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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
Embrace the joys of motherhood without losing yourself Motherhood is an amazing journey. It's a time of chaos and calm, joy and frustration, overwhelming stress and incredible fun. But as mamas strive to juggle the health of their children, their home and work lives, and their relationships, they can often put themselves last, risking physical and emotional burnout. Work. Mama. Life. is for all those mamas trying to achieve a better balance. Through a combination of evidence-based research, first-hand mothering experience, and easy-to-follow exercises, this guidebook will show mamas everywhere how to rediscover their joy, self and health in the face of the intense challenges working motherhood brings. In Work. Mama. Life, health and motherhood expert Ali Young delivers an expertly balanced combination of evidence-based research, clinical experience, and personal familiarity to help mums everywhere reclaim their lives and reset their health. Learn how to: * understand matrescence and your 'mother brain' * identify early signs of stress and burnout * find and embrace your village * reinvigorate yourself and ditch fatigue * bring lightness and brightness to yourself and others. A real book by a real mum filled with real tools for the real world, Work. Mama. Life is a practical, evidence-based, and authoritative resource for every mother who's sick of feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and burned out. Work. Mama. Life. will help every current, aspiring, or expecting mother to navigate their experience of motherhood and reclaim their life with calm and good health.
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Seitenzahl: 369
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022
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Table of Contents
COVER
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
INTRODUCTION
About this book
Part I: WORK (AND YOU)
(1) INTRODUCING MOTHERHOOD AND JOURNEYS
Observations from before I took the leap into motherhood
My journey into motherhood
Support systems and stress
From burnout to vitality
(2) A MOTHERHOOD OF EXPECTATIONS
Our inner critic: that mean girl mum living inside of us
Intergenerational mothering: how our mothering is passed along
The 5 common societal expectations of mothering
(3) MATRESCENCE: FROM WOMAN TO MOTHER
What is matrescence?
Grieving our old life
Hormonal shifts
Mum-guilt
The internal shift of a working mum's matrescence
(4) THE AMAZING MOTHER BRAIN
The magnificent changing mother brain
Vitality, vagus and our autonomic nervous systems
Helping our brain achieve vitality
(5) STRESS AND BURNOUT IN MODERN MOTHERHOOD
Recognising stress and burnout
How chronic stress is impacting our mothers
Motherhood and trauma
The resilience bucket
Motherhood burnout
My top 10 reasons for motherhood burnout
Part II: MAMA
(6) TOGETHER WE RISE
The togetherness of values
Before you look for a community, find yourself
Energy, stuck-ness and you
Finding your village
(7) NOURISHMENT
Why food matters to me
The power of wholefoods
(8) MOVE LIKE A MOTHER
Fatigue, energy and movement
Adrenals, rest and HIIT workouts
Safe exercise and pelvic floor function
Moving like a mother
(9) THINK LIKE A CALM MUM
Self-talk
Positive psychology
Mindset and motherhood: chasing calm
Bring calm in daily
The power of calm in a very un-calm world
Affirmations for a calm motherhood
Breathing and calm
(10) SLEEP LIKE A MOTHER
Sleep deprivation and the effect on our health
Values and sleep choices
Applying the motherhood lens to sleep
The ‘how-to’ of better mama sleep
Part III: LIFE
(11) THE TRANSFORMATION PYRAMID
Source and Identity
Beliefs
Skills
Behaviour
Environment
(12) THRIVE WITH YOUR VILLAGE
Burnout and village
Your brain, with community, will thrive
Integrating village into our day to day
(13) FAMILY FUN AND A NEW YOU
Navigating the family push back
Standing in your own light
Acknowledging emotions: the mum edition
Discovering your new self
Environment integration and the new you
Your family and your shiny new self
(14) YOUR JOYFUL AND VITAL SELF IN A BIG WORLD
Determining your self-worth
Bold beacons
Honouring you gets easier
(15) SELFISH MOTHERHOOD AND WHY YOU MATTER
The difference between selfishness and narcissism
Mum-guilt and motherhood cups
Affirmations of a perfectly selfish motherhood
(16) THE WRAP-UP: YOUR MOTHERHOOD REVIVAL PLAN
My Motherhood Revival Plan
Things to remember
CONCLUSION
APPENDIX: RECIPES
Breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
Notes
REFERENCES
Introduction
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
INDEX
END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Introduction
Begin Reading
Conclusion
Appendix: Recipes
References
Index
End User License Agreement
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WORK. MAMA. LIFE.
