The Art of Self-Leadership E-Book

Heather R. Younger

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 341

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

Learn to take control of your own professional destiny and lead yourself through challenging situations

In The Art of Self-Leadership: Discover the Power Within You and Learn to Lead Yourself, celebrated workplace culture and employee engagement expert Heather R. Younger delivers an exciting and practical discussion of how to develop an entirely new mindset around personal advocacy and self-leadership. You'll learn how to take control of the workplace experience and set expectations up front about relationships.

Younger explains how you can exercise your sphere of control and influence and manage your anxiety and stress with effective techniques. You'll also find:

• Practical talking points and scripts you can use with your manager—and others—at work
• Polls, contemporary studies, interviews, personal anecdotes, and practical advice regarding how to be the change you seek at work
• Strategies for prioritizing self-care, setting realistic goals, and overcoming fear

Perfect for professionals, entrepreneurs, employees, contractors, and anyone else doing their best to navigate the new world of work, The Art of Self-Leadership will also prove invaluable to managers, executives, directors, founders, and other business leaders. No more waiting, no more blaming. Learn to lead yourself today!

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Cover

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Preface

Introduction: Unveiling Your Golden Core

PART I: Foundation of Self‐Understanding

CHAPTER 1: Understanding Your Intrinsic Worth

Self‐Awareness as the Bridge

Recognizing Unique Qualities and Contributions

The Role of External Validation

The Pitfalls of External Validation

Self‐Validation Practices

Identifying Value Through Your Values

The Role of Self‐Confidence

Strategies for Building Self‐Confidence

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

CHAPTER 2: Understanding Your Limitations

Identifying Your Limits

The Role of Limits in the Workplace

Challenging and Expanding Limits

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

CHAPTER 3: Understanding Fear

Fear‐Based Behaviors

The Nature of Fear in the Workplace

Addressing and Overcoming Your Fear

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

PART II: Personal Growth and Sustainability

CHAPTER 4: Deciding Between Progress and Perfection

The Pitfalls of Perfectionism

Embracing Progress

Setting Realistic and Aspirational Goals

Learning from Setbacks

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

CHAPTER 5: Prioritizing Self‐Care

The Spectrum of Self‐Care

Overcoming Barriers to Self‐Care

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

CHAPTER 6: The Three Stages of Empowerment

Stage 1: The Awakening

Stage 2: The Struggle

Stage 3: The Breakthrough

Transitions Between Stages

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

CHAPTER 7: Keying in on Your Strengths

Discovering Your Strengths

Developing Your Strengths

Applying Your Strengths

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

PART III: Social Interaction and Influence

CHAPTER 8: Relationship‐Building in Action

The Foundation of Trust

Effective Communication

Collaborative Teamwork

Networking and Mentorship

Nurturing and Sustaining Relationships

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

CHAPTER 9: Leaning into Flexible Thinking

The Foundations of Flexible Thinking

Cultivating a Growth Mindset

Implementing Flexible Thinking in the Workplace

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

Chapter 10: Expect Clear Expectations

The Consequences of Poorly Set Expectations

Setting Expectations for Yourself

Communicating Your Expectations to Others

Expecting Clear Expectations from Others

Self‐Advocacy

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

Chapter 11: Feedback Is a Gift

The Psychology of Feedback

The Art of Giving Feedback

The Skill of Receiving Feedback

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

CHAPTER 12: Use Your Voice and Be Seen

Finding Your Voice

Being Your Authentic Self

Increasing Visibility

Building a Professional Network

Using Your Voice and Being Seen

Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership

Conclusion: Are You Ready and Willing to Become a Strong Self‐Leader?

Where Do You Go from Here?

How Can You Remain Accountable?

Success Circle

Free Self‐Assessment on Feedback Styles and Opportunities for Growth

DiSC

®

Assessment with 20‐Minute Review

References

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Index

End User License Agreement

List of Illustrations

Introduction: Unveiling Your Golden Core

FIGURE I.1 Integrated Self‐Leadership Model

™

.

Chapter 2

FIGURE 2.1 Limitations breakdown diagram.

Chapter 3

FIGURE 3.1 Fear mapping.

