18,99 €
Mehr erfahren.
- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
The groundbreaking book that puts the focus on teens and young adults with social challenges This book offers parents a step-by-step guide to making and keeping friends for teens and young adults with social challenges--such as those diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, bipolar, or other conditions. With the book's concrete rules and steps of social etiquette, parents will be able to assist in improving conversational skills, expanding social opportunities, and developing strategies for handling peer rejection. Each chapter provides helpful overview information for parents; lessons with clear bulleted lists of key rules and steps; and expert advice on how to present the material to a teen or young adult. Throughout the book are role-playing exercises for practicing each skill, along with homework assignments to ensure the newly learned skills can be applied easily to a school, work, or other "real life" setting. Bonus content shows role-plays of skills covered, demonstrating the right and wrong way to enter conversations, schedule get-togethers, deal with conflict, and much more. * PART ONE: GETTING READY * Ch. 1: Why Teach Social Skills to Teens and Young Adults? * PART TWO: THE SCIENCE OF DEVELOPING AND MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS * Ch. 2: Finding and Choosing Good Friends * Ch. 3: Good Conversations: The Basics * Ch. 4: Starting and Entering Conversations * Ch. 5: Exiting Conversations * Ch. 6: Managing Electronic Communication * Ch. 7: Showing Good Sportsmanship * Ch. 8: Enjoying Successful Get-Togethers * PART THREE: THE SCIENCE OF HANDLING PEER CONFLICT AND REJECTION: HELPFUL STRATEGIES * Ch. 9: Dealing With Arguments * Ch. 10: Handling Verbal Teasing * Ch. 11: Addressing Cyber Bullying * Ch. 12: Minimizing Rumors and Gossip * Ch. 13: Avoiding Physical Bullying * Ch. 14: Changing a Bad Reputation Epilogue: Moving Forward
Sie lesen das E-Book in den Legimi-Apps auf:
Seitenzahl: 608
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2013
Ähnliche
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
DVD Contents
Foreword
Preface
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Part One: Getting Ready
Chapter 1: Why Teach Social Skills to Teens and Young Adults?
Purpose of This Book
Scientific Evidence for the UCLA PEERS Model
Reason to Use the PEERS Method
Tips for Parents: How to Use This Book
Importance of Social Motivation
Introducing This Book to Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Part Two: The Science of Developing and Maintaining Friendships
Chapter 2: Finding and Choosing Good Friends
Peer Rejection and Social Neglect
Finding a Source of Good Friends
The Social Landscape of Adolescence and Adulthood
The Importance of Social Groups
Identifying the Right Social Group
Understanding and Determining Your Child's Reputation
Finding Friends through Social Groups
Finding Friends through Extracurricular Activities and Social Hobbies
Assessing Peer Acceptance
Friendship Is a Choice
Success Story: Fred Finds a Source of Friends
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 3: Good Conversations
Perspective Taking in Conversations
Rules of Good Conversations
Success Story: Lance Learns to Trade Information
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 4: Starting and Entering Conversations
Steps for Starting Individual Conversations
Steps for Entering Group Conversations
Success Story: Morgan Makes Friends
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 5: Exiting Conversations
Assessing Interest: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
Steps for Exiting Conversations When You Don't Feel Accepted
Steps for Exiting Conversations When YouInitially Feel Accepted and Then Excluded
Steps for Exiting Conversations When You Feel Fully Accepted
Success Story: Ryan Reads the Conversational Cues
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 6: Managing Electronic Communication
Common Forms of Social Media
General Rules for Using Electronic Communication
Rules for Using the Telephone
Steps for Ending Phone Calls
Steps for Leaving Voicemail
Rules for Using the Internet Safely
Parent Social Coaching Tips for Online Safety
Success Story: Steven Stays Safe Online
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 7: Showing Good Sportsmanship
Rules for Good Sportsmanship
Success Story: Carter Can Be a Good Sport
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 8: Enjoying Successful Get-Togethers
Steps for Planning a Get-Together
Strategies for Preparing for a Get-Together
Steps for Beginning a Get-Together
General Rules During a Get-Together
Steps for Ending a Get-Together
Success Story: Harry Hangs Out with Friends
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Part Three: The Science of Handling Peer Conflict and Rejection: Helpful Strategies
Chapter 9: Dealing with Arguments
Steps for Handling Arguments
Success Story: Michael Makes Amends
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 10: Handling Verbal Teasing
Strategies for Handling Verbal Teasing
Expect It to Get Worse Before It Gets Better
Expect a Recurrence of the Teasing
When to Avoid Using Teasing Comebacks
Strategies for Using Embarrassing Feedback–A Gift in Disguise
Success Story: Mark Manages Teasing
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 11: Addressing Cyber Bullying
Strategies for Handling Cyber Bullying
Success Story: David Doesn't Feed the Trolls
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 12: Minimizing Rumors and Gossip
Tips for Avoiding Being the Target of Rumors and Gossip
Strategies for Handling Rumors and Gossip
Success Story: Shannon Spreads a Rumor about Herself
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 13: Avoiding Physical Bullying
Strategies for Handling Physical Bullying
Success Story: Larry Lays Low
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Chapter 14: Changing a Bad Reputation
Steps for Changing a Bad Reputation
What about Individuality?
