Smart Parenting for Smart Kids E-Book

Eileen Kennedy-Moore

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 444

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2011

Beschreibung

WINNER! Mom's Choice Gold Award for parenting books -- Mom's Choice Awards: The best in family-friendly media

"My kid is smart, but..."

It takes more than school smarts to create a fulfilling life. In fact, many bright children face special challenges:

• Some are driven by perfectionism;
• Some are afraid of effort, because they're used to instant success;
• Some routinely butt heads with authority figures;
• Some struggle to get along with their peers;
• Some are outwardly successful but just don't feel good about themselves.

This practical and compassionate book explains the reasons behind these struggles and offers parents do-able strategies to help children cope with feelings, embrace learning, and build satisfying relationships. Drawing from research as well as the authors’ clinical experience, it focuses on the essential skills children need to make the most of their abilities and become capable, confident, and caring people.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Cover

Table of Contents

More Praise for Smart Parenting for Smart Kids

Half title page

OTHER BOOKS WRITTEN OR COAUTHORED BY EILEEN KENNEDY-MOORE

Title page

Copyright page

DEDICATION

NOTE TO THE READER

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

INTRODUCTION

Rethinking Potential

CHAPTER 1 TEMPERING PERFECTIONISM

What Is “Good Enough”?

THE FEELINGS AND BELIEFS UNDERLYING PERFECTIONISM

MICHAEL: FOCUSING ON FLAWS

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD TEMPER SELF-CRITICISM

KIRSTEN: DEFLECTING BLAME

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD RESPOND TO MISTAKES PRODUCTIVELY

SAM: AVOIDING ACTIVITIES AT WHICH HE DOESN’T EXCEL

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD BECOME LESS AFRAID OF TRYING

ANGELA: FEELING INADEQUATE

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD ACCEPT “GOOD ENOUGH”

SHOW THE WAY

CHAPTER 2 BUILDING CONNECTION

How Does Your Child Reach Out to Others?

FRIENDSHIPS MATTER

ANDREW: SEEKING AN AUDIENCE RATHER THAN A FRIEND

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD REACH OUT TO PEERS

CLAY: AVOIDING JOINING THE GROUP

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD JOIN IN

AMALIA: FEELING REJECTED BY PEERS

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD AVOID AND DEAL WITH REJECTION

SHOW THE WAY

CHAPTER 3 MANAGING SENSITIVITY

How Does Your Child Handle Criticism, Conflict, and Disappointment?

THE IMPACT OF SENSITIVITY

MARIO: PERCEIVING BETRAYAL

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD HANDLE CONFLICTS WITH PEERS

JESSICA: BALKING AT CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD COPE WITH CRITICISM

SAMIR: CHAFING AT A CHANGE OF PLANS

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD RECOVER FROM AND PREVENT EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS

COLLIN: SHOULDERING THE WORLD’S WOES

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD COPE WITH BIG WORRIES

SHOW THE WAY

CHAPTER 4 HANDLING COOPERATION AND COMPETITION

How Does Your Child Fit in a Group?

PROVING THEIR WORTH

STEVEN: INSISTING ON HIS WAY

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD LEARN TO COOPERATE

ANITA: BEING A SORE LOSER

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD COPE WITH WINNING AND LOSING

MISHA: FEARING COMPETITION

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD HANDLE FEARS ABOUT COMPETITION

CRAIG: DEALING WITH COMPETITION IN THE FAMILY

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD COPE WITH COMPETITION WITHIN THE FAMILY

SHOW THE WAY

CHAPTER 5 DEALING WITH AUTHORITY

How Does Your Child Respond to Those in Charge?

DEVELOPING DIPLOMACY

LISA: BEING BLIND TO AUTHORITY

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD WORK EFFECTIVELY WITH THOSE IN CHARGE

NICHOLAS: MAKING EVERYTHING AN ARGUMENT

STRATEGIES FOR EXERCISING COMPASSIONATE AUTHORITY

STEPHANIE: FRETTING ABOUT ADULTS’ ANGER

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD DEVELOP A HEALTHY PERSPECTIVE ON ADULTS’ ANGER

SHOW THE WAY

CHAPTER 6 DEVELOPING MOTIVATION

What Matters to Your Child?

MOTIVATION MATTERS

ETHAN: AVOIDING SCHOOLWORK

STRATEGIES TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S INTRINSIC MOTIVATION

JARED: COMPLAINING THAT SCHOOLWORK IS BORING

STRATEGIES TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S COMPETENCE

STRATEGIES TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S AUTONOMY

STRATEGIES TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S CONNECTION

DIANE: NOT APPLYING HERSELF IN SCHOOL

STRATEGIES TO ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD’S EFFORT

SHOW THE WAY

CHAPTER 7 FINDING JOY

What Makes Your Child Feel Happy?

WHY HAPPINESS MATTERS

MONICA: FINDING FAULT INSTEAD OF FUN

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD EXPERIENCE AND SAVOR PLEASURE

CONNER: SEARCHING FOR PERSONAL MEANING

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD HAVE MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCES

SHOW THE WAY

CONCLUSION

The Pressure to Perform Versus the Power to Grow

BEYOND PERFORMANCE TOWARD GROWTH

THE LANGUAGE OF BECOMING

A TRUE REFLECTION

SELECTED REFERENCES AND RECOMMENDED READING

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Index

More Praise for Smart Parenting for Smart Kids

“Having had the experience of raising a smart, perfectionistic child myself, this book is a literal godsend. Packed with familiar anecdotes and valuable advice, parents will find great wisdom in its pages.”