Chapter 6

FIGURE 6.1 Empowerment in visualized stages.

Chapter 8

FIGURE 8.1 DiSC

®

communication style matrix.

Chapter 9

FIGURE 9.1 Gymnasts as examples of cognitive flexibility.

FIGURE 9.2 Cognitive flexibility: becoming a mental gymnast.

Chapter 11

FIGURE 11.1 The Cycle of Active Listening.

Guide

Cover

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Preface

Introduction: Unveiling Your Golden Core

Begin Reading

Conclusion: Are You Ready and Willing to Become a Strong Self‐Leader?

References

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Index

End User License Agreement

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Praise for The Art of Self‐Leadership

“The Art of Self‐Leadership is a powerful and comprehensive step‐by‐step guide for personal development. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to be deliberate about their leadership journey!”

—Chris McChesney, coauthor of The 4 Disciplines of Execution

“The Art of Self‐Leadership is a powerful guide that encourages us to take responsibility for our growth and leadership. Heather Younger shows how true leadership starts from within, helping us build trust, belonging, and empowerment in our teams. With practical insights and real‐life examples, Heather highlights how self‐leadership fosters positive work cultures. Her approach emphasizes personal growth and the power of feedback, inspiring us to create environments where people feel valued and heard. This book is essential for anyone looking to lead with heart and purpose.”

—Garry Ridge, The Culture Coach; Chairman Emeritus, WD‐40 Company

“All great leaders know the hardest person to lead is yourself. If you want a manual on how to do this well, this book is for you. In it you will find a model that helps guide you to reflect on the toughest challenges and address areas that may stop you from being the leader this world so greatly needs.”

—David Ashcraft, President and CEO, Global Leadership Network

“Challenge yourself, empower yourself, and read this book!”

–Ken Blanchard, coauthor of The One Minute Manager® and Simple Truths of Leadership

THE ART OF SELF‐LEADERSHIP

DISCOVER THE POWER WITHIN YOU AND LEARN TO LEAD YOURSELF

HEATHER R. YOUNGER

Copyright © 2025 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial intelligence technologies or similar technologies.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.

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ISBN 9781394283378 (Cloth)ISBN 9781394283392 (ePDF)ISBN 9781394283385 (ePUB)

Cover Design: WileyCover Image: © arteria.lab/ShutterstockAuthor Photo: Courtesy of Rebecca Bonner

I dedicate this book to my life experience. Without the ups and downs of my life, I would have no idea how to lead myself well, nor could I write the words I wrote in this book.

I hope the ideas in this book assist you on your journey to self‐actualize your brilliance and increase your impact in this world.

Preface

If you're reading this book, you're like me: I am on a constant journey of self‐discovery, moving in and out of self‐doubt and sprinkled with bits of self‐confidence. This oscillation was even more distinct for me as I navigated work life. I would often find myself buried in others' expectations of me, my work, what I “should” be doing, and how I “should” be acting. Then I spent a fair amount of time waiting for others to give me “green lights” before I would move forward and then pause to wait for their external validation. This all felt defeating.

I have always had a way of being that makes people want to lean in to tell me things. At work, coworkers and team members would often come to me frustrated about what their managers did or failed to do. They seemed to be in a consistent state of confusion about what they could do to influence their journey at work, with their boss and their career progression. They often wanted to operate in more of a “take charge,” assertive way, but lacked the confidence to express their unique perspectives or even show all that they could do without first waiting for permission. Their lack of personal direction and their lower self‐regard often debilitated them and made them act in ways that minimized their true brilliance. The lack of manager support didn't help at all.

In my personal life, I often act as friend and counsel to those who want to know the best course of action from a relationship management perspective. Should I act this way or that way in xyz set of circumstances? How can I get this person or that person to understand that I want them to take me seriously, or that I do care about their opinion?

Throughout my career as a workplace culture and employee engagement consultant, I have facilitated numerous employee focus groups and culture teams. I have also read countless open‐ended employee survey comments and coached many leaders. Through these experiences, I have heard many of the same frustrations and concerns.

After what seems like a lifetime of hearing many of these reservations and struggles, I feel compelled to dig deep to help people understand the gaps and opportunities that exist for them to lead themselves more than they ever thought possible.

