Satisfaction E-Book

Ma Deva Pyari

• Herausgeber: Osho Mani Productions
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 588

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Beschreibung

Have you ever experienced an orgasm? Billions of people around the earth have no idea of what an orgasm is! "And remember, ejaculation is not an orgasm. Ejaculation is a release of energy which is simply burdening the body, but which could be used instead for the explosion, which actually an orgasm could bring to us", says Ma Deva Pyari. She wants to encourage people - with this book - to explore "their sexuality", but with awareness and a curious spirt, in order to discover whats lays hidden in the conscious pleasure, which the body is made to offer and which, ultimatly awakens the Buddha in us.

Leseprobe

S A T I S F A C T I O N

Ma Deva Pyari

(the divine beloved)

This book has been written in:

Hamburg

Vaals - Holland

Glückstadt

Bochum

Trittau

Holm Seppensen

Ingelheim

Hechtsforthschleuse

Unterirding

Wernhardsgrub - Austria

Osho Stadt in der Zschachenmühle

Berlin

over the Mediterranean Sea

in Ibiza

Münster

and Ahaus

from 1990 till the end of 1996

All thankfullness to:

Sw.Anand Avinash

Ma Prem Adhara

Sw.Prem Atman

Ma Anand Sangeet

Ma Antar Savera

Kofi

Liliana Heitman

Silvia Lott

Bernhard and Markus

Paul and Mary

Betsy Miller

Vera

Patrick

René

the trees and the birds at Raakmoor, at the Wohlers Allee graveyard in Hamburg and at the Tostedter Weg in Holm Seppensen

and most of all to Osho

Osho

Summary

Introduction

1 Sex is not necessarily related to love

2 Nourishing Love

3 Marriage and Prostitution: how to get rid of them

4 Do men and women live in the same world?

5 Women love variation

6 Loving more than one person

7 An Alternative to the family

Pyari at the age of 6 month

Introduction

This book is dedicated to women and to men who love women. It’s a present to the millions of people who have never been blessed with an orgasm, never having screamed in pleasure while experiencing the explosion of light that happens when the body is saturated with an ecstasy that is thousands of times more powerful than an atomic bomb.

And remember: ejaculation is not an orgasm, ejaculation is a loss of energy.

Orgasm Is A Transformation, A Quantum Leap, A Present From The Divine. It Takes You To A New Dimension While It’s Happening And Leaves You In Another State Of Being For Some Time, A Time That Can Prolong Itself For Days Or Months If It Is A Truly Powerful One! The “Kama Sutra”, an ancient Indian book about sex, says that an intense meeting of love can keep you satisfied even for a whole year!

Having been raised in a tropical country where sex is a topic on everyone’s lips, even if, like “my” mother, one doesn’t get much of it, it was a shock to see how repressed Germans were. I came to realize how lucky I am in “having” the kind of father I “have”. As a child, I didn’t know how valuable he was for “my” growth and health. I wanted a normal father who wouldn’t look at any other woman than “my” mother and for whom sex would be something used only for reproduction. I was sad to “have” such an attractive man as a father, whom I’ve sometimes caught flirting with some girl or other, regardless of age or class (classes are divided in Brazil according to the kind of job you “have”, how much money you earn and thus where you can afford to pay a rent and live).

Nowadays I feel very grateful to him. I can often detect the complaint trips and some more garbage I’ve inherited from the parents, but the free current of a powerful passion has been kept alive by the example of that exotic man that I call Dad.

To him I dedicate this book as well.

And to the hundreds of people who have come to me in search of freedom, satisfaction and of a better understanding of the body.

But most of all I’m writing for those who all over the world are kept prisoners and often just out of ignorance! It will be great if millions of women who remain considered to be only factories of kids get access to these writings or to me and become free individuals!

But even in Germany where many have been fighting for rights and freedom, people go on pursuing well-decorated chains like marriage and relationships! It doesn’t matter with which colour you wanna paint it or how you wanna name it - they still remain a prison! Maybe it’s only a question of disinformation, a lack of inspiration and for new patterns of behaviour one “needs” some hints, some kicks... So here is a contribution, a personal report by someone who is constantly engaged in a quest for satisfaction and realization, with some suggestions that can function as a new stimulation or a support in this process.

Changing economic systems, changing the unbalanced social relationships between men and women or changing the planet is nothing compared to the challenge of changing oneself, of reaffirming one’s right to be happy and satisfied. This I’m proposing to you, you who are reading me right now. And this book is not the result of any missionary trip; it’s the sheer joy of sharing experiences and it also comes out of an awareness that whenever someone is happy, this happiness affects the collective consciousness around the world: so, if you enjoy, it will be also easier for me to do it!

In more than 25 years’ working with people I’ve realized that 99% of problems are rooted in sex. Freud had long before already found it out, but through a therapeutic approach. I’m proposing another kind of overview, which is: go for what you want and don’t think that anything is wrong with it! I know it’s not so easy, but if you at least decide that you want to do it and that this is alright, half the journey is already travelled. The other half is a whole life process, but it’s worth going through it because satisfaction isn’t something to be missed, right?

Women have suffered a lot. Down the ages they have been seen as the source of sin: Eve is said to have mischievously given Adam the apple of pleasure; according to Hinduism they have to reincarnate in a man’s body to be able to go to paradise after death; during the Middle Age we have been burned as witches and Mohammedan women get the clitorises excised so that they don’t get excited and tempted for sex, therefore remaining virgins for marriage where they should function then as good reproductive machines! And this barbarious act is happening to a lot of women around the world at this very moment which for many even causes death, as it’s often done without any hygienic care!!!

