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Show up real. Find the one who sees you. In the noisy world of online dating, it's easy to lose yourself — or worse, to present a polished version that hides your truth. But love built on performance never lasts. The Real Deal of Digital Dating is a raw, clear-eyed guide for anyone who's done pretending and ready to date with depth, clarity, and self-respect. Written by a coach, couple's therapist, and funeral speaker with a sharp eye for what matters in love and in life, this book invites you to: ✅ radically own your story — without filters or facades ✅ write a dating profile that speaks from the soul ✅ attract someone who wants all of you, not just the highlights Through reflective prompts, practical tips, and a dose of gentle provocation, you'll walk away with more than a good profile — you'll have a deeper relationship with yourself. This is not another swipe-strategy guide. It's a call to honesty. To courage. And to real connection in a digital world.
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The
REAL
DEAL
OF DIGITAL DATING
How to Attract True Love by Being Unapologetically Honest and Deeply You
by Daniela Dietz
Imprint / Copyright Information
Title: The Real Deal. How to Attract True Love by Being Unapologetically Honest and Deeply You
Author: Daniela Dietz
Publisher: Daniela Dietz, independently published
Publisher Address: Frankfurt, Germany
Copyright ©2025 by Daniela Dietz
Cover design © Nouman Sarwar, SUN Ideas!
Rights licensed to the author
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission of the publisher.
For D., who helped form the person I’ve become and filled my life with many happy years.
And for M., my safe harbor and my companion in growth.
Introduction
“I’ve honestly tried everything on the internet – it’s nothing but idiots out there.” – “What? Online? No way, I want to find my soulmate in real life. People only lie on the internet.”
You’re right – the internet is a playground for vanity and fantasy identities. And yet, it’s up to you to show up there authentically, so you can attract an authentic match. In this book, I’ll show you how. Tested and proven – with many of my clients and on myself!
The online world is an excellent place for finding a partner. Gone are the days when you’d react sheepishly to the question “So, how did you two meet?” if the answer was “online.” What nonsense, right? I mean, what are the odds of running into Mr. or Mrs. Perfect in real life? Minimal!
The perfect match looks different for everyone. We all have more or less specific ideas of what a happy relationship is – and those ideas are often quite different from the generations before us. Sharing an apartment, a goodbye kiss in the morning, and a half-interested “So, how was your day, darling?” in the evening – that’s not enough for us anymore. Our expectations keep rising, which makes the chance of stumbling across such a gem in real life even smaller.
In this book, we’ll explore what your vision looks like. Exactly what you need for your personal happiness. How to find out, describe, and define it – and then create a profile that works like a lighthouse, attracting exactly the right people. It’s going to be a rich, detailed profile. Online, you can reach everyone on a platform – and you can even join several sites to widen the pool. No newspaper ad can match that kind of reach!
Online dating has other unbeatable advantages. It works around the clock and fits seamlessly into even the busiest days. If you’re not in the mood anymore, you don’t have to wriggle out of a situation – you can just log out. Rejection still stings online, but no one sees it, which makes it a little easier to handle. And here’s the thing: on a dating platform, the odds are much higher that both people are actually looking. Compare that to plucking up the courage to talk to someone in real life, only to find out they’re already taken… ouch!
And since dating online is so much easier than in the wild, you automatically end up with more contacts. That trains your social skills, teaches you a lot about yourself and others, and – if you practice self-reflection – can do wonders for your confidence and self-esteem.
I hope these words encourage you – no matter if you’re already a seasoned online dater (or even a little online-weary), or if you’re just now thinking about putting yourself out there in the wild internet for the first time. Please trust me for the steps of this journey and let yourself engage in a transformative process. In this book, I won’t just hand you clever theory – I’ll share “miracles” I’ve tested with clients and experienced myself. Except they weren’t really miracles – they were the result of a pretty cool approach. That approach is what I’ve captured here.
So I’ll tell you with confidence: your single days are coming to an end.
How do I know? You bought this book – which means you’re no longer in the “Pfft – I don’t need anyone in my life – never again – I’m done” phase, and you’ve also moved past the “I’ll manage just fine on my own – I’m no rookie at this” phase. You’ve reached the point where you’re willing to seek support. Fantastic! If you’re holding this book because someone well-meaning gave it to you and you’ve barely dipped a toe into online dating, trust me. Come on this path with me and see where it leads.
