Relationships For Dummies E-Book

Kate M. Wachs

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 738

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Beschreibung

"Follow the advice of the top romance specialist, and you can't go wrong." --Woman's World "She's interviewed with Oprah and Phil Donahue, Time, the New York Times, USA Today, the Washington Post, Redbook and Cosmopolitan. Clearly Dr. Kate engages in no false advertising--she's a nationally acclaimed relationship expert." --Chicago Tribune Let's face it, making a relationship work takes patience, perseverance, energy, and an unflagging commitment to maintain a happy healthy relationship. And sometimes, it takes a little help from a wise and knowledgeable friend. Written by celebrated psychologist-matchmaker, Dr. Kate Wachs, Relationships For Dummies is a source of inspiration and ideas on how to find and keep a healthy relationship. Whether you've just started dating or have been together with that special someone for years, Dr. Kate can help you: * Tell the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship * Have a more loving, fun-filled relationship * Enjoy a more vibrant and satisfying sex life * Work through most relationship problems * Find the positive and the fun in every relationship stage Dr. Kate explodes common relationships and compatibility myths that cause people grief, and with the help of insightful quizzes, case studies, and real-life America Online letters Dr. Kate covers all the bases, including: * Finding that special someone and knowing if it's really Mr. or Ms. Right * Pacing and nurturing intimacy in the early stages of a relationship * When, where, how, and with whom to have sex when dating * Knowing when and if it's time to move in together * When and if to get married * Keeping psychological and emotional intimacy alive * Keeping physical and sexual intimacy alive From compatibility to communication, commitment to connecting in the bedroom, Relationships For Dummies is your total guide to having the relationships you want and deserve.

Leseprobe

Relationships For Dummies®

by Dr. Kate M. Wachs

Relationships For Dummies®

Published byWiley Publishing, Inc.111 River St.Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2002 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana

Published by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2001092913

ISBN: 0-7645-5384-4

Manufactured in the United States of America

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About the Author

Dr. Kate M. Wachs is a clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and sex therapist. She is Founder and Director of The Relationship Center™ in Chicago and The Relationship Center Online™, the only full-service introduction and counseling center of its kind. Dr. Kate is the only matchmaker-psychologist in the USA, and has been working in the business for about 20 years. For the past seven years, she has worked with America Online in several different capacities, including Psychologist and Relationship Expert for Love@AOL, one of the most popular areas of America Online, where she has received well over a half million letters to date. Dr. Kate’s AOL site (AOL Keyword: DrKate) and Web site (www.drkate.com)have amassed several million hits/visits over the years. The sites include a free newsletter, a form you can use to e-mail a question to Dr. Kate, an enormous amount of archived advice (browsable and searchable by topic), interactive questionnaires, popular polls, and much more.

A member of the American Psychological Association, Dr. Kate has twice been awarded the honor of “Fellow” for outstanding and unusual contributions to the science and profession of psychology, particularly in the areas of media psychology and independent practice. She has hosted her own Dr. Kate Radio Show — heard across the country on top-rated WGN, and written national columns with circulations over 1,500,000. She is a nationally recognized expert on relationships, dating, online dating, singles, marriage, and sex, and has contributed her expert opinion to Oprah,Donahue, The New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Chicago Sun-Times,L.A. Times,Washington Post,USA Today,Time, Newsweek, most of the top U.S. publications and quality TV shows, hundreds of radio programs, and many other national and international media.

Dr. Kate is also the author of Dr. Kate’s Love Secrets (Paper Chase Press, 2000, go to www.drkate.com), which has been translated into Spanish (Los Secretos del Amor, 2001, Amat Editorial, see drkate.com) and distributed to Spanish-speaking countries and Spanish-speaking areas of the U.S. She has also created a tape series on her books. Dr. Kate is a popular speaker and workshop presenter — helping people everywhere to create healthy, joyful relationships and live happy, fulfilling lives.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my family, my extended family, and my very dear friends: Thanks for giving me a solid home base from which I can venture out to help others. I couldn’t do it without you.

Author’s Acknowledgments

Many people have nurtured this book to fruition in a variety of ways. First, thanks to my clients and patients at The Relationship Center™ and The Relationship Center Online™, to the readers of my AOL Keyword: DrKate and www.drkate.com Web sites, and to my patients at Bay Medical Center, who have allowed me to learn through them and pass that knowledge on to you. I’ve enjoyed you all and hope I’ve given you something useful in return.

