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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Fachliteratur
- Sprache: Englisch
A WALL STREET JOURNAL BESTSELLER
A PUBLISHERS WEEKLY BESTSELLER
Hands-on, bite-sized strategies for improving your confidence
In Quick Confidence: Be Authentic, Create Connections and Make Bold Bets On Yourself, best-selling author and renowned leadership speaker Selena Rezvani delivers an effective and eye-opening new approach to building confidence and presence for professionals. In the book, the author walks you through—and helps you leap over—the 9 most common obstacles that stand in the way of building authentic confidence. She offers digestible actions, behaviors, and exercises you can use to change the way you think and the way you present yourself to others.
Relying on sound, scientifically validated data, the book helps you zero in on one actionable method at a time, from making a memorable entrance to stoking confidence in those around you. You’ll also find:
- Mental, physical, and interpersonal routines that will lock in your new and confident persona for lasting change
- Techniques for using silence strategically and refusing to overexplain to enhance your credibility and presence
- Ways to overcome the intimidation factor that goes hand-in-hand with dealing with powerful people
A hands-on playbook for professionals at all stages looking for effective confidence-building advice that goes beyond “fake it ‘til you make it,” Quick Confidence is a fun and rewarding journey to a renewed self-image and enhanced well-being.
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Seitenzahl: 314
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023
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Table of Contents
COVER
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
INTRODUCTION
1 Make Strong First Impressions
Just Do You
Notes
2 Create Belonging Wherever You Go
Notes
3 Rebalance Power Dynamics
Notes
4 Release Overdoing, Overthinking, and Overexplaining
How to Get Unstuck from the “Over-delivery Trap”
Notes
5 Negotiate Your Success
Notes
6 Harness High-Stakes Moments
Note
7 Overcome Toxic People and Cultures
Notes
8 Rise above Fails and Setbacks
Notes
9 Scale Your Confidence
Notes
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
AFTERWORD
INDEX
END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
Guide
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
Table of Contents
Begin Reading
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Afterword
Index
End User License Agreement
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Praise for Quick Confidence
“The perfect clapback to the ultimate existential crisis of not feeling enough. This is a beautifully written manual for the self on how to get there from here when it seems too far and too hard.”
—Margaret Cho,Comedian and actor
“This book delivers an instant injection of inspiration. Writing with both wit and compassion, Rezvani shows how to stop playing it safe and live a life of greater boldness. Whether making meaningful first impressions, pitching your next big idea, or staying resilient in the face of rejection, Quick Confidence is insight, persona, and best of all, actionable.”
—Daniel H. Pink,#1 New York Times bestselling author ofThe Power of Regret, Drive, and To Sell is Human
“If you want to move, speak or think with more confidence, this is the book for you. Selena Rezvani masterfully distills the most essential confidence-building habits, so you can go after your biggest, boldest goals.”
—Jason Feifer,Editor-in-Chief, Entrepreneur magazine
“By the time you finish Selena Rezvani's book, you'll have kicked your limiting beliefs to the curb. Her stories are relatable, her tips are relevant and fresh – you'll be inspired to believe in yourself more and to keep reaching higher.”
—Coby Miller,2x U.S. Olympian and Medalist, Track and Field
“…A powerful, thought-provoking book about how we can develop self-belief in our careers and beyond.”
—Mika Brzezinski,“Morning Joe” co-host and Know Your Value founder
“If you want to feel unstoppable and supremely inspired, read this book. Selena Rezvani shows us how to conquer the moments that matter most by multiplying self-belief—one action at a time.”
—Ann Anaya,SVP and Chief Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Officer,AmerisourceBergen
“To be a force for good in your career, you need the confidence to express your thoughts, share your ideas, and admit to mistakes. Selena Rezvani's Quick Confidence teaches us how to nurture self-confidence, no matter how high the stakes. Substantive and practical, this book will help you inspire confidence in those around you as well—to empower them to use their voices, take courageous risks, and challenge the status quo.”
