Quite funny poems E-Book

Christian Adam

• Herausgeber: novum publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 159

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

Humor is... when it still crashes! "Pretty funny poems" - the title sums it up. With a wealth of witty - sometimes perhaps ludicrous - poems, the author skillfully makes his esteemed audience laugh, but also think. Much of it seems more than taken from life on second reading. Adam knows how to turn even small everyday events into something cheerful with just a few words and skillful rhyming. But behind some funny (cunning?) poems, there are also thoughts that are quite close to reality. Open yourself up to this book, you will enjoy it very much. There can never be enough humor in these truly serious times.

Leseprobe

Naples

On the long-haul flight to Zaire

spoke on board the engineer:

"Attention, dear passengers,

give me your ear for a moment!

Once under a papule

Goethe moaned with worry:

If I ever see Naples,

I want to die afterwards!

Now you can succeed,

to understand this proverb:

If you look down on the left.

you can see Naples.

And whoever is on the right

can look through the window',

sees how across the whole width

the engine is on fire!"

Navi

A relative spoke to Kurt:

"You know what I'm sure of:

No woman is more tolerant

than the woman in the navigation system.

Even if you allow her to,

she never asks you the question:

Tell me how many Navis you've had

have you been here before me?"

Sour wine

To the Montana Casino

scurries in after work

thirsty a midget

and orders a glass of wine.

When he got this,

he calls to the waitress:

"This stuff tastes great

as if there were lemons in it.

This grape juice is sour,

unpalatable and perfidious,

and I get such a shiver,

that it pulls me together!"

"Save yourself these theses",

the waitress quickly reminds us.

"They were already so small,

when you came in!"

Matura meeting

An old woman in a cab

climbed with crutches

and the driver said: "I'm asking you:

Where is the journey going now?

Do you want to go to Lainz in the countryside?

to the retirement home

or, what seems better to me,

out to the central cemetery?"

Then she replied: "Of course

the grave has been threatening me for a long time.

Nevertheless, I'm going to the Sacher because

I have a high school reunion there!"

"That's strange, so to speak",

he said with irony.

"May I ask your age?"

"Ninety-nine!" she said.

"May I know more," he asked:

Will there be many more?"

"No," she said, "for seven years.

I'll just sit there alone!"

Lilliputians in the saloon

One evening in Montana

at the bar in the restaurant

stood only Lilliputians -

Twenty-two in number.

As the whisky glasses clinked,

Django came into the building,

looked around and asked the innkeeper:

"Is the table soccer broken?"

Shipwreck

When a little ship was sinking,

said the captain in distress:

"Be careful not to drown,

we have to get into the lifeboat.

There are eleven people inside,

that makes the decision difficult,

to escape fate.

My question is therefore:

Can anyone on board pray here?"

"Sure," said his wife, "me!"

"Great!" he said: "Necessary

is now nothing on the bottom line.

So I say consensual:

You stay on the ship, my darling.

The lifeboat contains

only room for ten people!"

Psychic and Christian

"I want to know in a hurry",

a Christian spoke to the clairvoyant,

"whether my father is in hell

or is in heaven anyway!"

After five seconds

served up this answer:

"Your father is driving in Gmunden

on the excursion boat and fishes!"

The Christian shouted angrily: "Traitor!

Give me my money back!

Because one father died in Crete

two weeks ago on the Ruhr!"

"This is embarrassing without end!",

the clairvoyant then said.

"Please show me your hands,

that I can look again.

Yes, because your mother's husband

has already died.

And your father sails in the cutter

on the Traunsee and fishes!"

Submarine drama

"I'm really pissed off!",

shouted the submarine captain.

"What kind of fool has forgotten,

to turn off his shower?"

The mate then said: "Allow me

Just give me a quick word

Now to the situation. Shower had

We've never had one on board!"

Name change

"To me," said Arnold Schwarzenegger

to the man at the registry office,

"people get on your nerves -

and honestly: all of them.

For the breeds in the countries

South and North America

I have to change my name,

So please do that!"

The official spoke with integrity:

"I've been expecting it for years!

Get rid of theNegronow

or just the wordblack?"

Scrapping

"I'll bring you my snappy,

old Borgward," said a Prussian,

"here to Munich for scrapping.

Tell me your price!"

"A thousand euros without tax!",

said the Munich dealer.

"Man, that's way too expensive!",

the Prussian got upset.

"Good," said the Bavarian dryly,

"because I know where you come from:

You stay in the car,

the procedure is for nothing!"

