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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Fachliteratur
- Sprache: Englisch
This is a generous and profound book, a book worth sharing. It will stick with you for years to come.”
—Seth Godin, Author, The Practice
“Jeanette gives us the much-needed tools to listen for the small clues inside each of us that ask us to care for our mental health.”
—Steve Burns, Emmy-Nominated Actor, Original Host of Blue’s Clues
The world has changed, our lives have changed, and in recent years, our work has changed. Despite the disruption, our relationship and understanding of self-care have remained the same as we still see it as something fluffy or a perfect list of habits that we "do" alone outside of work to recover. But what if self-care wasn't something we "do"? What if self-care is a mindset that allows us to achieve peak performance, engagement, and growth without burning out and sacrificing our health and joy?
In The Self-Care Mindset, celebrated well-being and mindset expert Jeanette Bronée delivers an actionable and groundbreaking approach that challenges us to rethink self-care at work so we no longer have to choose between being healthy and being successful. With Jeanette’s inclusive approach to self-care, you will receive the tools to protect and unlock our most important resource: our humanity. You'll learn how to better manage stress, break free from living in survival mode, and navigate FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt) so you can harness change and grow by reclaiming agency and recovering what you care about.
You'll also:
- Discover proven frameworks and useful tools, like "Power Pausing," the "C.A.R.E. Framework," and "AAA"
- Find ways to move beyond the outdated concept of "work-life balance" to one of "work-life quality"
- Learn to build an ecosystem of relationships with yourself, with others, and with work itself.
Inclusion. Well-being. Care. This is the future of work. A future where well-being is the foundation for peak performance, engagement, and a culture where people belong and work better together by cultivating connection, communication, and collaboration.
A can't-miss resource for busy professionals and business leaders everywhere, The Self-Care Mindset will find its way into the hands of managers, executives, board members, and anyone else who struggles to be busy and find fulfillment and happiness in their working lives at the same time.
This is a generous and profound book, a book worth sharing. It will stick with you for years to come.”
—Seth Godin, Author, The Practice
“Jeanette gives us the much-needed tools to listen for the small clues inside each of us that ask us to care for our mental health.”
—Steve Burns, Emmy-Nominated Actor, Original Host of Blue’s Clues
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Seitenzahl: 380
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022
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Table of Contents
Cover
Praise for
The Self‐Care Mindset
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Introduction
We Don't Have to Accept the Way Things Are
The Painful Wake‐Up Call
Rethinking Self‐Care
Think, Engage, Act
PART I: Think — Rethinking Self‐Care at Work
CHAPTER 1: What If We Have Self‐Care All Wrong?
Are Our Beliefs About Self‐Care Getting in the Way of Self‐Care?
Rethinking Our Three Core Relationships
Demystifying Self‐Care
CHAPTER 2: Power‐Pausing
Pause, Listen, Ask
Your Mind on Pause
The Three Types of Power‐Pausing
The First Step of Power‐Pausing Is Learning to Breathe Again and Listen to Your Body
The Practice of Pausing on Purpose
Building Your Support System
Practicing the Pause
CHAPTER 3: Unstress to Get Unstuck
Are You Working and Living in Survival Mode?
Stress Is Like a Pothole
We Can't Control What Happens, But We Can Control How We Respond
CHAPTER 4: The “FUD” Is Real
FUD and Burnout Go Hand in Hand
Moving from FUD to Agency Takes Curiosity
FUD Is an Opportunity for Change
Intention Fuels Attention
Our Three Basic Questions
Working with the Fear
CHAPTER 5: Rethinking Time
“Yes, but I Don't Have Time”
It's a Matter of Time
Work Needs to Be Inclusive of What We Care About
Rethinking Boundaries: Changing What “On Company Time” Means
CHAPTER 6: Rethinking Peak Performance
Working Harder or Working Better?