—Amy C. Edmondson, PhD,Harvard Business School Professor, author ofThe Fearless Organization,and Thinkers50 #1 Ranked Management Thinker
“Whether you're navigating a new career move or regaining your footing after a setback, Selena Rezvani's Quick Confidence is the manual we all need to take fearless action. Delivered through powerful and practical tips and stories, Selena lowers the hurdles to help each of us speak up, show up, and lead.”
—Anna Ransley,Chief Information Officer, Godiva Chocolatier
“Quick Confidence is a practical guide for building and practicing self-confidence daily. Filled with small, doable actions, this book will give you the courage to follow your passions and embrace your joy!”
—Jen Fisher,Chief Well-being Officer, Deloitte
QUICK confidence
Be Authentic, Boost Connections, and Make Bold Bets on Yourself
Selena Rezvani
Copyright © 2023 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 750-4470, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permission.
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Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Further, readers should be aware that websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read. Neither the publisher nor authors shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Rezvani, Selena, author.
Title: Quick confidence : be authentic, boost connections, and make bold bets on yourself / Selena Rezvani.
Description: Hoboken, New Jersey : John Wiley & Sons, Inc. [2023] | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2022057621 (print) | LCCN 2022057622 (ebook) | ISBN 9781394160945 (hardback) | ISBN 9781394160969 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9781394160952 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Self-confidence. | Interpersonal relations. | Success.
Classification: LCC BF575.S39 R498 2023 (print) | LCC BF575.S39 (ebook) | DDC 158.1—dc23/eng/20230303
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022057621
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022057622
Cover Design: WileyCover Image: © Shtonado/ShutterstockAuthor photo: © Gabrielle Smarr
This book is dedicated to anyone who's ever struggled to feel like “enough,” who said yes when they meant no, who talked themselves out of an exciting dream, or who quaked at the thought of taking that first step.
This book also goes out to anyone who's ever felt like throwing traditional confidence books out a fourth-floor window. A big part of the confidence journey just can't be faked. I hope that every bit of information in this book brings you closer to who you are and that it helps you change your story and change your life.
INTRODUCTION
When good things happen, do you ever walk around thinking the bottom could fall out at any minute? Like you're just waiting for things to decline?
I regularly counsel my coaching clients not to do this, but a few years ago that exact thing happened to me.
At 42, I was practically pumping my fist, overjoyed at a record year in my speaking and coaching business. All the late nights writing articles and books, prepping speeches, and hiring a kickass team seemed to be paying off. Not far in my memory were the early days of my business, when I was knocking on doors and actually begging clients to work with me. Now, not only were my clients exciting, certified cool companies, they were coming to me! Whoa.
I steeled myself for a big year to come and felt reassured that my young twins were now school-aged. They were doing well and becoming more self-sufficient by the day. This is what people must mean when they say, “I'm in a groove!”
Then, the world changed—overnight.
As the pandemic erupted, things like our health, safety, and level of contact became the only things. It's what occupied more of our thoughts and well—it's what mattered. Just like lots of people, I worried about the future. I felt helpless. I was fearful about susceptible relatives and loved ones. Adjusting to homeschooling two kids while schools were closed was another startling change.
Ugh! So much for that groove.
But as it became clear the pandemic wasn't going to be a short-lived blip, my business took a hard left turn. Company after company cancelled their events with me, cited unforeseen event clauses in their contracts, and pulled out of negotiations. Talk about a gut punch. As I watched all that hard-won security fall away, I realized how close my self-confidence was to falling away with it. Without this lineup of clientele, what exactly did I have to stand on? At that moment, when everyone was asking, “How will you pivot?” I had no idea, I just knew I didn't feel I had “the answer.”
