19,99 €
Mehr erfahren.
- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
Inspiring guide to reimagining your relationship with money and finally reach your financial goals
In Unraveling Your Relationship with Money: Ditch Your Money Trauma So You Can Live an Abundant Life, renowned Financial Expert and Certified Trauma of Money Specialist Shannah Game delivers an inspiring, informative, and at times cathartic guide to improve your behavioral finance skills, gently resolving deep-rooted trauma related to emotions like shame, fear, and panic surrounding money, and finally start reaching your financial goals.
This book includes dozens of stories of financial trials and tribulations from individuals from all walks of life, helping readers realize they're not alone and learn lessons from others who have faced similar situations. From Chapter 1, Game addresses the internal battles that so many of us face when it comes to money:
- You can't enjoy life or feel happy unless you have a certain amount of money in your bank account
- You feel you should be further along in your quest to build wealth
- You feel like it's too late to save for retirement, change careers, start a business, etc.
Unraveling Your Relationship with Money: Ditch Your Money Trauma So You Can Live an Abundant Life is an essential read for anyone who wants to go deeper than spreadsheets and fancy apps to create an unshakeable psychological foundation for long-term wealth creation and emotional stability.
Sie lesen das E-Book in den Legimi-Apps auf:
Seitenzahl: 353
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025
Ähnliche
Table of Contents
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
PART I: Why Is Your Relationship with Money Messed Up?
CHAPTER 1: How Do You Feel About Money?
THE STORY OF MONEY
MONEY AND YOUR EMOTIONS
CHAPTER 2: Would You Date Your Money?
GET TO KNOW YOUR MONEY
THE FIRST DATE
LOVE, PART 2
YOUR MIND ON MONEY
MONEY AND THE MYTHS
CHAPTER 3: What's the Story of Your Money?
WHAT IS YOUR MONEY STORY?
THOSE MONEY BELIEFS
HOW COULD YOU, MONEY?
WHY DOES MONEY STRESS ME OUT?
CHAPTER 4: What's Your Money Trauma?
WHAT IS MONEY TRAUMA?
WHAT DOES MONEY TRAUMA LOOK LIKE?
SYSTEMIC MONEY TRAUMA
HOW DO YOU HEAL?
MONEY TRAUMA AND YOUR BODY
PART II: How Can You Unravel Your Relationship with Money?
CHAPTER 5: What's Your Money Identity?
MONEY IDENTITIES
THE FOUR MONEY IDENTITIES
RELATIONSHIPS AND MONEY…IT'S COMPLICATED
CHAPTER 6: What's Your Money Pie?
THE MONEY PIE APPROACH
MONEY, AND YOUR THOUGHTS
THE MONEY PIE APPROACH IN ACTION
CHAPTER 7: What Are Your Money Patterns?
MONEY SECRETS
THERE ARE NO RULES
CHAPTER 8: What Is Your Money Happiness Number?
WHAT IS HAPPY?
THE B WORD
THE STORY OF YOUR NUMBERS
MINDFUL MONEY SPENDING PLAN
PART III: How Can You Move Forward?
CHAPTER 9: What Do You
Really
Want?
THE GOAL GAP
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
GET SOME GOALS
STAGES OF CHANGE
CHAPTER 10: What Are Your New Money Behaviors?
MONEY COMFORT ZONE
THE MONEY DATE
CHAPTER 11: How to Keep Your Relationship with Money Unraveled
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SHAME
KICK SHAME TO THE CURB
ONWARD
WHERE TO NOW?
Resources
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Index
End User License Agreement
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
Begin Reading
Resources
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Index
End User License Agreement
Pages
ii
iv
v
ix
x
xi
xii
xiii
xv
1
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
69
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
133
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
151
152
153
154
155
156
157
158
159
160
161
162
163
164
165
166
167
168
169
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
193
195
196
197
198
199
200
201
202
203
204
Unraveling Your Relationship with MONEY
Ditch Your Money Trauma So You Can Live an Abundant Life
SHANNAH GAME
Copyright © 2025 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial intelligence technologies or similar technologies.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per‐copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750‐8400, fax (978) 750‐4470, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748‐6011, fax (201) 748‐6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permission.
