And Suddenly a Door Opens E-Book

Ingrid Holler

• Herausgeber: Junfermann Verlag
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 396

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2014

Beschreibung

How do people come into contact with Nonviolent Communication? What are the effects NVC has had on their lives? What kind of NVC-experiences have been most touched and affected by? These are the questions that Ingrid Holler, an NVC-trainer herself, asked some of her colleagues from home and abroad. This is a collection of their replies - stories of personal developments, resolved conflicts in the workplace, and changes in society. Stories that will touch readers, and maybe even be able to motivate them to get involved with NVC themselves. At the same time, this book is the authors´ Thank You! to Marshall B. Rosenberg, the founder of the Nonviolent Communication. It is published on the occasion of his 80th birthday on October 6th, 2014.

Leseprobe

Ingrid Holler (Ed.)And Suddenly a Door Opens

About this book

How do people come into contact with Nonviolent Communication? What are the effects NVC has had on their lives? What kinds of NVC-experiences have they been most touched and affected by?

These are the questions that Ingrid Holler, an NVC-trainer herself, asked some of her colleagues from home and abroad. This book is a collection of their replies – stories of personal development, resolved conflicts in the workplace, and changes in society. Stories that will touch readers, and maybe even motivate them to get involved with NVC themselves.

At the same time, this book is the authors’ Thank You! to Marshall B. Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication. It is published on the occasion of his 80th birthday on October 6th, 2014.

Ingrid Holler is a book author and trainer, as well as a coach and mediator. She lives and works in Munich, happy about many joyous and trustful facets that NVC has brought into her life. http://www.akademie-blickwinkel.de

Copyright: © Junfermann Verlag, Paderborn 2014

Coverphoto: © kohy – Fotolia.com

Layout: Christian Tschepp

Typesetting: JUNFERMANN Druck & Service, Paderborn

Translation from the German language: Christine M. Grimm

All rights reserved.

This eBook published in: 2014

ISBN der Printausgabe: 978-3-95571-055-2 

ISBN dieses eBooks: 978-3-95571-211-2 (EPUB), 978-3-95571-213-6 (PDF), 978-3-95571-212-9 (MOBI)

Preface

I love books and everything related to them – reading them, coming up with ideas for new books, writing them (with others), and even accompanying a book’s entire creation process: from the first ideas to working on the text to the moment that I hold the finished book in my hands. So the idea for a new book that I had already envisioned for some time grew within me: Since the “spirit” of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has now been spreading in Germany for the past 20 years[1], from time to time I had thought about compiling the concrete reports on experiences with Nonviolent Communication into a book. This delicate little plant had a decisive burst of growth in the summer of 2013: Dr. Stephan Dietrich of the Junfermann Verlag publishing company suggested to me that I edit a book with stories documenting the effectiveness of NVC in various areas of life for the 80th birthday of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC. He offered me the opportunity to realize this idea under my own direction. Wow! I had to first stop and consider what this would mean. It would involve creating a catalog of topics, working with various authors, editing the texts, and accompanying the entire process of creation. In addition to the work on this book, I also saw the possibility of living what I personally feel is especially important in NVC: creating connection and allowing it to become something new. All of this sounded very exciting. Yes, this is what I wanted to do! I accepted the offer and got started on it.

I am very delighted that this book is done and would like to warmly thank everyone who participated in its creation – especially my NVC colleagues who contributed their stories with blood, sweat, and tears to this book. I truly enjoyed communicating with the authors in the process of editing these stories. I would like to thank Stephan Dietrich for the book idea and its supportive and energetic implementation. And I am obviously very grateful to Marshall Rosenberg as the man who developed NVC, planted countless seeds of it throughout the world, and raised these little plants. This book tells of the roots, the fruits, and the flowers that have grown as a result.

In its reports on experiences, the book shows two different things: On the one hand, NVC actually works in all areas in which people are active, encounter each other, and (must) get along with each other – whether in the family or at the job, in everyday life, or even on the international level in very different cultures. And on the other hand, NVC works especially well when it is at home in our inner attitude and personal way of thinking.

The stories make it clear how important it is to be in touch with yourself – and not just in a case of conflict. To be clear about: How do I actually feel? What is important to me? What do I want? What is the destination (in my life)? Answers to these questions are often buried on the path to becoming a well-functioning member of society. We encounter countless norms and conventions on this path: You should do this and not that; you must be strong; it’s better not to show your feelings; you should have everything under control, always be ready, and not want too much for yourself – except if you can afford it and then you should really help yourself! To do everything right and certainly nothing wrong. All of these expectations and demands sometimes even become “second nature” to us: We now impose them on ourselves – and our fellow human beings. Unfortunately, they tend not to be what we really need, what is good for us, and what helps us in getting along with each other. This is why they can make our lives very difficult.