Not just that, but in the weekly chats I was having with my girlfriends, successful women directing important work at some of the largest companies in the United States, I noticed a stark change in their tone. Dubbed The Momrades (mom+comrades, get it?), our group was full of women who you could describe as ambitious, assured, buoyant. Now, though? They felt deeply uncertain, like their employers could lay them off or “re-org” them at any moment. They were understandably trying to get the temperature on things, keeping their heads down, and playing it safer at work. Add to this a raw, pervasive sense of burnout—as one friend put it, “We're trying to solve all the old problems in our jobs, but we have even more new ones.”
As I put my ear to the buzz in my online communities, I heard the exact same sentiment. People were negotiating job stress, new financial worries, health and bodily concerns, cancelled childcare, and more.
For so many workers, their sense of agency and self-confidence was at the curb. Speaking for myself, I felt sideswiped by a queasy mix of fear, uncertainty, and loss. Can you relate? Somehow I’m betting yes.
And that's when I realized something.
What if I could lessen the scariness and uncertainty of this time, even a tad, and give people a little, tiny fortifier? What if, in shoring up my own bleeding self-confidence, I could also help other people build up theirs? Bit by bit?
On one hand, I had this strong feeling people were really hungry for more confidence in their lives (I know I was!). But I questioned if it would add value—if it made “business sense” or if it was “too fluffy.” And I wondered if something like a newsletter was a good idea or a passing impulse.
But the next day, before I lost my moxie, I typed LinkedIn into my browser and hit “Create a newsletter.” I decided I'd call it Quick Confidence. (Not only do I love the topic of self-confidence, but I knew if I wanted to make a promise I could make good on, it would be keeping things brief!) Besides, most of us don't have loads of spare time for a confidence intensive. We need actionable, memorable tips we can apply on the go.
I made a colorful header on my laptop and uploaded it. I decided each issue would address a specific facet of building confidence—things such as dealing with intimidating people, getting ready for a high-stakes moment, asking for a flexible arrangement, rebuilding your confidence after a setback, and many more. To add variety, rather than offering people three general tips in each letter, I separated them into embodied tips, mindset tips, and interpersonal tips and provided one of each in every issue.
Gulp. Here we go.
I sent out the first one, promising to make it a weekly thing—and something amazing began to happen.
People read it. They commented on it. And so many of them shared it! And soon it had thousands of subscribers. With each issue I wrote, I felt myself gaining little confidence wins, ingesting and absorbing the same messages I was asking others to internalize. New clients materialized too, saying, “I found you through your newsletter!”
And people's success stories? They are like jet fuel to me.
“I used the trick you taught on rebalancing power, and it really helped with my executive presentation.”
“I did what you suggested in terms of confident body posture, and I felt more cool and assured networking last night.”
“I decided to stop breaking promises to myself all the time, and it's helping.”
Each comment hammered home that this confidence stuff is not inconsequential—or merely fluff!—in our lives.
Fast-forward to today, my newsletter is 90,000 subscribers strong and counting. I no longer see it as a letter—but a forum, a practice, a gathering place and source of encouragement for people all over the world. And did I mention that the best part of my week is reading people's comments, questions, and experiences? The icing on the cake came when LinkedIn recognized the newsletter as one of the best in the LinkedIn ecosystem.
That's why pitching a book on confidence felt like a natural extension of the newsletter momentum. How cool would it be to curate all the different tips, grouping them to address common challenges—that we all face? So people could make bold bets on themselves—and do big things? I set about doing just that.
Those four sentences make it sound easy, don't they? It wasn't. Forever humbled that I am a student and a teacher, I faced at least a dozen publisher rejections (ouch!) before getting my “Yes.” In fact, pitching this book—the very one in your hands—was a culminating lesson in all the confidence tips I'd spent over a year writing and sharing.
So, what's the point of sharing the flash, the flicker, that started this confidence movement? What's the takeaway?