—Stephen R. Covey, author, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and The Leader in Me

“Smart Parenting for Smart Kids is a fresh parenting book filled with vignettes and strategies for raising smart kids to become healthy, happy, and contributing adults. It shines light on the mindset needed to counter the effects on our children of our high-stakes culture and education system.”

—Vicki Abeles, producer and codirector, Race to Nowhere

“Smart Parenting for Smart Kidsis a really important book for parents who are immersed in the wave of pressure parenting. The authors have done parents a favor by exposing the flaws in the argument that our kids must be pushed ever harder to succeed. This book helps parents see how to encourage their children to develop as whole people with feelings, ideas, and the ability to cope with the occasional disappointment too.”

—Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, PhD, professor, University of Delaware; author, Einstein Never Used Flash Cards and A Mandate for Playful Learning in Preschool

“This book offers warm, sensible, and practical ways that parents can help their children build positive relationships and develop effective coping skills. The authors make parents aware of the fine line between encouragement and over-involvement. I highly recommend it.”

—Nancy Samalin, MS, parent educator and best-selling author, Loving Without Spoiling

“If you wish to be a smart parent, get this book and absorb its messages about how to help your children learn from experience, grow despite setbacks, work well with those around them, and find their own motivation and joy.”

—Maurice J. Elias,PhD, director, Clinical Training, Psychology Department, Rutgers University; coauthor, Emotionally Intelligent Parenting

“This book is a treat—smart guidance for parents of bright children in a stressed-out world! Kennedy-Moore and Lowenthal engage you with their comfortable writing style, psychological expertise, compelling examples of children’s core challenges, and sound parenting strategies. I recommend it for parents who want to help their children achieve and thrive, without pressure.”

—Carol D. Goodheart, EdD, 2010 president, American Psychological Association

“Parents will identify their children in the case studies presented by the authors and immediately find practical strategies for guiding them with their intellectual and social-emotional needs.”

—Sylvia Rimm, PhD, author, How to Parent So Children Will Learn

“Kennedy-Moore and Lowenthal show us how to encourage healthy self-esteem and coping in our children. In a clear manner, they translate solid strategies into easy-to-understand advice for parents to help kids stay productive and happy. Wish my parents had this when I was growing up.”

—Jed Baker, PhD, author, No More Meltdowns

“This warm and wise book shows parents how to nurture the social and emotional skills that all children need to succeed. It’s filled with practical strategies parents can use to help children discover and develop their true potential.”

—Michele Borba, PhD, author, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions

Smart

Parenting

For

Smart

Kids

OTHER BOOKS WRITTEN OR COAUTHORED BY EILEEN KENNEDY-MOORE

For parents:

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends

Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore

For mental health professionals:

Expressing Emotion: Myths, Realities and Therapeutic Strategies

Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Jeanne C. Watson

For children:

What About Me? 12 Ways to Get Your Parents’ Attention (Without Hitting Your Sister)

Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Mits Katayama (illus.)

Copyright © 2011 by Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Mark S. Lowenthal. All rights reserved.

Published by Jossey-Bass

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Kennedy-Moore, Eileen.

 Smart parenting for smart kids : nurturing your child’s true potential / Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Mark S. Lowenthal.

p. cm.

 Includes bibliographical references and index.

 ISBN 978-0-470-64005-0 (pbk.); ISBN 978-0-470-93999-4 (ebk); 978-0-470-94000-6 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-00289-6 (ebk)

 1. Gifted children. 2. Parents of gifted children. I. Lowenthal, Mark S., date. II. Title.

 HQ773.5.K467 2011

 649'.155–dc22

2010043005

This book is lovingly dedicated to our spouses and partners on our parenting journey, Tony Moore and Sandy Voremberg

NOTE TO THE READER

The vignettes in this book are based on composites of children we have known. Names and identifying information have been changed or omitted. The dialogues are fictional. They are intended to represent typical behavior and problems, and they do not refer to specific people or real events.

This book is for general educational purposes only. It does not constitute and should not substitute for individual professional advice, psychotherapy, or the provision of psychological services.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This book was both a pleasure and a challenge to write. The issues we discuss are neither simple nor quickly resolved, but we believe they are at the core of a life well lived. Writing this book caused us to examine our own values, experience, and parenting practices, and deepened our understanding in meaningful ways.

We are especially grateful to the children and parents who are or have been our psychotherapy clients. Thank you for sharing your observations, insights, struggles, and strengths with us, and for trusting us to help. You are the inspiration for this book.

We thank our wonderful agent, Betsy Amster, who understood the heart of this book from the beginning, and who has been an invaluable source of support and encouragement throughout the process of writing it. We thank our editor, Alan Rinzler, for championing this book, for using a light but very perceptive editorial hand, and for being amazingly responsive with his feedback. We also thank the dedicated staff at Jossey-Bass for turning our manuscript into a “real-live” book.

Our friends and colleagues have contributed moral support and brainstorming efforts through the ups and downs of writ­ing this book: Sheila Kennedy Hickey (who counts as both a friend and a sister!), Julie Shadd Kennedy (who counts as both a friend and a sister-in-law!), Bob Harrell, Brian Gross, Jill Degener Smith, Julie Abrams, David Sacks, Karen Cohen, Laura Skivone Fecko, Eliot Garson, Jeffrey Segal, Bonnie Lipeles, Kathy Newman, and Jane Simon. Your support has meant a lot to us!