Throughout the book, you'll notice that I will include some interview excerpts from my podcast, Leadership with Heart, polls from my social followers, and some telling stories from my own life and the life of others.

At the end of each chapter, I provide a summary section titled “Bright Ideas for Self‐Leadership,” to help you synthesize the most important points of that chapter and determine the next best actions to take. I also created a Self‐Leadership Feedback Self‐Assessment and an Accountability model I call Success Circles, to help you get and stay on track on your journey. I will explain more of that in the conclusion.

This book is designed for anyone seeking to enhance their self‐leadership skills, regardless of their current position or title. Whether or not you hold a formal supervisory role, this guide is valuable for individuals aiming to develop their personal leadership abilities. Coaches will find this book beneficial for both personal growth and assisting their clients, while managers can leverage its insights for their own development. Professionals from any industry can use the precepts to help grow in self‐leadership.

Those who read this book will instantly feel more powerful, become more aware of self‐imposed limitations, and realize the many ways that they can learn to lead themselves that inspire others to want to be around them more. This new way of being will allow them to progress in their careers and lives without constantly feeling like they are in a holding pattern to someone else's whims.

The more we grow in self‐leadership, the more magnetic we become, the more confident we feel about ourselves, and thus the more confidence others place in us. This opens the door for a personal and professional life that is more by design than by accident. This way of being gives us a life full of purpose that draws us closer to who we are meant to be. I don't know about you, but this is a compelling reason to pursue The Art of Self‐Leadership!

Keep shining!

—Heather R. Younger, JD, CSP

Denver, Colorado, 2024

Introduction: Unveiling Your Golden Core

It takes a lot to follow the beat of someone else's drum. It takes even more to hear our own drums, tweak, and adjust them to our liking, and then follow the beats that we choose in the manner that suits us best.

The dictionary definition of leadership is “the action of leading a group of people or an organization.” I disagree. I believe leadership is a personal quality, not a job description. Having a manager title does not necessarily equate to real leadership. Leadership to me is a way of being that makes people around us want to follow, engage, trust, and go over and above, not out of any requirement to do so, but out of a voluntary desire to do so. These are people at home, work, in our community, and in our friend circles. Intentionality and action are at its core.

I believe leadership is a personal quality, not a job description.

Interestingly, there is no dictionary definition for self‐leadership. According to an article on PositivePsychology.com, “the term ‘self‐leadership’ first emerged from organizational management literature by Charles C. Manz (1983), who later defined it as a ‘comprehensive self‐influence perspective that concerns leading oneself toward performance of naturally motivating tasks as well as managing oneself to do work that must be done but is not naturally motivating’ (Manz 1986)” (Neuhaus 2020). It was discussed mainly in the context of it being the necessary gateway to leading other people, much like I re‐introduced it in my previous book, The Art of Caring Leadership.

In 2021, I wrote The Art of Caring Leadership, which provided a behavioral framework for leaders to use to demonstrate more care toward those who look to them for guidance in some way. In that book, I wrote a chapter about self‐leadership. It was the first chapter and the longest by far, because, after all my research, I realized that it wasn't possible to demonstrate caring leadership without first leading oneself. I am proud of that body of work, but quite honestly I didn't go far enough with defining self‐leadership and providing a strong framework for people to follow and really live out. I also regret not making it completely clear that anyone, no matter their title, can cultivate self‐leadership. This is part of the reason why I decided to write an entire book on the topic.

This book is going to take a different path. I will introduce a self‐leadership model that is grounded more in self‐discovery and self‐empowerment and not necessarily with the focus of leading others. For our purposes, self‐leadership will be defined as the journey of growing inwardly to shine outwardly, spiraling upwards through self‐awareness, and purposeful action.

Self‐leadership is the journey of growing inwardly to shine outwardly, spiraling upwards through self‐awareness, and purposeful action.

An acronym that helps ground us in this definition is GROW:

G

rowth: Developing oneself from within

R

esilience: Bouncing back and moving forward with grace

O

utwardly: Extending one's influence and impact into the world

W

isdom: Leveraging insights and experiences for continuous improvement

Let me share a story that perfectly illustrates definition.