Swimming

When he marched to the exercise

for the army in Austria,

the newly recruited

Hans in a gravel pond.

Under terrible whimpering

he went down almost defenceless,

until a brash lifeguard

just caught him by the scruff of the neck.

"Why didn't you swim?",

the captain asked afterwards,

whereupon Hans - still half dazed -

said: "I couldn't, here you go.

Always remained obedient

like a loyal officer,

and the sign there reads:

Swimming is forbidden here!"

Brandy bar

It was just four o'clock in the morning,

than the emergency telephone

suddenly resounds loudly at the counter

at the police station.

"My situation sucks!",

slurs a sandler with a puff.

"When, I would like to know,

unlock the brandy bar?"

The official, named Erich,

says: "It will be at seven.

But with your intoxication - I swear -

the landlord won't let you in anyway!"

Then the Sandler slurs: "Mandatory

I don't want to go into this house,

because the opposite is urgent.

I have to ship and I want to get out!"

Taking the piss

An already slightly tipsy Bavarian

takes up residence in the Hofbräuhaus

and ordered in double-breasted

a beer from the waitress.

"Non-alcoholic?" she asks kindly,

while she gets the job.

"Don't be petty," he says.

No, lactose-free is enough!"

On it in a really harsh

She yells in his face:

"Are you crazy? Are you kidding me?

I don't have that kind of pork potion!"

The Bavarian is quick on his feet

answers her: "Give it a rest!

Which of us is the stupid one here?

You started it!"

Drunk

Today the summary judge questioned

touched the arrestee:

"You are now the defendant.

What brought you here?"

"Two policemen so young",

said Ottokar in response,

"kept me as a civilian

in front of the brandy bar!"

"Obviously sunk deep!",

the judge said in passing.

"Were you perhaps drunk?"

"Yes," said Otto, "all two of them!"

Alcohol consumption

"Basically, I would like to know";

Paul said on their first date,

"How it is with you with the pleasures

about everyday drugs!"

"I smoke a pack a day",

she replied correctly,

"and drink an eighth here and there

and sometimes a sparkling wine!"

"Do you smoke and drinkbeforeeating?",

he was still poking holes in them.

"Or ratherafterdinner?"

She then said: "Instead!"

Embellish

"Darling," says an old Bavarian,

"please buy from Aldi

today' for the birthday party

a whole crate of beer!"

"No, I don't have that much pink",

she replies with annoyance.

"Twenty euros just for make-up,

because I have to beautify myself!"

"You can safely drive to Aldi",

says the Bavarian and laughs.

"You can spare yourself the make-up,

That's what beer is for!"

Slow poison

Anneliese spoke to Bertram:

"As for the alcohol,

he is decidedly long-suffering

a poison that leads to death!"

"Knock that out of your beet!",

Bert replied.

"Do you think that for your sake

I'm going to drink cyanide?"

Encrypted diagnosis

"Listen, I'm telling you with all my might!",

the doctor said to Sepp in horror,

"I have never seen liver values,

as extreme as yours is now.

Alcohol in such horrendous

Quantities are a vicious circle.

Your life will end in agony!"

"Yes," replied Sepp, "I know!

My drinking is piggish

and a real mess.

And what does it mean in Latin

for at home for my wife?"

Drunk as a skunk again

When the farmer was drunk as a skunk

after the morning pint then

has arrived home,

his wife began to scold him:

"Again and again in the tavern

you drink to excess, jug after jug.

Even an ox at the trough

realizes when it has had enough!"

"That's enough to make your hair stand on end",

he bellowed to her, pale.

"If only I drankwater,

I would know if I had enough!"

Therapy with pets

"Since we've lived in Trofaiach",

said the blonde Mariann',

"I have such depression,

that I can't sleep at night!"

"A depression is getting smaller",

said her neighbor Fred slyly,

"if you're like us

takes a pet to bed with you!"

The next day the woman called:

"Fred, you're an idiot.

My depression is worse

and my goldfish, it's dead!"

The fifth man

A gorgeous blonde -

In her early forties or so -

roams with the tippet

Paul on the train over his bottom.

"Could you please forgive me?"

was Paul's comment.

"I deeply regret it,

because it was unintentional!"

"I will gladly forgive you",

she then replied.

"Because you resemble me, I can see that,

seriously my fifth husband!"

"You've been married five times?"

Paul said to her in amazement.

"No," she said, "I must confess:

There have only been four so far!"

A blonde in a museum

The other day, blonde Hilde

into the art museum,

and spoke wisely before the first picture:

"That must be a Rembrandt!"

