The Power of Nice E-Book

Ronald M. Shapiro

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Beschreibung

Learn to get what you want without burning bridges

In this revised and updated edition of the renowned classic The Power of Nice, negotiations expert, sports agent, New York Times bestselling author, attorney, business leader and educator, Ron Shapiro, shares the key principles of effective negotiation through a combination of a time-tested process, anecdotes, and exercises. Drawing on his unparalleled experiences from the worlds of sports, law, business and politics, as well as dealing with life issues common to us all, Shapiro takes you through the steps of his systematic approach: The Three Ps, Prepare-Probe-Propose.

Learn how to use the process to empower you in negotiations. Regardless of your level of experience or the extent of your confidence, you will get what you want while building stronger relationships for the future. This updated edition contains:

• Significant new material including an expanded view of its applicability to a broad array of business and life challenges
• a new streamlined version of the Preparation Checklist
• a more precise understanding of the concept of WIN-win
• forewords by Cal Ripken, Jr., and Ambassador Charlene Barshefsky, and an Epilogue highlighting negotiation lessons from the life of Nelson Mandela

The book also provides a link to reinforcement of its lessons through the website of the Shapiro Negotiations Institute.

Whether you are negotiating with, among others, a customer or client, a boss or government official, or even setting a teenager's curfew or getting a last seat on an airplane, this invaluable guide will help you read the other side and bring the power of human psychology and a time-tested process to the negotiating table. If you're tired of uneven "compromise" and the feeling of being manipulated, turn the tables for good with The Power of Nice, and learn strength from the master himself.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Praise for The Power of Nice, Revised and Updated

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Foreword to the Revised Edition: You Can Be Nice, and Purposeful

Foreword to the First Edition: Can You Say “Agent” and “Nice” in the Same Sentence?

Acknowledgments

Introduction: Why Change What Works?

Chapter 1: Negotiation

“I'll Burn That Bridge When I Come to It”

Your First Deal

What Negotiation Isn't

Filling the Negotiator's Toolbox

What Negotiation Is

What Negotiation Can Be

Refresher

Chapter 2: I Win–You Lose Negotiation—An Exercise in Flawed Logic

Enemies and Entrenched Positions

Hit and Run

I'm Not One of Them, Am I?

At Least One Dissatisfied Party

Refresher

Chapter 3: WIN–win Negotiation

Myth and Reality

Achieving WIN–win

Good Deals Echo, They Lead to More Deals

WIN–win Is Not Wimp–Wimp

Roadblocks, Minefields, and Wisdom

Putting It Together

Refresher

Chapter 4: The Three Ps: A Systematic Approach

Prepare, Probe, and Propose

Refresher

Chapter 5: Prepare…or Else

Preparation: The Aerobics of Negotiation

How Prepared Are You for Your Negotiations?

The Numbers and Letters Game

The Numbers and Letters Game Continued…

How to Prepare (and How Not To)

The Preparation Checklist

A Case Study: The

Sur-Real

Sales Challenge

Confidence Is the Secret Weapon (But the Real Secret Is That Preparation Is the Key to Confidence)

Sources of Information

Refresher

Chapter 6: Probe, Probe, Probe

The Other Side Is Trying to Tell You How to Make the Deal

W.H.A.T.? The Probing Technique

The Don'ts—How Not to Probe

Listening

The Zoologist

Learning to Listen

Refresher

Chapter 7: Propose–But Not Too Fast: Getting the Other Side to Go First

Role Playing

Proposing for Real

The Three Rules Behind Propose

Making Counterproposals

Refresher

Chapter 8: Difficult Negotiators

…And the Award for Most Difficult Negotiator Goes To …

Dealing with the Difficult Negotiator (Without Becoming One)

Emotional Tactics—Nonemotional Responses

Challenging Personalities

Refresher

Chapter 9: Negotiating from Weakness

Perceived Weakness versus Real Weakness

Expand the Goals

Locate Allies

Never Let Them See You Sweat

Brainstorming

Refresher

Chapter 10: Unlocking Deadlocks

If Nothing Works, Change Something

Find Reasons to Agree

Get Creative

Objective Mechanisms

Sometimes No Deal Is the Best Deal

If Deal Fever Persists, Keep Saying “No”

Refresher

Chapter 11: Building Relationships

Today versus Tomorrow: How Long Is the Long Run?