In the heart of Bangkok lies the Temple of the Golden Buddha, where a magnificent statue stands not only as a sacred effigy but also as a testament to the resilience and undiscovered treasure within us all. This statue, which weighs a staggering 5.5 tons and stands about 10 feet tall, is made of pure, solid gold and is valued at hundreds of millions of dollars. Yet the true value of this statue is not merely in its monetary worth but in the story it tells – a story that perfectly encapsulates the essence of self‐leadership.

For centuries, the Golden Buddha was encased in a layer of stucco and colored glass, a disguise created by Thai monks to protect it from invading armies. The disguise was so convincing that everyone, including the invaders, overlooked it, seeing it as nothing more than an ordinary clay statue, albeit a large one. Not until 1955 was the true nature of the Buddha accidentally discovered, when the statue was dropped while being moved, revealing the brilliant gold underneath.

I learned of this story for the first time in January 2024 at a retreat meant to focus us on what was most important in the coming year and getting results based upon this renewed focus. The promise was that we would begin to receive blessings and even messages about what we say that we want before or after the retreat. While I remained hopeful, I was a little doubtful. The facilitator shared this story of the Golden Buddha in the context of self‐actualization as a byproduct of our work during the retreat. We all hoped to discover some new, transformative insights and come out of it with renewed vigor. I was slightly intrigued when I heard this story, but what happened the next day is what shocked and amazed me.

I attended Mass on the morning of the second full day of the retreat at a local church not far from the retreat site. I sat there prayerful, listening and just taking in the beautiful surroundings. At the usual point in the liturgy, the deacon began to deliver his homily. To my delight and surprise, he shared the exact same story of the Golden Buddha. I chuckled under my breath. I had never heard this story in my life and now I had heard it two times in less than 24 hours? I saw this as one of the messages I needed to hear and as an extension of my retreat learning. The parallel that the deacon drew to this story was regarding a local school that he saw as “hidden” in their community in plain sight, but the school and its students needed to be revealed and nurtured, much like that Golden Buddha. They had so much to offer the world, but no one knew about it. As he described it, the community had placed so much clay over the school that no one could get to its core goodness. This deacon wanted to do his part to make sure those at Mass that day realized the school's brilliance.

This tale serves as a metaphor for the focus of this book and what needs to happen to us and inside us. Like the Golden Buddha, each of us is layered with a protective covering – made up of self‐doubt, societal expectations, and fear of the unknown. These layers often prevent us from recognizing our true worth and the potential that gleams within. The Art of Self‐Leadership is about peeling back these layers, chip by chip, helping to reveal the “golden” core within each of you and then using these insights to learn to lead yourself more effectively.

Much like the retreat facilitator and deacon were vessels for a powerful message of hope, empowerment, and personal awareness, let this book serve as a reminder of what is inside of you, act as a roadmap to reveal all of your brilliance, and help you achieve more and be more no matter your title or position.

As we embark on this journey together, let the Golden Buddha inspire you. Your external persona, shaped and colored by your experiences, triumphs, and tribulations, is but a protective layer. Beneath it lies your authentic self – resilient, valuable, and waiting to be rediscovered. Self‐leadership is the hammer and chisel with which you will gently remove the covering to reveal your inner brilliance.

Through this book, you will learn to lead yourself with wisdom, courage, and compassion. You will uncover the strategies to nurture your intrinsic worth, much like the monks who carefully maintained the Buddha's disguise while knowing the treasure that lay underneath. Each chapter will guide you closer to that moment of revelation, to a place where you don't simply lead yourself but can also inspire leadership in others by the mere act of being your truest self.

I have divided this book into three parts that follow an Integrative Self‐Leadership Development Model (see Figure I.1). This model serves as a unifying framework for the book, emphasizing the holistic development of your leadership qualities, starting from self‐understanding and moving toward external expression and impact wrapped up with the bow of continuous improvement. I broke the book down into three parts as a definitive way for us to think about what is required for true self‐leadership. My goal with this model is to take the vaguer concept of self‐leadership and give you real steps to take to grow in this way of being. The following lists break down how this model integrates with the chapters to help you see the big picture.

