You Can’t Make Me! E-Book

James Ball

• Herausgeber: Future Horizons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 357

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Beschreibung

A unique look at behavior through the child's perspective! Every parent has experienced behavior challenges with their children. This book applies a whole-person perspective toward behavior management that connects across home, school, and community. It describes the functions of behavior from both the adult and child's perspective, and offers simple yet effective evidence-based strategies and ideas for creating behavior plans that work. Features: Behavior Plan template; Behavior, communication & social skills strategies for each function of behavior

Leseprobe

YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!Pro-Active Strategies for Positive Behavior Change in Children

All marketing and publishing rights guaranteed to and reserved by:

721 W. Abram StreetArlington, TX 76013(800) 489-0727(817) 277-0727(817) 277-2270 (fax)E-mail: [email protected]

© 2019 Jim Ball and Veronica Zysk

All rights reserved.Printed in USA.

No part of this product may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of Future Horizons, Inc., except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews or unless noted within the book.

ISBN: 9781941765876

eBook Designed by Acepub

Dedication

To all the children and adults I’ve worked with in the many decades of my career. We have laughed, cried, and rejoiced together in your accomplishments, big and little.

It has been, and continues to be, an inspiring journey to work with you.

Acknowledgments

Just like behavior is a “me and you” experience, so is the process of writing a book about behavior.

First and foremost, my thanks to Veronica Zysk, a long-time personal and professional friend. Although her name is not on the front cover as a co-author, her role has been nothing but that. She’s been the planner, organizer, co-writer, editor, and creative force behind this book. Without her, a good idea would have stayed just that—an idea. Thank you, Veronica, for being a partner in this venture.

Thank you to all the families, siblings, educators, therapists, and of course, children, who have played a role in this adventure and helped me continually experience, first hand, what I teach: that behavior never occurs in a vacuum. It’s our job to figure it out. We have scratched our heads at times or found ourselves staring at the ceiling at three in the morning trying to do just that, to figure out what’s going on inside a child that triggers those outside behaviors. And you know what? I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. It’s made me who I am and for that I am deeply grateful.

Finally, thanks go to Jennifer Gilpin and the staff at Future Horizons for seeing the value in publishing yet another book on behavior, one that dives nakedly into the sometimes foggy, choppy, briny, turbulent, and tempestuous ocean that behavior unequivocally is. Your support has been the rudder, helping steer toward calm, smooth waters.

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

PART 1: Why Does My Child Do That?

1: Behavior Basics

2: Here’s Where I’m At!

3: Positive Strategies for Behavior Change

4: Creating the Behavior Plan

PART 2: The Six Functions of Behavior Explained

5: Leave Me Alone! Escape/Avoiding a Person

6: Get Me Out of Here! Escape/Avoidance of an Environment

7: You Can’t Make Me! Escape/Avoidance of a Situation

8: Hey! Hey, You! Look at Me! Attention-Seeking Behavior

9: It Feels Sooo Good! Sensory-Seeking Behaviors

10: I Want What I Want When I Want It! Satisfying a Tangible Need

PART 3: Final Thoughts

11: Let’s Be Honest: Whose Behavior are We Really Changing?

12: ASD and Behavior Change Glossary

Glossary

Appendices

A: Behavior Plan Worksheet

B: The Crisis Plan

About the Author

Foreword

Barbara Becker-Cottrill, EdD, BCBA

You Can’t Make Me! Pro-Active Strategies for Positive Behavior Change in Children is a book for everyone who interacts with children or any-aged individual who struggles with challenging behavior. Dr. Ball is an expert at tackling the mystery of behavior change, dissecting complex terms and procedures, and translating them into easy-to-understand and easy-to-apply strategies. But he underscores the fact that behavior change is not easy. It requires hard work, discipline, and a do-not-give-up attitude. This book will equip the reader with the necessary background about how to view behavior change, offer useful tools and strategies, and how to put it all together into a positive behavior plan.