Be Patient: This May Take Some Time
Success Story: Chandra Changes Her Reputation
Chapter Summary for Teens and Young Adults
Chapter Exercises for Teens, Young Adults, and Parents
Epilogue: Moving Forward
Is the Program Working For You?
Potential Barriers to Social Success
Will My Child Change His or Her Mind about Making Friends?
How to Use the DVD
System Requirements
Using the DVD with Windows
In Case of Trouble
Bibliography
Index
Cover design by JPuda
Cover image: © Laurence Mouton/Getty
Copyright © 2013 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.
Published by Jossey-Bass
A Wiley Brand
One Montgomery Street, Suite 1200, San Francisco, CA 94104-4594–www.josseybass.com
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read.
Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002.
Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
ISBN (paperback): 978-1-118-12721-6
ISBN (ebk): 978-1-118-41895-6
ISBN (ebk): 978-1-118-41650-1
This book is dedicated to all of the parents who work tirelessly to support their children
DVD Contents
Introduction
The science of good conversations
The science of starting and entering conversations
The science of exiting conversations
The science of handling arguments
The science of handling verbal teasing
The science of handling rumors and gossip
Foreword
Are you a parent of a child on the autism spectrum, or do you have a kid with ADHD, anxiety, or depression? Does your child struggle to make and keep friends? You've come to the right place. This book–The Science of Making Friends–describes one of the first evidence-based systems for helping teens and young adults achieve that all-important goal.
The words evidence based are very important. They mean that the creators of the therapy have tested it against other therapies and verified that it is effective and delivers lasting benefits. In the world of therapy, evidence-based practices are the gold standard. An evidence-based therapy for making friends is the mental health equivalent of a drug that's shown to be effective. It's the best therapy we know how to deliver.
As a person who grew up with undiagnosed autism, I know how important social skills are for people who are neurologically different. I know firsthand the pain of loneliness and the sense of failure unwanted social isolation brings. The sting of childhood rejection followed me long into adulthood, and I'd do anything to save today's kids some of what I went through.
As a parent of a young adult with autism, I also know how powerful the effect of parental coaching can be. Like me, my son is on the autism spectrum but with recognition of his challenges and social skills coaching he grew up to be far less isolated and more socially successful than I did.
When I raised my son–as I describe in my memoir Raising Cubby–I flew by the seat of my pants. I watched him struggle and fail, pondered his actions, and gave the best advice I could based on my limited life experience. That's all most people could hope to do, until now.
Dr. Liz Laugeson has devoted her career to studying the behaviors that lead to social failure and finding ways to teach alternate ways of acting. Most important, she has kept records of her work, and she's learned what works and what doesn't.
She leads a team of researchers and therapists at UCLA's Semel Institute, where they have developed and proven the benefit of an intervention known as PEERS, which stands for Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills. It's one of the first programs of its kind and the first to be backed by solid evidence of its effectiveness.
The PEERS program was originally designed to be delivered by two therapists. One would meet with the kids, the other with the parents. Right now, Dr. Laugeson and her staff are training teams to do PEERS all over the world, but there are still many families in need who are not near a trained PEERS team, hence, this book.
In it, you will find all the core concepts of PEERS with advice on how to work through the elements with your teen or young adult. If you're like me, you may even find the lessons of PEERS relevant in your own life or those of your partner.
If you follow the guidelines, I guarantee you will see greater social success. And that is one of the best predictors of happiness and good life outcome. I can't stress strongly enough what it's meant to me.
John Elder RobisonAuthor, Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's,Be Different, and Raising CubbyMember, Interagency Autism Coordinating Committee,US Department of Health and Human Services
Preface
This book is the culmination of years of research in social skills training for teens and young adults with social challenges conducted at the UCLA PEERS Clinic. Many of our clients come to our clinic with a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Others have been diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, anxiety, or any other number of disorders that cause social difficulties. Some have no diagnosis at all but struggle with knowing how to make and keep friends. All find themselves at sea socially and need a little help navigating their way. The strategies presented in the following chapters are based on a decade of research in the skills necessary to make and keep friends. The UCLA PEERS Clinic has helped hundreds of teens find and keep friends and become socially adept at doing so. The PEERS model is unique from other programs in that it involves parents in the curriculum and is the only existing research-based model of its kind for teaching friendship skills to teens and young adults.