FROM MOTHERHOOD BURNOUT TO ABUNDANT HEALTH, JOY AND WELLBEING
ALI YOUNG
First published in 2022 by John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd
42 McDougall St, Milton Qld 4064Office also in Melbourne
© John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd 2022
The moral rights of the author have been asserted.
ISBN: 978-0-730-39656-7
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the Australian Copyright Act 1968 (for example, a fair dealing for the purposes of study, research, criticism or review), no part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, communicated or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission. All inquiries should be made to the publisher at the address above.
Cover design by WileyCover image: © Chinnapong/ShutterstockInside cover photo by Hayley Bracewell Photography
DisclaimerThe material in this publication is of the nature of general comment only, and does not represent professional advice. It is not intended to provide specific guidance for particular circumstances and it should not be relied on as the basis for any decision to take action or not take action on any matter which it covers. Readers should obtain professional advice where appropriate, before making any such decision. To the maximum extent permitted by law, the author and publisher disclaim all responsibility and liability to any person, arising directly or indirectly from any person taking or not taking action based on the information in this publication.
For my children, Matilda and George for gifting me motherhood, and to Pedro for supporting me on this wild soul ride I'm on.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr Ali Young is a chiropractor on a mission to help mums reclaim and reset their health and their life. To rediscover their joy, self and health. After opening a private practice in Perth, Western Australia, in 2003, she soon began to work with many mums and children.
She went on to complete her Masters Level Paediatrics degree in addition to her Chiropractic degree, and through this avenue of working with more and more children, she also began to work with more and more mothers. It became highly apparent to Ali that the stress load of life could easily negatively impact not just their health but also the mums' and families' enjoyment of life.
Dr Ali became a mother for the first time herself in 2012, and with her husband moved to Malaysia as an expat mum in a foreign land. This radical shift from a very busy business owner to a mother with a minimal support group really highlighted the importance of understanding the motherhood journey, matrescence and the power of intuitive self and education.
After several moves, time as a SAHM (stay at home mum) and a FIFO (fly-in fly-out) wife/mum, and throwing one more child into the mix, her family ended up living in South Korea for two years. This is where the concept of an online community for mothers was born.
Combining her love of all things neurology, research, stress and chiropractic with her personal motherhood journey, Dr Ali created an online community, resource hub and courses for mothers the world over called UnFcK Motherhood. She continues her private practice in regional Queensland, having worked with thousands of mothers in her 20 or so years of clinical experience. She is passionate about providing mums with the opportunity to regain their health, their joy and their sense of self within their motherhood journey.
Dr Ali lives in a small seaside town on the east coast of Australia, six hours north of her closest capital city. From here, she aspires to continue empowering mothers the world over with knowledge, evidence and intuitive practices.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This book has been sitting in my brain for years, and there are a few key people who have challenged me, supported me and nurtured me to help bring her to life. I wouldn't have had my own mothering journey without the experience I had as a child with my own mum, and my two grandmothers. Growing up surrounded by so many strong (some might say stubborn ;) ) women was such a blessing. My mum showed me how working mum life can be, both the good and the bad, and began to open my eyes to the possibilities. Thanks to you and Dad for your never-ending support of your crazy daughter, and to my brother for keeping me level. Nothing without Fambam.
To my soul-sister Olivia, who I owned my first practice with and who blessed me to be embraced as close as one can with her crazy triplets journey. You've been my supporter since I met you in 2003. Thanks for being my sounding board, my level head, my chiro-queen and my gin-buddy.
