Pushback E-Book

Selena Rezvani

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 361

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

Negotiation wisdom from highly successful women to help you fast track your career

In Pushback: How Smart Women Ask—and Stand Up—for What They Want, top leadership consultant Selena Rezvani reveals how women can secure promotion opportunities, plum assignments, and higher pay by standing their ground and pushing back for what's rightfully theirs. This revised and expanded version features interviews from dozens of executive leaders, including Darla Price, President of Ogilvy New York, Jen Fisher, Chief Well-being Officer at Deloitte, and Jayshree Seth, Chief Science Advocate and Corporate Scientist at 3M.

Rezvani also shares exclusive data highlights from hundreds of professional women across industries, sourced from over five years of online surveys, to reveal startling findings on confidence, self-advocacy, and negotiation. In this book, readers will learn:

• A reliable and methodical approach to navigating tough conversations, with compelling facts and research from the worlds of psychology and leadership
• The effect of intersectionality, bias, and internalization of these experiences on workplace negotiations
• How professional women can activate internal and external networks to support their negotiations and proposals—and instill confidence in those they mentor

Pushback: How Smart Women Ask—and Stand Up—for What They Want offers readers looking to accelerate their career paths the unedited truth about how women have advocated their way to the top and triumphed—and how you can, too.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

COVER

TABLE OF CONTENTS

TITLE PAGE

COPYRIGHT

DEDICATION

PREFACE

Notes

1 Why Pushback?

Women Leaders Get There by Asking

The Sour-Sweet Taste of Negotiating

The Cost of Not Asking for What We Want

Pushback and Economic Power

Young Women and Pushback

Women and Negotiating—a Natural Fit

A Four-Step Model of Negotiation

Shoot for the Moon

Notes

2 Find Your Pushback Style

Trust Your Gut

Your Body of Knowledge

Meet Your Inner Risk-Taker

Make a Plan and Make a Start

Won't We Be Punished?

Getting to Know You

Your Personal Pushback Style

Do You See Pushback as a Challenge or a Threat?

Stand on the Edge of Your Comfort Zone

Notes

3 Manage Your Mindset

Who Do You Think You Are?

Your Roots Are Showing

The Locus of Control

Good Girls Don't Ask

The Relationship Trap

How Do You Do Conflict?

The Effect of Fact-Finding on Emotion

What Do You Want and Why?

Know Your Power

Find Invisible Guides

Attitude's Role in Aptitude

Role-Play

Get in the Mood

Channeling Your Own Emotions

Look for the Dual Agenda

Go for It!

Notes

4 Do Your Homework

A Tiered Approach to Preparing

Asking Is Also About Conceding … or Is It?

Just F#$^@# Ask

Notes

5 Maneuvering through the Conversation

Understand the Architecture of Dealmaking

Open Assertively

Set the Pace

Think Co-Investment

Court Your Counterpart

Establish Your Credibility

Anticipate Pushback

Be a Relentless Problem Solver

Appeal to Their Sense of Fairness

Look for a Higher Power

Say It Like They'd Say It

Call on Your Conviction

Exercise Some Silence

Use Your Body

Get Curious, Not Furious

Calling on Delays

Overcome Deadlocks

Plan for Some Give-and-Take

Managing Bullying and Belittling

Close the Deal

Never Undervalue Your Power

Notes

6 Follow Up

Do Your Own Review

Initiate a Feedback Exchange

Confirm the Terms

Mulling a Decision Over

Handling “No”

Hear “No” as “Not Yet”

Stay Oriented toward the Positive

Stay in the Game

Don't Drop the Connection

Grow Some Armadillo Skin

Keep Expanding the Pie

It's a Small World after All

Never Stop Building the Trust

Note

7 Pushback to Own Your Career

Overcoming Inertia

See Yourself as a Change Agent

Be an Opportunist

Be in the Service Business

Leave Some Room to F%$* It All Up

Mentors, Sponsors, and Sages

Refusing, Rebuffing, and Saying No

Move Ice Cubes, Not Icebergs

If It's Meant to Be, It's up to Me

Because No One Else Will Do It for You

Note

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

INDEX

END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT

Guide

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Preface

Table of Contents

Begin Reading

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Index

End User License Agreement

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Fully Revised and Updated Edition

PUSHBACK

How Smart Women Ask—and Stand Up—for What They Want

Selena Rezvani

Copyright © 2024 by Selena Rezvani. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.

