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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Ratgeber
- Sprache: Englisch
Stay connected through the tween and teen years, feel less alone, and tackle today's toughest parenting issues
Do you feel like you are the only one struggling while raising your teenager? Academic stress, mental health, tech usage, competitive athletics, self-esteem issues, adolescent apathy, disrespectful behavior—it's tough to be a teen these days, and just as tough to parent one. If you're in the thick of it with your adolescent—or if you're getting a jumpstart on this difficult time—this book can help you untangle the complex challenges and improve your relationship with your kids. In You're Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn't Like Me Either, beloved parenting blogger Whitney Fleming empowers parents to shift their mindsets and approach their relationship with their teens with renewed optimism and understanding.
There's no perfect guidebook for parenting tweens and teens because there is no one-size-fits-all approach that actually works when it comes to raising kids. Each parent-child dynamic is different, and each adolescent has a unique personality and challenges all their own. But mostly, raising adolescents means parents will learn about themselves—the good, the bad, and the ugly. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship. This book will help you:
- Unpack and work through the complicated emotions, issues or traumas you may bring into the relationship with your big kids
- Stop trying to be a “good” parent—instead, become the parent your kid needs
- Let go of fear and anxiety to help your kids take risks and build resilience
- Manage and rethink your approach to social media, smartphones, and other unprecedented parenting challenges
- Learn how to break free from the common pitfalls that prevent many parents from helping their children thrive
- Challenge yourself and your family values, and redefine what it means to be there for your child in every way
Overwhelmed parents of teens and tweens will find validation, encouragement, practical advice, and relatable humor in You're Not a Failure. Discover that you're not alone in your struggles, and find a way forward, for you and your child.
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Seitenzahl: 324
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Table of Contents
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
INTRODUCTION
WE ARE NOT OUR PARENTING MISTAKES AND WE ARE NOT OUR KIDS’ ACHIEVEMENTS
CHAPTER ONE: YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU THINK RAISING TEENS IS HARD
DEALING WITH THE CRAZY
WHEN THE TIDES TURNED
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER TWO: UNPACKING THE BOXES WE CARRY WITH US
UNDERSTANDING OUR OWN EMOTIONS FIRST
DO THE WORK
SMALL CHANGES HAVE BIG IMPACTS
LEARNING TO LEAN IN
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER THREE: MIDDLE SCHOOL IS THE WORST
SEVENTH GRADE SUCKS THE WORST
WHEN YOU’RE IN THE EYE OF A HURRICANE, YOU CAN’T ALWAYS SEE THE DESTRUCTION HAPPENING AROUND YOU
OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS LIKE A BLISTER
TAKING AWAY THE FRICTION IN A RELATIONSHIP
HEALING TAKES TIME AND EFFORT
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER FOUR: I WANT TO RAISE MORE THAN GOOD-ON-PAPER KIDS
BUILDING UP HEARTS MORE THAN RESUMES
PERFORMANCE-BASED PARENTING IS KILLING OUR KIDS
HOW DO WE STOP PERFORMANCE-BASED PARENTING?
WHERE DO WE START?
HOW DO WE FIND THE BALANCE WHEN RAISING OUR TEENS?
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER FIVE: WHOSE DREAM IS IT?
WE ALL HAVE DREAMS FOR OUR CHILDREN
WHEN WE LOSE OUR WAY, WE CAN ALWAYS PIVOT
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER SIX: SOFT PARENTING IN A HARD WORLD
THERE IS NO MANUAL FOR RAISING TODAY’S TEENAGERS
SOMETIMES LOVING THROUGH THE HARD MEANS GIVING GRACE
SOFT DOES NOT MEAN YOU’RE A DOORMAT
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER SEVEN: SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO LET THEM TRY STUFF ON
TEENAGERS HAVE YET TO LEARN WHO THEY ARE
YOU MAY BE SURPRISED WHERE THEY START OFF AND END UP
SOMETIMES WHAT THEY TRY ON IS A PERFECT FIT
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER EIGHT: IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT THE PHONE: MANAGING TECH IN AN ALWAYS-ON WORLD
SOCIAL MEDIA IS A GAME CHANGER
TAKING THE PHONE OUT OF THE EQUATION
WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON OUR KIDS’ PERSONAL GROWTH AND NOT JUST THE PHONES
IT’S NOT ABOUT THE TIME WE SPEND ON IT, BUT HOW WE’RE USING IT
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER NINE: WHY IS HIGH SCHOOL SO HARD?