If you’ve been dating online for a while and you’re frustrated because nothing’s working, you keep meeting the weirdest people, and you’re wondering, “Where are all the normal, healthy, loving, interesting humans? Do they even exist?” – my answer is: Yes, they do. And they’re looking for you just as desperately as you’re looking for them. You just haven’t been showing up in a way that allows you to find each other. That’s what we’ll change with this book.
That means work – I won’t sugarcoat it. But I believe you’re ready for that. After all, you’re here because nothing else has gotten you where you want to be. If you want something to change, you have to do something differently than you have before – makes sense, right? We’ll dive deep: first into your own being, and then into the qualities you want in the person by your side. There will be exercises, questions, and plenty of writing. If you’re rolling your eyes or furrowing your brow right now: I know the idea of surrendering to the universe (aka God, fate, life – you name it) is tempting. The good forces will take care of it and send you the right person at the right time. The thing is: “faith in the universe” doesn’t work that way. The universe will take care of you when you co-create with it. It needs you – your inner work, your crystal-clear intention – in order to work in your favor. So no, lounging on the couch waiting for your prince or fairy to stumble in as the Amazon delivery person or new neighbor – that’s not happening.
This book is for women and men alike – but not for everyone. We each have different ideas of the perfect love relationship. On the next pages, I’ll share mine with you. If they’re somewhat aligned with yours, then this book is for you. It’s a distillation of countless conversations with couples and singles in my practice, combined with my own story. Couples come to me when they’re struggling. Singles know that I’m someone who’s had great experiences with online dating – because that’s where I met my perfect match.
How will this book help you?
This book will guide you through self-analysis and take a close look at your current starting point. That’s the focus of Part One. What are your longings, and why? Where are your strengths, and where are your wounds? What are you looking for on the outside, and what have you already found within?
In Part Two, we’ll paint the picture of your dream partner. Who do you want by your side – someone who’s a great fit for you, complements you, celebrates you, encourages and challenges you, supports you, and laughs with you? And we won’t head off into the unicorn land of unrealistic fantasies – we’ll look even deeper into yourself.
That groundwork will be the basis for creating your profile text in Part Three – which will then feel like a breeze. Your profile will be unlike anything you’ve read on dating platforms – and it will have nothing to do with “stealing horses” or “carpe diem.” You’ll be openly, transparently, and unapologetically stating what you want in your perfect partner – and in doing so, you’ll reveal a lot about yourself. That means you’ll need more than just deep self-awareness – you’ll need plenty of courage to show up out there unarmored and without a mask. I’ll show you how to do that in a safe and protected way online.
In Part Four, we’ll take a quick look at the different platforms and cover the practical side of how to respond effectively. In Part Five, I’ll be right there with you as you go to your first in-person meetings. And once your time together turns into a relationship, you can turn to Part Six.
Queer disclaimer
I’m a heterosexual cis woman, and I know that queer relationships aren’t just a variation of heterosexual ones. There are differences – in experiences, in societal challenges, in the roles we (don’t) want to take on. And at the same time: in the end, it’s people meeting each other. Two (or more) who want to open up, connect, and love. The core dynamics of closeness, communication, trust, and self-disclosure are something we all share. In my practice, I’ve worked with wonderful people from the queer community – and I’ve learned how much I don’t know. But I’ve also seen how much is, in fact, similar or the same. I believe this book can be helpful for anyone who longs for a genuine connection – beyond gender, identity, or relationship model.
Since I can speak most authentically about relationship dynamics from a cis-hetero perspective, many of my examples come from that world. I hope you can, if needed, translate them in your mind – into your own language, your own images. And if you come across something and think, “That doesn’t apply to me” – you’re absolutely right. Take what resonates. The rest can stay – as an expression of my perspective, not a claim to universal truth. And if you have thoughts on what I could have done better or differently – I welcome every suggestion.
Part 1: Looking Within
What Kind of Relationship Do You Want?
Let’s start by getting clear on the kind of relationship this book is about.