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For all the recovering good girls

PREFACE

I can still remember that cringe-inducing, heart-pounding morning.

I was standing in my bedroom ironing my best dress, a magenta warrior suit as far as I was concerned, while I ran my lines out loud. I was getting ready to give a speech in two hours; I'd been courting a technology company in my area for years, and they had hired me to give a speech to 300 of their female technologists as their opening keynote. Whoa! This was a #lifegoals moment, and the pressure was real (so was my uncontrollable sweat!).

As I was giving my speech intro standing square in front of my mirror, the phone rang. My 82-year-old mom, who'd been struggling with balance, had suffered a fall. She was in the ER and had potentially broken her arm. Nooo! So started a chain of phone calls between my siblings and I, to see who could support my mom, be there, and make sure she was okay.

Not 30 minutes later, I'm looking up a telephone number in my phone when it rings again. Caller ID shows the name of my kids’ school—the international oh-shit! signal heard round the world if you're a working parent. It was the school nurse, and before the nurse could even speak, I could hear my daughter crying in the background pleading, “Mama, come get me” while the nurse explained my daughter had a spiking fever.

My first thought? How did this day become cursed?!

My second thought? What a great time for my husband to be on a work trip!

You can probably feel the pressure—and the sweat—in this moment. Even if your circumstances were different, I know you've had these same kinds of days.

So how is it that my daughter isn't still sitting at school waiting for a ride home? That my mom didn't have to suffer on her own? That the presentation was delivered?

These things got resolved through a series of trade-offs, mini deals, and agreements—otherwise known as negotiations. A negotiation with my siblings so my sister could attend to my mom until the next day when I could take over. A negotiation with a friend to bring my daughter home and take care of her that day. A negotiation with my client so I could arrive 40 minutes later than we'd initially agreed. A negotiation with myself that I had what it took to pull the day off (and not to just sink under the covers and stress-eat all the ice cream cake in my freezer)!

And you? I know you negotiate all the time. To resolve a standstill. To manage a tough deadline. To deal with scope creep. To satisfy a tough customer. To deal with the unexpected. But my guess is that you don't call it negotiation—you might think of it as managing the problem … handling a curveball … getting it done. You negotiate with others all the time, but you probably don't call it a negotiation!

My question for you is, what if you brought that same ferocious advocacy you bring to serving your clients and managing toward deadlines to those areas that benefit you? Like your work assignments, that brand-new amazing role at your company that doesn't yet exist. How about for work/life boundaries, or if someone makes you feel small? You might also want to negotiate for structural changes at your company such as salary transparency, more inclusive benefits, or more urgent action around promoting diverse leadership.

One of my hopes in offering you this how-to guide is for you to claim credit for the many ways you already use this skill, so you can come at these conversations even more strategically. So you can negotiate more often. Maybe you want a raise or flexible schedule. Maybe you're craving the chance to lead a coveted project. Perhaps you need to sell others on the value of your ideas. Maybe you're sick of saying yes when you mean no.

There are circumstances nearly every day, in every area of life, where we can and need to negotiate—to invent, to create solutions, to advocate for what we want and need. This book is here to build your confidence so you can be the vocal champion you've always wanted to be. I believe this is the key for professional success and fulfillment, and even better, that it can be learned!

Why write a book on pushback for women in particular? In my professional life, I have the opportunity—and honor—to advise women colleagues, students, and professionals about leadership and negotiation all the time. Since 2007, I've been immersed in the world of leadership development for women. I've had the pleasure of writing a monthly column for the NBC's Know Your Value and The Washington Post, where I connect with thousands of women about the journey of navigating work as a woman.

I also create leadership content five days a week, across social media platforms to help provide guidance and scripts for the toughest workplace conversations and interactions. The women I train and coach, my readers and community members, are in the trenches of corporate jobs dealing with leadership issues firsthand. They tell it to me straight, underscoring that on a daily basis, there are a galaxy of requests for their time, decisions to be weighed and made, and opportunities when they can propose an alternate path.

I also serve as the author of a weekly newsletter, Quick Confidence, which has grown to 100,000 subscribers strong and developed into a Wall Street Journal bestselling book in 2023. Each week I share in my newsletter tactical guidance for developing more confidence in those ambiguous situations with bosses, peers, and even friends—that no one gives you a manual for. I've also had the good fortune of volunteering for years as a vice president for the National Association of Women MBAs, a group that encourages ambitious young women to lead, regardless of their chosen career path or interests.

