Table of Contents
Praise
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Foreword
Acknowledgements
Introduction
PART 1 - Eight Steps to Writing a Healing Memoir
STEP 1 - Understanding Your Reasons for Writing
Why Write a Memoir
Overcoming Obstacles to Fulfilling Your Motivation
STEP 2 - Doing Your Research
Exploring the Elements of Your Story
The Story Imagined
STEP 3 - Planning Your Memoir
Turning Points
A Developmental Model
STEP 4 - The Psychology of Memoir Writing
What Is a Family and How Does It Work?
Developmental Models of Growth
A Positive Model of Personal Growth
STEP 5 - The Dark Stuff
The Prevalence of Pain and Abuse in Our Lives
Preparing to Write
How to Overcome Dark Memories That Get in the Way
Balancing the Dark and Light Stories
STEP 6 - Organizing the Narrative Arc
Why Does Your Memoir Need Dramatic Structure?
The Importance of Choosing Your Scenes and Turning Points
Story Structure and the Narrative Arc
Three Acts of Dramatic Structure
This Boy’s Life by Tobias Wolff
Suspense and Mystery in Stories
Where Does Your Story End?
Building Blocks of the Narrative Arc
Alternate Structures
Writing and Rewriting—On Your Way to the Final Manuscript
STEP 7 - To Publish—or Not
Ethical Issues Memoir Writers Struggle With
Do No Harm
On Writing the Truth About Loved Ones
Tips for Making Ethical Decisions About Your Memoir
Preparing to Publish Your Memoir
Finding a Professional Independent Editor
Finding an Agent
Do I Need a Book Proposal?
Building Your Platform
Book Publishing Options
STEP 8 - The Power of Writing to Heal
The Research on Writing That Heals
Why Your Words Matter
How Story Reweaves Autobiographical Memory
The Narrative Arc of Healing
A Forgiveness Process
Writing Through Trauma into Healing
Writing the Positive Stories of the Healing Arc
Writing the Stories That Reveal Themselves to You
PART 2 - Spirituality, Therapy, and Stories
CHAPTER 1 - Spirituality, Meditation, and Inner Listening
Meditation for Self-Reflection
Writing Affirmations
Writing from Your Inner Self
CHAPTER 2 - For Therapists Who Use the Healing Power of Memoir
Writing in Scene
Writing in Groups
Writing in Individual Therapy
CHAPTER 3 - Stories from the Workshops
EPILOGUE
RESOURCES
RECOMMENDED READING
READER’S GUIDE
BIBLIOGRAPHY
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Index
More Praise for The Power of Memoir
“Linda Joy Myers folds in her experiences as a therapist and creative-writing instructor to sum up, in detail, the complex journey of memoir writing. Her steps are clear, practical, and accurate and will shed light on the road ahead as you put your story on paper.”
—Marina Nemat, author, Prisoner of Tehran: One Woman’s Story of Survival Inside an Iranian Prison
“This book transforms memoir writing into an adventure with a caring and knowledgeable guide. You can safely take Linda Joy Myers’s hand through the forests, swamps, cataracts, and meadows of memoir, learning a great deal on the way.”
—Gillie Bolton, author, The Therapeutic Potential of Creative Writing and Reflective Practice Writing, Edition 3
“In this brilliant new book, Linda Joy Myers shows readers how—by example and with examples—to write the truth about their lives in eight clear steps. She covers multiple aspects of the writing process, including overcoming writing blocks, keeping your motivation alive, and the power of writing to heal both the body and the soul. Dr. Myers serves as an extraordinary guide for anyone contemplating writing a memoir, fiction, or nonfiction. The Power of Memoir is a must-read.”
—Neil Fiore, Ph.D., author, The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play and Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer: Become an Active Patient and Take Charge
“The Power of Memoir presents clear guidance through complex questions about writing the truth, conquering the inner critic, and putting emotional issues into perspective. And Myers offers the fictional tools necessary to write a professional memoir. I recommend it!”
