The Lost Years E-Book

Stacey Ritz

• Herausgeber: Rockville Publishing
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Beschreibung

We may not control our circumstances, but we can control our choices... 

WE ARE ALL COLLECTING MEMORIES; moments that stay with us, forever imprinted on our hearts and minds. We store these moments, letting them shape who we are and who we become. But what do we do with the unwanted memories; the ones that haunt us?

At thirty-two, Rainie Amburger has pushed everyone from her past aside to start a new life. She is finally dating someone who might be the one. Despite her past, she has created a life that allows her to be in control and surrounded by those she can trust at her Kentucky Farm Rescue and Sanctuary.

Estranged for years, Veronica Jorgenson never forgot her older sister Rainie. Her married life with Andrew is full of smiles and pleasantries. But Veronica is learning that smiles can be deceptive. After several odd events, she is beginning to wonder what Andrew may be hiding behind his jovial smile. What she is uncovering about the truth of her perfect-looking life places who she is and what she believes into question. 

Nearly sixty, Sarah-Jayne has spent her life as a caretaker to her ailing husband. She sacrificed her dreams and any shred of dignity to care for a man who could never be bothered to properly care for himself. When her husband is involved in a fatal accident, despite having each gone their separate ways, the incident brings the mother and her two daughters to the beaches of Corolla, North Carolina. There, the three women are tested against their past and against their individual struggles. And there, with the backdrop of aquamarine waves, Rainie runs into her childhood best friend and high school sweetheart, Milo Rivers – someone she thought she left behind fourteen years ago. 

The Lost Years is the story of the bond between sisters, of mothers and daughters and of finding the courage and strength to leave the past behind and welcome what lies ahead, even when it looks vastly different than what was expected. Ultimately, The Lost Years is a story of hope, love and connection in the face of fear and despair.

Leseprobe

The Lost Years

A Novel

_________________________

The Lost Years. Stacey Ritz.

Published by Rockville Publishing.

Copyright © 2019 by Stacey Ritz and Rockville Publishing

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cover photo Mikel Martinez de Osaba / Interior design by ASEL Productions

ISBN-13: 978-0578445267

ISBN-10: 0578445267

Contents

Other Books by Stacey RitzReviews for THE LOST YEARS 1. CHAPTER ONE 2. CHAPTER TWO 3. CHAPTER THREE 4. CHAPTER FOUR 5. CHAPTER FIVE 6. CHAPTER SIX 7. CHAPTER SEVEN 8. CHAPTER EIGHT 9. CHAPTER NINE 10. CHAPTER TEN 11. CHAPTER ELEVEN 12. CHAPTER TWELVE 13.  CHAPTER THIRTEEN 14. EPILOGUEDEAR READERABOUT STACEY RITZBOOKS BY STACEY RITZRESOURCESReviews

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Other Books by Stacey Ritz

All The Little Choices

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Reviews for THE LOST YEARS

“What fantastic read.  This is a story full of triumph and hope.  I loved every character and found myself rooting for everyone in the story.” – The Bookworms Book Club

“We are all faced with tragedies in our lives.  Our stories however, are not based on these tragedies but in our response to each tragedy.  This is exactly what Stacey Ritz proves with her latest novel, The Lost Years.  The author pulls you in with her fabulous storytelling and keeps you engaged through her emotional and heart-warming characters.  You will not want to put the book down and may find yourself reading all night.  This was a wonderful story of hope and reconnection.” – Book Ends Book Club

“My favorite part of The Lost Years was the underlying message that we are all in charge of our lives.  I loved this book and will happily read more of Ritz’s novels in the future.”  – Dayton Monthly Book Club

“I was intrigued from the beginning.  I thought this may be just another beach read but I was wrong! What a fabulous story of hope and reconnecting with those you thought you may have lost forever.  It gives everyone hope that maybe, if you are true to yourself, that happy endings aren’t just for fairy tales.” – The Lunch Bunch Book Club

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CHAPTER ONE

WENDY/ WOODPECKER

A fallen power line badly injured Wendy during a summer storm. The injury left Wendy unable to fly. Wendy was rescued by the Kentucky Farm Sanctuary and after months of rehabilitation, made a full recovery. After she was successfully released back into the wild, her empty rehabilitation enclosure revealed Wendy had been collecting fallen acorns from the nearby tree and storing them. She had drilled countless holes in the fence posts that held her enclosure together. Each small hole stored a single acorn. When woodpeckers exhibit this behavior in the wild,theychoose a single tree in which to store their acorns; the tree is called a “granary tree.”