To the calm mums in my world. You don't know how much you show up for me, and how much you show me how to choose calm in my mothering choices. To my SIL Michelle, with your grace and composure, you show me how to be me and not lose myself. To Court, if I didn't have my dose of Calm-Court each week I think I'd be a basket case by now, and to Michelle S – the way you navigate your mothering journey is so inspiring to me, thanks for letting me in!
To the women over the years who have shaped me on my feminist ideals. From railing against early injustices with Amanda and Suemaree, to chiro discoveries with Sare, Hails, Vikkie and Laura, to the Perth Fun Days with Alicia, Joce, PD, Spag, Davi, and the Freo Crew, and to my CQ queens who listen to my babble, Jo, Hails, Em, Cass, Em, Ange, Alana and Jode. You've all been part of my mother journey.
To my team in my practice, for putting up with my big ideas with minimal follow through – thanks for keeping me ticking along through 2021. Anna – my right hand woman, thanks so much. Court – your fresh air and vibe is just what we needed and Kate, thanks for making the trek to central Queensland so I could fulfil this dream, and hopefully you can fulfil yours.
To the expat mamas who supported me in both Malaysia/Singapore and South Korea: Samira, Angela and KK, Tam, Leah, Jenn, Caz, Michelle, Yols, Anita, Sim, Nadine, Coley, and Mel, you girls helped me have the beginnings of this flame.
This book would not of been possible without the love-story of my beautiful profession, Chiropractic. If I wasn't entrenched in the deep knowing of its philosophy, and it didn't open my eyes to the magic that lies within each of us, I'd just be another peep doing a job she didn't love. Particular mention goes to James Carter and his gang back in the 2000s, and to Brandi and Don McDonald and all of the superstars in ‘The Engine', for their keen insights and eye-openings, always at times when I needed that little bit of guidance.
Thank you to the amazing Tina Tower, who pitched me to Lucy at Wiley Publishing because she knew I had a story to tell, and that there were so many mums in the world who would benefit from listening in. To all of the other women building their empires in her world, I feel lucky to be a part of it.
To Wiley for taking a chance on me, and in particular to Lucy who saw something in my passion and managed, with Leigh to bring it out onto paper. To my editor Sandra, to Chris and to all of the team, thank you.
To the loves of my life — my own little fambam. For Pete for putting up with the late nights, the rants about how the world is skewed against women, how we need to do better for our kids, and still finding a way to love me. Ditto. And to my beautiful children. You gave me the gift of being a mother. You amaze me often, I love you both so much. Thanks for choosing us as your parents.
And finally, to all of the mums who have crossed my path in practice in my nearly 20 years. Each of your stories, your wins, your struggles, those tears of joy and happiness, and the ones of sorrow and sadness. This book is for you. My love story to say thank you. You have inspired me, and now it's my turn to pass the baton on. We are warrior women, we are strong. Let's lean in. Together.
INTRODUCTION
Welcome to the amazing awesomeness of motherhood!
This book is a happy by-product of my work with mums really taking off in the world. As a chiropractor, I was hands-on with mums all the time, supporting them and their kids and trying to figure out why there is so much stress in our mama world these days. So I branched into the online course world to support more mums than the ones existing in my orbit.
The real, deep-down reason, though, is that I had just escaped from a burnout myself.
I've lived it.
I've had the health challenges from it.
I know there are better ways to look after myself.
I mean, if a health-conscious health practitioner can end up in burnout, then what hope does a mama without a health background but with the same work–life balance and stress concerns have?
Crawling out of that place was pretty hard work, and looking back, I totally did it the hard way. On reflection, that is not what I want for the mums in my world. This book is kinda like my recovery love story for you, Mama. It can help you rediscover your health in some pretty easy steps; it can guide you on shifting if you want it; and my biggest aim is to give you so much info that you don't go there in the first place. This book is exactly what I wish I had been told when I was a mum in the early stages, navigating my return to work and my value as a human.
I am so excited that you've picked up this book, or been gifted it. I'm pumped that it has somehow made its way into your orbit. If this is your first lap around this motherhood game, welcome and buckle up. The adventure is phenomenal — at times tough, and at times easy. I still love it to this day! If you are a returning mama-bear, welcome back to the fray! I can't wait to help you navigate, grow and thrive through this round of your motherhood journey.