After outlining some behavior basics, Dr. Ball lays the framework for why understanding the function of a challenging behavior is critical, and how that understanding can, literally, change lives. He describes, step by step, how to determine the function of a behavior and how to create a behavior plan that ultimately improves the quality of life for all involved. He brings the creation of a behavior plan to life through his relatable scenarios of real-life behavior situations. As he acknowledges, every person and family is unique but readers will most definitely find points of value in each scenario. The scenarios read like short stories, piquing the reader’s interest to discover how the story turns out. Readers are taken on a journey that explains when and why things go wrong, and then, with the understanding of the function of the behavior in hand and using the positive strategies he suggests, how and why things go right.

A key point throughout the book is the need for adults to change their behavior. Dr. Ball explains in careful detail how adults can do just that. There are many lists of tips throughout the book that are relatable and doable. The scenarios explain the planning process from beginning to end with clear illustrations of what the adults in the situation had to do to bring about meaningful behavior change in the child.

There is a special section of the book devoted to working with individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). This section focuses on some of the unique challenges facing these individuals with some strategies to consider when working through those challenges. Dr. Ball stresses that a behavior plan is not a treatment plan. A behavior plan addresses the function of a challenging behavior and the positive strategies that will be used to bring about behavior change. A treatment plan addresses the whole child and as Dr. Ball suggests, a treatment plan is something you want for an individual with ASD. The behavior plan that he guides readers in using throughout the book will be a part of the overall treatment plan. Do not skip reading the whole book if ASD is part of your life. Everything that comes before still applies to parents of children with ASD.

After helping the reader learn to develop a behavior plan, Dr. Ball provides a comprehensive behavior plan worksheet. Given all the tools and strategies he has provided and real-life examples of how to use them, readers will be able to begin the behavior-planning process. As Dr. Ball states, seeking consultation from a professional may greatly assist in some situations. And, there is a section on crisis situations which is filled with practical information about how to respond under crisis.

Whether you are a parent, educator, psychologist, or therapist, this is a must-read book for bringing about positive behavior change. I am certain that my mother would have greatly benefitted from this book given some of my meltdowns back in the day. Readers will feel like Dr. Ball is sitting in your living room or classroom talking with you. And there is no doubt that as your behavior changes, so will your child’s challenging behavior improve. Get ready to become a “behavior sleuth,” get your behavior investigator hat on, and get your tool box ready. After reading this book, you will know you can do this!

Preface

You could say that for the last thirty-some years, the topic of behavior has been foremost on my mind, in my work, and in my life in one way or another. I began my career as a teacher aide working with two students with autism, Laura and Kevin, at the Eden Institute in Princeton, New Jersey in the mid-1980s. I had never heard of “autism” before and, quite honestly, didn’t understand all that much about what autism looked like or how it manifested in kids. I had been very active doing volunteer work for Special Olympics and, without knowing it, had probably worked with a young person or a couple on the spectrum already. Eden Institute introduced me to a behavior modification approach called Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) that was popular at that time. Eden staff used it to teach their students with autism and other developmental disabilities who struggled with behavior, social, and emotional challenges. I was trained in how to use Discrete Trial Teaching (DTT), one teaching method within ABA, and also how to use behavior modification techniques to teach appropriate behaviors. This gave me a solid foundation in behavior modification and deciphering why one person does one behavior while another person does a different behavior in the same situation and under similar conditions.

ABA taught me to slow down and take a really close look at the children on my caseload, to see the world and a particular situation through their eyes, and just as importantly, to check out what was going on around the child and figure out how and to what extent that “everything else” was impacting a child’s behavior. (As you’ll learn, that “everything else” is often the driving factor in a child’s behavior!) ABA provided me with tools to help those who needed my help. When I used the tools and techniques, lives changed for the better. Kids’ behaviors became more functional, positive, and appropriate. Moms and dads learned what to do and what not to do to maintain a healthy relationship with their kids and reduce or eliminate tantrums and meltdowns in most situations.

Years after, the Behavior Analytic Certification Board (BACB) came out with the Board-Certified Behavior Analysts (BACB) distinction. It was a perfect follow-up to my years of training and what had now become my chosen profession. Most of what I learned in my early career, the nuts and bolts about changing or improving behavior, I still use today in my work. It may be over thirty years later, and decades of evolution have passed in understanding how we teach children to behave, but certain tools and techniques stand the test of time. It’s this timeless information that I choose to pass along to my clients, to parents and teachers, to therapists and school administrators alike. Why? Because it works.