—Sheri McConnell, CEO, National Association of Women Writers and the Global Institute of Associations
“Anyone who has a story they want to tell will benefit from reading this book. Therapists will find it useful for working with clients who want to create a narrative. Above all, Linda Joy Myers has written a book that will make the telling of painful and difficult things safe and manageable for the writer and the people in their lives.”
—Kate Thompson, vice-chair, Lapidus UK, faculty member of The Center for Journal Therapy
“The Power of Memoir stuns me with its depth of appreciation for the reader’s search for personal story. In an authoritative yet caring voice, Linda Joy generously offers a road map to everyone who wants to embark on this creative journey.”
—Jerry Waxler, M.S., memoir teacher and author of the blog Memory Writers Network, http://www.memorywritersnetwork.com/blog
“Drawing on her personal journey as a memoirist and her experience as a therapist, Linda Joy Myers has created a richly informative and user-friendly, highly readable, and comprehensive manual. If you are serious about finally telling your story, this book is a must. Let Linda Joy move you toward your goal of writing your life.”
—Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D., A.T.R., art therapist, and author, The Creative Journal and Recovery of Your Inner Child
“Building on her rich experience as a memoirist and therapist, Linda Joy Myers offers a path for writing oneself into wholeness, guiding us from memory to the kind of healing that comes from writing one’s truth. The Power of Memoir is an indispensable resource for anyone who is inspired to write from life’s ups and downs.”
—Sharon A. Bray, Ed.D., author, When Words Heal: Writing Through Cancer
“The Power of Memoir is unique among the many books available to help aspiring memoir writers. It ranks at the top of the list if only for the clear and easily understood instruction on the craft of writing, and for Linda Joy Myers’s compassionately professional guidance on tender topics like defining boundaries for the story and dealing with secrets and family objections. This material is found nowhere else.”
—Sharon Lippincott, M.A., author, The Heart and Craft of Story Writing
“Painful memories can weigh heavily on an individual and for too long a time. As Myers clearly demonstrates, memoir writing done well can have substantial therapeutic benefits. The Power of Memoir is a primer on how to lighten our pain—or even unburden ourselves entirely. An experienced psychologist and memoir professional, Myers is well prepared to guide the reader who seeks a way through and beyond the labyrinth of recurring oppressive memories. In these wellcrafted pages, accessible to the accomplished writer and the neophyte alike, Myers presents both theory and practical writing and psychological exercises to work through difficulties of the past. A necessary addition to any memoir-writing bookshelf.”
—Denis LeDoux, director, Soleil Lifestory Network, and author, Turning Memories into Memoirs
Copyright © 2010 by Linda Joy Myers. All rights reserved.
Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-1741—www.josseybass.com
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Myers, Linda Joy, date.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
eISBN : 978-0-470-56455-4
1. Autobiography-Authorship. 2. Autobiography-Psychological aspects. I. Title.
CT25.M94 2010
808’.06692-dc22
2009035987
PB Printing
To my children—for inspiring men to heal the generation, and to my sweet grandchildren, Miles, Zoe, and Seth, for showing me that my healing journey has made a difference.
To all the students whose work I’ve had the privilege to read—you are my teachers. I am deeply touched by your powerful stories and honor your courage and commitment to writing.
In memory of Etty
FOREWORD
If, as some authors suggest, the plot of every memoir is the memoirist’s quest to make meaning out of life experiences, then it may follow that one theme of every memoir is the context of family and culture in which the experiences reside.
Our stories shape us, and our families shape our stories. Societies, said Ira Progoff, are “those parts of ourselves that were there before we were.” We are each product and process of our own bubbling stew of culture, class, ethnicity, neighborhood, nation, religion, ancestry, DNA. Our most particular and enduring influences are those we are born into.
How remarkable, then, to have a book from a family therapist whose work is to help us tell and write the stories that have shaped us. The Power of Memoir represents a sophisticated integration of Linda Joy Myers’s decades of clinical experience, merged with her lifetime of creative expression and her own story of triumph over the complexity of circumstance.