Through rigorous scientific investigation, we have identified the essential elements needed for developing and maintaining meaningful relationships and have organized these essential social behaviors into easy-to-understand concrete rules and steps. We have broken down complex social behaviors to make them simple for any teen or young adult to follow. Yet we have also taken into consideration the special needs of some of the young people we work with. Those with ASD and ADHD, for example, sometimes have required that steps be smaller, more digestible, and methodical. We also know, for example, that some individuals on the autism spectrum have a tendency to think in concrete and literal ways. The use of figurative language such as metaphors and analogies is often lost on them. Likewise, abstract thinking about social behaviors may be equally confusing. Rather than trying to remedy this deficit by attempting to teach teens and young adults with ASD how to think like typically developing people, we embrace their unique thinking style and use it to create a program that can help a vast array of people with social skills challenges. We are particularly indebted to the teens and young adults with ASD whom we've encountered; thinking about their needs and unique perspectives provided the program with an elegant solution to teaching social skills challenges–breaking down complex social behaviors into rules and steps. The result is a researched-based model for teaching social skills to teens and young adults.
In the following pages you will see how we take what appear to be abstract social behaviors, such as starting or entering conversations, and break those behaviors down into their smaller, individual parts. By reducing complex social behavior into smaller, more manageable segments, we're able to decode the social world for individuals who have social challenges, making it more likely that they will be able to successfully navigate this world and thereby develop more meaningful relationships.
Acknowledgments
Someone once said mentors are everyday heroes. To my mentor, Andrew Leuchter, I would like thank you for being my hero. This work would not have been possible if it were not for your mentorship, and without your support and guidance, this book would never have been written and the research on which it is founded would never have been conducted. Thank you for being my hero and the kind of person I aspire to be.
This work would also not have been possible without the love and support of my family and friends. To my husband, Lance Orozco, I am forever indebted. You are my greatest source of support, my biggest fan, and the kindest and most thoughtful person I know. To my mother, Janet Tate, I am forever your student. You have taught me by example what it is to be a strong woman, and I carry your voice with me always. To my colleagues, Fred Frankel, Mary O'Connor, and Blair Paley, I am forever grateful. You have shown me the world of social skills research and have transformed my life in the most meaningful way. To my dear friends, Jennifer Wilkerson, Carrie Raia, and Dan Oakley, I am forever your friend. You have taught me what true friendship means, and I am a better person for knowing each of you.
No list of gratitude would be complete without acknowledging the incredible contributions of my wonderful team. The work on which this book is founded is a collaborative effort on the part of two dedicated and talented labs. To my amazing research and clinical teams at UCLA (Team PEERS) and The Help Group (Team Alliance), I would like to thank you for your tireless efforts and unparalleled dedication. Most especially to Shannon Bates, Lara Tucci, Ruth Ellingsen, Yasamine Bolourian, Jessica Hopkins, Jennifer Sanderson, and Ashley Dillon–I am eternally grateful for your commitment and enthusiasm to our work and the warmth and compassion you show to our families.
To my amazing team of actors–Yasamine Bolourian, Mary Goodarzi, Lara Tucci, Alex Friedman, and Ben Schwartzman, who moonlight as autism researchers when they are not conducting fabulous role-play demonstrations of social skills–I commend you on your wonderful acting abilities in the accompanying DVD and thank you for your willingness to embarrass yourselves a little in the interest of social skills!
To my friends and colleagues at UCLA and The Help Group, I thank you for your endless support and encouragement of this work. Most especially to Barbara Firestone, Peter Whybrow, Jim McCracken, and Philip Levin for their loyal and steadfast support of our research efforts. To my dear friends and colleagues Vicky Goodman and Sally Weil at The Friends of the Semel Institute, Vera and Dana Guerin with the Shapell and Guerin Family Foundation, and the Organization for Autism Research–I thank you for making possible the research on which this book is founded.
To my talented editorial team–Margie McAneny, Pat Stacey, and Tracy Gallagher–I thank you for your patience and persistence in helping me find my voice. To Melissa Wasserman, Lyndsay Brooks, Meagan Cronin, Rohini Bagrodia, and Jason Tinero–who masquerade as graduate students when they're not busy copyediting–thank you for helping me dot my i's and cross my t's.
Finally, to the inspirational families we have had the great privilege of working with, thank you for guiding this work and reminding us what is important in life. You never cease to amaze me, supply me with endless amounts of laughter, and inspire me to always do better and work harder. Thank you for touching my heart and making this work more meaningful than I could ever have imagined.
About the Author
Elizabeth A. Laugeson, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and an assistant clinical professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences at the UCLA Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior. Laugeson is the founder and director of the UCLA PEERS Clinic, which is an outpatient hospital–based program providing parent-assisted social skills training for youth with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, anxiety, and other social impairments. She is also the director of The Help Group–UCLA Autism Research Alliance, which is a collaborative research initiative dedicated to developing and expanding applied clinical research in the treatment of children and adolescents with ASD.
Laugeson has been a principal investigator and collaborator on a number of research studies investigating social skills training for youth from preschool to early adulthood and is the co-developer of an evidence-based, parent-assisted manual on social skills intervention for teens and young adults known as the Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills (PEERS®), which has been translated and disseminated in over a dozen countries to date.