Trademarks: Wiley and the Wiley logo are trademarks or registered trademarks of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. and/or its affiliates in the United States and other countries and may not be used without written permission. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. John Wiley & Sons, Inc. is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Further, readers should be aware that websites listed in this work may have changed or disappeared between when this work was written and when it is read. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
For general information on our other products and services or for technical support, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) 762‐2974, outside the United States at (317) 572‐3993 or fax (317) 572‐4002.
Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic formats. For more information about Wiley products, visit our website at www.wiley.com.
Library of Congress Cataloging‐in‐Publication Data
Names: Game, Shannah author
Title: Unraveling your relationship with money : discover (and ditch) your money trauma so you can live an abundant life / by Shannah Game.
Description: Hoboken, New Jersey : Wiley, [2025] | Includes index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2024036891 (print) | LCCN 2024036892 (ebook) | ISBN 9781394299850 Hardback | ISBN 9781394299874 epub | ISBN 9781394299867 adobe pdf
Subjects: LCSH: Finance, Personal | Money
Classification: LCC HG179 .G27 2025 (print) | LCC HG179 (ebook) | DDC 332.024—dc23/eng/20241031
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024036891
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024036892
Cover Design: Paul McCarthy
To my tribe.
You know who you are.
Thank you!
Introduction
“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
—Nora Ephron
There used to be an old‐school wooden rollercoaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain named Colossus that makes me queasy just thinking about it. I've only ridden this beast a few times, but I've been terrified each time I set foot on the plank, ready to hop into the car. A few times, I've just turned around and chickened out (true story).
If you've ever been on an old wooden rollercoaster, you know how uncomfortable the ride is. Every twist and turn and bump you feel to the core of your body. The most horrifying part of the ride for me is the two‐ to three‐second pause that happens just as you creep up the first hill before the first steep drop. I understand this is what rollercoaster enthusiasts live for, but why, I'll never quite understand. Each time I reach this stationary hang and the adrenaline starts to race through my body, I question how in the world I convinced myself this was a good idea.
The fear, panic, stress, and slight excitement at the top of the first hill on Colossus is kind of like what I call your relationship with money.
If the concept of having any kind of “relationship” with money is new to you, you've come to the right place. I've spent more than 20 years teaching, coaching, writing, and speaking about all things finance. I've learned one really important fact – money is always slightly terrorizing, even in the best of times, and utterly terrorizing in the worst of times. These strong feelings are what dictate your relationship with money: how you think, act, and feel about your finances. Your relationship with money is the foundation for every money decision you make and don't make.
Most people go their entire lives before they understand the power of their relationship with money. I get it. We're doing a pretty terrible job teaching financial literacy at a base level. Only 25 states currently require a standalone financial literacy class for high school students in the United States, so it may not be a surprise that many other countries, including Denmark, Sweden, Norway, and Canada, far surpass the United States in financial literacy education. Even with the best efforts, however, one thing that isn't taught in schools or universities or during your upbringing is how to deal with the mounting and heavy emotions around money. Why is this? That's a really good question, my friend, and one I've been searching for years to find the answers to.
Throughout my career, I've been deeply interested in how to help people just like you create change with their finances and, ultimately, lives. I often tell my students and coaching clients, if there isn't anything you want to do with your money or goals you want to reach, then learning about money should be put on the back burner. What does it matter in this situation? However, that's not reality. You've got stuff you want to do and aren't progressing toward it. And that just plain sucks. I think it's time to try a new approach because reading all the money how‐to books, listening to all the podcasts, and scouring the internet for answers doesn't seem to be helping you create a well‐lived life. If it were enough, you wouldn't still be searching for answers.
I'll let you in on a little secret. While I haven't done a formal poll of every human on earth, I'm guessing that most of us share a few common beliefs around money: (i) You can't enjoy life or feel happy unless you have a certain amount of money in your bank account. (ii) You feel you should be further along in your quest to build wealth. (iii) You feel like it's too late to learn about money, save for retirement, change careers, earn more money, pay off your debt, start a business, etc. (iv) You feel like there's never enough money to go around.
How would it feel to know that every person to your left and right shares these same core beliefs, no matter how much money they make or have?
Before you go shaming yourself for believing one of these common beliefs about money, I want to stop you. I'm writing this book to teach you about the power of your relationship with money and to help you discover that shame and judgment aren't emotions you need to hang onto anymore. I know that's easier said than done, and these days, everyone's a critic. But we're all out here trying to do our best, you included. So, if someone has not given you a permission slip to drop shame and judgment around money, let me be the first to offer this to you.