The big shift into work-life and mum-life, when and if it happens for you, is a modern ideal that is now the norm for mums and we individually navigate it in the best way possible. Thriving through this time in our life is transformative in one way, and really bloody hard in another. Escaping all the burnout challenges occurring in the world in our rushed and busy society, with the lurking pandemic hanging on, is exactly why I'm here on this earth: to help mums reconnect to their health and their ‘self’, and to find that spark and joy. To connect their health and their heart on this motherhood journey.
Motherhood is many things rolled into one. It's the chaos and the calm, the joy and the frustration, the overwhelm and the total fun! It's the love that you can't fathom for these little beings, who can become all encompassing. But a love that is also 100 per cent too much at times. A love that is expected to fall out of the sky the second your child is born, which happens for some, but that also takes time to build and grow for many.
For some, motherhood is a welcome interlude in a busy life, something that has been hoped and dreamed about for years. A pause in a career trajectory, a family situation or a planned event that has finally come to fruition. Our motherhood can spin in so many ways. Perhaps it will be a new beginning as you traverse back into a workplace, or working from home, or whatever the computation of working motherhood is for you.
For others, it may be more of a surprise. Maybe not planned but not unwanted. Or maybe initially it was such a shock that all the choices ran through your head to explore. Whether it's a surprise pregnancy and motherhood journey, or the whole experience of becoming a mother is nothing like the picture it's been painted as—it's a massive shift.
This shift is called ‘matrescence’: the glorious shift from a woman to a mother. Matrescence is going to be explored thoroughly in this book, but in these beginning stages of motherhood, I just want you to know that you aren't alone, that this is you shifting into a new version of yourself.
Working with mums so intently over the past 20-odd years from pre-conception, through matrescence and into motherhood, and especially working with their kids, I've discovered many common themes around support, annoyances, grievances and knowledge blocks that mums would like true and current info about. And there are a whole lot of ways to help a mama out.
The busy and tumultuous times that we live in require us as mothers to navigate a stress load that is quite extreme. The stress of navigating life with work (I'm a strong advocate that mothering is work, by the way, just FYI), kids, partners and expectations of society can really drive a heightened stress level in an entire household.
In this book I will share some research with you, so if you are the kind of mama who likes to know about things, you should find a lot of direction here. Like the info published in Nature Journal in 2019 by Azhari and others, which outlines that there is an interplay between the level of stress in parents and the synchronicity of the mother–child brain connection. Basically, this means that if the mother is stressed, there is less co-regulation (awareness of behaviours, physiological states, etc.) between mother and child — that is, they become less of a unit and the relationship suffers.
I don't know about you, but when I was hurtling towards my burnout time I was not co-regulating how I wanted to. And it felt terrible. If I can just help one mama to avoid that time in their life, or teach them how to dig themselves out when they get there, then that is a massive win for the world.
The essence of this book is about empowering mums the world over to navigate the increasing stress loads of society, particularly as working mums. And to do it with a bit more calm and quiet, health and choices during the busyness and the rush. We are going to explore our often ingrained intergenerational mothering patterns and figure out together how we can change, shift and create a new normal for us and our families.
We will be reimagining a thriving motherhood away from burnout for all mums experiencing the constant heightened stress load of life, towards a collective exploration of options to navigate a different path — to a truly connected, calm and conscious motherhood, with our health, and that of our families', intact.
I can't wait to go on this journey with you!.
About this book
This book might be set up a bit differently from what you expect. I've popped it into three core sections so you can flip around if you want, or just dive into the whole thing from the start. The whole book is designed to give you a guideline to shift and change minus the overwhelm. Small things, over time, will add up to a massive change in your world. The possibilities are exciting.
I have separated this book into three parts:
Part I
— WORK — forms the backbone of knowledge about who we are as mums. It covers the stuff that helps us know why we want to change and reflects on where we have come from. It's all about motherhood, stress, burnout, research and how society has aided and abetted us to end up where we are. This part isn't a ‘how-to’ guide; it's more about
what
. It's about what the hell has happened to us as a mothering culture, and in what ways can we reclaim our ‘self’, our spark and our heart.