IT HELPS TO REMEMBER THAT HIGH SCHOOL IS TOUGH FOR EVERYONE
ALL HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCES ARE NOT THE SAME
STAYING CONNECTED DURING THESE HIGH SCHOOL YEARS
HOW TO HELP YOUR TEEN HAVE A MORE POSITIVE HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER TEN: WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE A BAD MOM
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL AS BAD ABOUT YOUR PARENTING AS A TEENAGER
IT’S ALL PERSONAL
IT’S WHAT YOU DO NEXT THAT MATTERS
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER ELEVEN: MANAGING THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER OF RAISING TEENAGERS
CONTROLLING OUR EMOTIONS SO THEY DON’T CONTROL US
HOW I LEARNED HOW TO UNDERSTAND MY TRIGGERS
WHY ARE THEY THE WAY THAT THEY ARE? UNDERSTANDING YOUR TEEN’S BEHAVIOR
HORMONES AND THE TEEN BRAIN
INFORMATION OVERLOAD
QUEST FOR INDEPENDENCE
STRESS
PERSONAL PROBLEMS
TUG-OF-WAR OVER RULES AND BOUNDARIES
THE LONG GAME OF PARENTING: TEACHING OUR BIG KIDS HOW TO COPE
HOW TO GET BUY-IN FROM YOUR TEENAGERS
PLAY THE LONG GAME
MOVING FORWARD
CHAPTER TWELVE: THE HARDEST PART OF RAISING TEENS IS LETTING GO
THE DAY PARTY POTATOES BROKE ME
THERE CAN ALWAYS BE SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO
HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE EMPTY NEST
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: HOW TO LOVE A TEENAGER
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT
YOU CAN START FRESH EVERY DAY
THERE IS STILL TIME
STAY IN THE OPEN
DATE YOUR BIG KIDS
DO THE UNEXPECTED
PERSPECTIVE IS EVERYTHING
THEY HAVE TO MESS UP TO GROW UP
STAY IN THE VILLAGE
BE VULNERABLE
ONE FINAL NOTE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
End User License Agreement
Guide
Cover
Table of Contents
PRAISE FOR YOU’RE NOT A FAILURE
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
INTRODUCTION
Begin Reading
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
End User License Agreement
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PRAISE FOR YOU’RE NOT A FAILURE
“You’re Not a Failure sweeps the cobwebs of weariness from parents’ souls and reminds them that they are enough, and not alone. Each page is overflowing with Whitney’s heart-centered wisdom that we have come to know and love. This is a must-read for parents of tweens and teens.”
—Michelle Mitchell, parenting educator, tweens and teens specialist
“Thank God for Whitney Fleming and her practical advice on parenting teens. As someone raising three (almost four) of them right now, You’re Not a Failure is just what I needed.”
—Jess Johnston, national bestselling co-author of Here For It (the Good, the Bad, and the Queso)
“With raw honesty and well-earned insights, Fleming unpacks the roller coaster ride of raising a teenager today. You’re Not a Failure is the roadmap every parent needs by their side. After reading this book from start to finish, you’ll want to keep it handy to reread chapters whenever you hit little bumps or giant potholes in the road.”
—Jessica Speer, award-winning author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends), Middle School—Safety Goggles Advised, and The Phone Book
“Whitney Fleming normalizes one of the most difficult times in a parent’s journey. She shines a light into all the ugly and dark corners, allowing us to rid ourselves of the shame and frustration while at the same time helping us navigate it with wisdom and kindness. I am so grateful for this book and all of Whitney’s work.”