It's also hard to do because money is either the giant gray elephant in the room or the boogie monster, whichever feels most real to you. It's a taboo topic that you avoid talking about at all costs. You don't learn about money how‐tos from your parents, mainly because they didn't learn about it from their parents, so the cycle of not talking about money continues for generations. This leads to trauma, fear, shame, regret, blame, judgment, panic, and so many other feelings that linger inside you. (Don't worry; we'll gently dive into all those feelings in this book.)
At this point, I'm sure you're asking yourself how you managed to be today years old before learning this. It's not your fault. Most money books leave out conversations about behavioral finance – the thoughts and feelings about money that are crucial building blocks in your financial plan. Instead, they teach how to save for your emergency fund. How to start investing in the stock market. How to buy a house. How to set up your 401(k). How to create a budget. And all of that stuff is great and helpful information to know, but if your relationship with money is messy, you don't have a chance at achieving your money goals. I know this to be true because that has been my story – even as a money expert – for years now. Before you can start to make better outward money decisions, you have to go inward and deal with your emotions.
If you feel like you've been treading water (or waking up in cold sweats) trying to pay off that credit card debt or wondering how you can save 20% for a down payment on that house you've been eyeing, let me give you some sweet relief: You are not broken. You have not made any original mistakes. You are not a failure when it comes to money. You are human and deeply intertwined with your relationship with money, formed when you came out of the womb. Your relationship with money is what's messed up – not you.
In this book, I'm going to talk about the other side of money. Beyond the numbers and spreadsheets and fancy mobile apps. I'm deeply interested in helping you do three things: (i) Heal your relationship with money so you let go of doing what you think is “right” with your money and start doing what you want to, (ii) Learn how to create a money plan that feels good and empowered, and (iii) Start building wealth toward the vision of life you have. How does that sound?
I also add a caveat that this book is not meant to serve as a quick fix or to suggest that changing your relationship with money will solve all your money problems. There are some real issues at play for many people, including poverty, homelessness, a lack of financial education, wage gaps, financial abuse, and more. Simply thinking better money thoughts won't solve those issues. However, whatever money situation you find yourself in, I want you to understand that this book is meant to introduce a different way of interacting with money. One that might be a little less stressful. A little less shameful. A little less judgmental. But a lot more empowering.
I've long searched for answers to help myself deal with money worries. I'm a money expert, and money is still a tricky subject for me, as you'll read in this book. Here's the Cliff Notes version of my life to show you that my road has been full of twists and turns: I started my first business in college, which collapsed during the dotcom bubble burst, was lost searching for a career, found my way to business school, got an MBA, started working with my dad in the financial industry, let my expenses get too high, took on $60K of graduate school debt, bought a house I couldn't really afford, got divorced, lost almost all of my assets and had to start over, spent way too much money (again), got remarried and moved into an expensive apartment, struggled financially in my business, started teaching financial literacy to thousands of students, started my podcast (which currently has more than 26 million downloads), had a miscarriage of twins that mentally devastated me for years, had an accident and became deaf in my left ear permanently and had to learn how to live with an invisible disability, moved across the country, and decided to write this book.
Ahhh, deep breath out! I share my story rather openly in this book to help you relate to the struggles that we all share around money. I've never met anyone whose money story was a solid upward line filled with only good things. That's both the beauty and the pain of living life; thankfully, we don't have to do it alone. We can work together.
The people's stories I share in this book are also meant to be an example of the hilarity and complexity around money. I've changed everyone's names and slight story details to keep my commitment to confidentiality. I hope you can see yourself in these stories and not feel alone.
So, if you're ready to shake loose all the suffering around money and embrace a new perspective, let's begin. This book is meant to be your guide and accompany you along the way because your relationship with money is a journey, not a destination. And while this book is about helping you unravel your relationship with money, I want to set some reasonable expectations. The pages in this book aren't a magical elixir to fix all things money. Despite my best efforts, I don't have a crystal ball for the future.