FIGURE I.1 Integrated Self‐Leadership Model™.

Part I

: Foundation of Self‐Understanding

Chapter 1

, “Understanding Your Intrinsic Worth,” explains that no matter what else I teach you, if you don't or can't understand who you are and your purpose on this planet, nothing else will matter.

Chapter 2

, “Understanding Your Limitations,” acknowledges the boundaries of your abilities as a starting point for your growth.

Chapter 3

, “Understanding Fear,” addresses your fears and barriers to your self‐leadership.

Part II

: Personal Growth and Sustainability

Chapter 4

, “Deciding Between Progress and Perfection,” encourages you to focus on continual improvement rather than unattainable ideals.

Chapter 5

, “Prioritizing Self‐Care,” ensures that self‐maintenance is a priority for sustainable leadership, integrating self‐grace and self‐compassion amid challenges and mistakes.

Chapter 6

, “The Three Stages of Empowerment,” outlines a pathway for increasing your self‐efficacy and autonomy.

Chapter 7

, “Keying in on Your Strengths,” shifts the focus to leveraging your personal strengths for leadership development.

Part III

: Social Interaction and Influence

Chapter 8

, “Relationship‐Building in Action,” encourages your constructive engagement with others.

Chapter 9

, “Leaning into Flexible Thinking,” advocates for your flexibility and creativity in problem‐solving.

Chapter 10

, “Expect Clear Expectations,” stresses the importance of your self‐advocacy.

Chapter 11

, “Feedback Is a Gift,” frames feedback as a critical tool for your growth and improvement.

Chapter 12

, “Use Your Voice and Be Seen,” encourages your assertiveness and visibility as mechanisms to expand your influence.

This model emphasizes a journey from internal self‐awareness and self‐compassion through personal development and mastery, to external application and influence. It underlines the importance of continuous learning, adaptability, and the effective integration of feedback. Each chapter of this book can be seen as a step in this journey, offering you a comprehensive guide to developing your self‐leadership capacities in a structured, integrative manner. It will help connect your personal development to your external influence. My accountability system, found at the end of this book, will also help you stay on track on your journey.

So let us begin this journey of self‐discovery, of chipping away the ordinary to reveal the extraordinary. In doing so, may you lead yourself to a life of purpose, fulfillment, and authentic self‐expression.

PART IFoundation of Self‐Understanding

At the core of my self‐leadership model sits the most important thing we need to uncover if we want to show our brilliance: self‐understanding. This is like playing the game Monopoly. You cannot pass Go and collect $200 dollars unless you have a true understanding of who you are and why you are on this planet. This is our starting point.

I chose “Understanding Your Intrinsic Worth” as the first chapter because it establishes the core value of self that underpins all of your further development. That chapter goes deep and will, most likely, drum up some emotions and memories that you didn't know were as critical in your formation. The remaining chapters in Part 1 help you understand the things that could and should be holding you back from choosing this path or that path in your journey.

CHAPTER 1Understanding Your Intrinsic Worth

Self‐Awareness as the Bridge

A conversation about self‐leadership and intrinsic worth is not possible without first discussing the importance of self‐awareness. In social psychology, self‐awareness can be traced back to the work of Shelley Duval and Robert Wicklund. They proposed that, at any given time, people can focus their attention on self or on the external environment. Focusing on self allows people to compare themselves to a standard of correctness and thus change their thoughts and behaviors in line with those standards (“Self‐Awareness Theory” 2024). This is why self‐awareness is necessary to have any self‐control or in managing one's response to external stimuli.

When we think of self‐leadership, we cannot lead ourselves if we aren't aware of how we are feeling, how we are responding, what we have affinities to and biases against, or even valid gauges on our achievements.

Recognizing Unique Qualities and Contributions

I want to dig deep here to challenge you to think about the dependence you might have on external validation and why this can jeopardize your ability to effectively lead yourself. I will delve into the ways you can uncover your unique value, which is critical in both personal and professional life. Together, we will explore potential roadblocks to true self‐discovery, such as imposter syndrome, lack of confidence, negotiating based upon your own value, your ability to communicate your worth and boundaries, and burnout as the ultimate roadblocks to demonstrating strong self‐leadership attributes.

