The Power of Self-Coaching E-Book

Joseph J. Luciani

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 388

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

An easy program for freeing yourself from your mental and emotional traps-and leading the life you want and deserve "This empowering book will teach, inspire, and coach you to break the habits of insecurity that prevent you from realizing your spontaneous inner potential for genuine happiness." -John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus "There is nothing more empowering than accepting responsibility. Taking responsibility is not about assuming fault; it is about re-taking the helm and control of your journey in life. This book will help you navigate through the difficulties of personality and behavioral change to more emotional peace." -Dr. Laura Schlessinger, author of The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands Nobody is born insecure, angry, bored, or depressed. The fact is, happiness is our natural state and, as psychologist Dr. Joseph J. Luciani explains in this warm, witty, and empowering guide, chronic unhappiness is just a bad habit-a habit that can be broken. It's much easier than you think! Based on Dr. Luciani's twenty-five years of experience helping patients unlearn reflexive, destructive thinking, The Power of Self-Coaching arms you with all the tools you need to free yourself from your mental and emotional traps. As you work through the many self-quizzes, training and coaching exercises, and Power Drills, you'll see yourself anew and feel yourself growing lighter, more spontaneous, and ready to take charge of your life. A proven five-step program for reconnecting with the innate capacity for happiness, The Power of Self-Coaching gives you what you need to: * Identify learned patterns of thought and feelings that are making you unhappy * Use Dr. Luciani's celebrated Self-Talk techniques to develop new, healthy ways of thinking and feeling * Eliminate boredom, hopelessness, chronic fatigue, and emotional numbness from your life * Tap your full creative, intellectual, and emotional potential and live the rich, rewarding life you want and deserve

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Acknowledgements

Preface

Introduction

What Do You Think?

Is Therapy the Answer?

Yes, Change Is Possible

Say Good-bye to the Medical Model

“Yes, Dear”

Don’t Be Addicted to Rescue

The Dynamics of Change

Pick the Life You Want

PART I - The Promise of Self-Coaching

Chapter 1 - Self-Coaching: Get the Power

Stripes to Spots

Choosing Power

Self-Coaching Makes More Sense

Overcoming Any Problem

Taking the Challenge

After the Choice

Transform Your Life with Two Power Words

Chapter 2 - Choosing Happiness, Dropping Misguided Goals

Defining Happiness

Misguided Goals: Why You’re Unhappy

Misguided Life Goals

PART II - Your Problems: The Roots of Change

Chapter 3 - Why Are You Insecure?

Getting to Know Your Root Problem

Nature plus Nurture

How to Avoid Eternal Damnation

Positioning Yourself

Chapter 4 - Choose Not to Worry

Stop Feeding the Pigeons

Isn’t Worry a Normal Part of Life?

Concern vs. Worry

The Worry Scam

Worry: Friend or Foe?

What Serves Me, What Hurts Me

Reactive Rather Than Proactive

Getting Off the Island

Worriers Are Overthinkers and Self-Hypnotists

Relativity

Chapter 5 - Stop Controlling Life

Good Control, Bad Control

Holding Back Your Ocean

How to Be Miserable

Your Battle Persona

Control: Crazy as a Fox

Looking for That Spark

Standing Up to Control

Juggling

You Do the Math

Are You Up to the Challenge?

Chapter 6 - Reflexive Thinking

When Thinking Becomes Reflexive

When Insecurity Dictates

Knee-Jerk Living

Your Choice: Fact or Fiction

Healthy Thinking

Throwing the Switch

Chapter 7 - Stop Insulating and Avoiding

Unhealthy Insulation, Healthy Insulation

Shell Living

Happiness Is Looking for You

Emotionally Cold People

Anger Management

Chapter 8 - A Perfect Way to Be Miserable

Me, a Perfectionist?

Trying Less and Feeling More

The Illusion of Security

Stars: Those Who Have to Shine

The Real Difference between Success and Failure

It’s Not about Hitting Bull’s-Eyes

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Eating Disorders: The Quest for Perfect Control

Perfectionism: The “Unattaining State”

Chapter 9 - No More Lies

Saving Your Soul

White, Gray, and Black Lying: All Part of a Continuum

Chapter 10 - Trust Yourself

Running on Empty

Lack of Trust: It’s Unnatural

Truth vs. Fiction

PART III - The Five Steps of Self-Talk

Self-Talk in Five Steps

Chapter 11 - Step One: Chart Your Weaknesses

Solving the Puzzle

Charting Your Control Tendencies

Making It Visual

Plotting Your Reflexive Thinking

Personality Patterns

Sample Control Pattern Chart

Chapter 12 - Step Two: Separate Fact from Fiction

Jekyll or Hyde: Who’s Talking?