Most of all, we thank our families. Eileen thanks her husband, Tony Moore, who has been a wonderful source of both practical and emotional support, listening to half-formed ideas, solving computer glitches, tackling or ignoring unfinished household chores, and making necessary late-night ice cream runs to cheer her on. She also thanks their children, Mary, Daniel, Sheila, and Brenna Kennedy-Moore, for filling her life with love, laughter, and learning. Mark thanks his wife, Sandy Voremberg, who has been there for him in every way possible over the past seventeen years and throughout the writing of this book. He also thanks their children, Ian and Haley Lowenthal. They continue to teach him about becoming a better parent as well as a more patient, sensitive, and loving person.

INTRODUCTION

Rethinking Potential

Potential is a dangerous word.

When someone tells you that your child has “real potential,” you probably feel delighted. Maybe you imagine your child soaring through life, surpassing all your accomplishments, suf­fering none of your setbacks, while you watch with loving admiration.

But then the worries start, because potential, after all, is a possibility, not a guarantee. What if your child doesn’t live up to that potential?

THE PRESSURE TO HELP OUR KIDS ACHIEVE

Friends, neighbors, and the “child improvement” industry are quick to tell us everything we need to do to help our children reach their potential. They insist:

Play Mozart while your baby is in the womb.Use the “brain boosting” baby formula.Sign your toddler up for gym classes to develop gross motor skills.Arrange for music classes to develop your child’s mathematical thinking.Start soccer by three, or it will be too late.Language immersion must take place before the critical period ends.It’s not enough to do one activity; you have to make sure your child is well rounded.

From all sides, the message is “Start early; go faster; do more.” The earnestness and intensity of this advice makes it seem as though any parent who doesn’t sign her children up for a bevy of enriching activities is neglectful.

We all know that overscheduled children (that is, kids who do more activities than ours do!) are a national problem, but the pressure and competition continue, and nothing changes. Philosophically, we might appreciate the value of downtime, but as parents, we’re afraid to do anything less than everything possible to develop our children’s potential.

In our zeal and anxiety to make sure our children fulfill their potential, we look to grades, test scores, and class placement as if they were crystal balls into the future—objective and infallible indicators of what lies ahead. We fret if a grade is low. We worry that our children might not be working hard enough. We fear that the curriculum offerings might not be challenging enough. Again, we are bombarded by advice: “Oh, isn’t your daughter doing the computer-based tutoring that will advance her test scores one whole year?” We monitor homework, help them study for tests, critique their papers, supervise their science projects, and worry we’re not doing enough. We wouldn’t want our children to waste their potential.

THE BURDEN OF POTENTIAL

It’s very easy for thoughts about potential to slip from “possibility” to “expectation.” Conscientious efforts to support and encourage our children’s achievement can drift into anxious concerns about what they could accomplish, if only they apply themselves diligently enough and take the right classes and get the right opportunities and score high enough . . .

Potential becomes a burden when we see it as a predestined calling to impressive accomplishments. Both parents and children can become seduced into focusing on performance rather than growth, on being The Best rather than making progress, and on accumulating external awards and accomplishments as the primary measures of worth. Worst of all, this one-dimensional perspective on potential creates a terrible fear of failure.

A DIFFERENT IDEA OF POTENTIAL

A narrow view of potential suggests that there is some lofty gold ring of success, and our children will either jump high enough to reach it or else fall short. But life doesn’t work that way. In real life, there are lots of choices, lots of chances, and lots of paths. It makes no sense to talk about kids “not living up to their potential” because the miracle of children is that we just don’t know how they will change or who they will become. The path of development is a journey of discovery that is clear only in retrospect, and it’s rarely a straight line.

This book is for parents who understand that potential is not an end point but a capacity to grow and learn. Nurturing children’s potential, in the broadest sense, means cultivating their humanity. It involves supporting their expanding abilities to reach out to others with kindness and empathy, to feel part of something bigger than themselves, to find joy and satisfaction in creating a life that is personally meaningful . . . and so much more.

THE DOWNSIDE OF BEING SMART

Concerns about “achieving potential” tend to be especially prominent when it comes to school performance. Maybe this is because kids spend so much time in school. Maybe it’s because school is often a segue to future careers. Or maybe it’s because nowadays children’s academic performance is constantly rated and ranked.

What’s surprising to us is that the greatest anxiety about achievement—in both parents and kids—often surrounds the children who have the most scholastic aptitude. These children spend a lot of time thinking and hearing about what they could or should achieve—because of their potential.

There are lots of ways to be smart, but in this book, when we refer to “smart” or “bright” kids, we’re talking about children who are able to earn A’s and B’s, even if they aren’t currently producing in school. Because they are so capable, they often face a lot of pressure to achieve. And sometimes that can lead to too much focus on what they do rather than on who they are.

WHY WE WROTE THIS BOOK

Kids today face unique challenges in developing a healthy perspective on achievement. We’ve observed this in our own children, in our friends’ kids, and in the children we work with in our psychology practices. Too often, we’ve seen smart kids who

Give up at the first sign of difficultyBecome distraught over minor mistakesSeem unmotivated and put forth minimal effortFind working with classmates intolerableGet into needless power struggles with adultsFeel lonely and disconnected from peers

As clinical psychologists, we’ve seen a lot of bright but unhappy children. In fact, some of the most miserable, angry, or stressed-out kids we’ve worked with were also the most academically capable.

We live in a narcissistic age that emphasizes being impressive and seeking admiration. Sadly, smart kids are often the ones who are hurt most by this focus on externals. Because they can perform, and that performance seems so important to everyone around them, they may start to believe that they are the performance.