Part II
— MAMA — is the
doing
section. Here, I introduce you to the 5 Pillars of Healthy Motherhood: five simple approaches you can use to create shift and change in your world. Each chapter in
part II
gives you heaps of tools to move yourself back into the zone of health. To explore who you are as a woman and a mother at the same time. And how they are connected and not. How time can be reclaimed so you can do it all without adding to the stress load. Ain't nobody want that!
Part III
— LIFE — is where we look at life through the lens of mother, business owner, employee, staying at home and the navigation of each of these things. We integrate these joyfully and vitally into your world using a framework that I call the ‘transformation pyramid’. I'll talk about your strength of purpose, your sense of self, why
you
matter and how the way you see yourself can be life changing. Together we'll look at transformation and the lightness it can bring back into your world. By the end of
part III
you'll have your specific revolution plan ready to go. I can't wait to hear all your stories of shift and change!
Like I said at the start of the book, it's all about you: taking what you want and choosing your own adventure. My hope is that by the end of part III you will have found even just one new way to choose your outcomes, create connection back in your day and love yourself endlessly as a mum.
Throughout the book you will find glorious interludes. I've called them ‘Pause moments’. These give you a moment to reflect and think about what you've just read. Maybe it's big for you, maybe it's a blip or maybe it's not significant at all. There is no right or wrong on this spectacular journey.
Motherhood is amazing. Working motherhood can really give us the best of both worlds. We can fill our cup for ourselves and our cup for our families, making this intentional shift with beautiful intentions, knowledge, tools and skills to make it thriving, vital and joyful!
It makes me jump whenever I read that: a world full of mums expressing their own awesome selves is my kind of nirvana. Let's get into it!
Part IWORK (AND YOU)
Balancing Motherhood and Life
Let's explore the world of motherhood!
As I said in the introduction, this part of the book is all about arming you with the knowledge to make thoughtful and considered decisions and to be able to change when you need to. To soulfully lead your life with heart and health firmly in your grasp.
When I began the journey back to working-mum land, I knew all the right things to do … or so I thought. I was busy, I was rushing, I was yelling … I was trying to do it all. In this part of the book I share a lot about my motherhood journey.
I'd like to start by planting some seeds of hope that you aren't alone and that you are in the right space to learn about motherhood.
In part I we'll be looking into the knowledge and backstory of motherhood. In each chapter, I'll give you some gentle run-throughs of important stuff that will help you rediscover your awesome self and your health, and to find a bit more joy. I'll share some knowledge and research, and paint a picture of how it might show up for you. Or, at least, how I've seen it in some other mums' worlds.
I definitely had to turn on and off my researcher brain for this part of the book. My hope is that I've injected enough real life into it that you get to the end and can see the parallels in your own world. Doing the work now on the you part of motherhood will make understanding the how a lot easier.
The body is a wondrous thing. It is able to adapt and change and mould, and it responds perfectly to its environment all the time thanks to our brain and nervous system. But stress can lead us to being switched ‘on’ all the time, which isn't healthy. And stress is something we all had our fair share of during COVID, particularly during lockdowns. For mothers, this has had a particularly significant impact.
In this part of the book, I'll be bringing to light how your body is magical. How it's wonderful. How it's able to allow you your human existence and keep being resilient through the motherhood gig.
Enjoy learning about your awesome self because that's exactly what you are. My hope is that by the end of part I you will be able to recognise just how amazing you are and that if you're struggling a bit to balance motherhood and life (including work), you'll learn how to reclaim your ‘self’ again!
(1)INTRODUCING MOTHERHOOD AND JOURNEYS
My motherhood and journeys into the great awesome unknown!
I thought I would start out on our journey of discovering burnout, mum-life, working-mum life and all the glorious in between with a bit of a discussion about my motherhood. Because sure, I can qualify myself with skills learned at uni, but there's nothing like the trenches and supporting thousands of mums along the way!