A Relationship Tool: Bonding

The Meet-and-Bond Style

Rebonding

No Faux Bonding

Practice Makes Bonding

The Value of Relationships

Refresher

Chapter 12: Putting It All Together

The Major League Baseball Owners versus the Major League Umpires (and the Major League Umpires versus Themselves)

Refresher

Epilogue. : Nelson Mandela—When the Power of Nice Changed a Nation

Reinforcement Tools Link

For More Information

Post-Negotiation Assessment Questionnaire

Negotiator's Toolbox

Index

End User License Agreement

Pages

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

41

42

43

44

45

47

48

49

50

51

52

53

54

55

56

57

58

59

60

61

62

63

64

65

67

68

69

70

71

72

73

74

75

76

77

78

79

81

82

83

84

85

86

87

88

89

90

91

92

93

94

95

96

97

98

99

100

101

102

103

104

105

106

107

108

109

110

111

113

114

115

116

117

118

119

120

121

122

123

124

125

126

127

128

129

130

131

132

133

134

135

136

137

138

139

141

142

143

144

145

146

147

148

149

150

151

152

153

154

155

156

157

158

159

161

162

163

164

165

166

167

168

169

170

171

172

173

174

175

176

177

179

180

181

182

183

184

185

186

187

188

189

190

191

192

193

195

196

197

198

199

200

201

202

203

204

205

206

207

208

209

210

211

212

213

214

215

216

217

220

221

222

223

224

225

226

227

228

229

230

231

232

233

234

235

237

238

239

240

241

242

243

244

245

257

258

259

260

261

262

263

264

265

Guide

Cover

Table of Contents

Foreword to the Revised Edition: You Can Be Nice, and Purposeful

Introduction

Begin Reading

Praise for The Power of Nice, Revised and Updated

“Shapiro eschews the academic ‘win–win’ style for the more practical ‘WIN–win’ approach which enables proficient negotiators to achieve beneficial results for themselves while simultaneously satisfying the basic interests of the persons on the other side. This is especially critical when on-going relationships are involved.”

—Charles B. Craver, Author of The Art of Negotiation in the Business World, Freda H. Alverson Professor of Law, George Washington Law School

“The Power of Nice offers essential tools that empower every negotiator. Shapiro's systematic approach to negotiations is easy-to-follow with classic and updated case studies throughout the book.”

—Melanie Allison, DNP, RN, ACNP-BC, Vanderbilt University School of Nursing Faculty

“In The Power of Nice, the elusive elements of the ‘art of negotiation’ are broken down and explained to all in a concise, practical, and lively manner. Ron's sharing his career of negotiating makes us all better.”

—Randy Levine President, New York Yankees Of Counsel, Jackson Lewis P.C.

“This book, and the principles espoused within it, have helped me in innumerable ‘difficult’ conversations and discussions with faculty. The book has guided me towards being able to say either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in a way that strengthens the professional relationship, underscores the person's value to the organization, and serves as a foundation for their career growth. Ron convincingly demonstrates how the essential elements of preparation, engagement, and personalization….and truly listening…are to getting to a mutual ‘win.’ His concepts move the negotiation from a one-time battle for supremacy, to a long-term conversation and a platform for collaboration and success.”

—Justin C. McArthur, MBBS, MPH, FAAN, Director, Department of Neurology, Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine; Neurologist-in-chief, the Johns Hopkins Hospital; Chair, School of Medicine Professorial Promotions Committee

“I have religiously used Ron's systematic approach for over two decades, and after reading this revised edition, I am not surprised to discover that even I can take my negotiation skills to a higher level.”

—Steve Mosko, President, Sony Pictures Television

“Ron goes beyond the practicalities of negotiating and shows how his philosophy of building strong relationships and paying attention to detail has an enormous impact on being successful—and not just in business.”

—Irina Pavlova, President, Onexim Sports and Entertainment Holding USA, Inc.

“The new tools and stories in this updated edition of The Power of Nice demonstrate that Ron perfects his craft by practicing what he preaches. Anyone seeking to become a better negotiator should read this book!”

—Eduardo DeJesus Rodriguez, MD, DDS, Helen L. Kimmel Professor of Reconstructive Plastic Surgery, Department of Plastic Surgery (Chair), NYU Langone Medical Center

The Power of Nice

How to Negotiate So Everyone Wins — Especially You!

REVISED AND UPDATED

Ronald M. Shapiro with JAMES DALE

Cover design: Wiley

Copyright © 2015 by Shapiro Negotiations Institute. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.

Published simultaneously in Canada.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, [phone], fax [phone], or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, [phone], fax [phone], or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with the respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for damages arising herefrom.

For general information about our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at [phone], outside the United States at [phone], or fax [phone].

Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com.

ISBN 978-1-118-96962-5 (cloth);

ISBN 978-1-118-96963-2 (ebk);

ISBN 978-1-118-96966-3 (ebk)

To four generations of family:

My father, who was the exemplar in my life for the power of nice, and my mother, for always being there to support my endeavors with her love;

My darling wife, Cathi, for her guidance, wisdom, and love;

And my children and grandchildren, who never let a day pass without reminding me of the importance of living with the Power of Nice.

Foreword to the Revised EditionYou Can Be Nice, and Purposeful

By Ambassador Charlene Barshefsky

When I was Bill Clinton's chief trade negotiator, the United States Trade Representative, we negotiated over 300 market-opening trade and investment agreements across the globe. And as a private practitioner, I've negotiated countless agreements for both U.S. and foreign clients. Over the years, Ron Shapiro and I would always compare notes. His were more valuable.