To my loyal and talented staff at The Relationship Center™, especially Claude, Joy, Walt, Mary, Pat, Patti, Lisa, Kristen, Jeff, and Ed — thanks for being patient and working hard so I could make time to write; your efforts and support are very much appreciated. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Thanks to my AOL coworkers, who have been an absolute joy to work with for the past seven years, especially my Big Bosses: Heather Perram, AOL Executive Director of Creative Programming, known to all as a very kind lady; and Bill Schreiner, currently VP of Product Management/AOL Box Office and former CEO of Love, a loyal friend and family man who puts the “C” in charisma. Thanks to both of you for making it personal — like a team and family, rather than a slice of big business. Special thanks to Andrew Howley, Makis McDonald, Matthew Meyers, Maria Monteverde-Jackson, Clarisse Perrette, and Heather Dove for making the AOL Keyword: DrKate site wonderful, and for encouraging me in the creation of this book. Thanks to Ron Casalotti, Sally Taylor, and Diane Caesar, for helping with the technical aspects of my site and the advice letters, and to Diane for cataloging the older letters. Thanks to LynnRenee Miller and Kelly Milne for skillfully handling numerous paperwork challenges. And special thanks to Miguel Monteverde — for having faith in me and trying so hard to find me a special niche at AOL, and for hooking me up with AOL Greenhouse and Love@AOL. I’ve enjoyed being part of these teams, and a finer group of coworkers could never be found. Special thanks to Steve Case and the upper management of AOL for allowing the advice and questionnaires I wrote for Love@AOL to be included in this book, and to singer/songwriter Marty Axelrod and the multi-talented Bill Schreiner for allowing me to include their “In Real Life” song lyrics.

Thanks to the Hungry Minds and John Wiley & Sons staff, especially VP/Executive Publisher Kathy Nebenhaus, for taking such a personal interest in this book and giving it even more than your usual 200% effort. We will do that case of wine in NYC very soon. Special thanks to Karen Young, Acquisitions Editor, for finding my first book on Michigan Avenue, loving it, and campaigning to get me involved with the For Dummies lifestyle group. Thanks to Tracy Boggier, Managing Editor, and Stacey Collins, Jennifer Ehrlich, Alissa Schwipps, Corey Dalton, and Mary Fales for your manuscript suggestions. Special thanks also to Walter Perschke in Chicago for reading the text and making suggestions. And thanks to Werner Reifling for finding me on AOL and publishing my first book, Dr. Kate’s Love Secrets (Paper Chase Press, 2000), and to Alexandre Amat, for publishing it in Spanish (Los Secretos del Amor, Amat Editorial, 2001) after finding me in that same bookstore on Michigan Avenue! Thanks for seeking me out and immersing me in the fascinating, challenging world of book publishing.

Many thanks to my solid home base of friends/colleagues, including the professors who encouraged me and went out of their way to make me feel special: Dr. Carl Sipprelle, Dr. Joe Rook, Dr. Bill Cammin, Dr. Rulon Gibson, Dr. John Stumpf, Dr. Ted Balsam, Dr. Frank Leavitt, Dr. Rosalind Cartright, Dr. Maristella Goebel, and all who raised me academically. I thank all my supportive colleagues/friends at the American Psychological Association, especially Dr. Fred Koenig, Dr. Lawrence Balter, Dr. Stuart Fischoff, Dr. Michael Broder, Dr. Michael Mantell, Dr. Frank Farley, Dr. Alan Entin, Dr. Val Farmer, Dr. Susan Kastl, and everyone in APA Division 46 — Media Psychology who taught me how to give psychology away through all forms of the media, including books — and enriched my life so much in the process.

Many thanks to the hard-working staff of the APA Public Affairs Department, especially Pam Willenz, Dave Partenheimer, Mara Greengrass, Doug Fizel, Rhea Farberman, and Lisa Bacote. Thanks for encouraging me, for all your press efforts over the years, and for our special camaraderie. Thanks also to astute thinkers Margaret Durante and Lisa Wyatt for your enthusiasm, encouragement, and valuable media advice and support, and to Margaret for your wonderful circle of friends! Thanks to all my friends in the print, radio, online, and TV media — for helping me see psychology through a different set of eyes and providing me with opportunities to give psychology away.