Behavior isn’t an isolated event. It’s a statement about the relationship between a person and his or her environment. To work on behavior means establishing a relationship together. I still stay in contact with many of the great kids and families I’ve worked with throughout the years. I’ve become friends with most because of the experiences we’ve shared together. Several students have been part of my life from the time they were three to now being thirty-three. The one common thread weaving us together always has and always will be a mutual respect for one another. In reality, any relationship of any kind requires both participants to modify their behavior if the relationship is to last. How we each do that eventually defines the quality of that relationship: good, bad, or indifferent.

It’s ironic sometimes how life brings us experiences at just the right time to propel us forward in the direction we need to go. It wasn’t until I became a father that I gained a new perspective on how hard the parenting experience can be and how easily the best plans can go awry. When my youngest was born, I took one look and immediately fell in love with him. Like most parents, I vowed I would protect my son, Zach, at all costs. Keep him safe. Keep him happy. And, like most parents, this resulted in me allowing him to do whatever he wanted to do most of the time. When he was young, he certainly took full advantage of this parenting style I had adopted and got away with a lot of marginally acceptable behavior!

Then school happened. Zach was a well-behaved student and did what he was told. However, he was not very motivated and school involved school work. As the adult in the relationship, it fell on me to come up with a reinforcement system that would motivate Zach to do his work. Over the next few months of trial and error, I experienced feelings of frustration alongside the countless times I thought to myself “this is hard” or “what am I missing?” Any parent who has tried to figure out the mind of the child knows that we all too often, and too quickly, think “this will surely work” or “it worked for [a sibling] so why won’t it work for him?” When we get to our wit’s end, the all too familiar strain echoes across generations of parents: “I’ve tried everything else and this has to work!” Eventually, it all came together, our emotions leveled again, and the system worked to Zach’s benefit. (Okay, to my benefit, too, because those feelings of failure can just suck the life out of you.)

This was truly an “a-ha” personal experience in understanding what motivates our kids to act or not act in a particular situation. Book learning aside, it was this personal step into parenting that opened my eyes to just how complex our behaviors can be. I more deeply understood that as a therapist or coach (an outsider), it was easy to tell parents how to handle a behavior problem or teach a positive replacement behavior for something the child was doing that was inappropriate. However, in the thick of a tantrum or meltdown, when that child is yours and your hopes and dreams are wrapped up tightly into everything you say or do in that tentative, tenuous moment, there is so much going on that is often overlooked. I became much more sympathetic and empathetic to families, but also much more emphatic with them on certain things that directly affected the outcome, like consistency, patience, and communication. Instead of jumping right into “fixing” a behavior, I learned to get to know the family, their culture, the parents’ parenting style, and the child. We went slow, step by step, and made a plan to achieve their behavior goals for their child and themselves.

Shaping and changing behavior is a journey. We don’t change behavior overnight. There are many different moving parts to consider and each child and family needs to create a plan, adapt that plan over time, and learn the tools that will be meaningful and effective within their relationship. That involves learning what we can change and what we can’t. It involves candid conversation about the family: where they are physically, emotionally, culturally, and socially. Then, my job is to guide them to plan for the moment—to be able to handle trouble when it appears—and plan for the future, to think long term. And throughout it all, to enjoy their child and each experience together. I want them to be happy. I want you to be happy, too. So, let’s roll up our sleeves and get to work!

Introduction

Behavior is a constantly moving interaction between us and our environment. We tend to define behaviors as what we see: an individual’s words or actions, a reaction to his or her environment. Our behavior and emotions are intricately intertwined. What we feel affects what we do or say, and others’ emotions and behaviors affect us in turn. This constant flow of action and reaction occurs throughout our waking hours (and in our dreams), the expressions often happening in nanoseconds of time and often from what feels like an unconscious source within us. Whether the behavior takes the form of an ever-so-slightly raised eyebrow or it manifests as an explosion of words and actions, it can be a powerful force.

Communication is a fundamental need. It helps us feel connected. ALL behavior is communication.

