Social Courage E-Book

Dr. Eric Goodman

• Herausgeber: WS
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Serie: Coping and thriving with the reality of social anxiety
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 289

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Beschreibung

Whether you are struggling with social anxiety of phobic proportions or are just held back when it comes to public speaking or meeting specific social goals, Social Courage offers help with its step-by-step program that draws from a range of therapeutic approaches. Packed with practical exercises and case studies, it will teach you to thrive in social settings, from friendships, to romance, to career advancement. Break the pattern of anxiety and make the most of your life and your relationships!

Leseprobe

Social

COURAGE

Coping and thriving with the reality of social anxiety

Dr. Eric Goodman, Ph.D.

To my spouse, Anya, and our children, Alex, Jessie, and Lana.

And to the family who, in their time of trauma and sorrow, gave me the gift of a kidney and a new life.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction: Welcome to Social Courage

… Now, let’s get to work!

Chapter 1: Social Anxiety Is Normal

Learn where social anxiety comes from and assess its impact on your life

Chapter 2: When Normal Anxiety Turns Phobic

Free yourself from the phobic cycle by understanding anxiety's secret rules

Chapter 3: Introduction to Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy 2.0

How ancient wisdom with a modern approach can benefit you

Chapter 4: Brain Noise

Core skills for coping with socially anxious thoughts and beliefs

Chapter 5: Clean vs. Dirty Social Discomfort

How to stop fighting your feelings and move forward with your life

Chapter 6: Leaving Your Social Comfort Zone

Disregarding the siren call of avoidance

Chapter 7: Troubleshooting Social Anxiety

Dealing with setbacks and obstacles you may encounter along the way

The Courage to Be Human

Final Thoughts on Social Courage

Acknowledgments

Bibliography and Related Recommended Readings

Index

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Social Courage

... Now, let's get to work!

If you are reading this book because you wish for social anxiety to no longer hold you back, then congratulations and welcome!

Reader, what are your thoughts about your social anxiety?

You may be thinking some of the following:

•Other people don't have to live with social anxiety on a regular basis, so why do I?

•Other people manage to get rid of their social anxiety, so why can't I?

•Social anxiety is a disease which this book should help me cure!

•Unless I eradicate my social anxiety, I will never achieve my social goals!

What if these thoughts were simply brain-noise? What if you no longer mistook these thoughts for facts? What if you are more than the sum of these thoughts? What if you no longer had to live your life based on this type of grumbling in your brain?

Most people who feel trapped by shyness or social anxiety will settle with the status quo and never seek help, be it from a knowledgeable therapist or from finding a scientifically based self-guided program and tackling it on their own. No, most people will go on suffering in silence and simply not have their social needs met. By reading this book you are taking a big step toward freedom from being controlled by anxiety. You are taking a step toward social courage.

WHAT IS SOCIAL COURAGE?

"Courage" is not a lack of fear. Courage, as that old cowboy John Wayne once said, is being afraid and saddling up anyway. "Social Courage" involves moving toward your social goals with your anxiety rather than waiting for the magical day when anxiety will vanish forever.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you are destined to suffer from social anxiety for the rest of your life. In this book you will learn tools for coping with socially anxious thoughts and feelings. What I am saying is that shyness and social anxiety are normal human experiences and that almost everyone experiences them to some degree in some situations.

What this book is NOT

Unlike many self-help books, I am not going to make unrealistic promises. I am not going to tell you that in ten weeks, your anxiety will be "cured"—or that, in those situations where you really wish you had zero social anxiety, you will have none. Social anxiety is a normal human experience—not a disease in need of a cure.

The purpose of this book

People who are struggling with high levels of social anxiety are typically stuck in a pattern that gives the anxiety power and control. I'd like for you to learn about this pattern so you can break it. I'd like for you to get unstuck and move forward with what is truly important to you. In short, I'd like for you to get free.

Freedom means accepting social anxiety as a normal human experience rather than an all-powerful force that can impose limits on you. Social anxiety has only as much power as you are willing to surrender to it.

The second main goal I have for you is to learn tools to help you minimize the sense of suffering that you experience while living with the reality of social anxiety. "Discomfort" in life is mandatory for us all. "Suffering" is something that people can take steps to minimize. It requires, however, a willingness to embrace, at least initially, even high levels of social discomfort. This is the most challenging part because it is counterintuitive. Instead of moving away from discomfort, which on the surface may feel reasonable, you must begin to move toward it—and with open arms.