I’ve just laughed upon the idea that has arisen in me: to start a religion that would preach excising penis!! But it’s just a joke, guys! I love a beautiful erected masculine organ! What I mean is that the clitoris should also be left in peace ‘cause that’s the most powerful source of pleasure on earth!!! It’s a blessing for women and also for men who, when intelligent, can share with us the immense bliss that comes out of this small member hidden between the legs and which very few understand in its beautiful complexity!

And this fucking taboo of virginity which has also caused me so much pain when I was an adolescent, should definitely be banned from the earth so that young women around the world are set free to enjoy as much as “their” fiery bodies desire!

Fortunately in Germany there are men who want to understand women and therefore are able to satisfy them and be satisfied, because the process of satisfaction is a sharing one and the man can never achieve it if the woman has not reached an orgasm! They share a joint responsibility for gaining it!

One more thing to be realized: a satisfied woman can change the whole of life around her, as in a miracle! A good time in bed and the kids will get sweeter kisses, the food will taste deliciously different and life will take on many more colours.

So, this book is an attempt to share life as I experience it. Maybe men will come to understand that to satisfy a woman is in itself a source of satisfaction! What a statement for such a men’s world!

Many times when I approach the point of orgasm, or rather, when the body feels that now the explosion it’s coming, I connect with women’s consciousness around the world. It’s not that the mind tells me to do so. It simply happens like that! So I understand that there must be a connection, somewhere, somehow... When pleasure happens to you, you are no longer an island, you just get connected!!! Hence I feel that as more people get happy, more happiness will happen and not only in small private lives but around the planet, pushing a little higher the collective consciousness.

Yes, every time there is an orgasm for “my” body and, every time there is an orgasm for “my” body and being, there is a connection to every woman getting it, to every human being moving into it and to every star being born out of pleasure!

And if orgasm is more powerful than an atomic bomb, it can also be used to disintegrate conditionings and to push people beyond the mind, transforming us into a new man and a new woman, with a totally new consciousness! I wish you a lot of fun in reading this book. It includes some playful techniques for unblocking the body and making the way a bit less cloudy. It’s not so easy to be a woman in this world nor to go for satisfaction, but this is something one is or should be ready to pay any price for, right?

1

Sex is not necessarily related to love

This doesn't mean that prostitution is then something valid, because once you sell the body, you lose the connection with the source of energy - this energy that is produced through pleasure doesn't arise once sex is sold. Well, unless one enjoys it so much that selling the body becomes an excuse to do it all the time. But usually this is not the case. People go on selling the body because it seems an easy way to make money quickly. In fact it is not so easy: you are wasting the most pleasant thing the body can give to you and then the simplest route for happiness is spoilt for money! Actually this is a very hard job because you end up losing a natural capacity to enjoy: once pleasure has been sold it's very hard to get it back!

Also when you buy someone's body you don't get that tremendous pleasure that arises only when you feel desired by the other. So with this statement that sex and love must not be related, must not necessarily be connected, I don't mean that what is done in the name of sex in all different styles of prostitution is the solution that will give mankind the birthright of satisfaction.

In fact prostitution is taking men and women further away from the natural capaciity of pleasure as well as the other institutionalized mode of prostitution: marriage.

So what I mean by saying that sex and love may come in different compartments is that the bodies don't think of love when they desire another body. The hormones, "their" composition and "their" sometimes very strange taste determine what we call love. Many times these attractions don't fit the ideas about whom we should feel attracted to. Ideas are prejudices conditioned by the families, the societies, the churches, the schools... But the hormones don't know what has been stored in the private biocomputers (the brains), programmed by so many others around us, those who have brought us up. Of course we don't even remember who has pressed the buttons writing these programs inside of us and neither when nor why. But the prejudices are there, ruling "our" lives, repressing the impulses, blocking the capacity and the right to be happy.

So someone's smell or someone's nose or way of walking or any trivial thing like that may trigger something inside, something that makes us happy when we see this person, something that makes us almost fall downstairs to answer the phone, something that makes the heart bump fast when the person is really on the line... And we call this love. Sometimes conditioning doesn't even allow these feelings. Who knows why? Many reasons, many explanations from the mind: the other person is married, you are married, she "has" a boyfriend, you "have" a boyfriend or a girl friend, the other person is black, or white, you are too old, the other is immature, or poor, or too free and so on and so forth.

Sometimes we manage to go through all these barriers and surrender to this thing we call love. But once the person has been a few times with us in bed the feeling turns sour and "love" starts to disappear. No more heart bumping fast, no more falling downstairs: now duties, responsibilities and constant discussions take place between the two. A relationship has taken shape. And what we once called love is dead. Why?! Because everything is understood in a false way, through the programs of the mind.

First what was called love was only the hormones working in the body, trying to preserve the species, which is a natural phenomenon.

Second, the fear of being alone makes us stick to one person once we know some pleasure is possible with him or her. But after a few pleasant days or nights most people are utterly bored with each other, yet stupid enough to stay together just for security. And the most negative thing about satisfaction, love and fun has just begun: the relationship.

A relationship is the death of any energetic thing that can happen between two people.

Why?!

Because energy comes from the mystery, the unknown, from the doubt of "shall I see him or her again?" This energy gives pleasure. It's not sex that brings satisfaction, it's good sex, and good sex happens when both partners don't know much about each other and so exploration is possible. During this exploration, mind stops. When the mind stops, when there is no thought, the body can feel pleasure at its peak and then satisfaction, ecstasy.

