The British Constitution E-Book

Guy Browning

• Herausgeber: Atlantic Books
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Beschreibung

Exactly eight hundred years ago, Magna Carta established the right not to be thrown in the Tower of London for being slightly irritating, which is the closest we've ever got to a written constitution. But come on! Things have moved on since King John. Isn't it time we had another bash at setting down a few laws and principles for us all to live by? Isn't it time we knew how to queue properly, how to banter within the limits of decency, how to handshake in a regal fashion, how to appropriately and committedly observe the weather, and how to competitively own pets? It will no doubt confuse the Taliban, perplex the Americans and move the French to shrug their shoulders and say bof, but for the good people of this island, this first draft of the British Constitution sets out and celebrates the very best bits of being British.

Leseprobe

This Constitution is dedicated to

The Great British People

(yes, that’s you)

Table of Contents

Why it’s time Britain had a written constitution

The British Bill of Rights & Duties

I. Everything Should be Fair

Class Rules

Rules Pertaining to Money

Tax Law

Statute of Opportunity

Guidance Regarding Use of NHS

II. We Will Decide What’s Fair

The Monarchy

The Rules of Parliament

Local Government

Voting Regulations

III. Form an Orderly Queue

Laws of Queuing

Complaining Procedures

Sports Rules and Regulations

Code of Driving

Shopping Laws

IV. Don’t Take Things Too Seriously

Banter Clause

Unspoken Rules at Work

Laws Pertaining to Extremism

Sense of Humour Rules

Muddling Through Guidelines

V. Create Something Wonderful

Laws Relating to Music

Entertainment Statutes

The Laws of Science

Advertising and Marketing Rules

Rules Relating to Start-Ups

VI. Respect My Stuff

Home Rules

Gardening Bylaws

The Law of Things

Online Behaviour Ordinances

Body Principles

VII. Turn Up and Muck In

Family Law

Friendship Decrees

Leisure Regulations

Community Bylaws

Regulations Regarding Protest

VIII. Drink Tea, Talk Weather, Walk Dog

Weather Regulations

Laws Regulating British Reserve

Pet Statutes

Laws Regarding Consumption of Alcohol

Rules of the Cuppa

IX. Don’t be a Selfish Arse

Criminal Law

Punishment Statutes

The Law Regarding Litter

Laws of Being an Arse

Laws of Not Being an Arse

X. Do Your Own Thing. Let Others Do Theirs

The Law Regarding Free Speech

Dating Commandments

Sexual Regulations

Culture Laws

The Law Regarding Diversity

Acceptable British Conversation

Acceptable British Activities

How British is your Religion?

Small Rules

The Ten Small Rules of Getting Out Of Bed

Acknowledgments

Also by Guy Browning

Copyright

Why it’s time Britain had a written constitution

The British have got along just fine for thousands of years without any kind of written constitution. Exactly eight hundred years ago we had Magna Carta, which established a couple of important points such as the right not to be carted away at midnight and thrown into the Tower of London for no reason.

That seemed to keep us happy for a while. Although, if you look carefully at Magna Carta, you’ll see that one of the last clauses is about fish traps in the Thames at Staines. I’m not sure that’s equally relevant today. In fact, the world has changed so dramatically in the last eighty years, let alone the last eight hundred, that I think it’s time to start again.

What does it mean to be British these days? You can be Scottish, Welsh, English, Cornish; you can originally come from France, Pakistan, Brazil, Montserrat, Romania, Ireland, Tristan da Cunha or Basildon; you can be Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Jedi, Atheist or Rosicrucian; you can be black, white, brown, pink and any shade in between; you can be gay, straight, male, female or any shade in between.

It doesn’t matter how you’re put together, it is how we pull together that’s important. And how we pull together is by being British in a lot of quite subtle but actually very important ways.

This British Bill of Rights that I am proposing doesn’t have any big, honking headlines such as the pursuit of happiness or the liberation of the workers or liberté, égalité, fraternité. Those all seem to me a little bit excitable and not terribly practical. Instead, it has the ten essentials of being British. It’s what makes us different from any other nation, particularly Americans with whom we share our lovely language (sort of).

What makes me qualified to write this? Absolutely nothing. Although the fact that I am not a lawyer is a good starting point. All I am is British of the English variety. But, I’m proud to be British and proud of what makes us British.

I also quite fancied being the man who wrote the British Constitution. It will look impressive on my CV. Besides which, someone had to do it so I thought I might as well have a crack at it to save everyone else the bother. I would also look good on a bank note (on the other side from Her Majesty, obviously).

So here it is. It’s our constitution. Enjoy it and let me know if you’d like to amend it in any way.

Best of British to you.