Laugeson received her doctorate in psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004 and completed a predoctoral psychology internship and a postdoctoral research fellowship at UCLA in 2004 and 2007, respectively. She has presented her research at conferences throughout the world, and her work has been featured on national and international media outlets such as People Magazine, Los Angeles Times, New York Times, Washington Post, USA Today, CBS, NBC, and Channel 4 in the United Kingdom.
In this book, Laugeson shares her research-supported strategies for helping adolescents and young adults with social challenges learn to make and keep friends.
Part One
Getting Ready
1
Why Teach Social Skills to Teens and Young Adults?
Have You Ever Heard of Social Skills described as an art form? Some would say there's an art to being social and making friends–an innate quality that you're either born with or you're not. Take conversational skills for example. Sometimes referred to as the gift of gab, many believe you're either good at making small talk or you're not. Although it may be true that some have a natural knack for the conversational arts, it's not necessarily true that all social skills are hardwired or fixed. What if conversational skills, and more broadly social skills, were not an art but a science?
Our research in social skills training for teens and young adults with social difficulties is based on this premise. We believe that social skills can be taught, much in the way we might teach math or science. By breaking down complex, seemingly sophisticated social skills into concrete rules and steps of social behavior, we can demystify and to some extent decode the “art form” that is social skills.
Purpose of This Book
This book will give parents a step-by-step guide for helping teens and young adults struggling with social skills learn how to make and keep friends. The strategies outlined were developed at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) PEERS (Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills) Clinic, our hospital-based program that provides parent-assisted social skills training for young people with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), depression, anxiety, and other social impairments. Although the skills we've developed were largely created through our work with teens and young adults with ASD, the tips and strategies can be used by anyone. Through the use of concrete rules and steps of social behavior, you will become knowledgeable in the skills necessary to help your child develop and maintain friendships, expand social opportunities, and handle peer conflict and rejection.
Rules and Steps of Social Behavior
Many of the teens and young adults whom we work with at the UCLA PEERS Clinic, particularly those diagnosed with ASD, are fond of rules. In fact, what often happens when you break a rule in front of your child? If your child is like others in our program, he or she probably notices rule violations and may even feel compelled to point them out. We call this social error policing. Although we don't advocate the tendency to point out rule violations or police others, we do recognize that teens and young adults with social challenges often have a penchant for rules and may be likely to follow them. Consequently, we've developed a program that teaches social skills using concrete rules and steps of social behavior. The vast majority of the teens and young adults we've worked with appreciate our use of rules and steps of social behavior because it clears away the gray fog of the social world, making social behavior more black and white and easier to see. You might consider how your own child responds to rules and think about how he or she will react to this approach.
To better understand the importance of rules and steps in teaching social skills, consider for a moment why people with social challenges, such as those who have ASD and other syndromes, are fond of rules. One reason is that rules are predictable. For example, we've noted that a lot of the socially challenged clients we see at the UCLA PEERS Clinic have strong inclination toward math, science, engineering, or computer technology, particularly those who come to us diagnosed with ASD. Perhaps these preferences relate to predictability. Numbers, algorithms, and formulas are predictable; you know what to expect. But in the social world, where human emotion, response, and humor exist, behaviors are not so predictable; you don't always know what to expect. Decoding social behaviors into concrete rules and steps will help to demystify the social world for those with social difficulties, neurological issues, and sensitivities that often accompany ASD or other conditions or emotional patterns. This is what makes the PEERS approach and this book unique.
Ecologically Valid Social Skills
Another aspect of the PEERS approach that is unique compared to other models is our use of ecologically valid social skills. Although the term ecologically valid sounds quite technical and scientific, what it essentially means is that we're teaching social behaviors that are naturally used by teens and young adults who are socially successful. In other words, we're not teaching what we think young people should do in social situations but what actually works in reality. Although well intentioned, parents and professionals sometimes make the mistake of trying to teach social skills to teens and young adults by offering advice about what we think young people should do in certain social situations but, as you will soon discover, the problem with this approach is that the advice given is often wrong. The goal of this book is to help you avoid those common pitfalls of giving misinformed advice and equip you with ecologically valid rules and steps of social behavior that will allow you to help your child make and keep friends through the use of acceptable real-world social skills discovered through science.
Evidence-Based Approach
What also makes this book different from typical how-to guides about social skills is that the skills offered here reflect behaviors that research has shown to be effective. This is why we call the book The Science of Making Friends. Through rigorous scientific study, we have uncovered the tools needed to teach critical friendship skills to teens and young adults with social challenges. Not only are the strategies contained in this book based on ecologically valid social skills but the method described here has also been shown to be effective through scientific investigation. Our research through the UCLA PEERS Clinic, in conjunction with other PEERS research programs throughout the world, has demonstrated improvement in friendships and overall social skills for teens and young adults with social challenges through multiple clinical trials, making the PEERS method the only evidence-based social skills program of its kind.