It is my hope that this book can help you get free to pursue your social goals and minimize your suffering in the process. It won't take away all of your social anxiety ... and that's actually a good thing! Now, before we get started, let's set some ground rules.

SOCIAL COURAGE GROUND RULES

1. Make this a priority

As this is a self-help book, it is up to you whether you read it or not and whether you do the exercises or not. You get out of this only what you put into it. What you put into it will directly relate to the priority in your life that you give it. You are free to stick with the status quo and not rock the boat. It will certainly be the more comfortable choice in the short term. Or, you could embrace the added discomfort of change in the short term so that you can win your freedom over the long term.

2. Consider making a "public" commitment

If you let someone know you are going to do something, then you are more likely to follow through. Tell someone you trust that you are taking concrete steps to move toward your social goals. This could be anyone, such as a parent, friend, spiritual advisor, therapist, or sibling ... someone who will encourage rather than discourage you!

3. Follow the program in order

The material starts with the basics and builds up from there. I'd encourage you to go in order so that the foundational skills are in place. You certainly can skim or read the entire book first, but when it comes to implementing the program, I'd encourage you to start from the beginning and work up.

4. Go at your own pace ... but go

You can go at whatever intensity level you'd like.

Working at a moderate pace, for most people, tends to lead to steady results that don't feel overwhelming. You certainly could progress through the challenges much more quickly and, if you manage to stick it out, make faster gains. Progressing through the program at a snail's pace will likely translate to gains at a snail's pace, but this is still movement in the right direction. It's your call.

5. Be consistent

Just keep at it, preferably doing some practice every day. Typically, it does not have to be a long practice, but just keep up with it. Any new thing worth doing is difficult at first, whether it is playing an instrument, learning a language, or changing your approach to social anxiety. It is new, awkward, and uncomfortable at times, but with a lot of practice, it gets easier!

6. Be imperfect

If you get bogged down in perfectionism (we will talk about this at length later in the book) you are defeating the purpose of the Social Courage program and will likely stay stuck. We are an imperfect species and the sooner you can embrace this, the sooner you will have more social freedom.

7. Ask yourself if the time is right

If you are in a crisis unrelated to social anxiety, feeling suicidal, have an active substance abuse problem, or have mental health or medical issues that need to be addressed, first seek appropriate professional help. You can read the book to see that there is hope for your social anxiety, but prioritize getting your life stabilized and then tackle the social anxiety with renewed vigor.

8. Be flexible

The tools presented in this book are taken from research demonstrating their effectiveness. These tools, which include acceptance, defusion, cognitive restructuring, compassion-focused interventions, and various behavior change strategies, have all been shown to be helpful. However, everyone is different.

Some tools may be particularly effective for you and others less so. Give them all a fair try and notice the ones that are most effective for helping you achieve your social goals while minimizing your suffering. In other words, if something is getting you where you want to go—do more of that rather than feeling like you need to have an equal emphasis on each tool.

Eileen

Eileen lived alone after her husband of forty years passed away. He was a gregarious man with many friends he met and maintained through his various social and charitable activities. Eileen had met her social needs through her husband and parenting their three children, who had since grown up and moved away to other parts of the country. She had never been one to put herself out there socially. She avoided social situations because she blushed at times and was terribly self-conscious about what people thought of her when they saw the crimson flush settle across her face.

PROGRAM OVERVIEW

Chapter 1 and Self-Assessment: Social Anxiety Is Normal

This provides you the opportunity to look at areas in your life negatively impacted by social anxiety or social avoidance. You have a huge decision to make—do you continue with things as they are, or do you change things in a way that moves you toward your social goals? After taking the assessment, if you decide to keep things as they are, then so be it. However, if you decide that social anxiety has exerted too much control over your life, you can take steps to propel yourself forward.

Chapter 2: When Normal Anxiety Turns Phobic

There is normal social anxiety and there is phobic social anxiety. Before taking action, you can learn about coping with normal anxiety while minimizing the disordered type. You can begin to understand the patterns and traps that lead to disordered anxiety in order to get unstuck and choose a new direction. You will learn how social anxiety impacts your (1) thoughts and beliefs, (2) emotional responses to social situations, and (3) your patterns of social behavior and avoidance. This will allow you to make a personalized strategy for coping with social anxiety while progressing toward your social goals.

Chapters 3–4: CBT 2.0 and Brain Noise

The mind can be a noisy place when you are feeling socially anxious. These chapters will help you learn ways to respond to this "brain noise" that will put it in perspective and limit its power to control you. Sometimes socially anxious beliefs can be directly challenged or altered. Other times it is a matter of learning to let the noise play on in the background while you avoid getting hooked by the content of unhelpful thoughts.