I have been a Shapiro disciple for a very long time. The Power of Nice reminds us that negotiations are as much psychology and human interaction as substance and deal points. Understanding the other side's needs, concerns, and limitations, watching carefully, listening actively, and being agile enough to act as problem solver for both sides, is easily as critical as preparing your own substantive position and game plan. The goal is to bring home a great deal—a durable deal—for your clients or your business, not no deal because you couldn't get along with the other side. And it is not making a deal that looks good on paper but will never be implemented because you played “gotcha” once too often. Parents are often fond of reminding their kids that “what goes around comes around.” Good advice. “Purposeful” and “nice” can and ought to coexist. Ron's very success is a testament to that.

The lessons contained in The Power of Nice, whether big or small, are invaluable. Take, for example, one of Ron's tactical tips on the pitfalls of restating your position. One of my earliest negotiations with the Japanese concerned telecommunications infrastructure. I explained the U.S. position, my Japanese counterparts listened intently, and were…silent. Thinking that they did not fully understand our concerns, I slowly repeated what I had said. They listened carefully, more time went by…and again, silence. I was just about to give it a third try, when a young staffer passed me a note of four words: “Ambassador Barshefsky—Stop talking.” Why? Because Ron is right. Almost nothing is ever said precisely the same way twice, let alone three times. In fact, as The Power of Nice predicted, I had unintentionally altered my pitch, and telegraphed to the Japanese negotiators valuable clues as to my real position. The upshot? I never gave the third iteration, and waited, silently. After about 15 minutes of uncharacteristic American quiet, they began to talk—a lot. We got back on track, and I never made the same mistake again.

Or take Ron's points about forming relationships and not letting emotion overwhelm the talks. I was negotiating an intellectual property agreement with the Chinese, which went on for months on end, but during which my counterparts and I developed a very good relationship. The talks were sometimes tense or acrimonious, but never personal.

Late one night, the Chinese negotiator became highly agitated. I knew that he was under considerable pressure to conclude the talks without further movement on the Chinese side. In an uncharacteristic display, he lunged across the table (fortunately, it was a wide table and he was not particularly tall), and said, “That's it. No more. We are done.” I could have yelled, “No we aren't,” but I didn't. I knew that if I took the bait, we would be done, and I still had one final bit of ground to cover. So I weighed how best to defuse the situation, continue the negotiation for that last little bit, and not do anything that would result in the loss of face for my counterpart. I replied, calmly, “Mr. Minister. I am so sorry, but apparently, there has been a miscommunication. We are both tired. Let me suggest that we adjourn for the evening and resume early in the morning.” With that, I stood, left the room, and returned the next day with essentially the same proposal. After a brief discussion, the deal was done.

Then there is the situation where your counterpart agrees to something that is too good to be true, and where Ron rightly counsels, no deal may be the best option. This almost happened in the case of a large trade agreement with Vietnam—principally because we did not fully appreciate their priorities (another Ron “must do”).

By the early 2000s, the United States and Vietnam had yet to fully normalize relations, despite the decades earlier end to the Vietnam War. Our proposed trade agreement had a twofold purpose: to slowly reform and open the Vietnamese market, and to serve as the last step in the normalization process—something both sides sought.

One day, after months of negotiation, my lead staffer called me from Hanoi so excited he could barely speak. “Today…well….it's incredible. We are nearly done. What should I do?” This astonished me, because there is no way on earth the negotiation was nearly done. As we talked further, it became clear that the other side had simply decided to accept whatever we put forward. That would lead to an agreement that was never going to be fully implemented. I stopped the negotiation, called our team back, and invited the Minister from Vietnam to Washington. It was better to have no deal than to make a deal that wasn't good or wouldn't work.

Then I employed another Ron-ism: Preparation. Or, in this case, further preparation. We had prepared thoroughly for our negotiations in Vietnam. But as Ron teaches, preparation is not an end; it is an ongoing process, changing as the deal, the players, or the circumstances change. So we prepped again for the Minister's visit, analyzing his likely position, his needs and wants—empathizing, and determining our own true priorities, where we could give and where we could not.

When he arrived, we were ready for a heart-to-heart. As our preparation had indicated, for Vietnam, normalization was the overarching goal. For the United States, normalization was important, but so, too, was a strong, realistic agreement that could and would be implemented. So we simplified a number of our proposals, and revamped the agreement by phasing in various reforms over time. The United States and Vietnam normalized relations, and the agreement was fully implemented. No deal led to a better deal.

I could give countless additional examples of putting The Power of Nice to work—both as a systematic approach and an ethos. I was once told that as a negotiator I am tough, but reasonable, and funny—“purposeful” and “nice.” This is, I am convinced, the best and most effective combination of winning, both in the short term and long. The proof is in The Power of Nice.

Foreword to the First Edition:Can You Say “Agent” and “Nice” in the Same Sentence?

By Cal Ripken, Jr.