Performance Is About Being Happy
Purpose, Goals, and Rethinking What Matters
Peak Performance Comes from What We Care About
Peak Performance Equity
We Each Value and Care About Different Things
CHAPTER 7: Rethinking Habits
Knowing What We Need to Do Isn't Enough
Disruption Is a Part of Life
To Change Our Habits, First We Need to Change the Way We Think
Reclaiming Agency over Our Habits
Know Your Triggers
Our Choices Are Based on Fear or Desire
CHAPTER 8: Self‐Care Is a (Growth) Mindset
Turning Change into Opportunity
Turning Discomfort into Comfort
Change the Question, Change the Outcome
What Do I Need Right Now So That I Can…?
Grow, Grow, Grow
PART II: Engage — The CARE Framework
CHAPTER 9: It's Who We Are That Makes Us Great
Care in Action
Passion and Purpose
The CARE Framework
CHAPTER 10: Self‐Communication
What's the Inner Critic?
“I'm Not Good Enough!”
“I Am” Versus “I Feel”
To Listen or Not to Listen
Turn Your Inner Critic into Your Inner Coach
Growing Pains
CHAPTER 11: Self‐Awareness
The Body on Stress
How to Get Body‐Scanning to Work for You
A Morning Routine
Being “Self‐Conscious” Versus Being “Conscious”
Emotional Self‐Awareness
Emotions Are Good
Emotions at Work
Emotions as Information
Emotional Respect
Emotional Agency
Self‐Awareness Is Also Self‐Acceptance
CHAPTER 12: Self‐Responsibility
“Yes, But…”
“Yes, And…”
Habit‐Shifting
We Don't Have to Fit into Our Habits; Our Habits Have to Fit Us
How to Make Your Habits Work for You
Foundational Self‐Care Habits
Plot Out Your Day
What Do You Need So That You Can…?
When You Feel the FUD
Working with the FUD
Motivation for Change
CHAPTER 13: Self‐Expression
Shame at Work
This Is Not a Fight; It's Communication
Ask for It
What, How, and Why It Matters
The Power of Venting
CARE‐Driven Venting
Being Authentic
Becoming You
PART III: ACT — Reclaiming Agency
CHAPTER 14: ACT with CARE
AAA: Resilience from the Inside Out
Acceptance and Reclaiming Agency
The Power of Being Aware, Adaptable, and Agile
AAA with Care
AAA on Purpose
CHAPTER 15: “Yes, And…Is There More?”
“Yes, and…” Building on Your Strengths
“Yes, and…” AAA as a Communication Tool
A Healthy Culture Is Built on Healthy Conversations
CHAPTER 16: From Me to We
Culture Is an Ecosystem
Was Maslow Wrong?
We Need Each Other
Self‐Care Works Better Together
The Future Is Human
Social‐Emotional Awareness in Our Hybrid World
Connecting in a Virtual World
To Care Is Our Human Advantage
CHAPTER 17: The Future Is About Work‐Life Quality
Belonging at Work
Work with Heart
Growth by Choice
Deconstruct to Build Better
“What Do You Need So You Can Cultivate Work‐Life Quality?
Falling in Love with You
CHAPTER 18: A Culture of CARE
®
Care Reaches All the Way to Your Customer
Moments of Presence
Grief at Work
Care Matters
What Will You Choose?
Care Is What Motivates Us, Not Fear
Self‐Care Is a Conversation; Let's Keep it Going
Care Makes Us Stronger Together
About the Author
Index
End User License Agreement
Guide
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Table of Contents
Begin Reading
About the Author
Index
Wiley End User License Agreement
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Praise for The Self‐Care Mindset
“This is a generous and profound book, a book worth sharing. It will stick with you for years to come.”
—Seth Godin, Author, The Practice
“When you change your relationship with work, everything changes. And Jeanette Bronée's brilliant book shows you how, regardless of your starting point. A must read for every individual and organization aspiring to live well and to work well.”
—Karen Mangia, Wall Street Journal Best‐Selling Author and Salesforce Executive
“The Self‐Care Mindset is a wonderful contribution to our world at this crucial moment in time. Jeanette gives us the tools to cut through the noise and reclaim agency over the drama in our minds that is burning many of us out.”