We are all collecting memories; moments that stay with us, forever imprinted in our hearts and minds. Whether children or adults, we continue to collect. We store these moments, letting them shape who we are and who we become. But what do we do with the unwanted memories, the ones that haunt us?

Rainie Lynn Amburger’s blonde pig-tails tickled the top of her shoulders as she moved. At eleven years old, Rainie was too busy caring for Ronnie to wear ribbons and too worried about her parents to create artificial curls in her board straight hair. She tried her best to take care of everyone, while simultaneously staying out of the way. The balancing act wasn’t easy. She’d learned more than once that staying calm didn’t always guarantee love, but it’s what gave her the best chance. Calm, unassuming and on-task were the safest roles she could play. Generally, her dad paid attention to her for one reason; to use her as a cover. With Rainie around, he appeared to be a father taking his daughter out for ice cream. His secrets stayed secrets.

Rainie’s mama paid attention to her when she had enough energy left over after taking care of her dad, and that wasn’t often enough. Her little sister, Veronica, whom she’d come to call Ronnie, paid attention to her when she needed food or a diaper change. Ronnie counted on her older sister for her most basic needs. Without realizing it, Rainie became a mother at nine years old when Ronnie was born. Rainie loved her family, she loved her sister, but she’d learned from an early age that reciprocated love was dependent on her actions. In her home and in her world, she’d been shown that love was conditional and the conditions frequently changed. The only consistencies in her young life were raising Ronnie and spending time with Milo.

“I have to get home.” Rainie told Milo before initiating their secret handshake. The handshake consisted of bumping their fists together, simultaneously patting the top of their leg twice, followed by a high-five. They’d been taking part in the self-made ritual since they were five. The day had been spent playing Chutes and Ladders, occupying their last six hours. Every day off of school, they spent together playing games or going places like museums or the movies with Milo’s family. Rainie and Milo first met in kindergarten. They’d been seated next to each other. On the first day of school, when Rainie spilled her chocolate milk on her pale blue dress, Milo ran to retrieve the roll of paper towels. After the teacher helped them clean up the mess, Milo gave Rainie his milk and told her not to worry. Concerned about the state of her dress, Rainie thanked Milo for the help and added, “All of the kids are going to make fun of me now.” She pointed at the big chocolate stain.

Milo shook his head. “No, they won’t.” He smiled, opening his milk carton and spilling a spot onto his pants. “Now I have one, too.” Mrs. Mosbury, their teacher, was occupied with other students on the opposite side of the room. Milo didn’t bother to wipe at his stain and the two children laughed. A moment later, Milo reached out his arm, handing Rainie his milk.

“Why are you giving me yours?” Rainie asked, skeptically.

“Because you’re my best friend.” He smiled.

Rainie smiled back and replied, “Cool, best friends.” After a beat she asked, “What’s your name?”

“Milo.”

“I’m Rainie.” She offered, forgetting about the stain on her dress.

They’d been inseparable ever since.

〜

“I wish you could stay longer.” Milo frowned, holding the box for Chutes and Ladders in his arms. Their partings always went the same way; Rainie running off and Milo begging her to stay.

“Gotta go.” She winked before running to the front door of the Rivers’ family home. “See you tomorrow, Milo.”

“Rainie sweetheart…we’d love it if you’d stay for dinner.” Mrs. Rivers called after her from the hall.