This also doesn't mean that two people can't enjoy pleasure if they live together for a long time. They can, but it's difficult, perhaps the most difficult thing concerning love and pleasure. But I've found out a few headlines about it. Here it goes:

*never say you "have" a relationship with someone and never build one. You can live together, work together but don't create this abstract thing between the two of you. It will be great to hop over it in order to enjoy the mystery that makes sex complete and satisfying.

*Never want to know much about each other. That kills attraction. Save the energy for exploration and for knowing yourself which is enough to take one's energy for a whole lifetime. Don't waste it trying to know people: you won't succeed and fun will be spoiled. You don't even know yourself, how can you know the other?!!!

When I came to Europe in 1982 I was thinking that people was already much more free here and sex could therefore be seen and lived through much wider dimensions. This was based on what I beautifully experienced with a 20-year-old guy when I went to London for a month's holiday back in May l970. The following year I returned, dividing the month into weeks in Amsterdam, Bellinzona and back to Amsterdam. On this second time there was this young, beautiful German and the brother exactly as pretty as him, both open to share love with me and both trying to sort out "my" confusions which were many at that time.

I met Sebastian at a macrobiotic restaurant. I have always kept the eyes open, outside and inside. So when that handsome guy entered the place and sat at a table directly in front of me, I went on writing letters but started enjoying each of the movements he would do especially the habit of rolling the end of those gorgeous locks. He still does it! We disastrously met in Berlin in July 93, but him rolling the locks gave me again the same lovely feeling.

When he got up to leave the restaurant, I went after him. There were some stairs going up from the courtyard and when he was on the last step and me on the first, I asked:

- Will you get ashamed if I say that you are very beautiful?

He looked back, surprised and pleased, answering:

- No, I don't. I like it. Where are you going? - Nowhere. Where are you going?

- Also nowhere. Let's go nowhere together. We walked a bit and I told him I was staying at a house where I had been taken by a guitar player I had met at a party a few days earlier. We'd spent the night together and I just stayed there with him. It was the house where two Brazilian stars - Gilberto Gil and Caetano Veloso - were living with "their" women after having been expelled from Brazil during the heavy dictatorship. There was always a lot going on there: music, acid trips, lots of people coming and going. I was happy to share intimacy with "my" favourite Brazilian musicians. In fact I knew Gilberto Gil already from the music scene in Rio. We had been at the same sessions but he didn't remember me. It was at this time in London that we really met each other. They used to call me "the weekend witch" because I was already much into tarot, astrology, palmistry and tantra but working as an airline stewardess. That's how I could get a free ticket for a month holiday in Europe.

Rosa was the girlfriend of the guitarist who had taken me there and in spite of feeling much for her also due to the fact that she actually never tried to disturb us, although it was obvious that she still wanted to be with him, I could never approach her. I wanted to say that I'd appreciated the dignity she was showing in not cultivating jealousy trips with me and that sort of thing but she seemed to be suffering from the situation and I decided to leave her alone. I've never said a word to her! Maybe it has been a mistake but everything was so fast! She was mostly alone, not taking part in the parties, sessions or gatherings that were usually going on there. Caetano was often with a glass of whisky in the hands and used to say that he was afraid of drugs. Gil was more open, always smiling, showing everyone the latest discoveries in music and wanting to experience anything that could help him growing in every possible way. We had taken a trip together in Hyde Park just a few days before and it was him who had told me about that macrobiotic restaurant. He also used to like that kind of food. I think he still does, as far as I've read on a latest interview with him.

I told Sebastian this whole thing and he said:

- We'll go there to pick up "your" stuff and you move to "my" place.

I looked at him. Passion....

"Why not?

And there we went. He got a cab for us. It was the first time I was in a taxi in London, being on a lowbudget holiday trip. It was funny to see the glass wall separating us from the driver. So much privacy! And such a nice car! I remembered the fucked-up taxis in Brazil and felt like in a dream: Cinderella sitting with the prince!

Everyone was shocked when I came to pick up "my" things. What a fast girl! I had moved in just a few days before and already another lover?! What to do?! The guitar player was not turning me on any more!

But nobody said a word: just a strange energy around... I quickly packed the suitcase and went back to the taxi. Gil kept a smile on the face maybe also learning something from this courage to live the way one feels like.

When Sebastian and I kissed in bed, something became clear: we were going to go deep with each other! And something was going to change for me from that moment on. Kisses are sometimes very revealing! It was the same feeling 12 years later in Stuttgart when Avinash kissed me in bed for the first time!

Sebastian and I spent a delicious night of love. Next morning when I woke up and was still lying in bed, he came in to get something from the room. I smiled at him, totally surrendered to that night of pleasure. He said:

- I'm not Sebastian, I'm Tom, "his" brother.

I thought, in wonder:

"Gosh, two of these guys!"

Later, at breakfast, I realized that they were in fact a bit different, but not that much! Tom was harder, more in the mind, one year younger and that place was "his" office.

Sebastian and I spent a wonderful week in London and then flew together to Amsterdam where we stayed at "his" father's who was living with a beautiful wife and an oneyear- old son. At the room where we lived there were big windows through which I could look out at one of those fantastic Amsterdam canals. I had never seen such a beautiful city and was feeling in heaven.

Paradise can really be so near! It's such a blessing to follow one's feelings. I was amazed that we could make love so freely at a parents' flat. It was the first time I was in Europe: what an experience for a young woman from the Third World! I took then for granted that the possibilities of free love about which I had dreamt so much were really greater here and took the idea back to Brazil where I started to improve upon it.