—Cy Wakeman, New York Times Best‐Selling Author of No Ego and Life's Messy, Live Happy
“If you, like me, grew up believing you could be anything you want to be, only to find yourself exhausted and burning out by the constant pursuit of the goals that have come to define you, then this book is a must‐read. Jeanette gives us the much‐needed tools to rethink what it means to use our minds and take a step at a time toward excellence, while showing us how to listen for the small clues inside each of us that ask us to care for our mental health along the way.”
—Steve Burns, Emmy‐Nominated Actor, Original Host of Blue Clues
“A pathway to healing and transformation, The Self‐Care Mindset is a must for anyone who cares about how they show up in life. Jeanette Bronée provides the kind of inquiry we all need and a shift toward the performance we all want.”
—Chris Westfall, Forbes contributor and author of Easier, Leadership Language and The NEW Elevator Pitch
“This is a book that will change your mind about emotional well‐being at work. Jeanette gives us the tools to change the conversation about self‐care so that we can unlock our greatness within.”
—Claude Silver, Chief Heart Officer, VaynerMedia, Keynote Speaker
“Jeanette Bronée—my friend, student, and teacher—in her new book, The Self‐Care Mindset, is asking all the right questions. Her framing of the pervasive self‐care paradigm is refreshing and potent. At the same time, rather than offering new age platitudes, she is proposing some simple and direct perspectives and actions that any of us can implement to upgrade our state of mind and act efficiently and with impact in the real world.”
—David Nichtern, Founder/CEO Dharma Moon, Author of Creativity, Spirituality & Making a Buck
“I have always admired how Jeanette can make the concept of self‐care so tangible and approachable. Many of us, myself included, struggle with burnout. We push ourselves so hard either because of the expectations we feel from others, or the ones we put on ourselves. The Self‐Care Mindset will give you all of the frameworks, questions, and tools you need to manage that invisible struggle. Jeanette presents all of it with depth, practicality, and compassion. As we seek to de‐stigmatize mental health struggles, learn to navigate an increasingly stressful world, and cultivate kind and safe workplaces, The Self‐Care Mindset should be on all of our bookshelves, but especially for those in leadership positions.”
—Jeff Gibbard, Author of The Lovable Leader: Build Great Teams with Trust, Respect, and Kindness
“Working over 20 years in the tech industry and 10 years as a leader at Google showed me that companies reward one behavior above all others: consistent peak performance. How do we achieve it without burning out and giving up on our family, friends, and our health? The Self‐Care Mindset is a highly original book that provides the questions and accessible tools to allow us to do just that. It gives us the strategies to harness our strength, heart, and mindset to thrive in the modern workplace while protecting our most important resource: our humanity.”
—Jorge Giraldo, Founder and Head Coach of Genminds.co, Former Google Executive.
“This is a generous and profound book, a book worth sharing. It will stick with you for years to come.”
—Seth Godin, Author, The Practice
RETHINKING HOW WE CHANGE and GROW, HARNESS WELL‐BEING, and RECLAIM WORK‐LIFE QUALITY
The SELF‐CARE MINDSET
JEANETTE BRONÉE
Copyright © 2023 by Jeanette Bronée. All rights reserved.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.
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Library of Congress Cataloging‐in‐Publication Data is Available:
ISBN 9781119986850 (Cloth)ISBN 9781119986881 (ePub)ISBN 9781119986898 (ePDF)
Cover Image and Design: WileyAuthor Photography: Torkil StavdalGraphics: Jenny L Miles
To my mom, who taught me that mental health is about listening to the heart.
To my dad, who taught me that curiosity is the fuel of life and leadership is listening with the heart.
Acknowledgments
How do I thank everyone who has been part of getting me to the point of having created The Self‐Care Mindset®? This book is a collection of life experiences and people I have met along the way. It's here because of teachers and mentors who have guided me. It's here because of people who have supported me and people who have not. People who have inspired me, some by believing in me, some who don't even know that they have. We learn and grow from all of it. This book is the cause and effect of every decision and choice I have ever made and every person who has been part of my life—some in small ways, some in big moments. Thank you for being a part of a journey that keeps evolving. I continue to learn and remain curious; it is a promise I have made to myself, but I cannot accomplish it on my own. This can only be done with people who are willing to show up and care.