Some people believe that successful professional athletes are prima donnas, and are only interested in how much money they can make. People may also think agents are aggressive, bloodthirsty sharks, who will promise anything to cut a deal. These stereotypes may be true in some cases but I hope my career proves there are exceptions. I know Ron Shapiro disproves this theory in his profession.

Just because you practice The Power of Nice, you listen to the other side, and everybody comes out a winner doesn't mean you're not a good negotiator. In fact, it shows that it is a more involved negotiation, and both sides end up getting what they want—a whole lot more. Ron Shapiro finds out how both parties can come out with a win. He is a real life example of a successful win–win negotiator.

When I first met Ron, I was about 18 or 19 years old. I was an up-and-coming baseball player and a lot of agents were interested in representing me. They wooed me pretty hard, trying to persuade me that they or their agency would represent me the best and the most aggressively, get me to the big leagues faster, get me a more lucrative contract, handle my money better, and get me more endorsements.

These agents had all kinds of not-too-subtle ways of convincing a player they were the best. Some of them would arrive in stretch limousines to take you out to dinner at the finest, fanciest restaurants: great big lobsters and New York strip steaks. They put the emphasis on glitz and glamour.

To tell the truth, I enjoyed it. After all, there were a lot of agents out there, there were a lot of good restaurants, and I like lobster and steak. I would graciously accept the agents' invitations, go out, eat dinner, and listen. I referred to it as “the agent game.”

One day, Mr. Shapiro called. Okay, I admit it, I'd heard of him and I called him. But he did call me right back. I now know his name is pronounced “Shap-eye-ro” but I called him Mr. “Shap-ear-o” and he called me “Carl.” My parents and I made an appointment to hear his presentation so I could determine if I wanted him to represent me.

Right away, it was obvious that he was different from all the other agents. He said, “Let's meet at my office.” So I thought, “This is okay. He'll show me his office and it's probably really posh, rich leather sofas, mahogany paneling, marble floors. Then he'll buzz for his driver and we'll go out to the fancy restaurant.”

I arrived at his office and he introduced me to his staff. We talked baseball and what his approach would be for me. In some ways, it was similar to what others had said, but in a different atmosphere. The office wasn't posh. It was, what's the word—plain; no leather, no paneling, no marble. Eventually, it was lunchtime, and I was getting hungry, and I was anticipating that expensive restaurant. Ron had tuna sandwiches brought in and we ate at the conference table (which was oak, not mahogany).

In the end I chose Ron Shapiro. Why? Maybe it was everything he didn't do that told me how he'd act on my behalf. Maybe it was not living up to the myths of his profession but clearly being successful. Maybe it was that he asked me what I wanted and needed and actually listened to me instead of telling me what he was going to do. Maybe it was trust.

Or maybe I just guessed right. Now, after many seasons and All-Star games and contracts, and now a business career, I think I made the smartest decision any 18-year-old could make.

Over the years, I've seen every kind of dealmaker there is. I'll take Ron's kind every time. You can get what you want and you can live with yourself. Instead of making one-time deals, you make deals that lead to more deals. You build relationships. And, make no mistake, you'll outnegotiate the other side.

While I've enjoyed a record-setting streak of consecutive games played, Ron is on a streak of his own. I've seen him use his Power of Nice for over 30 years. My career, and those of many others in the worlds of sports and business, are testimony to its impact. The stories and lessons he tells in this book really work in real life, whether it be in everyday business deals or the hard-nosed negotiations of the big leagues.

Acknowledgments

I am grateful to Mark Jankowski for his significant contributions to the earlier editions of this book, and also for his work at the Shapiro Negotiations Institute during his years as my partner. I will always appreciate the opportunity I had to work with him in developing The Power of Nice. And thanks to Jim Dale for his valuable assistance in making this revised edition better than it would have been without him.

Thanks also go to the extraordinarily committed people who work at the Institute, including those who made special contributions to this revision: Todd Lenhart, Michael Blackstone, and Jeff Cochran. My friend and counsel, Michael Maas, our intern, Matt Legg, and my executive assistant, Kim Talbott, eased the burden of accomplishing the task through an array of contributions made by each of them. Andres Lares's and Samer Jassar's technology skills helped make the end product more contemporary.

I appreciate the efforts of my editor, Shannon Vargo, whose gentle guidance and belief in this revision inspired its publication. I also want to thank members of Shannon's team, Elizabeth Gildea and Deborah Schindlar, and my agent, Joe Spieler, for their support.

The editorial advice of Joann Davis and the legal guidance of Arthur Levine were given out of friendship and were crucial to bringing about the end product.

IntroductionWhy Change What Works?

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.

—Harry S. Truman

After you write a book about negotiation, and it turns out that, yes, it works in the real world—enables people to get what they want more often, facilitates deals and partnerships, ends stalemates, heals wounds—why change it at all, why rewrite it, why update it? Because Harry Truman was right. Because in practicing what I preach, in teaching, in one after another real-life experiences, my approach evolved, was refined, got better, and became even more effective.

