The Big Book of Parenting Solutions E-Book

Michele Borba

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Serie: Child Development
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 1364

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2009

Beschreibung

Today show's Michele Borba's cures for difficult childhood behaviors In this down-to-earth guide, parenting expert Michele Borba offers advice for dealing with children's difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, temper tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure, and much more. Written for parents of kids age 3-13, this book offers easy-to-implement advice for the most important challenges parents face with kids from toddlers to tweens. * Includes immediate solutions to the most common childhood problems and challenges * Written by Today Show's resident parenting expert Michele Borba * Offers clear step-by-step guidance for solving difficult childhood behaviors and family conflicts * Contains a wealth of advice that is easy-to-follow and gets quick results * Author has written outstanding parenting books including Building Moral Intelligence, No More Misbehavin', Don't Give Me that Attitude, and more Each of the 101 issues includes clear questions, specific step-by-step solutions, and advice that is age appropriate.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Note to the Reader

Acknowledgements

Introduction

THE PROBLEMS WITH MOST MODERN-DAY PARENTING APPROACHES

THE SEVEN DEADLY PARENTING STYLES

SO HOW DO WE CHANGE?

GEARING UP FOR REAL AND LASTING CHANGE

ANSWERS TO COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT PARENTING FOR CHANGE

JUST ONE REMINDER: DON’T FORGET TO USE YOUR COMMON SENSE

HOW TO GET A NEW KID—AND STILL KEEP THE ONE YOU HAVE

The Parents Magazine “Joys of Motherhood Survey”

What Mothers Really Feel and Their Advice to Help Us Raise the Next Generation

Part 1 - Family

Adopted

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Divorce

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Middle Child

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

New Baby

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Oldest Child

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Only Child

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Sibling Rivalry

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Twins and Multiples

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Youngest Child

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Part 2 - Behavior

Argues

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Back Talk

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Biting

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Bossy

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Brags

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Defiant

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Demanding

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Hooked on Rewards

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Impulsive

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Indecisive

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Swears

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Tantrums

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Time-Out

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Whining

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Won’t Listen

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Yelling

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Part 3 - Character

Bad Manners

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

EIGHTY-FIVE CRUCIAL MANNERS TO TEACH YOUR CHILD

Cheats

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION Step 1. Early Intervention

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Insensitive

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Intolerant

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Lying

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Materialistic

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Not Knowing Right from Wrong

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Poor Sport

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Selfish and Spoiled

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Steals

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Ungrateful

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Part 4 - Emotions

Angry

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Dependent

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Fearful

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Grief

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Homesick

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Perfectionist

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Pessimistic

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

Sensitive

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Shy

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Separation Anxiety

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Stressed

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Worried About the World

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Part 5 - Social Scene

Bad Friends

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Bullied

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Bullying

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Cliques

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Clothes and Appearance

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Crushes

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Disciplining Other Kids

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Drinking

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Friendship Breakups

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Growing Up Too Fast

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Peer Pressure

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Rejected

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Role Models

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Sex

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Sharing

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Steroids

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

Tattles

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Teased

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Part 6 - School

Day Care

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Gives Up

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Homework

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

DOES YOUR CHILD NEED A TUTOR?

Leadership

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Organized Sports

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Procrastinates

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Reading

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Sick Enough to Stay Home

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Teacher Conference

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Test Anxiety

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Part 7 - Special Needs

Attention Deficit

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Autism Spectrum Disorder

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Depressed

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS

Eating Disorders

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Gifted

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Learning Disabilities

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Overweight

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Part 8 - Day to Day

Bathroom Battles

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Boredom

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Chores

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Communicating

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Disorganized

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Money

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Moving

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Overscheduled

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Pets

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Picky Eater

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Safety

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Sleepless

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Traveling

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Part 9 - Electronics

Cell Phone

THE QUESTION

THE ANSWER

Cyberbullying

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Internet Safety

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

TV Addiction

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Video Games

THE PROBLEM

THE SOLUTION

WHAT TO EXPECT BY STAGES AND AGES

Notes

About the Author

Index

More Praise for Michele Borba—America’s Trusted Parenting Expert

“Award-winning educator and author Michele Borba heads to the top of the class again with a comprehensive go-to guide for parents looking for advice on behavior and development. These 101 practical solutions to parenting cover all ages and stages of childhood and address traditional problems like temper tantrums and sibling rivalry as well as issues unique to the Internet generation of kids. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions should be at every parent’s fingertips for no-nonsense, straightforward answers about childhood behavior challenges.”

—Jennifer Shu, M.D.; editor, American Academy of Pediatrics’ Baby andChild Health; and coauthor, Heading Home with Your Newborn andFood Fights

“The Big Book of Parenting Solutions is a comprehensive resource packed with real-life parenting solutions that you can really trust!”

—Bobbi Conner, host of the nationally syndicated public radio show The Parent’s Journal, and author, Unplugged Play

“Michele Borba offers insightful, realistic, and straightforward advice that is sure to get immediate results.”

—Sally Lee, editor-in-chief, Ladies Home Journal

“Michele Borba has gathered together some of the finest ideas and activities ever collected in one volume for parents. Consistently using the ideas Michele suggests will help your kids lead more successful lives not only now but also for the rest of their lives.”

—Jack Canfield, coauthor, Chicken Soup for the Soul®

“This step-by-step, here’s-how manual is almost like having Michele Borba as your personal parenting trainer.”

—Thomas Lickona, author, Educating for Character and Raising Good Children

“Michele Borba is an inspiring educator, an experienced parent, and a terrific writer. She has identified the core issues for parenting moral kids and presented them with passion, wit, and enormous practicality.”