—Asia Mape, three-time Emmy Award–winning journalist, founder of Ilovetowatchyouplay, and the mother of three daughters
“In a world where we’re constantly bombarded with confusing and guilt-producing messages on how to parent our teenagers the ‘right way,’ Whitney’s book is a breath of fresh air. You’re Not a Failure is filled with honest stories and insightful wisdom that cuts through the noise and chaos, providing reassurance and clarity. With humor that lightens the load and practical steps at the end of each chapter, this book is a must-read for any mom feeling lost or overwhelmed. Whitney helps us focus on what truly matters the most—the relationship with our teens. This book is a beacon of hope and support that every mom of a tween or teen needs to read.”
—Sheryl Gould, parenting educator, author, founder of Moms of Tweens and Teens, and host of The Moms of Tweens and Teens podcast
“This book is a journey and an invitation through parenting the teenage years—through all the joys and missteps we’re bound to face along the way. Whitney Fleming becomes the friend you can count on, no matter what. She tells the brutal truth and offers helpful tools to both maintain our sanity and build relationship with our growing kids as they wander through these difficult and beautiful times.”
—Mikala Albertson, MD, author of Everything I Wish I Could Tell You About Midlife: A Woman’s Guide to Health in the Body You Actually Have
“This book is full of golden nuggets that will really help you be the parent your teen needs as they cross the bumpy road to adulthood. It’s raw, real, and full of practical things that will make a positive difference in your home.”
—Maggie Dent, parenting author, educator, and podcaster
YOU’RE NOT A FAILURE
MY TEEN DOESN’T LIKE ME EITHER
WHITNEY FLEMING
Copyright © 2025 by Whitney Fleming. All rights reserved.
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.
ISBNs: 9781394251988 (Paperback), 9781394251995 (ePDF), 9781394252008 (ePub)
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 750-4470, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permission.
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2024024161
Cover Art: © GETTY IMAGES | MIRAGE - C
Cover Design: Paul McCarthy
To my friends and followers on Facebook who encouraged me to write a book. I only pursued this outlandish endeavor because of your love and support.
And to every parent of big kids who feels alone in their struggles, this book is for you.
INTRODUCTION
Our value as a parent is not the sum of our kids’ accomplishments and mistakes. It’s the relationship we have with them and how we both grow through it that matters most.
–Whitney Fleming
Modern parenting is bananas.
There. I said it.
It often feels like I’m being pulled in different directions by the varying parenting advice out there, and when I choose to do things differently or go against the grain, I worry that I’m wrong or my kids may be hurt by my choices down the road.
Basically, parenting an adolescent child is full of opposing guidance, causing us to feel like we have no idea what we’re doing. Some examples include:
Challenge your kids with rigorous academics so they get into a “good” college, but also stay aware of their mental health
.
Encourage your teens to find their passion, but club-level sports and other activities will take up all your time and money
.
Set boundaries for your adolescents but let them be independent
.
Connect with your teens, but don’t force them to spend time with you
.
Help them to meet their potential but let them make their own decisions
.
Stay available, but don’t solve their problems for them
.
Monitor their tech but let them have their privacy
.
Let them fail. Let them fail. Let them fail. But their actions have long-term consequences
.
It all feels so confusing.
Add social media to the mix and it’s like throwing kerosene on a bonfire. It seems like every post is about a kid who scored a 1600 on their SAT, made an Olympic development program for their sport, won the lead in their school musical, and discovered the genetic marker to cure cancer. Words like “average,” “grade-level,” “recreational,” or “basic” are now negatives, and it’s tough to encourage your child to do something just for fun.
If the comparison game isn’t hard enough, you may also be dealing with an adolescent whose brain is going haywire and is making poor choices. They might be experimenting with drugs or alcohol. They might lie to you because they want to do what they want and don’t like your rules. They might be doing poorly in school, staying out late, or lashing out at you. They might spend all their time at home in their bedroom.
And when big kids make bad choices, their parents face judgment from all sides. It can make parenting during an already challenging time feel even more lonely and isolated.