Children are shaped by both nature and nurture. The inherent characteristics they are born with grow and develop through a more-or-less typical pattern of development and are molded and influenced by children’s environment: the people, places, and experiences they encounter. Functional communication is a huge milestone in children’s development and a cause for celebration! Children learn they can begin to exert some control of what’s going on around them. They are able to get their basic needs and wants met in relatively appropriate ways. As children progress through other developmental stages, they become more social and they start learning about themselves in relation to others. They begin to express their thoughts and preferences, comment on the world, and explore it in many different ways. Communication is a basic need. It helps us feel connected.

We also strive to be problem solvers, as best we can with the knowledge and tools we’ve learned. Babies as young as eight months old are shaking, throwing, or banging toys to figure out what will happen. Children engage in more intentional problem solving throughout their first year as they start using observation and imitation to solve problems. What can I do with this toy in front of me? I see Mom presses one of the buttons and it makes a noise. I can try that, too. These emerging problem-solving abilities are mostly child-centric (getting their own needs or desires met), but the curiosity and intent to explore is there. This ongoing journey in discovery also lays the groundwork for understanding cause and effect relationships as children grow and mature.

Children naturally want to figure things out. They want to regain calm if the situation is making them feel unsettled or afraid or unhappy. They want help when they feel fearful or unsure. They want to share in their delight if what’s happening makes them feel absolutely wonderful.

Children naturally want to behave; it feels good to them.

But children don’t always know how to behave. That’s where most behavior problems start.

Children also intrinsically want to behave; it’s naturally satisfying to them to receive the positive attention this brings about. But children don’t always know how to behave. Maybe the situation is new or unfamiliar, maybe they haven’t yet learned appropriate social skills, maybe they’re feeling so stressed their words won’t come or they don’t have an adequate emotional vocabulary to share what they’re feeling. When behavior in children takes a turn for the worse, adults need to always remember: something feels wrong in their world and they don’t know what to do about it. They may withdraw and get silent, or their emotions may erupt in an uncontrollable way. This is when their words or actions shift from being simply “behavior” to a “behavior problem.”

Who Is This Book For?

Pretty much anyone and everyone who interacts with others. Parents and caregivers, definitely. Educators and therapists, of course. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, teacher aides, social workers, Cub Scout leaders, soccer coaches (coaches of all kinds), Sunday school leaders, you’re all included here. Behavior affects everyone.

How About the Kids—What Age Ranges Does the Content Cover?

Here’s the thing: thinking one behavior plan works for a five-year-old while a different behavior plan is needed for a ten-year-old is what a lot of books and information sources on behavior would lead you to believe. The same goes for “typical” kids versus the child with a disorder, such as ADHD or autism spectrum disorder (ASD). There is a morsel of truth to this, as we don’t teach a five-year-old in the same way and with the same language and expectations as we would a twelve-year-old. Five-year-olds aren’t developmentally able to do the same things as twelve-year-olds. But the basic parts of the plan, the basic strategies used—that’s the same across the ages. The content in this book will provide you with the structure for a behavior plan that you can use with all kids and all age ranges. The components of the plan will be the same, the strategies you’ll learn will be the same, the assumptions you’ll be encouraged to remember will be the same. However, how the plan is designed and implemented will change based on the child’s age and functioning level. We’ll explain all that to you, too!

What in This Book Will Help Me?

Dare we say it? Everything! This book will explore the different functions of behavior. It will walk the reader through a variety of scenarios that will explore why a child may engage in a specific behavior. It will then analyze, from a behavioral perspective, how you as the adult can use the behavior private-eye skills we’ll share to figure out what’s going on and create a functional behavior program that will work and be meaningful for all.

You’ll learn not only the “how” of changing behavior but more importantly, the “who/what/why” it happens in the first place, so next time (and there will be a next time!) you’re better prepared, better tuned into what’s going on with your child, and more experienced in grabbing a strategy or two from your behavior toolbox to help your child and diffuse the situation.

What you’ll find in this book:

Short, quick to read, and easy to understand chapters about behavior and behavior change.

Stories that illustrate six main functions of behavior.

A unique look into behavior through the eyes of a child.

An on-the-spot behavior assessment tool to help you figure out the situation and why it’s getting out of control.

A worksheet to create a behavior plan to reduce problematic behaviors.

In-the-moment strategies adults can use when problems occur, and longer-term strategies to implement over time.

What you won’t find in this book:

Any claim that this is the one book you need to read about behavior; run away from any book that tells you this.