However, this book would not be what it is without my absolutely awesome writing coach and editor, Michael Thompson, who told me there's no way we can write a good book in 72 days, and then accepted the challenge. He went through his own life's curveballs and didn't abandon me in the midst of it. He also got his own book deal while helping me write mine, and he stayed on. Thank you for helping me make a good book, Michael. I'm proud of the work we did, and I appreciate that you let me use the tools I teach, when we might have gotten stuck in the FUD of being able to make this happen. And thank you for accepting my sometimes messy thoughts, too many ideas, and giving me your honest feedback so that we made sense of everything I wanted to share here on these pages. Thank you to Stephen Moore for jumping on board and catching up to help us get to the finish line on time.
Thank you to Rochelle Rice, who is always my feedbacker when I need to process my fears and my thoughts. Thank you to Chelsea and Taylor, who would cook dinner when I was tired from traveling, speaking, and writing all at the same time, and who would listen to me and share the hope that we can change work. Your enthusiasm helped me focus on what I care about and why this book matters. Thank you to my spiritual teacher, Peter Levie, who kept reminding me to open my heart while writing to let more of me come through. Thank you to Diane April, who came to take care of me after my skin‐cancer surgery. I was able to recover with ease and get back to writing the book, reminding me that life‐long friends continue to show up with the one potion that heals you faster—love. Thank you to Michael and Amy Port who have been part of the two major transitions in my life and have given me tools to reinvent myself, which in 2016 culminated in becoming a TEDx and global keynote speaker. Thank you to Torkil Stavdal for his masterful photography, always making me shine and, without fail, stepping up to take care of Maya when I need to be on the road. Thank you to Ferrazz, who has cut my hair for more than 30 years and even travels on his motorcycle with scissors in his backpack because I'm in town for just a day and also showed up the day my dad died to help me out.
Thank you to everyone who has ever said, “You can ask me for help.” And thank you to friends who have called me while writing this book to tell me how awesome they think it is that I get to share my work, which has grown so much over the past 18 years into being able to share it with you. It's a privilege that I have so much gratitude for. Thank you to clients who have trusted me to guide and coach them through the years. Thank you to the companies that hire me to help them change their culture because it matters for our shared future.
And lastly, thank you to Brian Neill from Wiley who contacted me and said, there's a book missing in this world, and I think you are the one to write it.
Life is a reminder that a book is for the people who read it, not the person who writes it. Essentially this is not my book, it's your book, and I hope it will be like a friend on your journey.
Thank you for caring and sharing.
Introduction
“Being human is not a problem to solve; it's an advantage to harness.”
It happened at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday. As always, I was at work. I called my mom to ask what time my dad's flight would arrive from Denmark. He was returning to NYC where he was staying with me to continue his chemo treatment for bladder cancer at Memorial Sloan Kettering. My mom had decided to stay behind in Denmark after having just gone through radiation for her third bout with breast cancer. Yes, you read that correctly—both my parents were battling cancer at the same time in two different countries.
That morning, she could barely speak. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she couldn't breathe and was on her way to the hospital. It all happened so fast. I told her to hurry. When the call came an hour later, notifying me that she had died in the ambulance at 11:05 a.m., I finished my work, told my team I'd be gone for a few days and went home to prepare to tell my dad about her passing.
I can still remember waiting for my dad to arrive at my apartment. It was the hardest day of my life. My mom had died only a few hours earlier, and with no time to process it, all I could think of was how I was going to tell my dad that she had died alone while he was on a plane.
No matter what I did, I couldn't fix the pain. No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore it either.