From this moment on wherever I was and whenever I related to people, I put out the feelings that love was a wave of energy which was the most powerful thing in the world and should be given enough space and time to grow in whatever direction it wanted. By love I meant the attraction that is suddenly there between people and can bring them to a long hug, to a delicious time in bed or to a series of meetings when nothing "has" to be solved or talked about. Nowadays I don't call it love although I give it the same importance as to that divine healing force - the real love!

After that first visit to Europe I kept dreaming of coming back because I had not been courageous enough to have just stayed with Sebastian. And he wanted it so badly! We had enjoyed a wonderful time, moving from bed to rock concerts, from bed to flea markets where I've bought the craziest clothes I could find and from bed to bed again after eating. Once he even got stuck inside me! It took us hours to work loose again! Like dogs! And a lot of pain for him! But this means that we were really enjoying because pain comes when pleasure is much, to complement it.

Then the skin around the head of the prick wouldn't work upwards and he was terribly suffering because the head was too big, had somehow swollen. It was at a concert that he finally managed to get it back. He went to the toilet and perspiring from pain forced it to the natural place again, coming then back to "my" arms released from that agony!

Yes, it was perhaps one of the greatest mistakes of this life not to have stayed with him. But I was living with a man in Brazil in a big and beautiful house which was shared with a nice girlfriend and a cousin with whom I'd also developed a deep feeling. I felt I couldn't simply stay in Europe! What to say about losing that job I liked so much?! We've even looked for work in a japanese hotel, cause in case I would decide to stay, I didn't want to depend on him. But it had not appealed to me! It felt like a prison to be only with a man, not knowing anybody else there.

But going back to Brazil was a shock! I was extremely sad to have left him and he was also very depressed at having lost the company of the crazy and passionate Brazilian lover. I was taking back some deliciously second-hand freaky clothes and a poster of us together. He kept another one, with a different picture.

When I arrived at Rio airport I was wearing an exotic long green dress made from an oriental carpet. The photographers who are always on the lookout for celebrities at such places homed in on me. The next day the picture was in the highest-circulation daily newspaper in town showing me crying because the suitcase had not arrived! I finally got it back after hearing that it had been kept locked away at those places in airports for keeping passangers' luggage. It had been put there by one of the Alitalia employees, the airline I was flying with. The plane had to stop in Rome for 24 hours, he offered me a place to sleep and took care of the suitcase. I thought everything would be ok but the luggage just stayed there locked away for what has looked like ages! Maybe he had just forgotten it! At last by what seemed sort of a miracle they found it and I got the treasures back!

It was strange what happened the next morning when I went down the street where he lived on "my" way to the airport: kids were running after me screaming things and amazed by such a different person! I felt that Italy was not for me. It seemed centuries behind the places I had ever been to!

Daddy came to pick me up at the airport and brought me the sad news that everyone had left the house and that I "had" a cheque that had bounced at the bank. Srgio, the man I was living with had gone to visit another girl in the north of Brazil and the cousin as I quickly learnt had paid the whole rent with the blank cheque I had left to pay "my" part of the expenses of the house we were sharing. And when I arrived home there was something like 10 cm of water in the whole place and plates of old food stinking like hell as if there had been a party after which no-one ever came back home!

Gosh, I was so frustrated and disappointed, and this was a heavy lesson on: never leave what you are enjoying for past experiences of happiness!

I am still learning on this subject, because it's a hard one to absorb! We are so conditioned to live out of the moment, dropping the energy that is happening for secure things of the past or achievements in the future! How stupid we are!

So there I was, in a ruined and empty house with no possibility of going back to Sebastian's arms! Sérgio came back shortly afterwards but he didn't turn me on as before anymore and the only thing I could do then was to dream of the next year when I could get another free ticket for another month's holiday. Sebastian started a trip to the East and kept writing me love letters also hoping that the year would fly quickly eating up the time. In fact this situation turned into a big depression for me. I was spending most of the time lying in bed when I was in Rio (actually it wasn't so often because of the airline job), accompanying by post Sebastian's experiences on the road. The craziest news was when he was busted for crossing the Indian border with some hash. Then he contracted hepatitis in jail!!! And there was I, so far away, digging away at that depression!!

I had gone back to Brazil at the beginning of June and in the following January I met two guys who reminded me of the time with him. I went to visit a friend, Marcelo, with whom I had been working at the airline and who had been arrested for selling LSD. Actually he had been the first person to bring this magic drug into the country. I had also brought some from the same source wanting to show friends the latest scientific discovery, capable of liberating the human race from mental conditionings. Marcelo being the only son of a general in a tough period of military dictatorship managed to gain conditional freedom and the father helped him to open a bar on a far-off beach where he played the latest rock hits of the world. The partner in the business was a rock musician called Capitão.

When we arrived, there were two guys sitting on the floor and one was playing an acoustic guitar. "My" eyes shone: this was the freedom I had experienced in Europe! "Their" eyes also shone: there was a free woman in Brazil! I sort of fell in love with both. Telmo soon met a girlfriend with whom he would walk around on the beach and I started to flirt with Oscar, a beautiful young man on the nineteens.

Srgio and I were in fact married. We used to hide this fact because as the communists that we were we hated the idea of marriage. But we had decided for it in order to get financial support from the families because we were living in a studio, a very small room full of "his" paintings, machines, colors, brushes, a built up bed and not even a toilet! I had also to keep it as a secret because of the airline which only accepted single women!

As we came in, Marcelo immediately shouted:

- I love this woman!

We were in love and hot for each other having been also a couple of times in bed although he had not managed to perform the male as he was mostly interested in men and had never been with a woman before.

Sérgio said also loud:

- Me too!