“

Ron, can you help the new head of the Department of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins negotiate the terms of his deal? He knows everything about the human mind but could use some help to change minds in this situation

.”

“

Mr. Shapiro, you don't know me but I am a freelance web designer who feels I have been subjected to a fee–double standard compared to male counterparts. I'd like to raise my hourly rate…

.”

“

I've been named sales manager for the Network and I want to hone my skills at selling our sponsors and not discounting our rates

.”

“

I'm a Deputy Fire Chief for Baltimore City and I have to make the case for the firehouse renovation program to a bunch of high-powered business leaders and I'm intimidated… What do I do?

”

“

Ron, we have the opportunity to join the Big Ten. Can you help us negotiate our way in?

”

“

Pops, I have a problem with a friend and Mom said, ‘talk to your grandfather.’

”

In responding to these situations and countless others, I practiced and imparted the Power of Nice. But in each case the Power of Nice evolved, the tools were sharpened, the outcomes enhanced. Moreover, whether because of feelings of inferiority due to gender, age, culture, or experience, people who found themselves disadvantaged in negotiations, who felt they lacked power, utilized our systematic approach and became empowered. And, amazingly enough, there were successful negotiators who gained a whole new sense of empowerment by being systematic.

And in the course of those negotiations, and reflecting afterward, I continued to learn, and this book now reflects that learning. For example, the concept of WIN–win, or Big Win–Little win, is modified to “maximizing your win”—you get the maximum you can achieve at the time, but the other side doesn't leave the table in defeat.

What used to be the Preparation Planner is now the Preparation Checklist. It's a more streamlined, two-step system—Information Gathering Steps and Action Planning Steps—that facilitate the preparation process. Additionally within the Checklist, items such as the importance of knowing your bottom line, or, as described in the Checklist, your Walkaway, receive new emphasis. Also, the practice of Scripting has emerged to be so important to negotiation, with so much influence over outcomes, that it is now a step unto itself.

In this new version of the book, you will find some older stories updated, some older ideas modified, and some brand new stories and anecdotes that illustrate and teach today's Power of Nice. The systematic approach has evolved and, in total, is even more effective in more situations, more challenges, in more aspects of business and life. You will see the system at work. Most of all, you will find more than power; you will find empowerment. And nothing is nicer.

“We're going to try to negotiate first.”

Dana Fradon © 1992 from The New Yorker Collection. All Rights Reserved.

Chapter 1Negotiation

Let us never fear to negotiate. But let us never negotiate out of fear.

—John F. Kennedy

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

—Madame Marie Curie

“I'll Burn That Bridge When I Come to It”

Early in my career, I had a law partner who loved his work. He was smart. He knew the law. He always had his clients' best interests at heart. And he liked nothing better than the challenge of negotiation. He had no fear of the other side. In fact, he relished confrontation. He paced outside a conference room like a blitzing linebacker. He had that same hungry look in his eyes, pacing and revving himself up for the kill. He couldn't wait to charge in and nail the quarterback (or the other lawyer) to the Astroturf (or the deal he was after). If a few bones were broken along the way, so be it…or so much the better.

He often got what he and his client wanted. But he only got it once. Nobody wanted or could afford to deal with him twice because he left nothing on the table. Winner take all. Why take a share of the profit when you can take all of it? Why have investors when you can have sole control? Why pay commissions? Why give concessions to a union when you can break the union? Why not squeeze all suppliers to rock bottom? Why not drive all offers up to the last dollar? Why negotiate when you can dictate?My partner literally destroyed the other side, and he reveled in it.

One day he strutted out of yet another of his “eat-the-opposition-for-lunch” meetings, fresh blood dripping from his teeth, having dismembered yet another adversary in the name of dealmaking. Instead of congratulating him, I asked him a question that took him by surprise. “What did the other side want?”

He looked at me with a combination of curiosity at my naiveté and astonishment at the irrelevance of the question. “I don't know, but they didn't get it,” he answered.

I persisted, “Maybe they could have gotten what they wanted and you could have gotten what you wanted. What would have been wrong with that?”

Then he sighed like a wise old tobacco-chewing veteran and laid it out for the rookie who just didn't understand how to play the game. “Don't you get it? We won.”

“Yeah,” I protested, “but what if, some time in the future, the tables turn and the other side gains the upper hand and then they're in a position to change the deal?”

That's when my wise old veteran partner put his arm around me, took a long, dramatic pause, and said, “I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.” That wasn't just his snappy comeback. He meant it. It was the embodiment of his negotiation philosophy.

That's the way a lot of people look at negotiation. Two S.O.B.s locked in a room trying to beat the daylights out of each other and may the biggest S.O.B. win. Even way back then, I thought there was a better way to make deals.

Over the years I practiced and perfected what made sense and worked for me: You can be “a nice guy” and still get what you're after. In fact, embracing the systematic approach of this book gives you the power and allows you to get better results, achieve more of your goals, and build longer-term relationships with even greater returns.

The Power of Nice Philosophy

The way to get what you want is to help the other side get what they want.

