Reconnecting E-Book

Joseph J. Luciani

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 395

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2009

Beschreibung

There's no doubt about it: every conflict in every relationship involves two people with two different perceptions, and every solution requires two partners to arrive at a single shared perception. You can't repair a damaged relationship by yourself, and you can't change your partner into someone else. Does that mean the situation is hopeless? Absolutely not! In Reconnecting, Dr. Joseph Luciani, the celebrated author of the renowned Self-Coaching series, introduces a proven, practical method you can follow to encourage your less-than-cooperative partner to join you in a meaningful healing process, even if you have to take the first steps on your own. Dr. Luciani begins by helping you evaluate your own level of insecurity and, using his Self-Talk technique, do something to improve it. He shows you how to use Self-Talk to become a catalyst for change in your relationship by eliminating your contribution to the problem. You'll identify your own personality patterns and use Self-Talk to let go of personal baggage, stop listening to what hurts you, and see the problem as a whole. Next, you'll learn how to apply Catalytic Self-Coaching to your relationship. You'll find out what it means to create a relationship vacuum, and you'll start working with Self + Self = Us Portraits. You'll also discover how to risk trusting each other and to begin coaching each other away from destructive habits and toward a more truthful and loving relationship. This eye-opening and life-changing guide offers constant support on your journey toward a more loving and rewarding relationship. You'll find plenty of prescriptive advice to help you make sense of your own personality patterns and cope with the anxiety and depression that often accompany difficult relationships. Dr. Luciani's success stories of patients who have changed their lives will help you realize that you're not alone and there is hope. Complete with a valuable discussion of the essential principles of successful relationships and how to put them into action every day, Reconnecting is the resource you need to break free of destructive habits and create a new, more secure relationship that brings you the companionship, commitment, trust, and true love you need.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

PART ONE - The Self-Coaching Phase Working without Your Partner

Chapter 1 - Can I Really Save My Relationship?

Pain: The Bright Side

Control: The Bottom Line

Eyes Wide Open: Seeing Both Sides

Why Is Change So Hard?

Why People Change

The Go, No-Go Threshold

Self-Coaching for Couples

The Catalytic Solution

What Exactly Constitutes a Reluctant Partner?

When the Direct Approach Fails

Karen and Sal

Demonstrating Change

Looking Ahead

Chapter 2 - Why Your Relationship Isn’t the Problem

O Solo Mio

Don’t Miss the Point

Insecurity: The Source

Anita and Larry: Two Peas Outside of the Pod

The 50-50 Proposition

Portraits

What You See Isn’t Always What You’ve Got

Change: Are You Ready to Take the Challenge?

Looking Ahead

Chapter 3 - Insecurity and Control

Emotional Baggage

Relationship Emotional Baggage

Rube Goldberg Psychology

Take a Lesson from Aunt Tessie

The Struggle Equation

Beware the Child-Reflex

No More Confusion

Chapter 4 - Self-Coaching

Self-Coaching’s Simple Answers to Complex Problems

How Do You Stack Up?

Risking

Self-Coaching Basics

Insecurity Self-Quiz

Insecurity and Control

Breaking Your Control Patterns

Ted and Celeste and the Saga of the Raspberry Kitchen

Moving On

Chapter 5 - Are You a Tiger, Turtle, Elephant, Raccoon, or Peacock?

