Unicorn E-Book

Mike Bartlett

• Herausgeber: Nick Hern Books
• Kategorie: Poesie und Drama
• Serie: NHB Modern Plays
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 88

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

'My point is we're at the frontier here. No one knows. And I find that really fucking exciting.' Polly and Nick have it all. Happily married, two children, successful careers. And yet there's something missing… something rare and unforeseen… waiting to add a much-needed sparkle… Unicorn by Mike Bartlett is an explicit, funny and provocative play, which was first performed at the Garrick Theatre in London's West End in 2025. It was directed by James Macdonald and starred Nicola Walker, Stephen Mangan and Erin Doherty.

Leseprobe

Mike Bartlett

UNICORN

NICK HERN BOOKS

London

www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

Contents

Original Production Information

Thanks

Unicorn

About the Author

Copyright and Performing Rights Information

Unicorn was first performed at the Garrick Theatre, London, on 13 February 2025 (previews from 4 February), with the following company:

POLLY

Nicola Walker

NICK

Stephen Mangan

KATE

Erin Doherty

Understudies

NICK

Nicholas Cowell

KATE

Phoebe Marshall

POLLY

Imogen Slaughter

Director

James Macdonald

Set & Costume Designer

Miriam Buether

Lighting Designer

Natasha Chivers

Sound Designer

Paul Groothuis

Casting Director

Amy Ball CDG

Intimacy Director

Yarit Dor

Associate Director

Sammy J Glover

Associate Designer

Joana Dias

Casting Associate

Arthur Carrington

Production Manager

Kate West

Costume Supervisor

Olivia Ward

Props Supervisor

Mary Halliday

Voice Coach

Hazel Holder

Company Stage Manager

Matt Henry

Deputy Stage Manager

Phyllys Egharevba

Assistant Stage Manager (Book Cover)

Bella Kelaidi

Head of Wardrobe

Keshini Ranasinghe

Deputy Head of Wardrobe

Tanya Aanderaa

Head of Sound

Katie Weatherley

Producers

Kate Horton Nica Burns

Associate Producer

Imogen Clare-Wood

General Manager

Laurence Miller

Assistant General Manager

Marissa Garbo

Production Coordinator

Alice Harvey

PR

Jo Allan PR

Marketing

AKA

Thanks

I am hugely grateful for the support of many people in the writing of this play.

In particular, Nica Burns, Dominic Cooke, Kate Horton, James Macdonald, Harriet Pennington Legh, Nina Segal, Penelope Skinner, Rachel Wagstaff, and especially, Clare Lizzimore.

M. B.

Characters

POLLY

NICK

KATE

Note on the Text

( / ) means the next speech begins at that point.

( – ) means the next line interrupts.

(…) at the of a speech means it trails off. On its own it indicates a pressure, expectation or desire to speak.

A line with no full stop at the end indicates that the next speech follows on immediately.

A speech with no written dialogue indicates a character deliberately remaining silent.

This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals and so may differ slightly from the play as performed.

ACT ONE

One

POLLY I don’t know, I’m a freelancer they sent me policy documents I had to tick the box but I’ve been teaching in different – and I’m busy and – I mean I don’t do anything obviously I know I’m not a sex pest; you might be, but that’s not the point because apparently I’m the one with the power in this situation – which I’d question I mean in any reasonable organisation these days you would be believed, if I touched you, and even if you weren’t there’s… Twitter – this is why so many teachers defer to their students now, they’re absolutely terrified – I wouldn’t have wanted my teachers to defer to me in my twenties in my twenties I was an utter moron I didn’t know anything, anyway I didn’t read the policy is the point so fair warning Kate it’s entirely possible this is on some level inappropriate. Before we’ve had a sip of anything. It’s entirely possible that what’s happening now with your Bombay Sapphire and my lime and soda constitutes some low-level abuse.

KATE Political correctness gone mad.

POLLY Oh fuck off I know the value of of it – I had enough priapic touchy middle-aged letches after me for a lifetime, but equally we’re human beings who have fucking juice and you’re not going to be able to fully tidy that up, people simply want to fuck each other, don’t they, often.

KATE Absolutely.

POLLY put any group of people together there’s thousands of sex thoughts flying around like some virus that’s not the crime, the crime is doing something when one of the parties doesn’t want it. Anyway we totally agree, let’s not play pin the fuck-up on the ageing… hag.

KATE How is it?

POLLY Age? Unrelenting.

KATE Your lime and soda.

POLLY Oh.

Fizzy.

How’s your… Sapphire?

KATE Wet

POLLY smiles.

We socialise with the staff in the bar all the time, not all the time, but I mean we’re mid-late-twenties, grown-ups, you know so –

I think they’ve actually got the balance here quite well.

Love that. Sex thoughts like a virus. Something you can catch.

POLLY Well that’s the fear now, isn’t it?

Dangerous bodies

Everywhere you turn.

KATE Love that!

POLLY I’m just talking Kate.

KATE Poets never just talk.

POLLY It’s all they do.

KATE It was so good by the way.

People are always emphasising the greatness, the what,

But you just did the craft.

The How, not the why or ‘what does it mean’

POLLY You can’t play the piano without knowing your…

KATE Onions

POLLY Scales.

KATE You’re a fantastic teacher.

POLLY It’s my job.

KATE No, you’re a poet.

POLLY There’s nine poets in the country that make any kind of living and not a single one of them is me. I don’t mind teaching. I like being around people. Keeps you on your…

KATE Toes

POLLY On point rather than resting on your…

KATE Laurels?

POLLY I hoped you’d say arse.

KATE Arse.

POLLY

KATE You look sad.