—Michael Gurian, author, The Minds of Boys, The Good Son, and The Wonder of Boys

“A sensitive, thoughtful, and eminently practical book that will help parents help their children change behavior—and improve the well-being and happiness of the child and the entire family. A wonderful contribution!”

—Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D., child psychiatrist, and coauthor, The Over-Scheduled Child

“12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know is a godsend for all the anxious, stressed-out mothers who worry that they’re not ‘doing enough’ (and that’s pretty much everyone!).”

—Christiane Northrup, M.D.; author, Mother-Daughter Wisdom and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

“A practical, easy-to-read guide, full of great examples to help mothers teach their children the skills that will eventually be invaluable for great success and happiness in college.”

—Richard Kadison, M.D., chief, Mental Health Service, Harvard University Health Services

“I hope this book finds its way into homes all across the country. I know that the strategies, ideas, and activities it provides can make a tremendous difference in the lives of our children.”

—Thomas Armstrong, author,Awakening Your Child’s Natural Genius and In Their Own Way

“I appreciate the message that this book champions and the guidance it provides to mothers struggling to foster a brighter future for their children.”

—Mary Bono Mack, member of Congress, California’s 45th District

“This smart and helpful book integrates much of what we know about raising moral children.”

—William Damon, professor and director, Stanford University Center on Adolescence

“A revolutionary, wonderful, and welcome answer to a mother’s prayers. Michele Borba has shown us all how to be loving moms who raise great kids, without losing our peace of mind, our lives as adults, or our true selves.”

—Phyllis George, former Miss America, pioneer female sportscaster, former first lady of Kentucky, and mother

“While many people in public life decry the lack of character and moral development among our kids, few take this concern further, into the realm of practical steps to address the issue in the lives of real children and youth. Michele Borba has done so in her book Building Moral Intelligence.”

—James Garbarino, author, Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them

“Every reader of this book is sure to have an ah-ha! moment and rediscover the simple joys of parenting.”

—Peggy Fleming Jenkins, 1968 Olympic champion and ABC sports commentator

“Michele Borba articulates the core traits that build and promote responsible citizenship among the young and old alike. Her book is a must-read for parents, educators, and community leaders.”

—Ronald D. Stephens, executive director, National School Safety Center

“A must-read, user-friendly collection of stories, facts, and practical suggestions that will help parents who want their children to become competent, confident, and contributing adults.”

—Jane Bluestein, author, Parents, Teens and Boundaries and The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: Dos and Don’ts of Effective Parenting

“Michele Borba has done it again—she’s written another must-have, must-read book! I highly recommend this book to anyone who cares about kids.”

—Hanoch McCarty, coeditor, A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul® and coauthor, Acts of Kindness

Copyright © 2009 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved.

Published by Jossey-Bass

A Wiley Imprint

989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax [phone], or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax [phone], or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.

Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax [phone].

Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Borba, Michele.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN : 978-0-470-48810-2

1. Child rearing. 2. Parenting. I. Title.

HQ769.B652 2009

649’.1—dc22

2009017415

PB Printing

With love to my father, Daniel Ungaro, who instilledin me the love of writing and research, and the beliefthat a misbehaving child is discouraged and reallyneeds a caring adult to show a different way

Note to the Reader

All the examples in this book are based on cases of children and their families with whom I have worked over the last years or gathered from my actual observations. A few stories are composite cases of children I have treated. All e-mails are personal queries received in my iVillage blog, Parenting Solutions, or posted on my Web site, micheleborba.com. I also presented many of these solutions in over seventy parenting segments as contributor for NBC’s Today show.

As the mother of three boys, I have a natural tendency to overuse the male gender in my examples, so in the interests of maintaining a reasonable gender balance throughout the book, I have somewhat arbitrarily alternated the gender between topics, boy-girl, boy-girl. However, some issues—such as cliques and video gaming—do tend to be gender specific; these circumstances obviate against a strict alternation of the genders within each part of the book. Overall, however, the number of entries using the male gender is equal to the number using the female.

Acknowledgments

Countless people have helped shape my writing and philosophy and the scope of my work in child development over the past few decades. I could never have written this book without their help. I’m sure many are not even aware of just how great their influence has been. To all I extend profound appreciation. In particular . . .

To the dozens of teachers and administrators who allowed me the privilege of conducting research at their school sites to analyze the effectiveness of implementing these ideas with their students. I am grateful to each and every one of them for so honestly sharing their concerns and successes with me.

To the publishing staff at Jossey-Bass—having the good fortune to produce seven books with this dedicated group is a true privilege. To Alan Rinzler, executive editor extraordinaire and friend: wise, meticulous, and always ready with support. Words can’t express my gratitude for having him as an editor for seven of my books. To some of the finest publishing staff around, who clearly made this book far better: Jennifer Wenzel, marketing manager; Nana Twumasi, editorial assistant; Erik Thrasher, marketing director; Carol Hartland, production editor; and Mike Onorato and Lori Sayde-Mehrtens, Wiley publicists. In particular, I thank Debra Hunter, the president of Jossey-Bass, and Paul Foster, the publisher, for their faithful support and the privilege of writing for them over these many years together. And to Michele Jones, the world’s most meticulous and competent copyeditor. Thank you. I could not have finished the process without you.

To Joelle DelBourgo, my agent, for her stellar competence and for lending an ear at always just the right time. Believe me, every writer should have this woman in her corner.

To the folks at NBC’s Today show, in particular Jim Bell, executive producer, and Marc Victor, senior producer, for the honor of working with the NBC family. To producers Rainy Farrell, Antoinette Machiaverna, Debbie Kosofsky, and Jaclyn Levin for their support and for suggesting many of these challenges as segments. And especially to Dana Haller for producing over fifty of my segments, constantly stretching me to find real solutions and always an absolute joy to work with.