When all these things are in play, it can feel like every decision we make as parents can radically change the trajectory of our kids’ lives and that they will miss out on a good life if we don’t do certain things. There are times we will try to fix their mistakes because we don’t want them to be penalized for what feels like our parenting shortcomings. We might try to solve their problems because our self-worth is tied up with their achievements and persona. We may try to engineer their life because of our anxieties.
It feels like so much and that we are never doing enough.
At the end of the day, you can feel so alone when you’re sitting in your kitchen while your teen is brooding in their bedroom. You can try to do everything right and still struggle with the relationship with your teenager. You can give your kid your best, but they still may not like you. You can be raising a great teen but still go to bed each night feeling like a failure.
I don’t think we say that enough.
So where do you go from here?
WE ARE NOT OUR PARENTING MISTAKES AND WE ARE NOT OUR KIDS’ ACHIEVEMENTS
The funny thing about parenting is that just as you find your groove, everything changes, which is to say your kid continues to grow up despite your best efforts to keep them little. This hit me hard during the onset of my children’s adolescent years.
On the outside it looked like my family had it all together. I had three beautiful, happy daughters, and I was the typical suburban mom driving her kids around in her minivan to all the things. Inside our home a different story played out. We struggled with communication and conflict resolution. We lost sight of our family values. We weren’t always kind to each other.
If I’m being honest, we still struggle at times. Relationships are hard and to manage ones that are constantly in flux can be exhausting.
And that’s really what is happening during these tween and teen years. You are trying to stay connected to someone you love who is evolving into a new person every single day. Your kids growing up is a universal truth that every parent must face and manage, and I haven’t found many who have said it was easy.
I have been raising tweens and teens for the last decade. You may have seen me share my stories on social media as Whitney Fleming Writes or on my blog Parenting Teens & Tweens. While my Internet fame or viral posts certainly don’t make me an expert, I do know this from my interactions with tens of thousands of parents over the years: we are all doing the best we can at the moment.
There is no manual for raising teens, so we can only parent the kid in front of us at any given time and grow with them. And sometimes, when we want to throw our hands up in the air and quit, the only thing we can do is look inward and work on ourselves.
I’m going to share my journey and the insights I’ve garnered as a writer who interacts with parents of teenagers every day, in the hope that if you are struggling, you can look at your relationship with your big kids differently. Each chapter focuses on a common challenge in parenting teens today and how I worked through it. The chapters are not laid out in order of importance as much as a chronological order of experiences for me. While I suggest that you read the book in the order it’s presented to get the most out of it, there certainly are chapters—such as the sections on managing tech, middle school, and high school—that can stand independently.
This book won’t give you step-by-step instructions regarding raising a teenager, but it will help you feel less alone in it. In sharing my story, I hope this book will:
Help you cut out all the noise and chaos that the world is squashing down on you and focus on what is most important: the long-term relationship with your child.
Challenge the expectations that outside sources are putting on our teens.
Help you ask questions instead of fighting behavior.
Enable you to gain control of your emotions so you can guide your teen through these challenging times.
Basically, I’m sharing my mishaps so you can avoid them—and carve out a connection with your big kids that lasts a lifetime. Perhaps you may even enjoy these teenage years a little bit more. My goal isn’t to push one parenting style but instead to challenge you to create the one you need to be successful in parenting your kid, especially during the teen years. Sometimes we simply need to hear someone else’s story to think differently about our own.
Whatever you’re going through right now, whatever drove you to pick up this book—you are not the only one.
You are not a failure because you are struggling. This is hard.
We can grow through this together.
CHAPTER ONEYOU ARE NOT A FAILURE IF YOU THINK RAISING TEENS IS HARD
Your success as a parent is not determined by whether your kids get into elite schools or prestigious professions. The real test of parenting is not what children achieve, but who they become—and how they treat others.
–Adam Grant, organizational psychologist, college professor, Wharton School of Business, and best-selling author
I used to be a good mom—and then I had teenagers.
No, seriously.
As background, you should know that I had three kids in sixteen months, something I don’t recommend. After three years of infertility, I finally gave birth to twin girls, and sixteen months later we added another daughter to our mix.