POLLY You don’t. You’re like a light bulb, eyes like pencils, every dimension of you pert and sprung like a queen-size mattress floods of joy bubbling out any which way, look at you, fresh and ripe, forced to sit across the table from this ancient sack of –

KATE No one’s forcing me.

POLLY Rotten fruit.

KATE Just a bad day I’m sure.

POLLY No actually my day’s been pretty good.

This isn’t a feeling, it’s a state

My problem isn’t that I feel old, it’s what happens in the mirror.

It’s not comparing your age with other people that’s worrying – that happens quite early – it’s when you start wondering if you’re older than objects. That wall, this chair. When you realise whole buildings have been erected and knocked down again in the time you’ve been on the planet. Do I have to call you Kate? I should find you a nickname.

KATE You’re not old, you’re what? Thirty-five?

POLLYLiar.

KATE What?

POLLY You know how / old I am.

KATE Okay but / you’re –

POLLY I’m a horror show, a travesty of the pictures you’ve seen on the website, I know what you see because I think it myself, I don’t meet someone for five, ten years, then when I do they’ve got lines, here, and here, a little more weight or a lot more weight, I look at them, pity them, poor fucker, age has got them.

We call it age, but really it’s the early symptoms of death isn’t it?

KATE Philip Larkin was terrified of death.

POLLY He’s not now.

KATE smiles.

God you don’t know what that’s like.

KATE What?

You’re in great shape,

but even if you weren’t, it’s your mind that’s the important thing.

If you’ll forgive me I think your latest collection is your best.

POLLY My latest collection is excellent.

KATE Okay so you’re really just talking about the physical.

POLLY But everything’s physical

Really.

Isn’t it?

KATE I don’t think so.

Beat.

POLLY The young aspire to the mind because they take the body for granted.

That doesn’t last.

You start to realise.

In the end

Everything’s sensuous.

KATE There’s only a few years’ difference between us, I don’t –

POLLY You ever seen a dead body?

KATE No.

POLLY Dead anything? Dog. Mouse.

KATE Roadkill, from a car?

POLLY I’m talking right in front of you.

Requiring of attention.

Having to lift it, bury it whatever?

KATE We didn’t have pets.

Mum had allergies.

(Think she had an allergy to me actually.)

So no, I don’t –

POLLY There’s one-way doors.

Portals on the conveyor belt you can never pass back through:

Having kids.

Losing your parents.

I think there’s smaller ones too:

Seeing a dead body for the first time.

Being hit, hard, in the face.

These experiences change your whole world,

Instantly and forever.

Calcify your demeanour.

Put grit

In your joy.

KATE I’ve not got kids, my parents are alive, no dead bodies,

POLLY Smile again.

KATE Never been hit. What?

POLLY Smile.

KATE Can’t fake it.

POLLY Of course you can you’re a woman.

KATE Well say something funny.

POLLY I’m married.

KATE That’s not funny.

POLLY It’s hilarious

Beat.

KATE Are your parents alive?

POLLY Not that I can tell.

KATE What does that mean?

POLLY Only that I’m trying to impress you. No they’re long gone. And yes I’ve been hit in the face a fair few times before you ask.

KATE Dead bodies?

POLLY Nine.

KATE Wow.

POLLY Enough people die in your life you start to wonder if it’s something you’re doing.

Beat.

KATE You’re really not happy with your husband?

I thought –

POLLY I’m very happy with my husband.

KATE You just said he was hilarious.

POLLY I said my marriage was hilarious.

KATE We should go and see one.

POLLY A marriage?

KATE A dead body.

POLLY Is there a difference?

KATE We’ll say it’s research.

We’re writers.

Go to a morgue.

Funeral home.

Get the consent of the family.

One-way door.

I can tick it off the list.

We should do it right now.

POLLY Right now? Like, this minute?

KATE This second.

POLLY Why rush?

KATE Why wait?

POLLY Sometimes the future is preferable.

KATE The future’s a guess.

Now’s a promise.

POLLY She-Ra.

I name you She-Ra.

Princess of Power. You know who she is?

KATE Yes.

POLLY Really?

KATE Of course I do.

POLLY You don’t,

KATE Let’s go.

POLLY You don’t have a clue.

KATE Let’s go!

Two

NICK Not in the mood.

POLLY ‘Not in the mood.’

NICK Right

POLLY Not vibing in the zone –

NICK Well I could probably manage to get the blood down there if you were desperate?

POLLY Yes I’m desperate.

NICK Get it vaguely erect and you could stick it in, ride it –

POLLY Okay then.

NICK But in all honesty, Pol, to do that reliably,

Right in this moment,

I’d have to conjure something else other than you.

POLLY Something else?

NICK No I mean –

POLLY What are we talking? A / llama or –

NICK Someone else.

POLLY Someone else right.

NICK A llama?

POLLY Why wouldn’t you just… conjure me?

NICK Because if you’re here you don’t / need conjuring?

POLLYYou know what / I’m asking.

NICK Because you’re hostile.

POLLYhostile well yes and let’s do the list I’m also frustrated, confused, disappointed –

NICK And drunk.

POLLY Who would you think about then?

In your head.

To maintain this coerced blood flow?

NICK I suppose there’s Viagra, we could –

POLLY Fuck Viagra I want to get in your head.

NICK There’s been a

Trailing-off.

I mean everything fades as you get older.

POLLY Jesus Nick sounds like you’re ninety.

NICK There’s nothing else in life you choose when you’re twenty-four and say that’s the only thing, that’s it, that’s my one.

Everything else you change and experiment and upgrade and –

POLLY Upgrade?

NICK