A comprehensive discussion of behaviorism or different types of behavioral approaches complete with references to double-blind, placebo-controlled research studies. We BCBA-types love this style of content, but this book is for everyone else.

Explanations of behavior written through the lens of a single disorder or learning disability, although we will talk about how certain disorders, such as ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, or communication disorders may complicate a situation, and we do have a special chapter at the end of the book related to ASD.

What’s the Next Step?

Read through the chapters in Part 1 in order. Resist the urge to skip ahead to the chapter(s) in Part 2 that describe the type of problem you’re having now. Why? The content in Part 1 will prime your brain to better understand what’s going on in those scenarios in Part 2. In Part 1, you’ll start learning those behavior investigator skills you want to develop. You’ll be able to start noticing the behavior warning signs that are always present, which can trigger your own behaviors to more quickly resolve a situation and appreciate not just why the child fell apart, but what could have been done to prevent it. Think of it as your own developmental journey in understanding the nature of behavior, why behaviors occur, and learning tools and strategies that can help you and your child. Get your toolbox ready!

PART

1

Why Does My Child Do That?

Most parents have a few (or more) books or bookmarked websites about children’s behavior as part of their learning-to-be-a-parent arsenal. That’s a good thing. Children’s behavior is a constantly shifting experience that ranges from “all kids go through this” to “why does my child do this?” and parents’ questions fall somewhere along that broad and expansive spectrum. In this chapter we aim to spotlight some of the basic, commonly expressed and accepted ideas around behavior and behavior change and add a new level of insight to help you understand your child’s behavior. Before we can sensibly explore behavior through the eyes of the child, we need some common understanding of this vast and complex topic.

And vast it is! An online search of the phrase “what is behavior?” returns 1,240,000,000 (that’s over one trillion) results! Narrow that down further to a definition of “good behavior” (290,000,000 results) or “bad behavior” (241,000,000 results) and it’s still mind-numbingly overwhelming.

So, let’s get simple with it and review some of the basics.

Behavior is generally defined by what we see. When we talk about “behavior,” we are usually talking about the way people act, talk, gesture, or conduct themselves. It’s the words they use, their tone of voice, and all the other nonverbal behaviors that convey meaning. We think about behavior as what we “do,” yet it includes what we don’t do or don’t say. Consider how loudly our behavior speaks if we turn our head and respond with silence when someone asks us a question.

All behavior is communication. From the first moment of life, babies communicate through their behavior. Every parent knows the intrinsic joy of a child’s coos and smiles that signal all is right in the world and the heart-gripping anxiety when the child’s behavior lets you know something in his or her world is not right.

If you remember nothing else from this book, we implore you to remember this: all behavior is communication. It may or may not be the type of communication you’d prefer to see, but a child’s behavior is a message to you, and as the adult in the interaction, it’s your job to figure out what message is being sent. Crying, screaming, hitting, snuggling, kissing, singing... it’s the language children use to communicate. As they grow and mature, our hope is that they begin to use words to communicate their thoughts and feelings; but even as adults, our words can fail us. Our nonverbal behavior remains the constant.

We talk about behavior as opposites when it’s really a spectrum. Most people perceive behavior as either “good” (appropriate, acceptable, helpful, thoughtful, etc.) or “bad” (inappropriate, unacceptable, damaging, potentially dangerous). There surely are times when a child’s behavior is at one of the extreme ends of this continuum, but most of the time it’s somewhere in between. That’s because behavior is dependent on so many variables and as variables change so can the behavior. Michelle Garcia Winner (2008), a pioneer in the world of social behavior and creator of the Social Thinking ® Methodology, refers to these opposites as “expected” and “unexpected” rather than the more subjective terms “good” or “bad.” (Good or bad by whose definition?) We like this better because it encompasses all these variables and posits that the label we give to a child’s behavior is situation-driven and, beyond that, culturally and to some extent socioeconomic-driven. The behavior that’s “expected” in one situation may be “unexpected” in another.

An example: a seven-year-old child is running around with abandon, his language is loud and nonsensical, arms flying in all directions, non-stop motion and movement. Is that expected or unexpected behavior? If you said, “It depends,” you’re exactly right! If that child is outside pretending to be a superhero, this behavior is expected. If he happens to be at the doctor’s office, it’s unexpected. Context is important to keep in mind throughout our discussions. Here’s another example: a family is at the dinner table and one of the children is playing a video game. For some parents, this is perfectly fine; for others, it’s against the dinnertime rules. Same situation, different expectations based on family dynamics and preferences.