“Thanks, maybe some other time Mrs. Rivers.” She finished slipping on her shoes and then paused as she opened the front door to leave. She always took her shoes off when entering Milo’s home but never her own. At Milo’s house everything was in the place it was meant to be. It smelled of lavender and soap. The window blinds were always open, letting the light flood through the rooms. His parents smiled a lot. At Rainie’s, the curtains were always drawn. If she took a nap on the weekends, she never knew what time it was when she woke. Her house smelled of smoke. Her mom begged her dad not to smoke in the house, but she saw him do it all of the time. Laundry piled in the upstairs hallway until she did it herself. Not just her own, not just Ronnie’s, but her parents’ clothes too. Between school and taking care of Ronnie, the pile often stood taller than her eleven year old self. She and Milo both lived in tri-level homes. Both homes had a two-car garage. Both she and Milo had two parents at home. On the outside, their lives looked similar. “My dad’s home and we’re going to go for a walk together tonight. I have to get home.” She turned and ran, the front door closing tightly behind her.

Hugging her son with one arm as he stumbled alongside her into the kitchen, Mrs. Rivers squeezed, “You two…” She shook her head, smiling.

“Dad! I’m here!” Rainie burst through the front door, leaving her shoes on as she galloped into the living room. The curtains were closed. There were two lamps in the room that remained on at all times, until the light bulbs burned out. But both bulbs had burned out two weeks ago and no one had bothered to change them. The glow of the television lit up the room, illuminating her dad’s face. A cigarette hung from his mouth. He was holding the remote in his left hand and a drink in his right. His eyes were glued to the screen. Rainie stepped in front of him, blocking his view. “Dad, come on. You promised.”

He waved his hands wildly. “You’re in the way. Come on…” he scowled.

“Dad…”

Ignoring her pleas, he leaned to one side, trying to keep his focus on the show.

“It’s going to be dark soon. Please?”

“Maybe tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Rainie whined. “You said today. Why can’t you ever do what you say you’re going to do? Just once.” Rainie stomped her feet, feeling tears well in her eyes.

“That’s enough!” Her dad stammered. “I’m busy. You can’t waltz in here and expect me to drop what I’m doing to play with you. You’re a kid. You don’t know anything about being a grown up. Give me some space.” His words were stern and final.

Dropping her head, Rainie dragged her feet as she turned to leave the room. She stepped away from the television, giving him back the view he wanted. She should have stayed and had dinner at Milo’s, but he’d promised. She’d been begging her dad to go walking for months. He’d always said no until yesterday. That’s when he said, “tomorrow.” She’d said, “Promise?” And he said “Pinky promise.” That’s why she’d believed him. Although now she knew she shouldn’t have. She didn’t dream of asking her mom to walk with her. She always said no. Rainie saw other families walking together in the neighborhood. That’s where she’d gotten the idea. They were walking, laughing and talking. She wanted that too. But she knew her dad didn’t.

As she was taking her last step out of the room, she heard her mom approaching from the hall. Brushing past Rainie without a look, her mother stood sternly, her hands on her hips, as she entered the living room. Her dad’s back was turned to them, his eyes still fixated on the television.

“Dan Amburger.” Her voice sounded as if she were calling his name for attendance. It reminded Rainie of her teacher at the start of class.

There was no reply.

Rainie stopped dragging her feet and stood idle in the hall outside of the living room, watching her parents. “Dan.” Her mama’s voice was louder this time. “Dan!”

Grunting, Dan swiveled his chair to face his wife. He didn’t bother turning down the volume on the television. He took a drink and smiled in her direction. “Sarah-Jayne.”

“Where have you been?” Her tone was anything but pleasant. Rainie didn’t blame her mama, in fact, she wondered how she had the patience to put up with him sometimes. This time Dan had been missing for two days. He’d returned last night, speaking only to Rainie. Rainie’s mama had been in bed, as had Ronnie. While Rainie had been resting on the couch watching television, her dad had stumbled in. He’d placed himself in the reclining chair and told her not to wake her mom. That’s when she’d asked about the walk and he’d agreed. Shortly after, he fell asleep. She’d known because he was snoring. Watching her parents now, she guessed her mama hadn’t seen her dad all day. He must have gone out again in the morning.

Dan looked at Sarah-Jayne and stood from his chair. He left his drink and the remote on the cushion. The volume on the television was too loud. He left it as it was. He stood, stretching, smiling and then looking back at his wife. “Good to see you too, honey.” That’s when he saw Rainie standing in the hallway. “Rainie, ready for our walk?” He cleared his throat. “A promise is a promise. Go get your sister.”

Rainie turned and ran up the stairs to fetch Ronnie. She didn’t know why her dad had changed his mind about the walk, but she didn’t care.

