12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know E-Book

Michele Borba

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 405

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

Best-selling parenting guru Michele Borba, the mother of three, has surveyed 5,000 mothers for their experience and wisdom in raising happier, more confident kids by returning to a more natural, authentic kind of mothering. She shares 12 top secrets of successful moms culled from her research and shows how to apply them to your family. You'll learn how to... * Apply the 12 essential principles that child experts and 5,000 parents say matter most in good mothering * Raise children with confidence, resilience, and character * Create a customized mothering plan and use it so it leads to success with your child * Cut the guilt and reduce the stress by sticking to what really counts in parenting good kids today * Discover simple ways to make big differences in your family's life

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Praise

THE 12 SIMPLE SECRETS OF REAL MOTHERING

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Acknowledgments

note to the reader

Introduction

Defining Real

Getting Back to Real Mothering

The Benefits of Being a Real Mother

Like a Hamster on a Wheel

Fond Memories of Real Moms

Six Core Principles of Real Mothering

What About Fathers?

How Do You Want to Be Remembered?

How to Use This Book

How to Get the Most Out of This Book

Part One - How Can a Real Mom Give Her Children Love That Lasts for Always?

chapter one - From the Sacrificial Mom to the Child Who Can Thrive Without You

Are You Ready to Make a Change?

chapter two - What Is a Real Mom These Days?

What Happened to Pat-a-Cake and Peek-a-Boo?

When Did Mothering Become a Billion-Dollar Profit Center?

How Did We Get from June Cleaver to Motherhood Mania?

The Urge to Be Supermom

chapter three - Why Being a “Sacrificial Mom” Is Bad for Your Kids

What Do the Kids Say?

The Impact of Stress

The Birth of Hyperparenting

What About Responsibility and Character?

What Happens When Our Kids Get to College?

chapter four - Can Our Kids Make It on Their Own?

So Do Our Kids Live Happily Ever After, or What?

The Twelve Qualities Your Child Needs for a Life That’s Happily Ever After

Creating Your Own Custom Mothering Plan

Part two - The 12 Simple Secrets of Real Mothering

real mom’s secret 1 - A Mother Who Loves Teaches Worth

“She Learned to Show Her Unconditional Love”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Five Steps to Boosting Your Sensitivity

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 2 - A Mother Who Is Firm and Fair Gives Her Children a Moral ...

“She Knew She Needed to Be a Parent, Not Her Kid’s Best Friend”

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Nine Steps to Squelching Bad Behaviors Firmly and Fairly

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 3 - A Mother Who Listens Shows Her Children They Matter

“She Gave Her Child Complete Presence”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Four Steps to Listening with Full Presence

Seven Simple Ways to Keep Your Kids Talking (So You Can Listen More)

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 4 - A Mother Who Is a Good Role Model Gives Her Children an ...

“She Set a Great Example”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Four Steps to Becoming a Better Role Model

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 5 - A Mother Who Teaches Values Inspires Character

“She Prioritized Her Values So Her Family Could Have a Code to Live By”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Four Steps to Boosting Intentionality

Six Simple Steps to Boosting Empathy and Compassion in Your Kids

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 6 - A Mother Who Supports Her Children’s Strengths Builds ...

“She Treats Each of Her Children as Individuals”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Six Steps to Treating Your Child as an Individual

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 7 - A Mother Who Encourages Independence Cultivates Self-Reliance

“She Taught Her Children to Live Without Her”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Six Steps to Helping Your Child Become Self-Reliant

Three Simple Steps to Helping Your Child Handle Mistakes

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 8 - A Mother Who Applauds Effort Nurtures Perseverance

“She Applauded Her Child’s Efforts”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Five Steps to Building Self-Reliance and a Good Work Ethic

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 9 - A Mother Who Accepts Her Children’s Shortcomings Nurtures Resilience

“She Accepted Her Child as He Was”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Three Steps to Unlocking Your Child’s Strengths

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 10 - A Mother Who Takes Time for Her Children Helps Them ...

“She Never Gave Up!”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Four Steps to Restoring a Healthy and Loving Relationship with Your Child

Three Signs That You Should Worry and Seek Help

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 11 - A Mother Who Laughs Teaches Joy

“She Realized Her Family Needed Time for Fun”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Four Steps to Creating Family Rituals and Increasing the Laughter in Your Family

Nine Fast Ways to Put More Laughter in Your Home and Spruce Up Your Family Fun Factor

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

real mom’s secret 12 - A Mother Who Takes Care of Herself Holds Together Her ...