Look Who’s Talking: Your Psychological Voice

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Separating Fact from Fiction: Doing It

Sure Sounds like a Child

Chapter 13 - Step Three: Stop Listening to the Noise

A Self-Talk Philosophy

Using Your Imagination

Chapter 14 - Step Four: Let Go

Tubing: Your Stream of Consciousness

Less Is More

Wanted: Joe Luciani

Three Ways to Let Go

Chapter 15 - Step Five: Motivate Yourself

Follow-through

Motivation and Momentum: The Formula for Success

PART IV - Living with the Power of Self-Coaching

Chapter 16 - Use Your Power

Putting It All Together

Habit and Control: The Keys to Change

Struggling That Lasts Too Long

Tombstone Lessons

Serenity Now

Index

Copyright © 2004 by Joseph Luciani, Ph.D. All rights reserved

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey Published simultaneously in Canada

Design and composition by Navta Associates, Inc.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, [phone], fax [phone], or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, [phone], fax [phone].

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and the author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

For general information about our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at [phone], outside the United States at [phone] or fax [phone].

Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. For more information about Wiley products, visit our web site at www.wiley.com.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Luciani, Joseph J.

The power of self-coaching : the five essential steps to creating the life you want / Joseph Luciani.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 0-471-46360-4

1. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title.

BF637.S4L83 2004

158.1—dc22

2004005661

Acknowledgments

I’d like to thank my wife, Karen, my son, Justin, and my daughter, Lauren, for their continuous love, encouragement, and unselfish sacrifice these past few years. Without them my journey would be without meaning.

The healing power of Self-Coaching was never something I devised or fabricated. It was revealed to me through my patients, all of whom courageously allowed me to join them in their unique struggles. They have been my teachers. Together we’ve learned to recognize one of life’s essential truths: that we must take responsibility for life—not by compulsively trying to control it, but by separating fact from fiction and yielding to a deeper, more spontaneous life-force within.

Had it not been for my agent, Jean Naggar, and her exceptional staff, the dream of expanding the power and promise of Self-Coaching would never have been realized. From the start, Jean has been a source of inspiration and unflagging encouragement. Her extraordinary literary talent and intuition are the sole reason my program has been making its way around the world today.

My editor at Wiley, Tom Miller, who from the beginning was able to see the value of my work, has once again proven his artistry. I marvel at his remarkable ability to look at a manuscript and extract its deeper, underlying essence. His insights have made all the difference. I am eternally grateful to Tom for his loyalty, enthusiasm, vision, and friendship.

My literary journey began many years ago, and I’ve been blessed to have Jane Rafal accompanying me every step of the way. Jane has advised, coached, encouraged, and convinced me to believe in myself as an author. Her editorial contributions and support have contributed immensely to the growth of Self-Coaching as well as to my personal development as a writer.

Finally, I’d like to thank my friends and family members for their support and helpful suggestions: my lifelong friend and brother-in-law, Ron “Coach” York; my cousins, Celeste Galdierei (the family CEO) and Cathy Mangano; my nieces, Chrissy Lamm and Kathy Maki; my dear friend and mentor Perinkulam Ramanathan; my longtime confidant and buddy, Dr. Alan Gettis; my friend and lawyer, Alex Locatelli; and a special thanks to three wonderful ladies who taught me well, my mother, Mary, my Aunt Tessie, and my mother-in-law, Joan.

Preface

My father wasn’t a happy man. The stress of his constant anger is father wasn’t a happy man. The stress of his constant anger is probably what killed him at age fifty-two. As did his lack of exercise, lack of self-discipline, deplorable diet, and aversion to doctors. Toward the end of his life he was drawn to gambling—it represented a way out of his cul-de-sac existence. Hitting it big and winning the trifecta represented hope in what was otherwise a sea of hopelessness.

I look back at my father now and my heart aches. His life and early death were such wastes. If only I could have shared with him what I know now. If only I could have helped him recognize that there were choices. Like so many people, my father considered himself a victim of fate. It would never have occurred to him that his ineffective, frustrated life was nothing more than the result of cultivated habits of negativity. If only I could have told him about the power of Self-Coaching.

In more than twenty-five years of private practice I’ve come to realize that my father’s tormented life wasn’t that unusual. Many people wind up in therapy complaining of nagging, vague problems such as feeling overwhelmed, worrying about the future, or having general feelings of unhappiness, helplessness, or self-doubt. Some find their way into therapy because there’s nowhere else to turn; everything in their lives has begun to crumble. Most people, I suspect, never make it into therapy. They just live with their problems, not realizing they have a choice.