In order to survive, I was all about structure, routine, and balance. I was strict but fun (or so I thought). My kids (usually) listened, and while the day-to-day of raising three young children was exhausting, I thought we had it together.
They wore the clothes I bought, went to the activities I signed up for, and did their homework when they came home from school. They were fairly obedient, kind to others, and rarely talked back to me or their dad. In the grand scheme of things, I thought I was doing pretty well. I might have been a little smug.
And then, one day, I put three accommodating kids down to sleep in their bedrooms and woke up to tweens who had real feelings about life and how they wanted to live it.
The horror! It was bloody chaos.
That’s when the wheels started coming off the bus for our family. My oldest two, fraternal twin girls with completely opposite dispositions, were entering middle school, and my youngest daughter was in fifth grade. That’s when I started losing my way.
It happened slowly at first. Their middle school segmented students into specific groups and labeled some classes “honors” or “grade-level.” Sports and activities became more intense, with week-long tryouts and auditions that would stress everyone out. The music department often leveled out kids based on capabilities, insisted on practice commitments, and suggested private tutors.
I felt the pressure both in my small suburban town but also on social media, news outlets, and conversations with my friends scattered across the country. Overnight, it felt like everyone was doing more and moving faster. I had friends whose children were attending prestigious camps to study science, running 5ks, or fundraising for important causes. There were middle school athletes already chasing national championships, state cups, and gold medals, and kids joining youth symphonies or starring in plays. One tween I knew had 50,000 YouTube subscribers, and another started a successful online shop.
I suddenly felt hyper-sensitive and aware of what others were doing around me, something I thought I had given up when I turned 40. While I once felt confident as a parent, I started questioning our family’s choices and feeling anxious about their futures.
This icky feeling began creeping up inside of me. I thought I was doing right by my kids, but now that didn’t seem enough.
I wanted to get back to basics and focus on what I knew was important for our family, but it was like I couldn’t see how to get to the finish line from where I was standing. I didn’t even know where the finish line was.
I felt lost in every way.
Even though my daughters were barely tweens, I started thinking about their upcoming high school experience and even about what college they might attend one day. It felt incredibly important that we carefully select what courses they took next, what activities they participated in, and how they spent their free time because it would heavily impact their futures.
I did not want them to be left behind or miss out, even though I had no idea what our end goal was. I kept wondering, am I pushing them too hard, or am I not pushing them enough?
As I came in contact with parents who were in the middle of raising older teens, I became more stressed about setting my kids up for what came next. I heard grumblings about taking enough AP and dual-credit classes, hiring tutors for SATs, and finding time for volunteer hours. Every sport and activity sounded like a major time and financial investment. Even the parents who I thought had it all together appeared frazzled, drained, and unsure.
It felt like the goalposts kept moving farther back, so I wasn’t even sure what success looked like for my children anymore. Was it my kids getting into a top college? Winning a prestigious award? Earning a spot on an elite team? Or all of the above?
Where was the finish line? What does happiness even look like?
I started drinking the Kool-Aid. We heard from other parents that making a sports team at our large high school could be difficult, so when our daughters’ teams disbanded because of a nationwide age-change ruling, we changed soccer clubs so they could play more competitively and gain the skills they needed to succeed. It was a strain on our family because practices were 30 minutes away and the program was more costly, but we committed to figuring it out because it seemed like it was in the best interests of our kids.
When I mentioned to a friend that I felt like I was passing myself on the road driving to all these practices, she shared that she took an extra job to pay for her daughter’s competitive cheerleading program. I also found out that my neighbor’s dad was volunteering at a concessions stand to offset his grandson’s hockey payment. Another family I knew moved to a different district so their son could play football at a specific high school. It was way more intense and involved than the local recreational sports I played growing up, yet we felt it was something we needed to do.
In middle school, my daughter’s orchestra teacher recommended we engage a private tutor so she had a shot of earning a spot in the higher-level symphony. We found her one who suggested she look at auditioning for a local youth symphony that was a few towns away. I couldn’t imagine how to fit that in, but I was still considering it for some reason.