Core theories of developmental psychology and family dynamics are concisely reviewed and offered as a pathway into deeper understanding of the context of our lives. An excellent section on why people write memoirs includes reasons not normally addressed in polite company, such as to settle emotional scores, or to expose injustice or abuse. Even potential retaliatory motives are offered dignity and respect, with the understanding that there well might be a shift toward healing along the way.
The eight-step process outlined—from understanding motives to understanding the labyrinthine publishing process—includes a stellar chapter on research, with many free Internet resources and dozens of practical tips on how to fill in historic or cultural gaps. There are also hundreds of story starters, arranged along both narrative and developmental arcs, as well as useful tips for therapists who facilitate individual or group therapeutic writing processes.
As she does in her previous book on memoir, Linda Joy turns over the last section of the book to her students, whose own stories not only provide modeling of the techniques offered, but also make riveting reading.
The cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien tells of indigenous villages that sit together and share the stories of their days. After each story, whether of feast or famine, struggle or resolve, pride or shame, the villagers nod and say, “Now that’s a healing story.” May this book guide you to the power that comes from writing your own healing stories.
Kathleen Adams, LPC
Director, Center for Journal Therapy
Denver, Colorado
www.journaltherapy.com
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thank you to my smart and supportive friends in Bella Quattro, my writing group. Without you, and a nudge in the right direction at a writing conference, this book might not have been born. And thanks too for the great food, ambience, and laughter. I look forward to celebrating the joy of creativity many times in the future.
I’d like to thank my agent, Verna Dreisbach, and my editor, Alan Rinzler, for believing in this book and helping it come into being. Thanks to Ron Kane for showing me how to be brave during dark nights of the soul, and how to find the light. I’m so grateful to all the writers I’ve worked with. Your writing and struggles to tell your truths have been my inspiration.
So many people have shared with me their knowledge, expertise, and support. I can’t name you all, but I’m grateful to be part of a community that passionately believes in the power of words, art, and creativity to heal and transform lives. May all our work make a difference in shaping the world into a more compassionate and happy place.
INTRODUCTION
The goal of this book is to help you write the truth about your life, to create a memoir that helps you put unresolved conflicts behind you, heals past wounds, and helps you find meaning, value, and inspiration for your life.
You may ask, “What is my truth—and what will happen if I tell it?” Think about what memories are hidden in the folds of your mind. How do they appear in dreams, haunt you, and invite you to take them from their hiding place? What family secrets make you desperate to find out more, those secrets that whisper the things you need to be able to know to heal the past?
It’s important to begin with an understanding of the emotional motivation for writing your memoir. Do you want to set the record straight? Are you writing looking for love, forgiveness, or revenge? Perhaps you want to write the story of your spiritual quest or encounters with extraordinary events or people. This book will address these questions.
As a therapist for more than thirty years, I live in a world of words and stories. Every day I observe how language exposes and hides, breaks open and seals off the writer from her inner truth. Language can be a sword that penetrates stone, or it can build walls. I listen to the stories of my clients, seeking clues to openings and possible change, and turning my ear toward echoes of forgiveness and deeper truths. I do my best to sprinkle the seeds of growth and wisdom that I hope will take root, as I try to protect the garden while praying for gentle rain.
Coming from a family where three generations of mothers abandoned their daughters, it was natural for me to deeply desire that all beings become healed. I was convinced that if words could be said that had never been uttered before, words like “I love you” or “I’m sorry,” lives would be changed. I had seen words used to sever the ties of my family, but as I learned to read and discovered books, I saw another way that words could be used.
As a child, I would hide the flashlight under the covers and read for hours, secretly savoring the magic of other worlds, finding that words created new universes where I could learn how to survive the darkness of the family conflicts. Many writers confess the same secrets to me—how literature, poetry, and story have saved them.