When I'm not coaching or speaking to audiences of women and allies at places such as The World Bank, Under Armour, and Microsoft, I consult with leaders to help them better engage and retain their female workforce, positioning an inclusive workplace as a competitive advantage. Regardless of where these activities take me, I make a point to have regular conversations with women and people whose gender identity doesn't confer them the privileges that come with being a man. And you know what? Whether I'm speaking to Johnson & Johnson's young professionals group, business students at Harvard University, or attendees of an international leadership conference, attendees tend to ask me the same questions, most often related to negotiation, self-advocacy, and standing firm:

How can I confront a workplace issue head-on without decimating the relationship?

I understand the value of asking for what I want, but I tend to avoid the tough conversations. Why is this so difficult, and how can I do it anyway?

I find myself flustered in negotiations, giving in too soon or agreeing to terms on the spot. How can I be more prepared the next time?

What's the best way to take a firm position when my needs aren't being met or if I disagree?

I'm a woman of color [or insert another historically underestimated identity here!] and pushing back carries more risk for me. How can I negotiate more effectively without putting myself/my reputation at risk?

I tend to negotiate more often at home than at work. How can I translate these skills to business situations?

If I want to advocate passionately about an issue, how far should I push?

Now, you probably picked up that some of these questions imply a level of anxiety and discomfort about negotiating. Obviously it's not that women are born without a “negotiation gene.” Heck no! But certainly for some women, negotiating—among other pushback skills—has all the attraction and appeal of scooping a litter box (that's despite the fact that, as I show later in this book, women are uniquely positioned to succeed at bargaining conversations!). I for one grew up in a household where kids weren't expected to speak their minds—I was taught to be deferential, which (awkward!) flies in the face of asking for what you want, even as an adult. But here's a bigger reason we might hesitate—years of data show that when women negotiate for more money or a better assignment, they may face blowback, for what's perceived as behaving in a stereotypically masculine or outspoken way—and the risk of biased perceptions are even more common for women of color. Not just that, but even with an increasing number of women asking for higher raises, they're less likely than men to get a yes. It's my belief that building awareness of these common patterns of bias and yet negotiating anyway—whether or not someone approves—is one of the most powerful ways women can move from apprehension to strength and authority. While it's not women's jobs to fix broken workplaces or reward systems—that work is squarely owned by leaders—I'm a believer that we can reshape the norms that people expect from us. That's why over and again in this book, you'll see me highlight bias dynamics and then show you negotiating skills and techniques we can use in spite of them.

For many women, when we're faced with a less-than-optimal situation or circumstance, there are niggling influences guiding us not to act. We might wonder, “Shouldn't I be concerned with what benefits the team here, not what I want?” “What if asking for what I want turns ‘them’ off?” “Is it possible for me to be a team player and assertive at the same time?” Our own internal monologue might convince us that nothing can be done, that we're not qualified to ask in the first place, or tempt us to avoid the confrontation altogether. We also might have attempted to negotiate before, only to have our request shot down—a factor that led us to decide it's easier to sidestep these conversations full stop than to try at all. Our own self-questioning can stop us long before we get to the negotiating table. That's why one of my most repeated mantras is: don't tell yourself no before they do.

I've written this book for every woman who wants to build confidence in her self-advocacy skills—not just in negotiating for their kids, for their colleagues, for mentees and loved ones, but to negotiate when its only you who stands to gain. You're not greedy or “thirsty” to want a better title, excellent pay, or plum projects. You're not greedy to want more.

And let me be clear: gender is not binary. No matter the sex you were assigned at birth, if your gender identity has been historically underestimated (as they have been for all of us, other than men!), it's no surprise that negotiating for yourself may be a challenge. Throughout this book, you'll see me talking about women—but for my nonbinary peers and readers, I see you. Everything that I want for “women,” I want for you, too. In particular, I want to reach those with leadership in their sights. As part of the next generation of women leaders, you are primed to thrive in the work world—finally assuming the high-level positions in which women have historically had a minute or non-presence. You certainly don't lack drive or ambition. In fact you hold unprecedented power—outnumbering men in the college-educated workforce,1 holding more advanced degrees than men,2 and controlling 51% of US personal wealth and by 2030, two-thirds.3 Think about it: women's opportunities today would no doubt be unrecognizable to many of our grandmothers and great-grandmothers.