Telmo told me a few years later that he understood at once how much jealousy Sérgio was suffering from because of me.

When we met, Sérgio and I, a couple of years before, I thought it was clear that love should be free. There was no discussion about that for two people who wanted to stage a communist revolution in a Latin American country. There seemed to be no need to ask:

- Have you read "The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State" by Engels?

It was a kind of Bible like "Das Kapital" for revolutionaries. I hadn't read the book myself but I came to know its main contents via talks with other more experienced and older companions. I've understood it and fully agreed with the man!

Then after more than an year together, already married and living in a small flat where much was always happening for the artists and revolutionaries in town, I met on a flight somebody whose hormones touched mine. Working for the same airline, we spent a night in Manaus, the hot capital of the Amazon state. Nothing physical had happened besides some dancing together in a night club were the crew went for some fun. But I had been touched.

When I came back to Rio, I told Sérgio:

- I went out dancing with the crew and I felt very much attracted to one of them...

I still remember the scene: we were eating a chicken in "his" parents' kitchen (in those days I still ate meat). He held the piece of chicken mid-way to the mouth and looked at me. I couldn't understand what was going on! He was the first man I had fully experienced sex with, we seemed to be in love and this meant for me to be friends, open to each other and trustfull whatever the situation would be! I thought that these were intrinsic things between lovers!

He said:

- You have to choose between the two of us!

I tried to remind him of everything we used to talk about at the students' meetings or with friends. All in vain!

- I don't want to talk about this, he said.

I was silent for a while and then I replied:

- Alright, I choose you.

And at that moment I did really mean it! But the hormones didn't listen to that choice or promise and I started dreaming and wanting to meet the other guy!

One afternoon when I was on stand-by, somebody got sick and I took the vacant place on a flight to Recife. I knew he would be on board. It was the first trip I did to that hot and wonderful city on the north coast of Brazil and we ended up in a frustrating fuck. He came too quick and there was no orgasm. Poor women! We are always on the verge of frustrating nights with men we are dying for! All due to a lack of information of both women and men!

Still I wanted to be with him. We met again at a girlfriend's flat when he got a day off in Rio. She was a good friend and wanted to help me with that first clandestine love affair but there was no chance for sex because "her" parents were at home. And he was only that one afternoon in town!

Then, in a day off in São Paulo I went to "his" place with the same girlfriend Anita. To "my" surprise he was also living with a woman although he had not said it to me. I got so sad that he had lied! Why?! I had told him everything about Sérgio! I got utterly disappointed! I thought that there should be no lies between us! That was when I began to realize how much untruthfulness surrounds everybody on matters of love and sex. I was myself already submerged in a sea of cloudy stuff with Sérgio, afraid of losing the man I imagined I was in love with but seeing that he had taken over "my" mother's position in repressing me, especially concerning sex!

After that small incident with this man Celso I was involved in a lot of affairs about which I could not say a word to Sérgio! They failed to satisfy me maybe because deep down I was feeling guilty, feeling bad for not being truthful to him! This is hard and surely can prevent you from the right to a good orgasm! But how to be honest then?

After over an year of this crazy double life I went on a training course to Dallas, Texas. I had changed airline and was to do this preparation course at "their" headquarters. Together with me there was a student of psychology who pretty soon turned into a deep friend maybe because we were the only ones studying at university. She was called Neuza.

One night when we all girls were sitting in a restaurant, she told me:

- There is a new drug called LSD which is being used to open the mind and unblock the psyche of neuroses and it seems to be easy to come by here among these people they call hippies.

We were in a bourgeois Texan diner with the colleagues, looking like very normal girls. And she went on:

- Would you like to try it?

- Why not? I replied.

We had just met a few days before and I had never even experienced getting drunk! Revolutionaries were not supposed to do such things!

- We can ask that guy over there, she told me, pointing to a long-haired guy who was sitting at another table.

It was the first visit to States, I was amazed at every little thing and in fact it was the first time I had ever seen a man with long hair!

- And you have to come with me, she added, because "my" English is very bad. You have to help me. We walked up to him and as if this was a very normal thing, asked if he knew where we could get an LSD. He smiled naturally and said that he could arrange it for us. We planned to meet at "his" place on "our" next free day.

There we met the most incredible people we had ever seen! They were listening to some strange and delightful music. We came to know later that this was Jimmy Hendrix and Janis Joplin.

He gave us a violet pill to share. Half an hour later nothing had happened and we decided to go home, home meaning the training school of the Texan airline. They decided to take us by car. Looking back, I realize how nice and careful these guys were, even though they looked so strange!

Neuza and I were sitting in the back of the car. Suddenly she looked at me and whispered in Portuguese:

- Hey, something is happening! Can you feel it? At that moment something clicked in me too and I started to feel it. They asked if we would like to eat something with them and we went to a kind of those horrible McDonald's.

On the way from the car to the restaurant some guys on the street yelled at us:

- Hey girls, why don't you get stoned with us?

I wondered how could they know that we were stoned! It was also the first time that I heard this word! For an ordinary Communist girl from a Third World country that whole experience was really something! And those nice long-haired guys, so sweet and careful with us, people they had never seen before!!

From that moment on, sitting in a fast food restaurant, everything came alive! Even now just the memory makes the cells jump in commotion. What I feel is that once one takes acid, it remains forever there and even the memory makes the whole trip come back. As now, in the very process of writing...

I remember touching the walls of the main hall of the school when we entered it in the middle of the trip, coming back from eating. I was so amazed at how wonderful those walls could be, how alive, how pulsating with life!