Do you have your own laundry list of unresolved problems? If these diffuse, rather low-grade complaints are allowed to fester, they can lead to more serious emotional problems. But why wait for depression to develop or for anxiety to slam you into a panic? Why not recognize that the friction you feel in your life is a clue that you’ve drifted away from your natural and spontaneous center, your capacity for genuine happiness. Self-Coaching can bring you back to where your life begins to make sense, where you begin to flow effortlessly with life rather than desperately trying to control it.

Learning to live more naturally and spontaneously may seem complicated, especially if you’re suffering. It’s not complicated at all. It isn’t your nature to be unhappy or to suffer, it’s simply your habit! And the truth is that habits are learned and habits can be broken. All habits. No matter how destructive, a habit can’t hurt you if you learn to stop feeding it. How do you feed a habit? Every time you worry, fret, fear, or doubt, you’re throwing your habit crumbs of your insecurity—feeding it. The Power of Self-Coaching will introduce you to a powerful tool called Self-Talk, which will starve the habits that hurt you and let you choose the life that serves you.

So get ready to take your life back from the grip of reflexive, habituated thinking. Once you do, you’ll understand my attitude toward more complex, traditional methods of healing. And if I sound a bit cocky, that’s okay. Because Self-Coaching isn’t about reflection or philosophical meditation, it’s about instilling a can-do fire that will enable you to have the life you want, the life you deserve.

In my previous book, Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression, Self-Coaching was presented with the specific goal of alleviating the symptoms of anxiety and depression. Over the years since I first introduced Self-Coaching, I’ve found that my method is applicable to a much wider range of problems than just anxiety and depression. You will find The Power of Self-Coaching to be an empowering guide that can eliminate emotional friction in your life and reconnect you with an innate capacity for genuine happiness—before more serious emotional problems develop. Long after you’ve eliminated insecurity and struggle from your life, Self-Coaching can continue to serve you as an ongoing source of strength and rejuvenation.

The power of Self-Coaching relies on the fact that you can learn to defeat whatever holds you back in life. Whether it is panic, depression, social anxiety, laziness, ineffectiveness, lack of success, or unhappiness, you must defeat whatever holds you back from the life you’re capable of having. And you can! By following the five essential steps outlined in this book, you will find the uncomplicated answer to all your self-generated problems. You will learn to move from control thinking to a more spontaneous, instinctual understanding of what you need to be happy.

Introduction

Choose to Change, Choose the Life You Want

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

—William Jennings Bryan

I find no better place to begin this book than by introducing you to Tracy, a single, forty-eight-year-old retail clerk who came to see me to ask one question—a question I’ve heard many times before. Perhaps it’s a question you’ve asked yourself:

All my life I’ve struggled. I’ve worked hard for thirty years and have nothing to show for it. No husband, no kids, no career, nothing. I live my life in this filthy, one-room apartment overlooking a parking lot and the roof of a Chinese restaurant. On a good day I drink too much wine, I watch too much TV, and I eat too much junk. On a bad day I don’t get out of bed. I worry about dying, I worry about living, but mostly I worry about being alone for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I can’t sleep, my mind races, thinking about opportunities I’ve missed and people I’ve hurt. I get headaches and stomachaches, I’m angry at everyone and find it impossible to trust. My doctor wants me to consider depression medication, but, to tell you the truth, I’m not sure I want to bother. So what if medication makes me feel better? I still live in this apartment, still don’t have a decent job or a family. Why bother?

My doctor also tells me my blood pressure is too high, I’m overweight, and unless I change my ways, I’m headed for a heart attack. Change my habits—what a joke. I am my habits! Sure, Doc, I’ll just go home and change! Doesn’t he get it? This is me, stuck, destructive, and destined to live out my days alone and miserable. And I’m so scared.

I came to therapy to ask you one question and I’d like an honest answer: Can someone like me really change?

How would you answer Tracy’s question? Many seem to think the personality is fixed at birth: “He’s been a control freak all his life. I don’t expect him to change.” Or, “Sure I’m anxious. My mother was anxious, and so was her mother. It runs in the family.” Some seem unsure: “Ever since my surgery I’ve gone downhill. I wasn’t always such a worrier. I just can’t seem to get back to feeling secure again.” And yet for others, it’s not a matter of personality, it’s a matter of fate: “Some people are blessed with good fortune. Me, I’ve had nothing but bad luck all my life.” The questions remain: Do people change? Can an unhappy life be exchanged for one of happiness and success?

What Do You Think?

I pondered these questions for years, from both intellectual and personal standpoints. Struggling with insecurity and anxiety as far back as I can remember, I wanted to know the truth. And yet, as much as I wanted to change, there was always a part of me that felt I was chasing rainbows. People don’t change, not really. Even when I gave myself the benefit of doubt, the question remained: If change is possible, can it be enough to make a significant difference in my life?