And yet—real-talk time—the job environments that greet you are not yet truly gender inclusive. The policies and structures that you navigate will be largely man-made. You may have a few high-ranking role models you can relate to, but your work culture may feel stifling. Even the benefits extended to you will largely undermine the realities many of you face such as motherhood or the quest for a life outside of work. If one thing's clear, the work world needs “work,” and you're the perfect candidate to change it. If we as women are going to build on the unmatched power and momentum we have today, we’ll need to lead the charge. If we want our voices to be heard and to be part of the everyday decision-making that affects us, we’ll need to keep pushing back.

Luckily, the timing's just right. The conditions to be a change agent are here. Beyond the fact that women represent a compelling talent pipeline, the world requires feminine leadership like never before. Women's next-level abilities to include, empower, empathize, stabilize, glean, and lead are direly needed in a job market, corporate culture, and economy that are struggling.

You represent the new face of women leaders and role models in the making. By setting your sights high, you'll avoid the syndrome that leaves so many people languishing from low expectations and, well … settling. Come be a part of asking for what you want and need—in fact, be a leader.

The goal of this book is to offer you a better approach to making compelling proposals and getting yes answers. Based on leadership theory, negotiating strategy, and social psychology, combined with the firsthand lessons and experiences of women executives, the chapters that follow can serve as a road map for helping you attain your own goals, whatever they may be. My interviews with women executives at the top strata of their fields taught me much about the many forms of pushback, its power, and applications for using these skills every day. These women's insights changed and strengthened me profoundly, and I hope they will do the same for you by helping you to find your own pushback voice, style, and signature abilities.

Here's a final thought: you may not realize it, but there are women who look up to you today. Who consider you a role model right now. Step fully into your voice and inner advocate. Not just for you—but to show them they can do it too. By taking that first step to ask for what you want, you might just change your life—and create a cascade for someone else to follow.

Notes

1

.  

Pew Trust Magazine

. 2023. “Women Now Outnumber Men in the U.S. College-Educated Labor Force.”

https://www.pewtrusts.org/en/trust/archive/winter-2023/women-now-outnumber-men-in-the-us-college-educated-labor-force

2

.  McKenzie, B. D., E. Zhou, and A. Regio. 2023. “Graduate Enrollment and Degrees: 2012 to 2022.” Washington, DC: Council of Graduate Schools.

https://cgsnet.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/2022-Graduate-Enrollment-and-Degrees-Final-Report.pdf

.

3

.  Putnam Investments. n.d. “Identify Women Investors to Diversify Your Book.”

https://www.putnam.com/individual/content/advisorTechTips/3150-identify-women-investors

.

1Why Pushback?

Picture someone who challenged you to stretch what you could do. Did they vouch for your skills? Put an opportunity on your path that made a difference? Encourage you to think bigger than before?

I can vividly remember a time when someone encouraged me to be my own best advocate, and it made all the difference. I was an MBA student in 2008, and I was lucky enough to direct some of my own research. And I knew *just* what I wanted to do! Interview C-level women across industries to learn their biggest leadership lessons.

The problem: I didn't know a single woman in the C-suite, and I didn't have any connections to them either. I felt desperate, discouraged, and on my own.

The solution came unexpectedly: One of my professors at Johns Hopkins—Dr. Lindsay Thompson—said, “Selena, I'll approve your research on one condition: you have to go after the giants. Go after the women you think will say no.”

*Gulp*. Until that point, I had only considered interviewing some of the manager-level people in my immediate network. But, taking Lindsay's advice to advocate for more, that's exactly what I did. And you know what? A huge number of top-level women said yes—30, to be exact! Those interviews transformed me, and I knew what I'd learned could help others. That research became my first book, which became my business and life's mission: to propel early- and mid-career women into top echelons of leadership and help organizations retain and engage their female workforce. That act of asking opened up door after door.

Often, behind every powerhouse is a team of people who have their back. That's where your confidence mentors come in. To understand how women leaders have negotiated their career success, I sought out specific data, turning to a set of 20 women leaders in the top echelons of their fields. I had the pleasure of sitting down with these women in hour-long mentoring sessions, to hear in their own words about the learning, mistakes, observations, and successes they'd experienced with self-advocacy.