Guy Browning

The British Bill of Rights & Duties

(Or the Essential Elements of being British)

Everything should be fair.We will decide what’s fair.Form an orderly queue.Don’t take things too seriously.Create something wonderful.Respect my stuff.Turn up and muck in.Drink tea, walk dog, talk weather.Don’t be a selfish arse.Do your own thing. Let others do theirs.

Established and Promulgated in this the sixty-third year of the reign of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

I. Everything Should be Fair

Fairness means that everyone has a slice of the cake.1 In Britain if you help make the cake you can have a bigger slice.2 But to make sure everyone gets some cake, even a small bit without icing, our government will cut the cake.3 The trouble with fairness is that there isn’t enough of it to go round.4 People aren’t born equal5 but we should try and give everyone a good chance of making the best of what they’ve got.6 If we all make that our aim, then life is more likely to be fair.7 It’s not ideal but it’s fair enough.8

Not real cake obviously. That’s a national obesity crisis you’re looking at. By cake we mean the things that make life bearable: somewhere to live, a job, a decent education, that kind of thing.Yep still talking about cake. This is rewarding people for effort. The more you put in the more you should get out. Otherwise why bother? We need a nation of cake bakers not just cake eaters.Sorry, one more cake thing. We don’t want people making one huge cake that they then eat themselves. That’s the kind of selfishness and unfairness that rightly causes revolutions. The good thing about government is that it can even things out through taxes. Blimey, I think I just said taxes are good.People have always fought over scarce resources. Fairness is a way of sharing without the fighting. But it’s a tough battle against greed and selfishness. It’s true for individuals and true for society. But come on! Be British.Yikes that’s a biggie! It’s nice to think we’re all born equal but we’re not. For example I have big ears. Small inequality but sometimes quite noticeable (especially the left one). We all have genetic baggage and we’re all born into different circumstances.Equality of opportunity!!! Doesn’t matter who you are or how big your ears are. The doors are open for you. Same education, same opportunities. That’s got to be the British way. Doesn’t matter where you’ve come from, it’s where you’re going to that matters. Sounding a bit American there I know but we’ve got to do it our way so what you’re born into doesn’t determine the rest of your life.Like I say it’s an aim, a struggle, a direction to plod in. But it’s the direction we British have been plodding in for some time.Can’t say fairer than that.

Class Rules

(Duke v. Dustman 1911)

Britain has a rigid class system much like India except that our untouchables are at the top. Our current prime minister has overcome the enormous handicap of being posh and upper class to make it to the top political spot.Britain’s class distinctions are so minutely graded that you can slip a couple of classes just by ordering the wrong drink, using an interesting adverb or having one too many zips on your trousers.The big fault line in the class system is private schools. In order to go to a private school you need an enormous amount of money. Private schools then train you to get the kind of jobs where you make an enormous amount of money.Oxford and Cambridge Universities used to be a toff production line but no longer. They now have to recruit the brightest however socially murky because universities are increasingly dependent on their commercial spinouts which require real brains.Our upper classes have inbred (and been taxed) almost to the point of extinction but the ones that survive are now fiercely commercially focused and often quite frightening.The British working class is also a threatened species principally because most of them have worked too hard and inadvertently joined the middle class. We have a lower class in this country but no-one belongs to it any more. Like third class railway carriages they have been painted out as being too depressing.However we do have a new class called Chavs who are generally quite poor and welfare dependent but enjoy life enormously which upsets all the other classes.Multiculturalism and mass immigration to Britain have helped break down class barriers as it has made the whole game three-dimensional. How do you class a Polish barista with a degree in engineering?A generation from now the Polish barista’s children will be British and we can sort the class thing out then. Remember, most of our upper class and royal family are immigrants.The two most successful classes Britain are the Lower Upper Middle and Upper Lower Middle. Although you should never confuse the two.

Rules Pertaining to Money

(Save v. Splash 1984)

The question, ‘How much money do you earn?” is more offensive in Britain than, ‘What is your preferred sexual position?’ You never ever discuss what you earn, even with your spouse, boss or personal financial advisor.The British have a very strange attitude to money. We’re one of the richest nations on earth yet making a lot of money is seen as a little bit of a betrayal because you’ve left everybody else behind.We feel uncomfortable sitting on big piles of cash. It feels much more normal to have debt. Which is why the British people and the government are usually sitting on big piles of it.We’ve also never really got over Robin Hood who stole from the rich and gave to the poor. But even Robin Hood never stole more than 50 per cent from the rich which seems to be the highest acceptable limit of taxation in this country.Just to confuse matters we may think making loads of money is a bit naughty but the City of London is the financial capital of the world and no-one knows how to make more money from money than we do.Thankfully wealth created by the City is called ‘invisible earnings’. As a nation we’re more comfortable with the idea that our national wealth is derived from the export of fine cheese and craft beer.