Scientific Evidence for the UCLA PEERS Model
Our research with PEERS, conducted at the UCLA Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, has primarily focused on teens and young adults with ASD, although the benefit of the program has also been examined for teens with ADHD, fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASD), as well as teens and adults with intellectual disabilities. Because social problems are a hallmark feature of ASD, we base many of our rules of social behavior on the common social errors exhibited by those with ASD, in combination with the appropriate social behaviors used by socially successful teens and adults.
Findings from our research conducted in the community and school settings primarily come from parents, teachers, and youth, using standardized measures of social functioning. Improvements in social functioning following PEERS typically include the following:
Improved overall social skills in CooperationAssertionResponsibilityDecreased problematic social behaviors in Self-controlExternalizing behaviorImproved social responsiveness in Social communicationSocial awarenessSocial motivationSocial cognitionDecreased autistic symptomsDecreased social anxietyIncreased frequency of peer interactions and get-togethersDecreased lonelinessImproved empathyImproved friendship qualityImproved knowledge of adolescent or young adult social skillsUnlike most social skills interventions cited in the research literature, our research team has conducted extensive follow-up research and investigated the sustainability of these improvements over time to make sure that what we're teaching is continuing to work for those going through our program. A long-term, follow-up study conducted with families one to five years after receiving the PEERS treatment revealed that improvements in social skills, social responsiveness, frequency of peer interactions, and social skills knowledge were maintained over time and in some cases improved even further. These findings are very encouraging when you consider that the social trajectory for many young people with social challenges such as those diagnosed with ASD sadly tends to worsen with age and entering adulthood.
It's probably worthy of note that the previously mentioned studies not only comprise the largest number of participants reported in the social skills treatment literature for older adolescents and young adults with ASD, but the improvements are also far greater than what is typically reported in the autism research literature. Most social skills treatment studies for young people with ASD tend to show minimal or modest improvements, often with a very small group of people, and with improvements rarely sustained or reported over time. Conversely, our research using the PEERS model has shown much greater improvements in social skills among larger groups of people, with improvements generally maintained over time and improved even further in some cases.
Although the exact cause of these improvements cannot be pinpointed with a perfect degree of certainty, we believe that the true power of the PEERS model can be attributed to the high degree of involvement of parents and teachers in the treatment. Our belief is that by teaching parents and teachers to be social coaches to teens and young adults with social difficulties, we're far more likely to generalize good social skills to multiple settings including home, school, and the community. Furthermore, these improvements are more likely to be maintained over time, as our research suggests, because involving parents and teachers as social coaches ensures that treatment never ends.
Reason to Use the PEERS Method
Teens and adults with social difficulties, such as those with ASD, ADHD, or other challenges, frequently struggle with friendships. They're often isolated and withdrawn, perhaps choosing not to socialize with others, or if they do wish to socialize, they may be rejected by their peers. To make matters worse, isolation and rejection may lead to other mental health problems such as depression or anxiety. Not surprisingly, parents are often desperate to help their children improve their social skills, yet may struggle with knowing what advice and support to give.
Although many programs exist to assist younger children in improving their social skills, very few programs target older adolescents and young adults with social challenges. Among the few programs that do exist, the vast majority do not have scientific evidence to support their claims of improving social skills, nor do they provide parent assistance. To date, the only known research-supported social skills program available for teens and young adults with ASD and other social challenges is PEERS.
PEERS is the research platform on which the rules and steps of social behavior will be described and taught in this book. Typically facilitated by mental health professionals and educators, PEERS is widely available as a treatment manual, with PEERS treatment groups offered in community mental health agencies, clinics, hospitals, and schools throughout the world. The training is typically provided in a group or classroom setting, where parents and teens or young adults attend separate co-occurring group sessions with the goal of teaching friendship skills using parent-supported social coaching.
Although PEERS has been widely disseminated through published treatment manuals, professional training seminars, and the development of countless programs in the international community, the reality is that access to this scientifically supported treatment is not available to all families, nor was the manual written specifically for families. That's the reason for this book: to provide information about the skills taught in PEERS for families.
Tips for Parents: How to Use This Book
This book is organized into three main parts. Part 1 includes the current introduction you are reading, which is intended to give you an overview of our approach and the scientific rationale on which this book is based. Part 2 includes strategies for developing and maintaining relationships. This part includes information about how to find good friends; how to have good conversations; how to start, enter, and exit conversations; how to use electronic communication appropriately; how to be a good sport; and how to have successful get-togethers with friends. Part 3 includes strategies for handling peer conflict and rejection. This part includes information about how to handle arguments, verbal teasing, cyber bullying, rumors and gossip, physical bullying, and how to change a bad reputation. An epilogue also includes general conclusions and thoughts about moving forward.
Within parts 2 and 3, each chapter outlines a different ecologically valid social skill, presented using concrete rules and steps of social behavior. Chapters are broken down into separate sections as described in the following.
