The Pause Principle E-Book

Cynthia Kane

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 253

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

Become a better communicator during awkward, difficult, or tense moments in the workplace

In The Pause Principle: How to Keep Your Cool in Tough Situations, renowned corporate communications expert Cynthia Kane reveals her tried-and-tested SOFTEN practice to better handle awkward, difficult, or tense conversations at work by breaking free of automatic reactions including shutting down, running away, yelling, or getting passive aggressive or defensive. In this book, readers will learn how to regulate their bodily responses and emotions to arrive at peaceful and productive resolutions during even the most challenging moments at work.

With Kane's help, readers have the opportunity to make a profound impact in their organizations, both interpersonally and quantitatively by reducing miscommunications and therefore corporate errors. This book explores topics such as:

• The fight, flight, or freeze response, and why it's actually a very effective evolution strategy in the wilderness—just not in the workplace
• The true financial cost of corporate miscommunication, estimated to be $4,200 per employee per year
• The importance of mindfulness in work and life, and its key role in calming the human nervous system during stressful situations

The Pause Principle: How to Keep Your Cool in Tough Situations earns a well-deserved spot on the bookshelves of corporate leaders, executives, managers, and all individuals seeking proven strategies to smoothly navigate stressful social situations in the workplace.

Leseprobe

THE PAUSE PRINCIPLE

HOW TO KEEP YOUR COOL IN TOUGH SITUATIONS

CYNTHIA KANE

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Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.

Published simultaneously in Canada.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is Available:

ISBN 9781394283408 (Cloth)ISBN 9781394283415 (ePub)ISBN 9781394283422 (ePDF)

Cover Design: Paul McCarthy

This book is dedicated to you, the reader.May it help you find more moments ofconnection even when it’s hard.

Acknowledgments

This is my favorite section to write because I love being able to take the time out of my day to sit here and thank the people who made this book happen. I can’t help but smile when I think of how this all came to be and thank the universe for opening the doors so easily. The path is set—just walk forward. Well … here we are! Thank you.

I want to thank Troy Mott from Backstop Media for bringing Christina Rudloff into my life again. Because of Christina this book exists. One call that led to a proposal to a meeting to a yes, and here we are. Christina, you have been an anchor for me throughout this process. You have made me feel so at home with Wiley, and I am so grateful to you for seeing my work and believing in it and wanting to go all in with it. Your belief is what kept me going. Thank you.

Anne Marie O’Farrell is one of the most kind, honest, and generous souls I’ve met. While you weren’t able to represent me with this book, you went above and beyond to make sure I found the right literary home—thank you.

To my agent Rita Rosenkranz. I know the way we found each other was a bit unconventional, though I’m so thrilled you said yes to me, to my work, and this book. Having someone in my corner this whole time to run things past has been invaluable to me, and I never once have felt alone in this process. Thank you for going through this with me and sharing your years of experience. I’m so appreciative of all that you do.

I’m so happy I was able to connect with Tess Woods. Thank you for helping to spread the word about this book and find the right outlets who may be interested in what I have to say. And to the powerhouse of Matt, Alana, Leah, Polly, Liz, and Fred, wow, you guys, we did it! Thank you for all the energy you put into this book and guiding me every step of the way. To Tom Dinse, thank you for digging into the chapters and giving me your editorial feedback, and to the design team at Wiley, thanks for the rounds we did together on the cover—I absolutely love it! Kevin Gillespie, thank you for the cycle of reactivity image; it’s still one of my favorites that I use all the time in my work.

This book has come out of the years I’ve spent working with men and women on helping them change the way they communicate, to become more responsive instead of reactive. Daily I’m aware of the reciprocal relationship between me and those I work with. This work isn’t easy, and it takes a lot of courage to first admit something needs to change and then seek out a way for it to happen. I am so grateful for all those who I’ve worked with over the years. Each person has left an indelible mark on my soul and has helped me to grow in so many ways.

Since I was five years old I knew I wanted to write books. It was a clear dream and goal that continues to this day. And while the road hasn’t been easy or short, the two people who have been there since my days of writing poetry under my dresser late at night are my parents. For every moment you have been there, and I’m so appreciative of your never-ending love and support. For every twist and turn and fall, you’ve been there to help me up and keep me going, and for every smooth sail and opportunity you’ve been right there cheering me on. Thank you for all of it. I love you.

To my big sis, gosh, you’re such a light to me. Thank you for listening to me and telling me like it is. I love our weirdness and our yearly trip and our stories and our history. I’m glad you’re always a phone call away because my life wouldn’t be complete without you.