You’re in the right place if you long for a deep, reflective connection where both of you truly want to get to know each other—with all the depths, wounds, and imperfections. Where both of you want to grow—for yourselves, for each other, and together. A mature, vibrant relationship between equals, two people who don’t need to be “finished,” but who know their work-in-progress areas and are excited to keep moving forward—without drifting apart. A relationship where both honor the enormous gift they’re giving one another: their time on this earth.
That’s the kind of relationship I’m talking about.
A relationship in which, after some time, you can say exactly what you love about the other person—and your answer goes far beyond, “She’s beautiful, smart, and great in bed!” or “He’s well-groomed, funny, and a safe driver!” (Pardon the clichés, but you get the point, right?)
A relationship you enter into freely, without need or urgency. Out of a calm desire to share part of your journey with someone. To mature together, to rub up against each other, to learn from one another. To have experiences together that you wouldn’t have had alone. And yes, to be there for each other—but not to the point of losing yourself.
You open up to each other emotionally without holding back, yet you remain two strong, independent individuals. You show yourself to one another in your rawest, most vulnerable form—and you can trust that the other can not only handle it, but will cherish it as a deep sign of trust.
So—are you with me? Is this a relationship that matches your vision?
Then let’s dive in.
Make Me Happy! – Expectation Management
Take an honest look inside yourself. What do you expect from your dream person? How will your life change with them in it? How will your mood, your happiness, your sense of fulfillment change?
If there’s any part of you that believes that having the right person by your side will make everything better—that you’ll be happy then, that your life will finally be good—stop right there! You are not ready for a truly deep relationship.
That sounds harsh, I know, but think about it: you can’t hand another person the responsibility for your happiness. If you do, you’ll become highly dependent—and that person could, theoretically, do whatever they want with you. And you don’t want a relationship based on dependency.
And it works the other way around too—you don’t want someone who needs you in the sense that they tie their entire life’s happiness to you. That’s far too much responsibility for one person to carry. That responsibility always belongs with us. After all, it’s our life.
You can’t make someone happy. You can contribute to your partner’s happiness, you can cheer them up, help them feel good, distract them—but whether or not your partner is happy is ultimately outside your control. No matter how close you are, you will never magically merge into a single being. You are two different people, each on your own path.
Each of you sits in your own life-boat. If you try to climb into the other’s boat, at least one of you will end up in the water and a boat will capsize! You can decide to travel your different paths side by side, each in your own boat—perhaps tying them together for the stretch you share.
But your own, personal happiness is yours alone to take care of.
So, right now, while you’re still searching: find your happiness today. Do the things that feel good to you, that bring you satisfaction. Take care of yourself. And if you then step into the dating world from a place of personal joy and self-contentment (in the best sense of the word), you’ll be totally relaxed.
Anyone you meet in that state will be someone who can enrich your life—but not define it. And you’ll naturally attract people who feel the same way—who have no interest in clinginess or in defining themselves entirely through their partner.
Preparing the Ground
Before you throw yourself into the marketplace of digital vanity and join the crowd of love-seekers, gather yourself and take a good look at what you actually want and how you can communicate that outwardly. For that, you’ll need calm and time—which is why I have a counterintuitive suggestion for you: put your search for a partner on pause for now. Take a dating vacation. Let go of the project. Land in the present moment and stop obsessing about a potentially beautiful future.
Accept what is right now: you’re single. And that is a wonderful state.
Over the next days and weeks, do everything you can to accept and enjoy this state. For as many of the seeds I’m planting in this book to grow, they need healthy soil. A relaxed ground that produces its own nutrients and gathers strength for the next growth phase.
We can only change what is—once we’ve accepted what is.
For you, that means: aim for a state where you feel good in your solitude. Where even the thought of being alone forever doesn’t scare you—because you’ve made peace with your current reality. Only in this state of self-contained contentment will you have the calm and clarity to truly look within.
How do you get into this state?
Take good care of yourself. Be the best possible partner to yourself. Spoil yourself, tend to yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat good food. Make your home cozy. Keep a journal. Meditate. Meet good friends and have deep conversations. Seriously—do all of that. Enjoy your free life, where you don’t have to coordinate anything with anyone, where you can devote yourself with love and dedication to your emotional and physical well-being.