When Rainie reemerged with Ronnie in tow, ready for their walk through the neighborhood, she caught the end of her parent’s discussion. “Dan, this has to stop. Please…for the girls.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m taking the girls out now…you get the house to yourself for a little while. You should be thanking me.”

“Thanking you? Oh, come on Dan. Stop playing games.” Sarah-Jayne sighed. “Where were you this time?”

Rainie and Ronnie walked into the room.

“Ready girls?” Dan asked, feigning excitement.

“Ready.” Rainie replied as she leaned down to place Ronnie’s sneakers on her feet.

The three turned to head out the front door, leaving Sarah-Jayne standing with a dirty dishtowel in her hands. Sarah-Jayne watched as her family disappeared into the neighborhood. Closing the front door, Sarah-Jayne realized she was trapped. She wasn’t the person she wanted to be and she wasn’t living the life she’d hoped to be living. She conceded to the dark house with this knowledge, heading back to the kitchen to finish the dishes. Rainie usually did the dishes, but tonight Sarah-Jayne had mustered the strength to do them herself.

Rainie retrieved the red wagon from the garage on their way out. At four years old, it was easier to pull Ronnie in the wagon rather than have her walk. She’d seen another family walking this way, that’s where she’d gotten the idea. Ronnie was happy, laughing as Rainie pulled her along. Rainie was pleased they were out on a walk, finally. And Dan was relieved to get out of answering questions regarding his recent whereabouts.

“Is Mama okay?” Rainie dared to ask.

“Mama? Oh…she’s fine. Why are you worried?” Dan lit a cigarette.

“She looked sad.”

“Ah…that’s your mom. I’m always doing something wrong in her eyes.”

“Like what?”

Dan waved his free hand, keeping the other hand glued to the cigarette.

“Where were you this time?” Rainie continued as they walked down the sidewalk. Her question was innocent. The sun would be setting soon. The birds were chirping from trees that towered above them. A husband and wife walked their small dog on the opposite side of the street, smiling and waving in the trio’s direction. Only Rainie waved back.

“You sure have a lot of questions for one little girl.”

They walked in silence for a while before anyone spoke again. The sky was a beautiful hue of pink mixed with a hint of orange. Rainie thought it resembled a painting.

“Why don’t you ever answer the questions, from me or from Mama?” Rainie continued curiously. She yearned to know more about her father.

Dan sighed, pulling his cigarette from his mouth. “Seriously, you never let up, do you?”

“Milo says I’m – “

“Who’s Milo?”

“My best friend.” Rainie looked up at her dad, wide-eyed and wondering how he didn’t remember Milo. She’s gone to his house to play regularly, rather than having him come to hers and she’d talked about Milo non-stop since kindergarten.

“Oh, right.” The cigarette reinserted itself between Dan’s lips.

“Dad, where were you?”

“You are persistent, aren’t you?”

“What’s persistent?” Rainie turned back to look at Ronnie. Ronnie was still sitting calmly in the wagon, enjoying the ride. She was enthralled with the scenery as they continued to walk. Rainie realized that this was Ronnie’s first time going for a walk. Maybe she’d take her more often, just the two of them. She knew it would be nearly impossible to get her dad to ever go again.

“It means you keep at it. You keep doing something or asking something until you get what you want.” Dan didn’t look at his daughter when he answered.

“Oh.”

“And as for where I’ve been the past few days. It was work.”

“Work?” Rainie questioned. Her dad was a mailman at the post office. She wondered where he’d gone to deliver letters that had taken him from home for so many days. Is that where he was every time he disappeared? Delivering letters?

“Well,” he continued, “the holidays are almost here and so…I help deliver notes to the North Pole.”

“Really?” Rainie’s eyes widened. Turning back to Ronnie she said, “Ronnie, Dad went to see Santa Claus!”

“Santa!” Ronnie cooed.

“Dad, you really went to the North Pole?”

Dan chuckled. “Would I ever lie to my own daughters?”

“What was it like, Daddy? Are you going to help deliver presents? Was there a lot of snow? I bet it was really cold!”

Nodding, Dan followed with, “I’m sworn to secrecy.”