In this opening chapter you'll read a bit about:
my motherhood journey
burnout — how it can show up and surprise us
support systems and stress
patriarchy in motherhood (a quick little chat and eye opener)
insights into healing yourself and vitality.
Observations from before I took the leap into motherhood
When I graduated from RMIT University way back in 2002, I thought motherhood was just another linear element in our life, a trajectory that a lot of women traverse along because it is the ‘done’ thing. As a country kid growing up in regional Victoria, I was encouraged to study one of three professions: doctor, lawyer or stockbroker. These were perceived as my way out of the country life and into a ‘safe job’.
My mum worked at the hospital in town as a sonographer and I would often go there after school to wait for a lift home (town was some 45 kilometres away from our home). Interestingly, I began to observe the difficulties professional women experienced in that environment, and how they were always juggling and figuring out how to ‘manage it all’.
When I was 15, I went to a chiropractor for the first time and, as well as getting rid of the pain I'd been experiencing in my feet for a long time, I learned that they could choose their own working hours. Subconsciously, choosing chiropractic — a career that is supportive of working mums — was a no-brainer. Not only had it been modelled to me as an easy working-mum choice but having been around inter-generational models of working mothers, I guess I felt well placed to ‘have it all’.
As a 23-year-old chiropractor, I gave it little regard, however, and began on my lightning-fast career trajectory. This took me to the other side of Australia, all the way to Perth, where I met some amazing women who have influenced my motherhood. Love stories abound about how we all met … but I'll save that for another time!
At university, when I was studying chiropractic, there was zero focus on matrescence (the beautiful shift and change from woman to mother, something I'll be discussing in depth in chapter 3) and the stages of motherhood. We were taught about the pregnant mother, but not how to care for the post-partum one. We were taught about newborn babies, infants and toddlers. We were taught about the hormonal flux of adolescence. There was no highlight reel of the elements of motherhood we needed to be supportive of. It was pretty much glossed over. This really needs to change if we are going to support mothers in the way they need us to.
When I began practising, I was blessed to take over a private family practice and I began working closely with mums, both for themselves and as parents of the children under my care. It was here that I witnessed, firsthand, the desire of mothers to have all of the best things for their children, including health.
Mums would constantly chase the to-do list that helped them to keep their child/ren healthy, with a complete disregard for their own health. There was so much focus on doing everything for their family that stopping to care for themselves was never a priority that made it onto the completed to-do list.
This pattern would keep occurring until they fell in a heap, which is where I would step in as part of the team putting them back together.
Sound familiar? I'm sure it does for some of you. And probably not for others.
Interestingly, this was modelled to me in practice as the norm for all mums. It took until I became a mother, and explored how I could maintain my own personal vitality, to dig into these concepts of health for mums. The dichotomy of not being selfish, but choosing to care for myself as well as my child — which may be different from the expected norm in standard Western society — was a hard pill to swallow. The true expression of both mum-guilt and the ‘perfect mother’ myth had ingrained themselves in my thoughts around what a mother was, and it began to impact my motherhood.
I'd seen my business partner and best friend traverse a multiple pregnancy, and how the system had expectations of her to birth a certain way because she was having triplets. She sought out health professionals who supported her choice to have a vaginal birth, which somewhat made her an outlier. This then formed an element of minority fatigue throughout her mothering journey. Add to this the expectation that, because she became a mum to three amazing little humans, she was supposed to constantly be equally fully fatigued and extremely grateful.
She, however, chose something different for herself and her family. For her, work was a large part of her values system and it allowed her to feel herself amid the chaos of three tiny humans. This modelled to me the ‘anti-perfect mother’ myth. There were times, of course, where the mum-guilt associated with any and all decisions around return to work — or not performing at work after the kids had been up at night and she hadn't slept well — was very real. The reality of the stress of trying to maintain a perfect work–life–mum balance was extraordinary, and this was well before the crazy times of the 2020s.
II PAUSE MOMENT
Did you observe friends/family/colleagues before you became a mum, who in retrospect shaped your thoughts on mothering and motherhood?
What pre-framed ideas (like fatigue, tiredness, joy, playfulness, connection, isolation) did you take into motherhood?