If you're feeling stuck financially, I encourage you to try all the exercises in this book and answer all the questions at the end of each chapter. Each chapter includes a Money Truth or Dare question, an Unraveling Thought, a Try This exercise, and Questions to Ponder. Little by little, I want you to move from feeling stressed or anxious about money to seeing light at the end of the tunnel. This book is personal to me but written for you. Once you start to feel a bit lighter about money, do me a favor and pass this book along to someone else. I'd love to start a movement of people who are ready to opt out of the status quo of negative self‐talk and thinking around money and embrace a new way forward. Thanks for being a part of this movement!
Unraveling Your Relationship with MONEY
PART IWhy Is Your Relationship with Money Messed Up?
CHAPTER 1How Do You Feel About Money?
Unraveling your relationship with money. I hope I got your attention with the name of this book, and I hope it hits harder than other money books you might pick off the shelves. I promise you won't be overwhelmed by acronyms or money concepts that twist your brain in knots. This book is meant to open you up to exploring your thoughts and feelings around money in a way you may have never explored. I call it the other side of money. The journey with money we all take but never dare to talk about. What you'll read on these pages is an open diary of sorts as I work through my unhealthy relationship with money mixed with stories of real‐life people on their journeys. Just like you, my relationship with money needed some serious unraveling, so I figured, let's do it together.
I hid like a scared child from my money for so many years that I couldn't keep count. Always waiting for the money boogie man to come out and grab me at every moment. Today, though, I knew it was different. It was time for me to start unraveling my relationship with money and face one of my biggest money fears.
I pulled into my bank in a sad, tired strip mall and was third in line for the drive‐up ATM. I'm sure I was only in line for a few fleeting minutes, but it felt like a literal eternity. As I waited, I opened the sunroof on my shiny, black, over‐priced BMW X5 and felt the fresh, warm evening air on my skin. I needed to feel alive at that moment. I peered into the backseat where my overstuffed blue suitcase, which was partially zipped closed, lay on the seat. I had gotten the car, which I nicknamed the “dream machine,” just a few months prior in a moment of complete weakness. My dream car came with a very hefty monthly payment, making me blush to this day, but I didn't care; I had longed for that car for years. It somehow filled me up. That car took away, even briefly, the utter sense of loneliness and contempt for life that I felt. It made me feel grand and worthy, which a car should definitely not make you feel. (If you're going to compile a list of what not to do with your money, put this at the top: Never buy a car – or anything else – thinking it will fill the deep, dark black holes that exist in you. I promise you, it won't.) Have you ever made one of those purchase decisions that you knew was incredibly irrational, but you just didn't care? I'm sad to report that I've made a few of these decisions over the years that are cringeworthy at the very least.
We all do this, though. We make emotional and irrational choices with money to make ourselves feel better. This narrative of money's role in your life is ingrained in society. Turn on your TV, and you'll watch a series of commercials that try to sell you “the dream.” You need a new car and a fancy one. You need a nice house, and a big one for sure. You need the latest gadget and the best shampoo; oh, and don't forget about the perfect credit card to buy all these things. Open up your favorite social media app, and within a second, your brain will trick you into believing you need to buy something to feel complete. Hold this thought; we'll get back here in a bit.
I could feel my heart racing, my palms sweaty as I gripped the black leather steering wheel and drove up to the ATM. I knew this had to be the moment that I finally decided to look at my ATM receipt … I just had to work up the courage. Every bone in my body screamed, “No, don't do it!” But this day, of all days, had to be the day I looked. You're probably thinking, “Wait, she's a money expert. Why is she not looking at her ATM receipts?” I have one of those brains that is a bit obsessive regarding numbers. It is my superpower when I'm helping other people figure out how to reach their money goals, but personally, it's sheer torture for me internally when it comes to looking at my numbers. But I'm not alone. The numbers make it real. The numbers tell the story of your money, good, bad, and everything in between. I used to spend so much time logging into my bank account with one eye open and a hand placed directly over where I knew the bank balance would be. The brain and body connection with money is real, palpable, and something we all feel to some extent.