Our ability to be our own solution versus the thing that stands in the way of our success is the only way through and to the life we want for ourselves.

This is an important chapter, because it will be difficult to continue this journey of self‐discovery if we do not get to the bottom of many of these issues. As it is often said, “We need to get out of our own way.” Said differently, “We are our own worst enemy.” In the context of a self‐leadership discussion, our ability to be our own solution versus the thing that stands in the way of our success is the only way through and to the life we want for ourselves.

The Role of External Validation

I was tempted to get philosophical in this chapter because a focus on intrinsic worth (often referred to as “self‐worth”) has so many dimensions in that world. For our purposes, I want to keep this simple. Intrinsic worth is the value that we have by our very existence. Ideally, we should feel good because we are alive, we exist, and therefore we are good. That's it. No other proof needed. You are great and wonderful and worthy of all you want just by being.

Do you feel worthy just because you are alive?

If you're like me, you sometimes struggle with owning your intrinsic worth and feel like your life is a constant measure against others' ideas of what you should be. You seek validation or recognition from others, and whether or not you get it determines, in your mind, whether you do, in fact, feel good enough.

It should not be like this. We have got to stop holding on to that internal dialogue.

I have a confession: This might be my number one barrier to leading myself more effectively than I do now. I am an only child, and early in my life I received many nonverbal and verbal messages that I wasn't good enough or worthy. I was born into an interracial, interfaith family, and my maternal grandparents rejected different parts of me from the beginning. Growing up, I was excluded from many large family events, because I was who I was and because of what I looked like.

Later on, like most women (and on top of my already beat‐up self‐confidence), I received messages that I was too fat, or my hair was too straight or too curly, which also meant I wasn't good enough. Unfortunately, I believed those words and cues. For a long time, I did not feel good enough. Only in my 50s am I coming to terms with the fact that I am good, because I am.

In this book's introduction, I mentioned a retreat I attended where I first learned about the Golden Buddha. On the very last day of that retreat, I came to realize that I had an underlying belief that was holding me back: I did not feel worthy of the things I said I wanted and many others in the room felt the same way about themselves. It was just recently that I finally understood that I deserve to be more and have more of what I want. By not believing in myself, I was my own worst enemy.

Something that has helped me when my mind wanders into the self‐sabotaging dialogue is this mantra (repeat it with me): “I am good, because I am.”

I have read this message when reading the Bible or reading reflections, but it's not always easy to make it sink in. Once we get this truth to stick in our minds as true, we can begin to look at the pitfalls of seeking external validation to increase our worth.

The Pitfalls of External Validation

Yes, it's true. Many of us do all kinds of things to seek recognition or external validation of our worth. In recent years social media has only exacerbated this issue. Millions of people, including me and most of you, take to social platforms to get as many likes and hearts and comments and followers and shares as possible. The creators of these platforms understand our psyche better than we do. Since the majority of us doubt our self‐worth, the creators of those platforms got filthy rich on their awareness that we deeply want external validation of who we are as a form of acceptance many of us never really felt we had. They bet we would get addicted to that validation. Their bets paid off and are still paying off. We are hooked!

Is the solution to get off social media? No, that wouldn't be realistic, although the people who voluntarily delete these apps and turn off the notifications are much more content with their lives than those of us who live in comparison mode for our use of these platforms (Southern 2023). Many have reported to me that they are less stressed, less self‐critical, more energized by human interaction – the list of benefits goes on. Will I give it up anytime soon? Probably not. No matter, we need to be aware of the impact to our emotional well‐being and how much the time we spend there negates any work we do to deeply understand the concept “I am good because I am.”

We need to find a way to ground ourselves in our own self‐worth, learning to validate ourselves.

At work, we have this same addiction. We are waiting for and seeking out validation from coworkers and our managers. It's like an unending search for the dopamine we experience every time we receive recognition. Unfortunately, that steady stream will come to an end. We need to find a way to ground ourselves in our own self‐worth, learning to validate ourselves.