Before any psychologist can help others, she needs to feel grounded and balanced herself. I’d like to particularly thank my parents, Charles and RoseAnn Wachs, for showing me how to love, and for always working hard so I could have the best in life. Thanks for teaching me integrity and how to work my butt off for a good cause. Thanks to my terrific brother and sister, my wonderful nieces and nephews, and to all my extended family for being such a staunchly loyal, incredibly supportive, solid base, and — they made me add this! —for doing without me for holidays, birthdays, parties, picnics, reunions, and . . . , and . . . , so I could finish this book. Merci bien!

And finally, I’d like to thank my very old and dear friends, who know me so well, yet love me in spite of it: Dr. John Roraback, Donald Donner, Walter Perschke, Dr. Robert Beiter, Sigalit Zetouni, The Honorable Judge Sandra Otaka, Dr. Mythili Sundaresan, Rick Karr, Dr. Tiffany Field, Dr. Dick Booth, Jim Giambalvo, Pat and Jay Inendino, U.S. Representative Jim Barcia, and Dr. Tom Burk. I have been exceptionally blessed to have you in my life; thanks for always being there for me over the years. This book is yours, too.

Kate M. Wachs, PhD Chicago, December, 2001

Publisher’s Acknowledgments

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Contents

Title

Introduction

Why You Need This Book

Assumptions About You

How to Use This Book

How This Book Is Organized

Icons Used in This Book

Now, Remember . . .

Part I : Relationships 101

Chapter 1: Is It a Good Relationship . . . Or Not?

When It’s Good . . .

. . . And When It’s Not Good

And When You Just Can’t Help Yourself

Chapter 2: Taking a Ride on the Cycle of Love

Discovering the Seven Relationship Myths

Reviewing the Myths and Realities

Accepting the Greatest Reality of All

Recognizing That Relationships Have Stages, Too

Chapter 3: Is It a Match?

Debunking Six Compatibility Myths

Reviewing the Myths and Realities

Chapter 4: What Makes Someone Compatible?

The Must Haves

The Good to Haves

The Don’t Need to Haves

Special Compatibility Considerations

Determining Compatibility

So, How Picky Should You Be?

Take a Hint from Long-Term Marriages

Chapter 5: Finding That Special Someone

Determining Your Relationship Readiness

Bumping into People: The Casual Methods

Dating Around: The More Efficient Methods

Dating for Keeps: The Most Efficient Methods

Part II : Getting Closer

Chapter 6: Growing More Intimate

Squashing Two Intimacy Myths

Reviewing the Myths and Realities

You Can’t Hurry Love!

Nurturing Intimacy

Pacing Your Intimacy

Chapter 7: Sex Early in the Relationship

All Sexual Reasons Aren’t Alike!

WHEN to Have Sex

WITH WHOM to Have Sex

WHERE To Have Sex

HOW to Have Sex

Avoiding STDs and Unwanted Pregnancies

Being Honest with Yourself

Chapter 8: When (And Why) to Talk Exclusivity

The WHY of Exclusivity

The WHEN of Exclusivity

Avoiding the Serial Monogamy Trap

Being Realistic

Chapter 9: Is It Time to Cohabit?

When Living Together Is a Good Idea

When NOT to Live Together

If You’re Going to Live Together

Part III : Staying IN Love — Psychological and Emotional Intimacy

Chapter 10: Come On, Get Happy!

The Four Happiness Myths

Reviewing the Myths and Realities

The Five Secrets of Happiness: Make It Happen!

Chapter 11: Superglue #1: Good Communication — The Nuts

Exposing Three Communication Myths

Reviewing the Myths and Realities

Communication Qualities: The Nuts

Reviewing the Most Common Topics for Argument

Chapter 12: Good Communication: The Bolts

Communication Bolts: Behaviors

The Art of Compromise

Chapter 13: Good Communication: Putting It All Together

Resolving Issues Successfully

Part IV : Feeding the Flame — Physical and Sexual Intimacy

Chapter 14: Sexual Baloney

Squashing Six Sex Myths

Reviewing the Myths and Realities

Chapter 15: Superglue #2: GOOD SEX!

Defining What Healthy Sex Is And Isn’t

Enjoying the 3 S’s: Great Sex, Good Sex, and Maintenance Sex

WHEN to Have Sex

WHY to Have Sex

HOW MUCH Sex

WHERE to Have Sex

WITH WHOM to Have Sex

The HOWs of Sex

Shedding Light on Sexual Differences

Examining Sexual Problems

Chapter 16: Light That Fire!