Women Leaders Get There by Asking

In interviewing these leaders, I learned that women who achieve leadership status don't wait to be noticed. They challenge long-standing beliefs. They pushback on the “good-girlisms” with which they grew up: “be seen and not heard,” “always be nice,” “take just enough,” and “don't be too outspoken.” They don't take “no” as a final, damning answer, nor do they allow rejection to create a deeply personal wound. On the contrary, to survive in a top role, women executives ask for what they want. They're flexible on areas they care less about, and they're firm where it really matters. They don't accept what's unacceptable. They speak and maneuver with unapologetic power.

I started each interview by defining the term pushback to be certain we had the same foundation of understanding. The word is often used to mean resistance. I explained that I was using it more broadly—and more positively. In the context of those interviews and of this book, pushback represents the group of skills that allow us to take a stand, be firm, or advocate on our own behalf. It also encompasses our willingness to advance a cause, make a request, and persuade others of the merits of our view. We can use it to go after what we want, and we can use it to defend what is ours and what we need.

We're called on to pushback when:

We're asked to chair an event. We want to say no, but our reflex is to answer yes.

We're told that there are two paths for advancement at our job: option A and option B. We're interested in the nonexistent option C.

We're interested in expanding our small business internationally, and we'll need to get our business partners, all of whom are satisfied with the status quo, onboard.

We've had a strong year at work, hitting all of our targets, but we've just been notified we'll be receiving a 2.5% raise.

We're shuttling our kids to their fifth doctor appointment in two months and fuming that we don't share this responsibility with our partner.

We're being talked down to in a meeting, when in fact we have a master's degree in the subject at hand and 10 years’ experience in the field.

We spend $250 on a long-anticipated meal for a special occasion, only to experience an evening of rude waitstaff and cold soup.

We've just been assigned another administrative project when what we really want is to manage a client account.

Pushback is not always a formal process, as you can see from the previous examples. Sometimes a simple switch in the way we view our role can be enough to drive a negotiation or debate in a favorable direction. Seeing the other person in a non-deferential and a more equal, peer-to-peer way matters. Because the last thing you want to convey is that the other person is doing you a personal favor. Or that they're important—and you're not. If anything, you want to signal, “I 400% belong at this interview, in this boardroom, or at this meeting.” You can respect another person without making yourself small. That helps your confidence, your performance, and your outcomes too.

Self-Advocacy Matters Everywhere

A study of 136 women receiving care at an ultrasound clinic examined women's beliefs about their role in medical encounters with their physicians. Women who reported repeating information when they felt their doctors did not hear them, asking their doctors to explain information they did not understand, or reminding their doctors about screening tests were more likely to receive needed diagnostic tests than those who reported using these assertive behaviors less often. Interestingly, women who behaved assertively were more likely to view physicians as advisors in their health care and less likely to view their physicians as experts.1

And you know what? Pushback is not always about a grand issue or dealt with on a large scale. Each scenario, large or small, requires similar skills. If you're tackling a negative experience with a store manager or looking to challenge your boss, you'll need a firm voice, you'll want to be ready for a different range of reactions, and you'll have to be crystal clear about your main message. It's important to know where you won't give an inch and where you're open to considering alternatives and options or hearing their side. Ratchet this up to the top level—to Middle East peace negotiations, let's say—and you'll find that our world's leaders have to summon a similar mindset. See, pushback skills can be called on by anyone, anywhere, in any debate situation.

In my interviews for this book, I asked women questions about preparing for negotiations—navigating and communicating your way through them. I asked how they physically carried themselves in a tough conversation. I asked about the nuts and bolts of pushback how-to and about the inside dish—the stuff no one tells you about in the corporate world but that you need to know in order to thrive in it. I learned about how to gain self-worth, how to engage in office politics positively, and how engaging allies can drive the outcome of a pushback situation. I also probed the women about how they manage relationships after a tough conversation or when they're called on to hold repeated negotiations with the same person.

What caught my attention most in analyzing my data was the answer to a numerical question. I asked these women leaders, “Assuming a woman's career success equals 100%, what percentage is accounted for by her effectiveness in negotiating and pushing back?” Of the dozens of responses I heard, the answer was compelling. The executives I met with felt, on average, that a full 60% of a woman's career success hinges on her pushback skills. That's huge—think about how much opportunity there is in 60%! One interviewee said, “Pushback and being firm is a large part of your career. You have to operate like you're a shareholder and like you own the company.” Although technical skills, academic or business pedigree, and people skills are necessities for those who want to lead, command of your own voice and ability to advocate, according to successful women executives, ranks higher. You can assess for yourself how important pushback is in your particular industry and work environment, but the longer you spend in the corporate world, the more you'll find that 60% figure to be rather convincing.

