Unplanned & Imperfect E-Book

Nathalie Fortmann

• Herausgeber: novum publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 296

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

Being a mother is hard. Especially nowadays, when most women have to juggle motherhood with their careers. This often seems like an impossible task, because being a mother is a full-time job in itself, but with perseverance, courage and, above all, the support of family, it is possible. Nathalie Fortmann's story is marked by serious setbacks, but she did not let them stop her. Time and again, she picked herself up and carried on, for the sake of her children and, not least, for herself.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Imprint

Foreword

Dedication

Welcome to my little universe.

Chapter 1

My childhood and the butterflies that shaped me

Of pink peas with a heartbeat, pizza on my wedding night and my first marriage

The single parent

Because you are my life

Feelings of motherhood - a rollercoaster ride in an endless loop

June 6, 2018 and the seconds that changed everything

Hannah

Celine alias Liniboo

Louis aka Loubiboo

Rosa aka Rosaboo

Mom

Grandpa

In myself

Another notch in the blank

Chaos in my head

Girlfriends and other disasters

Letters with meaning

What I always wanted to tell you

L, love of my life

A letter to myself

Between here and now

Farewell

Reliability

What we really want

Together instead of alone

Imprint

Any inconsistencies in the text are due to the fact that it was translated using computer-aided technology for a company-wide study.

© 2025 novum publishing gmbh

Rathausgasse 73, A-7311 Neckenmarkt

[email protected]

Foreword

The question that keeps popping up in my mind as I write this book: Why should anyone read this?

We are not in school, where it is our job to write an essay and the teacher is forced to read and evaluate the words strung together afterwards.

At some point, or rather many years ago, I made the decision to write these lines. Initially, I wanted to write this book to balance out my everyday life as a working mother. My passion for words and texts helped me get started. But things turned out differently - as they so often do in life.

After a stroke of fate and a very traumatic experience, writing this book was therapy for me. And it still is today.

I am a freedom-loving person who is open to everything and yet very closed. It took me years to come to terms with my feelings and emotions.

Today I think: if I can help just one person who reads this book through my description and strengthen them through my story, then it was worth all the inner work and nights at the PC.

With this book, I want to encourage people, especially women, break taboos, draw attention to grievances and spread love into the world. I want to show how beautiful it is to feel true love and that it doesn't always have to work at the first attempt.

Every word written here comes from my pen. From the depths of my heart and from my carousel of thoughts "Tender on the edge of madness s".

I thank every person in my life for being part of this template, whether positive or negative. There are few things that move people, but words have that power. I hope that I can find a way to your heart, at least for a little while. That my story will encourage you, no matter where you are in life.

Dedication

For Hannah, Celine, Louis and Rosa,

You are my life. I fight for you, I fall for you, I get up again for you.

For L.

Without you this book would not exist, without you I would not be who I am today. Thank you for everything.

I love you.

And as Beethoven wrote in a love letter to his immortal beloved, I also say to you: "Eternally yours. Eternally mine. Eternally ours."

Thanks to life, which teaches me every day anew how worth living it is.

Thanks to the loved ones who accompany me every day, listen to me and stand by my side without despairing.

Welcome to my little universe.

I am Nathalie, currently 37 years old, a native of Düsseldorf, mother of four children, managing director, founder and for years a moderately heavy but very happy bundle of nerves with a chronic lack of sleep.

Why am I writing these lines?

There are actually several reasons.

Among other things, I want to encourage people, especially women like perhaps you, with my not entirely unmoved story. I want to show that it is possible to reconcile family and career, even if it is not always easy and can be a huge effort.

I am revealing a lot with these very personal and intimate lines. It is a risk that I am taking for myself and also for you. In this book, I give an insight into my innermost self, into my inner life, in order to dispel prejudices and at the same time give hope for real love.

My story shows that large families are wonderful and not antisocial. And that a woman who has given birth to four children does not have to have lost control of her contraception.

I also want to tell you that love can work the second time around and that relationships can work even at a distance and with a big age difference (or perhaps precisely because of this).