“You’re not allowed to tell?”

Dan shook his head.

“Am I allowed to tell my friends at school that you’re a mailman? Or is that a secret, too?”

“Go ahead, tell them. But keep the North Pole visit a secret, okay?”

“Okay.” Rainie agreed, turning back to Ronnie and putting a finger over her lips. Ronnie mimicked her older sister and smiled.

“Let’s turn here and head back home.” Dan threw his cigarette in the road and pulled a new one from the back pocket of his jeans.

“But Dad…can I tell Milo you went to the North Pole?” Rainie whispered the words, studying her father. To an outsider, she thought, he must resemble an ordinary dad. But what people didn’t know was that he was really a super hero. He went to the North Pole! He went on secret missions for his job. No wonder he was gone sometimes. Rainie wondered if her mom knew about her dad’s secret missions. Maybe he hadn’t told her about them yet. Maybe if he did, her mom wouldn’t be sad and upset when he disappeared. She knew her mom missed her dad when he was gone, but maybe if she knew he was helping the world, she would be happier. Maybe she wouldn’t be worried about him. “Can I tell Mama, too?”

“Let’s let this be our little secret. Can you do that for me, Rainie?” A cloud of smoke burst free from his mouth.

“I wish I could tell Milo. But okay.” Rainie’s shoulders slumped forward. “Mama worries about you, Dad. You should tell her about the North Pole. Then she might not worry so much.”

“I’ll tell your mama. Not you, okay?”

“Okay.”

The trio continued walking down the neighborhood sidewalks. Dan, puffing on his cigarette, Rainie pulling Ronnie in the red wagon.

“Dad?”

Dan sighed.

“It would be fun if we could go on more walks together.”

“You’re having a good time?”

The sun was fading after a long day of work. The sky was still colorful and bright, but Rainie knew the darkness would set in soon. She’d never left her hometown of Morehead, Kentucky and she wondered if the sky looked the same in other parts of the world. In school they learned about different states and countries. Did the sky turn the same colors there?  “I am. This is fun. Ronnie’s having fun, too. Mama should have come. She might have enjoyed it.”

Porch lights began to flip on as they continued their walk. An older woman stood at her mailbox, perusing her mail. At the next house a mother and her young son contently sat on a porch swing. The neighborhood was alive. The late fall air was crisp and fresh. Leaves were beginning to slip off of tree branches and float to the ground. In school, Rainie’s teacher told them that scientists have learned that trees sense light with their leaves. Then the trees shed their leaves, that’s how they shut their eyes. Tony Ramton told the teacher that when trees lose their leaves they die, but the teacher said he was wrong. When trees shed their leaves, they aren’t dead, they are asleep. Rainie studied the trees as they continued walking. Some leaves were dark green, while others had turned orange, red or yellow.

“Bird! Bird!” Ronnie interrupted her thoughts.

“Birds live in trees.” Rainie told her sister, pulling her forward. Her dad was now walking a few feet ahead of them, clearly not enjoying the time outdoors.

“Bird!” Ronnie continued to chant. When Rainie turned around to look at her sister she saw she was pointing to the ground. “Bird!”

That’s when Rainie saw it. A baby bird lying in the grass. Too weak to stand on her own the little bird reached her neck toward the tree and chirped to her mom. Looking up, Rainie saw a bird’s nest on the tree limb that hung above their heads. Outside of the birds nest sat the bird’s mom, a brown Robin. She looked back at the baby bird as it pleaded for help. The bird was so small it only had a single tuff of feathers on its side. With wrinkled and transparent skin, the tiny bones that held the bird together were visible to the naked eye. The bird must have recently hatched. The mother bird chirped back loudly and watched Rainie and Ronnie standing beside her hatchling.

“Dad?” Rainie called. “Dad!”

Dan turned and looked back at his daughters. “Come on girls, don’t tire out on me. We’re almost home.”

“Dad…I’m not tired. We’re not tired. There’s a baby bird. It needs our help.” Rainie pleaded. She hoped her dad would be able to carefully cradle the baby bird and place it back in the nest with its mother. Looking up at the tree branch that held the nest, she thought her dad might be tall enough to reach it if he stretched his arms.