After working as a therapist for many years, I began to write my own story, first in journal entries and later in stories, which led to an MFA in creative writing at Mills College. Writing a memoir turned out to be the path to a greater and deeper healing than I would have thought possible. Writing my story and translating it from imagination and memory into words on the page allowed me passage from victim to healing, taking all the separate bits and pieces of my history—my thoughts, feelings, regrets, and hopes—to weave myself whole again.
This book is a culmination and integration of other books, articles, blog posts, and many years of work with clients and students. Along the way, I discovered the groundbreaking research of Dr. James Pennebaker and others who supported what I see in my clients and writing students: writing helps to heal mind and body. His work showed me how to integrate the world of therapy and writing, and to search for others on this same path.
Another important source of inspiration has been Kathleen Adams, director of the Center for Journal Therapy, who trains facilitators and coaches in therapeutic writing. Her work, and my curiosity about the power of writing personal truths, served to launch me into my passion: teaching others how to use personal story and memoir writing to heal. I’ve also been inspired by Dr. Lucia Capacchione, Denis LeDoux, Tristine Rainer, Christine Baldwin, Deena Metzger, Michelle Weldon, John Fox, Louise de Salvo, Dan Wakefield, Hal Zia Bennett, Susan Albert, and so many others who dedicate their creativity to the art of writing and healing through poetry, writing, and reading literature. Every time I read a memoir or work with students, I’m thrilled all over again to be part of their path of creativity and courage.
When you write a memoir, you embark upon a journey from idea and memory to words on the page. To assist your imagination, you might want to draw from journals or family genealogy or unearth the family photo album. As you begin, you will likely wonder how much of your truth to tell, what’s essential to include and what isn’t. You might worry about anger or rejection when you grapple with the reality of dark emotions, pain, abuse, and unresolved conflicts. Your memoir may be focused on exploring family patterns or healing from emotional or physical illnesses. It might be a document you want to leave as a legacy to your descendants, or it may be focused on topics you’d like to share with the world. Your stories may be humorous or serious, inspiring or informative. The theme and tone of your memoir will evolve as you begin to write. The most important thing is to start right away!
Most memoir writers are challenged by the task of sorting through the overwhelming amount of detail in their lives. We’ll discuss how to organize your work, pick the key events to include, discover important turning points, create your narrative arc, and how to shape your arc of healing. You’ll learn about using the tools of fiction, and how to present your memoir to the world. This book will help you begin, develop, and plan your memoir from idea to finished manuscript.
Writing your memoir is an act of courage, an encounter with imagination and memory, and a way to build a bridge from the past to the future. Experience the power of writing your memoir now. Pick up the pen, and listen to that voice inside you as you read on.
PART 1
Eight Steps to Writing a Healing Memoir
STEP 1
Understanding Your Reasons for Writing
Even before birth, we’re a part of other people’s stories. It’s said that we enter the world in the middle of our family’s story and become one of the main characters in its drama, immediately woven into the tapestry of family, friends, and community. On our path through life, as in a fairy tale, we encounter wizards, witches, dark forests, and good fairies; we experience joys and challenges, heartaches and hope. Through struggles, failures, and successes, we discover the unique story that is ours alone. We find out who we are and where we are going.
As you muse about writing your stories, you may feel some shyness about putting everything down in black and white, but it’s enlightening to encounter the many layers of yourself and your memories, moments that have been captured in a snapshot in your mind, shifting images of perception and consciousness. Writing a memoir is like taking a journey without an exact itinerary. We launch ourselves away from all we know, stopping at stations along the way, only to hop on another train going somewhere we hadn’t planned. As long as we’re courageous and take note of our travels, we’ll benefit and learn from all the new places we visit.
Writing a memoir is an adventure into the unknown and, at the same time, like visiting the comforting old movies of the past that flicker in the parlor, where tea, a fire, and the smiles of our ancestors greet us. Tune in to the whispers of knowledge that are within you, and get ready to write.