The Segraves/Garcia/von Hass clan, thank you for bringing me into your family and always being so supportive of me and my work. When we’re all together it brings me such joy. There’s nothing better than sitting around a big table, with lots of food, good conversation, good people, and lots of laughter. Thank you.

To my ride or dies Ingrid Nilsen, Brandi Buechle, Ashley Baker, Tini Rhufus, Laura Ressler, Ilva Tare, Susan Soloman, Jeremy Levitt, Andrea Pungoti, Alex Miezlish, you guys are the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you for listening to me talk about my work, the book, helping me look at different versions of the cover, and giving me your thoughts and opinions. Each of you makes the world a better place to live in. Thank you. And thank you, Sam and Kim, for always making life more fun and for being awesome cheerleaders!

I’ve had so many teachers and mentors over the years. Some I know personally, and others I’ve just consumed their work over and over again. My work is a combination of everything I’ve learned along the way, so thank you to Susan Piver, Sara McLean, Thich Nhat Hanh, Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, Marshall B. Rosenberg, Jon Kabat-Zin, Sharon Salzburg, Peter A. Levine, Beth Jacobs, Sakyong Mipham, Dzigar Kongtrul, Gail Chapman, Dr. Stephen Porges, Joseph Goldstein, Gil Fronsdale, Pema Chödrön, Angela Lauria, Avalon Starlight, Dale Carnegie, Jack Canfield.

And finally … my tribe. My kiddos, Holden and Ryah, who give me opportunities to practice my work, daily. Thank you for making it all so fun and playful and for letting me know when I need to press the pause button. And to my main squeeze, Bryan, you make it all possible all the time. Thank you. Simpatico forever and always.

Introduction

Through your actions as a leader, you attract a tribe that WANTS to follow you.

—Seth Godin

Let me be the first to welcome you here to this book. I know you’re busy, you’ve got calls to make, and emails to respond to, you have meetings and family obligations, you have a life to be lived. I know how hard it is these days to take the time to sit and read, even when we know a book has the power to change the way we see and interact with the world and those around us. Because of this, I promise not to take your time for granted.

So settle in, and start here, as this introduction provides the basic foundation you need to understand what this book is about, why it’s different than other communication books out there, and what it’s going to teach you. I promise, you won’t find any fluff in these pages—it was written with you in mind.

What Is This Book About? And Why Is It Different Than the Rest?

There’s a lot of difficult, awkward, and intense conversations that need to be had when you’re a leader within a company that can be downright uncomfortable. I’m sure you can name a few you’ve had even within the last week or month. And what’s hard is that you want to treat others as you also want to be treated: to be fair and disciplined and to show your appreciation for your teams. Knowing their trust means everything, you want to make sure you have their best interest in mind and that you’re continuing to create security for them and making the best decisions to help them grow as well as the company itself. While that’s your intention, in the heat of a conversation, it may all come out completely different.

While not everyone is caught on camera like Travis Kalanick at Uber digging into one of his drivers, more and more of those in leadership positions are being called out internally for how their reactions or outbursts are causing a breakdown within company culture and environment. When we’re in the heat of the moment it’s hard to find the language to make it the best possible outcome. Where we want to bring people together and create a sense of trust and connection, instead we create a disconnect and divide, and soon our organization feels like a dysfunctional family—with rivalry, trying to one-up one another, and slamming the door too easily on the way out. Research from the Society for Human Resource Management1 reports that in the five-year period between 2014 and 2019, toxic workplace cultures have driven 20% of US employees out of their jobs—at a turnover cost greater than $223 billion, while Forbes reports that companies with strong cultures saw a fourfold increase in revenue growth.2

At the forefront of creating a thriving culture is the way those in leadership positions communicate, especially under pressure. And if you’re noticing that it’s more and more difficult to keep it together in stressful conversations, you’re not alone. According to “The Learning Habits of Leaders and Managers”3 report, 50% of managers cited difficult conversations as the biggest challenge they face in their roles, and according to research by the US firm Gartner, 67% of managers feel uncomfortable with face-to-face communication with employees. This discomfort may be a reason we’re seeing more recorded videos being sent by those in charge either communicating layoffs, changes, or responding to challenging questions. There’s even data that claims that 34% of managers admitted to putting off having difficult conversations for at least a month and that 25% had put it off for over a year.4,5 Why are we so scared of these kinds of conversations? Not only because of the other person’s reactions but also because of our own! The Chartered Management Institute (CMI) research cited that 43% of senior managers admit to losing their temper and shouting when placed in a difficult conversation, while 40% have admitted to panicking and telling a lie.6 And it’s miscommunications like these that cost companies with 100 employees an average of $420 000 per year.7

What’s happening then? What’s making it harder to be wise in the room and have calm conversations now more than before? The daily stressors and challenges of being a leader, that’s what. There’s having to work nonstop, needing to fix fires, pivot instantly, improve relationships between employees or within a team, moral and financial challenges, mistakes being made during crunch time, having to constantly adjust to demands, and let’s not forget also having to answer to bosses, boards, shareholders, customers, numbers, what’s happening in the world, and insert whatever else has your mind running laps here.