I could write a book of the lessons I've learned on this confidence journey—oh wait. But joking aside, I think my biggest, most inspiring and confidence-boosting takeaway from my idea-to-newsletter-to-book experience is this: Often we discount an aspiration as a silly urge or passing impulse. Even if it sparks joy or fills us with energy, we tell ourselves all the reasons it could go wrong. We forget about the central idea—the fire—that got us excited in the first place.
Well, I'm here to tell you those sparks are worth paying attention to. This book is proof of it!
To recognize the fire of your best ideas, you need to practice self-confidence. As you do, you'll become more attuned to ideas when they bubble up and, importantly, you'll have more of the motivation needed to execute them.
Together in this book, we'll tackle small, doable actions you can take to build lasting self-confidence. That's going to help you make strong first impressions right out of the gate. That way, you build new relationships on strong footing. We'll look at how to create self-belonging too, even when the people or conditions around you don't foster or encourage it.
We'll explore managing power—harnessing your own power when you're diminished or talked over and resisting the urge to overemphasize others’ power. That's important particularly if you find yourself in a toxic culture or surrounded by toxic people—you'll learn tips for those sticky scenarios too.
Part of this confidence journey means subtracting—letting go of overdoing, overthinking, and overanalyzing. Can't all of us commit to doing that here and there? Maybe more often than that! Letting go sets you up to rise to the occasion in those especially big, career-making moments, freeing you to really focus on your best gifts and talents.
Together, we'll also look at how to negotiate your needs so people listen, and so you can get the green light or “yes” answer you need. As you use these tips to manage even those unavoidable fails and setbacks, I hope you'll highlight the table of contents, dog-ear the book, mark it, and bookmark it—to bring you right to the tip you need in a given moment.
We'll even explore how to scale your confidence, incorporating tips that help you multiply and accelerate your practice of developing healthy self-respect and appreciation over time. And maybe even pass it on to someone else who really needs it.
To help you, each tip in this book is meant to support you with the physical, mental, and interpersonal aspects of building confidence. Now these are not always hard-and-fast categories—some overlap and intersect at times. For example, coming up with a ritual to let go of a tough rejection might be part physical, part mental. But the categories matter because they help us to use all of our faculties—to divvy up the work of confidence in a sense and give homework to a specific part of ourselves. I've found that wildly effective in building self-confidence, and I think you will too. The tips focus on:
Mindset—belief systems, attitudes, dispositions, ways of thinking
Embodied—body language, tangible expressions, mannerisms, movements, physical responses
Interpersonal—relationship behaviors, social interactions, communication practices, person-to-person exchanges
Not only does this mixture of tips help you engage different parts of yourself in your confidence efforts, it keeps things fun and interesting!
And how about this person giving you confidence advice? Why should you trust me? Well, I wasn't born with a confidence gene, that's for sure. I've fought, and tested, and pushed—and buckled at the knees at times working at my self-confidence. But today I'm living it because I practice every day. I'm inhabiting a confident place. And compared to that person—that old version of me—who used to sit on the sidelines and watch interesting things happen to other people, now I'm doing things that really interest me, that I dreamed of, and that light me up.
I want the same for you, however you might define it.
The advice here is more than anecdotal—it draws on coaching and training thousands of professionals on leadership and confidence at places like the World Bank, Under Armour, HP, Microsoft, the US Treasury Department, and dozens and dozens of others. It comes from interviewing scores of executives for my previous books and conducting leadership research around the world.
The advice here draws on my personal journey as a professional too. I've navigated giant, medium, and little boutique employers—and along the way, I've been promoted, I've been laid off, I've supervised people, and I've had terrific bosses and horrible bosses. An important part of my lens is that I'm a woman of color. I've felt invisible and underestimated at work, and I've also felt the joy of carving out my own path to leading. All of that comes into play in Quick Confidence.
I'm an eat-cake-before-dinner kind of person. I want the diet Coke and the french fries. I believe in enjoyment (even if I think wine and coffee count toward my daily water intake).
I think we should put our authenticity and wholeness before any one job, manager, or career phase. I don't think there's any job that should require you to hang up who are on the coatrack—or that's worth trampling your well-being over.