The only thing I could do was sit there and wait for him to arrive. And all we could do was cry together once I was finally able to tell him. I didn't get to say goodbye to my mom. I wish in that moment I had told her I loved her but we didn't say those words to each other. Our relationship had always been difficult and remained so even though I was now an adult. As for my dad, he told me they had fought before he left for the airport so he hadn't said a proper good‐bye either.
Had I known then what I know now, I would have paused and taken time away from my fast‐paced fashion executive job when my mom asked me to meet for lunch or go Christmas shopping with her. I would have taken time off to go back to Denmark and be with her during her treatment. I would have said no to being available 24/7 for business phone calls during dinner with my parents. I would have thanked my mom for ensuring my home was taken care of while I was at work and the two of them awaited their next treatment cycle.
I would have.
I could have.
I should have.
We Don't Have to Accept the Way Things Are
Throughout our early years, we gather beliefs about who we are and what is expected of us while telling ourselves many stories to try to navigate our lives. The problem is that until much later in life, rather than question these beliefs and stories we are told, we tend to accept them as the way things are and the way we should be.
Early on I was trained to believe that my emotions were an inconvenience and it was best to keep my feelings and tears to myself. It ran in the family. My grandfather, a big, burly man who had little time for emotions, was a butcher in Denmark. My great‐grandfather was similar to my grandfather, except he was a blacksmith. Growing up, they were my image of what it meant to be resilient. And little me believed that to get through life, I had to be tough like them.
I felt isolated as a kid and was bullied at school. It made me an angry teenager who acted tough to show I didn't care what other people thought about me. Family life was equally disconnected, including several suicide attempts by my mother when I was a teenager, which she would sometimes blame on me for not being a nice and caring daughter. She was bipolar but refused treatment because she thought that meant she would be considered insane. As a teenager, I felt responsible for her moods and behavior and as I progressed into adulthood, I continued to put up a front to ignore the impact of her mental illness. I was what I thought it meant to be tough and resilient, at home, in life, and at work.
Like so many people, my reality was that I had a lot of ideas about what my life “should” be like and who I was “supposed” to be. I adopted different personalities for the simple fact that I wanted to be someone I wasn't and I was hiding my sensitive side. This mindset stuck as I advanced in my career. I worked 24/7 and pushed through challenges by sucking it up and keeping my emotions under wraps to reach my professional goals and what I thought my peers expected of me. The closest I got to any resemblance of “self‐care” was taking a little time for lunch, which meant eating at my desk while working and downing coffee to stay awake and energized enough to feel an ounce of motivation.
Unfortunately, I'm not alone in feeling or acting this way. Society has taught us that we have to be focused and resilient to perform at our best. We can't waste time on things that are not related to work, and we believe that expressing our emotions means being overly sensitive, which is often viewed as a weakness. We think showing emotion is opening ourselves to being vulnerable, leaving us open to attacks, and at times, being shamed or leaving us feeling ashamed for having emotions in the first place.
For me though, accepting the way things are—or at least how I envisioned them in my head—came to a full stop the day my mom died, and my father received a terminal diagnosis the same year.
The Painful Wake‐Up Call
My dad and I sat together at the doctor's office as we were told that there was nothing left they could do for his cancer and that he only had a few weeks to live. My journey of self‐care and definition of what it means to be resilient changed forever over the months that I was the caregiver for my dad as he approached the end of his life. Our conversations transformed me. They were a gift. It was the most difficult and also the most beautiful time of my life. I learned how to be vulnerable and talk about my emotions in a whole new way. We both did. We reminisced about our good times and our most cherished memories while also talking about our past intentions and how we interpreted each other's actions. For example, for 40 years, I never thought we'd actually hugged before and physically embraced in a loving way. I viewed him patting my shoulders when we hugged as him telling me that enough was enough, when in reality, he was trying to convey I was enough and he loved me.
Prior to these conversations, I thought resilience was to ignore my feelings. But this time with my dad opened my eyes to the power of using my feelings as information to cultivate connection and communicate in a way that allowed me not only to understand myself better, but also others. For those five months, we talked about life choices, work, ambitions, goals, regrets, what we care about, what matters in the end, and what it means to love.