“A baby what?” He reluctantly plodded back to his daughters.

“A baby bird. Dad, it’s a baby bird! Look!”

“Bird!” Ronnie repeated and pointed again.

“No.”

“No? No what?”

“Leave it be.” Dan turned to continue walking. He wanted to get home.

“Dad, no. We have to help her. She needs our help. Come back, Dad! Look at her mom, she’s waiting for us to help. She needs our help.” Rainie’s eyes filled with tears.

“Leave it, Rainie. Come on.” He shouted back at his daughter.

“Please, Dad. Please. Please can you help? It will only take a minute. I’m not tall enough. Please?”

“Enough!” Dan was more than ten feet ahead of the girls now. “Rainie, you can’t save it. You can’t touch a bird because if a human touches a baby bird, the mom won’t take care of it anymore. Leave it be. Let nature run its course.”

“Please.” Rainie’s voice was nearly a whisper as the tears began to fall down her cheeks.

“Bird!” Ronnie called again.

“I know, I know.” Rainie said quietly to her sister. She looked down the sidewalk once again and saw that her dad had disappeared around the corner. He wasn’t coming back to help. She wasn’t tall enough to place the bird back in the nest. She looked at the side of the tree and realized she couldn’t climb out that far on the limb, either. Looking up at the mother Robin, Rainie apologized. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry.” And then, looking down at the baby bird, she said the same. “I hope you’re okay.” But Rainie knew, even at her age, that hope wouldn’t be enough to save the fallen bird.

When Rainie arrived home, she parked the red wagon back in the garage and held Ronnie’s hand as they walked through the front door together. “Did you have fun, Ronnie?”

Ronnie nodded. Although Rainie was glad they’d gone for a walk, she couldn’t stop thinking about the baby bird and its mother. She felt terrible she couldn’t help. She knew the bird wouldn’t survive the night and the sun was setting. Walking through the front door, holding her sisters hand, Rainie watched as her dad plopped back into the reclining chair, opening a new drink and gluing his eyes to the television. After walking Ronnie to her room, she went to her own and slammed the door behind her. She couldn’t stop the tears. She should have saved that baby bird. Her dad should have helped her. They shouldn’t have left the bird alone on the ground with its mom begging for help above them. It wasn’t okay. But her dad said it was nature. Her dad said there was nothing they could do. And that’s what they’d done. Nothing. They’d all come home after their walk and snuggled warm in their own beds while the baby bird was alone, scared and undoubtably cold. Rainie thought, if you have a patch of bad luck in life, you should never be alone.

〜

Rainie’s work demanded her attention every hour of every day. She slept at work. She ate all of her meals at work, although she rarely sat down to eat them. She was always on the go. Always on her phone or tending to those who needed her. Her brain always scanning what still needed to be done for the day and preparing for the next day. She’d learned that life wasn’t predictable, but she always tried to cover her bases to minimize any rough spots that might arise.

  “Good work today, Jackson.” Rainie patted the seventeen-year-old on the back.

  “Thank you, Ms. Amburger.” Jackson dipped his head, allowing his loose, chin length hair to cover his face. Rainie had noticed he did this anytime she spoke to him. She hadn’t noticed Jackson speaking to anyone while he was working. He only replied when spoken to, and Rainie was the only one to dare to speak to him.

  The two walked side by side through the grass. The sun would be setting on another day within the hour. “How do you like it here? You’ve been here…what? Three weeks now? Is that right?” Rainie looked straight ahead as she spoke. She knew eye contact would alienate him further.

  Jackson shuffled his feet, still hiding behind his lowered head and loose brown hair. “Yes ma’am, three weeks today.”  After a momentary pause, Rainie tried again. “And how do you like it here, Jackson? Does this work interest you?”

  Jackson nervously tucked his hair behind his ears, still careful to keep his head down, his eyes focused on his muddy sneakers. “I do like it here. Especially the animals. They’re all really…they’re really nice. The goats are my favorite.”