After interviewing more than 50 women executives in writing my columns and books, instead of seeing negotiating and other pushback skills as one part of women owning their power at work, I've come to see it as the most important tool at women's disposal. What's more, it's a tool that the top women leaders I interviewed developed through practice, through experimentation. By committing to the art of asserting themselves and taking risks, these successful women became skilled at learning to negotiate, advocate, stand firm, and pushback. And so can you. This book will show you how.

The Sour-Sweet Taste of Negotiating

I'll never forget querying a room full of hundreds of women in a negotiation workshop with a standard question: How many of you negotiated the salary for your current role?

Only about 10% of the room raised their hands!

While women's propensity to negotiate has increased since that day years ago, there are still gaps in comfort asking. For example, in one study of computing professionals, women and nonbinary people were less likely than men to be confident speaking to a manager about an issue they were having at work and reported even less confidence negotiating for resources like salary or equipment.2 How is it that so many workers can continue to survive professionally without asking for what they want? Negotiation, after all, can make the difference between getting by and flourishing.

There are a few reasons why. Eye-opening research by Professor Hannah Riley Bowles of Harvard Business School, Professor Linda Babcock of Carnegie Mellon University, and Professor Lei Lai of Tulane University found in one study that male and female participants were less interested in working with women who had tried to negotiate a better salary than they were with men who attempted to negotiate a higher salary.3 Yikes! It's not a stretch to think that women know about this bias and oftentimes avoid asking to sidestep being penalized. Talk about a non-motivator to initiate future negotiations!

Rounding out this picture, researchers Laura J. Kray and Alex B. Van Zant of the University of California, Berkeley, and Jessica A. Kennedy of the University of Pennsylvania also found in their own negotiation study that women were more likely to be lied to because participants perceived them as less competent than men.4 That ridiculous competence judgment meant participants expected women to be less likely to question lies. On top of this, both men and women also were more likely to give male negotiators preferential treatment by disclosing more information—for example, hidden interests. (If these research findings make you want to emit a primal scream, same here.)

Then there are internal barriers. We might hesitate to negotiate and pushback for many reasons. Chief among them, I would argue, is a relentless—and often subconscious—belief that relationship should trump outcome or agenda. For example, let's say that Janelle, a 28-year-old junior account manager, is passed over to lead an important new project at work. She is inclined to protest or try to change her boss's mind, but doubts quickly start to creep in. How might pushing back change the existing relationship between her and her boss? “What if I'm laughed at, belittled, challenged, or disregarded?” she wonders. The damage, it seems to Janelle, could be irreparable, and is thus not worth the risk.

A second common reason we might shy away from self-advocacy is a need for perfect or guaranteed conditions. More than once someone getting ready to ask for a raise has pleaded with me, “What if I'm wrong?” or “What if I'm not as much of a leader as I think I am?” or “What if I'm not ready?” Both men and women face uncertainty and doubts, to be sure, but men tend to handle this predicament differently than women do. Research shows that in self-assessments, men tend to overestimate their abilities, and women commonly underestimate theirs. Often, we women feel we have to clear the bar or exceed it, that we need all of the answers—along with guaranteed outcomes—in order to take a risk (even though risk involves taking action without total certainty).

Raising our hands then, either as participants or as resisters, can feel like an impossibly loaded affair. If we must seamlessly maintain our relationships while getting every fact and figure exactly right—if we are insistent on “victory or bust”—no wonder we don't want to ask for what we want!

The Cost of Not Asking for What We Want

Pushing past our discomfort with advocacy, risk, and negotiating, however, is critical for our success. Think about it: Negotiations are among the most materially significant dealings we have in our personal lives, and they are particularly important at work. What other conversations create value, drive growth, or fatten our purse at the same rate? When we hesitate to ask for what we want, it substantially hurts our earning potential, our access to plum work assignments, and our opportunities for promotions. From a broader perspective, not asking for what we want limits our input in decisions that affect us, making our voice a barely audible whisper. Not asking encourages us to accept what is, to consent to that with which we might disagree, and to leave a world of opportunity unclaimed.