There are rules around behavior. Cultures and societies are defined by behavior rules; this is how its members understand what is expected of them. When we go to the store, we pay for our purchases; they are not free. When people are waiting in line, we take our place at the end; we don’t go to the front of the line and cut in. Some of the rules are widely known, legally enforced, and apply to everyone. Other rules are “hidden rules”—the behaviors we are expected to know (learned mainly by watching others during the course of our development) but are usually not specifically talked about or taught. Often, these hidden rules reflect social norms and social behaviors, and it’s here that many people with socially-based disorders (autism spectrum disorders, ADHD, social communication disorder, etc.) or head trauma/brain injury struggle.

All groups have social and behavior rules. If we use the word “groups” rather than culture or society, we begin to appreciate that all groups have rules, whether the group is millions of people or even just two. Two people who are romantic partners will have their own rules around how they act toward each other in public and private situations. Two people who work at the same office will have different rules that govern how they act toward each other.

Judge Judy... and Tom... and Mark... and Melissa. Other people judge us all the time, and we judge others and what they are saying or doing all the time. It’s just the way life is and it’s such an ingrained part of who we are that most of the time we don’t even realize we are doing it. We have thoughts about what’s going on around us, what other people are saying or not saying, doing or not doing, and right there alongside our thoughts are our feelings. They jump in and we have a reaction. It may be a tiny, almost unrecognizable reaction—a little twinge—but that twinge happens and it affects what we do next, how we respond. Sometimes our reaction may seem like no reaction; we feel neutral or okay or whatever the person around us did or said just doesn’t seem to affect us. But if you think about it, in and of itself that is still a reaction, a response.

The takeaway idea is this: others label our behaviors in any situation as expected or unexpected, good or bad, caring or thoughtless. And then they react to us based on their perceptions, not based on what we think about what we said or did. We experience the same process. How we perceive others’ behaviors affects how we respond to them and think about them: whether we view them as nice, thoughtful, obnoxious, or selfish. Here’s the kicker: this back-and-forth internal experience that goes on continually when we’re around other people eventually affects how we think and feel about ourselves. Whether or not we are directly interacting with the people around us, we ultimately have thoughts and feelings about what’s happening and that drives our response.

Separate the behavior from the child. Behavior is an action or reaction to what’s happening in the moment. It’s not the sum total of who we are. Stop for a moment and consider the following sentence pairs. Pay attention to those little feeling twinges we mentioned before. Do you react differently about one way of talking about the child versus the other?

Jake, you’re rude.

Jake, the words you said to Paula were rude.

Penny, you’re a mean girl.

Penny, calling Sammi a name is a mean thing to do.

Keep the behavior separate from the child. Talk about what the child is doing or saying as problematic or needing to change. When in the thick of a behavior challenge, keep focused on what’s happening and how to change the behavior, not the child.

Words matter! The words we use to describe our children (to ourselves and others), the words we say to our children, the thoughts (words) we say to ourselves all influence how we behave, act, and react in a given situation. Our thoughts and feelings are triggers to our behaviors. You’ll notice more being said about these all-important triggers— in ourselves and our kids—in chapters to come. For now, think about the words you use to describe your child. Is she a loner or is she comfortable with herself and can happily occupy herself? Does he talk too much or is he a great conversationalist? Is she inflexible or does she like things to have their own place? Think about it.

Tantrum or meltdown? Many people take a loose approach to vocabulary, especially in today’s world of texting, tweets, memes, and IMs. Related to the previous idea that words matter is the idea that how we describe a child’s behavior (as a tantrum or meltdown) also affects our perception—and response—to the situation. Some professionals view “tantrum” as the old-school way of describing a child’s behavior and today use “meltdown” as a more politically-correct description. Other professionals ascribe different meanings to each word.

Tantrum (temper tantrum, hissy fit, flare-up, blowup, etc.) are words used to describe an emotional outburst in a young child.

Assumptions associated here include:

The child is trying to obtain something he or she wants at the moment (attention, a toy, etc.).