To the iVillage staff—both past and present—including Diane Randall Jones, Sheila O’Malley, Christian Martin, and Betsy Alexander. Most especially I thank Pat Sandora for his constant support and always “being there” behind every e-mail.

To Diane Debrovner, senior editor of Parents magazine, for ongoing support but also for helping me develop and conduct the Parents magazine “Joys of Motherhood Survey.” Those results are what really planted the seeds for this book. To Dana Point, editor in chief, and to all the Parents editors for the privilege of speaking with so many of your great writers about these topics and the honor of serving on your advisory board.

To Anne Leedom, founder of Net Connect Publicity and Parentingbookmark.com, for her incredible publicity skills, eternal optimism, and steadfast friendship; and to Steve Leedom, founder of digitalmindmedia.com and my Web designer, for having such a gift for putting my vision onto paper and always making it far better than what I could ever imagine. To Dottie DeHart, of DeHart and Company, for teaching me everything I needed to know to survive media and publicity hurdles and being such a great pal who never ceases to give me unending encouragement.

To the numerous researchers, therapists, and educators whose work has contributed enormously to my philosophy about child development over the years. In particular I thank a few individuals who offered valuable insights about their expertise during conversations—though they probably aren’t aware of just how much they helped me formulate my own beliefs. Thanks go to David Fassler (stress), Gay Norton Edelman (“accessory parenting” and tweens), Barbara Turvett (motherhood and maintaining balance), Sally Talala (Autism Spectrum Disorder), Jerry Perez (creative play and “benign codependency”), Marilyn Lane and Sheryl Deeds (gifted), Tom Lickona (character development),Tamar Chansky (negative thinking patterns), Kenneth Ginsburg (redefining success), Peter Scharf (Kohlberg and morality), Harold Koplewicz (depression), Deborah Roedder John (materialism and self-esteem), Thomas Armstrong (multiple intelligences and ADHD), Caryl Miller (secondary parenting), Linda Acredolo (early child development), Michael Gurian (gender), Eric Staub (empathy), Michael Vitelli (electronic gaming), Parry Aftab (cyberbullying), Bobbi Conner (play and creativity), Marvin Berkowitz (moral reasoning), the folks at the Thompson Child and Family Focus (adoption and attachment disorder), Phil Vincent (parenting), and especially Hal Urban, teacher extraordinaire, friend, and the voice of reason when it comes to book titles. All these folks are not only great thinkers but also fabulous cheerleaders who have helped me get through this writing process far better than they know. Your work has been a godsend to children and of extraordinary help to me. I only hope I’ve done it justice.

And to my family, who have really made the difference in my life. To my husband and best friend, Craig, for his unending support and love through every phase of my life—but particularly this project; to my parents, Dan and Treva Ungaro, for epitomizing that miraculous concept, “unconditional love”; to my mother-in-law, Lorayne Borba, for her continual encouragement and optimism; to my darling daughter-in-law, Tiffany; and to the true joys of my life: my three great sons, Jason, Adam, and Zach, for keeping me so grounded in reality and for the constant love and fun they have brought to my life.

During the time I was writing this book, my son Jason was deployed to Iraq. The experience affected my parenting like no other, as I’m sure is the case for so many other mothers and fathers of sons and daughters who serve. Profound gratitude to Lucille Alosi, Murf Ryan, Tom Lickona, and Hal Urban for their unending support and prayers (they worked!) and to Ester Khubyar, an extraordinary woman who I chanced to meet for no more than three minutes and who became my guardian angel, helping me get through those days with her astonishing acts of kindness. Finally, to the incredible guys of the 187th 3rd platoon: bless you, thank you, and stay safe.

Introduction

From June Cleaver to Desperate Housewives—How Did We Get Ourselves into This Mess?

Your six-year-old and his pal are playing the video game Conker’s Bad Fur Day about a cute little squirrel. Your kid begged for it, so you gave in. But now you’re horrified: the sweet little squirrel is getting drunk at a bar, throwing up, and then blacking out, swearing profusely all the while.

The pediatrician begins, “I’m concerned that your daughter is anorexic.” This must be a mistake, you think. She’s only eight, but deep down you know the doctor is only confirming what you’ve suspected for some time.

Your twelve-year-old barrels into the kitchen. “Sorry I’m late, Mom,” she begins. “Some eighth grader threatened to kill the teachers because he flunked a test. And he even had a gun! Can you imagine?” No, you can’t imagine at all.

Ah, the joys of raising our next generation! Frankly, I can’t imagine any other job that is more challenging and rewarding, frustrating and joyous than parenting. It’s perhaps the most significant role we’ll ever have (we’re talking about raising a human being, for Pete’s sake) and also the only one that doesn’t require a single credential. And it’s the kind of job that you can finally sort of figure out how to do right—by the time you’re done. From the everyday challenges like getting your kids to brush their teeth, say “please,” or make their beds, to the more worrisome issues, such as drinking, sexual promiscuity, or eating disorders, raising kids has never been easy. But many people feel that it has gotten harder over the last few years.

In a recent poll, 76 percent of the respondents said they felt that parenting is getting much tougher and that it is far more difficult to parent now than when they grew up. You probably won’t get an argument with most folks on that one, but here is a statistic of greater concern: about 60 percent of adults also feel that today’s parents are not measuring up to the standards set just a generation ago.1 In fact, most Americans feel that moms are doing a far worse job than their own mothers did just twenty or thirty years ago. (If I haven’t hit a nerve so far, this next one should do it.) What’s more, the majority of moms and dads today agree with their low performance ratings and feel that they’ve been unsuccessful in their parenting endeavors.2

But the situation gets even more troubling: many parents confess that they aren’t even enjoying their kids! One-third of the parents in one survey said that if they were to do it all over again, they would not start a family.3 For the past few decades, I have watched this troubling parenting trend unfold, and I have to tell you that I’m greatly concerned about the state of the American family.

