Quantum of Silliness E-Book

Robbie Sims

• Herausgeber: The History Press
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 54

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

Who gives the hammiest performance in a Bond film? What is the series' most cringeworthy moment? What quips would Sir Roger Moore come out with if he starred in Licence to Kill? These are the sort of questions you never knew you needed answering. It's Bond, James Bond – but as you've never seen him before.

Leseprobe

For my BBF (Best Bond Friend) Dave;

and my very own Doctor Goodhead, Amir.

Cover artwork by Adrian Teal

First published 2020

The History Press

97 St George’s Place, Cheltenham,

Gloucestershire, GL50 3QB

www.thehistorypress.co.uk

© Robbie Sims, 2020

The right of Robbie Sims to be identified as the Author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in writing from the Publishers.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978 0 7509 9526 9

Typesetting and origination by The History Press

Printed and bound in Great Britain by TJ International Ltd.

eBook converted by Geethik Technologies

ABOUT THE AUTHOROF ALL YOUR PAIN

When he was young and his heart was an open book, Robbie first fell under the spell of 007 while watching Live and Let Die. Consequently, he now finds himself checking the bathroom for snakes every time he shaves. He works as a scriptwriter and voice-over artist, and quite enjoys referring to himself in the third person. For the record: he thinks the best Bond film is Casino Royale (2006), the GREATEST Bond film is The Spy Who Loved Me (1977), and his personal favourite Bond film is A View to a Kill (1985) (which probably explains a lot). You can follow his daily Bondian dribblings on Twitter @TheTchaikovsky.

I’ve been looking FOREWORD to this moment, Mr Bond.

Do you really like James Bond? I do. I’m obsessed with the movies to the point that I spend my spare time pondering what a sequel to Octopussy might be called (Eggpisode 2: Attack of the Clowns?), or whether actress Honor Blackman should really consider changing her surname to Majesty’s-SecretService. Oftentimes you’ll find me lightly caressing the tattoo of Dame Judi Dench on my forehead (always a great conversation piece at job interviews – and there’s been so many), whilst humming a few bars of John Barry’s ‘Dawn Raid on Fort Knox’, then I’ll perhaps channel my best Pola Ivanova and go sit in my Jacuzzi for a while to let the bubbles tickle my Tchaikovsky.

I feel the need for a disclaimer: this may not be the book for casual fans. If you don’t know your Jinx from your Hinx, or can’t differentiate between Monro (Matt) and Munro (Caroline), you risk being left more bewildered than an audience twenty minutes into Quantum of Solace.

So here’s a quick test for you: which movie features a villain with an unconvincing dragon; and which movie features a villain with unconvincing drag on? If you’ve drawn a blank I’d recommend you bail at this point. I mean, thanks for reading thus far but frankly it’s time you put this tome down and started re-evaluating your life choices. Only those with an in-depth (i.e. respectable) level of Bond knowledge will fully grasp what I’m on about across the following pages. (The answers, incidentally, are Dr. No and Diamonds Are Forever respectively.)

Still with me? In the words of Professor Joe Butcher: ‘bless your heart’. Come with me as we explore who gives the hammiest performances of the franchise. We’ll ponder what quips Sir Roger Moore would’ve come out with if he’d starred in Licence to Kill; and compile the appalling jokes Diamonds Are Forever’s Vegas comedian Shady Tree might have in his repertoire if he were performing to a room of Bond fans. We’ll raid nefarious media baron Elliot Carver’s Fake News files, we’ll explore Q’s haikus from his personal diary, and we’ll undertake a much-needed dissection of just how spectacularly dodgy Die Another Day is. But most of all we’ll be wallowing in ropey puns – enough ropey puns to make even the screenwriter of Moonraker blush.

So roll out the gunbarrel, pour yourself a vodka martini (dry) and climb into a sleek ’70’s submersible Lotus (wet) as we take an absurdist deep dive into the greatest movie franchise of them all. The weird and wonderful world of 007 is about to get a whole lot weirder … and negligibly more wonderful.

ALTERNATIVE TITLES FOR DR. NO

When Harry Met CubbyEasy RyderThe Trench ConnectionHow to Feign Your DragonHoney I Blew Up the Crab Key

SHADY TREE’S DODGY DAD JOKES …

Q: What’s Mr Big’s favourite Britpop anthem?

A: Don’t Look Back Kananga.

Q: What’s the difference between a dim-witted cyborg policeman who battles the criminal schemes of Dr Claw, and James Bond’s exploding Omega watch?

A: One’s Inspector Gadget; the other’s a gadget in Spectre.

Q: Which Bond songstress is handy to have nearby on a hot summer’s day?

A: Rita Cool-fridge.

FROM ELLIOT CARVER’S FAKE NEWS FILES …

Having supplied the screenplay for You Only Live Twice, Roald Dahl wrote a sequel – in which 007 has to sit through a two-hour evil masterplan monologue from Blofeld – called James and the Giant Speech.

© Rex Features

Q: What’s Michelle Yeoh’s favourite place to hang out in Jerusalem?

A: The Wai Lin Wall

BOND ACTORS WHOSE NAMES ARE ALSO INNUENDOES

Grand L. Bush

Honor Blackman

B.J. Worth

Roger Moore

Ursula … Undress?

THOUGHTS FROM THE CUBBY HOLE…

Moore’s final scene as 007 – necking in the shower with Stacey Sutton at the ‘climax’ of A View to a Kill – is begging for a direct-to-camera ‘Roger and out’.

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE (BUT USUALLY WORSE) – INVITE 007 TO YOUR WEDDING AT YOUR PERIL …

You Only Live Twice: An arranged and somewhat deranged fake marriage helps Bond go undercover as a local Japanese villager. Imagine being the poor bride arriving at the top of that hill to find you’re marrying a belligerent Scot who looks like he’s into Vulcan cosplay.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: Bond gets proper married! But a blubbing Miss Moneypenny and a boozed-up M bantering with his new crime-lord father-in-law are soon to be the least of 007’s troubles … talk about a shotgun wedding.

Live and Let Die