Next to her an art expert -

distinguished and elitist -

corrected immediately with severity:

"This painting is a Vermeer!"

"But that's a Dürer there",

she spoke quickly in the next room.

"No," replied the guide,

"that's a Raphael there!"

"Nevertheless," she said, "I want to show,

that I know something about art,

when I am breathless with silence

to the next work of art.

This is, I say openly,

a Picasso without a doubt!"

The stranger spoke in dismay:

"Wrong. It's just a mirror!"

Petrol station raffle

Kurt from Carinthia's Karawanken

spoke to his neighbor Marc:

"Are you coming with me? I'm going to refuel today

over to Styria.

In the office with the gas station attendant inside

a numbers game is played,

and there you can win outright

a night of love for free!"

That's what happened. Once there

said the gas station attendant confidently:

"Name me quickly without hesitation

a number from one to ten!"

"Seven!" said Kurt calmly.

The gas station attendant said: "Sorry.

You haven't won anything again.

The winning number is three!"

Neighbor Marc called out discontentedly:

"You, I think he's setting you up!"

But Kurt said firmly:

"No, my friend, that can't be.

Believe me, as a proper

Witness, I stand before you.

My wife, I know that for sure,

they've already won here ten times!"

Special positions

Peter spoke to the blonde Liese:

"I would have loved to spend time with you

somewhere in a meadow

a great night of love!"

"Before we start, you need to know",

she said on schedule,

"Kissing is important to me,

but different, because I would like to

Kisses only in other places!"

"Downstairs," he asked, "or downstairs?"

She then said: "Seychelles,

secondly Bali, thirdly Rome!"

Headlight

"You, Sybille! May I ask",

Jutta asked, irritated,

"Why are there on your car?

twenty headlights mounted?"

"That's great!" said Sybille.

"Because that way I can always

with the Gucci sunglasses

drive in the dark!"

Acoustics

His blonde girlfriend Paula

invited the handsome Engelbert

in Trofaiach in the auditorium

to a rock concert.

But after the first number,

because it was really booming,

cried Engelbert, full of sorrow:

"The acoustics are bad here!"

Then Paula said: "These lousy

Rockers have no standards.

Now that you've pointed it out,

I smell it too!"

English studies

Eberhard with interest

goes on her very first date,

has the address from Parship

from the blonde Annegret.

"Hello," she says, "what I'm looking for,

is a man with a high salary.

Enlightenment is now in the books:

What is your profession?"

He reports: "Pro futura

it's good to study,

and after graduating from high school

enrolled in English studies right away!"

"That," she says, "is one of the goals,

that goes perfectly with wealth.

And now tell me how many

you have already caught!"

Carinthian at the patent office

Well protected in a small bag

brings Constanze from Klopein

two filled, small bottles

proudly into the patent office.

"Wanzentod is the motto!"

she immediately calls to a gentleman.

"May I please show you these

Explain the miracle liquid.

You hide like a clever person

in front of the bed, where does the enemy live,

and there you lie in wait,

until the bug appears at night.

Then grasp with your fingers

quickly the tip of one leg,

and to reduce fidgeting,

they are dipped into vials.

If the bug is then apathetic,

you dip them into vials two,

and that's it, because automatically

death comes immediately!"

The director says: "We need

but not this procedure,

because the many immersions

is basically pure nonsense.

I find a bug in the bed,

then I'll crush her belly!"

Constanze replies:

"Granted, that's how it works!"

Dentist or child

To the dentist unabashedly

said the blonde Rosalind':

"I'm so scared of drilling.

I'd rather have a child!"

"In various areas",

said the doctor and laughed,

"to compare the sensation

pain, is appropriate.

The only important thing is that I get

her decision fairly soon,

because I use the treatment table

must act accordingly!"

Visit to Vienna

Today the blonde Gitti

from Wildon for the first time

in Vienna's city center

in front of the magnificent canal.

When she enjoyed the sight,

came a Carinthian bus

and then they asked the people:

"Tell me, what's the name of this river?"

She then said: "Announce

I can only tell you one thing:

If I were in Graz,

this river would be the Mur!"

New account

The blonde Gitte spoke the other day

in the Volksbank as cashier:

"Are you that good, open up, please,

quickly open a new account for me!"

"Ma'am, you don't need one",

he said endearingly,

"because I know you already have one!"

"This," she said, "is worth nothing.

I want to annoy my enviers,

when I buy a car.

And on the old account, unfortunately

there's not a euro left on it!"