I’ve spent my professional life in the field of child development, and all those varied experiences helped form my beliefs. I earned a doctorate in educational counseling and psychology and a master’s degree in learning disabilities. I have taught emotionally and physically challenged kids and kids with learning disabilities; I have also taught gifted and talented students, and briefly had a private practice for troubled kids. I’ve worked as a consultant in hundreds of schools and organizations around the globe, spoken to thousands of parents at workshops, personally worked with scores of kids, wrote a number of parenting books, and raised three great sons (spoken like a proud mom and by far my best training). Through those years, I focused on infants through tweens.

Then I became a contributor to NBC’s Today show, and I suddenly gained a whole new perspective that dramatically stretched my views. The topics I was asked to report on often dealt with tough, news-breaking issues facing adolescents, such as depression, stress, sex, and risky teen behaviors. Preparing for each segment (over seventy at this point) allowed me an incredible opportunity to comb stacks of new research. What I saw was a very troubling trend in the lives of American kids: they were having problems coping, bouncing back, and handling life—particularly as they left home and had to fend for themselves.

One segment confirmed it all. I was on the Today set with Meredith Viera. It was December, and students who had finished their first college semester were coming home for the Christmas and New Year’s break. I was there to warn parents that new research showed that more than 50 percent of freshman college students felt so depressed that it was difficult for them to function.4 Suicide rates were soaring—in just that one year alone, there was a 114 percent spike among adolescents, girls in particular. Counselors predicted many freshmen would never graduate because their mental health needs were so severe. Ironically this was the same group that experts said had the closest relationship with their parents: much loved, indulged, coddled, and unable to deal with life independently.

That was my “aha” moment: how these young people had been parented hadn’t done them any favors. Each additional Today segment I did showed the same troubling trends: stress rising, risky behaviors increasing, peer pressure and bullying skyrocketing. Something was amiss in American Kidsville. But it turned out that parents’ weren’t fairing well either.

NBC asked me to be a parenting contributor for the iVillage online community and write a blog called Dr. Borba’s Parenting Solutions. I’ve since posted dozens of articles and also received scores of e-mails from moms seeking advice. But there was a clearly discernible difference between these queries and those I had received in the past. These mothers were more stressed and worried—even overwhelmed. They were trying so hard. Wanting so for their kids to be happy and successful. Their love and intentions were there, but they were also doing so much for their kids that they were forgetting to take care of themselves.

What I saw over and over was a lack of confidence in their mothering. These moms were always second-guessing themselves and seemed to spend a lot of time comparing themselves and their kids with other moms. Around the same time, I reported results from a Parenting magazine survey on the Today show, and it was déjà vu. In that survey, 96 percent of mothers admitted feeling stressed; 73 percent felt that yesterday’s moms had it easier; and 67 percent felt that yesterday’s mothers were happier.5

Don’t get me wrong: we clearly are doing some things right. For starters, today’s children are smarter. Their IQ scores are even increasing.6 (Really!) All those extra tutors and pricey extracurricular activities seem to be paying off (by the way, American kids are now the most scheduled in the world7), but at a stiff price. By all benchmarks, today’s children are sadder;8 more materialistic,9 narcissistic,10 anxious,11 stressed,12 disrespectful, 13 and ill behaved; and poorly prepared to cope with life.14 And that’s just for starters.

Deep down I think most parents realize that their kids aren’t turning out as well as they’d dreamed. It’s a big reason why many feel so darn guilty and stressed out and are just not enjoying their family life. It’s also why so many lack confidence in their job performance and are turning to others for reassurance and pointers on parenting. (We’ll get to those a bit later.) But for now let’s explore how we got ourselves into such a sorry state—what’s causing the breakdown of our children’s mental health, behavior, and character, and the rise of our own stress, the lack of confidence in our parenting abilities, and our unhappiness in our role.

THE PROBLEMS WITH MOST MODERN-DAY PARENTING APPROACHES

Over the last few decades, there has been a major change in how we raise our kids, and the descriptions of modern-day parenting are far from flattering. Try these for starters: helicopter parenting, incubator parenting, snowplowing, paranoid parenting, hyper-parenting, and accessory parenting. I can’t help but envision kids on their knees praying for someone to stop the insanity. In just a matter of a few decades, we’ve morphed ourselves from Marion Cunningham of Happy Days to characters in Desperate Housewives. No wonder Judith Warner called modern motherhood “perfect madness.”15

In all fairness, our more frantic, super-octane-charged mode is at least partly due to today’s culture. June Cleaver or Carol Brady didn’t have to deal with such hair-raising issues as cyberbullying, school shootings, online predators, and Facebook when they raised their broods. Nor would Clair Huxtable or Laura Petrie have read any parenting book including such serious issues as school-age children’s eating disorders, depression, and worrying about the world. But let’s get beyond the culture for a minute, because that isn’t the only thing that has changed. We’re also raising our kids differently, and our new approaches aren’t doing them any favors. In fact, many of these approaches contradict over fifty years of solid research that shows what kids really do need for solid character, emotional health, and fulfillment. Several modern-day child-rearing approaches are so toxic to effective parenting that I call them the Seven Deadly Parenting Styles. I am convinced that using them is a big part of why we’re so darn dissatisfied, stressed out, and lacking confidence in our parenting.