Chapter 5: Clean vs. Dirty Social Discomfort

The most unhelpful things you can do when feeling socially anxious are to try to force the feeling to go away or to get mad at yourself for simply having those feelings in the first place. Instead, you will learn strategies to help keep the socially anxious feelings from getting in the way of achieving your social goals. Additionally, you will learn ways to cope with those feelings that are present while minimizing suffering in the face of those feelings.

Chapter 6: Leaving Your Social Comfort Zone

Certain behaviors increase social anxiety and inhibit your life. You will learn to behave in ways that move you forward toward your social goals. This involves experimenting with new behaviors that challenge incorrect social beliefs, engaging in social exposures in order to practice coping effectively and building up your "social anxiety tolerance muscles," and identifying and moving toward your social goals step by step.

Chapter 7: Troubleshooting Social Anxiety

Finally, you will read about common ways people get stuck on their road toward Social Courage. Then it will be up to you to decide whether to press forward—one step at a time—understanding that you will stumble at times. You can learn from those stumbles and keep moving forward. In the end, no book, therapist, guru, or deity can transform your life if you are not willing to place one foot in front of the other.

This books aims to serve as a map to finding greater social freedom and I encourage you to take this journey. Go at your own pace ... but go.

1

Social Anxiety Is Normal

Learn where social anxiety comes from and assess its impact on your life

Ethan

In his younger years, Ethan had completed two tours of duty in the Marines. He was battle-hardened and tough-as-nails ... except when it came to public speaking.

Now he found himself in a large, tightly packed room, getting called up on stage to accept an award in front of three hundred of his fellow small-business owners. He felt paralyzed with worry.

What if I open my mouth to give my speech and nothing comes out?

What if my legs don't stop shaking?

What if I blush—or worse, cry?

He had managed to stay away from public speaking in the past. In high school, he always chose to write a paper rather than do a class presentation. In college, he'd carefully selected the courses and professors that did not require public speaking.

Now it was unavoidable. The host of the event had just called him up on stage, and the spotlight and all eyes were pointed directly at him. Heart pounding and mouth and throat bone-dry, he tightly gripped his note cards and slowly marched up to the stage.

It was time!

Social anxiety is normal. It's not just you and it is neither your fault nor a sign of weakness.

If you are human, it is safe to assume that you, at times, experience social anxiety. You may feel that social anxiety makes you wrong, broken, or defective. Instead, I'd like for you to think of social anxiety as your birthright. Rather than it setting you apart from your fellow humans, it is actually something that ties you together within the broader human race.

Social discomfort, to some degree in some situations, is normal. In my entire life, I have met only one person with zero social anxiety. Let me tell you about him.

Carl

Carl was a fascinating middle-aged man that I had the pleasure of meeting when I was training to be a psychologist. He did not care in the least what other people thought about him. As a result of his genuine lack of concern about social rejection, he had absolutely no social anxiety whatsoever. He simply did not care.

Carl lived alone in a tiny apartment in Boston. He never pursued a career. He had no desire to impress people with the typical gadgets, trinkets, and doodads that most of us work hard to accumulate. He didn't care. He owned one ripped, gray T-shirt that he wore daily and never washed. So what! He couldn't smell the stink anymore and certainly didn't think about other's judgments. He didn't care. He owned one pair of pants, a matching pair of ripped grey sweat pants. When he was out and about and felt the call of nature, he'd simply pee in his pants. After all, who did he have to impress? He did not care.

This is what zero social anxiety looks like.

Do you still want to completely get rid of your social anxiety? Would you trade places with Carl if it meant you would have zero social anxiety for the rest of your life?

No? Me neither. Social anxiety is part of the cost we pay for being part of a human community.

Social anxiety is only considered a problem if it:

1.negatively interferes with your social or life goals or activities.

2.causes excessive suffering.

If social anxiety, for example, were to prevent you from getting up on stage and performing a Broadway musical in front of a thousand people, this is only a problem if you are a professional performer who passionately wishes to be able to get up on stage and perform. The terror of getting up on stage and prancing around dressed like a cat while singing your heart out is not problematic if you are just an audience member attending the performance. If you cannot attend the show because of fears of being in the crowd, however, and you would love to be able to subject your spouse to an evening of singing felines, then it might just be a problem.