Why Write a Memoir
A woman sits across the table from me, her eyes shining. “I have this great story about my mother . . . ” she begins. We talk about her idea, and soon it becomes clear that she has a story she wants to tell, filled with the dramas of alcoholism, abuse, absent father, and siblings that need looking after.
“Why are you wanting to write this story?” I ask her.
“Because it was such a hard life, and I overcame all these challenges. I think it will help others.” She blinks away tears.
“How much have you written?” I ask.
“I don’t know where to start. In fact, I know the family would be upset if I wrote it. My sister told me she’d never speak to me again, and I feel disloyal to my mother.” She leans in and whispers, “But isn’t it my story?” Her voice has the timbre of strength in it now.
“Yes, it’s your story, and you’re the only one who can tell it your way. Just begin with some memories in a list, or write down a few small stories you remember.”
Her face is pale now, and she turns away. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just for me. I’m so confused about things that happened, and when I write I hear their critical voices, and I feel so ashamed. Maybe I should just forget it.” She’s looking more crumpled again, and I know that we have some more talking to do.
This scenario is a common one with memoir writers—the struggle between the desire to write and all the issues, conflicts, and worries that come up at the very beginning. When the energy of excitement collides with the sheer wall of fear, guilt, or shame, it’s nearly impossible to find the creative flow necessary to write. In future chapters we will examine these concerns carefully and suggest solutions.
The energy of wanting to write will drive you through all the barriers, so it’s important to hold on to the feeling in your belly that takes over when you think about writing your story, that sense of purpose and inspiration. It’s your best friend. And let’s look at some of the motivations that drive people to write their memoirs, and how the reasons to write might be part of a healing process. Healing might mean release of old grudges, letting go of hurt feelings, or a sense of freedom and restoration in the body.
Understanding Your Motivation
Here’s a list of some of the major reasons why people are motivated to write about their lives.
1. To gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your life
2. To heal the past and create hope for the future
3. To create a legacy for your family
4. To expose injustice or abuse
5. To settle emotional scores—from anger and revenge to acceptance and forgiveness
6. To present a point of view about a controversial issue
7. To share with the world your unique experiences with travel, education, illness and recovery, family, or a spiritual quest
You may identify with some or all of the reasons on this list, so let’s take a closer look at possible reasons to write your memoir, and see how they might apply to you.
To Gain a Deeper Understanding of Yourself and Your Life
Writing helps us sort through our memories and experiences, and brings structure to the chaos of our memories. Some memoir writers feel the need to sort out conflicting family histories and put their memories in some kind of order. By telling your story, you deepen your understanding of your family and develop insight into the history and meaning of your life. If other family members wish to disagree, they are free to write their own version of the same events! Later in the book, we’ll see how current brain research shows that writing changes the brain and creates new neural pathways that help us heal and find new ways to live our lives. Research has also shown that writing integrates different sides of the brain and helps to contain the chaotic and random nature of memory.
To Heal the Past and Create Hope for the Future
Research by Dr. James Pennebaker and other scientists has proved that writing helps to heal both body and mind, integrating different parts of the brain to heal the effects of trauma. In Step Eight, we will examine these studies in detail. Writing a narrative as a healing practice is now a part of training programs for writers and therapists at the master’s degree level, and many therapists recognize writing as a necessary tool in helping to create a new perspective about the past. Writing a story helps to expose the unconscious patterns that keep the client stuck, and offers new inroads into creating a different story for the client to embrace.
To Create a Legacy for Your Family
The story of your unique and special life can be a gift to family members, particularly those not yet born. Think about the many changes that have occurred during your lifetime, all the things you have learned, and the history that is a part of you. Each phase of your life contains a slice of the larger history of the world. You have been part of this vibrant history in some way, as an observer or a participant. Think about the kinds of things your children or grandchildren will never know—how you ran free all day without being nagged to beware of strangers; the way your grandmother made bread or filled the house with song; how you learned to ride a horse; or that you attended political demonstrations.