Anniversary

Paula spoke to the blonde Grete:

"William Tell would be today,

if he were still alive now,

seven hundred years old!"

"Yes, the Tell," Grete praised,

"was a spectacle with pleasure.

Through the example I set

Even the apple shot back then!"

"Well, let's hope so then",

Paula immediately followed suit,

"that you hit the center.

Or was there trouble?"

"The result," said Grete,

that was unfortunately the case:

If my son were still alive,

he would be forty years old today!"

Tire inspection

Gerda drove her old

Fiat in the direction of the library,

when she was stopped

suddenly by the police.

"There's a tire check today",

said the first policeman.

"And that takes a full

Hour, as is customary!"

Finally, when they were finished,

spoke the second white mouse:

"We won't be able to drive on.

Your profile looks terrible!"

"Impudence! You deserve a beating!",

Gerda exclaimed confidently.

"Look at yourself in the mirror!

They're not exactly beautiful either!"

Volcanic eruption

"The volcano," said Jochen

his blonde wife Helén,

"has broken out again

down in Sicily!"

"Yes," she said, "I heard today,

It is said to be very dangerous,

and I hope, for the protection of the people

you catch him right away!"

World tour

His blonde girlfriend Ida

says the Oberbank cashier:

"This year I'm giving you another present

a trip around the world with me!"

"That would be the third trip around the world",

she grumbles, "since I've been with you.

Let's go this year please

Finally somewhere else!"

At the opera box office

At the opera box office

two people properly,

Toni from the Steirerlanden

and from Carinthia Emmerich.

Toni asked: "Is it overcrowded?

I want tickets for

Buy Tristan and Isolde.

Are there two more cards here?"

"Please wait a little longer."

Emmerich called from behind,

"I want two more cards first

for my grandchild and me!"

Stuck

Because the gap was too low,

remained a Carinthian truck

stuck under a bridge

on the way to the Green Lake.

When the column jammed,

the Carinthian got out and stood

in the blazing midday sun

helplessly at the side of the road.

A lady up close

approached the scene of the accident

and after the inventory

she offered her help:

"For all tires, leave

half of the air

and then you will understand,

you can easily get out again!"

The Carinthian called out wryly:

"If nothing can be improved.

Because I'm at the top,

but not stuck at the bottom!"

Oscar

Rehearsal casting took place today

at the famous film distributor.

Ruth with a great bust size.

was there for the first time.

"You're great, I confess",

the director spoke with a crush.

"The way I see the situation,

you'll get an Oscar soon!"

"Wonderful," said the blonde hen.

"That sounds really established.

Now tell me what I call it,

if it might be a girl!"

Fall from the roof

Renovating your chimneys

wanted a Carinthian many times over,

but swayed during handling,

slipped and fell off the roof.

When he was like a heap of rubble

lay on the floor covered in blood,

a stranger came running

and he shouted: "What's happened?

Are there fractures to lament

and injuries precarious?"

Then he said: "Can't say.

I just got here myself!"

Hits

Bernhard sat almost alone

on the streetcar to Stadlau.

Sitting opposite him was a

beautiful, blonde woman.

"Oh, sorry. I'm quite open",

he began to speak softly.

"Have we met before -

last winter or when?"

"Yes, I'm aware of that",

she said in a rush.

"In the sauna two years ago.

And the hit can already go!"

Manual

On the express train to Ostend

Marie spoke to the conductor:

"Man, there's no end to the draughts here

and I'm suffering like never before.

Even the frost in this case

is particularly annoying

and I ask, close all

Windows open automatically?"

"Manual!" he said firmly

and the conductor determines quickly.

"Good," said Marie with satisfaction,

"and when is Manuel coming?"

Blonde in court

In the district court of Leoben

has an old advocate

pushed his files away

and then he spoke to the Senate:

"Gentlemen of the jury!

Should this blonde maid

really put them in prison,

where thirst and hunger plague them?

After all, it's not a crime,

a heavenly person

acquitted here in case of doubt

of secret prostitution.

I'd like it if the woman went away

quickly back to their quarters

in Sankt Pölten, Waldweg seventy,

second floor, door four!"

Exchange

After the Christmas holidays

has the blonde Josefin'

carried their savings books

to Erste Bank in Vienna.

"If you listen to my wishes",

she said friendly to the cashier,

"help me to exchange

these two books here!"

"Swapping savings books is not possible!",

the official said.

"However, I give tolerably

gladly give you a loan!"

"No! The consumer tester",