Narrative Lessons for Parents
The first section of each chapter contains a narrative lesson for parents. This section outlines critical skills needed for your teen or young adult to make and keep friends. You will notice that the parent narrative sections are longer or more detailed than other sections because we expect parents to act as social coaches to teens and young adults as part of this approach. In our clinical experience, being a social coach requires a great deal of information on your part so these sections will naturally be longer. Each relevant chapter will also offer advice on how to provide social coaching to your teen or young adult using the material outlined in this book. Although the narrative lessons were written for parents, interested teens and young adults are also welcome to read this section, too.
Success Stories
At the end of each parent section, you will find a brief success story relating to the skills taught in that chapter. These inspirational stories highlight the experiences of families who've gone through PEERS, often in their own words. Although these stories and the people they chronicle are real, we have changed the names and identifying information of these families to protect their anonymity–although all have given their permission for us to tell their unique stories.
Chapter Summaries for Teens and Young Adults
The next section, which can be easily located by its shaded box, includes a chapter summary for teens and young adults. This section is intended to be read by your teen or young adult, although you should also have a look. Chapter summaries are meant to help you convey the information contained in this book without having to lecture to your child. Some teens and young adults will find it off-putting to have their parents explain the material directly to them. In that case, he or she should feel free to read the chapter summaries independently from you, leaving room for discussion later. Although the chapter summaries provide an overview of the narrative lessons, using more kid-friendly language, this section also includes social vignettes and transcripts from DVD demonstrations that you will need to be familiar with when discussing the skills with your teen or young adult. So don't skip over this section without giving it a look.
DVD Demonstrations and Social Vignettes
As a companion to this book, you have a DVD of role-play demonstrations of appropriate and inappropriate social behavior. If your child is at all like our teens and young adults who attend the UCLA PEERS Clinic, he or she may benefit greatly from seeing video models of behaviors that work or don't work with their peers. Similarly he or she may be unwittingly turning off other people merely because of a few quirky habits or gestures. Through our research with PEERS, we have learned that showing teen and young adult models of some of the more common appropriate and inappropriate social behaviors has helped many to become more socially polished, accelerating their progress in learning to be more effective listeners and friends. Video demonstrations are intended to be shared with interested members of your family, most importantly with your teen or young adult. Transcripts of these DVD demonstrations can be found in the chapter summaries for teens and young adults in the social vignette section. When DVD demonstrations are unavailable, alternative social stories are provided in the social vignette section.
Perspective-Taking Questions
DVD demonstrations and social vignettes are intended to be viewed or read in conjunction with corresponding perspective-taking questions, located immediately after each social vignette section in the chapter summaries for teens and young adults. Perspective-taking questions are also presented on the DVD following each video demonstration. These questions will help you facilitate a discussion with your teen or young adult about appropriate and inappropriate social behavior and also assist your child with reading social cues and putting him- or herself in someone else's shoes.
Chapter Exercises for Teens and Young Adults
Each chapter includes chapter exercises for teens and young adults to promote use of these skills in more natural settings. Like all teen and young adult content, this section can be easily located by its shaded box. Chapter exercises are intended to be completed by you and your teen or young adult with the relevant amount of coaching provided by you. You will want to carefully read this section in order to help encourage the practice of these skills in the real world. In our clinical experience, if your teen or young adult doesn't practice these skills, the program and your efforts will be less effective.
Mobile Application for Smartphones
In addition to the material presented in this book and companion DVD, you and your teen or young adult may also want to access the mobile application for smartphones developed to accompany this book. The FriendMaker mobile app is intended to act as a virtual coach in the absence of live social coaching. The mobile app includes a summary of strategies from relevant social skills highlighted in this book, along with embedded video demonstrations of appropriate and inappropriate social behavior and perspective-taking discussions. We have found that many teens and young adults prefer this method of virtual social coaching in real-life social settings because it's less conspicuous and more natural than live social coaching. Suggestions for incorporating the use of the FriendMaker mobile app in everyday practice of the skills provided in this book are offered in the chapter exercises for teens and young adults when relevant.
Social Coaching Tip: Although you will have many tools at your disposal as part of this model, reading this book alone will not be the magic ingredient to helping your child. Assuming your teen or young adult is motivated to learn the skills we have to offer, in order to receive the full benefit of this book, your role will be to do the following with your child:
Share the rules and steps summarized in the chapter summaries for teens and young adults located in the shaded boxes of this book.Read the social vignettes and watch the DVD demonstrations of appropriate and inappropriate social behavior with your teen or young adult.Discuss the social vignettes and DVD demonstrations with your teen or young adult using the perspective-taking questions.Encourage your teen or young adult to practice these skills through the completion of chapter exercises located in the shaded boxes of this book.Provide social coaching about the rules and steps of social behavior during chapter exercises and teachable moments.Assist your teen or young adult in finding a source of friends as described in chapter 2.Social Coaching Tip: Although you may be excited to get started, it's possible that you may find your teen or young adult is unwilling to learn more about these skills or practice what we're offering. Although it may be tempting to try to force this information on your child, knowing that these skills may be just what he or she needs, the sad truth is that if your teen or young adult doesn't want to learn or practice these skills, they aren't likely to work. Although it's naturally frustrating and even heartbreaking to want to help your child but be met with resistance, you may still want to familiarize yourself with the skills provided in this book, saving the tools for a rainy day when they might be of use. The reality is that most parents provide social coaching to their kids, often on a daily basis, whether their child wants it or not. So even if your teen or young adult claims to be disinterested, familiarizing yourself with rules and steps of social behavior identified in this book may still provide you with a powerful tool to help your child.