Reflect and keep learning. Read great books about relationships and jot down your thoughts. Talk with trusted people about your past relationship patterns. Revisit past relationships—analyze what you could have done better and what you want to pay attention to when choosing your next partner.
Go full throttle in your career. Make yourself happen there. Bring all your talents to the table, shine, and be successful. You may not have as much energy, time, or desire for that once you’re happily in love. Bonus effect: if you’re fulfilled in your work, your potential better half has even less pressure to make you feel great, successful, and fulfilled—because you already are. Dissatisfaction at work is poison for finding a partner and a strain on any relationship.
Nurture your friendships. Strengthen the ones you have or build new ones. You need a few really good friends to be happy. Men in particular often think that love and work are the only important pillars in life. I once read that two-thirds of all German men have no close person they can talk to about what’s going on inside. What?! Friendships help you know yourself better—and keep introducing you to new people. Shared activities fulfill you, and later your partner won’t have to meet all your needs and interests. Actively involve your friends in your partner search—use them as advisors and cheerleaders.
Work out. Seriously. It’s scientifically proven that exercise not only makes you fitter, healthier, and more stress-resistant, but also braver and more confident. When you get stronger and fitter through exercise, you experience firsthand how much influence you have over your life. That changes you! Plus, with a better sense of your body, your self-worth rises—and that is highly attractive!
Pick up a new hobby. Something you’ve always wanted to do—now’s the time. Your life should feel full, rich, and satisfying, so you can say with conviction that you don’t need anyone to make you happy. That brings a lot of lightness into your life—the perfect state in which your next love will show up.
Where do you shine?
Whether at home or at school, most of us grow up hearing in detail all the things we’re not good at—and then get pushed to improve at those things. Rarely does someone notice our strengths, our sparkle, and celebrate us for it. Even rarer is someone encouraging us to deepen and expand those strengths.
If you share that experience, now is the moment to start celebrating yourself. To look closely and unapologetically at what you’re truly good at. What you’re passionate about. What others admire you for (even if it feels totally natural to you, no big deal). Where do you light up, and where do you make others light up? When, how, and where are you fully in your element—fully yourself?
Writing Prompt I
Take some time now to take stock. This is the first and absolutely essential step in dating: know your strengths—so you can find someone who loves and celebrates you exactly for those strengths. The following 22 questions are meant to help you explore. You don’t have to answer every single one meticulously. Go through them once and start writing wherever you already have an immediate answer. Then go through them a second time and think a little longer about each one. On the third round, focus on the two questions that felt the most awkward or difficult. Give them a chance—sometimes, that’s exactly where you might strike gold if you mull them over a bit.
What comes easily to me—even though others often find it hard?What makes me lose all sense of time and space?When do I feel most alive?What do others keep saying about me—things I hardly notice myself?Which situations give me energy instead of draining it?When do I feel “completely myself”?In which moments am I truly helpful to others—without making any special effort?What abilities do I use even when I’m not feeling well—because they keep me grounded?What would I want to do even if I never got paid for it?If my inner child proudly showed me something—what would it be?What challenges have I already mastered in my life—and what helped me through them?Which roles do I naturally take on in groups (e.g., listener, organizer, encourager, idea generator, leader)?If I were being completely honest, what would I tell a close friend are my three greatest strengths?Which compliments do I have the hardest time accepting—and could they still be true?Which of my traits are especially valuable in times of crisis?When was the last time I created, designed, or moved something—and what did that say about me?What can I give to others that doesn’t drain me, but fulfills me?What kind of intelligence, sensitivity, or creativity do I have that isn’t always immediately visible?What in me is not “performance-based” but still powerful—like intuition, humor, presence, patience?Which parts of me did I once feel were “too much”—that could now be a strength?When I want to find calm, I …I feel proud and content when/after I …If you’re someone who prefers typing to writing by hand, feel free to check the download section for this book. There you’ll find a Word document called ‘Dating Log’ that contains all the writing tasks from this book, so you can start typing right away.
Once you’ve done that, get an outside perspective. Ask three to five people who know you well (they don’t even have to like you) what strengths they see in you. If you ask them with an open heart, you might get some surprising answers. You could word your request something like this:
With a little help from my friends…
Dear … – I’m currently taking a deep dive into myself, into my light and my shadows. Your support would mean a lot to me! Could you name three to five things you would call my strengths? I’d like to compare my self-image with the outside perspective from people who know me well. You’re one of those people. Thank you already! Warmly, …
But promise me you’ll think about it yourself first, okay? It’s important to define your self-image before you compare it with someone else’s perspective.