The thought of bungee jumping terrifies me. My fear of plummeting from a high bridge toward the rocky ground below while trusting my safety to a glorified rubber band wrapped around my ankle, however, only earns the status of a "problem" if my life's ambition is to take a job as a bungee instructor (which probably has its ups and downs).

BREAKING NEWS: SOCIAL ANXIETY IS NO LONGER A DISEASE!

Yes, that's right. Social anxiety, shyness, and even introversion are not diseases. In fact, they are perfectly normal human experiences.

Much of my professional life, however, is spent working with teens and adults who are extremely concerned about their social anxiety. Most of them are wishing for the day when their anxiety leaves them in peace so that they can carry on with life. They are waiting until it feels comfortable and anxiety-free to venture out into the world of friendship, job interviews, dating, and so forth.

They are waiting for a day that is likely never going to come. Social anxiety is normal.

As children, we go through a period of very intense stranger anxiety, where we "shy away" from all but those adults with whom we have learned to be comfortable over time. Long lost Aunt Bertha would come for a holiday visit, see us, and dive right in, ready to smother us with hugs and kisses. What did we (and countless other little ones) tend to do in the face of such an intimidating onslaught? We likely latched onto our parent's legs and looked away ... occasionally sneaking peeks to see if the threat had vanished. In fact, mental health professionals are often more concerned when young children display no social hesitation in the presence of new adults.

But isn't that supposed to go away when you get older?

While most of us do feel less socially anxious as we get older, almost all of us remain socially hesitant or downright uncomfortable in at least some situations. It is a normal reaction and, to some degree, may even be necessary for living in a community of fellow humans. (Remember Carl?)

If you look at social anxiety as simply consisting of the expected presence of prickly feelings and thoughts, at least to some degree in certain social situations, maybe it does not need to seem like such a powerful and malevolent force. Rather than seeing social anxiety as a demon haunting you, perhaps you could begin to see it as a lifelong, albeit occasionally annoying, companion in life. This companion has no real power to hurt you, though your response to anxiety can make things go from normal anxiety to phobic anxiety.

SELF-ASSESSMENT

Without the pressure that you have to show this to anyone, take a few minutes and complete a self-assessment of the impact social anxiety has on your life (though we'll learn later in the book that it is really the struggle against social anxiety that causes the problems).

Below are some common social challenges and situations. These include both interpersonal experiences (tasks involving interacting with other people) and performance-based experiences (tasks where you feel like you are "in the spotlight"). Some people are highly triggered by only a few of the activities while others may be triggered by many.

As you look over the list, think about the following:

•Which activities or situations do you feel limited from participating in, at least some of the time, due to social anxiety?

•In which situations do you experience excessive suffering due to social anxiety?

•If you have never attempted these activities, imagine if you had the opportunity to attempt them.

•Also, imagine that for each of these activities, you had to be completely sober and not rely on specific friends, family, or objects (for example, staring at your cell phone at a party) to comfort you during the activities.

Check all that apply to you.

Interpersonal Situations

Anxiety Interferes

Meeting new people

Making friends

Deepening or maintaining friendships

Dating

Deepening or maintaining a romantic relationship

Going to a party

Hosting a party

Making small talk

Disagreeing with someone

Directly asking for what I want

Saying "no" to people when you want to

Talking to your boss, teacher, other "authority figures"

Attending a job interview

Talking on the phone

Talking to people I know only a little or not at all

Inconveniencing others

Asking for a favor

Making eye contact

Self-disclosure

Other interpersonal situations that are triggers for me:

Performance Situations

Public speaking

Speaking up in class or in a meeting

Exercising in public

Using public restrooms

Showing up to places late

Taking a test

Being observed while working, writing, or eating

Making a mistake (for example, giving a wrong answer, dropping or spilling something, tripping, or mispronouncing a word)

Introducing yourself to others in a group

Telling a joke

Other performance situations that are triggers for me:

IS YOUR SOCIAL ANXIETY A PROBLEM?

No one but you can honestly answer that question. It is easy, however, to fool yourself into settling for less in life in order to avoid social anxiety triggers. Rather than venturing out into uncomfortable social situations (and poking the social anxiety bear in the process) you might try to convince yourself that you are happier or better off without dating, friendships, and so forth—but are you only trying to fool yourself?

Social anxiety is a problem when it interferes with your life—when it calls the shots instead of you. When social anxiety robs you of your ability to do what you really want to do and it makes you suffer—then you are likely dealing with a condition known as Social Anxiety Disorder, which essentially is phobic social anxiety.