Spppaaarrkkkinng!!! Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors

Remember the Three Most Important Times of the Day

Laughing All the Way to the Bedroom

When You Meet Resistance

Use Professional Help As Needed

Part V : Moving Forward Together

Chapter 17: Marriage: The Magic Wand?

Demystifying Six Marriage Myths

Reviewing the Myths and Realities

Controlling the Things You Can Control

Chapter 18: Move Forward to Marriage?

When You’re Ready

When NOT to Marry

Considering Special Marital Situations

The Shelf Life of Relationships

Chapter 19: Mmmmmmarriage: The M Word

What Is Marriage Phobia — And What Causes It?

Curing Marriage Phobia

Encouraging Your Mate’s Marriage Motivation

Chapter 20: Relationship Rx

Your Relationship Wellness Action Plan

Daily Wellness Rx

Add Healthy New Relationship Routines

Do Daily/Frequent Checkups

Sort Out the Problems

Fix the Problems You Can

Get Professional Help to Fix the Problems You Can’t

Decision Time: Stop Loss?

Take Action on Your Decision

Part VI : Moving Forward Separately

Chapter 21: Breaking Up with Less Pain

Breaking Up with Class

Receiving a Breakup with Class

Living through It and Recovering

Chapter 22: Starting Over

Starting Over

Avoiding the DRR — The Dreaded Rebound Relationship

Part VII : The Part of Tens

Chapter 23: Ten (+1) Tips to Successfully Pace a New Relationship

Don’t Jump into Bed on the First Date

Don’t Spend the Entire Weekend Together

Don’t Go On Vacation Together

Don’t Move In Together

Don’t Say, “I Love You,” Too Soon

Do Keep Your Sense of Self

Do Keep Your Own Life

Do Keep Dating Other People Casually

Do Keep Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors In Sync with Reality

Be Careful When You’re Needy

Take It with a Grain of Salt When Someone Else Is Needy

Chapter 24: Ten Ways to Rekindle Your Flame

Recreate the Early Days — What Worked Before

Act “As If”

Talk about Positive Thoughts and Feelings

Make New Love Traditions

Say “Where Ya Been?” to Your Sensuality

Move from Physical to Sensual to Sexual!

Remind Yourself Why You’re Together

Remind Your Partner Why, Too

Put Fun and Play Back in Your Relationship

Find Your Smile

: Appendix A

The Dr. Kate Compatibility Quiz

The Quiz

Your Score

Your Results

: Appendix B

The Dr. Kate Communication Quiz

The Quiz

Your Score

The Results

Introduction

Relationships make life fun. They don’t solve your problems, and they don’t even make you happy — only you can do that. But having a lifetime partner can certainly help you weather life’s storms and enjoy the best that life has to offer.

“No man is an island,” wrote John Donne, a very wise poet. You can deny your relationship needs for extended periods of time, but when it comes right down to it, it’s normal and healthy to want a supportive companion, a lifemate, a great sex partner, and someone to play with — all in the same person.

Yet finding and making a good relationship is not easy. Even when you know the basics about how to find a partner and how to make your relationship grow, doing the work takes energy, an upbeat attitude, and perseverance.

Relationships For Dummies is written to help you understand the basics, and to encourage you as you do the work to find and make a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It celebrates the humanness in all of us. Everyone can use a little help in understanding how to find and grow a relationship. And it’s for people like you that I wrote this book.

Why You Need This Book

This book will help you organize your thoughts about relationships. It will help you sort through the myriad of relationship myths permeating our society today, to discover exciting realities that you can use to make your love life more satisfying. It will reveal how to differentiate a healthy, compatible relationship from an unhealthy one. It will show you how to strengthen and nurture that healthy relationship once you find it, working through the inevitable problems you encounter along the way. It will encourage you to think in a healthy fashion and assist you in finding the positive and fun in any relationship stage you encounter — so that no matter what happens, you’ll stay fundamentally happy today and in all the days to come.

Assumptions About You

In this book, I make several assumptions about you, the reader.

You have an open mind and are eager to discover new and interesting ways to improve your love life.

You’re ready to act, move, and make things happen.