  Rainie smiled. She knew people thought of her as a work-a-holic, but she loved her work. She’d started the non-profit organization to help animals. What she hadn’t expected was to help people, too. Jackson was one of hundreds of young adults she’d helped throughout the years. Although her work was demanding, she never tired of enriching the lives of others. Of course, she wasn’t perfect. She knew that no matter how altruistic her work, it couldn’t fight off her own imperfections and demons. She’d been trying to live her life to forget the hardships of the past. She’d tried to bury her anger and frustration and hoped it would never resurface. But she learned time and again that you can’t pick and choose what you remember in life. You can’t discard the bad memories and only keep the good. She’d tried, unsuccessfully. Ever on the look out for control, she had however, discovered that a person could control their choices, especially once they were adults. And that’s what she was doing with her own life. That’s also what she tried to instill in Jackson and others his age who came to work for her. “The goats are great. Especially Grace, don’t you think?”

  Jackson nodded. “Why do you do it?” As they continued to walk, Sparkles the cat trotted up to them with a friendly meow. Jackson reached down to stroke her fur and Rainie watched as a smile crept across his face. Her heart swelled.

  “What? This?” Rainie motioned to the land surrounding them. “I do it because there’s a need to help and I don’t want to be a person who says ‘One day I’ll help’. I decided instead to be the person who helps right now.”

  As Sparkles trotted away, Grace the goat strolled up beside them and Jackson obliged her by petting the top of her head and spine.

  “I think Grace heard us talking about her. She appreciates knowing she’s one of the favorites.” Rainie smiled.

  The pair stopped walking and stood with Grace, giving in to her subtle demand for attention. For the first time, Jackson looked Rainie in the eyes. He stood a foot taller than her, however, his youth was evident from his awkward stance and smooth skin. Rainie noticed he had a scar from the top of his forehead to the bottom of his right eye. “Well…” Jackson stuttered. “Thank you. I’m glad this place is here.”

  It was then Rainie realized he may have not been asking about the animals, he may have been asking why she operated the volunteer program for young adults aging out of the foster care system. The program he was in. Her blonde hair was pulled into a loose ponytail on the top of her head. The light breeze pushed the fly away strands back and forth across her face, tickling the tip of her nose. The smell of hay, feed and manure filled the air and to her it was home. It was safety. It was comfort. She hoped it felt the same to the young adults she helped, too. “I’m glad it’s here, too.” She replied, as they continued petting Grace. Beginning to sniff their pockets, Grace searched for food. “Do you want to feed the goats with me tonight?”

  Jackson nodded.

  “You’re doing a great job, Jackson. We’re happy to have you working here.” Rainie told him as they walked toward the barn. Grace walked along beside them, wanting to be the first one fed. She knew the routine by heart.

  “Thank you, Mrs. Amburger.” Before entering the barn, he added, “I’ve never had an adult be nice to me before.”

  Rainie didn’t know what to say. She had craved positive adult attention in her own childhood. She knew the ache of longing for approval. And although she hadn’t experienced the foster care system herself, she thought about how difficult it must be to find yourself aging out of a system that provided you with basic care in terms of material items, yet lacked in the department of connection and love. She imagined how scared teens, much the same as Jackson, must be when they were turned loose into a world without a support system, without an anchor to fall back on, without knowing they had a specific person to count on, especially in hard times. Rainie knew hard times were inevitable for everyone. Growing up with an idyllic childhood wasn’t a gift everyone was afforded. In fact, if it hadn’t been for Milo, she would have thought idyllic childhoods were make-believe scenes that only existed on television. But Milo’s family had shown her that loving families did exist.

  “Keep showing up for work when you’re scheduled. Show up on time. Treat the animals with kindness and respect, it should go without saying to treat everyone that way. And we’ll get along fine.” Rainie told him while patting Grace once again.

  “Yes ma’am.” Rainie knew she was personified as stern and she accepted that. Sure, she had a soft heart, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t as tough as steel. You didn’t live her life without learning to be tough. She knew that true courage and strength included kindness and compassion. For anyone who mistook those traits as weakness, they were in for a big surprise when it came to Rainie Lynn Amburger. Too often, people are quick to judge. Too often people pigeon hole their view of someone. For Rainie, she was viewed by some as too nice. Others viewed her as too stubborn. And there were those who viewed her as a control freak. Although each may have been right to some degree, they were certainly neglecting the whole picture. Rainie Amburger had always been someone who was full of surprises. And some things never changed.