A real danger facing bright children is that they will come to define themselves solely in terms of their accomplishments—to believe, “I’m smart, but that’s all I am.” This makes them terribly vulnerable. If they don’t perform perfectly, if someone else is “smarter,” if they have to struggle to learn something, or if they encounter any setback, they feel inadequate or even worthless. A minor criticism leaves them feeling wounded or enraged. Even their victories can feel empty because admiration is a cold substitute for closeness. When kids measure their worth solely in terms of achievement, their self-image becomes distorted and their ability to connect with others is crippled.

The antidote is to help children cultivate a broad self-definition that encompasses not only their abilities but also their humanity. This does not mean either settling for mediocrity or creating “superkids”; it means helping children develop the foundation they need to discover their passions, build relationships, sustain effort, and create a life with authentic happiness.

We wrote this book because we wanted to be a voice of clarity and comfort for parents who care about developing their children’s inner strength. Compassion, perspective, grit . . . these qualities aren’t necessarily impressive—your kids won’t win a certificate for developing them—but they are essential to a well-lived life.

SEVEN FUNDAMENTAL CHALLENGES

All children face challenges growing up, but for bright children, concerns about achievement can eclipse and complicate “normal” developmental tasks. The chapters in this book highlight seven fundamental challenges:

1. Tempering perfectionism

2. Building connection

3. Managing sensitivity

4. Handling cooperation and competition

5. Dealing with authority

6. Developing motivation

7. Finding joy

These are the core issues that kids struggle with and parents worry about. Each of these issues involves children figuring out who they are, how they relate to others, and what achievement means to them. These are complex issues that call for deeply personal responses, but there are things you can do to help your child navigate them.

This book is solution-focused and filled with practical strategies that you can use today and continue to use as your child grows and develops. The strategies that we describe are doable in the course of everyday life. A lot of them involve conversations, explanations, or ways of responding to your child’s behavior.

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL YEARS

The examples and strategies described in the book focus on children approximately six to twelve years old. This age range covers the period when academic pressure starts, but the stakes aren’t yet so high. Children’s coping abilities can increase dramati­cally during these years. It’s a period of intense intellectual growth, during which children gain the ability to reason logically, understand cause and effect, and solve problems.

In elementary school, children begin to develop a stable sense of identity, and they tend to be less self-centered than younger children because they can understand that other people have different thoughts, feelings, and wants. They also begin to compare themselves to peers and to make judgments about their own relative competence. All of this means that this is a time when kids are ready and able to expand their social and emotional coping skills, and they are still young enough to be open to parental guidance. Taking steps to bolster coping skills during these early school years can equip children to deal with the stresses that lie ahead in high school and beyond.

REFLECTING ON YOUR OWN THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND EXPERIENCES

Chances are, if you have a bright kid, you’re pretty bright yourself, which means you’ll probably remember grappling with some of the issues we describe. Maybe you still struggle with them. Although this book is about supporting your child, it also offers an opportunity to reflect on your own experiences. What messages did you get about achievement from parents and teachers when you were a child? What have you found to be effective in managing multiple demands on your time? How do you relate to people who are less capable than you? How about those who are more capable than you? How do you cope when you make mistakes or things don’t go your way? What brings you a sense of satisfaction and contentment?

The issues that we discuss are lifelong challenges, not problems that people can deal with at age seven and be done. In each chapter, we have a section called “Show the Way” that describes how these issues play out in adulthood and what parents can do to address them in their own lives or to model effective coping for their children.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

There’s a wrong way and a right way to use this book. The wrong way is to view it as over two hundred pages of stuff you need to “fix” or “improve” about your child or a long list of even more things you ought to be doing, on top of everything else you’re doing, to be a good parent. The right way to use this book is as a resource to support your current efforts to raise a happy, healthy, productive, and kind child. Our goal is to provide you with a deeper understanding of how and why your child might struggle and to give you options for helping your child move forward. You may want to scan this book for the chapters or vignettes that are most relevant for your child. Read these sections and give yourself time to reflect on how they relate to your beliefs, values, and parenting challenges. Please view the strategies we suggest as possibilities rather than prescriptions, and use only those that make sense for you. Every child is unique, and nobody knows your child and your family better than you do.

It’s also important to take a long-term view. You can’t rush cognitive and emotional development. Kids grow at their own pace, and our role as parents is to support that growth, not force it. Although the book is filled with doable strategies, there are no gimmicks or quick fixes. Instead, the book focuses on ways you can communicate with, guide, and support your child. Throughout the book, we emphasize learning and growing, rather than performing.

THE COMPONENTS OF SMART PARENTING

Parenting involves a delicate balance. On the one hand, we need to cherish who our children are at this very moment. On the other hand, we need to support our children in moving forward. Achieving this balance requires four essential components of smart parenting:

1. A compassionate ability to view the world through our children’s eyes

2. The confidence to set judicious limits

3. A commitment to turn toward our children more often than away

4. Faith in our children’s ability to grow and learn

These four components underlie everything in this book.

Test scores and grades are good predictors of academic performance, but whether our children will be able to develop happy, productive, and fulfilling adult lives depends on much more than school smarts. All children need wise and caring guidance so they can develop the social and emotional skills that will serve as a foundation for everything they do. Our goal with this book is to support you in helping your kids develop internal tools so that they can pursue their passions, cope with difficulties, build relationships, and make what they wish of their lives. This book is about raising children rather than creating impressive products.

CHAPTER 1

TEMPERING PERFECTIONISM

What Is “Good Enough”?

Does your child

Fret and worry about minor mistakes?Focus on the one thing that’s wrong rather than everything that’s right?Act as his own worst critic?Make snap judgments and all-or-nothing pronouncements about whether she is “good at” some activity?Insist, “I’m so stupid” after making a mistake?Tend to make excuses and blame others for failings?Become teary or furious when some skill or activity doesn’t come easily?Often forgo sleep, relaxation, and time with others because there is “too much work to do”?Procrastinate about big projects?Have trouble letting go and finishing projects?