You’re not a dummy, but rather an intelligent, competent person who probably knows a lot of what’s in this book. For Dummies is the name of a brand of lifestyle books that many readers love. To help readers identify the series, certain styles are used in all For Dummies books, including the affectionate use of the word, “dummies.” Rest assured that no one, especially this author, thinks you or anyone else reading this book is really a “dummy.” After all, you bought this book, didn’t you?

You’re reading this book to discover a new, organized perspective on your relationships, and to gain especially useful tips that you can apply in a systematic way to your life.

You don’t want to be overwhelmed by a lot of theory or research data about relationships. Instead, you want me to tell you what I think about relationships, based on my education, training, and practical experience of working with singles and couples over the past 20 years. You want me to draw on my unique experience as a matchmaker-psychologist, therapist, and online/offline advice columnist and radio host, to give you the benefit of what I’ve learned from the hundreds of thousands of people who have confided in me. And you want me to organize all that information into practical tips that you can immediately use to improve your love life.

I assume you’re a heterosexual, and this book refers to heterosexual relationships. However, if you’re gay, lesbian, or bisexual, you can adapt and apply much of this same relationship information to your life as needed. Although some considerations are different in these groups, intimate relationships have much in common in all of them.

You are probably female, or a very enlightened male. Most relationship-oriented books are read by those two groups. For that reason, and to avoid cumbersome sentence structure, I have tended to use more pronouns referring to you as “she” and your mate as “he.” If you are one of those very enlightened males, I’m extremely happy to have you aboard! Congratulations on reading this book, and for exercising your power over your life and relationships.

How to Use This Book

Everyone has difficulty with different parts of the relationship process, and everyone has different kinds of relationship problems. But fortunately, many people tend to have the same pattern in relationships: Either they consistently pick the “wrong” people, or they consistently make the same kinds of mistakes that keep the relationship from developing.

As you read this book, think about your pattern: What do you do that helps or hurts your relationships? Look for sections that specifically address your difficulties. When you find one, highlight it, underline it, circle it, bend the page corner down, stick a flag on the page, attach a flare — or do anything it takes to help you find that section again later. Then review those sections often when you’re having a relationship, and use that information to make your current relationship better than the last one.

Throughout the text, I include advice letters from my AOL Keyword: DrKate site and www.drkate.com. In my work as Psychologist/Relationship Expert for AOL over the past seven years, I have received well over a half million online letters asking for relationship advice, and visits/hits from many more times that number. I include some of my favorite advice letters in this book to illustrate valuable points and expand on others. Reading these letters can help you remember important, practical tips. Although the situations described in the letters are probably not exactly like yours, you can often adapt the general ideas from my advice to your particular circumstance.

I also include two interactive quizzes from my AOL site. Take The Dr. Kate Compatibility Quiz and The Dr. Kate Communication Quiz (in Appendix A and Appendix B respectively), to add to your knowledge about yourself and your relationships. Also, be sure to use the Table of Contents at the front of the book and the Index at the back of the book to help you locate chapters that specifically address your relationship needs.

Please note that in order to make this book fun and easy to read, I use colloquialisms throughout, including a few words like, “good,” “bad,” “best,” “better,” “worst,” “right,” “wrong,” “should,” and “shouldn’t.” In keeping with ForDummies style, I also start many sentences with the word, “You.” While such terms make the book more casual and easier to read, I just want to remind you to avoid using those words when discussing problems with your mate, and also avoid using them in your thoughts if you tend to suffer from black-white thinking. See Chapters 11 through13 for more on why, as well as how to use more accurate, appropriate words to turn tense discussions into amicable agreements. Also, see Chapters 10 and 20 for how to use more precise words to change irrational thoughts to more rational ones — and feel happier in the process.

How This Book Is Organized

Like all For Dummies books, Relationships For Dummies is organized to make an enormous amount of practical information easily accessible. This book includes seven main parts and two appendixes. Here’s how I divvied them up:

Part I: Relationships 101

In Part I, I review the important elements of a healthy relationship. I challenge common relationship and compatibility myths that cause people enormous grief, and explain how reality is actually much more enjoyable than the nonsense. I outline the different stages of relationships, and show you how to use that information to your advantage — to either make a relationship thrive, or survive a stage you don’t like with the least amount of grief, so you can move on to a stage you prefer. I also discuss the “must haves” (the qualities you need to have in a good relationship), the “good to haves,” and the “don’t need to haves” — and how to find a compatible sweetie in the way that best suits you at this time.