I know that each of us can express something truly special and unique—that we can do big things by making regular deposits in our confidence. When we do, there's no avoiding those deposits becoming mighty sums of confidence that pay dividends for the rest of our lives.
One thing I like to tell myself when I'm heading into a big negotiation or high-stakes opportunity is, Selena, walk in like you 400% belong. It changes my posture, my stride, my facial expression—heck, even my contributions. It's how I make my presence felt.
Now, it's time to make your presence felt.
Walk with me into Quick Confidence like you 400% belong—because you do. Let's do this together. If you learned more about Greek archaeology than you did about self-worth in school, it's not too late for you. Not at all! Now is the perfect time to take your confidence journey bite by bite. Morsel by morsel even. Knowing that the best return on investment you'll ever get is the one you make in yourself.
1Make Strong First Impressions
If you've ever sat there, sweating in a blazer, while people lob difficult questions at you, you get it. Those special things called job interviews are just one example of the first impressions that can feel “make-or-break” in your career. How is it that so much can ride on other peoples’ 30- or 60-minute assessment of you as a human being? And how can a simple Q&A have such a disproportionate impact on your bank account, résumé, and future? We job candidates have our own power and agency (like the ability to walk away or not apply in the first place), but it's easy at moments like this to feel like they have all the power.
It's no wonder that situations like this make our heads spin with tension! In so many career moments, you are being sized up by others in a matter of minutes. But what makes this even trickier is that the rules are ambiguous: at a networking event, for example, we're told to present ourselves in an assured, confident way—but at the same time, we shouldn't come off as over-rehearsed or like a try-hard. And in pursuing a new role, just because we may want a job, we shouldn't convey that we need the job. Then, on our first day of a new job, we should make sure to dress in a smart, polished way, but we're cautioned about looking overly formal or out of touch. Talk about mixed messages!
The human need to search for acceptance from others, even early on in an interaction, is real. We evolved in such a way that sharing resources with other members of our group led to stronger social bonds and helped a group's chances of survival. Part of today's challenge comes from the fact that meeting new people means negotiating lots of unknowns. As NYU researchers explain it, each new person we meet is “a source of ambiguous and complex information.”1 It's sitting with that ambiguity, along with our compulsion to be accepted, that can push and pull our confidence levels like warm taffy. As we try to find that ideal, Goldilocks level of confidence in first-time interactions—not too much and not too little—we can end up forgetting to bring our actual, full, living, breathing selves with us. Not just in interviews, but in any meaningful first-time interaction—introducing ourselves to a prospect, meeting our new boss, or at a coffee date with someone who has the job we dream of having.
This happened to me right at a time when I was trying to cement an important consulting assignment and build up my business. I had done a small job for a midsized tech company—helping to launch a new employee resource group. I now had the chance to pitch a bigger, more powerful leadership and inclusion project to the CEO and his team. In that meeting with the CEO, I worked so hard on making my first impression memorable that I practically tried to fill that vast, gray conference room with my years of knowledge! Armed with my 64 slides, I was so caught up in a gust of “experting,” I didn't leave many openings and spaces for his questions or comments. And slowly, I watched him kind of pull away from the conversation, literally backing his chair away from the table. As he did, my own negative self-talk went into overdrive—which caused me to give a particularly incoherent response to the single question he was able to ask! It hurts to admit, but as you probably can guess, I failed that day to both impress and make an impact.
Yes, it stung. But I can see more clearly now that any situation where you're driven by your insecurities and leading in someone else's style—not yours—will put you closer to losing your audience. Maybe you can relate? Have you ever played a false part initially—or watered yourself down to give others what you thought they wanted?
Part of the issue here is that we pressurize first impressions so much. After all—as undoubtedly you've heard—you never have a second chance to make a first impression, right? In the span of time it takes to bake brownies, we should somehow neatly downplay our flaws and peccadillos and showcase only our shiniest, most motivated, brilliant self.