Importance of Social Motivation
Before we begin to explore how to help your teen or young adult develop the critical skills needed for making and keeping friends, we need to consider the level of social motivation of your child. It's important that we be honest and acknowledge that there are some people who actually choose to be left alone. Perhaps your child is one of them. Although some who choose to isolate actually do want to learn to make and keep friends, others may be satisfied with their lives and don't really see the benefits of friendship. These teens and adults may be very self-directed and self-oriented and appear to be happy on their own. Yet parents of these teens and adults are often at their wits' end worrying that their child will never marry, never find a suitable job in the workforce, and never enjoy all of the breadth that a healthy social life offers. They long for their child to branch out and get involved with their peers, but their kids insist they don't want to.
At the UCLA PEERS Clinic, where we run our social skills groups, we see many families facing this challenge: parents who want their child to be more socially adept and engaged and teens and young adults who are perfectly content with their current social situation. As clinicians, it's our job to determine who will benefit from treatment in our program and also who will not. One of the deciding factors determining who is included in our social skills groups is based on social motivation. If a teen or young adult says that he or she is content being socially isolated, having no friends or social contact outside of family, yet expresses an interest in learning and practicing the skills we offer in PEERS, then we have room to work. However, if the teen or young adult isn't interested in learning or practicing the skills we offer, then our efforts will be useless. When considering whether your child will benefit from the skills in this book, you'll need to think about whether he or she actually wants to have friends. By familiarizing yourself with the skills suggested here and providing good social coaching to your child during teachable moments, even if your child seems uninterested in these skills, there is still hope for helping your son or daughter, perhaps when he or she least expects it.
For many young people struggling with social challenges, it's not so much an issue of not wanting to have friends but not knowing how to have friends. This book is focused on the how-to of making and keeping friends. For socially motivated teens and young adults, the skills described here will help many to begin to venture forth into the world of friendship, even the die-hard loners.
Introducing This Book to Teens and Young Adults
Read the following shaded section with your child to provide him or her with an overview of this book. If after reading this section, your teen or young adult wishes to read more, have him or her proceed to the other shaded sections of this book, including chapter summaries and chapter exercises, and make yourself available for discussion. For those parents of teens and young adults uninterested in reading more, feel free to read on yourself. Remember that you're likely the most important social coach in your child's life and any additional knowledge you gain will only benefit the social life of your son or daughter.
Part Two
The Science of Developing and Maintaining Friendships
2
Finding and Choosing Good Friends
Social Functioning is an Area of tremendous gratification and often frustration for nearly everyone; it represents an area of constant trial and error. We are all learning to be better friends, better partners, and better people, no matter what our age, challenges, and gifts. Entering the world of others is of course classic fodder for adolescent anguish, even for the most adept social players. In fact, navigating the social world can be so fraught with challenges that studies show nearly one-third of all adolescents struggle with friendships. Although not all of these teens have any particular documented challenges, approximately 30 percent of teens find it difficult to develop and maintain meaningful friendships often because of two social phenomena: peer rejection or social neglect.
Although the majority of teens in middle school or high school are able to develop and maintain meaningful friendships and experience a healthy amount of peer acceptance, research suggests that about a third of teens are not so fortunate. Within that unfortunate third lay a large number of teens struggling with social challenges, shyness, anxiety, behavioral problems, and neurodevelopmental issues, all of which can stand in the way of a robust social life. That means if your teen or young adult is struggling socially, he or she is not alone, sharing social difficulties with the rest of the third of the population. This also means that there is room for improvement–which is what PEERS was designed to address.
Peer Rejection and Social Neglect
Let's look more closely at what kinds of situations your teen or young adult is encountering. It might be useful to consider what your child's true challenges are. If we consider the different categories of peer acceptance during adolescence, as shown in figure 2.1, we see that there are generally four types. The majority of teens, approximately 55 percent, experience what we might call average acceptance, meaning that an average number of peers know them and like them. Then there are those teens who are well known and often well liked, also referred to as the popular kids, making up about 15 percent of adolescents in middle school and high school. Although not all popular kids are well liked, they are generally accepted by their peers. Finally, there are two major groups of adolescents who struggle with their social lives. Research suggests that approximately 15 percent of teens are peer rejected, meaning that they're excluded and possibly even disliked by the larger peer group. The other major group of adolescents struggling with their social world includes those who are socially neglected, making up the final 15 percent of the pie. These teens are also set apart from the larger peer group, not because they're intentionally excluded by others but because they rarely even attempt to engage their peers. If you're concerned about your child's ability to make and keep friends, with nearly one-third of young people struggling socially, chances are that your teen or young adult is likely struggling with peer rejection or social neglect.