Is Therapy the Answer?

I find that most people who come for therapy usually arrive with a guarded ambivalence about whether it’s possible to change. For some, after years of struggle and frustration, therapy is often their last hope to learn life’s secret formula for happiness. And who is the keeper of this secret? The psychologist, of course.

There’s no doubt about it: a psychologist can inherit a lot of projected power. The psychologist becomes the healer, the teacher, the guru—and all before a single word is ever exchanged! Because of these projections, most people go through an initial infatuation period where just being in the psychologist’s presence sends them off feeling “the best I’ve felt in years” and touting the amazing benefits of therapy. Then, as the sessions progress, things begin to slow down. Symptoms, initially eclipsed by the euphoric belief that finally you’re getting the help you need, begin to return, along with the distressing realization that nothing has changed. Or worse, the fear that nothing will change! This can be a real letdown as the infatuated energy gets replaced by the mundane work of historical exploration, week after week after week. It’s during this postinfatuation period that many begin to feel disillusioned, recognizing there’s no abracadabra magic involved in change.

As therapy progresses, most people reluctantly give up hope for an epiphany or secret insight, one that’s supposed to set them free. Instead of waiting for that startling breakthrough or quick fix, they’re left with the tedious work of figuring out why they do what they do. And by this time they’re months into therapy and still acting like the same old wretch. What can they do? They’ve already invested all this time and money . . . maybe a few more sessions? A few more months?

What’s the verdict? When it comes to therapy, what’s the consensus? Is it just a palliative shoulder to lean on and nothing more, or is it a tool for legitimate personality change? The question needs to be asked: Does therapy work, does it hold the secret of change? The short answer is yes and no. But before making sense of this paradox, I first need to tell you what I learned from my own years of struggle and from my training analysis.

Yes, Change Is Possible

I took my personal analysis very seriously. After all, if I was going to dispense sage psychological advice, I couldn’t feign being healthy—I had to become healthy. This I did manage to accomplish. I’m not bragging, I’m just letting you know from the outset that yes, change is, in fact, possible. I actually became a different person, with different perceptions, different thoughts, and different behavior. “Different” may not be the correct word because I was still me, I didn’t wake up one day feeling I was someone else. But my experience of life certainly was different. I no longer felt congested and bottled up with my habits of overthinking and worry. I began to relax and enjoy a spontaneity that had always eluded me. I was actually living my life for the first time rather than thinking about living my life. And these experiences have made all the difference.

If you asked me what changed me, I couldn’t tell you. Not at first. But after many years of analysis and struggle, I somehow managed to change. I became a better person, no longer driven by insecurity and reflexive defense. The problem was that I couldn’t put my finger on what changed me. Being a psychologist and being curious, I had to find out. Was it my Jungian or Freudian analysis? My Gestalt or transactional group analysis? I couldn’t tell you because my change came after I had finished all these experiences, not during. Perhaps it was the cumulative effect of all of the years and all of the insights and effort. Whatever it was, I needed to know. And I needed to be able to explain it to others.

As it turned out, my hunch was correct: it wasn’t any one thing that turned my life around, but a combination of all my psychological efforts. Being a consummate opportunist, I took bits and pieces from each of my therapeutic experiences and, over time, combined these insights with all I had learned in more than twenty-five years of listening to people. And that brings us to Self-Coaching. I’ve been able to condense into five simple steps what took me a lifetime of struggle and curiosity to figure out—five essential steps to creating the life you want. Funny thing, the solution to the riddle of how we change isn’t that complex or difficult. But like any riddle, until you know the punch line, it can drive you crazy.

Say Good-bye to the Medical Model

What exactly is the mechanism that promotes change? Notice I didn’t say “promotes healing.” That’s because I think it’s time we moved away from the medical model that has dominated psychology for the past hundred years. What’s the medical model? Well, for starters, if you go to therapy, you’re considered a “patient.” If you suffer from anxiety, depression, or any other recognizable “symptom,” you have a mental “illness.” And to describe what’s tripping you up in life, you look to the “doctor” for a “diagnosis.” This is a physician-based medical mentality.

Okay, I’ll try to be fair. Psychology grew out of the psychiatric influence of the early masters—Freud, Jung, Adler—all of whom were physicians, influenced by the medical model of healing. It’s only natural that their ideas were influenced by their medical training. Unfortunately, this bias became rooted in the culture of therapy and to this day still winds up affecting how we think about psychological problems. In the classic 1948 film The Snake Pit, Olivia de Havilland portrayed a woman institutionalized in a crowded state hospital due to a breakdown following depression. The snake pit of the title is the hospital’s room of horrors, an open ward in which the hopeless cases are confined. This groundbreaking film, along with many others that followed, has contributed to our perception and fears of mental illness.