THE SEVEN DEADLY PARENTING STYLES

Take a minute to review each style and be brutally honest. Might any of these be what you’re using as a parenting approach? If so, here is a crucial point to know: before you can change your child, you must first change how you respond to your child. Might your parenting approach need altering first?

Deadly Style 1: Helicopter Parenting

Hovering over your kids, hurrying to smooth every one of life’s bumps

It’s a bird . . . it’s a plane . . . it’s a helicopter parent! 16 These parents constantly hover, and stop at next to nothing when it concerns their kids. They finish their homework, do and redo those science projects, and make sure their kids have every advantage. After all, they’ve invested too much energy into parenting; nothing should stand in the way of their kids’ success. And if it does, watch out. Helicopter parents go into Black Hawk mode, swooping in for the rescue and solving each and every problem.

But all that parental involvement can backfire. This style can keep kids in a perpetual state of dependency through adulthood, leaving them unprepared to handle the many curve balls that life is sure to throw at them. If you’ve always been rescued or micromanaged, you may have had too little practice in developing such critical life skills as self-reliance, decision making, and problem solving. It’s why large numbers of “copter kids” often suffer from what has been called “problem-solving deficit disorder”17 and have trouble developing confidence in their own capabilities and coping out there in the real world.

The Change to Parent For Learn to be involved but not intrusive in your child’s life so that she develops a healthy sense of independence and can cope someday without you.

Deadly Style 2: Incubator “Hothouse” Parenting

Pushing your kids into learning earlier than appropriate for their cognitive age and developmental level

There’s nothing new about parents wanting their children to excel, but these days their quest is all about raising the Superkid (aka “a mentally superior child”).18 Hothouse parents start in early: piping classical music into the nursery, using flash cards and Baby Einstein tapes (which have no proven value) to prepare their infant for reading, giving violin lessons to toddlers, and enrolling kindergartners in chess classes. Forget what developmental guidelines, based on years of scientific observation, recommend as suitable to your child’s age and stage. Time is of the essence, so these parents push, push, push, all so their kids will (they hope) achieve, achieve, achieve.

A part of this push is the current standard of “success” determined by a portfolio of numbers, and these days there is no child left untested. From preschool admission tests to LSATs—it’s making us crazy worrying that our kids aren’t going to be good enough. So there’s no time for play. It’s all about tutoring (which is now a billion-dollar industry), using educational toys (another billion-dollar industry), doing extra “mind-building” activities, and studying. But we’re seeing an impact from this parenting style that isn’t pretty.

Kid stress, anxiety, and perfectionism have never been higher; their honesty quotients, never lower. Kid cheating is now of epidemic proportions, all because we’ve pushed character and developmental appropriateness out of our child-rearing formula.

The Change to Parent For Learn to appreciate your child’s natural talents and abilities, and fit your parenting to your child’s developmental stage.

Deadly Style 3: (Quick-Fix) Band-Aid Parenting

Relying on fast solutions to temporarily fix a problem instead aiming for real, lasting change

We’re tired. We’re harried. We’re short on time, and we’re trying to make ends meet. We need everything to be easy and quick, including our approach to discipline. We’ll do anything to get our kids to act right—as long as it’ll work right now. So we use that “1-2-3 Method” (“That’s warning one . . . warning two . . . warning three”) to head off a tantrum, buy those fancy behavior charts, promise our kid a new Lexus if he’s good, and even give out pills. Seriously.

Experts warn that this pill-popping craze is a big reason that the use of drugs designed to curb hyperactivity have tripled since 1993.19 It’s just easier to give the pill than to teach kids a new way to behave, eh? Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a former special education teacher, and I bless the pharmaceutical industry. There are some kids who do need prescribed medication to help them control their impulses. My concern is about those times when we rely on this Band-Aid approach really just to make life easier for ourselves. Let’s just admit it.

Besides, these quick-fix strategies only teach kids to act right based on warnings, rewards, or pills. Effective discipline always is instructive and helps the child learn how to right his wrong. A quick-fix style may bring temporary relief, but almost never creates real, lasting change, which is why many of our kids keep relapsing back to those same bad behaviors and we end up more exhausted and discouraged.

The Change to Parent For Learn that the most effective way to discipline is always to take a few minutes to help your child understand what was wrong and how to make things right.

Deadly Style 4: Buddy Parenting

Placing popularity with your child above establishing limits and boundaries or saying no

Nearly half of parents today admit that deep down they want to be their “child’s best friend,”20 and there sure is no bigger friendship ender than saying no. We can’t stand the idea of making an unpopular decision, turning our kids down, or (heaven forbid) disciplining our kids if doing so might cause them to resent us in any way.

And it appears that our kids have our number. One survey of grade school kids found that when they crave something new, most expect to ask nine times before their parents give in.21 Of course we want our kids to like us—and someday they will become our friends. Right now they need a parent who sets rules and boundaries and doesn’t blur the line between buddy and adult. Besides, the truth is that our inability to turn our kids down isn’t helping them grow to be secure, responsible, resilient, and compassionate. Instead, it is creating what most adults believe is the most spoiled and ill-behaved generation ever. Over 80 percent of adults think kids today are more spoiled than kids were just ten or fifteen years ago.22

The Change to Parent For Learn to set clear boundaries and firm limits, take back your control, and realize that what your child needs most is a parent and not a friend.