The tattered, partially closed blue rectangular suitcase was a reminder of what being brave looked like. I had spent the previous tension‐filled hours walking through my beloved brick house on the corner with the cutest front porch, perfectly landscaped backyard with a jacuzzi, and dreamlike hardwood floors, packing whatever belongings I could squeeze into that blue suitcase. I ripped through my closet, stuffing whatever I could grab in every crack and crevice. Tears ran down my face as I remembered a life I had wanted so badly but was now leaving behind. Pictures of a supposed happy couple on the red brick fireplace mantle now felt like someone else's life. This wasn't how my story was supposed to go. When I looked around one last time, I couldn't help but feel pity for all the stuff I bought over the years that was supposed to make me feel good. There was a collection of signature hardcover cookbooks from all around the world and beautiful artwork from Hawaii. My beloved cat, Sophie, was the hardest thing to leave. Sophie had been my companion for more than 10 years and always ensured I was okay. But, there was an odd sense of freedom in leaving it all behind. All this time, I was striving for a version of me buried under all that stuff. A version that was trapped inside the illusion of what I thought a wealthy life looked like. But then, I realized that money couldn't buy what I was searching for.
“Shannah, let's just get out of here as quick as possible,” my dad said gently, his eyes full of tears and disgust. “Hold on, let me just stand here for a minute and think,” I said as I looked around my soon‐to‐be former house. “Don't think too long, or you'll feel even worse,” my mom said as she put the last of my shoes into the blue suitcase. “It's just stuff, I know, but it was my stuff, and now I don't have stuff, and I don't know how to feel about that,” I spoke as my voice shook. What was this all for? And what is this strange feeling of release that rushed over my body? Sometimes, life can feel so unreal. Certain times in life feel like earth‐shattering moments, which, in hindsight, are simply transitioning us into something new. Scary, yes. We can all do scary, though. That marked the end of my first marriage. Divorce was the next scary item on the agenda that I wasn't looking forward to.
Let me take you back, though. I worked as a Certified Financial Planner for years, helping people solve their money issues – paying off debt, improving credit scores, setting up retirement accounts, and creating budgets. I quickly learned that I should've gotten a degree in psychology instead of financial planning because money is emotional. Money is irrational. Money keeps you stuck in an endless loop of negative self‐talk and thinking. We all tell stories in our head about money and, trust me, those stories are not uplifting and helpful. They are often untrue and destructive. Why do we do this, you might ask. Well, money holds power over you. Money keeps you out of rooms that you deserve to be in. Money divides lines and evokes anger, stress, and trauma. Money is always there. It is inescapable. Money touches every aspect of life, whether you like it or not.
. . .
TRY THIS…
I love wearing necklaces. But every time I go to put one on, I spend about 20 minutes cussing up a storm, straining my eyes to try to get it untangled. It's maddening because I act like I never know how or why that knot is there, but deep down, I know that it would be so easy to keep it untangled if I stored it differently. How you feel about money is just like that knotted necklace. There may even be so many tangles in your relationship with money that you aren't even sure which one came first. This exercise will help you start to untangle.
Get out a blank piece of paper. At the top, title it “How I Feel About Money.” For 15‐ish minutes, write down every thought that comes to mind about your feelings toward money. It's important not to judge yourself during this process, so swing for the fences and let all your feelings out. When the time is up, take a minute and read back what you wrote again without judging yourself. Next, step away from that piece of paper for at least 24 hours to give your brain a break from these intense feelings. But in the meantime, give yourself a little pep talk. Say affirmations like “You are taking brave and bold steps to heal your relationship with money. You've got this.” When it's time to go back to that paper, see if you can find a common thread that connects your feelings. You might find a consistent theme of happiness, curiosity, or intrigue, or on the negative side, fear, shame, guilt, or anxiety. Whatever you find, keep in mind that your feelings are yours, they're legitimate, and you do not need to justify them to anyone.
Once you see the bigger picture about your money feelings, ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way?” Here's an example: Let's say your common thread is one of the most common feelings: shame. You want to dig a bit deeper and see if you can get to the bottom of why that shame exists. Is it because you have student loan debt, made a not‐so‐good investment, or had to close down a business? Maybe the shame comes from not feeling you're where you should be in life. Keep digging deeper and deeper by repeating the question, “Why do I feel this way?” until you feel like you have a general sense of where these feelings originate from. Now you have something to work with.
THE STORY OF MONEY
The crazy part about money is that it is man‐made. Coins and paper money were invented in China around 770 BCE and when currency replaced bartering for the trade of goods and services, it opened the door to a system that changed the world so significantly that now, almost 3000 years later, those simple pieces of paper still hold tremendous influence in our lives. We almost never touch money anymore. Coins and paper money have been replaced with a touch of a button, removing any decision‐making in the process. Money almost doesn't feel real these days. We're living in a world where access to money has become easier and easier but the emotions around money have only become more and more complicated.