In short, I'll tell you about our colorful, chaotic universe. And I'm happy if one or the other can take something away from my experiences. Or is even reassured because he or she realizes that the beige and brown Insta-bubble that we are all led to believe is not reality.

This book is not an autobiography, not a guidebook, but simply the story of a woman who had to overcome many mountains on her way to happiness. A story that shows how much the desire for happiness heals wounds. But before the healing comes the pain. Yes, even the deepest wounds can heal. But what remains are the scars and therefore the fear that keeps holding us back time and time again.

These lines, which have been a damn long time coming, are intended to give you courage. Courage to stand by what you want. To become what or who you want to be - even if that means going through difficult times at first. Sometimes swimming against the tide means exactly that. But I can tell you this much:

It's worth it.

It all starts with the will. A strong will. I was given this early on. Even as a child, I was stubborn and knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't want. That wasn't always easy, but it was also interesting. Especially for the people around me. My mother often had to fight with me. Precisely because I knew exactly what I wanted.

I believe that in order to lead a happy and fulfilling life, you have to know what you want. Period. A larifari-let's-see-maybe-and-someday attitude won't get you to the fulfillment of your life's desires. In my circle of friends, some women find it difficult to make decisions. Unimaginable for me. But as a tolerant woman and friend, I naturally accept this form of indecision and the consequences that come with it. However, I follow the belief that only what I manifest and have firmly anchored in my thoughts can and will happen.

Happiness doesn't just find us. We make our own happiness.

I would like to take you on a journey to my little, imperfect happiness. I want to tell you how my definition of happiness and contentment has changed (a lot) over the years. And perhaps this will give you an idea of what your perfect happiness feels like and how you can achieve it.

Chapter 1

Here it is. The beginning. It all starts at some point. I've had it in my head for a long time. I've dictated possible beginnings to myself hundreds of times and made notes.

Before you start writing a book, you should be clear about what you want to write about and how the book should be structured. I'm not a writer, I'm not a trained journalist and I didn't study literature.

It was actually a passion that brought me to this book. A passion for texts. Texts are so diverse. They give us the opportunity to convey messages. Messages that enlighten, messages that touch, messages that inform. What you make of a text depends on how much passion you bring to it.

It's like cooking. Either you cook according to a recipe, stubbornly and mindlessly, or you cook with passion, with an eye for the ingredients and a feel for the right amount of everything. Both lead to the goal. Both fulfill their purpose. What tastes better in the end is a matter of taste.

It's the same with texts, books and publications. Some people like emotive, emotional texts, others prefer clear, short texts with nothing but facts as "ingredients". There is no right or wrong.

That's what I like so much about writing. The opportunity to unfold. To touch other people. To convey a message.

So I'm sitting here on a Saturday evening, a thick cushion on my lap, my Mac on top and typing the first pages of my book. At this point, I don't know if anyone outside this house will ever read it. If you are holding this book in your hand right now, then publication has happened and I'm very happy about it. If not, it doesn't matter, because it's been a part of me since the very first second. It will be a piece of the puzzle of my life. A bit of a revelation, a bit of a diary, a bit of therapy. Maybe it will inspire one or two others or even you.

Or maybe it will be a cautionary tale of how not to live your life. But that doesn't really matter.

The most famous book in the world is the best example: the Bible.

Depending on how you interpret it, it is either a gift or just a book filled with many words that is useless for one person or another. What you take away from this book or not is therefore up to you.

Whoever these lines reach at some point, it was good to write them. Maybe my children will read them when I'm no longer around. Maybe they won't. It doesn't really matter. The important thing is that I write. Even as a child, I enjoyed writing stories, essays and texts. To a certain extent, I still do this today in my office job. Unfortunately, not as extensively as I would like. An emotional letter to a supplier would probably be a bit inappropriate. However, the reaction would certainly be interesting. Luckily, there are many other ways to string words together and send them out into the world besides work . The important thing is to do everything with your heart. That's exactly what drives me. There's so much burning on my soul that has to come out at some point. Now is exactly the right time. It feels good now. That's right. People always say that there is no right time for anything. But I think I can disprove that. It does exist. I have had some difficult years. Not that the last few years of my life have been easy and relaxed, but it felt like this year was just the tip of the iceberg.