Deadly Style 5: Accessory Parenting

Measuring your worth and success as a parent on the basis of your child’s accolades

Forget healthy and well adjusted—over the past two decades, what has taken precedence is spawning the “perfect” child whom we can proudly show off. And thus dawned the era of the Trophy Kid Syndrome. Every little accomplishment, test score, or hockey goal suddenly became bragging rights, and oh, how parents using this style love sharing those accolades. Just in case anyone missed hearing about little Buford’s latest achievement, refrigerators are always plastered with all his achievements, certificates, and gold star papers. The newest trophy—among thousands—is sure to be displayed proudly on the mantel.

Showing them off is all part of the style, as every new trophy and recently earned award is a direct reflection of how well the child has been parented. And a child’s success is a living representation of a parent’s own worth.

Gay Norton Edelman, senior editor of Family Circle, aptly termed this style “accessory parenting.” All is fine and dandy if a parent can share something meritorious to the rest of the world or at least with the neighbor next door. (“Susie is in the gifted program, you know.” “Can you believe it? Keithy made captain again.”) But if the child fails or receives a less than perfect score, it can only mean that the parent somehow flunked. This style of parenting is really about making our children an extension of our own wants, needs, and dreams. It fuels excessive competitiveness among parents and creates enormous guilt and stress if we feel that our kids aren’t measuring up, leaving our kids feeling as though they’ve let us down. If the accessory parenting style continues, the child’s identity is threatened, and an unhealthy codependency emerges, with both parent and kid depending on each other for their sense of self-worth.

The Change to Parent For Learn to see your child as a unique individual separate from yourself, and tailor your parenting to her own special traits, talents, and needs.

Deadly Style 6: Paranoid Parenting

Obsessively keeping your child safe from any physical or psychological harm

Keeping kids safe is always a top parent priority, but these days there is a heightened fear of letting our kids out of our sight for even a nanosecond. The best name for this over-the-top always worried style is paranoid parenting.23 Of course, turning into a nervous wreck isn’t hard when we’re constantly reminded of dangers looming everywhere and threatening our children’s safety and well-being. Kidnappers. Terrorism. School shootings. Sex predators. Cyberbullying. Online pedophiles. Tainted food. Lead-painted toys.

It’s scary out there, so we rein our kids in a little tighter. We watch them closer and we protect far more—and sometimes to the extreme.

“Don’t do that! You could get hurt!” “Don’t talk to strangers!” “Don’t go too far!”

We provide our kindergartners with those new cell phones lined with sweet Disney characters “just in case they’re snatched by a child molester.” We install webcams in our homes so we can peek in to ensure that our children aren’t being abused by the nanny. We purchase kid jackets embedded with GPS trackers and hand sanitizers to keep them germ free. We even think about buying those backpacks lined with a bulletproof plate that protects against gunfire (designed by a couple of very concerned dads).24

But constantly fretting about dangers that “might” happen only breeds fear into kids. In fact, the more we tighten our safety net, the more obsessed we become and the more anxious and less confident our kids turn out. Is it any wonder that today’s kids are more anxious than any other generation?25

The Change to Parent For Learn to relax a bit more, realize when you’re being too protective so that your child learns to face life, and handle your own worries so that you don’t pass your fears to your child.

Deadly Style 7: Secondary Parenting

Relinquishing your influence such that your children’s world is controlled more by outsiders, including corporations, marketers, and the media26

In case you haven’t noticed, today’s kids are media driven. Computers. Wii. You-Tube. Video games. TV. Facebook. iPods. DVDs. Cell phones. It’s no wonder they’re called the plugged-in generation. Many kids spend more time involved with media than with anything else but sleeping.27 Research shows that 99 percent of boys and 94 percent of girls ages twelve to seventeen play computer, Web, portable, or console games.28

Television viewing has increased by more than an hour a day from just five years ago. Considering that almost two-thirds of all eight- to eighteen-year-olds have a TV in their bedroom, that’s an easy accomplishment.29 Even two- to seven-year-olds are putting in an average of about three hours per day of “screen time.”30 Children are especially vulnerable because they believe what they see. And make no mistake: they are bombarded with an incessant parade of images—of sex, alcohol use, violence, vulgarity, and commercialism—that are pushing them to grow up too fast too soon.

But there’s another danger: all that “plugged-in” time means less face-to-face time with us. Once we take a “secondary” role in our child’s eyes, we begin to lose our power, and the prevailing culture becomes our substitute. Your child becomes more vulnerable to outside pressures; he is more likely to rely on someone other than you to guide him, and more likely to adopt others’ values.

The Change to Parent For Realize that you are the most powerful influence in guiding your child’s values, attitudes, and behavior as well as in protecting him against risky behaviors; intentionally find ways to stay more involved in your child’s life.

SO HOW DO WE CHANGE?

We’ve made parenting much too hard. We’ve gotten ourselves further away from solid, basic parenting, throwing out the core principles of effective parenting established by more than fifty years of research in the child development field. We began relying on what everyone else thought and less and less on our own instincts. Our quick-fix endeavors only fueled those annoying behaviors. One thing is clear: staying stuck in our present “autoparent” mode won’t do our kids or ourselves any favors.

It’s time that we change. Take back parenting. Use our instincts. Roll up our sleeves and dig in. No more quick fixes: let’s take on one issue at a time and turn things around until we get the change we want in our kids. For the sake of ourselves and our families . . . it’s time.

GEARING UP FOR REAL AND LASTING CHANGE

“My four-year-old’s tantrums are nuclear. Time-outs work at the moment, but a few hours later he has another meltdown. How do I stop these exorcisms once and for all?”

“My daughter is such a pessimist. Is there a way to change her attitude so she has a more positive view about life instead of such a doom-and-gloom mentality?”

“My son’s teacher says he has ADHD and should be on Ritalin. Is there anything we can do to help him without pills?”

