-care.

To practice self-care, you must create parameters around your time and the access to you that others get.

Other people try to prioritize you taking care of them over taking care of yourself.

Again, you need to create time and space boundaries so that you can prioritize yourself and practice self-care.

Over the years I’ve noticed that women struggle more with pleasurable self-care than do men. For example, most women would never dream of leaving their family for multiple weekends a year to engage in a fun hobby (the way men go hunting or fishing) or spend the day in front of the TV watching their favorite sports team. One of the reasons most women struggle to practice high-quality self-care is that it requires both prioritizing themselves and setting limits on other people’s access to them. When your boundaries improve, so will your self-care.

Improving communication

When you level up your boundaries, your communication — both speaking and listening — will be clearer and more effective. And when your communication skills improve, so does the quality of your relationships.

The following are four ways that boundaries improve communication:

You’re more curious, which helps you avoid making assumptions. Assumptions cause you to believe things that aren’t necessarily true. Believing you know the truth when you don’t is dangerous not only for your communication but also for your emotions.

You’re less reactive because you know how to thoughtfully reflect on what you hear before you respond.

You know how to replace the ineffective strategies of hoping, wishing, manipulating, or demanding to get what you want by making clear, effective requests.

When you need to make an agreement with someone, your agreements are clearer and more specific, improving the likelihood that they’ll be successful.

BOUNDARIES CREATE SPACE

Because the word boundaries is synonymous with limits, it may be hard to understand how boundaries create space.

One of my favorite stories about the hidden power boundaries have for creating space is in Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less (Crown Currency).

In his book, McKeown tells a story about an urban school with a playground bounded on at least one side by a busy street. When the children went outside for recess, the teachers had to stay extremely vigilant to make sure the kids didn’t get too close to the street. You can imagine that every time a child got even 10 feet from the street, one of the teachers screamed (more than once, I’m sure) at the top of their lungs, “Not so close to the street!”

Eventually the school was able to install a fence, and that’s when everything changed. After the fence was installed, the kids could go right up to the fence and even lean against it, within just a few feet of the street. They were perfectly safe. I can imagine the teachers sitting at a picnic table relaxing, drinking from their water bottles, and enjoying being outside and talking to one another.

What made the difference? The boundary of the fence created the opportunity for the children to experience more space, more freedom, and even more fun. The fence created even more space than the children had before, because their movement was rightfully restricted from the potential danger posed by the passing vehicles.

This is exactly what you experience with boundaries. Some boundaries, even simple ones like closing a door or telling your partner you’d rather not go to the demolition derby, can make you feel a level of space, freedom, and joy that may surprise you.

Remember: Every time you create a limit or boundary, you’re creating space and freedom.

Seeing Boundaries at the Extremes

One of the simplest ways to think about any concept is to imagine it on a continuum — from one extreme to the opposite extreme. On one end of the continuum, you have one extreme, on the other end of the continuum you have the opposite extreme, and in the middle there is a balance between either extreme.

When it comes to personal boundaries, the two extremes are no boundaries on one end of the continuum and walled off on the other.

No boundaries or boundaryless means:

You’re too vulnerable.

You’re unprotected.

Walled off or having too many boundaries means:

You’re not vulnerable (invulnerable).

You’re too protected.

This doesn’t mean that you’re always either one or the other — no boundaries or walled off. At any given point in time, you’re on the continuum.

Not only are your boundaries on a continuum between no boundaries and walled off, but you’re also on the same continuum for each of the four boundaries: physical, sexual, speaking, and listening. In other words, you can be either boundaryless or walled off in each of these four categories of boundaries.

Important facts to know about your boundaries on the continuum include:

Each of your four personal boundaries — physical, sexual, speaking, and listening — is located on a continuum between no boundaries and walled off. Where you are on the continuum of that particular boundary is personal and unique to you and corresponds to how that boundary typically operates in your life. Think of where you land on the continuum as a kind of boundaries “comfort zone.” That doesn’t mean you chose to be more boundaryless or more walled off, but it does mean your boundaries will tend to gravitate toward that point on the continuum.

Your

comfort zone

on the continuum between no boundaries and walled off can be different with different people or in different situations.

Your

comfort zone

on the continuum between no boundaries and walled off changes over time. For example, you may relax your physical or speaking boundaries as you become more comfortable with someone. Or your physical boundaries may move toward walled off after a crisis or injury.

Your comfort zone on the boundaries continuum changes over time as your boundaries level up and improve.

Functional boundaries describe boundaries in balance:

Functional physical boundaries:

You let others know how close they can get to you physically and determine the access others have to your personal possessions. You respect others’ personal/physical space, and you don’t touch other people without their permission.

Functional sexual boundaries:

You decide with whom, when, where, and how you are sexual. You don’t touch another person sexually without their permission. You have the ability to either refrain from or engage in sexual contact with another person.

Functional speaking boundaries:

You share your thoughts (including perceptions and opinions) and emotions with others clearly and respectfully.

Functional listening boundaries:

You listen to what others say, and you have the ability to see differences, if any, between what they say and what you perceive about what they say. In other words, you can understand that their reality may not be your reality. You maintain your own perceptions or truth even when the speaker says something different from what you believe or think.

The functional boundaries described in the preceding list are personal boundaries at their very best. When you’re considering where your current boundaries belong on the continuum between no boundaries and walled off, choose which end of the continuum fits for you based on times when you’re not at your best. Picking one as your default (which may also be your comfort zone) shows you where to focus your boundary work and helps you identify opportunities for growth.

When your personal boundaries are in balance, you’re able to be vulnerable (to the extent that you want to be vulnerable) with another person while still feeling protected.

Notice in Figure 1-1 that the midpoint represents balance, which is marked with an oval. I prefer illustrating balance this way, rather than with a straight vertical line, because balance isn’t something you achieve and then hold in any area of your life.

My favorite analogy for achieving balance comes from yoga poses, like tree pose, in which you stand on one foot for an extended period of time. In balance poses you never stand completely still. At a minimum, your foot and ankle make continuous micro-adjustments to keep you upright. Sometimes you lose your balance and have to start over. It’s the same with boundaries. Don’t aim for perfection. Aim for the very real messiness that true balance requires.

© Victoria Priya, LCSW, SEP; adapted from the work of Pia Mellody

FIGURE 1-1: Boundaries at the extremes.

Acknowledging Cultural Differences

Different cultures have different ideas and perspectives about personal boundaries, and so do the individuals who belong to those cultures. No person or group of people can claim that their views on personal boundaries are the “right” boundaries or the boundaries everyone else should follow.

You, I, and every person who reads these words have preconceived concepts, opinions, and biases about what defines healthy, functional boundaries. These ideas are rooted in:

The family you grew up in

The cultural background(s) of your parents

The cultural background(s) of extended family members you came into contact with growing up

Your family’s socioeconomic status and how you were taught to relate to others based on your status in your culture

The country (or region of the country) where you grew up

The cultural norms of the society you grew up in

Cultural norms for boundaries are often different and distinct between various groups. However, it’s a mistake to say that every person from a particular culture agrees with or observes the same personal boundaries.

Regardless of the culture or cultures that have had the most influence on you, ultimately you get to decide what boundaries make sense to you. You’re not bound by what you were taught or what you learned about boundaries from your culture or your family of origin.

You may strongly disagree with certain principles, concepts, or tools I present in this book. What you get from these pages may make you rethink what you were taught and what you’ve believed until now. Some of what you discover here may catapult you to another level of empowerment and freedom.

I invite you to embrace what resonates and what feels true to you. The rest you can leave on the page. This simple exercise of taking what feels true and leaving the rest is an example of your personal boundaries at work!