Bicycle and Relationship Mechanics

Reflexive Patterns

Reflexive Relating

The Importance of Control

Roz and Frank: Twenty-Eight Years of Struggle

Chapter 6 - Assessing Your Reflexive Personality Patterns

The Truth Shall Set You Free

Self-Quizzes

Moving On

Chapter 7 - Sketching Your Self-Portrait

Your Reflexive Pattern Ratio

Getting Ready for Self-Talk

Chapter 8 - Self-Talk, Step 1

Origins

Coaching versus Therapy

Separating Facts from Fictions

Don’t Be Fooled

Wrapping Up

Chapter 9 - Self-Talk, Step 2

Prelude

Determination

A Few Words about Anxiety and Depression

Stop Listening

Chapter 10 - Self-Talk, Step 3

Spinning Your Wheels

The Subtlety of Insecurity

Letting Go

Reactive Living

Getting Back to Liz

The Last Word on Reactive Living

Chapter 11 - Sketching Your Relationship Portrait

Assessing Your Readiness

Reworking Your Self-Portrait

The Importance of Awareness: Learning to Catch and Stop

Starting the Catalytic Process: Becoming a Student

Combining Portraits

Bret and Carol

PART TWO - Catalytic Self-Coaching

Chapter 12 - Creating a Relationship Vacuum

The Language of Conflict

Tony and Eileen: Neutralizing the Conflict

Different or Similar, Conflict Is Conflict

When Elephants Collide

Catalytically Respecting

The Child-Reflex

When You’re the Problem

Chapter 14 - Coaching Each Other

Partner Time: Coach-Coach Mode

Doug and Tracy

The Essence of Mutual Coaching

Chapter 15 - Putting It All Together

Relationship Follow-Through

Fairness and Respect

The Fair-Minded Solution

Respect

Realistic Expectations

Communication Skills: They’re Not Rocket Science

The Do’s and Don’ts of Successful Follow-Through in Communication

Chapter 16 - Love, Infatuation, and Infidelity

Why Romeo and Juliet Had to Die

Infatuation

Two Reasons Why You Need to Understand Infatuation

When I Cheated It Felt Like the Real Me

The Midlife Crisis

Looking Ahead to True and Lasting Love

Chapter 17 - True Love, Great Sex

True Love

Acorns and Insecurity

Biology’s Two Gears

The Relationship Us

The Role of Sexuality in True Love

The Psychology of Sexual Resistance

Chapter 18 - The Ten Essential Principles of Successful Relating

Ten Ways to Ensure Success

Eric and Robin: Vive la Différence

Congratulations

Index

Other books by Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D.

Self-Coaching: The Powerful Program toBeat Anxiety and Depression

The Power of Self-Coaching: The Five Essential Stepsto Creating the Life You Want

Copyright © 2009 by Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. All rights reserved

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Luciani, Joseph J.

Reconnecting: a self-coaching solution to revive your love life/Joseph J. Luciani. p. cm.

Includes index.

eISBN : 978-0-470-52768-9

1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Couples—Psychology. 3. Self-talk. I. Title. HQ801.L829 2009

646.7’8—dc22

2008055870

To Karen:

When we first met on that frozen pond almost a half centuryago, we were just kids—two star-cross’d lovers. Today afterthirty-seven years of marriage and a lifetime of love, I feelthis book needs to be dedicated to you. And to us.

Acknowledgments

In writing this book, I’ve looked to my own past relationships for guidance and inspiration. I owe a debt of gratitude to the following wonderful people for shaping my perceptions and understanding of love, intimacy, and life’s true meaning.

I begin with my patients and all the wonderful people who have joined my Self-Coaching community at www.self-coaching.net. I want to thank you, not only for your ongoing support, but for being the catalyst behind this project.

I’d like to thank my agent, Jean Naggar, for her unwavering faith in me and my message. Jean was truly instrumental in encouraging me to undertake this project, my fourth book in my Self-Coaching series. Jean’s guidance and friendship over the years have proven to be invaluable in my literary development. I feel fortunate to have worked with her and her talented, supportive, and wonderful staff, Jennifer Weltz, Alice Tasman, Mollie Glick, Jessica Regel, and Marika Josephson.

Special appreciation and thanks go to my editors at John Wiley & Sons, Tom Miller and Christel Winkler. From the very beginning, Tom has given me the confidence to believe that I can be a successful author. I know I’m in good hands when working with Tom’s X-ray intuition and literary instincts and judgment. For Tom, taking a manuscript, tweaking it, and turning it into something truly inspired seems almost effortless.

Thank you, Tom, not only for being my mentor and friend, but for being such an essential part of my journey with John Wiley & Sons. And thank you for believing in this project.

Jane Rafal and I have worked together for many years. Jane was the first person to convince me that I could be a writer. Her unwavering support, encouragement, and friendship are major reasons why I go on authoring new books. Under her editorial tutelage, my writing skills have become more refined over the years, in spite of my initial misgivings. Her talents go far beyond merely offering sage editorial advice—she’s my coach, friend, and mentor in all things related to writing. Most importantly, Jane is simply a wonderful person. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

Special thanks go to Justine Banas for her critical read-through of this project along with her ongoing suggestions and insightful feedback. Justine’s editorial talents and intuitive psychological understanding were pivotal to this book’s evolution. Justine has been a valuable resource, friend, cheerleader, and confidante in helping me see the forest for the trees (and then some).