Here's the thing. So many of the common narratives around making great first impressions are packed with covering up who you really are—and by extension, shaming the not-presentable parts. Well, I'm here to tell you that doesn't work. You do not need to pull one over on people to make it. And to think you should only hurts your confidence long term.
Drawing from my own lessons and from coaching and training thousands of leaders along the way, I'll illustrate how to show all the way up in these meaningful moments—get ready for it—as yourself. Whether you're trying to make a strong initial impression at a networking event—or on your first day at work, at college, or with a new client—you can do this best as you. And I can't wait to show you how.
Just Do You
So, let's update the mindset you're working with. Let's embrace a little thing called human, authentic first impressions. As we do, I hope you'll give yourself and others some latitude. Because who among us doesn't have “off” days and moments? Or doesn't stumble, stammer, or feel plain weird, sometimes, socially speaking?
While you're at it, make some room for the possibility that if things don't go just perfectly, the situation isn't chiseled permanently in marble. In fact, right now, cozy up to the idea that if you need to, you can deepen your existing impressions and relationships with people, even ask for a redo or strategize a comeback. And if for some reason you can't do those things, you know what? You'll learn that's survivable too.
Adopt Dog Code
Sometimes the best confidence lessons come from the most unlikely places. Here's a case in point: Have you ever noticed how dogs greet us humans? If they're anything like my Newfoundland pup Midnight, they don't hesitate. They don't overthink it. They don't talk it over with their friends before making a move.
A dog's nature is to be the first to make a connection. To come right up to you and greet you. And I think there's an important confidence insight we can take from that.
After navigating a pandemic, we're all acutely aware of the importance of something scientists call “Vitamin S.”2 The need to bring people together socially, whether virtually or in person, and to feel a sense of togetherness.
In fact, scientists have discovered even very subtle interactions with strangers improved well-being!3 For example, in experimental studies where subjects were instructed to greet, smile, or initiate a very brief conversation—a single encounter—the interaction boosted people's happiness. These little moments included interacting with a bus driver, with fellow commuters on a bus or train, and with a barista at a coffee shop—even or being with a fellow participant waiting to take part in an experiment. Here's what's cool: the short-term boost in happiness occurs not only in the person initiating the conversation, but also in the person whose social contact was sought!4
So how about it? Why not be the first to:
Say hi and introduce yourself in a group?
Invite your new colleague to a networking or learning session you're attending?
Notice someone who's isolated and might appreciate an invitation to join you?
Invite your new coworker to lunch?
Be warm and welcoming to an employee your team's had a less-than-great relationship with in the past?
As you adopt “dog code,” you may need to be courageous. Sometimes it feels vulnerable to be the first. If you're more introverted or reserved, it might feel challenging to “go right up” to perfect strangers and start speaking. But you can still do it. You might also need courage to challenge the culture of your organization or team—especially if being friendly or “being the first” is not the norm. It takes nerve to buck the status quo! But when you proactively welcome others, you show humility, curiosity, bravery, and a collaborative mindset. These are some of the best traits of true leaders.
Dog code won't just raise up your confidence levels, it's a way to override similarity bias too. Also called “mini-me syndrome,” this cognitive bias explains our tendency to gravitate to people who look and think like us5—which of course narrows our world, our thinking, and our connections. When we adopt dog code, we get that much closer to halting bias and preferential treatment. To make this happen, we all must contribute to positive, welcoming environments and make inclusive first impressions a real thing.
Being the first is a great way to build confidence around other people. When you do, you make relationships a priority in your life—and the people around you will notice and remember.
Connect, Then Lead
Have you ever felt a kind of nibbling pressure to demonstrate you were smart? You know, to show people that you know things? I know I've been there—and my bullish performance in front of the CEO is a fitting example. When the stakes feel high, we tend to want to prove our strength first and above all else.