When I was nine years old, I overheard my father telling my mother that if he didn’t learn to relax, he was going to have a nervous breakdown. (When I grew up, in the fifties, “nervous breakdown” was a generic term used to describe anyone who had to be hospitalized for psychological reasons.) Nervous breakdown! I was petrified. What was this terrible thing that was wrong with my father? For a while I was afraid to ask, but my fear eventually forced me to approach him and ask for details. Unsuspecting that I had overheard his conversation, my father casually explained that if you ever had the misfortune of having a nervous breakdown, “men in white coats come to your house and take you away in a straitjacket.” If this wasn’t enough to set my thoughts spinning, he continued, “They put you in a padded room and give you medication and sometimes electric shock.” Electric shock! That was it—my head was swimming. Not noticing my apparent distress, my father concluded, “When you have a nervous breakdown, you lose your mind.”

That’s all I had to hear: You can lose your mind! I was distraught. I can’t say for certain, but I think it was that same afternoon that I went to the library and took out my first book on psychology, Freud’s The Ego and the Id. I couldn’t understand a single word of it, but just having it in my possession made me feel safer. I should point out that by the ripe old age of nine, I had already become a consummate worrier. I used to worry about everything: my parents dying, schoolwork, who liked me and who didn’t. So don’t think I was going to let this nervous breakdown thing die. After all, what if nervous breakdowns were inherited? That very afternoon I decided no nervous breakdown for me. I wasn’t about to lose my mind! No, sir, not if I could help it.

Such was my introduction to psychology.

As I see it, the term “nervous breakdown” has become almost extinct, only to be replaced by the more ambiguous term “mental illness.” What is your reflexive association to the word “illness”? When you’re ill, you need to see your doctor, right? Why is this? Because an illness is something that happens to you, you don’t necessarily cause it, you’re powerless to do anything about it, and therefore you can’t be responsible for curing yourself. This definition takes the concept of “healing” out of your hands and puts it in your doctor’s—where it should be with a physical illness.

As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter if you go to a neighborhood clinic or travel to Vienna for your therapy, healing . . . wait, let me stop myself here. From now on, rather than using the term “healing,” I will use the more appropriate term “change.” That said, regardless of whom you seek for treatment, no therapist in the world can change you. Change—all and any change—has to come from you. This is worth repeating: the capacity for creating the life you want resides within you. A therapist can facilitate that change, but so can you, with some insight and direction. That’s where Self-Coaching comes in. But first, a bit of background.

“Yes, Dear”

I had just gotten my doctorate and was involved in acquiring the necessary training analysis to apply to the Jungian Institute. My analysis had been going on for a few years (that’s right, years) when one day I was complaining about not having enough free time, not having enough money, and not having enough fun. Now, I don’t know if it was intentional or whether it was a calculated response or whether it was just his frustration, but my analyst interrupted me with the overly sarcastic comment “Yes, dear . . .” I didn’t hear a word he said after that. I was mortified, shocked, embarrassed. How dare he insult me like that? I left his office in a huff.

Those words hung in my consciousness and refused to let go, Yes, dear. In that moment, what was pointed out was the lunacy of my ongoing, forty-dollar-an-hour whining! “Yes, dear” was telling me—or that’s how I interpreted it—that not only wasn’t I being mature about my problems, but also I had gone over to the other side, I was acting like a child, and a wimpy one at that. Those words just kept echoing in my mind like a bell. The nerve! How dare he?

It wasn’t until after I had discontinued my therapy that the bigger truth was able to reach me: he was 100 percent right—I was acting exactly like a whining, whimpering child. I had unconsciously assigned the lofty designation of “parent/protector/keeper of life’s secret” to my analyst, and I was expecting him to take care of me and make it all better. My job was just to show up each week and free-associate (which for me was a euphemism for complaining) about the problems du jour. When he said those now-pivotal words, something in me shifted. It was—well, not at first, but in the weeks, months, and years that followed—an insight that allowed my life to turn on its axis. Those two seemingly magical words—“Yes, dear”—need to be explained so you can understand the core motivational starting point of Self-Coaching.

Don’t Be Addicted to Rescue

I don’t think I’m that different from most people who enter therapy. In each of my therapeutic experiences (I’ve had a few), I entered therapy expecting to find answers. And in each case I fully expected my therapist to have those answers. It never occurred to me that he didn’t. Or, for that matter, that I was at all responsible for this understanding. Week after week I would offer up my trials and tribulations, waiting for profound insights, one of which—I was sure—would change my life.