I've been in therapy for a few weeks now. Me, yes, I'm going to therapy. Me, the serene, self-determined and outwardly self-confident person. The people around me will think "Nathalie is going to therapy? No way." But I do. And maybe I should have done it much earlier.

Out of sheer curiosity, I left a little task for my "friends" on my Facebook profile. They were asked to describe me using three characteristics that came to mind spontaneously. Apart from those who didn't understand the task (they must exist), I was really surprised. Maybe they were all just trying to flatter me. No one even mentioned one of my negative qualities. The most frequently mentioned word was honest.

That impressed me. Yes, it's true. People who have really known me for a long time and in depth know that I rarely keep my opinions to myself. Sometimes that's appropriate, sometimes not. I'm not one of those people who fake liking when they don't really feel it. For example, my girlfriends have had to put up with a lot, my life partners have had to endure (justified) criticism of their hairstyles or the customers I've served have had to live with me telling them that the trousers they were wearing were two sizes too small. At first, it certainly affects people. Maybe I'm not always the most empathetic, but - and this is a big but - at the end of the day, I'm doing them a favor.

We live in a superficial, fast-paced world. Who else can we rely on when even the people closest to us lie to us just to avoid hurting us? Loving and caring were also mentioned. Also: warm-hearted, helpful and sympathetic. Yes, these qualities certainly apply to me too.

If I had to describe myself, I wouldn't choose these words first out of shame at not having to praise myself, but yes, they do apply to me.

Have you ever taken the trouble to try and describe yourself?

Now you're probably wondering why you should. Quite simply: to get to know yourself better. Five years ago, I would have said "Why should I get to know myself? I look in the mirror every day and I've lived with myself my whole life." But that's completely wrong. I think I had to turn thirty to even begin to understand who and what I am and where I am in my life right now, what is good for me, what is not good for me and what lies have accompanied me throughout my life.

When we come to terms with ourselves, this inevitably means that we also have to deal with the things that we don't like or even dislike. Starting with the little quirks that everyone probably has in some way, through to bad traumatic events. There are many traumatic events. They all come unexpectedly and unplanned and can rarely be stopped. By the time you realize that such an event has happened to you, it has already happened. Such experiences change a person faster than you think and whether you like it or not. The more you defend yourself against it, the more it hits you subconsciously. Precisely because of this defensive reaction. It manifests itself and bites into you like a tick after a walk in the woods.

The question is: Will it be discovered? If so, soon enough? Without causing consequential damage?

Some people draw strength from such an experience and change their lives fundamentally. Others hide behind it. They use it as an excuse. As an excuse for failure, for listlessness, for everything that goes wrong in their lives. What the individual makes of it is up to them. The important thing is to recognize that you are in such a situation.

For my part, I have recognized this and that is exactly why I go to therapy. That's exactly why I'm writing these lines. I'm trying to process, understand and come out of this situation stronger than ever. Only by dealing with it can I process it and only by processing it can I stop allowing this situation and the associated fears, nightmares and patterns to take over my life.

I would like to encourage you and everyone who reads these lines. Courage to be honest with yourself. Courage for self-reflection. Only a healthy soul is a happy soul. Far too many people live unhappy lives. Unfortunately, I also know far too many people who are trapped in relationships or life patterns. It doesn't have to be like this. But this requires a great deal of courage.

Today, two years after writing this introduction, I am at a point where I am more reflective than ever before. I know my weaknesses, my mistakes, the situations and moments that set me off. I know how to get out of a slump. Sometimes it takes a little longer, but so far I've always managed it. "Turned the corner", as they would say in Düsseldorf. I've never lost the courage to face life. Being responsible for my children has also meant taking responsibility for my own physical and mental health. Because what would happen if I could no longer "function"?

I can't imagine that. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

If you feel bad, the first step should be to ask yourself why you feel bad. What is the trigger? Is it a person or a situation?

Sometimes it's not easy to change things. Many circumstances are complex and entrenched. Getting out of your comfort zone is easier said than done. You usually get this advice from people who are stuck in their comfort zone themselves. This puts us in an emotional dilemma. For example, the broken and no longer existing relationship with my father blocked me for years. I was unconsciously preoccupied with it. One reason why my desire for a functioning father-child relationship for my children was all the greater. It was probably also the reason why I held out far too long in my first marriage. But when you realize you're in a situation like this, there's one thing you can do: change direction.

You decide what your compass is at this time. Sometimes it's people who have a positive influence on you through their life-affirming nature. Sometimes these positive people are our guideposts.

Trying to find the source is the first step in the right direction. The first step towards taking your happiness into your own hands. Only when you face up to your problems and fears can you try to solve them.

It is not always important to solve the problem immediately and definitively. I still have no contact with my father and that's a good thing. There's no going back for me either. I've written down all my disappointments and worked through them. I understood that it wasn't my fault and that I was just reacting to his actions. That helped me to deal with the problem and the consequences. It no longer burdens me. I wrote him a letter. He will never read it, but that letter contained everything that had been on my mind for years. After that, I felt liberated. Detached. Writing this letter helped me to process things that had been hidden deep inside and had been tormenting me at . It was only when I went through this pain again that I felt myself heal.

I don't want answers or explanations. A relationship that has been destroyed like this, emotionally and interpersonally, can never be repaired. Any attempt would be a waste of time. I know that too today. Because the soul is like the skin. If there's a cut, it's visible. You stick a plaster on it, maybe time will heal the wound, but what remains is a scar. Many layers of skin grow over the healed wound, old layers are removed, the scar becomes lighter over the years, but it is there and remains forever. Understanding this opens up a whole new perspective.

Most people worry about their body. About their hair, their figure, their eyes, their bones. But few care about their soul. The most vulnerable thing we humans have. This gives rise to so many everyday problems, which then lead to other things. So the real problem of our humanity is a lack of self-reflection and processing of trauma.

The mother in the neighborhood who is gruff and grumpy with her child, who doesn't smile and is introverted at the same time, was not born as this kind of mother, not as this kind of person. Perhaps she experiences domestic violence at home when everything is asleep or she experienced things in her childhood that she has never come to terms with. Certain (stressful) situations trigger memories that make her act in exactly the same way. But what do we do with "such" people in today's world? We exclude them. We don't want to have anything to do with someone like that.

Social exclusion changes people and triggers something in them. At some point, a sadness develops that can be dangerous if left untreated. Dangerous to life. To explain this now would be like reading coffee grounds. I think everyone can imagine what I mean. But it's not just the emotional state of the mother in our example that is highly alarming. What effect does the mother's behavior and unprocessed trauma have on her children? The children are shaped. They adopt behaviors and emotional patterns that they are very likely to pass on to their offspring. If these emotional problems do not already make it impossible for the child to have a healthy relationship.

This vicious circle can only be broken if someone has the courage to work through the pain of generations. I am firmly convinced that 90% of humanity needs therapy. I also believe that many young people and adolescents would have an easier start to their professional and adult lives if such prevention was offered at school. How many young people either don't know what they want to do when they grow up or are so influenced by their parents that they can't or don't want to make their own decisions?

Right now, as my youngest daughter is about to embark on this far-reaching experience, I find myself wanting to give her "good advice". But what happens if we don't guide the children, but only accompany them? She doesn't know today, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow whether her decision is the right one. But one thing I can say is that it has taken a huge weight off her mind that we don't expect her to do what we would like her to do. Freed from this thought, she will now choose this first important path herself. Always knowing that we will be there if it turns out to be a mistake.

A few years ago, I also thought I had to please everyone at all times. My goal in life was: no confrontation, no anger, no discussions.

I am angry. Angry. Disappointed. Stunned.