I recommend that everyone read or skim Part I, so you can be grounded in your relationship efforts. To find and make a healthy relationship, you need an understanding of what that is and isn’t. It’s also critical that we be on the same page when discussing the rest of the material in the book.

Part II: Getting Closer

This part suggests ways to grow your relationship and make it more intimate. I examine some of the common myths about intimacy, and how you can use more rational ideas and expectations to make your love life more satisfying. I discuss how intimacy develops, and how to use that information to pace your relationship in a realistic, yet enjoyable way. I outline the pros and cons of having sex early in the relationship, and give you some guidelines for making the choice that seems best for you. I also suggest factors to consider when deciding if you want to be exclusive with your partner. I outline when living together can be helpful, and when it’s not, and top-o’-the-list topics to discuss before moving in.

Part III: Staying IN Love — Psychological and Emotional Intimacy

Now that you’ve found a good partner, how do you stay in love? In this part, I explore myths people hold about what makes them happy, and how those fictions lead to fractious relationships. I reveal the five secrets of happiness, and how you can use them to find joy and happiness in your relationship, your life, and your world. I explain why healthy communication and realistic, positive thinking are so important for staying in love and feeling psychologically and emotionally connected to your partner. I outline practical steps you can take to immediately improve your communication and thoughts, deepen the intimacy, and strengthen the ties that bind you and your honey.

Part IV: Feeding the Flame — Physical and Sexual Intimacy

In Part IV, I challenge some common myths about sex, and how you can use the realities to make your sex life more satisfying. I discuss the difference between great sex, good sex, and maintenance sex, and how to get the most out of all three. I discuss sexual differences that can be compromised, and those that aren’t healthy to concede. I explain why sexual intimacy is so important to staying in love and feeling connected to your partner physically and emotionally. I point out useful, relatively easy ways to keep your romance and spark alive, and specific steps you can take to rekindle the fire if your passion has already grown cold.

Part V: Moving Forward Together

Relationships never stay static. They either move forward or backward; they either grow or decay. In this part, I discuss when it’s best to move forward toward marriage — how to know when you’re ready and when you’re not. I discuss strange ideas people hold about marriage, and how you can use more rational ideas and expectations to make marriage work for you. I explain the timing of relationships, the shelf life of the average relationship, and special considerations. I describe marriage phobia, an irrational fear of marriage, and suggest ways to increase your partner’s motivation if he or she runs for cover each time “mmmmmmarriage” is mentioned.

I also show you how to keep your relationship healthy and enjoyable. And, because no relationship is ever perfect, I detail which problems can be solved, which ones can’t, and how to tell the difference. That way, you won’t have to waste your time trying to get the earth to move with a partnership that’s as stable as quicksand.

Part VI: Moving Forward Separately

Few relationships make it past the beginning stages. Interacting with someone long-term is challenging for everyone, but when it works, woooo - ey! The rewards are tremendous. When it doesn’t, there are better and worse ways of making the best of it and recovering from the pain.

In Part VI, I describe how to break up with someone in a kind, empathic way that shows respect for your partner’s feelings. I also outline how to handle it when someone breaks up with you, and reveal specific steps you can take to get closure, cope with the pain, and live through it with the least amount of suffering. I describe the stages of healing, and how to know when you’re ready to move on. I tell you how to glean the “right” lesson from your experience, and how to apply that knowledge to make your future relationships more productive and enjoyable. And finally, when you’re ready, I suggest ways to rejoin respectable society again — how to look at the surf (get out of the house with your support group), stick your toe in the water (meet strangers), wade in (meet singles casually), and slowly, but surely start swimming (date more efficiently). I also tell you how to avoid the DRR — The Dreaded Rebound Relationship — and find a more compatible honey this time around.

Part VII: The Part of Tens

This part contains important things to remember to help make your relationship happy: ten (+1) ways to pace your new relationship to get it off the ground, and ten great ways to light your relationship fire and stay a desirable, fun partner forever. I’ve organized these ideas into lists to help you recall them more easily when you need them!