As a result, I started asking myself a lot of questions; questions my dad had taught me to ask that allowed for more curiosity, clarity, and courage to emerge. He always told me that the most important skill in life is to learn to listen, truly listen. This is especially true when listening to what we don’t say because that’s how we start to listen with our heart. I really love this message, and I began practicing it after my parents' deaths. It has changed my life.
I wanted to be of service and I wanted to do work that matters to both me and to others. During this process, for the first time in my life I really dug into myself by asking questions like:
“How do I want to spend my days?”
“What would work‐life quality look like for me?”
“What is something I would love doing for years to come?”
“What would I look back on and be proud to have done or achieved?”
“What would I do even if I wasn't paid for it?”
“How do I live a rich life, not abundant in money, but in meaningful relationships, starting with the one I have with myself?”
I realized that always learning and growing was important to me. I loved change and solving problems. My eyes also opened to how much I cared about health, especially mental health because of how my mom's struggle with bipolar disorder had affected my life. Lastly, I wanted work to be an important part of my life. I began to make different choices. I left my job as a burned‐out fashion executive, and I went back to school to learn how to help people be healthy and busy at the same time because I think we deserve to have it all.
Two decades have passed since I made that decision. Since that time, my work rethinking self‐care at work has taken me into countless boardrooms and family rooms across the globe. I've given talks on the subject on hundreds of stages and worked one‐on‐one with thousands of coaching clients from CEOs of multinationals to entrepreneurs and start‐ups to help them reclaim agency over their lives.
As I turn 60 this year, I still ask a lot of myself. I keep using my own tools to stay curious and to keep learning what I need so that I can keep growing and be at my best as I age. I often thank my body for being good to me as we've become a good team and thoughtful of each other. Minus a few wrinkles and back kinks, today I feel better than I did in my 30s when I was fighting against myself to work harder. I'm no longer willing to choose between my career, my friends, and my health. I want it all. And I need self‐care for that. We all do.
But in order for self‐care to work better for us, we need to unlearn, rethink, and redefine self‐care in our new and constantly changing world.
Rethinking Self‐Care
Before we dive in, I want to be clear that this is not a book of answers, but rather a book of questions. We each need to uncover and define what works best for us on our individual journeys and there are already mountains of self‐help books and prescriptions for self‐care. But as burnout rates continue to escalate, it's clear they aren't working for us. At least not for very long, as the moment life gets tough, instead of caring for ourselves, we prioritize work and then rinse and repeat with each new challenge we meet.
Most people think that we just need to know what to do and then we will do it. In my experience, that's not how it works. If we don't come to the answer ourselves, we resist. If we are honest about it, we hate being told what to do, don't we? That's human nature and there's nothing wrong with you for struggling with that.
I always say self‐care is a relationship we have with ourselves, and for that relationship to be a healthy one, we need to have healthy conversations with ourselves. We need to be curious and kind, and we need to learn to listen better before we respond. After all, being human isn't a problem to solve, it's an advantage to harness.
Think, Engage, Act
We have three core relationships: the one we have with ourselves, the one we have with others, and the one we have with work, which all overlap with our physical, emotional, and mental well‐being. In the pages that follow, we are going to explore how these three core aspects of self and our lives interconnect as how we think, engage, and act. The key is that we learn to connect and communicate better with ourselves and each other to ultimately collaborate better by having the tools to be whole humans at work, at home, and on the go.
It is time we stop thinking of ourselves as not good enough, not doing enough, and that we are a problem to solve. Let's take reality by the horns and instead create a better work‐life quality so that we can be who we are meant to be.
To kick things off, in Part I we will challenge the way we THINK about self‐care. We will explore what we believe about self‐care and how it might be what gets in the way of us actually “doing” self‐care. We will also explore how the body and mind work under stress and what we need to rethink the way we function to better harness our human advantage. We will be introduced to a tool I developed called Power‐Pausing, which we will be turning to throughout the book as it's the foundation for helping us reclaim agency to connect, communicate, and collaborate better with ourselves and others.