When children are very capable, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of perfectionism. Because they can do extremely well, they come to believe that they must do everything flawlessly. Because they have done extremely well, they conclude that they must always meet or surpass the highest standards. Their self-worth depends on it.

THE FEELINGS AND BELIEFS UNDERLYING PERFECTIONISM

On the surface, perfectionism seems like a work issue, but it’s really a relationship issue. Perfectionistic children (or adults) feel as though they live their lives on stage, in front of a harshly critical audience. The expectations stemming from their high abilities somehow become twisted and distorted into unyield­ing internal demands. When they fall short, perfectionistic children may respond with anger, tears, blame, or withdrawal, but fueling these reactions is an underlying sense of worthlessness. Perfectionists believe that their value lies not in who they are but in what they produce. In their hearts, perfectionists believe that love has to be earned and that nothing less than 100 percent will do.

Perfectionism Versus Healthy Striving

Researchers disagree about whether perfectionism is simply “too much of a good thing” or whether it’s completely separate from healthy ambition and a desire to do a good job. On the one hand, having high standards is associated with better performance. On the other hand, studies show that perfectionism is linked to depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, and various physical symptoms. The critical factor may be whether there’s a mismatch between expectations and self-evaluation: when kids believe that they must perform extremely well but also think they didn’t or can’t, they’re likely to feel bad about themselves and to respond with either hopeless withdrawal or desperate efforts to measure up.

We’re convinced, based on our clinical experience, that there’s a blurry but important line between healthy striving for excellence and unhealthy perfectionism. This distinction is easiest to see at an emotional level. Healthy striving feels hopeful, engaged, optimistic, energetic, and enjoyable. It requires effort, but that effort feels satisfying and voluntarily chosen, and the goals feel achievable. Perfectionism, in contrast, is driven by dread of humiliation and fear of failure. The effort seems forced, painful, and imposed rather than chosen—and it never ends. The goals are moving targets, and the performance could always be better. By anyone else’s standards, perfectionistic children may be performing extremely well, but it’s heartbreaking to hear the self-contempt they feel, as they struggle to meet their own impossible expectations. It’s this unhealthy form of perfectionism that we consider in this chapter.

The Lure and Pitfalls of Perfectionism

Rigid, unrelenting perfectionism makes people miserable, yet they cling to it. If your child has perfectionistic tendencies, it won’t be easy to temper them. Letting go of unrealistically high standards may seem like a sensible thing to do, but it’s terrifying for perfectionists. Despite the personal cost, striving to perform perfectly gives them a sense of control. They worry that if they let up an inch, their secret inadequacy will be exposed, they’ll never achieve anything, and they’ll earn the scorn or disappointment of others.

Grades, contests, rivalry with peers, and spoken or unspoken demands from teachers and parents can contribute to this all-or-nothing thinking. Smart kids get a lot of praise and recognition for performing perfectly. They don’t often hear, “Wow, you did a great job of setting sensible limits and refraining from overdoing.”

Sometimes the pressure to perform comes from inside. Bright children are often proud of their perfectionism, seeing it as central to who they are and what they’ve achieved. They would be ashamed to do a less than perfect job. Mistakes seem like personal failings and signs of a frightening loss of control. To perfectionists, the suffering that comes from striving to perform flawlessly seems necessary and unavoidable. They are convinced that perfectionism is desirable and the only path to success.

But the fact is that people generally achieve despite perfectionism, not because of it. Perfectionism can stifle output by leading to paralyzing procrastination that makes it hard to start, work on, or finish projects. It can waste energy when it causes children to worry, rather than take action. It often leads to excessive focus on trivial details. Perfectionism also kills creativity. When children are anxiously focused on judging the merit of their work and fretting about the possible reactions of their real or imagined audience, they are not free to invent, discover, or try new approaches.

Tempering Perfectionism

To make the most of their abilities, smart children need to embrace high standards but move beyond rigid perfectionism. They need to understand that it’s possible to be capable and accomplished without being perfectionistic. They need to learn to treat themselves with compassion and open their eyes to the possibility that relationships don’t have to be earned. In this chapter, we’ll describe some common scenarios involv­ing perfectionistic children and offer ideas about how you can help.

MICHAEL: FOCUSING ON FLAWS

“I blew it! I totally blew it!” Michael whispered, as he sat down next to his parents in the auditorium. He crumpled the program for the piano recital, wishing he could rip it into shreds.

“I think you did a wonderful job, honey,” his mother insisted.

“Are you kidding? I messed up the beginning of the second piece.” Michael blinked frantically, trying not to cry.

“You’re the only one who noticed. Didn’t you hear the applause?”

“They clap for everyone, Mom,” Michael insisted miserably. “They probably felt sorry for me. I’m just no good at piano. I’ve been practicing for weeks for this stupid recital, and I totally messed up. I’m never doing another piano recital as long as I live. Can we leave now?”

The only thing that Michael remembers about his performance is his mistake. It eclipses everything that came before or after. He’s also convinced that that’s all anyone else heard, so his mother’s praise feels empty and unbelievable.

Michael’s story is about a musical performance, but this kind of overfocusing on flaws can involve schoolwork, athletic events, or even social interactions. Perfectionistic children constantly and harshly critique their own behavior.