Appendixes

In the appendixes at the back of the book, I include a compatibility quiz to help you explore who may or may not be compatible with you, and a communication quiz to help you understand how you and your partner communicate. If you’re currently attached, take these quizzes, score yourself, and use that information to make your relationship better! If you’re presently in between “attachments,” take the quiz for your past partners, compare the results, and look for patterns. If you find one or several, how can you change your modus operandi to help your next relationship last longer and better? Then continue to take the quizzes for each potential sweetie you meet, and use the info you gain. Remember, if you only make each mistake once, you’ll be way ahead of everyone else — and you’ll greatly improve your odds of eventually finding and keeping a great relationship. You’ll also enjoy your life a whole lot more along the way!

Icons Used in This Book

I’ve used icons in the margins to help organize the material and point you toward the information you want.

As Psychologist/Relationship Expert for Love@AOL (AOL Keyword: DrKate or www.drkate.com), an online site, I have received well over a half million letters asking for relationship advice. You betcha, that’s a lot of letters! To illustrate valuable points and expand on others, I’ve included several of the letters — identities kept secret, of course! This icon appears beside those advice letters. I strongly encourage you to read the letters — to help you remember important points and practical tips, to let you know that you’re not alone in your problems, and to demonstrate how clear, organized thinking can often lead to successful resolution of The Love Duds, aka your love blues.

These are the most important ideas to remember forever and always. When you see this icon, think, “Dr. Kate wants me to wake up and pay special attention to this!” These sections feature pearls of wisdom I’ve gleaned as a result of my unique matchmaker-psychologist and advice maven roles.

This icon marks items that are specifically geared toward women. However, a smart man will be sure to read these parts, too.

Similarly, this icon marks items specifically geared toward men. But a bright woman will make a beeline to devour these sections as well!

This icon highlights practical, helpful information that you should file in your brain.

Paragraphs marked with this icon offer short and simple time-, energy-,or frustration-saving ideas. Sometimes this icon will clue you to other sections in the book that contain more information on the current topic.

In various chapters, I discuss myths about relationships, compatibility, intimacy, happiness, communication, sex, and marriage, and how believing in those myths causes enormous grief in relationships. The Myth Buster icon appears when I present the saving reality — the important info that pulverizes the myth and presents exciting news that you can use to make your love life more satisfying.

Now, Remember . . .

This book represents my opinion about relationships; it’s not set in stone. There can always be exceptions to what I’ve written. If something doesn’t apply to you or doesn’t seem healthy for you, then don’t use it.

Keep in mind that you’re reading this book to understand relationships better — so you can either find a good partnership or improve the one you have. You’re not striving to be perfect, to find a perfect partner or relationship, or to have a perfect life. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect, and no partner, relationship, or life is ever perfect. Nevertheless, life is a truly wonderful experience, and to me, people are the best things in it. I hope you find this book stimulating and chockfull of helpful ideas you can use to aid you on your journey through life. I care about you, and I wish you love, joy, fun!, and happiness always.

Part I

Relationships 101

In this part . . .

You’re probably reading this book because you want to find, make, and keep a good relationship. But before you can do that, it’s essential to organize your thoughts about relationships. You need to understand what a good relationship is and isn’t — and when someone is and isn’t compatible.

So, in this part, I discuss the most important points to remember about romantic relationships. I separate the myths from the realities, showing you why the realities are healthier and more enjoyable than the myths. I explain that relationships actually have stages, and describe how you can use that information to your advantage. I point out qualities you absolutely need to have in a compatible mate, those you can do without, and just how picky you should be. Finally, I review how to find people who fit those qualities — which methods to use, when, and why.

Chapter 1

Is It a Good Relationship . . . Or Not?

In This Chapter

Celebrating a good relationship

Identifying a bad relationship

Recognizing the difference

Sidestepping the “unhealthy hook pattern”

Are you happy with your relationship? Or do you get involved with people time and again, only to figure out later that you’ve once again made a lousy choice? Maybe you don’t even have a relationship right now because of those bad choices — or because it just seems too hard to keep trying. Well, if you’ve had trouble telling the royalty from the toads, you aren’t alone. Separating the substance from the flash can be difficult. And when you can’t do it, the ensuing mess can be very discouraging.

But don’t sweat it. Help is here! In this chapter, I describe how to tell a good relationship from a bad one. I explain why people are often attracted to mates who aren’t good for them, and how to recognize when you’re in that trap — before you spend years making the same mistakes over and over again. If you use this info when choosing a partner, you can maximize your chance of relationship success. And best of all, you’ll never have to tango with a toad again.