In Part II we move into the ENGAGE aspect of the book. This is where we learn the CARE framework, which consists of self‐communication, self‐awareness, self‐responsibility, and self‐expression. I have developed this framework over the years of working with people one‐on‐one using different tools that I learned partly through studying and getting certified in using different modalities and partly through learning how to overcome challenges in my own life. We will also explore how to cultivate tools to navigate the realities of stress and face the FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt) in the workplace to not just get through life feeling less beat up by it, but rather learning how to use it in a productive care‐driven way.
We have to stop waiting for things to change and instead change how we deal with what is to create the change we want to see. That's what Part III, ACT, is about. We will pull together the learnings from the previous two parts to harness our choices, behaviors, and actions. We will dig into another framework I developed called AAA (Acknowledge, Accept, Ask) to build our resilience and learn tools to make better and faster decisions to truly harness what it means to be a whole human at work. You will see how everything is interconnected and everything is a relationship and how the key to our well‐being is to make all our relationships work better for us.
The future of work demands something different from us. And let's face it, we want something different from the future of work too. Instead of being a place that burns us out, what if work was a place that feeds, fuels, helps us grow, and live better lives?
Learning how to use The Self‐Care Mindset® is about both personal and professional growth. The tools will help you continue to change, grow, and evolve your relationship with work without losing your self and health. It's the key that unlocks your human advantage so you can let work and life merge in a healthy, productive, and constructive way.
PART IThink — Rethinking Self‐Care at Work
CHAPTER 1What If We Have Self‐Care All Wrong?
“Self‐care is not something we do after work to recover; it's how we work better all day long so we don't have to recover.”
In 2019, the self‐care industry surpassed $10 billion in revenue and is still growing steadily. Since the COVID‐19 pandemic, online searches for self‐care‐related topics and products have increased by 250 percent. The market is booming and apps, hacks, snacks, creams, bath salts, diets, juices and a mountain of other products and services entice people looking for help. Most of us are looking for answers to help us survive our lives a little better, avoid the burnout and exhaustion we feel, or discover diet options to lose the COVID‐15 we put on during lockdown. As conversations about mental health have increased, there's been a rallying cry to care for our physical, emotional, and mental well‐being.
But it's not working, is it?
Instead, we have an entire population feeling burned out, frazzled, and thinking spa treatments, bubble baths, and aromatic candles will somehow make our problems go away. Prior to COVID, we were already experiencing a public health epidemic. We have to ask if taking time off to pamper ourselves to recover from work is really sustainable and how we really want to live. After all, many of us feel like nothing has changed after taking a few days off; within a day or two of returning to work, our vacation often feels like a distant memory.
It took me two burnouts and losing both of my parents within a year to cancer before I realized that self‐care is a daily mindset, not something we do only on weekends to recover from a stressful week. Socrates introduced us to self‐care in ancient Greece as knowing ourselves so that caring for ourselves is how we can care for loved ones. The sense that self‐care is not just about us has been part of the human condition since we appeared on earth. Buddhism speaks about compassion for ourselves so that we can have compassion for others. We are all interconnected.
Self‐care is not just about self. It's about care.
When searching for self‐care online, millions of results come up. If you look for the official definition, we see self‐care mentioned in relation to healthcare, and as such, it's no longer preventive but rather sick care. Baths didn't cure my worries or ease the pain of losing my parents. Lighting candles never helped me forget looming deadlines either. Does that work for you?
I used to believe being overly stressed at work came with the job and wore it as a badge of honor. I never once questioned sacrificing my personal life to be successful. Nor did I question sacrificing my health to reach my professional goals. Like a lot of people, I accepted that work hurts. But after my parents passed, and I was warned that it was only a matter of time before I'd get cancer too. I decided it was time to reclaim agency over my health, my life, and my career.