  Rainie sat alone on the front porch swing with a glass of cool lemonade in hand.  All of the animals were up for the night, safe in their designated barns, and the volunteers and employees had driven away. It’s something that didn’t happen often. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been alone. She lived alone, but often, once everyone had gone home for the night, she continued working; answering emails, updating the website, writing grants. And usually her work was done with a cat on her lap or a dog licking her leg. Finding herself sitting on the porch swing without another soul accompanying her felt odd. Nevertheless, Rainie closed her eyes and leaned her head back, drawing in a long deep breath and holding it for several moments before its release. The air was warm and she appreciated the light breeze. Opening her eyes, she glanced up at the expansive sky looming above. The moon was full, the crickets were chirping their night songs. Male toads were croaking. They sky was clear and full of twinkling stars. Rainie sipped her lemonade, enjoying its sweetness. Life was good. She loved her work. She loved her home. She was exhausted, but content. She’d started dating a man named Cooper McCarty three months ago. She’d been instantly attracted to his sandy blonde hair and fit build, not to mention his unwavering confidence.

  Rainie’s mind was always spinning with to-do’s. She tried to push those thoughts away tonight as she sat on the swing, letting the smells and sounds of the night overtake her. Finishing her glass of lemonade, she folded her legs up into her chest, hugging them close. At thirty-two, Rainie was pleased with the life she was building for herself. She’d built everything that surrounded her from scratch. The Kentucky Farm Sanctuary was an idea that she’d had for years and little by little, she’d built that idea into a reality. Of course, there were pieces of her perfect vision that were absent. But she knew that good things took time and nothing worth having ever came easy.

  The buzz of her phone shook her from her thoughts. Pulling it from her pocket she sighed, wanting to enjoy the stillness of the night a bit longer before being pulled back into work. She knew it would be work related because it always was. Sometimes, as of late, it was Cooper calling or texting, but he was away on business and he’d told her his schedule this evening so she knew she wouldn’t be hearing from him. She sighed once more before looking at her phone. Back to work. Not recognizing the number displayed on the screen, Rainie answered.

  “Rainie Lynn?” The voice inquired.

  Her stomach clinched. No one called her that. “Speaking.” She managed to keep her voice strong and steady, although her head was racing with curiosity.

  “Oh, Rainie.” The woman on the other end of the phone cried. “Rainie…”

  Opening her mouth to speak, she stopped swinging the porch swing and placed her feet on the ground. She knew who was on the line and as the thought entered her mind, the voice on the phone provided confirmation.

  “It’s Mama. Rainie, it’s your mama.”

  Rainie hadn’t spoken to Sarah-Jayne in nine years. She’d been twenty-three when she’d fully pulled away from her family. Once she’d left for college she’d had less and less contact with them, and then finally she’d cut the cord. She knew it had been something she had to do. Although it had been a conscious choice, she’d never felt it had been her choice. Some things in life, she’d reasoned, were meant to be. Some things had to be done as a matter of survival.

  “Mama?” Tears welled up in Rainie’s eyes. “It’s been a long time.”

  The phone went silent and Rainie began to wonder if the call had dropped.

  “Are you still there?” Rainie asked, feeling her hands begin to tremble.

  “Yes. I’m here.” Her mother’s voice was faint.

  “Where are you? Do you need help?”

  “I’m here, I’m still here in Morehead. We never moved. Same street. Same town. Same house.”

  The word we made Rainie gulp.

  “I’m calling because…” Sarah-Jayne’s voice trailed and Rainie could hear shuffling and guessed she was moving a stack of papers. “I’m calling because, well, I should have called a long time ago. And I’m sorry for that.”

  Rainie was speechless as she sat motionless on the porch swing. She pulled a blanket from the far end of the bench and wrapped it loosely around her shoulders, still gripping the phone tightly to her ear.

  “Rainie?” She paused.

  “Yes, Mama?” Rainie answered similar to how Jackson had responded to her today, her voice filled with a mixture of fear, anticipation and sadness.

  “I know you’re surprised to hear from me. I know. And the reason I’m really calling is because…because your dad…”

  A chill ran down Rainie’s spine.

  “Your dad was in a car accident. He passed away.”