Figure 2.1. Categories of Peer Acceptance
Peer Rejection
Research suggests that roughly 15 percent of teens fall into the peer-rejected category of peer acceptance. When peer rejection is the culprit, the social barrier comes in the form of intentional exclusion from the peer group, which not only occurs in adolescence but may also continue into adulthood. Peer-rejected teens and young adults are those who are actively seeking out their peers and trying to make friends but are actively rejected. Rejection may occur for multiple reasons. Perhaps they appear socially awkward or “weird” as judged by their peers or are considered social outcasts because of their obvious differences. They may be seen as intrusive and interfering during social interactions, possibly barging into conversations or talking about their own interests with little regard for their conversational partner. They may have behavior and emotion regulation problems, their actions appearing impulsive and uninhibited, as if they didn't think before acting. Or they may be hyperverbose, talking incessantly with little notice of the interests of others. Peer-rejected teens and adults also include those who see themselves as class clowns: constantly trying to make jokes, only no one else is laughing. Or if others are laughing, heartbreakingly, they're laughing at them, rather than with them. Teens and young adults exhibiting these behaviors are often branded with a bad reputation. Yet, although reputations can be branding, they need not be permanent. PEERS has helped teens and young adults struggling with peer rejection learn to tone it down, pay attention to social cues, and blend in and make room for their peers. The exercises at the end of each chapter in this book were designed to teach your child strategies for minimizing such behaviors.
Social Neglect
The approximately 15 percent of remaining teens struggling socially are called socially neglected. For these teens, social impairment comes in the form of withdrawal and social isolation and may persist beyond adolescence and into adulthood. Socially neglected teens and adults are those who tend to fall between the cracks, often unnoticed by their peers and even their teachers or supervisors. Seen as shy or withdrawn, they rarely approach others or speak up during conversations. Often described as timid or introverted, they sometimes even experience depression or anxiety. Because they rarely engage others, unlike those who are peer rejected, those who are socially neglected don't necessarily struggle with a bad reputation. In fact, they may not have a reputation at all. They're the forgotten ones, the ones who keep to themselves, don't bother others, and typically go unnoticed. Yet, just like peer-rejected teens and young adults, they struggle to make and keep friends, only the social drama for them happens internally rather than externally.
As a parent and ultimately your child's social coach, it will be helpful to consider where your teen or young adult falls on the social continuum of peer acceptance. Concrete clues for unraveling this mystery will be provided later but be aware that identifying how your teen or young adult is perceived and treated by others will be a critical element to helping him or her find a source of good friends.
Finding a Source of Good Friends
We often mistakenly think that all a person needs to be socially successful are good social skills but another important component of a healthy social life is having a source of good friends. It's not only essential that we have the skills to know how to behave socially, but we must also have access to people with shared mutual interests if we are to be socially successful. If the recipe for social success is measured by the development and maintenance of close and meaningful relationships, then we will need to combine these two critical ingredients.
Many social skills groups in the community attempt to help kids with social challenges by bringing these kids together in the hopes that friendships will develop in the group. We call these programs friendship-matching groups. These programs are essentially like dating services for friends, where kids turn up and parents hope there will be a match or a good fit. The problem with these types of programs is that they're not only failing to teach the critical skills needed for making and keeping friends but they also fail to teach kids how and where to find their own source of friends. This failure will quickly become apparent when the friendship matching group ends and the teen or adult no longer has access to this source of friends.
The first step in PEERS is not finding a friend or matching friends; rather, it has to do with stepping back a bit and observing the social milieu. We do this by becoming aware of the social surroundings in which we exist and seeing what's out there socially. Then we look for an appropriate pool of companions for our teens and young adults.
The Social Landscape of Adolescence and Adulthood
Within every social milieu, at all developmental levels, there are multiple levels of peer affiliations. At the smallest level of peer affiliation is the clique. This typically includes a few close friends, often identified as best friends. At the middle level of peer affiliation is the social group. This may include dozens of peers, all sharing some common interest. These social groups are often identified with a name or label, which defines their common interest. For example, one familiar social group in adolescence and young adulthood includes the jocks, who of course share a common interest in sports. Equally abundant are the gamers, who share a common interest in video games. Research shows that many socially accepted teens and young adults belong to more than one social group, floating naturally between different friendship networks and often finding their best friends from among these social groups. At the largest level of peer affiliation is the larger peer group. This group typically includes teens or young adults around the same age, made up of individuals from different cliques or social groups but who do not necessarily share common interests or socialize with one another. For adolescents, the larger peer group may include the entire student body of a school. For young adults, this may include all the students in their college setting or all the employees at their place of work.