People can experience phobic social anxiety in just one or two areas such as public speaking or dating. Others experience phobic social anxiety as a more general fear of rejection from other people in many situations.

EXERCISE: What is the true impact of your social anxiety on your life?

Take a moment and write down all of the things that social anxiety has taken from you. How has it impacted (or prevented) relationships (family, friends, romantic interests, coworkers, and so on), education or career, fun, and freedom in your life? Please be specific—and honest with yourself!

How has social anxiety limited you in your life? What other areas of your life does social anxiety negatively impact? What might you miss out on in the future if nothing changes?

Another way to think about this is to imagine that you woke up tomorrow and magically your social anxiety no longer held you back in any way. How would your life be better? What activities would you then choose to do that you are not currently doing?

Remember, this is just between you and this book, so be honest with yourself. No one else has to know.

If you have given an honest assessment of the impact of social anxiety on your life, you may have accumulated quite a list. It might make you feel sad or frustrated just to look at it.

Preston

Preston was both a top-notch Silicon-Valley computer-programmer and gaming max-level Mega-Wizard. Technology, computers, and fantasy had been his entire life—and he got paid well for doing what he loved. His life outside of his computer screen, however, was minimal at best. While quite popular among members of his online gaming group, a motley band of elves and orcs, he had no friends outside of that group. He had never been to a party that was not a family event, and had yet to date. He had always assumed that if he worked hard in college and got a high-paying job, friendship and romance would somehow follow. Eight years later, it still hadn't.

The weekend of his brother's wedding was a real wakeup call. He felt painfully awkward and nervous meeting and interacting with so many people at the various functions. On top of that, he found himself uncomfortably jealous of his brother's social and romantic success.

Then the worst thing he could think of happened— during the wedding party, he was suddenly pulled up on stage by his tipsy mom who grabbed the microphone, introduced him as the "groom's brother who would like to make a speech!". She handed him the microphone, the room went silent, and the spotlight was upon him. Panicked, he managed to squeak out a few terrified words and fled the stage quickly, then hid in his hotel room the rest of the evening. Something definitely had to change!

Here's the list Preston made that lonely Saturday night.

The Impact of Social Anxiety on My Life:

•I don't have any close friends

•I have never dated

•I don't do a lot of fun things offline

•I can't public speak (and that will greatly limit my career progress)

•I don't go to the gym anymore because I'm worried what people there will think of me

•I don't go out to restaurants

•I don't travel

•I'm drifting further apart from my family

•I feel very lonely

You can learn to cope and thrive with social anxiety ... even though you may not believe it to be possible!

If you are like many people whose lives have been limited by social anxiety for a long time (maybe your whole life), you may not believe things can improve. I imagine that many of the people reading this book on some level are doubtful that the words on these pages could possibly offer anything that could truly help make their lives better. I'm going to ask you to set that belief aside for a bit and do the best you can to read on with an open mind. Just let that old belief be in the background without clinging to it for now. You can choose to reconnect with the "nothing-could-possibly-help thought" any time you wish.

TURNING PROBLEMS INTO GOALS

Just imagine for a moment: What if things could improve? I'd like you to try to open up to that idea for a moment. What if social anxiety no longer had the power to stop you from doing what you want? What if you could pursue your social goals and not be tortured by anxiety in the process? How would your life be different?

Review the list you just made of the ways in which social anxiety negatively impacts your life. Let's turn this around. What if these became your new goals?

Preston's List of Problems into Goals:

The Impact of Social Anxiety on My Life

My Goals

I don't have any close friends

I will take steps toward making new friends and deepening my relationships with work colleagues

I have never dated

I will take steps toward dating

I don't do a lot of fun things offline

I will plan at least one fun (and social) event each week

I can't public speak

I will learn and practice public speaking skills

I don't go to the gym anymore because I'm worried what people there will think of me

I will renew my gym membership and exercise there three times a week

I don't go out to restaurants

I will go out to eat at least once a week

I don't travel

I will take at least two trips each year

I'm drifting further apart from my family

I will call my parents and brother once per week and visit them during the holidays

I feel very lonely

I will take small steps daily toward my social goals

Notice that Preston is setting realistic goals that are amenable to breaking down into concrete steps and relying on his own actions and decision-making. He has control over whether he puts in the work needed to obtain these goals.

Goals that are less realistic would include items such as: I'll ...