Some time ago we were on the Hexenwasser in Söll. A family outing. A mixed crowd. Families with one, two, three or - like us - four children. This is certainly not the norm, as the average family has 1.7 children. And it's certainly not normal for a woman to be traveling alone with four children, but: So what? Today, for the first time, I got the full brunt of society's prejudices. I overheard a family - mother, father, grandma and grandpa - talking about how antisocial it is for a woman to have four children, even without a husband. I noticed the curious looks right at the start, but didn't care. When we arrived at the second Alm, we had to walk through an alley of tables to our seat and again a couple whispered after we had walked past them. For the sake of my children, I didn't want to bring this up in front of them, so I held back.

I wanted to jump out of my skin. Have these people ever thought about the responsibility a mother of four children has? What she has to do to ensure that all four children are well? It's a small or even big battle every day, which you gladly fight because you love each of these children dearly. Quite apart from the fact that not every large family is automatically antisocial and that there are also well-off families with four or more children. It makes me sad that every one of my really well-behaved children, who have behaved in an exemplary manner, has been looked down upon just because they have three siblings.

These people don't realize how much the four of them enrich each other. They give each other love, respect and attention. They learn from each other, look out for each other and are never alone. They don't want to be alone either. I can't imagine any of my children being an only child. Something would be missing. I find it disrespectful to despise a mother who has given life to four wonderful children. Nowadays, the decision to have a child is in most cases a conscious one. And what if the parents of this person, who acted with such contempt, had decided against its existence? Let's just leave this as a leading question.

As quibbling and resentful as I might be, one of my greatest desires is harmony. At home, at work and preferably all over the world. I no longer check the news and I've long since turned off the push notifications on my phone for new messages. I have world-weariness. I also have the feeling that this pain gets worse with every year I get older. But maybe that's the wrong explanation. My perception of certain things has changed with age. In the past, for example, I didn't mind if a window was completely open in the car and it "pulled". Today, a good 20 years later, that's exactly what I feel. It's the same with emotions and changes that affect the world. What I have always suppressed and postponed over the years was simply that I was the one who was left behind. I think this is exactly why I feel so triggered by people who despise or even condemn my family model. In the past, I tried to reconcile my ex-husband's feuding family members at holidays or parties, cooked three courses rather than two so that everyone got something to eat, and put up with the nagging and put-downs from various family members without ever saying a word or interfering.

That's normal. You have to get through it. Beliefs that were drilled into me year after year and that I stuck to. I was young. Yes, that's true. I had already experienced a lot, but I didn't know how bad people could actually be to me. People who called themselves family or friends were actually my enemies. Enemies of my soul. At every family celebration, at every tense encounter where my only thought was "What am I doing wrong again today?", something happened inside me. I didn't even realize how I was being mentally raped. Not only through my ex-husband's disregard for my feelings , but also through the rollercoaster of emotions I experienced from various other people. I wish everyone didn't have to experience these feelings. Looking back, it certainly made me stronger, but at what cost? In the moment of insult, humiliation and disregard for my feelings, I saw it as normal. I thought that all of this was part of having a family. After all, your own little family is what is worth protecting. The family has to be protected, come what may. But I couldn't protect myself.

I would like to give you one thing along the way: It doesn't have to be like this.

But I only know that today, many years later.

When we moved from NRW to another federal state, we disappeared from the line of fire. I have detached myself. I only have contact with the people who are really important to me. I no longer have to worry about how I divide up the holidays at Christmas, I don't need alternatives to birthday dinners and I'm no longer afraid of someone trying to raise my children without asking. Never tolerate this. Not out of kindness, not out of decency, not out of false respect. I don't want to reveal any details that are too private here, but I want to help women to stand up for themselves and their children.

Through my therapy, I found myself. Found myself again. Because deep down, I always had a plan for my life and knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn't want. Fortunately, I know that again today. I lost my way for a few years and allowed myself to be influenced. But if none of that had happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am a 37-year-old woman, mother of four, self-employed and loved by the people around me for who I am. I am grateful for all the experiences I have had in my life so far. I am even grateful to the people who have treated me badly. Because they have shown me how not to live my life. They have shown me abysses that I never wanted to see, but which were necessary to know what really matters. I have been disappointed by people I trusted. People I would have put my hand in the fire for. But I have not lost faith in the good in people. I have learned to be more cautious, but not to close my heart. Because there are people out there who deserve that I approach them with an open mind and give them a chance to show me that there are good people in the world too.