There are many important events, ideas, and feelings you can pass along from your life to educate and inspire friends and family. These events might include births and deaths, moments of insight and learning, or the ways people lived when you were young. It is up to you whether you include the “darker” or potentially embarrassing parts of your life if you are creating your memoir as a legacy. It depends on what kind of book you want to write, the goals you have, and your audience. Whatever you choose to include, writing your memoir for your descendants can be an act of generosity and love.
To Expose Injustice and Abuse
As a psychotherapist, I encounter many people who are interested in writing about the abuse or injustices they’ve encountered in their life. Often this writing is for the private purpose of healing themselves, but some people are also passionate about exposing issues to help create change, either now or in the future.
Writing a memoir about abuse in the family might protect other family members from the same fate; describing your experience in an orphanage or foster care might promote more awareness of the challenges other children and adults face, and ways to make things better. When we have lived in extraordinary times and experienced unusual things, we are living witnesses to that history. Holocaust survivors, for instance, can bear witness to stories that otherwise might never be believed. The extensive detail and personal involvement in the survival of horrifying conditions inspired the world to take note. These survivor memoirists created personal history documents and an awareness of the cruelty and bravery of those times, searing the memory of the Holocaust into written history so that it can never be forgotten.
To Settle Emotional Scores
For some writers, the degree of abuse or instability in their childhoods is so overwhelming and emotionally stinging even after many years, the first reason to write a memoir is to expose the guilty and to set the record straight. They imagine seeing the expression on family members’ faces as “the truth” is revealed. They aren’t worried about the family reaction, and don’t feel guilty or disloyal. Instead, they write in a white heat, fueled by anger and righteous indignation.
In other cases, a spouse may want to get the last word on an ex-husband or wife, so the world will know that they are right and their former partner is forever wrong.
When the book is done, the editing begins. For some writers the layers of editing and rewriting serve to slow down the machinery of revenge, but for others, it remains as strong. I know of an author who didn’t tell her family members her memoir was going to be published by a big publishing house, thinking they would not find out, but a neighbor showed up at the door with the book in her hand. The author’s family was devastated to see themselves publicly portrayed in a vicious and violent way with no chance to present their own point of view or defend themselves. Perhaps the author was able to resolve her family issues at that point; I don’t know. But damage was done. My belief is that the memoirist can write the truth in a balanced way and inform family members so that the memoir is not used as a weapon. Just as easily, it can be a means for healing.
We will discuss in future chapters how you might begin your memoir with anger, and then find your way to other emotional resolutions. There is no one right way to write the memoir, nor a single correct goal. Your words may be more powerful than you know, so it’s important to use them carefully.
To Present a Point of View About Controversial Issues
Did you march on Washington, fight in Vietnam, or assist a famous politician? Perhaps you traveled to Africa or grew up in an orphanage, worked in the slums of Calcutta, or spent twenty years as a nun. You might have lived in the closet and been ashamed to be gay or lesbian, and finally now you want to tell the story of how you came out and found your identity. Writing about your experiences can help you to investigate more fully the nature of what happened and simultaneously inform others of events and circumstances that will educate the audience and enlarge their world. Your personal history statements of how you lived in your own skin are powerful, even if they are challenging for you to write about. However, if you are motivated to share your story, it can be a guiding light to inspire others who are struggling with similar issues in their lives.
To Share Your Recovery from Illness or Addiction, or Write About a Spiritual Transformation
When you have gone through something as challenging as recovery from an illness or an addiction, you might have learned many lessons along the way that can help others. Your story can be a cautionary tale—“don’t do as I did”—or an instructive manual about how to go through the steps from being lost to finding yourself, from despair to hope and healing, and establishing a new life.
You might view this recovery process as a spiritual quest, or you may have another spiritual journey that you want to share—your experiences with religion, miracles, gurus, and teachers. Writing stories of recovery is a way to sort out the complexities of a process that you might not have understood and integrate it further in your psyche. After it is written, you might discover your story has a universal appeal, and can be a guide for others on a similar path of searching for how to come to terms with their own dark nights of the soul and journeys into transformation and healing.