... become an extroverted life-of-the-party who is adored by all

... have supermodels battling for my affection

... have the highest paying job in the world, but only work every other Tuesday

And equally implausible:

... I'll be perfectly comfortable in every social situation While anything is possible, I would recommend focusing on more realistic goals—those that you have some control over obtaining.

EXERCISE: Now it is your turn. Take each of the items that social anxiety is negatively impacting and change them into realistic goals to work toward.

My Goals

The Impact of Social Anxiety on My Life

My Goals

Am I willing to go on this journey? Is it worth it?

Even though it looks more hopeful to see a list of goals than problems, it still may seem quite daunting to take on social anxiety in order to achieve these goals.

Making any changes in life can be challenging. There is always the alluring siren call of the status quo gently lulling us into complacency. Learning to move toward uncomfortable social situations that may not only seem challenging, but truly scary at times, really gets those sirens singing. Those anxiety sirens would probably like you to put this book down right now; surely there is an e-mail to be checked or a show to be binge-watched. Anxiety certainly doesn't want you to rock the boat!

So, the key question for you right now is:

If it were possible for you to achieve your social goals, would it be worth it for you to work hard in order to earn those rewards? It is important to understand that I am also talking about increasing your social risk. There is no courage without risk. Staying home alone night after night wrapped in a blanket of distraction and complacency will surely minimize your social risk. Likewise, however, it will minimize your social rewards in life. Will you choose to go down the road of courage or complacency?

Are you willing to not only work hard, but also increase your social risk if it means achieving your goals?

If your answer is YES:

Plan on spending some time every day continuing with this book and working toward your goals. The first step will be to learn more about social anxiety disorder and how to more peacefully coexist with normal social anxiety while discarding the "disordered" part.

If your answer is NO:

There are many reasons why you might say no. Perhaps there is something else in your life more pressing right now (depression, illness, addictions, relationship crisis or abuse, final exams, and so on). That is okay—address what you need to and then you can rethink your goals at a later time. You can still continue to read this book and get a better understanding of what increasing your social courage would look like. You might even decide to move toward your social goals, but at a significantly slower pace. That's okay too. It's your life and only you can set your own priorities. Perhaps progressing at a slower pace now will lead to faster momentum later on. It is okay to simply dip your toes into the pool of social courage, moving forward very slowly, while understanding that gains will likely be at a snail's pace until you decide to invest yourself further into your own forward momentum.

WHY WE EXPERIENCE SOCIAL ANXIETY

Bob and His Brain

Bob took his brain for a walk with him one cool fall afternoon. His brain chatted pleasantly with him about the delicious cup of coffee they were consuming when suddenly they saw someone walking toward them. "Is that person a threat?" his brain vigilantly inquired. As the person neared and Bob's brain got a closer look, he realized that danger was unlikely. They went back to enjoying the coffee and the pleasant chirping of the birds overhead. As a small group of teens walked in his direction, his brain once again jumped to attention and demanded to know, "Are those people threats?" As the group walked on by, the threat level rapidly diminished. And so Bob and his brain continued on their journey, Bob enjoying his coffee and the sunny afternoon while his brain did what it thought best in order to keep them both alive.

When I explain that social anxiety is normal, I am often asked why we experience so much of it. People want to know, "Where does it come from?"—hoping that by understanding its origins, it will make facing social challenges easier.

There are many reasons why you experience social anxiety in the normal course of human interactions. Is it nature or nurture, hardware or software, biology or bullies, temperament or teaching? Yes, all the above!

Let's start at the beginning.

Ancestral Inheritance

Early humans and pre-humans lived in very dangerous times. They existed in small tribes and spent their time hunting and gathering food, while avoiding becoming the food of other wild animals that would frequently hunt them. Resources could be scarce and members of other tribes were willing to kill in order to acquire those precious resources for their tribes. If you wandered off during a hunt and happened upon a hunter from another tribe, it was often a kill-or-be-killed situation. Strangers were in fact very dangerous. Coming across a member of another tribe would have naturally triggered a fight-or-flight response and all of the panicked dread that comes with that. Fear of strangers would have been life preserving.

In your own small tribe, your options for mates would have been limited. Asking that lovely cave-person out for a jungle romp may have been a high-pressure situation. If they turned you down, your mating pool suddenly seemed very limited and texting the cutie in the neighboring clan was a little ways off. Given the biological imperative to procreate and spread your genes, anxiety around rejection seems reasonable to some degree.

It would have also made sense for these early ancestors of ours to develop a "better safe than sorry" nervous system.

Grog and Trog