Your First Deal

What matters in negotiation is results. Everything else is decoration. To get results you must have parties who want to make a deal, each of whom has something to gain. Never forget, everyone who sits down at a negotiating table is there for one simple reason: They want something the other side has.

You picked up this book, so you must feel you have something to gain. As authors, we have already gained by making the book sale. So, have we won and you lost? Hardly. As you'll learn, we don't want a one-time deal; we want an ongoing relationship (your recommendation of our book to others, visiting our website, attending our programs, and buying our next print or digital book). You don't want a one-time deal, either. You want to learn to negotiate every deal well. Therefore, reader and authors have a common interest (another point I'll be making later) and that is to make you a better negotiator.

To achieve that end, we each have to make a commitment. Yours is to answer two questions with complete candor (even if it hurts). Ours is to deliver on four objectives that will make you an effective negotiator.

What negotiation have you handled recently that has not gone or is not going well? [Remember what I said about candor. Write out your answer and then show it to someone you can't fool (husband, wife, partner, friend, boss, client, mother)]

What would you like to be able to do differently after reading this book?

(Be realistic, but aim high.)

Write down your answers and save them. You're going to want to look back at them at the end of the book.

Robert Mankoff © 1988 from The New Yorker Collection. All Rights Reserved.

Four Objectives You Can Expect

Displaying Confidence.

The most effective negotiators tend to be the most confident negotiators. Conversely, negotiators who are less confident are less effective. So, how do you get confidence and become a better negotiator? Get smart.

Lack of confidence is mostly lack of knowledge. Knowledge is power. You will be armed with the knowledge it takes to deal from strength. You won't be cocky; you'll be confident. The former is imitating someone who knows what he's doing; the latter is the person who the cocky person is imitating.

Achieving WIN–win.

Today, everybody talks about win–win negotiation. Both sides win. Both get what they want. Both are equally happy. How delightful. How unrealistic.

If we negotiators were seeking truly equal terms and deals, like King Solomon, we'd simply divide everything in half. In reality, we're out to achieve all (or most) of our goals, to make our most desirable deal. But the best way to do so is to let the other side achieve some of their goals, to make their acceptable deal. That's WIN–win: maximize your win, but don't forget theirs.

The most common approach to dealmaking is I Win–You Lose, the pound-of-flesh school—the only good deal for me is a bad deal for you. The unfortunate fate of too many negotiations is:

We both lose

or

If I can't win, nobody can.

We'll show you how to avoid both of these negative categories.

Using the 3 Ps.

There's an old saying, “If all you have in your toolbox is a hammer, then every problem looks like a nail.” The same holds true for negotiation. More tools enable you to solve more problems. Better tools enable you to find longer lasting, more enriching solutions. Prepare, Probe, and Propose are the first of the tools that we'll put in your negotiator's toolbox.

There is no secret formula that will enable you to get what you want every time you negotiate. But we have created a systematic approach—a step-by-step program—that, if repeated and mastered, will maximize your results. Like all good systems, this one is simple:

Prepare, Probe, and Propose.

That's it. Close the book, you've learned it. Well, it's not quite that simple. We'll show you how to prepare better than the other side; how to probe so you know what they want and why; and how to propose without going first and revealing too much, to avoid impasses or getting backed into a corner, but still achieving what you want. As you'll see, negotiation is a process, not an event.

Handling Tough Negotiations.

Welcome to the real world of dealmaking. Unfortunately, it's full of tough negotiators and tough negotiations. Some people think you have to be a bad guy to be a good negotiator. So, they act the part. Some aren't really so awful but have to answer to an awful boss who demands that they act the part. Sometimes, the negotiation itself may be brutal. The time, terms, or goals may be so difficult to meet that the process turns loathsome, even if the person opposite you isn't.

The tools in your negotiator's toolbox will enable you to deal with the toughest people and situations, from neutralizing animosity, to breaking deadlocks, to knowing when the best deal is no deal. You'll learn how to out-negotiate the bad guys without becoming one of them.

One more thing: If you've been around sports long enough, you know the value of a good pep talk—whether it's Herb Brooks talking to the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team—the “miracle on ice,” Gene Hackman as the coach in Hoosiers, Babe Ruth talking to a sick kid in the hospital, or Pat O'Brien invoking the memory of the Gipper (Ronald Reagan in his second-most-famous role) in Knute Rockne, All American. It can make players play harder, forget their shortcomings, and literally change the fate of the game. This pep talk isn't just about getting your adrenaline going; it's about putting PEP into learning the lessons of negotiation.

PEP

Participate Be open to change. Read. Reread. Question.

Engage Throw yourself into this endeavor. Challenge yourself.

Personalize Relate what you learn to your career and your life.

If you read this book passively, you'll be cheating yourself. If you Participate, Engage, and Personalize you'll become a better negotiator, faster. Do the exercises in the book; ask others to help you practice; role play. Don't skip over parts you find difficult or unpleasant.