“Mealtime is a nightmare because my daughter is such a picky eater that I’m worried she’ll develop an eating disorder. How do I help her develop healthier eating habits?”

Did you ever think child rearing could be so darn difficult? If you’re feeling a tad bit confused or even at your wit’s end about your kid’s behavior, believe me: you’re not alone. I receive dozens of e-mails every week from parents asking for help.

“When should I worry?” “Is my child’s behavior normal?” “Nothing works!” “He just keeps doing the same thing!” “What am I doing wrong?”

It isn’t as if you haven’t tried finding ways to stop those annoying behaviors, implement strong values, and teach your kids to “Just say no!” You’ve bought every parent book off the shelf and checked countless others from the library. You’ve read dozens of online articles (which are certainly ample these days; I just Googled the word parenting and got 84,300,000 hits in 0.16 seconds). You’ve talked to your pediatrician and almost (well next to almost) had the courage to ask your mother-in-law. You’ve sought out those experts but are even more confused—each one gives you a different approach. You’ve tried all those cute solutions that your girlfriends swear work for her kid, but they don’t work for yours.

Despite your efforts, there is no change. Oh sure, the time-out or that newest discipline fad may have curbed your kid’s annoying behavior at the moment, but the following day, that same old bad behavior returns.

Why? Well, the reason is that you really didn’t parent for change—real, lasting, permanent change. After all, your parenting goal is to help your children learn to act right, behave, develop healthy lifestyle choices, and make wise decisions on their own someday. The problem is that most parenting manuals these days aim for the quick fix. All those books and articles give lots of tips and advice, but they fall short in that their approach doesn’t show you how to parent so that the problem is replaced with a new and improved behavior or attitude and doesn’t return. Now that’s a different approach to parenting. And that’s really what we want for our kids. Right?

My goal is to help you parent for that lasting change you want in your child. That’s a big part of how this book is different from any other parenting manual. This book provides step-by-step strategies based on proven scientific findings as to how to make that desired change a reality. No more hiring an outside therapist or parent coach to do so. I’ll guide you through the steps. I’ll ask you questions to help you figure out what’s really going on with your child. I’ll give you emergency intervention strategies as well as more effective responses for you to try. I’ll warn you when you should worry and tell you when it is time to get outside help. I’ll also provide new habits to teach your child that will replace her current inappropriate behavior or attitude.

I’ll be your personal coach in helping you take on that parenting challenge that concerns you right now. Your job is to commit to making that change, be willing to alter your current response and adopt a more effective one, and hang in there with me. But above all, what I want you to do is use your instinct and common sense about what really will work best for your child. And if you do, here’s what I guarantee: a changed child and a more confident and satisfied parent—you! So let’s get started.

ANSWERS TO COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT PARENTING FOR CHANGE

I’ve provided all the tools you need to help you deal with the top 101 contemporary child-rearing challenges. All these strategies are based on sound psychological principles and proven scientific research. I’ll show you step-by-step how to achieve the change you want.

Before we begin, however, here are answers to a few of the most common questions you may have as you parent for the change you desire for your child:

When can I begin using the strategies for change in this book?

This book is designed to be used immediately. In fact, as soon as you finish reading this Introduction, you’ll have everything you need to start parenting for change.

I know you don’t have time to wade through pages of child development theory about problems that don’t concern your child at this moment. So don’t read about issues that don’t apply to your situation or child. Instead, refer to the table of contents and identify the challenge that concerns you now. Then flip to those pages, where you will find step-by-step strategies and solutions that tell you what to do and how to make that change happen. Not only will this approach save you time by focusing on only one issue at a time, but you’ll be more likely to succeed with the goal you set for yourself.

How were the 101 parenting challenges in the book selected?

I wanted to ensure that the topics addressed parents’ most pressing concerns, so I used a variety of sources. I combed the contents of leading parenting magazines, especially Parents, as I’m on their advisory board, which helps me stay current with upcoming features. I asked five thousand parents in workshops in twenty-five cities to write their top concerns. I sifted through dozens of e-mails sent to my Web site and iVillage blog, and I also reviewed my Today show segments over the past two years because they are based on late-breaking news. The 101 top-ranked parenting challenges from those sources became the contents of this book.

Will these strategies work for all kids?

The strategies are especially designed for children three to thirteen years of age and will work for all genders, races, religions, and cultures. I know so because I’ve tested these strategies with parents on four different continents, from Hutterite colonies, Lutheran ministries, and Native American longhouses to Catholic schools, Jewish synagogues, and Muslim charter schools. Even so, keep this rule in mind: effective parenting is always tailored to a child’s specific needs and stage of development, so feel free to alter any strategy to fit your kid.

What if I can’t find the challenge or problem I want to change in my child?

Although there are 101 issues, you may not find your particular challenge, so look in the table of contents to find the issue most similar to your concern. For instance, if you want to curb interrupting, you can go to Demanding for insights and techniques. You can flip to more than one issue to find helpful strategies. For example, if your child is hitting, try Angry and Biting. Each issue also provides recommendations to refer to other challenges elsewhere in the book as sources of additional strategies. Let’s suppose you wanted to help your child with her shyness. Go to the contents and find Shy. Once you’ve turned to that entry, you will see that Rejected, Sensitive, Stressed, and Teased are recommended for review.

Do I have to use all the solutions for each issue to see change?

I’ve intentionally listed more solutions than you’ll need in order to parent for the desired change. So select only those strategies you feel will work best for your child. If the problem is new or not severe, focus on strategies listed in the first step, Early Intervention. Strategies in the second step, Rapid Response, are designed to help you change a more entrenched issue or one that needs immediate intervention. The final step of change, Develop Habits for Change, provides strategies that teach more appropriate behaviors or habits to replace the inappropriate behaviors or attitudes. Be sure to teach your child at least one replacement. Without teaching a new habit (or replacement), you’ll find that your child generally reverts to the old behavior, and you’re back where you started from.