Being in charge means you’re having multiple conversations in your head and with others at all times. And I’ll say what we all already know, COVID has added a whole new complicated conversation to the already existing pressures, with people not wanting to come back into the office, negotiating remote and hybrid work, higher employee turnover, loss of company loyalty, and on it goes. We want to be that open, trusting, and appreciative leader in these tough situations, but the conversations we have to have today can make it hard to do.

Handling stressful conversations without blowing our top or getting passive-aggressive, defensive, dodging, or shutting down has always been good for business, but now more so than ever. As mentioned, COVID has truly changed the landscape of work: where before people may have stayed within a team or company where the leadership was rude, dismissive, or aggressive, now employees are less likely to stay, and CEOs and managers are being asked to leave or are being pushed out.

Given that there are about 11 million meetings held every day and the world’s challenges continue, it’s safe to say that you’re going to find yourself in many more difficult, awkward, stressful, and high-stakes conversations as time goes on. So who do you want to be in those moments? As someone in a leadership role, what you say and what you do matters. It is you who others are following, imitating, and influenced by; it is you who sets the tone. A Gallup study found that 70% of the variance in employee engagement is directly related to the manager.8 Frontline managers, in particular, are the most crucial lever when it comes to engaging an organization’s employees. That’s a big responsibility to have as it means that the way you handle tough conversations has the potential to make or break the bottom line.

Most companies try to fix “heat of the moment” reactions by enlisting employees in communication courses or training on effective communication skills. Here the focus is usually on active listening, speaking, and breaking off using dialogue partners. These programs give instruction and information, and people will often leave with a script to use. Then what happens? The course, training, is over, the employee is dropped back into the real world, and everything they “learned” doesn’t work—they’re still being derisive and antagonistic in tough situations, and they’re wondering why. Why did these theories work in a controlled environment but out in the wild I’m making things worse? Has this ever happened to you? It’s definitely happened to me. Here’s what the issue is—we don’t see communication as a practice; we see it as a learning objective—and we are all focusing on the wrong part of communication.

Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote that “between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

To keep our cool in high-pressure moments, we need to put our attention not on the words we use or how we’re listening but on that split second between the other person’s words and our reaction—the space in between. How can we expand the space in between, lengthen the time between the stimulus and the response so we can choose calm, clarity, and compassion toward others in moments we maybe want to go for the jugular, overexplain, or run for the hills?

As you can see in Figure I.1, the text inside the large circle is what we usually focus on when it comes to communication—the automatic reaction or default reaction. This means we spend a lot of time trying to fix this part by learning how to say the right thing and listen in the correct way so as not to ruffle any feathers. However, changing our default reaction and saying the “right thing” and listening more skillfully isn’t possible to do or maintain until we learn more about this little circle down at the bottom—the space in between.

FIGURE I.1 Old focus of communication (big circle) vs. new focus of communication (little circle).

This little circle is the key to disrupting the speed at which heated moments begin to unravel. If we can master this moment and put our attention here, then we can handle whatever challenging conversation comes our way in a way that we respect and others admire.

What is this space in between? A pause.

You might be thinking, right, Right, I’ve heard this before, and it’s because you likely have. It’s easy advice that has been handed down from generation to generation, and it goes something like this, “All you have to do is pause before you speak.” How many times have you heard it said? And usually within a bulleted list on someone’s PowerPoint or as a subheading with a dedicated paragraph within a book or as advice from a friend or parent. The suggestion is a good one, though it’s normally glossed over and not given much attention, because it sounds so simple to do. Well, here’s the newsflash: it’s not simple at all. If we all were able to pause in these hard conversations, then we wouldn’t be seeing so many adult temper tantrums in the headlines. Pausing is not something we inherently know how to do or can do. It’s also not something others teach us how to do, especially in heated conversations.

Until now.

This book is here to help you stay cool in tough situations by learning how to pause. A simple concept that is hard to implement without direction.