One of the most significant exercises I give during the workshops which is to make love to the wall is a consequence of this experience of caressing those big walls of an American school for stewardesses! Yes, everything was pure energy, the electrons constantly moving around the protons in every single thing of this material world.

Even the material world is energy!!!

That was the main discovery!

This has been the second great turning point in life for me.

The other day Atman, the son, came to ask me: - Pyari, they say that many people never come back from the acid trips. Is it true?

I said:

- Yes, it's true. I never came back. Each one was a new step. The first trip showed me that all is alive, that we can relate to everything! St. Francis used to talk to the animals and to the trees!! We can do it even with the rocks, the plate and the fork with which we eat because all and everything is consciousness, all is in movement and the electrons can understand us!

He looked at me in wonder:

- You know so many things, Pyari. You should tell me more.

And I thought: "Yes, I always think that everything is so obvious. But it isn't. I could share these experiences more often."

And now I also remember hearing Osho say that scientists have found out that when you examine some electron or other under a special microscope and the electron notices that you are looking at him, he behaves in a different way! As when you are in the toilet and discover that somebody is watching you: IMMEDIATELY you try to behave, you find another way to move and do things. I don't know how the electrons come to notice that you observe them, or whether there is a way to watch them without them perceiving that they are being watched, but the fact is that they behave in a different way when they recognize that they are being watched. This is a major discovery because it means that everything is conscious and aware of the attention one is given, even these small things inside the atoms! Isn't it amazing?!!! And doesn't it change the whole approach to life and to things around us? This understanding I got from this first trip and not with the mind but with the hands, which could feel how alive every little thing is!!!...

I wrote then a letter to Sérgio telling him about the new horizon that had opened up to me. He had long been smoking grass and I had even tried to smoke with him but actually had got nothing from it. The experience with LSD was something totally different, I could assure him, because the understanding that would come to anyone was from a totally new space: another dimension of consciousness! No more just the social behaviour of opposing an economic system and seeing everything from this point of view. There were new spheres of knowing, there was much more to learn and to explore!

From Dallas we went to Chile and there I met a guy I can only now fully understand. By now I mean these years I've been travelling with Osho into the realms of meditation.

Neuza was in an affair with a colleague from the airline group who was from Chile and when we got there he introduced me to a friend. I don't remember the guy's name and he wasn't the first lover I was with during that trip. Dallas had offered me a nice "freak" who showed me Jimmy Hendrix's music and "In a gadda da vida," a wonderful rock piece that still brings me movement to the body. But also with him I had not reached any orgasm.

The boy in Chile was from a different tribe. I told him all about the sex life I was experiencing after we had made love a few times without me getting an orgasm. It was a short time: just 10 days! But enough to break the walls, to break through the conditionings that were preventing me from a real pleasure.

On the door he had written the Hermann Hesse quotation from „Steppenwolf“: "Only for crazy ones!" And he got determined to give me an orgasm.

- No guilt, he told me. It's a birthright to enjoy the body!

And he kept touching me the clitoris till I was absolutely relaxed and melting into pleasure. I reached the point of orgasm! The room was in a blue light, Neuza was also there with the boyfriend and we could share once more another experience also very important for us: the peak of pleasure!

Neuza, the chilenian and Pyari, 1969

I had already made love in the same room as other people but the quality was now different. The first time was in Dallas, the guy and me in one bed and a colleague with the boyfriend in another one. Side by side. "In a gadda da vida" was playing and I wanted to enjoy the day, the man and the body. But the other girl was not like Neuza and pleasure for her was something for when we are drunk and will be forgotten the next day. She always thought that I was crazy and in the mind she was doing it because I was doing it and she was being influenced by me. She laughed the whole time, a nervous laughter that shows how tense the body is and how difficult it's to relax in pleasure. She didn't know anything about the sacredness of these moments of making love. Maybe I've learnt that from the wise words I always heard at home from the father:

- Sex is healthy and keeps you young.

I remember now that this girl was called Angie and that the parents were Germans. So very different from the beloved Neuza whose father was a Brazilian macho and the mother an intellectual! What a combination! But with her it was possible to enjoy everything: wonderful novels by the best writers in the world, acid trips and love affairs! Everything was included.

When we got on the plane that took us back to Brazil we felt that something had been completed. That last night with the lovers had given us the orgasm we deserved, each of us coming from a different background of problems and blocks. We were holding hands and there was nothing to be said. When the plane was just going to land we woke up to the fact that we had not exchanged the telephone numbers! And we laughed heartily as she told me:

- It's incredible that after experiencing so much together we don't even know each other's telephone number! It's such a funny feeling to write it down!

And the laughter was almost the same as the laughs we shared in the toilet of the dormitory at the school on the night of the trip, telling one of the girls, a very stupid and bourgeois one, we had drunk too much. The fourth girl in the room was a friend and could know the truth. I remember her telling us that she had also once taken a trip. I suppose she just wanted to show off not to look inferior or something like this and hence lose "our" friendship, because how could she had experienced a trip before, in Brazil?! Even today it's not so easy to come across LSD there!

People do such stupid things to keep friendship and love, so dependent are we on others!

Neuza and I developed a deep and intense connection that helped us to grow in many directions. People used to call us lesbians as we were really in love with each other! Sometimes we liked to pretend that it was true: we would kiss and hold each other in a very exagerated way, laughing about people's stupid minds! But there had never been sex between us. I don't know why. Maybe it was repression of some kind, maybe that was just the way it had to be, because love was flowing intensely between us anyway and the bodies we were enjoying with men - so, there was no desire left!