But here's a newsflash: That's exactly the wrong tack to use when we want to make a strong first impression!
In a study by Dr. Amy Cuddy at Harvard University,6 she found that employees prefer leaders to show warmth first and demonstrate competence second. To get a little more granular here, warmth is represented by things such as friendliness, kindness, and politeness; competence is shown through ability, intelligence, and skills. As Dr. Cuddy explains, once an individual gets a read on a target's warmth, the individual uses those judgments to decide how to behave toward the target.
I like to think about it like this: being friendly and warm is like a door that opens up more possibilities—it puts other people at ease and opens their ears to hear what you have to say next. On the flip side, low warmth is an inhibitor. Even if you're highly competent, your likeability and trustworthiness are what drive others’ partnership, followership, and willingness to vouch for you. A Zenger Folkman study7 that looked at 50,000 managers found that “if you're seen as low-warmth, you have something like a one-in-2000 chance to make the top quartile of effectiveness as a leader.”
So how do we demonstrate this kind of warmth, in a clear and compelling way? Here are some sign posts!
Physical indicators of warmth:
Hold steady, engaged eye contact 60–70% of the time
Nod to show you understand
Smile to signal you're welcoming and bringing positive energy
Lean in, slightly, to show you're interested and engaged in an idea or to encourage the other person
Verbal indicators of warmth:
Ask follow-up questions as a way to show interest in the speaker's thoughts and feelings
Express empathy, as in “I imagine that's a lot to manage/cover/deal with…”
Make your early statements positive, rather than about your long flight or bad night's sleep
Give sincere compliments
I can still remember my mentor telling me when I was in business school that the best way to be interesting is to be interested. And the more I interact with people, the more that phrase resonates. Friendliness and warmth are a form of showing interest. We feel it, in an instinctual way, when someone behaves in a friendly, “I want to get to know you” way. So remember, next time you want to make a firm impression in someone's mind, prioritize your connection with them ahead of dazzling them with your brilliance. Once you establish warmth, the strength of your hard skills is a welcome gift, not a threat.
Give a Great Intro
When someone starts a meeting with, “Let's do a round of intros,” is your honest reaction ever to cringe? Even though you could talk about your work or industry for 30 minutes straight?
The funny thing is that even the most knowledgeable professional, with a respectable number of years under their belt, can feel anxious about nailing their intro. Why is this? Here are the three most common trip wires I see:
Pressure: Too often, we feel the crushing expectation that we should absolutely nail our intro—or showcase every single facet of our value. I'm here to tell you to relax a little bit. Stop trying to fit it all in. If you're meeting a new coworker, for example, it's perfectly okay to give them a broad intro but to leave a little bit of intrigue.
Improvising: Don't just wing it. When it comes to your intro, writing down two or three clear sentences about your role, until it's firmly etched in your mind, can help you deliver it in a cleaner, more self-assured way. Stand-up comedians are allowed to commit their best lines to memory—why can't we?
Drudgery: If you hate giving your intro, it shows. But if you watch people who do this well, they willingly “take the baton” of power in the situation. They enjoy sharing. They don't behave as though their intro is a frivolous waste of time or an indulgence. So think about an enjoyable element of your work—for example, what gives you pride in your role—and start there. Casey Erin Clark, a talented speaker, coach, and friend, even recommends imparting a pleasant flavor to your name—and to imagine tasting it as you give your intro, so you're sure to enjoy it!
To find the right words, Paola Pascual of Talaera, an international firm focused on teaching business English, offers a great framework for making a clean intro: Adapted from8.
The three simple elements are:
Name
Title
Translating your impact into simple, nontechnical language
The third step is the most important. It allows people to digest your message (especially if they're not in your role, company, or function) and to see you as more than just a jumble of #corporatespeak. When you get ready to share your impact in step 3, some of the verbal connectors you can use include: “But really, I…,” “It's all about…,” or “… Which is a fancy way of saying …”
This sounds like:
