Stay Away from Idiots E-Book

Izabela Luiza Jahn

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 158

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

This book once began as a small blog, which aimed to present the findings of new, but also proven psychological books and guidebooks briefly and concisely in their practical usefulness. It shows how a diametrically different life can be led through certain conscious decisions and specific changes in thinking and behavior. Psychology allows a certain level of self-knowledge, without which, in fact, everything is nothing. We live mechanically, trapped in unhealthy patterns of behavior, not knowing what is happening to us. The book is aimed at all those who are stuck in unhappy relationships, or are not progressing in their personal development, or always fail at the same point, or simply want to live their relationships better, for which self-knowledge is the tool of choice. The author is a trained coach and psychological counselor, and with this book she wants to offer help for self-help, but also present exciting findings of psychology and share her reflections.

Leseprobe

For Anthony de Mello, the man who first lit a light in the darkness of my conditioning

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PROLOGUE: PSYCHO-LOGICAL

I.

UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIPS

1.SHOW ME YOUR RELATIONSHIP, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE

2.ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

3."WHY ME?"

4.THE SCHEME: "MY WAY OR HIGHWAY".

5.WHEN IT IS BETTER TO LEAVE

6.PRACTICALLY, THE PROCEDURE - WHETHER YOU WANT TO SEPARATE OR NOT - IS THE SAME IN BOTH CASES

7. UNLEARNING LEARNED HELPLESSNESS

8. I HAVE TRIED "EVERYTHING" AND "NOTHING" HAS HELPED

9. THINKING: FRIEND OR FOE?

10. DO IT YOURSELF

11.HOW TO TELL IT'S SARCASM AND FROM OTHER SMUT

12. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, WHERE DOING LITTLE AND NOT DOING MUCH ACCOMPLISHES A LOT

II.

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

13. "WHY ME?" II

14. "GIFTS" FOR LIFE?

15. ALWAYS THIS CHILDHOOD NONSENSE

16. AND WHAT IS YOUR MS DOS LIKE?

17. LOST CHILDHOOD

18. NATURE DOES NOT TOLERATE VACUUM

19. EMOTION AND COGNITION

20. WORKING WITH EMOTIONS

21. EMOTIONS UNDER CONTROL? OR IN THE GRIP OF EMOTIONS?

22. SHIT IN THE HEAD?

23. RUMINATION AND SELF-KNOWLEDGE

24. RUDE AWAKENING?

25. ENLIGHTENMENT OR TRUE HAPPINESS

26. MINDFUL THINKING

27. ADDENDUM: FORGETTING TO FORGIVE

28. BEING HUMAN LIES IN PAUSING - BUT THAT IS UNCOMFORTABLE

29.#100HAPPYDAYS #100 THE SECOND: ON THE FEASIBILITY OF HAPPINESS

30. NEW YEAR, OLD DEPENDENCIES

III.

HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS

31. ABOUT HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS

32. RESPONSIBILITY AND HAPPINESS ARE SYNONYMS

33. POSITIVITY - WHAT WISE MEN SAY ABOUT HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS (AS IT TURNED OUT WHILE WRITING)

34. TALK NICE TO ME

EPILOG

BIBLIOGRAPHY AND REFERENCES

PROLOGUE: PSYCHO-LOGICAL

For a better understanding of this book: it all started with a small blog text, and over time it became more and more. This may explain the structure of the individual chapters and the fact that everything is free-form, and may also refer to changes of year.

The aim of the blog, which no longer exists, was to briefly and succinctly present the findings of new, as well as tried and tested, psychological books and guidebooks in terms of their practical benefits, and to show how a diametrically different life can be led through certain conscious decisions and targeted changes. Psychology has fascinated me for some time, because without a certain level of self-knowledge that it can provide, everything is indeed nothing. We live mechanically, not knowing what is happening to us. Every now and then we make a few rationalizing thoughts that justify our actions in retrospect and that are supposed to confirm us. It just does not change anything. Just avoid concern. But maybe this is exactly what we need to really live our own free and self-determined life?

The blog started like this with the question back then:

"There is no point in sitting in a corner and meditating on oneself. [...] I exist only in relation to people, things and ideas, and by examining my relation to external things and people as well as to internal things, I begin to understand myself. Any other form of understanding is only an abstraction [...] I am not an abstract being." Jiddu Krishnamurti1

Have you ever noticed that the very people who dislike psychology and psychologists would probably benefit the most from a consultation? The putting down, joking and verbalizing serves to discredit psychology, to play down problems and ultimately to distract and divert attention from oneself. I think that every person knows deep inside that there is something wrong with him. Only he does not want to see it. He doesn't want to look at any price to avoid pain. He does not want to see himself in all his smallness and limitedness. He still wants to believe that he is really great (or really bad) and that the others are to blame/bad/whatever, but not better. So that he doesn't have to give that up, he has been given the gift of repression. And if that's not enough - there's distraction, as we've seen. Some hard drugs, if needed. Alcohol. Whatever. Oh yes - and hubris. Especially the latter has the ability to make others unhappy. And other people also become unhappy by believing that "if only...". Hope dies at last, but people are said to have died before it...

How can I tell that I am a candidate? It's simple: are you happy? Or are you unhappy, even though you are trying hard to live a good life? Are you living your life? Or are you panting after some ideal image? How are your relationships? With your parents, friends, at work? What about your most intimate relationship? Is there any intimacy at all in your marriage or partnership? Or is it hell on earth? Do you also sing the "if only" song? How is your relationship with yourself? Are you your best friend? If not, wouldn't it be nice to change that? If you change, then the whole world changes... just understand why mankind always tries it the other way around ; )

I. UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIPS

CHAPTER 1

SHOW ME YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND I'LL TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE

It shows itself best and most clearly in the most intimate, so I'm talking here about the couple relationship (could also be the one with parents or other very important people for you, and usually these relationships are also affected, although not so extremely, if there are problems in the closest relationship). So, how is it, your relationship? Is it happy? (If so, don't read the nonsense here and do something nice for yourself or with your partner). If "happy relationship" is a surreal idea for you, and for you it is just a matter of bare survival every day between quarrels, humiliation, insults, active and passive aggression, disrespect, threats and indifference, then read on.

Especially when your partner can drive you to despair or to white heat through extremely inaudible actions. If you thereby become a howling, nagging, hysterical monster, and ultimately only whimpering for affection, devoid of any emotional control, and all that against your better judgment. When you no longer feel like yourself because you are so tempted to conform, and to please your partner. To get at least a crumb of his attention or approval. If you have the feeling of loneliness, restlessness, guilt, or fear of loss, of frustration and helplessness in your relationship, then I have two messages for you.

First the good: the fact that another person can touch you deeply is evidence that you are capable of love and commitment. This is good for you. (Right now, though, it probably doesn't feel that way because you're trying in the wrong place).

The bad: Your problem is you're still there. Please let that sink in: Your problem is that you still remain in this relationship on these terms, or at all. That is your part of the problem. With the genesis of the problem, and with the question, how you can get YOUR life back (or get to know yourself at all?) I want to deal in the further course. For today I would like to conclude with a quote, which in my opinion expresses the essence of love as a gift:

"[Love] is like a fragrant flower. You can perceive its fragrance or pass by it. This flower is there for everyone, and especially for the one who takes the time to breathe in its fragrance intimately and look at it with delight."2

Three guesses who this is from ; ) But the essential idea is: you don't need to earn love. All you need is someone who is capable of responding to the love you have to give.

CHAPTER 2

ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

If your friends make you understand that you only talk about your partner, then it's probably time for you to take your life back. And to do this with the same energy with which you have been circling around your partner until now. The entire "why" and "wherefore" and "how can he do this to me" didn't really do anything - did it? Why don't you use the energy you have spent on such questions to ask yourself what YOU need to be well? To ask yourself what makes you happy.

I know that this is not easy, and that you would like to understand the why and wherefore on the one hand, but on the other hand you are just as unlikely to accept it when this question keeps catching up with you. It's understandable, you love someone and they keep acting impossible. For you it is always a slap in the face, a shock. Even though you know from experience, for example, that your partner is always disrespectful to you, or otherwise hurtful, it hits you every time anew with maximum harshness. Understandable, but note that you are caught up by it again and again, because you do not want to admit this trait of your partner. If you would accept this trait and not deny it anymore, it would be easier for you to distance yourself from it. And don't misunderstand me; I'm not talking here about "putting up with him better", but about no longer letting him beat you down, and thus being able to meet your partner differently.

Furthermore, the desire to understand and fathom why your partner behaves the way he does can also be paralyzing for YOU - and here it is quite irrelevant whether you feel too much "understanding", or even more confusion by thinking too long. If you are more concerned with your partner's problems than he is, something is wrong. It is an adult human being who should stand up for his problems (regardless of what was, and with help if necessary - but not YOURS - you are not a therapist, are you?). So ask yourself: how much does my partner's behavior absorb me?

CHAPTER 3

"WHY ME?"

I realize that a "this is your partner's problem, and you are not his/her therapist" is not sufficient as an explanation, especially since, for one thing, you must have spent a lot of time asking "why", feeling guilty for the problems in the relationship, or being blamed for your partner's misbehavior by him/her.... Or, and I think this is why the "why" keeps us going for so long, because you hope that if you somehow understand it all, you can change something about it, and finally have the relationship you hope and desire.

So let's start there: you have to understand that you can't change anything. Not the way you are trying to do it now. You have an attachment disordered, either fearful-avoidant or indifferent-avoidant partner, a narcissistic or otherwise toxic person with whom you are trying to have a relationship. Trying is a good description, because the above mentioned people are not able and not willing to have a relationship, even if they like to declare it differently. Sometimes. Occasionally. When it suits them or the mood is good. Because unfortunately these people are deeply disturbed in their ability to commit, and here wanting does not necessarily mean being able. What I want to say - if you want to understand why your partner behaves the way he/she does: he/she is disturbed in his/her bonding ability and he/she was already disturbed before you. He/she had exactly the same problems then. It has nothing to do with you. That is what you have to understand.

It just doesn't feel that way.... That's because you pay for trying to have a relationship with an attachment disordered person with loss of control. The fact is, this gives the attachment avoider power over the relationship, which is thus not at eye level. He is the sole ruler of closeness and distance; he determines the relationship and is uncompromising. This is a very perfidious mechanism of such relationships, which I will discuss in more detail.

But this mechanism can work only because:

Your partner denies you something you really want. Since you actually want a relationship with your partner, you are at a disadvantage.

You put the desire to keep this relationship going or finally get it going above your own well-being.

That's why you.

CHAPTER 4

THE SCHEME: "MY WAY OR HIGHWAY".

You never thought you'd put up with something like that, did you? Ever thought about taking the blackmailing threat "then look for someone else, if you don't like it, that's it" seriously? To say "Thanks, you're right; I've wasted enough time here. I deserve a person who really wants to be in a relationship with me. Who is interested in me, and for whom this is not an imposition. Who is capable of real closeness, and for whom being in the same room isn't already a problem." No? Too bad...