Overcoming Obstacles to Fulfilling Your Motivation
Whatever your motivations to write, you may encounter difficulties and roadblocks. Here are some of the problems that memoirists encounter most frequently.
Problems Getting Started
Many of my clients, students, and other people I know who are strongly motivated to write a memoir have a lot of trouble beginning.
In his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, Shunryu Suzuki writes about freeing the mind through meditation, creating the possibility of a fresh and truly open mind. He says that we should look at everything with curiosity and acceptance, and be both vulnerable and strong; be willing not to know everything, to withstand discomfort, and to be humble.
When you write with a beginner’s mind, you may see your story through new eyes. Writing your story the way you now see it, not the way it has always been told, can free you from the strictures of a “right” way to view the world. Perhaps you are the one in the family who doesn’t agree with the point of view of other family members. You may feel lonely or even crazy under those circumstances. But, this is what you know, this is your truth.
Hearing Critical Voices
Using a beginner’s mind gives us permission to write what we don’t know and to write what has never been written before. It is a healthy, open approach to writing from your heart and putting the critical voices aside. You know that nagging little voice. It perches on the shoulder of the writer—we call it “the inner critic.” It says things like, “Your life is so boring, you don’t remember things very well, you can’t really write, who do you think you are?” or even more dire pronouncements, such as “You’re wrong, that’s not the way it was. You’re not telling the truth. You don’t even understand what happened.”
Taming the inner critic is one of the tools you’ll need to keep writing your memoir, and in Step Five we’ll talk more about how to do that.
Then there is the outer critic. If you have told your family you are writing a memoir, they may have already expressed their concerns. I have met people whose family members have expressly forbidden them to write a memoir!
The voices of the outer critics and the inner critic can conspire to shut down your writing, especially since you are writing nonfiction. Novelists and fiction writers can hide behind what I call “the fictional wall.” They can deny many things that readers might take as truth in the novel, but when you write a memoir, you make a contract with the reader that what you are presenting is the truth, as well as you can tell it. This means that you are writing your most complete version of true events and feelings, even to the point of conducting research to explore various levels of truth.
As long as you don’t exaggerate, and if you hold to an ethic of writing your truth the best you can, you won’t need to worry about the memoir police coming to get you or humiliate you in public, and your publisher will advise you about any legal issues. It is important to create a safe, sacred space around yourself as you write because your creative efforts must be protected. If you fear retribution or attack, your creativity will tuck its tail between its legs and disappear.
How to Keep Writing
Some of us started writing in diaries or journals as children. Then, as now, we poured out our most private thoughts and feelings there. You might have been lucky enough to have a secret place where you could hide your diary away from prying eyes. Or, perhaps you had no privacy, or your family believed that putting feelings or thoughts into words was dangerous or threatening.
When I was thirteen I received a diary with a little key, but I knew the key would not protect me. I found that diary recently, and I had to translate the words—jottings about events—into what my real truths were. I had to keep my real thoughts and feelings secret even in my diary, because my ever-intrusive grandmother would have too much of me if she read it—and I knew she would. I knew early on that the written word could cause lots of problems.
Keeping a journal is an excellent way to let off steam and explore your thoughts, feelings, and memories. There, you write for yourself with no need for structure or even to make sense. You don’t need to explain what you mean or describe people’s appearances—you already see them in your mind’s eye. You don’t need to be fair either; you can rant and rave and no one cares. You are free to explore without fear of being censored or criticized. Your journal is a kind of self-therapy with an always available listener.
Kathleen Adams, director of the Center for Journal Therapy in Lakewood, Colorado, has written several excellent books about the process of healing through journal writing and has created structured processes for a safe and measured way to enter potentially painful material. Through her programs, Adams teaches writers how to use journaling as a kind of self-therapy and therapists how to incorporate journaling as a tool in the therapy process.
Freewriting
Another way to go deeply into what you think and feel without censoring is called “freewriting,” where the pen does not come off the page for fifteen or twenty minutes.