My journey into motherhood
My journey into motherhood was an unplanned but much-longed-for surprise. A wedding night baby, in fact. I know … totally ironic for the health professional to have that happen, but hey, apparently it's a thing. Leading up to motherhood, I sold my practice of eight years to my best friend, got married (and pregnant) and shortly afterwards my husband and I moved to Malaysia for a work opportunity for him.
Massive life change. I was exceptionally grateful for the opportunities it offered, but it was a turbulent time too.
We moved to Johor Bahru just after my 20-week scan, with everyone telling me how lucky I was to be gifted all of this time off before the baby came to prepare for their imminent arrival. Even though I'd spent the preceding 12 years working with mums, in retrospect my preparation was, ironically, not exactly what I needed. I was highly focused on the birth and trying to dispel ingrained beliefs that I couldn't birth vaginally due to an off-the-cuff comment from a radiologist who had looked at my spine films when I was 15.
As you can imagine, being hyper-aware of the role that our inner-language can play in our birthing outcomes, I was genuinely focused on shifting that. I worked with a hypnobirthing instructor and a doula, and when I was in Australia, chatted to the midwives and an OB, relaying my fears and concerns, and acknowledging the place I was coming from prior to my baby's birth.
Needless to say, the concept of motherhood at the other side of the birth didn't really cross my mind. Not even once did we have a conversation as a couple or even within my inner circle of what to expect in my motherhood journey. I find it so interesting that I seriously spent more time worrying about the pram I chose than I did about how to parent and mother once our babe was born.
I know I'm not alone in this. On reflection, and chatting with thousands of mums since, this isn't a solo story. Many mums out there definitely go in with a similar thought construct: if I birth this babe a certain way, then all will be perfect.
This strongly feeds into the ‘perfect mother’ myth.
My journey into motherhood was definitely not what I expected. I travelled from Malaysia back to Perth by myself at 35+6 weeks — that is, one day before I would no longer have been allowed to fly because of the gestation of my pregnancy. I left my husband behind in Malaysia, and had three weeks by myself. The fear of going into labour and him not being able to get there in time was big. I'm sure that this led to a heightened stress response on my way into the birthing experience, and possibly the outcomes of birth too.
My birthing began with a hind water leak (a small water leak, not a massive gush) at 40+5 (so 5 days over the expected due date) that went on for a few days. I was in and out of the birthing centre for check-ups over those days. I was trying my hardest with everything to avoid an induction as I understood so intently the cascade of intervention that can happen after that time.
Nevertheless, I ended up being induced, and having a long labour. My doula was present, and every time she left the room to move her car (it went for 18 hours), someone would come in and check me. All the pressures of time were placed on me, and the experience was pretty much the complete opposite of what I had envisaged. While I ultimately avoided a caesarean, the trauma, the use of forceps and ending up in a stark theatre prepped for a caesarean really impacted my initial bonding with my child.
As soon as she was placed on my chest, I felt appreciation for her safe arrival. I felt an element of love, but I didn't feel that overwhelming, life-changing ‘kapow’ moment that everyone told me I would. I had super protective instincts around my child, yet I didn't feel the love-bubble gush I expected. This alone was enough to start my mum-guilt journey. At the time, I didn't realise I didn't have it, but on consideration, my love grew and grew rather than rushing in.
Over the next couple of weeks, we packed up our house in Perth so we could rent it out when we repatriated overseas again, navigated new parenthood, had both sets of parents visit from interstate, celebrated Christmas and then flew back to Malaysia with a 20-day-old child. It felt ‘normal’ at the time, but on reflection it was pretty bloody crazy.
No wonder I felt a little lost.
To top it off, I had all my people trying to help me with advice on what they perceived was or wasn't working with my newborn.
Have you heard these ones?
Why is she feeding so much?
Why is feeding taking so long?
Why is she so small?