Around the globe, we're seeing this played out in real‐time with the Great Resignation. People are fed up and tired, and they're leaving their workplaces in droves, thinking a career change is going to fix the problem or to simply rethink what matters most. Sure, money is one factor, but for most, it's because they feel overworked and undervalued. They're burned out and realizing there are more important aspects to life besides a paycheck. They want to reclaim their health and nourish personal relationships every day, not just from time to time. While this crisis seems to be a major issue, it's actually a positive thing that we're talking about it because that means we can do something about it.
Leaving work and reinventing ourselves shouldn't be the solution to preventing burnout and taking back our joy. We have to change the way we work. We have to rethink self‐care and what it means to be resilient so we are no longer forced to choose between our health, well‐being, relationships, or our careers.
The challenge we face today is not finding work‐life balance but cultivating work‐life quality. This is why we need to demystify self‐care so we no longer have to choose between work and life.
Are Our Beliefs About Self‐Care Getting in the Way of Self‐Care?
The world has changed, our lives have changed, and in recent years, our work has changed. Despite the disruption, our relationship and understanding of self‐care have remained the same.
We think of self‐care as a retreat or something fluffy. But what if instead, we thought self‐care was for focused and committed individuals who want to perform consistently at their peak without burning out?
We think of self‐care as a side‐hustle—something we do after work to recover. But what if instead, we thought of self‐care as how we work better, so we don't have to recover?
We think of self‐care as something we do when we have time. But what if instead, we thought of self‐care as giving us time back because we spend it better?
We think of self‐care as a list of perfect habits to do. But what if instead, we thought of self‐care as a mindset that helps us better navigate stress?
We think of self‐care as something we do alone. But what if instead, we thought of self‐care as the key to building a better and healthier culture?
On and on these paradoxes go. On top of this, we think the cure for burnout is taking time off and our emotions should be hidden or suppressed. But we don't just burn out from working too much, we burn out from worrying too much and our emotions are the last thing we should ignore as they are what defines us as human beings and are the doorway to cultivating connection, communication, and collaboration.
When you look at these paradoxes and misconceptions surrounding self‐care and burnout, isn't it clear why self‐care isn't working for us? In fact, people think of self‐care as a luxury for those with money and time to spare, so no wonder it doesn't help us during stressful events. Or we assume self‐care is selfish. In reality, self‐care is about asking better questions so that we can know ourselves better, which is something we all need because we are all human beings, and we don't come with a one‐size‐fits‐all manual.
Consider that we haven't rethought how we work since the Industrial Revolution. Back then, people began working feverishly to compete with machines. Not much has changed, has it? We're still trying to keep up with the speed of technology and hack time by abandoning our humanity while leaving behind our self‐care the moment we get busy. Even when we're not working, we live in a culture that praises constant activity in our quest to do more, be more, and achieve more.
It's no surprise that we think of self‐care as something we do. But it's not something we do. It's who we are. Self‐care is not about fixing ourselves; it's about finding our way back home to ourselves.
Rethinking Our Three Core Relationships
We have three core relationships—the one we have with ourselves, the one we have with others, and the one we have with work. Traditionally, we separate these three relationships, juggle them, and do our best to prioritize them. But in our new world, the lines between these relationships have evaporated and are bleeding into each other like never before.
No matter how we spin it, when times get tough, most of us put our work first, personal relationships second, and if we're lucky, lastly, maybe spend some time on ourselves. By continually placing ourselves last though, we won't solve the current burnout crisis. Think about it. While we may like, clap, or leave supportive comments on LinkedIn when someone says, “I'm taking a self‐care day,” the reality remains that nothing is changing and it certainly won't improve if we keep thinking of self‐care as time off.
What's happening here? How did we end up this way? Of course, it's a step forward that we claim time for self‐care. But we're still operating from an old mindset about what self‐care is and seeing it as an escape from our day‐to‐day lives to recharge instead of taking charge and treating self‐care as the foundation for achieving our goals.
What we need to recognize is that no matter how hard we try to separate ourselves from our tasks and relationships, we are not separate. We—as individuals—are at the core of all our relationships, and this affects all aspects of our interactions in work and life.