In Becoming a Writer, Dorothea Brande says that “to have the full benefit of the richness of the unconscious, you must learn to write easily and smoothly when the unconscious is in the ascendant.”
She suggests that you should write the minute you wake up, as does Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way, but you can write any time of the day or night. Just follow the basic rule: keep writing for fifteen to twenty minutes without stopping. Then if you’re up for it, do it again for another fifteen to twenty minutes, committing to whatever comes out.
You can write, “I don’t know what to say, this is a stupid exercise, my family will be angry, I want to get up and have some coffee.” It doesn’t matter what you write, only that you push forward with the pen on the page. It is best to use handwriting for this exercise.
To craft a memoir means wrestling with the nature of truth and the muscles of story structure. It means that you travel back in time and come back with treasures of memory that must be strung together like beads on a string. A memoir has the power to reveal deep secrets and to expose long-buried thoughts, feelings, and events to the light of day. Writing a memoir is to whisper your secret truths into the ear of the reader. Writing your truth is freeing, as you let go of the burden of deeply hidden secrets, and let them come to the surface.
Dr. James Pennebaker, a psychologist who conducts research on the healing power of story writing, says this: “A story is a form of knowledge.” Story is a means of teaching us more about ourselves. Writing a memoir means that you are diving into the shimmering pool of memories and coming up with something that can be shaped into a story, and in doing so you will learn more than you could have imagined. No matter how challenged you may feel about writing a long work such as a memoir, if you enter the adventure of writing with an open mind and heart, and dedicate yourself to a path of learning and deeper knowledge, you will be rewarded with emotional understanding, and even healing and forgiveness.
The only journey is the one within.
—Rilke
The best way out is always through.
—Robert Frost
Remembering
As you begin your memoir, you will need to create space for writing in your life, a time and a place where you can nurture your spark of desire into a roaring blaze. As you write, think of yourself as a listener and a translator. Focus inward and hear the stories that whisper to you in a low key; tune in to your desire to capture your grandmothers’ history, your mother’s face, or your father’s character. Try to see the roses on the fence or the dog that saved your life. Remember the scent of baking cookies or the roar of a river. As you remember and write, the essence of your story and who you are will be revealed to you. What is necessary is to show up to the blank page with openness and a willingness to commit yourself to write the stories that make you feel alive, that stir your imagination and make you say, “I just HAVE to write that story.”
You will be amazed at the process, even transformed.
Writing Exercises
• Name ten reasons why you want to write a memoir.
• List the family members who might discourage you from writing. Then write why you want to develop your memoir anyway.
• Write about how your journal has helped you in your life.
• If you want to use writing to heal or to create change, describe what you want to change. Be specific.
• Make a list of six inner critic voices.
• List five family stories that piqued your interest as a child.
Who told them, and where were you when you heard them?
What especially drew you to the stories?
• Did you write as a child? What did you write about? Talk about your early writing life and whether you kept up with it or let it fall by the wayside.
• What teachers inspired you or discouraged you in your writing life in the past?
• List ten significant events in your life.
• As you begin to enter the world of memoir writing, spend some time each day with your memories. Close your eyes and bring yourself back to the time and place where you are a smaller, younger version of yourself. Remember the smells, the sights, and sounds, and enter the movie of your life. These moments serve to fill your imagination with images, and guide you toward the deep, inner, personal research that will fill your pages with remembrances.
Next, we turn to all the ways you can bring your past into the present and create a foundation where you can build the structure of your memoir.
STEP 2
Doing Your Research
Every man is a quotation from all his ancestors.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
Writing a memoir should begin with doing our homework, researching the elements of our story. Writing a memoir is like entering a dream of past memories and simultaneously doing an archaeological dig. Sifting through layers of time and history, you find buried rooms, shards of lost artifacts, and surprising treasures. Sometimes you find buried skeletons too! The nature of your dig will be unique, depending in part on the kind of story you are writing.