Overreliance on external validation can undermine self‐leadership because, by definition, self‐leadership includes growing inwardly to shine outwardly. That requires a knowledge and appreciation of what's already inside us. It will be hard or almost impossible to get there if all our worth is tied up in others' views of us. How can we ever measure up? What if we do not have the same value system? Will they ever see you the way you see you?

Self‐Validation Practices

If external validation is the antithesis of self‐leadership, then self‐validation is the wind beneath your wings. In other words, self‐validation is accepting your own internal experience, your thoughts, and your feelings (Hall 2014). Validating your thoughts and emotions will help you calm yourself and manage them more effectively. Validating yourself will help you accept and better understand yourself, which leads to a stronger identity and better skills at managing intense emotions. Self‐validation helps you find wisdom (Hall 2014).

You will notice that this ties very closely to the self‐awareness I mentioned earlier in this chapter, because we need to be aware of ourselves in profound ways, by taking the time to center on our thoughts and blocking out outside influences.

I see self‐validation on three levels: our past thoughts, our past behaviors, and our present reality. All three of these are grounded in self‐awareness and using mindfulness to center ourselves in these areas. When we think of our past, it might drum up thoughts of shame about something that happened to us, fear that the thing could happen again, and apprehension about our ability to conquer that thing in the future. We might doubt ourselves completely because of how we handled or failed to handle something before. We might even see that our past fully dictates our outcomes today.

Why do we judge ourselves so harshly, yet work harder to give others grace? A recent March 2024 LinkedIn poll conducted by Employee Fanatix asked, “What do you think contributes most to self‐doubt and imposter syndrome when attempting to assert your voice in the workplace?” and 42% of respondents cited fear of making mistakes and past experiences of criticism. Unfortunately, many of us feel the same way. We have allowed external voices to overshadow our own. We have not worked on listening to our own voices and ignoring the others as we do so. What we need to do is to focus on recognizing the emotions we have regarding our past thoughts and behaviors, normalize or accept that those emotions are valid and justified, and then just lean into who we are wholeheartedly and without judgment.

In my earlier personal story, I felt a lot of rejection from my mother's side of the family, which made me doubt my own value, worth, and deservedness on so many levels. I was explicitly excluded from going to weddings, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and most family events. I remember wondering why I could not attend my own grandfather's funeral and why my dad wasn't allowed to attend many of these events. Without any direct explanation, I began to draw my own conclusions. That maybe I would stick out, that my family was ashamed of me, that I was never going to be enough to fit in. For much of my life, I allowed those external voices and judgments to be my truth.

After many years of feeling like this I had a realization: I needed to realize that I am on this planet for a reason and it was not to be the brunt of someone else's views of the world. I exist separate and apart from anything that any one person could think of me. No one else could grant me access to my life like I could. That realization turned my life around. I started to get to know myself, and with time I realized what my unique value was. We'll get more into that in Chapter 7.

Identifying Value Through Your Values

So how do you reveal your unique value if you are not quite sure what that is? Let's dive into how to discover your unique strengths and then make them known. When I was very young and saw Reverend Jesse Jackson on TV speaking to a large group of people, I remember being enthralled by how he captivated an audience through his words. I was intrigued and wondered if I could ever do that. I wanted to do that.

I was an outcast in my own family, and the only person who really pushed me to think outside of my current circumstances was my maternal grandmother. My relationship with her was a complicated one filled with confusion, exclusion, and a special kind of love. My maternal grandparents were white and Jewish and my paternal grandparents were Black and Christian. In today's world, this type of diversity is normal, but not in the 1960s and 1970s when my parents were dating and then married. My mom's parents had a hard time with this union, and then there I was, right in the middle of all the not‐so‐great emotions. I often felt like the black sheep of the family, being excluded from large family gatherings or public events, which made me feel unworthy. It also did not help that I was an only child.

One of the things my maternal grandmother pushed me to be was a lawyer. It was often hard to reconcile her strong belief that I should and could be a lawyer with the way my family treated me. I wanted to believe it, and at the same time a little part of me hoped that going to law school and achieving such a lofty accomplishment would finally make me “good enough” in my grandparents' eyes and end the exclusion.

I thought maybe if I became a lawyer, I would finally get their approval and be accepted as part of the family. Maybe, as a lawyer, I could attend family gatherings.