I remember once when we were holding hands over the space that separated the beds in a hotel in Lima, Perú. She stopped reading the book for a while (she always read so much!) and said to me:

- Can you imagine us really being lesbians?

I felt a little strange but didn't say anything. She went back to the book, still holding me the hand. There was a slight impulse to move to her but I didn't dare to.

In fact I don't enjoy sex with women. Some years later when I've tried it a couple of times, I felt I wanted a man to get really hot. Women feel soft, too much like me! I like the contrast, the male, the feeling of being a woman. I can enjoy, caress, love them, but the electric feeling in the body wants the man, the yang part of nature.

I remember hearing Osho saying that homosexuality would never lead people to spiritual love although gays normally say, defending that taste, that they are more spiritual. But this definitely doesn't feel like truth. For me, homosexuality is a sexual stuck condition due to an unlived anal phase that should be happening in the childhood. Then attraction to the opposite sex is not developed. But as one can't just keep sexual energies totally locked inside, one is forced to let them out, and tries the same sex... And it works, because it's less frightening - one knows already how it functions! Then one thinks that one is gay... Forever...

It's a fact that parents of homosexuals are very repressed, specially the man's mother or the woman's father. "My" mother was an extremely repressed and repressing person and the sons ended up experiencing sex for the first time with an old man from the tennis club we used to go to and one of them is still busy with boys, mostly because of this first imprint. This is a consequence of a mother who has never found a girl she thought worthy of the sons and who has tried to keep us away from any contact with sex. The other brother can't be said to be living a healthy sex life either, with a big belly and a wife who did nothing up to now except trying to keep the body beautiful. Then after the kids has also become fat like him, and fat people are really not satisfied! Sex keeps you and the body beautiful!

But this subject is a book in itself. I just want to complete here that many homosexuals who have come to the work-shops, have fallen in love and enjoyed sex with me, moving on further to heterosexuality. Homosexuals are indeed very sensitive people who have at least dared to do something forbidden by the society. I definitely like them! So, there is no condemnation, only an observation of facts. I'm not the only one who says that homosexuality is a stage on everybody's life. And not endless! One should be allowed to enjoy it when it comes, which is, if not repressed, somewhere in the childhood. If it comes when you are already an adult, understand that it is a step to be gone through and move into it without getting stuck there. Never say you are an homosexual because the moment you do this, you are preventing yourself from moving forward and there's not such divisions like homo or hetero in life. They exist only in the minds of people! The moment you label yourself, you close the door for the body to feel attracted to the other sex when it gets ripe for that, when the time has come. It may be when you are old, so what? But if you close the door it will never come, which means: you've got stuck, the body is not free anymore to feel further, to sexually evolve!

I'm not saying that heterosexuals are in a better situation. Everybody is repressed! And if you have also not experienced homosexuality, you can't fully enjoy heterosexuality. Actually, in this planet, only a few really enjoy sex as a birthright in all its ecstasies, sufferings, blessings, moving towards complete realization with its help! Reich has said that this system needs us repressed to be able to enslave us. And this statement has been the real cause for him to be murdered!

To finish with this theme I want to say that sex, when it's free, moves through autosexuality - more or less when we are babies; homosexuality during childhood; and heterosexuality in the puberty. If we are freely allowed to live these stages, we can manage sometime to stumble upon love and also to go beyond sex realizing ourselves as Gods and Godesses. Otherwise we will be stuck somewhere on the way thinking that we "have" a certain kind of sexuality. And nobody "has" any kind of sexuality. We are just moving through this energy that has brought us to the planet...

☼

So, returning to Rio after the training course in Dallas, life "had" a new quality. With this first visit to the States, the girl from the colony visiting the metropolis, was changed: America was not only imperialism and the Capital killing the dreams of revolution and equality! Free love and mutation were also happening there and there were a lot of long-haired guys changing American society from inside and helping us to change the mind before we would go back to the provinces! And without guns, but with drugs, flowers and love! That was a real revolution!

And the acid had been a big help! Some people were saying I had fallen into drugs! I didn't care: I had just found another way! And the revolutionaries had not proved good lovers: they were not trusting love and "its" power.

It was early 69 and I started to meet a lot of men all over the world, enjoying many good orgasms!!!

At the end of the year, in New York, I met the guy who was to teach me tantric sex and spent 10 unforgettable days with him in that crazy city. This story is very beautiful and it was programmed for a separate chapter but this book became too long! So, unfortunately, Syd will be part of a next book!

On December 31, the beginning of the seventies, I took another trip, this time with Sérgio, Dad, a friend who was in love with me called Amilcar (a poet from the northeast of Brazil, full of fire in the blood) and Sérgio's cousin, Gracinha, a beautiful girl he had been in love with for so many years without ever having told her!

This book sometimes makes me sound so serious! I want to make it clear that I am not a sober person and that mostly I take life as a play, a short story that always ends too soon, the moral being: don't waste time on problems; enjoy it before it's too late!

But perhaps I just think I want to take life as a play and by writing I realize how serious I still am! Or maybe, writing in English, which is not the native language for me, brings the censor, who keeps there watching, judging instead of letting it flow...

So, the trip with the "family" was fantastic! And I want to say that I'm listening to a great song from "Judas Priest" called "Rage" which gives me lots of inspiration!