The fact is that the attachment disordered person tells you that without batting an eye is because he can say it. He really doesn't care (and that's why you can't sit it out or turn the tables - the attachment disordered person always wins, if you can even talk about winning here). He shifts the responsibility to you; you can adapt, or leave it alone. Because what he doesn't want at any price in the world is to have a closer look on himself. In this price you are included. And that is hard to accept. Aptly, Stefanie Stahl writes that "[...] a person without attachment anxiety usually cannot even imagine how little it takes to get too close to an attachment phobe. Often, just being present is enough. Or just calling. The problem is, you can't not get too close to the commitment phobe. No matter how reserved you act, somehow you always get too close to him if you want to have a relationship with him. "3

Only, in the beginning it looked totally different? Didn't it? Then your partner didn't feel "crushed" by your "expectations", "restricted in his/her space" by a "leech" (which you have become now), "annoyed" by your "bitching" and your "seeing problems where there are none".

If it's any consolation: that you should be terrible right now has nothing to do with you. You are in phase two of the typical relationship progression with a disturbed person. Now that he has you, he can't and won't put up with you, because you might want to have a normal happy relationship. But that's exactly what your partner can't do. Have you ever wondered why he becomes so hurtful or abusive, all of a sudden for no apparent reason, especially when things seem to be going well at the moment? There are many perverse reasons for this, the main one being this: Your partner doesn't believe this relationship is able to be going well. "Consciously or unconsciously [he] expects it to fail. So that they are not so helplessly at the mercy of this catastrophe [for their low self-esteem], [partners who are incapable of bonding] actively ensure (keyword: control) that they bring it about themselves. It is the well-known phenomenon of the "self-fulfilling prophecy" that can be observed here. They use biting remarks, venomous comments, and outright arguments to regulate the closeness that feels too threatening to them. By doing this, they distance the partner, who reacts sadly, disappointedly, and/or angrily, as the case may be. With this tactic, they repeatedly strain the relationship and put it to the test. Depending on the partner's capacity for suffering, this can lead to continuous power struggles and pointless arguments or even to the end of the relationship. Either way, the attachment disordered person proves to himself what he already knew anyway: relationships don't work out."4 I want to emphasize again, actually your partner doesn't think relationship goes well at all, and that has nothing to do with you as a person. However, phase one, where you were great and desired had nothing to do with you either. You are the object on which all this takes place. And replaceable, that is then phase three, when it becomes too exhausting with you, or you have finally left. If necessary, phase one to two will be repeated with you again in phase three, if you make the mistake of returning.

I know it's not nice to hear. But the truth is not always pleasant. However, only through the truth do you gain the freedom to make your decisions.

Next time I will write about when it's better to leave. And about what you should take to heart (keyword loss of control) if you don't. After all, you are only human ; )

CHAPTER 5

WHEN IT IS BETTER TO GO

If you ask me: better yesterday than tomorrow. The longer the condition lasts like this, the more often your partner promised changes and didn't keep them, or the clearer he/she told you that he/she doesn't care - honestly, we have only a short flash as a life span - go.

Why this is difficult: think about the 3 phases of the relationship. In the beginning, in the phase of being in love, you have been implanted with a relationship illusion that has never been fulfilled, but has turned into its opposite. There has never been a feeling of being securely bound. How could there be? But unfortunately, "[the] need to have control over one's life and to feel a certain security is an existential, basic psychological need. This existential need couples to the need for attachment, which is equally existential. Every person who enters into a love relationship and thus fulfills his or her need for attachment desires a certain degree of security and the feeling that he or she can rely on the partner. Conversely, not having security is enormously frightening. Fatally, however, the loss of control, that is, the fear of losing the other person, fuels passion enormously. So instead of relaxing, according to the motto "if he/she doesn't want to, then he/she doesn't! “the insecurity triggers exactly the opposite impulse in most partners: namely to want him/her now more than ever. [I would rather say: to want the promised relationship to finally start, because your partner has aroused a lot of expectations in you, and behaves completely contradictory and leaves you emotionally starved after he/she promised you a feast]. Behind this is the deeply human need to (re)gain control. "5 And you know how stupid your behavior is; only you still can't let it go. That's loss of control: caring about a person even though they are harming you. It's an ego thing, after all, you're great, and your partner used to see it that way too, and promised you everything imaginable... if only you go back there, and finally live that....