You should be doing …
You shouldn't be doing …
You do this with a nappy …
You do this other thing with a dummy …
You wrap her this or that way …
I was thrust into discovering that my own personal, good-enough mother concept was based on external elements of the newborn phase like sleep, poo, feeding and settledness. And I pretty much felt like a bit of a failure because, while for years I'd been able to support mothers with the health of their kids, my own child didn't fit the perfect ‘box’ of what a ‘good’ baby does. This common societal measure of a good mother being reliant upon how her child shows up for certain benchmarks really fuelled my unhappiness at the time.
Moving back to Malaysia was isolating. Comparatively, I imagine it was a little like birthing during lockdown and remaining home all the time, with minimal community connection and support being offered. I haven't had to live through significant lockdown in Australia, but in conversation and while supporting women who have, it feels like I had the same brain-based trauma response they experienced. I began doing the things that I thought good mothers did. I exercised, I cooked, I responded to my child as she needed and I ‘wifed’ like a champion.
And yet, I felt like I wasn't a good mother because my daughter thought sleep was for the weak. There wasn't a sleep book I didn't read, there wasn't a friend I didn't lean into, there wasn't advice I didn't think to add to my daily ‘should-do’. But not much helped. Ironically.
And yet, here I am, writing a book on supporting mums to choose their own adventure. I am so thankful for the crazy early introduction to motherhood, as it certainly shaped my journey, my learnings and my passion for mums.
Support systems and stress
While my support systems were there, I was creating stress for myself and within my family because I was striving to fill a ‘perfect child and perfect mother’ ideology. It wasn't a conscious thing. I just did it because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I know I'm not alone here. It's well researched. It's the intensive mothering ideology that we will explore as we move through this book, and how it impacts the stress load of mothering. This ideology is creating a cycle of burned-out working mums trying to do and be all to everyone, except for themselves. A bit more on that soon.
Moving through this as an individual, and reflecting on it over the years since my first child was born, highlights to me how, even as a highly knowledgeable mother, this matrescence period can really impact us, our future health and the lens through which we view motherhood.
As a mum, the stress load of life external to our ‘self’, and internal within our specific environment can impact us so innately that it alters our health, our vitality, our zest and, ultimately, our mothering. The amazing support systems we are gifted by our Western culture can be lifechanging. They can literally turn a really crappy, depressive and anxious experience into something joyful and vital.
The support systems offered to mothers, as reported anecdotally in my practice, have at times been overwhelming, and ‘too much’. As mums have told me, there can be conflicting advice, given within short time frames, that can raise anxiety levels. And when mothers look externally to find all of the answers, it can also be a hugely overwhelming experience. Instead, giving ourselves permission to listen within, to listen to our calm and that inner voice, can allow us to support ourselves in a way that suits us.
The level of stress that comes from a lack of our own knowledge and because we continually have to source information from external sources can be the first step towards burnout in my experience. When we then add in mum-guilt and returning to work, it's a recipe for disaster.
Unsurprisingly, my daughter Matilda one day began to sleep, and we then decided to jump on the child number two rollercoaster. I mean, of course we did, ha ha. This journey was completely different and I often reflect on my second birth as being my healing delivery. No intervention, the instant love was there and the shift to a family with two children was a wholly different experience.
And while this was a healing birth, it didn't mean that I didn't get stressed … that I didn't search outside of me for answers on how things were going and what I should be doing. It just meant I began with a little bit of a head start on the time before.
II PAUSE MOMENT
I viewed my second birth as a ‘healing birth’, making up for the first one. Did you do that too?
Learning to listen to my gut instinct took time and patience. The first time it was about deciding not to use controlled crying. Do you listen to your gut instinct?
From burnout to vitality
The burnout in my world didn't happen until well after the newborn years. I had returned to work, opened a practice, traversed difficulty navigating a ‘normal life’ back in Australia … and some familial stress was thrown in for good measure.
It was a recipe for burnout. It kinda crept up on me, and had to yell at me to really get my attention. It actually happened prior to COVID, and it just kinda got a kick along and continued when that whole debacle happened.
Lockdown life, particularly in Australia, is a recipe for neurological burnout. Healing from it, and learning how to regain my joy, fun, vitality and health was amazing. And this journey from burnout to vitality is what this book is all about.