Magnifying Mistakes

If pressed, Michael would probably admit that he was not the only child to make a mistake during the piano recital. But somehow, although other children’s errors seem excusable or understandable, his own mistake feels humiliating. He sees it as proof of his inadequacy as a pianist. He cringes as he imagines his audience’s pity and disdain, and he longs to escape. In Michael’s view, the only possible and appropriate response to errors is to slink away alone in shame. For perfectionists like Michael, mistakes that other people would shrug off, or perhaps not even notice, fuel their vicious internal litany: “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m no good.”

The Slippery Slope Theory

Matt Stone, the cocreator of South Park, once remarked,

I remember being in sixth grade and I had to take the math test to get into Honors Math in the seventh grade. And they’re, like, “Don’t screw this up. Because if you screw this up, you won’t get into Honors Math in seventh grade. And if you don’t get in in seventh grade, you won’t in eighth grade, then not in ninth grade. And tenth and eleventh grade and you’ll just die poor and lonely.”

This seems laughable, yet it’s exactly what perfectionists fear—that a minor slipup now could irrevocably destroy all opportunities for future success and happiness.

Kids, by definition, lack perspective. No matter how smart they are, they just haven’t been around long enough or seen enough of the world to be able to understand events in any kind of broad context. The narrowness of their experience contri­butes to perfectionistic children’s “step off the path and it’s all over” fears.

Yes, it’s important to do well in school, but “do well” doesn’t have to mean performing flawlessly at all times. Research consistently shows that grades and test scores are not the whole story when it comes to predicting adult accomplishment. This is probably because adult job performance has nothing to do with taking multiple-choice tests and everything to do with being able to solve problems, adjust to changing circumstances, think critically, communicate effectively, work dependably, and get along with clients, colleagues, and bosses. These are the real lessons that your child needs to learn from school and from life.

The fact that your son got a bad grade on a fourth-grade math test doesn’t mean that he’s destined for a life of failure any more than the fact that your daughter liked to run around naked when she was two means that she’s destined for a career as an exotic dancer. Children are constantly growing, learning, and developing.

One of the most precious gifts that we can give our children is to share our confidence in their growth and their ability to surmount difficulties and move beyond disappointments. Believe in your child’s future. Convey your faith that even if there are some stumbles along the way, your child will find a path that’s right for him or her.

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD TEMPER SELF-CRITICISM

Children like Michael need to learn to temper their internal critic, so that their inner voice is inspiring rather than self-defeating. They need help managing their feelings of anxiety or disappointment, and they need to develop a more compassionate, multifaceted view of their work. Here are some ideas about how you can help.

Reflect but Downshift

When smart kids are convinced that they “totally messed up,” loving parents instinctively want to respond with reassurance. The problem is that the more we insist, “Oh, sweetie, of course you’re not stupid! How can you say such a thing? You know that’s not true!” the harder they argue the contrary.

A basic principle for working with children is to start by meeting them where they are. This means that if your child is upset about a perceived failure, you need to acknowledge that upset before you can help your child move on. Obviously you don’t want to agree with outrageous statements (“Yes, your life truly is over”), but you can help wrap feelings in words. Name feelings. Summarize facts. Describe wishes or fears. Offer affection. Your goal is to stay true to your child’s emotional reality while gently shifting the reaction in a less extreme direction. Here are some examples of how you might respond:

Child’s CommentParent’s Reflection“I totally blew it!”“You didn’t do as well as you’d hoped.”“I’m such an idiot!”“You’re feeling frustrated about your mistake.”“I’m no good!”“You’re disappointed.”“My life is over!”“You sure had a rough day.”“I’ll never be able to show my face in public!”“You’re worried about how they’ll react.”“I messed up!”“Do you need a hug?”

This strategy of reflecting but downshifting can help children see their feelings as more manageable. While children are emotionally wound up, they simply can’t hear reason, so hold off on any reassurances or suggestions. Just keep listening and reflecting until your child is in a calmer frame of mind.

Resist the Temptation to Offer Pointers

It’s natural for parents to want to share their wisdom with their children. Unfortunately, children under the age of thirty usually don’t respond well to this. Although our intent is to offer the benefit of our learning and experience, kids tend to hear our helpful tips as personal criticism and rejection. This is especially true when children are feeling vulnerable because they’re disappointed in their performance.

In general, it’s best to leave the teaching and coaching to your child’s teachers and coaches. It’s just less complicated, psychologically, for children to accept criticism from nonparents. Research suggests that children do better in school and feel happier when they perceive that their parents have high expectations for them in the sense of generally wanting them to do well, but chronic parental criticism is linked to anxiety, depression, and poor school outcomes. It’s painful for children to feel as though they can’t live up to their parents’ standards.

What if your child specifically asks you for feedback on a performance? Resist answering. This is a no-win situation for parents. If you say something good, your perfectionistic child will discount it; if you say something bad, your child will feel wounded. So give a hug and toss the question back. “You tell me. What were your favorite parts?” Be careful not to get sucked into arguing about your child’s evaluations. Either reflect (as described earlier) or respond with an interested but noncommittal “Hmm.”

If you must say something, stick to encouraging comments about process: “It looked like you were having fun.” “I could tell you were really concentrating.” “You were really trying hard.” You can also offer an affectionate comment like, “I always enjoy hearing [watching] you play.”

The temptation to offer pointers is especially great when children are working in fields where their parents excelled. Whether or not anyone acknowledges it, there is an underlying current of comparison and even competition when kids work in their parents’ talent areas. Kids wonder if they can measure up to their parents’ accomplishments. They may feel worthless if they fall short of their parents’ high levels of achievement, even if, objectively, their performance is excellent. Parents hope that their children will surpass what they have done. When parents are disappointed in their own accomplishments, there is a danger that they will consciously or unconsciously push their children to fulfill the parents’ own frustrated dreams.