Though essential as money is, it's not something we talk about much. When you describe a friend, you don't say, “Barbara is tall, has brown hair and green eyes, is super‐lovable, and enjoys eating ramen and playing air hockey. And she has money.” It's just not a descriptor that we would use to describe someone in a typical situation. What this tells me is that money is something we need, but it's not who we are.
But even if money is technically just used for business transactions, many of us attach some heavy feelings to those bills – and they aren't happy rainbows and sunshine daydreams. The most important thing I want you to understand is that if you have negative feelings of dread, shame, or failure around money, it's not your fault. (Read that again.) Because you're a human raised in a money‐driven culture, you've been programmed to think and feel a certain way about money from the moment you take your first breath to the moment you take your last. (And sometimes even after, if you've ever been involved in distributing an estate.) If you spend those breaths in between with nothing but negative thoughts about money, you'll be stuck in patterns that aren't good for your mind, body, or soul.
So how do you begin to look at money subjectively when it feels so impossible to separate yourself from it?
. . .
MONEY TRUTH OR DARE: (PICK ONE OR DO BOTH)
TRUTH: What's one money secret you have that you've never shared with anyone?
DARE: Ask a friend or family member this same question and share your truth.
. . .
MONEY AND YOUR EMOTIONS
Throughout the years, I noticed a very strange phenomenon. Clients who had what you would refer to as a “sh*t‐ton” of money were often incredibly insecure and unhappy. They were always worried about running out of money or being unable to keep up their shiny exterior status and even suffered from panic attacks and nightmares. On the other hand, clients who were just getting by, just making ends meet, were often incredibly secure and happy. It didn't make sense to me then, but now I understand it so well. Money is a feeling, not a number. It's easy to believe that money is binary. You simply input what you want and line up the amount of money it will cost to get what you want. If money were binary, we'd all have it figured out long before now. Achieving your goals would be a simple math equation. But you and I both know it's just not that simple.
That ping in your chest when you open your bank account or that utter sense of defeat when you don't have enough money to do something you really want to do is normal and rational. Money is a primal need, like food, air, and water. As much as you'd like to say money doesn't matter, it does. But the issue is that you operate largely with a scarcity mindset because our entire financial system was set up to have you believe you will never have enough money, never achieve your goals, it's always too late, and you will always be behind.
It never mattered how much money someone had, their age, their demographic, the car they drove, or the house they lived in. I learned we all suffer from the same money fears, worries, anxieties, and negative thoughts about money, just like Jim and Sarah.
I'd like to introduce you to Jim and Sarah.
The couple initially hired me to help them build their credit score, but as I began my meeting with them, I knew there was more to the story. As we sat across from each other at their 10‐ft‐long solid wood dining table with perfectly arranged centerpieces of perfectly plucked red roses, their energy was undeniable. Something was bubbling up under the surface, and it was coming in hot – they didn't need a financial planner, they needed a money therapist.
“So tell me, what's going on?” I asked, hoping to cut the tension in the air. “I don't know, this is the first I've heard of any money issues, so Jim, why don't you explain what's really going on here,” Sarah exclaimed with her arms crossed and a look on her face that meant business.
“Okay,” he said. He took a breath, and it all came pouring out like a dam that had burst under too much pressure. “We have about ten credit cards, and I've maxed them out. I always sign up for a new credit card whenever I get a new offer and use it until it is maxed out, then repeat the process. Money is pretty tight right now, but I just need to figure out how to raise our credit score so I can get another credit card to shuffle around some of this debt,” Jim said as beads of sweat visibly showed on his forehead. “I run a business, and I make really good money. I just need this fix to help us get out of this money crunch, and then I'll figure out how to pay everything off.”
“Wait, you have been doing what?!” Sarah asked, her eyes wide. “Where does all the money that you make each month go? Isn't that a lot of money? How could we not be able to pay our bills? Jim, this doesn't make any sense to me. Why is this the first time I'm learning about it?”
I could tell this money secret had been silently torturing Jim for months if not years. The shame he felt coming clean made me want to run up to him and give him the biggest bear‐hug possible. Of course, I just sat still and continued to listen.