Week after week I left feeling mildly disappointed, unburdened—a bit lighter, but no different. In part, I wasn’t getting better because of my expectations. When you enter therapy you naturally begin to hand over responsibility for your problems to the therapist. You quickly get used to sharing what, until now, were totally your problems and burdens. And with this sharing, you feel a sense of relief. I see this all the time. Someone will report after a first session, “Doctor, I feel so much better. I haven’t felt this good in a long time.” This phenomenon reflects the infatuated experience I mentioned above, and it’s also part of the relief you experience from what I call “unburdening.”

Unburdening can be appropriate in times of stress or duress, but as a style of life it becomes regressive and childlike, especially when you begin to believe that I don’t have to deal with this now, I’ll just wait until I see my therapist. Once you become convinced that you don’t have to handle your struggle anymore, or worse, that you can’t handle it, and Dr. So-and-so can, then the die is cast. Why do you think people remain in therapy for years and years? It’s because they’ve become convinced they can’t possibly do any of this psychological problem-solving on their own. As self-trust dwindles, you become susceptible to addiction—an addiction to being rescued.

In this way, a therapist can easily become a crutch. When you sprain an ankle, a crutch is indispensable. But as the sprain heals, it becomes imperative that you discard the crutch and strengthen the leg. If you neglect to exercise and strengthen your ankle, what happens? The muscles atrophy and you lose function in your foot. At this point you declare, “I can’t walk without my crutch.” The same thing can happen in therapy. If, after a period of time, your ego begins to lean too heavily on the therapist, your ability to handle life atrophies. You become convinced that you can’t possibly function without your therapist’s advice.

This is why when I meet with someone who is anxious or overly controlling, one of the first things I tell him or her is that my approach is not traditional, that in the interest of developing maturity and personal responsibility, I don’t want them to call me between sessions with hysterical outbursts or questions. (I do, however, first establish a foundation of why and what we’re trying to accomplish and give full instructions for any emergency situation; that is, any situation in which there is doubt about maintaining personal safety or ensuring the safety of others.) At first, most will struggle with this limitation because it seems counterintuitive: therapists are supposed to rescue you! I once worked with a man who, shocked by my policy, asked: “You mean you want me to handle my own problems?” Yup, I did!

Jean, a twenty-eight-year-old secretary, came to me after a long history of anxiety-related problems. It was evident to me after our first session that Jean wasn’t going to be a happy camper. Jean had long ago abandoned any capacity for self-trust and had since been to a string of psychologists and psychiatrists, looking for someone to take on her burden. Her calls became so childlike, so self-defeating that I saved one of her voice messages to play back for her:

Dr. Luciani, I know you’re not going to call me back, but could you please reconsider. I really need to talk to you. I really do. Honest! Someone at work said I was obsessing about something and I don’t know if I made a fool out of myself. I’m driving myself crazy worrying and I need you to call me back as soon as possible. I don’t want to wait until our next session. Please call me right away. I know you’re there! Just this one time, I promise I won’t call again. Please, please, please call me. I don’t want to struggle like this. . . . I need you to call . . . right now!

Jean was giving in to a childish reflex that insisted that whatever she needed to handle life, she didn’t possess it. She was convinced that I possessed the magic words to stop her pain. And you know what? There was a grain of truth to her fantasy. Had I returned her call, she would have felt cared for, she would have felt that someone handled the situation and that her world wasn’t going to end. She would have hung up the receiver feeling fine. This had been a typical scenario for Jean with her former therapists until they got fed up with her constant barrage of phone calls. One therapist told her, “Don’t you know you’re bothering me? Can’t you just leave me alone for one weekend?”

Jean was addicted to being rescued. I, from the start, had a much bigger objective in mind. We had to break her reflexive habit of leaning on others and instead begin to establish self-reliance and trust. The only way this could begin was to get Jean to tolerate her fears and hysterics. After I gave her a foundational understanding of her need for control, I had to give her a few pep talks. I had to convince her that her habit of insecurity wanted her to believe she couldn’t handle the challenges of her life—but the truth was, she could. She needed to develop some muscle—ego muscle. The first step was to help her understand that it was imperative for her to struggle through her weeks without using me as a life preserver.

She hated it and me for a while, but slowly the calls diminished. Jean would often plod into our sessions huffing and puffing: “Yes, I got through this week. Yes, on my own, thank you!” But soon she began to realize the single most critical point I was trying to make. She recognized that since I wasn’t going to bail her out, she had to do something to feel better. The operative word here was that she had to do something. This was the beginning of the end of Jean’s suffering.

Shortly after this insight she informed me, “Since I knew you weren’t going to call me back, I decided to handle the situation on my own.” Although full of resentment, she did it. She actually did it! And believe me, I was very enthusiastic about pointing this out to her (along with a bit of a pep talk): “You’re really doing a great job. Don’t feel you need to understand everything right now—just getting through these panicky times and not quitting on yourself, that’s the first step. Fantastic! Great job!”