People often ask me how I can still be so positive with everything that happens to me and my family. I've often asked myself that too. The answer is: I love life. No matter how hard it is. I love getting up every day and having the chance to do something good. I love seeing my children grow up. As hard as it is, I can't imagine a better life. My path has not only been rocky. But any Ninja Warrior Parkour is a walk in the park compared to that. I couldn't imagine a boring life (without meaning to be derogatory). Every hurdle has something good.

It's not unusual for things to go haywire in our house. I think many mothers would throw their hands up in disbelief. We are spontaneous. Of course we also have rules, but in my basic attitude and parenting I am spontaneous and flexible. I would like to be consistent more often. For example, I don't stick to meal plans, but cook whatever we feel like. If I had to describe my parenting style, I would describe it as loving, half consistent and half chaotic. I'm not a perfect mother and I'm far from it.

But one thing has top priority in my parenting: love. From day one, I have loved each of my children unconditionally, even if I never thought it was possible. The love I feel for my four children is like a seed that was planted in my soul and has grown over the years into a magnificent blossoming flower. A miracle, because people also call me Mrs. Plant-Dead. I am miles away from having green fingers.

Each of my children is a unique individual and my love for them has developed many facets over the years. It is not the same every day, because every day is different.

Loving my first child was an almost overwhelming experience - a stormy beginning, characterized by joy and the ecstasy of newly discovered happiness as a parent, and then on the other side the power of the shadows. The hormonal fluctuations, the sleepless nights, the disappointments and the loneliness. With each new child, my love became deeper and more intense, like the tracks that the water of a river digs into the land - full of depth and development.

My love for my children manifests itself in many ways and has many facets: it is tender and caring when I accompany them in emotional moments or comfort them when they are sad. She is strong and protective when I want to protect them from the dangers of the world. It is proud and admiring when I see their successes and achievements.

But the irrepressible love for my children also has its downsides. It is accompanied by fears and worries, sleepless nights and broken hearts when they suffer or move away from me. In these moments, I find it difficult to accept that I am no longer the only person they need. Loving my children requires sacrifice, selflessness and dedication that sometimes pushes me to the limit.

Despite this, loving my children is a source of endless joy and fulfillment. It is the light that illuminates my path and the warmth that floods my heart. It is the strength that drives me to give my best every day. My love for my children is the greatest gift that life has given me - a love that grows and flourishes, ever deeper, ever stronger, forever.

My childhood and the butterflies that shaped me

I was born and grew up in Düsseldorf. It's a great city. I still love it today and am glad to have grown up in such a diverse, cosmopolitan and culturally enthusiastic city. I think if I had grown up somewhere in a village at the end of Germany, my life would certainly have been different. Whether it would have been better or worse remains to be seen. It would definitely have been different. Which brings us to a topic that plays a major role in our lives: the roots from which we grow. God-given? Destiny?

At some point, it was decided that we would be born. Whether Adam and Eve were the beginning or someone else no longer matters. It rather serves to illustrate that everything had a beginning and that we have a story to tell our children about how it all once was. Very few people still go to church today, except at Christmas, weddings, baptisms or funerals. Only a few people study the Bible, its origins and its significance for Christianity in depth. Nevertheless, we all more or less unknowingly carry its stories out into the world to tell something and to pass on traditions that we do not even know down to the last detail. From generation to generation. It's always been like that, hasn't it?

Whether it really was or not, we will never know. Which came first, the hen or the egg? But since then, there has been a revolutionary chain reaction, and from generation to generation, couples decide, consciously or unconsciously, planned or in an act of impulse, to reproduce.

This is how a new generation is born. A generation that is shaped from the very first moment. Do my parents love each other? Am I growing up in a seemingly orderly relationship? Are my parents two high-spirited teenagers who forgot to use contraception while intoxicated with three or four alcopops? Am I an accident that has nested unnoticed in my mother's uterus and only has a right to exist because my mother doesn't know if, when and how she has to bleed to realize whether she is pregnant or not? Questions upon questions.