“No, that isn't possible, Jim. You have a good job, you run a business, and we have lots of money; what in the world are you talking about?” Sarah said now in a full‐on scream rage. Jim turned my way sheepishly, almost begging me with his dark brown eyes to somehow take away the pain of this moment. “I'm sorry,” was all he had left to say.
“Look, we're not going to get anywhere by blaming each other now. Let's focus on what we can do. How about you start by telling me honestly the emotions, fears, and thoughts about money you're having right now,” I said gently. Over the next hour, Jim and Sarah let down their guard and invited me into their private world of money thoughts, beliefs, and the reality of where their money was going. Jim wanted Sarah and his kids to have the best life possible because he didn't have many financial resources growing up, but he went to extremes to make that happen, including the 10 credit cards with massive debt. Oppositely, Sarah grew up wealthy and believed that money would never run out because she was owed a good life. Her kids would attend prestigious universities, and she would always live in a nice house, drive the fanciest of cars, and have jewels to die for. She didn't want to keep up with the Joneses, she wanted to be the Joneses. They had been married for 15 years, and this was the first time they had an honest, non‐judgmental conversation about their real feelings about money. The credit cards were what I call the tip of the iceberg. They were the red light flashing issue that bubbled up to the surface, but I'm always more interested in what's going on under the surface because that's where your money feelings live. To make outward changes around money, you – for better or worse – need to spend some time down there.
. . .
UNRAVELING THOUGHT #1
You cannot change your money situation when you are stuck in shame and
judgment of yourself and other people.
. . .
You're probably wondering, did she ever look at the ATM receipt? I'll give you the answer. But first, a story.
I spent a ridiculous amount of time on YouTube looking up how to create easy origami shapes in seconds, and the crane was my go‐to. Each time I'd pull a receipt out of the machine I would immediately transform it into a crane before my eyes could glance at the numbers. I shoved all those little cranes into the dark crevices of my wallet, where they stayed tucked away until they found themselves in the trash can. I never looked at one ATM receipt in more than 10 years. Yep, 10 YEARS!
This is why money doesn't make sense. I always had enough money in my bank account to pay my bills, so I didn't look because I didn't have to. Despite that reassurance, though, my brain still walked through every disastrous situation that could happen. I started endlessly subtracting the bills that I had to pay: $2,000 for my mortgage, $250 for electricity, $100 for cable, $300 a week for groceries, and $950 for that BMW payment (I know). Even if it wasn't the reality, I pictured myself with $0 left and suddenly, I was destitute in my head because I couldn't pay my bills. I would have to give up my house, file for bankruptcy, and explain to everyone why this so‐called money expert found herself penniless and homeless. I don't know where that life‐altering scenario, a complete money lie, originated, but it was real. Despite never experiencing that situation in my entire life, the fear of being broke kept me locked in a fight‐or‐flight response around money. My heart would race, my cheeks would get flushed and turn into a deep shade of cherry red, and my hands would get shaky. This reaction was happening internally to a fake external occurrence that I knew in my gut would never happen, but my brain and body believed otherwise. I can't rationalize it – I don't even know where it came from. But the origin for your fake failure scenario doesn't matter when you're in the throes of a near panic attack.
On that life‐changing day, I slowly rolled down my window and punched in my ATM passcode as slowly as I possibly could. My heart was about to leap out of my chest. I snatched the receipt, forgoing any origami animals this time, and drove recklessly to the first parking spot I could find. Just then, “Where the Streets Have No Name” by U2, only the best song ever written, came on the radio. I blasted the song and sang at the top of my lungs. “I want to run. I want to hide. I want to tear down these walls that hold me inside.” Was it a sign that this moment was the time to start unraveling my relationship with money?
There was no turning back. “Look at the numbers on 3, 2, 1… Okay, it wasn't that bad,” I thought as I breathed deeply. In fact, it was pretty good. There was more money in my bank account than I had guessed. Had I dodged a bullet? The blood rushed back into my body and I realized that I'd been holding my breath for the entire time. I was going to live another day.
Did I cure myself of the fear of looking at my ATM receipts that day? Cue the confetti. Not even close. But it was a start. And sometimes a start is the best, and only, step you can take.
. . .
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY IS…
A conversation with Matt Schulz, author of Ask Questions, Save Money, Make More, and chief credit analyst at LendingTree.
Shannah: If you had to describe your relationship to money as a cartoon character, who would it be?