“She Knew She Had to Find a Better Balance”

What Real Moms Can Learn from This Story

Is This Real Mom’s Secret Part of Your Parenting?

Eight Steps to Begin Taking Better Care of You

Making a Promise to Yourself

A Real Mom’s Resource Guide

the last word

references

about the author

MORE PRAISE FOR

Michele Borba

“12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know is a godsend for all the anxious, stressed-out mothers who worry that they’re not ‘doing enough’ (and that’s pretty much everyone!).”

—Christiane Northrup, M.D., author,Mother-Daughter WisdomandWomen’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

“As a member of Congress, I am faced daily with the challenge of balancing my work in Washington, D.C., with the most important job that I will ever have—being a mother to my two children. I am a firm believer in the importance of parental involvement and the tremendous influence mothers can have on their child’s development. I appreciate the message that this book champions and the guidance it provides to mothers struggling to foster a brighter future for their children.”

—Mary Bono, member of Congress, California’s 45thDistrict, and mother of two

“Michele Borba has done it again. She’s given mothers a book full to the brim with wisdom, stories, and tips on how to raise happy, well-adjusted children.”

—Mimi Doe, author,Busy but Balanced;founder, SpiritualParenting.com; and mother of two

“Michele infuses you with the wisdom and warmth of her more than twenty years of teaching, shares the savvy of her in-depth research of over 5,000 parents, and helps return you to the heart of successful parenting.”

—Stacy Debroff, author,The Mom Book,and founder of momscentral.com

“A practical, easy-to-read guide, full of great examples to help mothers teach their children the skills that will eventually be invaluable for greater success and happiness in college.”

—Richard Kadison, M.D., chief of the Mental Health Service, Harvard University Health Services

THE 12 SIMPLE SECRETS OF REAL MOTHERING

1. A mother who loves teaches worth.

2. A mother who is firm and fair gives her children a moral code to live by.

3. A mother who listens shows her children they matter.

4. A mother who is a good role model gives her children an example worth copying.

5. A mother who teaches values inspires character.

6. A mother who supports her children’s strengths builds their confidence.

7. A mother who encourages independence cultivates self-reliance.

8. A mother who applauds effort nurtures perseverance.

9. A mother who accepts her children’s shortcomings nurtures resilience.

10. A mother who takes time for her children helps them build strong relationships.

11. A mother who laughs teaches joy.

12. A mother who takes care of herself holds together her happy family.

—Michele Borba

Copyright © 2006 by Michele Borba.

All rights reserved.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Borba, Michele.

12 simple secrets real moms know : getting back to basics and raising happy kids / Michele Borba. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7879-8096-2 (pbk.)

With love to the most extraordinary example ofreal mothering: My mother, Treva Ungaro

acknowledgments

One of my favorite quotes is by François Rabelais: “A child is not a vase to be filled, but a fire to be lit.” This book could not have been written without the remarkable mothers who told me their stories. They are the ones who inspired in me the notion of “real mothering.” In particular, special love goes to George and Bonnie Englund, Don and Marilyn Perlyn, and Jim and Anamarie Anthony for sharing their parenting secrets and touching my own life in more ways than they can ever know.

Special appreciation is extended to the following women who offered personal insights, wise perspective, and just plain great tips on real mothering: Kappy Tobin Armstrong, Catherine Ayala, Judy Baggott, Joan Baker, Andrea Bauman, Aubria Becker, Kathy Been, Lorayne Borba, Jane Mills, Marion Card, Marj Casagrande, Daisy Chan, Bernadette DeFontes, Karen Dischner, Margaret Dwyer, Maureen Ferriter, Andrea Funk, Debbie Gibson, JoAnne Gill, Louise Hampton, Lana Hannas, Anne Kalisek, Barbara Keane, Anne Leedom, Kathryn Livingston, Lenore Markowitz, Gaye McCabe, Carole Morgan, Susie Morrison, Cindy Morse, Barbara Namian, Kim Plumley, Michelle Price, Cheryl Rinzler, Murf Ryan, Joan Saunders, Jane Schneider, Patty Service, Lottie Shivers, Margie Sims, Julie Snyder, Shellie Spradlin, Sue Summit, Cathy Tippett, Barbara Turvett, Treva Ungaro, Bong Ying, and Winnie Yiu. Appreciation also goes to Bob Worswick for telling me the story about the boy and the dog and tracking down various facts for story authenticity.