I’m humbled by the knowledge that my mother, who battled all odds this past year and decided to survive, will get to read this book. Thank you, Mom, for the lifetime of love you’ve given me. To my mother-in-law, “Grandma” Joan, thank you for letting me know that happiness is a choice. You’re an inspiration to us all. To my cousins Celeste Galdieri, Cathy Mangano, and Tom Carrino, I was never an only child with you guys around. Thank you for always believing in me and sharing my ambitions. To my wife’s Girls’ Night crew, Eileen Tepe, Ginny Torre, cousin Celeste, and Maryann Hardy, thank you for allowing me to share some laughs with you every Monday night. To my brother-in-law Ron York and his wife, Pricilla, I want to thank you for always being excited for me and for my writing. Special thanks to Ron for helping me recharge my batteries at our Giants Stadium tailgates. Alex Locatelli, my lifelong friend, lawyer, college roommate, and confidant—I’m blessed to have such a loyal friendship. Warmest thanks to Alan and Nan Gettis, best friends to my wife and me, for the love, laughs, closeness, and support we’ve shared through so many unforgettable years and times. Very special thanks to Deborah Mengrone for all her valuable support, encouragement, and unwavering belief in this project. To my Sanibel cousins Stan (Beaver) and Lisa Stasi, thank you for all the sunsets we’ve shared, the many laughs, and your gracious hospitality. To Anne Baretta for always looking to spread the Self-Coaching word, but mostly for her valued loyalty and friendship. To my yoga instructor and dear friend Perinkulam Ramanathan, who continues to allow me to reach deeper into my life experiences. Rama’s influence and loving heart permeate this entire project. Om Shanthi.

I would like to thank my cocreator of the M3 Lifestyle program (www.M3Lifestyle.com), Mohey Elsayed, for working with me to extend my psychology of empowerment to the fitness and health community. I would also like to thank Bill Herndon of One Source Media for including “Dr. Joe” as the on-site psychologist in the TV pilot Almost Famous. These experiences challenged me to develop a more evolved understanding of motivation, which I’ve been able to use as a source of inspiration for this book.

My son, Justin, who is now involved in his burgeoning entrepreneurial business, www.wdezine.com and www.healthycommons.com, continues to amaze me with his creativity and determination. Justin has a great heart and a great mind; I see him as a courageous voyager seeking life’s adventures and discoveries. My daughter, Lauren, is about to begin her career as a schoolteacher. Lauren’s outward beauty is only a metaphor for the inner beauty, optimism, and passion that lie within—she will captivate her students as much as she captivates me. Thank you, Lauren and Justin, for helping me understand how much love matters to me. You guys are my raison d’être.

Lastly, I turn to my wife, Karen. There’s a picture on my den wall of two teenagers holding hands, leaning up against an old Chevy parked in back of Fort Lee High School. Many years ago when that picture was taken, I knew somehow that our lives would inexorably be intertwined, then, now, and always. I’m blessed to have had a lifetime to recognize the depths of our relationship. Who I am today is indistinguishable from who we are today—thank you for giving me a reason to write this book.

PART ONE

The Self-Coaching Phase Working without Your Partner

1

Can I Really Save My Relationship?

Becoming a Catalyst

Catalyst:an agent that causes change or action

Suffering without hope is intolerable. Sometimes after hours, in the quiet of my office, I can still hear the anguished voices:

“Don’t you realize that your need to watch porn every time we make love makes me feel so cheap? I feel rejected when you watch other women. Don’t I turn you on anymore?”

“Stop pretending there’s no problem. You can’t even look at me anymore. It feels like we’re on different planets, different worlds apart ... What happened to us? Is it me? I just don’t understand.”

“You’ve become so nasty; you’re not the person I married. I honestly think you hate me. I can’t go on feeling this miserable.”

“How could you do this to me? How could you sleep with her? Obviously you have no respect for me or our relationship. Believe me, if I had a gun in my hand right now, I think I would use it on you! Or her!”

“I’m so confused. I just don’t know if I love you anymore. Maybe a separation would help. It’s not that I don’t care about you . . . I just need time. I can’t take the constant bickering . . . I just can’t take it. I’m sorry . . . so sorry. It’s not you, it’s me.”