The Parliamo Glasgow Omnibus E-Book

Stanley Baxter

• Herausgeber: Birlinn
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 90

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2017

Beschreibung

Visitors to the great Scottish metropolis of Glasgow are often puzzled by the colourful patois of the local citizens. A conversation about the weather opens with the mysterious phrase, 'Scummindooninbuckets'. In a bar your companions, apparently of Russian origin, greet each other with the names 'Amfurrahoff ', 'Giezahoff ' and 'Seezahoff '. You overhear a young damsel in the arms of her lover utter the ancient Celtic endearment, 'Takyurhonaffmabum'. At a Hogmanay party you offer the hostess a packet of wine-gums, and she thanks you in the lilting language of her Hebridean ancestors: 'Meanjiolbampoat! ' All at sea? Don't despair! Professor Stanley Baxter is here to teach you all you need to know about the rich Glaswegian tongue in this omnibus edition of his legendary language course, Parliamo Glasgow. Now illustrated with hilarious drawings by Bob Dewar, this guide will replace your confusion with complete understanding - and tears of laughter.

Leseprobe

TheParliamo GlasgowOmnibus

Omnibus edition published in 2002 by Birlinn Ltd

This illustrated edition published in 2008 by

Birlinn Ltd

West Newington House

l0 Newington Road

Edinburgh

EH9 1QS

www.birlinn.co.uk

First published in two volumes by Paul Harris Publishing

Text copyright © J. Maxwell 1992

Illustrations copyright © Bob Dewar 2008

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical or photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the express written permission of the publisher.

ISBN 978 1 84158 774 5

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Set in Gill Sans and Perpetua at Birlinn

Printed and bound in Great Britain byCox and Wyman Ltd

STANLEY BAXTER

is one of Scotland’s best-loved comedians and actors. He was born in Glasgow and made his professional debut in the Edinburgh Festival production of The Thrie Estaites in 1948. He made many stage appearances throughout the 1950s and 60s and became popular on television from the late 1950s with the series On the Bright Side, followed by Baxter On… (1964) and The Stanley Baxter Show (1968–71). He lives in London.

Contents

Foreword to the Omnibus Edition

At the Discotheque

The Professor on a Glaswegian Summer Holiday

The Engagement Party

The Professor on Hogmanay

Dining Out

The Professor on Mating Habits

Consumer Affairs

The Professor at a Hallowe’en Party

The Contretemps

The Professor Attends a Wedding Reception

Thespians in Trouble

The Professor Pays a Tribute to Rabbie

From The Concise Parliamo Dictionary of Current Glaswegian

The Language of Romance

The Professor on a Shopping Expedition

Upatraburd’s

Tips for Tourists

The Professor Has One Enchanted Evening

Broadcasting Techniques

The Professor in the Park

The IT People

The Professor Joins a Migration

The Professor Makes a Gastronomic Discovery

Mr Ballhead, Ballet Dancer

Mr Ballhead, Marathon Runner

The Dog Called Parliamo Glasgow

Foreword

At last! All my “Parliamo Glasgows” within one volume. I hope it will be a bumper fun book for all the family of Scots both at home and abroad who treasure the Glasgow “patter”.

I originally came up with the idea of treating broad Glasgow speech as a foreign language and translating it into English in the early fifties when I was still a member of the Citizens1 Theatre Company. It was for a radio show and I thought it would be fun to have an elderly Oxbridge-type professor of anthropology visit the Glasgow “tribe” and recount his experiences. This went down so well with the radio audience that I repeated it on stage in the “Five-Past Eight” shows.

After doing two or three “Professors” on T.V., I said to the man who had written them “can we get away from a ‘talking head’ and open up this idea for television?” Alex Mitchell – for it was he – came up with the idea of spoofing “Parliamo Italiano” – an adult education series that was then current. We followed its format precisely and Scotland simply fell in love with the item.

It led not only to lots more being written for me by Alex – but to many imitators all over the place. Dundee came up with its Dundonian version – and even Australia with “Let’s Talk Strine”.

But there was only one Alex Mitchell, and his death two years ago brought “Parliamo Glasgow” to an end. So this bumper edition is a keepsake of all the ones he wrote and I performed with such relish.

STANLEY BAXTER

At the Discotheque

Lecturer: In certain discotheques in Glasgow the more obscure words and phrases used by the native dancers may not be understood by non-Glasgwegian patrons. As one enters such an establishment one may hear the word –

MASHUR

This can form a greeting when the letter “O” is put in front of it and added to it is the word –

SELSOTIZ

And there is our greeting –

OMASHURSELSOTIZ

In English – “Oh my, it is yourself, so it is”. Again –

MASHUR

is often employed by a young man in a disco when he first catches sight of a prepossessing damsel. This time, however, it is preceded by three words –

AWANNIGERRAHODDA and RATS

and so we have the fervent declaration –

AWANNI GERRAHODDA RATS MASHUR

He thus indicates that he wishes to take hold of the young lady and dance with her…

Of course, the word undergoes a subtle change of meaning when used by a gentleman who finds dancing a rather warm proceeding. He will then exclaim –

MASHUR

This is quickly followed by the words –

TAILSTIKKINTIMABAHOOKI

which gives us the dramatic disclosure –

MASHURTAIL STIKKINTIMABAHOOKI

Another interesting word heard in the discotheque is

JIWANNI

To a young lady a gentleman will make the request –

JIWANNI DANCE?

Should she find that he is over-anxious to ply her with refreshments she will regard him with suspicion and inquire –

JIWANNI GETMIBEVVID?JIWANNI

in certain circumstances changes to –

JIWANNA

used generally in conjunction with the word –

BELTOANRAMOOTH

A female dancer who is sneered at by another maiden may threaten her detractor with facial damage. And so she utters the sinister sentence –

JIWANNABELTOANRAMOOTH?