A shared interest can be the basis of a wonderful bond between kids and parents, but only if parents can resist enter­ing the role of chief judge and critic. Never offer pointers immediately after a performance or test—children are just too vulnerable at that point. Concentrate on sharing your enjoyment and interest rather than your performance standards. If you do offer tips, make sure you do so in a casual way, in a relaxed setting. “I’ve found it helpful to …” “You might want to try …” Keep a close eye on your child’s emotional reaction. If your child seems interested and encouraged, you’re doing fine. If you sense your child becoming upset, say “Let’s take a break” or even “Why don’t you talk to your teacher [coach] about that?”

Identify What Went Right

Perfectionistic children tend to be black-and-white thinkers: either something is perfect or it’s worthless. Helping your child recognize partial success can ease some of the sting that comes when they fall short of perfection.

Talk with your child to come up with a list of qualities that make up a good performance. For instance, a fine musical performance could involve

Having the courage to get up on stagePlaying the notes without errorGetting all the way to the end of the piece without stoppingPhrasing the melodies correctlyUsing changes in volume or tone to highlight melodiesCoordinating with other musiciansConveying the emotional feel of a piece

A fine work of nonfiction writing could involve

Accurate spellingCorrect grammarClear organizationUse of transitionsPrecise or intriguing word choiceCompelling argumentsNatural, readable phrasing

Your goal is to come up with a bunch of criteria so that your child can gain a multifaceted view of the performance. Be sure to “stack the deck” so that most of the criteria are things that your child does well and only one or two pertain to areas of difficulty.

Tell your child, “It’s true that recognizing and correcting mistakes are important parts of improving performance, but so is recognizing what went right. You need to acknowledge the things you did well, so that you can continue to do them.”

KIRSTEN: DEFLECTING BLAME

“My math teacher is a complete idiot!” Kirsten snarled as she flung her backpack down. “I don’t know why they even let her teach! I mean, could they find anyone stupider? I hate her stupid voice. She talks to us like we’re kindergartners. And she’s so boring. Plus, she dresses like a flight attendant, and she has a really big butt.”

“Did something happen in math class today?” Kirsten’s mom asked cautiously.

“She’s such an idiot! Mrs. Warner gave us a test, and it was all on stuff that she didn’t even cover in class. She’s so unfair!”

“Well, how badly did you do?”

“I did terribly. It’s the worst grade I’ve gotten this whole year. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did you fail the test?”

“Just about!”

“What did you get?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Kirsten, show me the test.”

“Fine, but then I’m going to burn it.”

“It’s a B! That’s not so bad!”

“Yes it is. Only stupid people get B’s. It’s not fair!” Kirsten burst into tears and ran up to her room.

Kirsten rants about the teacher. She bemoans the unfairness of the test. This is all just noise to cover up the fact that, for her, a B feels like a personal failure.

Lashing Out in Response to Failure

Like Michael in the first story, Kirsten is intolerant of her own mistakes, but instead of responding with self-criticism and withdrawal, her first impulse is to lash out. Her angry, defensive accusations are a short-lived attempt to cover up the fact that she feels very, very bad about herself.

The challenge for Kirsten’s mom is to avoid being diverted by her daughter’s anger. Kirsten is looking for a fight. There’s a natural temptation to meet anger with anger, but for now, Kirsten’s mom needs to bite her tongue. This is not the time to confront Kirsten about her outrageously rude comments or her annoying tendency to blame others for her mistakes. Kirsten is spewing venom, looking for a target for her frustration and dis­appointment. If Kirsten’s mom tries to address the rudeness now, Kirsten is likely to respond by blaming her mother for her difficulties. Until she calms down, Kirsten just isn’t capable of thinking clearly about the situation or responding in any kind of productive way.

Avoiding Getting Pulled into the Fight

It would be counterproductive for Kirsten’s mom to join her daughter in raging at the teacher and the unfairness of the situation. Although this might seem like a supportive response, it actually hurts Kirsten because it validates her excuses and prevents her from taking responsibility for her actions.

Even if Kirsten’s complaints about the test have some validity, it would be a mistake for Kirsten’s mother to call and angrily demand that the teacher change Kirsten’s grade. Complaining about a grade comes across as disrespectful and intrusive, and it’s sure to antagonize the teacher. It also shifts responsibility for the unsatisfactory performance away from where it belongs—with the child. What’s more, it completely misses the point. In the long run, the fact that Kirsten got a B on a test when she was a kid has absolutely no significance, but her ability to cope effectively with disappointment will be relevant throughout her life. Save your advocacy efforts for the more serious or ongoing issues that are beyond your child’s ability to handle.

Kirsten’s mom should also think carefully about how she usually responds to her daughter’s mistakes. Harsh responses to children’s errors can fuel perfectionism. Sometimes bright children have emotional outbursts in an effort to head off their parents’ intense displeasure. At some level, these children think that if they are already upset, then their parents won’t scold or punish them, or their parents’ disappointment will be diverted away from them and toward the teacher.

STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CHILD RESPOND TO MISTAKES PRODUCTIVELY

Children like Kirsten need help learning to tolerate the hurt and disappointment behind their anger. They also need to develop more adaptive ways of responding to setbacks. Here are some ways you can help your child see mistakes as manageable.

Highlight the Learning Zone

Bright children often hear, “Mistakes are part of learning,” but, in general, they don’t believe this. Perfectionistic kids are convinced that mistakes should be avoided at all costs. Helping them understand more about the learning process can alleviate some of their anxiety and dread about mistakes.