Jean and I are finishing up her treatment as I write. It has been a few months, and during this time I can report that not only do I never get any hysterical phone calls, but also Jean has learned that what she was looking for from me was something that truly existed within her. It was there all along. She just didn’t know it. She’s no longer psychologically frail; now she has real ego muscle.

What about you? Do you believe, or can you believe, that you can find everything you need by looking within? If you’re like so many others, you may have become conditioned to burying your head in the sand. If this is the case, you’re probably caught up in a life of compensation, seeking meaning and answers externally (money, power, status, or control), or you’ve become plagued with symptoms of emptiness, anxiety, or despair. Take a close look at your life. See it as a mirror would. And just as a mirror reflects the reality of your physical image, so your life experiences can reflect an accurate image of your personal evolution if you learn to interpret what you see.

Let’s start with quality of life. Are you generally happy? Content? Successful? Or do you feel unhappy, downtrodden, and defeated by life? Specifically, what are your symptoms? Do you get bored with things and people? Are you experiencing depression, tension, stress? These are all part of insecurity’s reflection. Self-Coaching is going to use this information to change your life. And don’t start whining about being confused or overwhelmed, because if you do, I have two words for you: “Yes, dear.”

The Dynamics of Change

As previously stated, all change begins with an acknowledgment that the power to transform your life comes from you. Self-Coaching is going to teach you that accepting this responsibility means challenging the shabby thinking that has compromised your life.

The misguided person who rejects personal responsibility is convinced that there is an easier way: if only I could hit the jackpot; if only she would say yes; if only I could get that promotion. “If only” is a statement of despair and an avoidance of responsibility. What you’re really saying is “If only such-and-such would happen, then I’d take responsibility.” It’s as bad as the “Yes, buts”: “Yes, I want to change, but it’s too hard.” What about you? Are you excusing yourself from taking responsibility? Are you talking yourself into a life of stagnation?

You can begin the process of change right now, by looking for limiting terms such as “if only” and “yes, but.” Begin to develop some psychological muscle by realizing the truth about what’s going on in your life rather than excusing yourself from it. Becoming more conscious of life’s responsibilities will serve as a springboard for the Self-Coaching that’s ahead.

Pick the Life You Want

It may seem incomprehensible that you can actually pick and choose the life you want. But Self-Coaching can convince you by:

• teaching you what to change

• training you how to change

• convincing you that you can do it

When I first started driving I knew nothing about my Volkswagen’s internal combustion engine. On those few occasions where something did go awry and I found myself stuck on the side of the road, I’d wind up popping the hood and randomly poking around, hoping that magically I’d touch something that would revive my recalcitrant Beetle.

After one particularly frustrating experience, I was determined to do something about my helplessness. I purchased a repair manual from the dealer and decided to make friends with my engine. It wasn’t long before I was changing spark plugs, setting valve clearances, and adjusting the timing. Not too shabby for a beginner. As time went on, my confidence and expertise grew. The ultimate test came while my wife and I were traveling cross country. We had just entered South Dakota’s Badlands National Park and pulled off the road to view the desolate beauty of the landscape. Getting back into the car and turning the key, I was greeted not with the familiar sounds of ignition but with a disconcerting silence! Had it been a few months earlier, I would have been left to my aimless poking, but now I knew I had legitimate options.

Getting a screwdriver from my tool kit, I confidently slid under the car, located the starter solenoid, and placed the blade of my screwdriver across its two protruding screws. With a crackle and a spark, the engine fired right up. The solenoid had gone bad and needed to be jump-started. Rather than spending a night in the Badlands, we were off for points east—me, with a smile that lasted for many miles.

When it comes to cars, trial-and-error, hit-or-miss mechanics is rarely successful. The same goes for psychological problems. If something breaks down in your life and you blindly begin poking around, chances are you’re not going to stumble on the answer. The first step in change is to lay a foundation of understanding and consciousness. You need to know what the problem is if you’re going to fix it. Instead of an auto-repair manual, you have a Self-Coaching one. In the chapters that follow you’re going to be introduced to the simple truth about psychological struggle. And trust me, it’s not as complex as an internal combustion engine. In fact, I’m going to boil it all down to two words: “control” and “habit.” You’ll see.

Getting back to my car metaphor, once you understand what the problem is—let’s say it’s a leak in the master cylinder—you don’t need to know why it began leaking (history), you only need to know how to fix it. The why isn’t important; the how is. The five steps of Self-Coaching will give you all the tools you need for any repair. Whether it’s an emergency or just routine maintenance, you’ll know how.