When a young lady is invited to a gentleman’s flat for “coffee or something” she knows intuitively what the “something” is. Thereupon she will reply in ringing tones –

KAMMACOO

It is part of the traditional answer many Glaswegian damsels give to dubious nocturnal invitations and is invariably preceded by –

JIHING

Her full reply to the gentleman’s proposition is –

JIHINGKAMMACOO?

I chanced to hear a young lady give such a reply to a forward fellow from outwith the city. He said “I don’t get it.” Quick as a flash his fair companion assured him –

BIGOADANYEDONTMAC!

The Professor

On a Glaswegian Summer Holiday

One of my most vivid memories of Glasgow is that of the lovely old city’s celebrated jour de fête or, to give it its Keltic designation, the Day of Fair Setter, or Fair Setter Day.

As I hastened into the street to join in the revelry I found the air filled with the traditional festival song – “ERRARAINOANU… SCUMMINDOONINBUCKITS!” I was advised to follow the merry throng leaving the metropolis to take train and steamship to the carnival city of Rothesay. But first, how was I to proceed thereto?

I requested directions of a sturdy young native who was resting at a street comer. Alas the youth did not appear to be versed in the English language. His only answer to my query was a lilting Gaelic phrase signifying his regret at being unable to assist me. “AWORRAL,” he sighed, “AWORRAL KNOACKYURHEIDAFF.”

Fortunately a small patriarchal gentleman perceived our linguistic impasse and came to my assistance. “CENTRUL STATION,” he intoned. Then, to my amazement, he commenced to conjugate one of the lesser-known Latin verbs – “GERRABUS… NORISBUS… ANURRABUS… O, HEERABUS!” I complimented him on his erudition and hired a taxicab to convey me to the Central Station.

As I entered the imposing old edifice the very spirit of Mardi Gras was abroad. Still the glad cries came from the ecstatic vacationers. A large matron gave voice to what sounded to me like the rallying cry of a Highland clan – “IZFURGOATRABLIDDITICKITS!” Soon I was being carried on a wave of happy humanity towards the train.

I was not sorry to find a corner seat and I put my bowler hat down beside me. Judge of my surprise when I was addressed by two young ladies who were obviously of Burmese descent. One damsel declared, “ERRASATE.” Her companion quickly riposted with “WHERRASATE?” Then the first young lady regarded me with a quizzical air and uttered a strange-sounding Eastern phrase – “ZATSATETOOK?” I could only shake my head. Suddenly, to my astonishment, the stouter of the two maidens sat down upon my hat… However, she apologised with yet another pretty Burmese phrase – “FLYMANU SATESTOOKNOO.”

At Wemyss Bay as we formed a queue for embarkation in the ship for Rothesay the word ‘TAKYUR!” came frequently to my ears. ‘TAKYURTIME!” urged a gentleman heavily burdened with luggage; ‘TAKYURBAGAFFMAFIT!” called a lady; and a comely maiden observed to a gallant near her… ‘TAKYURHONNAFFMABUM!”

It was not long ere the ship arrived at the island paradise of Rothesay. As I walked along the promenade I was astonished by the cosmopolitan aspect of the visitors. On all sides gentlemen of the Mahommedan persuasion were calling out “ALLAH! ALLAH!… ALLAHAWAFURRAPINT”… “ALLAHAWAFURRAHAUF” and “ALLAHAWANGITSTOCIOUS”.

Later, in a hostelry, I was in conversation with one of these gentlemen and he told me the names of some of his fellow-travellers. I was astounded to learn that they were undoubtedly of Chinese ancestry. “See,” said my new-found friend, “He is HAUF FU… He is JISTABOOT FU and he is BUNG FU.” A gentleman who had seated himself on the floor was designated FU AZZAWULK. I made bold to question Mr Fu Azzawulk as to his place of origin in Ancient China. He looked up at me and answered in the language of his forefathers – “ALHINGWAN OANYU.”

I learned much during my sojourn amongst the Glaswegian natives on the glamorous island of Bute. I append a glossary of some of the more obscure words in their fascinating language.

SOFFIKOLRADAY: Today’s temperature is extremely low.

SLIKRADEIDAWINTER: The temperature is reminiscent of that experienced in December.

MASPUDZIZLOUPIN: The typical summer weather has reactivated my chilblains.

RATWINZAPEST: That wind is a nuisance.

BELLAZBROLLIZBLEWOOT: Bella’s umbrella has been rendered useless by the gale.

RA1NZOANAGAIN: The weather is back to normal.

SJISTASHOOR: I am making an optimistic weather forecast.

SAFNU! The downpour has ceased.

RASUNZOOT: A miracle has taken place!

The Engagement Party

Lecturer: This lecture on Glasgwegianology commences with a playlet about a young lady and her sweetheart who are attending a party to celebrate the engagement of their friend Nancy. As they stand together in a corner surveying the guests they converse in their native tongue…

Girl: It wiz nice o’ Nancy invitin’ us yins tae hur pairty.

Young man: Aye.

Girl: Therr’s Nancy’s financy, Wee Clancy… a right chancer.

Young man: Hoo can Nancy fancy rat chancer Clancy fur a financy?

Girl: He’s in ra money.

Young man: She’s in ra club.

Girl: Haud yur bliddy tongue!A FEMALE IN THE BACKGROUND STARTSTO SING “VOLARE”.

Girl: Whissat noise?

Young man: It’s Carrie Balharrie singin’ “Volare”.

Girl