I'll never forget learning one particular rough negotiating lesson early in my career, when I was offered a job at midsize consulting firm in Washington, DC. After getting the offer, I felt the salary was low, so I asked for a higher, more fair number. But, the recruiter insisted they couldn't budge. To not ruffle feathers, I started to tell myself, “Well, the people seem nice … the culture seems good … the benefits meet my needs. And I kinda don't want to go on more interviews, so, let's just do it.”

So I accepted. But guess what. By going against my better instincts and failing to stand my ground, my resentment only heightened in that job. And it didn't only affect my attitude, it affected my wallet. I lived with bigger money worries (hello, student loan repayment!) than I potentially needed to, for years. It wasn't until two full years later that I asked for an aggressive raise, highlighting my successes and results, and got it.

The lesson is, if you dislike the terms now, you'll only hate them later. When you negotiate now (like I wish I had for the job above) you save your future self a world of hurt. But sometimes even if we get ourselves to the negotiating table, we can fail to honor our own limits, wishes, and wants by capitulating too soon. By settling for the offer on the table. By being accommodating. By taking the path of least resistance. By assuming their limitation is our limitation. Maybe you can relate to a time you felt pressure to go with the flow to avoid making a big deal about something?

The funny thing about asking is that when we get used to living without doing it, any semblance of negotiating becomes as uncomfortable as, say, wearing scratchy, burlap undergarments! We funnel our discomfort into unproductive and unsatisfying channels: we grumble about our problem to everyone except the person who can do something about it. We lambast ourselves for not having the nerve to protest. We are disgusted at how far we'll go to avoid a confrontation altogether. And we may think back disappointedly to a time when we caved, capitulating way too easily with a smile and a “yes,” when what we really wanted to say was no. (I've certainly had this experience.)

Deciding whether or not to negotiate or advocate is part of something larger—our conditioning. Animal trainers know a thing or two about the effects of habituation. Elephant trainers, for example, tie baby elephants to poles, and the babies can't get loose no matter how they resist and tug. As the elephants grow and develop to massive proportions and great power, however, they don't realize that they can easily free themselves. So as full-grown adults, they don't even bother trying to escape. Similarly, our assessment of our own power, whether right or wrong, drives the action we're willing to take.

Many of us might recall a pushback situation in which we didn't feel the slightest bit powerful. We then attach that feeling to a sense of what we deserve and who we are in the long term. So we don't ask for what we want, and we never get to challenge our deep-seated thoughts of inadequacy, which means we never get to prove them wrong! And so the cycle continues. At the same time, the effect of experience can work in quite an opposite way. By taking action and practicing the thing we're afraid of, we can give ourselves wins that show us we have power and can use it, leading to a virtuous cycle.

Ironically, as uncomfortable as the thought of asking for what we want is, living without negotiating—without insisting on mutually positive terms—is much tougher than advocating your case. Another irony is that our relationships are actually strengthened when we let the other person know what we want and where we stand. Everything from the conditions of our work to the projects we take on to the deadlines to which we agree is negotiable. Our career prospects can be greatly accelerated when we advocate for what we want and, by the same principle, can be heavily weighed down and stalled by inaction. If you're trying to navigate from point A to point B, wouldn't you prefer a high-powered, state-of-the-art propeller boat as opposed to an oar-less rowboat? Indeed, between pushing back and not pushing back, there's no contest.

Pushback and Economic Power

If you're reluctant to ask for what you want, consider that the tangible costs of not negotiating are many. By omitting negotiation from salary discussions, for example, a woman stands to lose between $1,000,000 to $1,500,000 over the course of her life.5

It's been demonstrated that men and women tend to perceive and value money differently. For example, in a study in Social Indicators Research, researchers found men value power, security, autonomy, and freedom in money more than women.6 Conversely, the study found women are more likely to value generosity and buying for emotional regulation purposes, more than men. Women are encouraged to save money for emergency situations and to spend largely on items to benefit their families, whereas men are often socialized to enlarge their pot of money—to grow and invest it. Women often see money negotiations as tied to their deservingness and what is “fair,” whereas men are motivated to negotiate based on what they want.7

According to McKinsey, by 2030, American women are expected to control much of the $30 trillion in financial assets.8 Even so, the fact that we generally earn less than men increases—and amplifies—our financial dependence on them. With half of all marriages ending in divorce, our own share of earnings becomes even more of a vitally important lifeline. What's more, the National Committee on Pay Equity found that since the passage of the Equal Pay Act in 1963, women's wages have risen at a molasses-slow rate: less than a half-penny per year.9