The icky feeling kept growing as I noticed a subtle change in how parents interacted. There was an edge to people wherever I went. It always seemed to be about what was next, how to push our kids to do more, how we were all exhausted, but no one wanted to be the one to say it out loud. The air always felt competitive even in situations that were more laid-back, such as back-to-school nights or fundraisers.
On the outside, I told my kids I only wanted them to do their best, enjoy themselves, and have fun. Still, I regularly checked their student portals, pushed them to practice, and stressed about their futures.
I was running myself ragged trying to work my job and maintain my kids’ activities schedule, but letting off the gas didn’t seem like an option. I wanted to be the parent whose kids were pursuing all the things they loved, but sometimes I wondered if they were doing these things to please me or themselves. And what were we gaining by being so busy and stressed all the time?
Meanwhile, inside the four walls of our home, things were starting to unravel. With three girls in the midst of puberty, I lovingly named our abode “The Little House of Hormones.” My typically good-natured and accommodating kids had transformed into different people overnight.
My preteens didn’t seem to appreciate all the things I did for them and resented the control I still desired over their lives. The more I tried to bond with them, the more they shrugged me off. I wanted to feel close and connected, and they wanted to spend time with their friends, on their phones, or in their rooms.
While the dynamic with my daughters was changing under my roof, what was happening outside my home was equally upsetting. As my adolescent children desired more independence, I struggled to control my anxiety about the state of the world we live in because so many things have changed since I was a teenager.
I felt overwhelmed by the proliferation of technology, social media, and recording devices everywhere. I worried about active shooter drills and gun violence, political drama and world strife, climate change and weather disruptions, mental health decline and rising suicide rates. We are still managing our health through the aftereffects of a pandemic, sifting through disinformation, and trying to understand racial and religious turmoil.
I was so tired of worrying about everyone and everything every second of every day—but I also couldn’t stop worrying.
All this worry was in addition to what adolescents and their parents typically stress about, such as academics, peer pressure, their changing bodies, drug and alcohol use, social relationships, extracurricular activities, and life challenges.
Despite my best intentions, even with my kids’ best interests at the forefront, even though I was trying my best at that moment, I could not get out of my head to see clearly.
And that pervasive ick feeling kept growing.
It felt like I was on a hamster wheel and couldn’t get off.
I know I’m not alone. I co-own and manage a blog, Parenting Teens & Tweens, and social media accounts that reach millions of people annually. Many parents and caregivers in our online communities have shared that they feel the same way. It’s hard to parent in such a complex and chaotic world. We are often so overwhelmed navigating the day-to-day issues of raising tweens and teens that we don’t even recognize that we’ve lost our way.
I know I didn’t. I knew what type of parent I wanted to be, but I felt captured in the eye of a hurricane and didn’t know which way to go.
DEALING WITH THE CRAZY
I don’t care what anyone says, adolescents and their parents have it harder today (my octogenarian mom agrees with me, by the way). There is so much to balance, and most of us are not emotionally equipped to deal with the stress and challenges we face in this modern world.
I’ve noticed that, as parents, we often respond to this chaos in a few ways:
We try to engineer our preteens’ and teens’ entire existence to set them up for their future.
We start sacrificing what was once important to us, such as family time, building life skills, connection, and self-care, in an attempt for our child to achieve some goal, like playing a sport at a high level, getting into a particular college, or winning an award. We start believing there is only one path to success, so we try to pave that path for our kids. Sometimes we’re willing to bulldoze anything in our way to ensure our child’s success.
We become terrified of making a mistake.
Instead of looking at personal stumbles—such as not making a team, getting a bad grade, or trying something new—as an opportunity to build resilience and grow as a person, we panic about how it will look or impact their future. It is why teachers get phone calls about a kid’s low test score or missing assignment, why dads are screaming at teenage referees, and why moms are overly invested in getting their teens into a prestigious college. There are times when we are willing to sacrifice what our kids can learn today in the hope that they will have a better tomorrow.
We let our personal fears and anxieties get the best of us.