There is also an incredible group of moms who years ago first helped me learn about the power and love of mothering. They were the mothers of my first special education students. I watched them in absolute awe and have never forgotten their influence on their children. A few who could have written the true manual for mothering include Judy Bartee, Mary Grace Galvin, Diane Long, Laurie Mobilio, Rita Pacheco, Mrs. Speciale, and Bindy Wood.

Every book is a group effort, and there are a number of people whom I gratefully acknowledge for helping me make this book possible. I thank Jossey-Bass/Wiley executive editor Alan Rinzler for his friendship, superb insights, exemplary skill, passion, and guidance through every possible step. At Jossey-Bass and Wiley, Alan is surrounded by the finest publishing staff around, whom I thank for their support on all six of the books we’ve now worked on together: Jennifer Wenzel, Catherine Craddock, Erik Thrasher, Meghan Brousseau, P. J. Campbell, Paula Goldstein, Carol Hartland, Michele Jones, Sophia Ho, Lori Sayde-Mehrtens, Jennifer Smith, and Karen Warner. In particular, I thank my publishers, Debra Hunter and Paul Foster, for the privilege of writing for them over these many years together.

To Joelle DelBourgo, my agent, for her stellar competence and warm friendship, and for lending an ear at always just the right time. Believe me, every writer should have this woman in her corner.

To the staff of Parents magazine, especially Diane Debrover, for the honor of serving on their advisory board and the opportunity of speaking with many of their writers about several of the parenting issues in this book. To Rose Carrano, publicist extraordinaire, it’s just been a privilege to work together. To Anne Leedom, president of netconnectpublicity.com, for continuing to be the best backseat cheerleader, and to Steve Leedom, president of nowimagine.com, for creating and updating my Web sites www.behaviormakeovers.com. and www.micheleborba.com.

Once again, no writer could have a better support system than her own family. To my husband, perpetual supporter and best friend, Craig, and the three greatest sons, Jason, Adam, and Zach, thank you once again for putting up with me. This is the twenty-first book we’ve written “together,” and I would never have been able to do this without you.

And finally to the memory of Max Englund: a child whose life was far too short, but who still taught me so much about the power of love and resilience. I swore I’d someday write about this remarkable boy. So Max, here’s to you! I hope I told it right.

Michele Borba Palm Springs, California

note to the reader

All stories in this book are about children and their mothers whom I have interviewed, known, or worked with over the last twenty years. A few stories are composite cases of children I have treated. Actual children’s and mothers’ names are included, except in those instances where a parent asked that her name be changed to protect her privacy. The exceptions are mothers interviewed for newspapers or written about in books, and those are noted in the References.

Unless otherwise noted in the References, stories and tips are based on interviews I conducted face-to-face, by phone, or through email exchanges with 150 mothers while writing this book. I also surveyed over five thousand additional parents in my workshops about what they felt mattered most in real mothering. Many of their responses are included in boxed tips. A sample of the U.S. cities where these interviews took place includes Albany, Aspen, Atherton, Berkeley, Chattanooga, Chicago, Coco Beach, Dallas, Diamond Bar, Essex Falls, Hays, Kalispel, Las Vegas, Little Rock, Los Angeles, Memphis, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Nashville, New York City, Oakland, Oklahoma City, Orlando, Palm Springs, Reno, Sacramento, Salt Lake City, San Diego, San Jose, Santa Clarita, Seattle, Tulsa, and Palm Springs. Canadian cities include Bonnyville, Brandon, Calgary, Cold Lake, Edmonton, Kelowna, Lac la Biche, Ottawa, Saskatoon, Simcoe County, Toronto, Vancouver, Westminster, and Winnipeg.

introduction

What Is a Real Mom?

″What is REAL?″ asked the Rabbit one day. . . . ″Real isn’t how you are made,″ said the Skin Horse. ″It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become Real. . . . It doesn’t happen all at once . . . , but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.″

—Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Hey, Mom: Are you real? Is what you’re doing as a mother going to“last for always”?

Sure, that may sound like a silly question, but the answer is going to tell you a lot about just how effective you are as a mother, how influential you will be on your children’s lives, and whether they will grow up to be happy adults with character and confidence. It will also make a big difference in just how happy your family is now, today, every day.