Shame on you!
Overcoming shame and embarrassment
Dipl.Psych. Sonja Tolevski
As you may know, I am not a native speaker, so there may be “unusual sentences” used by me. I hope you forgive me.
Content
The emotion of shame: an introduction
Understanding shame
When does shame become harmful?
Types of shame
Causes of shame
The dangers of shame
Effects of shame
Are you afraid of what others think of you?
On women and shame
Shame and abuse
Shame and narcissism
Dealing with shame
There is no shame in you
The emotion of shame: an introduction
Shame can be defined as a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises from the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or inappropriate. People who are ashamed usually try to hide what they are ashamed of. When shame is chronic, it can go hand in hand with the feeling that you are fundamentally flawed. It is often difficult to recognize shame in yourself.
Shame is a negative emotion, but its origin plays a role in our survival as humans. Without shame, we might not feel the need to adhere to certain norms, follow established laws, or behave in a way that allows us to live in a social community without running the risk of that community excluding us, thereby creating an existential problem for us. Generations before us already understood that exclusion from a community can mean certain death. Even if this is no longer as important as it used to be, a kind of instinct is still triggered in us that seeks to avoid it. Because since we want to be accepted, shame is a beautiful and proven tool that keeps us all in check.
Shame has nothing to do with who you are as a person (e.g., whether you are good or bad). Shame is an internalized experience about yourself, an aspect of your character, or about how someone has treated you (and how it has made you feel about yourself).
But shame offers an unexpected chance to change.
When we feel shame, our thinking usually associates it with perceived weaknesses and shortcomings. However, shame is much more than just a negative emotional state characterized by painful feelings of exposure, disappointment, or inadequacy. In fact, there is a very important and positive component of shame that is generally not emphasized. An important function of shame is to alert us when something or someone is interfering with positive feelings we are experiencing in the moment—things we are enjoying and want more of. What we feel as shame later in life is largely the result of childhood experiences.
Perhaps more than any other emotion, shame also motivates learning and the desire to change oneself. Think of everyday examples where shame or shame-related anxiety draws attention to qualities or behaviors that one would like to change. For example, the drive to learn at all costs to avoid failing an exam and being exposed to the feeling of shame. Imagine all the behaviors that people usually avoid because they know that their actions would cause a certain amount of shame in themselves or others—from mild embarrassment to deep humiliation.