What I hear, I forget. What I read, I remember. What I do, I understand.

—Confucius

No, this isn't a normal textbook approach. But that's the point. To be more effective in negotiation, you have to stop using the same old “normal” approach. To harness the Power of Nice, you have to want change, accept change, and throw yourself into that change. The results will be worth it.

What Negotiation Isn't

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.

—Abigail Van Buren

Think of the word “negotiation.” Quick, what images come to mind? Conflict? Confrontation? Battle? War? Or maybe: Debate? Logic? Science?

These are common interpretations that have fueled the negative approach to negotiation and are dead wrong.

Contrary to the fictionalized, Hollywood-ized, and ripped-from-the-headlines versions of larger-than-life moguls and the big-bucks business world that, up to a point, never seem to lose, from the investment bankers in Barbarians at the Gate, to Gordon Gekko in Wall Street, to Lehman Brothers in Too Big to Fail, to Jordan Belfort in The Wolf of Wall Street—dealmaking shouldn't be a stare-down in a stud poker game, a shoot-out at the O.K. Corral, hand-to-hand combat, a high-tech military maneuver, or an all-out atomic war. Despite the macho, swaggering, in-your-face lingo—winner take all, out for blood, call their bluff, raise the stakes, battle-scarred, make 'em beg for mercy, first one to blink, an offer they can't refuse, nuke 'em, meltdown, go for the kill, last man standing—negotiation isn't about getting the other side to wave a flag and surrender. Negotiation is not war.

Despite all the clinical, logical, rational, psychological, data-sifting analysis, graphs, pie charts, methods, and techniques from MBAs, CPAs, CEOs, shrinks, mediators, mediums, gurus, and astrologers, negotiation is not a science.

The problem is that war stories tell well. Wars have heroes and enemies and simplistic lessons: Take no prisoners. To the victor belong the spoils. (But war, you may have noticed, can lead to more war.) And science sounds like a formula. If you do A, he'll do B, and you'll arrive at C. Maybe. Unless he does D and then what do you do?

Negotiation as war and negotiation as science have each contributed to the popularity of the negative image of dealmaking, one by perpetuating the myth that the biggest, toughest thug wins and the other by way of the equally erroneous proposition that the coldest, least human calculator prevails.

Cultural conditioning (magazines, TV, movies, best-selling books, infomercials) has reduced dealmaking to images of brutal combat—often making great entertainment on film but lousy negotiation in reality. Gordon Gekko, the classic tough-guy negotiator from the movie Wall Street, played business hardball and never seemed to lose. (This is the movies, not life.) You may recall one scene where Gekko showed an adversary how the game is played (or Hollywood's version, anyway). In the scene, the well-dressed and self-impressed Sir Larry Wildman tries to bully Gekko into selling his shares of stock cheap so Wildman can pull off a takeover deal. Gekko, of course, is too shrewd to succumb to Wildman's intimidation. Gekko's protègè, Bud Fox, watches and learns. It went something like this:

Wall Street*: INT. GEKKO DEN—NIGHT

Wildman

I'm announcing a tender offer at 65 tomorrow. I'm expecting your commitment.

Gekko

Showdowns bore me, Larry. Nobody wins. You can have the company. In fact, it's gonna be fun watching you and your giant ego try to make a horserace of it… (turns to Bud) Buddy, what's a fair price for that stock?

Bud

The breakup value is higher. It's worth 80.

Gekko

Well, we don't want to be greedy, so what do you say to 72?

Wildman

You're a two-bit pirate and green-mailer, nothing more, Gekko. Not only would you sell your mother to make a deal, you'd send her COD.

Gekko

My mail is the same color as yours is, pal. Or at least it was until the Queen started calling you “Sir.” Now, you'll excuse me, all right, before I just lose my temper.

Wildman

…71.

Gekko

Well now, considering you brought my mother into it, 71.50.

Wildman

Done. You'll hear from my lawyers tomorrow. Eight a.m. Good night.

Gekko

Well, he's right. I had to sell. The key to the game is your capital reserves. You don't have enough, you can't piss in the tall weeds with the big dogs.

Bud

“All warfare is based on deception…” Sun Tzu. “If your enemy is superior, evade him. If angry, irritate him. If equally matched, fight. And if not, split… reevaluate.”

Gekko

Hey, hey, hey, he's learnin', huh? Buddy's learnin'.

*Excerpt from Wall Street ©1987 Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox. Written by Stanley Weisner & Oliver Stone. All rights reserved.

The Hollywood version of dealmaking makes good entertainment; it just doesn't make for good deals. The person on the other side of the table doesn't have to stick to the script.

Now, think of the word “negotiation” again. In order to practice the Power of Nice, start by wiping out everything you knew, thought, or felt about negotiation. Forget about winners and losers. Forget about verdicts. Forget about survivors and victims. Forget about keeping score. Forget about statistics. Forget about science. Forget about war.

Going into negotiation and counting on scientific results is like betting on the weather. If the forecast calls for a 20 percent chance of rain and you leave your umbrella home and it rains, you won't get 20 percent wet; you'll get soaked.