Show your child the diagram here, and explain, “This is a picture of how you learn.” The vertical arrows show difficulty—higher up means harder problems. The left column shows the starting point. The lower rectangle, filled with check marks, is the mastery zone. That’s the easy stuff that your child knows well and gets right every time. The upper rectangle, filled with X’s, is the undeveloped zone. That’s the stuff that’s too hard. Your child just hasn’t developed the ability to do these tasks yet. The most important part of the graph is the center rectangle, the learning zone. This rectangle is filled with both checks and X’s, to reflect both right and wrong answers, because your child can do some, but not all, of the tasks at this level.

Explain to your child that kids who stick to the mastery zone are playing it safe. They never make mistakes, but they also never learn.

Kids who are brave enough to work in the learning zone are going to make mistakes. But that’s okay, because through study and practice, they’re going to learn from those mistakes.

They’ll figure out how to turn all those X’s into checks. They’ll move over to the column on the right, which shows an expanded mastery zone and a new, higher-level learning zone.

Tell your child, “To learn, you have to be brave enough to make mistakes.” When your child comes home with red marks on a school paper, say, “It looks like you’re in the learning zone. Have you figured out yet how to fix the mistakes?”

Don’t Correct Your Child’s Work

Parents of bright children tend to be very conscientious. They are strongly invested in doing a good job as parents. They want to do everything they can to help their children succeed. But sometimes the best thing a parent can do is to take a giant step back.

Don’t correct your child’s work. This advice runs counter to what you might expect and to what you probably see most parents doing. But we believe it’s one of the most important things you can do to benefit your child in the long run.

Parents who are actively involved with their children’s homework every night, or who check over their children’s work before they turn it in, are establishing a dangerous pattern. First, they’re creating confusion about whose responsibility the homework really is. Second, they’re cutting off essential feedback that teachers need about what children do or don’t understand on their own. Third, they’re unwittingly criticizing their children’s abilities, implying that what their kids can do alone isn’t good enough to be seen in public. Parents who correct their children’s homework are trying to be helpful, but they’re unintentionally communicating to their children that mistakes are intolerable and must be hidden. This can be particularly harmful for perfectionistic children.

If you’re in the habit of correcting your child’s work, it may be hard to refrain from doing so. You may feel (and your child may argue!) that you’re abandoning your child. You may worry that the teacher will think you’re a bad parent for letting your child turn in less-than-perfect work. You may feel embarrassed at back-to-school night, when your child’s sugar cube sculpture looks like (and was!) the work of a third grader, whereas many classmates’ projects look like (and were!) the work of professional engineers. These feelings are understandable, but try to take a long-term perspective. Whatever short-term pain might be involved now in changing this pattern of schoolwork overinvolvement is worthwhile in the long run. It’s an investment in your child’s future coping abilities.

Children need to take responsibility for their own learning. They need to experience that the world won’t end if they make a mistake. Allowing children to experience and overcome many small failures leads to real learning and resilience. And when they do well, the victory will be sweeter and more satisfying if they know they did it all by themselves.

The phenomenon of parental involvement with homework is fairly recent. Most of us grew up with parents who expected us to do our homework by ourselves. Yet parents today have somehow gotten the idea that to be a good, supportive parent, they need to actually sit down and do homework with their children. Often this doesn’t go well. One of the most frequent complaints that we hear from the families we work with is frustration about the tension surrounding homework time. In general, our recommendation is that parents do less so that more of the onus falls on their children.

Does this mean you should never do anything to help your child with homework? Not necessarily, although most of the time having no parental involvement with homework is perfectly fine and even desirable. If you do help, the key is to make sure that your child retains ownership of the work. Providing structure and limits for children, such as a rule that there’s no TV until homework is done, is often helpful and sometimes essential. Kids with attentional issues may do better doing their homework in the dining room or kitchen, where an adult is nearby, rather than disappearing into their room, where the temptation to do other things is too high. But even with these kids, hovering or sitting next to them is likely to create unnecessary and unproductive tension. An occasional one-word reminder, “Focus!” is likely to work better.

When your child is about to start a big project, you can offer various ideas (“How about writing about the Japanese internment or the Tuskegee airmen?”) or suggest possible approaches (“Do you want to use Model Magic or papier-mâché for the diorama?”), but avoid physically touching the work. If your child doesn’t understand the instructions on a worksheet or doesn’t know how to do a math problem, you can explain, but let your child come to you asking for help; don’t offer help before it’s needed.

If your child likes to review spelling words aloud with you, that’s fine, but again, let your child come to you. What if your child doesn’t remember to study and does poorly on a test? Well, that’s an important life lesson for your child about re­sponsibility. Next time your child can make a better choice. You can also help your child come up with a more effective study plan.

Written assignments can easily lead to overdoing parental help. Ask your child’s teacher whether you should even read your child’s papers before they are handed in. The teacher may prefer that you do nothing, or the teacher may appreciate your helping your child with spelling or organization. If you do get involved, stick to consulting and let your child do any revising. Point out the misspelled words, but let your child fix them. Ask questions (“What are your three main points?” “What is your topic sentence?”) rather than give answers. Make general comments (“I’m having trouble following you here”; “This seems like it fits better with your earlier point”), but don’t rewrite anything. Also, don’t read the books or articles that your child is using as a basis for the paper. This ensures that your child is the expert on the topic, rather than you.

Although it may make you uncomfortable to let your child turn in less-than-perfect work, when you refrain from fixing the mistakes, you send your child a powerful message about acceptance and bravery and love.