How broken are you?
Influences
We’re all broken. Our parents got a few—or a lot—of things wrong. We had relationships where we were treated badly, or where we acted badly ourselves. We’ve been hurt in many ways, and we’ve hurt others. We’re all a little broken—that’s part of life, and it’s totally fine.
So let’s stop believing that “broken” means “less valuable.” All the wounds, all the experiences—good or bad—have shaped the person you are today. And that person is pretty great, exactly as you are! The counterpart you’re looking for now should be someone who can consciously acknowledge their own damage, also see and respect yours—but above all, celebrate you for your strengths and brilliance. The better you know yourself—your strengths, but also your wounds, scars, and scratches—the more likely you are to find a good match.
That’s why, after looking at your strengths, we’ll now explore other important parts of your inner world. This includes the relationship role models you grew up with. For most of us, that was our parents, and we unconsciously adopted a lot from them. If you’re now vigorously shaking your head, that’s a sign to take an especially close look.
Writing Prompt II
Please take your time and engage with these questions. We have a process ahead of us, and this is an important step. You can keep adding to your notes on this chapter because, most likely, as you progress through this book, you’ll become aware of much more that’s been at work inside you all along, standing in the way of your past relationship happiness.
So make yourself a cup of tea or coffee and set aside one to two hours to answer the following questions. You’ll also find them in the Dating Log.doc in the download section for this book.
And if you skipped writing down your strengths because you’re a clever one: here’s a friendly but firm reminder to go back and do that first. It’s honestly not worth reading further before you do.
Roll up your sleeves and: enjoy exploring your imprints!
Relationship role models
Which relationship role models have you had in your life—within family, friends, or in public?What did you learn from them about love, closeness, conflict, and reliability? How openly did they communicate, how were conflicts handled, and how were children raised?Which values, communication patterns, or role models were lived out for you—and how did you experience them?If you look honestly: which of these do you live yourself today (consciously or unconsciously)—and what would you like to do differently?Ex-partnerships
What behaviors from former partners hurt or triggered you the most?What did these experiences reveal about yourself—your needs, boundaries, or fears?Which traces from past relationships still affect you today—consciously or unconsciously?What did you take away from these experiences—and what would you like to let go of?Self-love & self-worth
How do you treat yourself when you make a mistake or feel weak?In which situations do you feel truly connected with yourself—strong, alive, enough?Are there inner voices or beliefs that hold you back or put you down?What does self-acceptance mean to you—and what concrete steps could you take in that direction?Inner images of the other
What conscious or unconscious ideas do you have about the opposite sex (or the group of people you’re attracted to)?Which experiences shaped these images—personal events, disappointments, childhood imprints?Which clichés or generalizations sometimes pop up inside you, even if you don’t want to own them? (Men only want one thing, women just want my money.)What influences from your environment (family, media, society) have shaped your ideal of a relationship—and what of that truly reflects you?If you notice that you have negative preconceptions about the opposite sex, congratulations! You have realized something very important that has been hindering your dating efforts. If your basic attitude is “in dubio contra reo”—in other words, when in doubt, against the accused—then on every date you think, "Well, you'd better prove to me that you're really different from your predecessors.“ That's so unfair! It's not for nothing that the legal system says ”in dubio pro reo" – and here, no one is even on trial, they're just sitting across from you in a café! At the same time, you probably had good reasons for forming this image. Bad experiences, stupid encounters, negative role models.
Are you ready to open yourself up to new experiences and impressions, despite everything?
Your brain first needs a clear yes to this question. And then action should follow. This clear yes is essential because we often shape the world according to how we believe it is. That’s due to the way our brain works. Every second, we perceive only a tiny fraction of the reality around us—most of it escapes us. Our brain works in an energy-efficient way, filtering out aspects it has reason to believe are important to us. That’s why, when we’re pregnant, we suddenly see pregnant women everywhere. Or when we want to buy a blue car, we suddenly notice blue cars all around. We’re so focused on the matter that our brain points out everything that fits.