The behavior is viewed as intentional and/or manipulative.

The child maintains some level of emotional and/or behavior control during the episode.

Tantrums are thought to be milder in intensity and shorter in duration and that if the adult ignores the child’s tantrum, it will eventually fade away.

Tantrums are often learned behavior, which we’ll discuss in more detail in future chapters.

Meltdowns are viewed as more severe and uncontrollable outbursts. Jed Baker, author of the popular book

No More Meltdowns

(2008) defines them this way: “‘Meltdowns are escalating negative emotional reactions.”

We talk about them as falling apart, going to pieces, losing it, or a total collapse.

They are more breakdowns than outbursts, disintegration of a child’s capacity to self-regulate feelings or behaviors.

Meltdowns overtake a child and last until the child wears himself or herself out or the parent/adult can soothe and calm the child.

Often meltdowns arise from sensory overload, where the child is unable to escape a situation that may be causing physical pain and emotional distress.

Neither word choice on your part is right or wrong. However, the word you do choose may influence how you react to the child when his or her behavior turns toward the unexpected.

If you view your child’s behavior as a tantrum, you may (unconsciously) prescribe intention to your child’s behavior. “He knows better and he’s choosing to misbehave.” “He’s acting out because he can’t get what he wants.” As parents, we may feel justified or less anxious about doling out a consequence when we think the child is acting in a certain way “on purpose.” What parent has not had this thought: “He knows the rules, he broke the rules, he deserves the consequence/punishment”?

Then there are those tricky feelings that can muck up the experience. A behavior outburst is no fun and we’re all human in our efforts to exert control. We try to do our best; we make mistakes nonetheless. We react with a spectrum of feelings when our kids misbehave, from getting mad that the child is “deliberately” disregarding the rules to feeling betrayed that the child doesn’t love us enough to do what we ask. (And yes, we feel ashamed about some of those thoughts and feelings we experience.) The point is that, as adults, we can get caught up in those feelings and attribute a degree of intentionality to a child that is far beyond what the child is developmentally capable of displaying! Hold that thought for later chapters.

If, however, you view the behavior explosion as a meltdown, you may emotionally feel sympathetic toward the child. It’s uncontrollable; it’s not his fault. We may more easily abandon the behavior-consequences plan because we feel sorry for our child and his or her difficulties, especially if any type of developmental or social-emotional challenge is present. Ideas such as, “His life is so hard as it is; it won’t hurt to give in this time,” or “He’s had a tough day; let’s just let this go this time,” are ripe territory for being inconsistent in our behaviors toward our children.

This idea of intentionality is an important undercurrent in understanding our children’s behavior. How we perceive it can support or sabotage our best efforts.

Parents are a mighty force to bring about positive behavior change. Two popular reality television series aired in 2004-2005 offering parents concrete and doable advice on dealing with their children’s behaviors. Nanny 911 (2004-2009) and Supernanny (2005-2012) tackled the everyday behavior problems parents encountered, from physical aggression, to bossy siblings, to outbursts and tantrums in all sorts of environments. Week to week, spanning more than 170 episodes, viewers watched as kids’ behaviors seemed to “magically” improve using the techniques the nannies taught. The interesting thing (that it took adults some time to catch on to) was this: the nannies were teaching the adults to change their behavior. The show wasn’t about changing the children’s behaviors, although this was the happy ending of each episode. The nannies gave parents tools and strategies, taught them how to put behavior rules in place and be consistent in applying them, and how to find and use meaningful rewards and consequences. There was nothing magic about it then; there’s nothing magic about it today.

Ultimately, the goal of this chapter is to move your thinking beyond where it is now and realize that what you think and say about yourself, your child, and the situation affect the outcomes. With this as a foundation, we can start building the structure in the chapters that follow that will help you support a child’s behavior. It starts with you.

The next chapter delves into the components of an effective behavior plan. One of the first steps will be to define a behavior you want to work on. But before we can do that, there are a few other factors to talk about, factors that run under the surface of conscious functioning and affect whether or not, or to what extent, a child can behave. In this chapter we’ll talk about the double Ds: disorders and development.

The behaviors we exhibit arise as a result of several variables:

Where we are. Is the setting familiar or a new, perhaps stress-inducing, setting?