How many challenges can I take on at a time?

I strongly recommend that you take on only one—but no more than two—challenges (or areas needing improvement) at a time. You’ll be able to put more energy into the change instead of spreading yourself in too many different directions. You’ll also be more likely to reap positive gains because you are more focused on what really needs altering.

How do I know how big of a change I should take on?

It’s critical that you set expectations that are both realistic and attainable for your child. Unrealistic goals overwhelm kids, creating only frustration and tears. So identify what needs changing, then ask yourself one critical question: What was my child capable of doing yesterday? For a picky eater, that may be tasting one tiny portion of a vegetable. For an impulsive kid, it may be doing homework without help for only five minutes. Next think in terms of “one step more,” then aim your expectations accordingly. For example, help your picky eater by giving her just two tiny vegetable portions, or have your impulsive child do homework without your help for six minutes. The trick is to break expectations into smaller, more manageable chunks so that your child can succeed, then gently stretch your expectations to fit his capabilities. Imagining a rubber band may help: just stretch your child gently toward that new positive change without snapping her spirit!

Should I tell other caregivers about the plan?

Absolutely! The more that caregivers are on the same page with your change plan, generally the easier and faster the change. So always seek the counsel or support of spouses, partners, immediate and extended family, and all those other adults who care about your child (such as teachers, coaches, relatives, babysitters, day-care workers), even if the person sees your child just a few minutes a day. That doesn’t mean you have to divulge your plans to the rest of the world, but if you can get at least one person to reinforce your endeavors, there is a greater likelihood that you will succeed.

Why doesn’t punishment make my child want to change?

Punishment usually only stops the inappropriate action in the moment, but doesn’t help the child learn what to do differently. Real change requires that a child understand what’s wrong; why it’s worth the effort to adopt a new approach, action, or lifestyle; and what to do as a replacement. Further, the child needs opportunities to practice the new behavior or belief and be reinforced for good efforts until he finally adopts the change for good.

Is it okay to use rewards or stickers to get my child to try harder?

If you think your child will respond to rewards or a sticker chart, then go for it. Some kids need a little jump-start to get started on the road to change. The trick is in knowing when to stop doling out monetary rewards, stickers, or prizes; you don’t want your child to learn to rely on them to act right or even to expect you to up the ante. Wean your child of tangible reinforcements as soon as she no longer needs them. Keep in mind that research shows that smiles, hugs, and verbal praise work just as well—and often are even more effective—in changing a child’s behavior.

Why does my child work so hard not to change?

Let’s face it: it’s just easier for all of us to do what we’re used to doing. Change isn’t easy and can even be a bit scary. Learning a new behavior or adopting a new attitude pushes us out of our comfort zone into unknown territory. It’s easy to revert to our old, more comfortable ways. So you should expect your child to test you to see if you are really serious about your new approach. But habits, behaviors, and attitudes are changeable—so hang in there. A big part of change is not just teaching a new habit but also helping your child “see herself” in the new image. The former image may remind her of that same “old” kid who was afraid, who was a bad sport, or who lies (or whatever behavior you’re trying to change).

How long will it take to see the desired change?

A general rule is that the longer a child uses an inappropriate behavior or attitude, the harder it is to change (which is why you always want to nip those bad behaviors in the bud). But each issue is different, just as each child is different. You may be surprised to see that some issues are much easier and faster to “fix” than others. The key is not to give up until you see the desired change.

Why don’t the strategies work the same for each of my kids?

The plain truth is that strategies, discipline, and parenting responses that worked for one child often won’t work for another—even if your kids are identical twins. That’s because when it comes to raising kids, nature as well as your nurturing matters, so all those factors like temperament, genetics, and even learning styles enter into the picture. It’s why your oldest might need only to see you raise your eyebrows and know that enough is enough, whereas your middle child may require a lot more reinforcement and stern reminders to get his act together. A big part of parenting for change is to figure out the response that works best for each child. Once you figure that out, you’ve struck gold—you’ve discovered the secret of effective parenting.

How do I know when I’ve succeeded in making the change?

When your child can finally use the new skill, lifestyle, habit, attitude, or behavior in real life, you know you have succeeded. She’ll no longer need an adult to guide or reinforce the desired change. You’ll also find that you no longer have to put so much energy into reminding or correcting your child. Your child’s self-image will also change. He’ll notice the change in himself. “I’m not biting so much.” “I’m not afraid of the dark.” “Don’t worry. I know how to be a good sport now if I strike out.” Once your child adopts a change, you may be in store for an added surprise and see additional positive transformation in your child. There is some truth to that old saying, “Success begets success.”

What if I don’t get the desired change?

Change usually comes in little spurts. So don’t assume that change isn’t happening just because you don’t get instant results (which are quite rare, believe me). But you should see a gradual reduction of the inappropriate behavior or slow adoption of the new belief. If you don’t see that gradual change, then here are a few factors to consider that might be standing in your way:

Are your expectations realistic for your child?

Are you consistent with your new response?

Are you delivering the new response in a cool and calm way?

Are you teaching a new habit to replace your child’s inappropriate response?

Are you providing opportunities for your child to practice that new response so that she feels comfortable using it?

Are you reinforcing your child’s efforts and giving at least five positive comments to every negative comment?

Are other important caregivers on board with you or reinforcing your efforts?

Are other factors (for example, depression, illness, stress, trauma, learning disabilities) contributing to the problem?