If you go into negotiation expecting war, bring a flak jacket. If you're armed for combat, the other side will be, too. If you have to win at all costs, so do they. Both sides attack, both sustain casualties. Neither side gives in, neither side gets what they want.

Negotiating a Phone Call

Imagine your car has broken down. You need to make a phone call for help and you have no cell phone. In the distance, you see a phone booth. You run to the booth but see there's a gentleman talking on the phone. How do you negotiate the man out of the booth? Do you wait patiently? Do you tap on the glass? How long is long enough to wait? Do you reach in and drag the man out?

Okay, change the facts. You had a car accident and your friend is near death in the passenger seat. You have to call 911. Now how do you negotiate? Do you wait patiently? Bang on the door? Throw the man out?

Change the facts again. You still have to call 911, but the man in the booth is Hannibal the Cannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs. Do you ask politely? Do you try to throw him out? Do you invite him to have dinner with your friend? Do you run for your life? As situations change, negotiation strategies must change. Negotiation isn't a science—there's no laboratory-proven answer. And negotiation isn't war—you don't attack Hannibal the Cannibal. Negotiation is a human interaction; it must be adapted and modified to fit the situation.

I Win–You Lose Becomes We Lose

Remember, if one party destroys the other, there's no one left to carry out the agreement. (Exacting exorbitant rents, punitive penalty clauses, or unrealistic noncompete terms often defeat their own purposes by creating disincentives; in other words, deals that are so good, they're bad.) The negotiation doesn't end when the contract is signed. If the other side is crippled by the deal, they will have every incentive to break the terms, literally having nothing to lose. You just made your first and last deal, instead of the first of many in a long-lasting relationship.

Nothing proves the point like history.

The Last Day of World War I was the First Day of World War II

It was 1919 and the Allies had defeated Germany. The story goes that the Allied representatives sat the vanquished German leaders down in a railroad car outside of Compiegne, France, to dictate the settlement that would eventually become the Treaty of Versailles. “Dictate” was the appropriate word. President Wilson had warned the Germans that the terms of armistice would be harsh—and they were.

German troops had to withdraw to a line six miles east of the Rhine River. Allied troops would occupy the evacuated territory. The German naval fleet was surrendered. Virtually all military supplies were given up to the Allies, including 5,000 cannon, 25,000 machine guns, 5,000 locomotives, and 150,000 railroad cars.

But the toughest demands were political and economic. Germany was ordered to pay huge reparations to the Allies in the form of cash and the removal of German assets and capital goods. France, which had been devastated by the German forces, regained Alsace-Lorraine and took over several German colonies. France was also given a 15-year lease on the Saar coal mines which, along with Lorraine, provided coal, iron, and potash to the development of heavy industry.

With a crippled postwar economy, it was soon clear that Germany could not sustain the burden of the payments. In 1923, the Dawes Plan was conceived to create a payment plan that Germany could meet. As a result of German reparation defaults, Belgium and France occupied the Ruhr district. By 1928, with Germany further behind, the Young Plan was a second effort to collect payments. Again, Germany was unable to pay. President Hoover called for a moratorium on reparations (and the United States forgave all debts from other Allied countries that were going to be repaid with monies they were to have received from Germany).

The Allies had won, Germany had lost. It was a classic I Win–You Lose negotiation. The Allies got to set all the terms. But the terms were unrealistic. They made a deal that could not be carried out. Instead of creating peace, they created further resentment. The loss of the Ruhr, the devastation of the German economy, the sacrifice of natural resources, all contributed to a latent, seething desire for revenge. Many historians feel that it was the ideal atmosphere for the rise of Adolph Hitler.

The deal that ended World War I, in effect, helped start World War II. In fact, when the Nazis invaded France, Hitler ordered that same railroad car, then housed in a museum, be the site where he would “dictate” the terms of the German occupation of France. I Win–You Lose became We Lose.

I Win–You Loseand its negative consequences seem obvious when the stakes are high and you have the historical benefit of hindsight. But the principle applies to even the simplest deal. In our seminars, we often begin with this game. You can try it yourself.

The $10 Game

Take 10 one-dollar bills. Find two people—two partners, husband and wife, people in your office, your kids. Tell them, “If you two can negotiate a deal in 30 seconds on how to divide the $10 between you, you can have the money. But there are three rules:

You can't split it, $5 and $5.

You can't say $7 and $3 or $6 and $4 and make a side deal to adjust the division later.

If you don't make a deal in 30 seconds, I take all $10 back.”

Chances are, both parties will have a hard time resisting the urge to “win” and not “lose.”

You'll hear the hard sell:

It's better for one of us to get it than neither of us so let's make it me.

I agree: As long as the one is me.

The soft sell:

Oh, gosh, whatever you think is fair.

Golly, how about $7 for me and, say, $3 for you?

No way!

The sympathy ploy:

I need the $10. I just ran out of gas.