Who we are with. Family, friends, or strangers? Familiarity plays a huge role.

What we are feeling. When we feel calm and secure, our behaviors reflect this. When we feel tense, frustrated, angry, or cheated, our behaviors may be more erratic and unexpected for the situation.

Our ability to cognitively process the situation. A two-year-old will understand and respond to a situation in a much simpler way than an eleven-year-old or a thirty-year-old. That’s development and it has a huge effect on our behaviors.

Whether or not a disorder is present in the child (diagnosed or undiagnosed). By definition, this means other factors are at play that will affect how a child processes information, learns, acts, or reacts in any situation.

Our ability to self-regulate. Self-regulation refers to several adaptive skills that work in tandem and that make us able to assess a situation and figure out which behaviors are expected/unexpected in that setting. Self-regulation encompasses skills such as:

Social observation: being able to identify the important elements to make meaning of what’s going on and ignore the rest of what’s happening.

Interpreting the possible thoughts, intentions, and behaviors of others.

Being able to communicate our desires, intentions, and goals in some functional manner.

Using negotiation and other problem solving strategies to figure out what to do or say.

Controlling our impulses and/or delaying gratification when things are not going according to plan or in a desired direction.

Being able to self-soothe or use positive self-talk to get through a situation.

Knowing when to leave the situation appropriately.

Variables one and two are external to the child and, in general, are things we can manipulate to improve or change a child’s behavior. Variables three through six are internal and require a different approach when it comes to helping our children and working with them on their behaviors.

Our Feelings

Our feelings are our feelings; mine are mine, yours are yours. Maybe they’re the same in any given situation and maybe they’re different. Age, maturity level, ability to take perspective or feel empathy for others—all this (and more) impacts what we’re feeling in any given moment on any given day. So does simply feeling tired, hot, or hungry. (Who can’t relate to how tricky our feelings get when we’re tired, hot, AND hungry?) While we do want to help our children better understand, talk about, and deal with their feelings, our goal is not to change their feelings as part of a behavior plan. We can, however, help them learn how to handle the behaviors they show on the outside as a reaction to the feelings they’re experiencing on the inside.

But honestly, we see it all the time: well-meaning adults who think a child’s feelings need to change, creating an expectation the child probably will not be able to live up to and that will result in further frustration in both parent and child. What’s going on here? We think it’s this: many adults mistakenly assume that if the feelings change, the behavior change will naturally follow. Missing from this if-then flow of logic being used in an otherwise illogical equation is... our thoughts. We suggest that it’s our thoughts that drive our behavior choices, not our feelings. Consider this example: a close friend promises to help you do something that you can’t do by yourself, and at the last minute cancels because her son is running a fever of 102. You were counting on her help and had everything set up, organized to go. You feel let down, angry for the last minute cancellation, disappointed, etc. That’s what’s going on inside, what you feel in your heart. In your brain a different, or similar, picture may be unfolding. Maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “I’ll never ask her for help again,” or “She knows I can’t handle this myself.” Maybe you’re thinking, “Gosh, that’s terrible. I completely understand and I hope her son is okay.” You may still feel disappointed or let-down, but you get it. Her cancelling wasn’t intentional to hurt you; it was understandable. Your response to her reflects this. Your feelings didn’t change, but your thoughts moderated the behavior you chose to show.

So, we’ll state this again to be sure you got it: we’re not here to tell kids their feelings are wrong, unjustified, bad, or selfish; to label their feelings in any negative way; or to make changing their feelings the “behavior change” we set up in our behavior plan. As parents, teachers, or caregivers, we want children to know unequivocally that we respect their feelings as their own. It’s the behavioral expression of the feelings, not the feelings themselves, we work to change.

Thoughts, feelings, behaviors—it’s a continuous processing loop that repeats over and over through every situation we experience. The child who struggles to self-regulate because of weak abilities in any of the self-regulation areas listed above will react with behavior that is unexpected, challenging, or problematic. That’s where we, as adults and teachers, step in to figure things out. View that “problem” behavior as an opportunity in disguise, as the child directly communicating with you and throwing out the red flag that certain skills are missing from her repertoire that would have allowed her to behave in an appropriate way.

Maybe It’s Developmental