This book isn’t based on theories; it’s based on my own experience of learning how to show up differently in tough conversations. It took me a while to admit that in challenging conversations I would get passive-aggressive, dismissive, defensive, and give others the silent treatment. I would leave these moments feeling stressed, upset, knowing I was now going to have to repair the situation somehow. I read all the books, took tons of classes, went to retreats, had coaches, but it was one weekend seminar in New York when I had my aha moment. That weekend I was introduced to meditation and mindfulness, and what I figured out was how my reactivity began way before words ever left my mouth; my reactivity began in my body.

I started then playing around with mindfulness practices to regulate my body within a difficult and intense interaction to calm my reactivity. By doing this what I learned was how to carve out, extend, and make bigger that little circle from Figure I.1. I was learning how to pause and expand my capacity for discomfort in uncomfortable conversations so I could interact skillfully within them.

When I figured this out I felt as if I’d unlocked some kind of superpower—a place within that I didn’t know existed and where I had more control of the chaos and uncertainty I felt in those interactions. Suddenly, I wasn’t reacting defensively or passive-aggressively anymore—instead, I was choosing my words more intentionally, which was changing my relationships and repairing broken ones. I loved the freedom that came with this new practice, and I wanted to share it. For over a decade now, I’ve been working with CEOs, company presidents, HR professionals, financial planners, managers, educators, parents, caregivers, therapists, executives, nonprofits, and coaches—showing them how to create this pause within strenuous conversations, giving them in-the-moment practices to not get caught up in the cyclone that intense discussions can become.

I’ve had experiences in the past working with pretty volatile bosses, and all the time I wondered what I could do to change the situation, or better yet, how to avoid the reactive outbursts; if I just spoke in this way or maybe didn’t go on too long, then the anger wouldn’t erupt, and I wouldn’t go in to questioning my sense of self and value added to the team and company. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make meetings and one-on-one interactions easy and relaxed, though when I look back now, yes, I did have a responsibility for how I was speaking and reacting, but so too did the one in the leadership role. For years I figured out how to manage my bosses’ yelling, passive-aggression, and dismissiveness, and it shouldn’t have been my responsibility to do so.

Most of the people I work with want to do better for their teams, clients, families, and partners, and they know that difficult conversations are essential conversations for growth. They want to speak with calm, clarity, compassion, and confidence, and they want to cultivate a space of trust and understanding in critical situations. It’s a tall order and a high standard to have, though possible with the practices in this book. Maybe you picked up this book because you want to feel more confident within stressful conversations or you want to make sure you’re being an intentional and responsive leader that keeps communication fluid and accessible with those around you. Perhaps you’re looking for new ways to build trust and credibility. Or better yet, you want to create more engagement, dialogue, discussion, and to reignite meetings and talks where differing ideas bring about clarity and innovation. Whatever the reason is that brought you to this book, know that I’m glad you’re here, and I’m excited to share this superpower with you—it’s life changing.

What This Book Will Teach You

In Part I I’m going to cover what most people I work with want to know when they first come to this practice. I’ll explain more about what’s happening right now within tough conversations that make it impossible to pause. Then I’ll share what’s needed to be able to take that moment within stressful conversations and introduce the pause principle, which is to SOFTEN. You’ll then get an overview of the pause practices, and then each chapter in Part II is dedicated to an individual practice.

The practices in this book are mindfulness practices that I’ve been teaching for over 10 years; they are concrete, tangible, and meant to be used in the moment, which means you’ll be doing them within your conversations. Soon you’ll know which ones work best for you, and they’ll become your go-to pause practices for tough situations. You’ll also be introduced to different meditations that will help you easily implement the pause practices you’ll be learning, and then I’ll hand over a five-day pause challenge and a 30-day pause plan for you to try out. And make sure to check out the links shared in the last chapter, where you can sign up to do the 30-day pause plan and get daily tips from me to help you implement the pause practices; there’s also a link to get a free download of the pause principle workbook, which you can give to your team, do with your team, or try out by yourself.

What you’ll learn here is how to self-regulate so that you can access yourself within the conversation and no longer be led and directed by the emotional overload. My hope is that these practices help you to stay in the room and actually have conversations, even when it’s hard. And that when you’re in a heated exchange, you’ll remember the idea of softening and then intuitively grab one practice in that moment.

Years ago, I started sharing this work with others to help them pause in serious interactions, and every year since then, more and more people have benefited from the work. CEOs are finally talking, seeing more employee engagement and less turnover. Managers who weren’t able to connect with their teams are being let in more and finding their groups are more productive and loyal. Educators are listening to one another after years of feeling unheard and unappreciated. It’s possible to learn how to pause in a moment where you would usually lash out, shut down, walk away, get defensive, or overexplain; I do it, those I’ve worked with now do it, and so can you.