This was the feeling of that LSD trip: we were celebrating the beginning of the decade with the end of that fight for social liberation and the dawn of the transformation that would follow it. No more the use of force we had felt necessary during the sixties. For me it became quite clear during this long and infinite night that I didn't want to die as a revolutionary because the main quest had always been for pleasure and love. In the spare time I was studying better systems for the society we wanted to change and was trying to help those who were engaged in the fight or informing others who seemed to be too sleepy. But deep inside, love and fun had always been the motive forces. And the mind was not so busy judging the deeds. I was after sex and love and that was alright for me. It was an intrinsic process, almost a compulsion and I simply followed it all the time. That was maybe the reason why at the end of 68, amidst the students revolt all over, some people started thinking that I was a spy from the police: because I never wanted to be a martyr!

I suffered a lot with this specially because it was at the same time that I lost the job at Varig, the Brazilian airline, also because of gossips! And I loved that work! But they were so stupid there!

They fired me because a rumour had started that I was a prostitute! I had taken the leader of the revolutionary students in Braslia inside the hotel room where me and another girl from the crew were spending the night. I had asked her whether she could leave us alone for a while. Unfortunately the meeting ended up in a short and frustating fuck! And I had wished so intensely to come again to Braslia to meet this guy once more and be able to make love to him!

The first time we met we where hanging out around the city for the whole night, taking every little oportunity to pet and express how hot we were for each other! But no chance to really make love! The girl with whom I was then sharing the room was already sleeping and he was living nowhere, all the time hiding from the police.

That beautiful, dangerous and frustrating meeting turned quickly into a mischievous gossip against me and it was fast spread around that I was taking men to the hotels for a quick fuck and 50 dollars! He was indeed a courageous guy: he could have been arrested at that 5 stars hotel and maybe that's why he was not at ease to enjoy me as he could. And I could not explain to the boss why we weren't able to find another place to love, neither say who he was! So, I lost the job and never met him again: how could I then get to Brasília? And how to connect a clandestine leftist leader from another city?

Once I saw "his" picture at the cover of a magazine leading a demonstration. Maybe he has later been murdered like many of them at that time.

But everything in life comes for a certain evolution if one can move ahead and take the best out of it.

☼

The feeling I "had" that New Eve's night is still here. Right now. It's out of space and time. Because then I came into it forever. Now I no longer take LSD to find this space. It is there! If the acid comes to me, if it's offered, that's alright, I may take it - or not - but the feeling is there, all the time. No end to it. I can just close the eyes and see what is there any time I want to look in. And what do I want? I want love, I want pleasure, I want to shout out loud that love and pleasure is what I want. I want to hear music made by people who say no to a lot of terrible things that everybody in society takes for granted as being normal even though they are not, even though they are expressions of man's sickness. More men's responsibility because they've made this society and women have to suffer it! But it's time for us women to take another kind of responsability and not be against them but change oneself and find out ALONE what is to be a woman! Only being able to be alone, taking the whole responsability for oneself, can we really be together with a man!

So, I want to hear music, I want to enjoy sound and silence, punk and classical, meditation and revolution, pain and pleasure. I want to eat simple things that taste better after I chew them, such a subtle taste that only silently I can really enjoy it! I like to drink just a few things besides tea and water. And pleasure, and love, whenever it's possible. Never anything else when love is the alternative... Yes, love for music now is maybe the highest pleasure. Has the energy come up to the fifth chakra? Perhaps, because in fact we can never be sure of anything!

But love has to be nourished! I will tell you how I imagine nourishing it...

Yes, the feeling of the trip, that night...I wanted to show the ones I was in love with what the experience of an LSD trip was.

I remember Daddy lying on the grass, facing the sky above, bumping the body up and down and saying while listening to the music:

- Now I understand why you like the Stones! We were in a beautiful hanging garden on the tenth floor of a tall building on Botafogo beach. Beneath us, on the white sand, lots of people also in white were dancing to Iemanjá, the "goddess of the sea" according to the popular religion in Brazil and were throwing flowers to her through the waves that were coming to kiss the sand. Small, illuminated boats made of cardboard were also swimming away into the ocean and thousands of candles along the beach were adding the magic touch!

I was enjoying life a lot with Dad at that time. We had experienced much trouble when I was a child and it was after that trip in Dallas that I came to understand what a fantastic human being he was.

When I married Sérgio he grew paranoiac. As far as I remember he was just jealous because I was enjoying and like every father, seeing the beautiful young daughter in love with another man was quite painful. It "had" also something to do with the fact that all over this macho planet a woman who likes men is somehow not alright. Why?! He used to tell me that sex was good but I suppose he meant that only for men because he also used to tell me that women should be difficult so that they could keep men interested: because men don't like women who are easy! Isn't it crazy?

But a woman like me, who is interested in adventure, should not play silly games otherwise she won't get any pleasure! For me, the most enjoyable moments are those when both are really hot for each other! The games take the energy away...

Now I'm a rock singer... "My" photo was in today's issue of Oxmox, the Hamburg listings magazine. "Breaking the law! Breaking the law!" screams the "Judas Priest." Hard and loud. It gives me power and fun to be able to be hard and loud. I would have never expected that taste on me a few years ago!

So when the father realized that I had become a woman... Can you imagine?! He loves sex, he used to flirt around but I had to be a virgin so that men could love me or so that I could deserve men's love! In fact, I was not interested in men's "love" (after all, what do we know about love?). I was interested in the pleasure they could give to me. Once I had discovered it I didn't want to give it up for honour or marriage or anything else in the world. That is why I have never even discussed it with him. I was already aware of men's conditioning and saw that even he, who was really into fun and pleasure and didn't care a hoot for what society expected of us, couldn't accept the daughter having turned into a woman who was seaking pleasure! That was a man's prerogative, not a woman's! But when I decided to make love for the first time it had been such a clear decision to become a free woman that nothing could change it backwards anymore!