Sometimes we coddle our kids because we know that the big, evil world is scary, and that danger lurks behind every corner. We can’t control the world around us, so we try to manage what is in front of us. I also believe that because the world feels harder than when we were kids, we indulge our children more. It’s tough to be hard on your kid when we know that the rest of the world is pushing them down at every juncture.
We let our own trauma and personal disappointments cloud our judgment and impact our behavior.
Many of us walk around with emotional baggage we have never dealt with, and it often rears its head while parenting. It could be self-esteem issues, such as feeling we never met our potential or weren’t able to because of reasons beyond our control. Or it might be because we were parented in a certain way that causes us to be ill-equipped to manage certain situations.
Some of us (cough, cough—me) are all of the above.
As someone who is a tightly wound, highly empathetic ball of anxiety who finds comfort in control, I struggle with separating my identity and emotions from my kids. I didn’t want to parent out of fear, whether it was battling my own or instilling it in my kids. I didn’t want to constantly battle my adolescents for control. I didn’t want to sacrifice what they could achieve tomorrow because I feared failing today.
I wanted a different kind of relationship with my big kids, but why did it seem so scary to do things differently?
WHEN THE TIDES TURNED
There wasn’t one specific moment that changed my parenting philosophy. When I started writing and sharing about it more on my social media pages, I found thousands of parents who could relate and wanted to change. When I started talking more with my husband about my struggles, he agreed we needed to shift our thinking. When I started questioning certain paths for academics or sports for my kids out loud with other parents, I found many nodding their heads.
We all felt that ick feeling but didn’t know how to shake it. There had to be a better way.
What follows on these pages isn’t clinical advice or research-backed tools. Instead, it’s some lessons I’ve learned along the way from my first-hand experience and from talking to thousands of parents over the years.
Sometimes I look back at the beginning of my kids’ adolescence, and I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed that I became so preoccupied with the wrong things and lost my way. I’m sad that I sometimes missed the problems that were right in front of me. I’m disappointed that I got sucked into keeping up instead of leaning in. I’m heartbroken that I didn’t recognize earlier how I needed to work on myself to give my kids what they needed.
But there’s no place for these feelings in parenting. Our job is always to show our kids that we can course-correct at any given time, that we can have healthy conflicts, and that we can love unconditionally no matter what.
We can’t solve all of our teens’ and tweens’ problems, but we can carve out relationships that allow us to walk together through them and grow up alongside them in the process.
It starts with understanding that what worked before in parenting may not work now. You may need to challenge your thinking, your beliefs, and maybe even your own upbringing. You must be courageous and willing to go against the grain of a society that is constantly telling us to push when what we may need to do is pull back. You need to have an unconditional belief that working on your relationship with your child will be what helps them succeed in this world, and not any accomplishment.
And you must never give up.
There is no one path to launch your teen successfully into this world, but if you can take a step back, dig deep into working on yourself, and open your heart to a new way of thinking, you can forge a new bond that will take you into their next stage of life.
I’m not saying it’s easy. But I am saying that building a strong connection and relationship with your kids for the long game is worth it.
It starts with one brave parent.
MOVING FORWARD
Assess your current situation.
Are you happy or satisfied with the current state of the relationship with your teen? What brings you closer and what may be a distraction?
Analyze your decision criteria.
Often, we make decisions for our kids (and ourselves) out of fear that they’ll miss out or get left behind. What ends up happening is we strain the relationship with our kids today for fear of what they may miss out on in the future. (I discuss this more in the next chapter.)
Establish your family values.
We get so caught up in the rat race of modern parenting that we lose touch with what we value as a family. It’s good to agree upon—or even put down in writing—family priorities so everyone is on the same page.
Self-reflection.
Understanding what makes us tick as parents, what motivates us, and what we may struggle with is a constant theme throughout this book. It may make you feel uneasy to dig into your past or analyze your behavior. I encourage you to lean into those uncomfortable feelings because that’s when the change will happen, and you may start to think about things differently.
CHAPTER TWOUNPACKING THE BOXES WE CARRY WITH US
Everything that is past is either a learning experience to grow on, a beautiful memory to reflect on, or a motivating factor to act upon.
–Denis Waitley, best-selling author of The Psychology of Winning series