The final step in change is motivation. You need to be convinced you can do it. What to change and how to change are worthless without the energy that sustains these efforts. Remember Jean, earlier in this introduction? Her ego was so enfeebled, she had gotten used to demanding that her therapists take care of her every panic. As a result, the panics became more frequent instead of less. The plain and simple truth is that without the ability to believe in yourself and to translate that belief into ongoing effort and desire, you will go on struggling.

If self-doubt, distrust, and insecurity have managed to estrange you from life’s true source of happiness, Self-Coaching can teach you to reclaim it. It really can! Just ask yourself one question: “What’s stopping me?” Answer: “Nothing!” There’s nothing in your way. Never was!

The question remains: Why are some people prevented from experiencing success while others are seemingly blessed with it? Is life nothing more than a lottery ticket where you either have the right numbers or you don’t? This fatalistic notion didn’t sit well with me. It’s not fate that dictates success or failure, happiness or unhappiness, but what we do with our fate. As Shakespeare put it, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.”

If the fault is in ourselves, what can we do to steer our fate toward happiness and personal empowerment? This was the question that prompted me to expand my original technique of Self-Coaching, which I had been successfully using in therapy for years specifically to treat anxiety and depression. What you hold in your hands is a much broader, more evolved program capable of teaching you that change—all change—is not only possible, it’s not even that difficult. Not with a foundation of understanding, a systematic training program, and the power inherent in a Self-Coaching approach.

PART I

The Promise of Self-Coaching

1

Self-Coaching: Get the Power

Barbara, a fifty-two-year-old insurance salesperson, had been struggling with apathy for years in her marriage, in her lackluster career, and in her life. Like those of many people, Barbara’s problems weren’t serious or debilitating enough for her to seek therapy. After all, she had always managed to get by—one way or another. She was a woman who had long ago conceded to a life of self-deprecation, doubt, and hesitation. Why? No reason—well, at least no rational, here-and-now reason. It had simply become her habit. It was only because of her frustrated husband’s instigation that Barbara—with her typical ho-hum, detached attitude—agreed to talk with me. After a few months of Self-Coaching using the techniques outlined in my previous book, Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression, Barbara had an epiphany:

Funny how you come to accept a view of yourself—even if that view is distorted! For most of my adult life it’s as if I’ve been building a case against myself. Looking for reasons to say “I’m not okay!” Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned these past few months is that I have a choice. For years I’ve been choosing—without really thinking about it—to accept a decrepit view of myself! Can it really be true that now I can simply choose to “not choose” negativity? The truth—once you see it—seems so simple, so obvious, yet for most of my adult life it’s been eluding me. Then again, I haven’t been looking that hard.

I’m not exactly sure what triggered my complete turnaround, but it happened, and I’m feeling intoxicated! It’s as if everything became clear all at once. My life is changing before my eyes, almost as though all I’ve had to do is set the course and turn the switch. How can it be so easy? How could I have missed seeing it all these years?

Now that I’m finally beginning to see myself clearly, I need to ask: What’s my first step toward satisfaction? I need to determine what I want or need. I realize that what I want or need may not exactly be what Tom wants or needs, so we must continue to talk and somehow mesh our goals. I hope our compromise will give both of us a sense of satisfaction. The very act of trying to work it out is a positive move, but really only one step in the right direction. Tom is thrilled that I’m not the way I was, that I am trying. Thinking about how I was (thoughtless, impetuous, anxious, depressed) is sobering. For now I’ll be on my guard against careless actions, lazy patterns, thoughtless remarks and responses. But I must say, with my new attitude, nothing seems impossible any longer.

Stripes to Spots

You’ve heard it said that humans are creatures of habit. If you’re anything like Barbara, you’ve probably never given this notion much thought, especially if you’ve been trying to figure out why your life seems to be wasting away, forever stuck in second gear or, worse, in reverse. Whereas other people seem so much more successful and downright blessed, you keep plodding along wondering when—or if—your time will ever come. Perhaps you have a dead-end job or a seemingly unending string of bad luck, or one personal rejection after another. Many people I’ve worked with come to me suspecting an assortment of reasons for their unhappy lives, but rarely—if ever—do they suspect the culprit to be nothing more than bad habits. Convinced instead that fate has been conspiring against them, many feel victimized by life, looking to be rescued from their own powerlessness and despair.

In twenty-five years of private practice you learn many things about human nature. You’d probably be surprised if I told you that many people who come into therapy aren’t actually looking to change. It’s true. What they really want is to become better neurotics! The perfectionist, for example, wants to become more perfect without feeling that nagging, uncomfortable anxiety all the time. The worrywart simply wants a lifetime guarantee to eliminate all those nasty surprises. And the compulsive workaholic isn’t looking to slow down, just to get a good night’s sleep once in a while.