I recently had a touching encounter at the Munich Airport in this sense. When I go through the security checkpoint, I see my belongings disappear into the distance on the conveyor belt between the other passengers. This causes a certain anxiety to rise inside of me. My view is blocked by the various apparatuses, and I also have to take my shoes off and put them back on at that moment. But this time I see some employees standing at a bit of a distance behind the conveyor belts. Ah, I think happily, they are looking after our things so I can relax. Since I have made a habit of focusing my attention on accomplishments and expressing appreciation a number of times every day as part of NVC, I walk over to the man standing behind “my” conveyor belt a moment later and speak to him: “I see that you’re looking out for our luggage, which makes me very happy because that serves my security. Thank you very much.” I stand still, full of expectation. He reacts like this: First he flinches, raises his eyebrows, opens his eyes very wide, and leans back a bit; then he leans forward again, the eyebrows go back down, and he exhales with the words: “Ah, and I was already thinking that someone wanted to complain again because something is going wrong. And you think that it’s good, yes uh … yes, that’s nice,” he laughs in relief. “We’re not here to take care of the luggage. We’re looking for terrorists, but it’s still good to hear that from you. Thank you!” We talk briefly, and then I walk away with a spring in my step.

I am touched by the fright of his apparently spontaneous thought – oh dear! – that he may have done something wrong. Then it becomes a connecting and joyful conversation (even if his task did not entirely correspond with my wishes). We encountered each other in the “land beyond right and wrong”[2].

In this land, NVC shows us concrete and practical ways in which “we can once again experience what we feel and what we need, and how our fellow human beings are doing and what they need – in order to ultimately improve the situation for everyone who is involved.”[3] We experience how we can live according to our values – which we share with all human beings – on these paths. For example, how we can experience appreciation that has no price and give support voluntarily and without any inner pressure; how we can be true to ourselves without hiding ourselves and taking the interests of others into consideration on an equal footing. “If we cultivate a mentality that does not cling to right and wrong, we experience a fresh, new way of being.”[4]

This is the way that we allow our hearts to have a voice in our thinking. When this happens, doors suddenly open. The stories in this book talk about this experience.

Dear readers, I hope that you will discover something in this book that appeals to you and perhaps even some stories that give you food for thought, touch you, or put a smile on your face.

Ingrid Holler

Munich, Summer of 2014

EVERYDAY LIFE AND ENCOUNTERS

Aniruddha Gandakush

How NVC Saved and Transformed My Life

I just can’t forget that chilling cold scary night in Wembley, UK, which transformed my whole life …

I was in England taking my first baby giraffe steps, learning NVC with Bridget, Gina and few trainings with Dr. Marshall Rosenberg as well. I was a baby giraffe and was just learning to walk. I wasn’t fluent in NVC and there were times I had doubts about this technique … does this really work? On one occasion I had expressed this honestly to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.

It was April 7th, 2004, when I received a phone call from my friend Sanju from India. She was visiting England and wanted to meet me and have dinner together with her family. She was staying at the Wembley Plaza Hotel in Wembley. I was really excited and was looking forward to meeting my friend and her family.

I took the underground train from Bethnal Green to Wembley. It was around eight o’clock in the evening when I reached Wembley. It was raining, it was windy and dark. I was wearing three layers and a jacket to protect myself from the chilling cold which I was not used to. From the train station I walked to the Wembley Plaza Hotel. I enquired at the hotel reception about my friend. I was told I could call her room from the reception phone. I called her but there was no response. After 5–10 minutes I called her and again there was no response. From 8pm to 11pm I was trying to call her but there was no response. At 11pm the receptionist told me that my friend is a tourist and maybe she is out somewhere on Thames River having good time. In the end I gave up and kept the flowers, chocolate and card I had brought for her family and told the receptionist when my friend returned to please tell her that Aniruddha was here.

I started walking back to Wembley train station. There was no one in the street and it was dark and cold. I was walking on the footpath, the steel railings to my left and buildings to my right. I was very close to the train station, only a two or three minutes walk away. Before I knew what was happening, from that dark lane suddenly a six feet tall strong guy came out from nowhere, wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood rolled over his head. He grabbed me by my collar, pushed me against the wall and in a very scary voice said, “Give me all your money”. I was scared to death …

When I was in India I had done three years of martial arts training – let me tell you it doesn’t work when you need it. I was so scared I was unable to stand, my feet were jelly like, my throat was dry and even in the chilly night air I was sweating. The only reason I was able to stand was that he was holding me and had pushed me against the wall. In a flash I could see my family back home in India. I had 53,000 Rupees cash and a digital camera on me. I told myself, ‘Aniruddha, it’s all over now’.

Again I heard the same scary voice, “Give me all your money”.

I had no idea what to do, then somewhere from deep within a very meek voice of a baby giraffe responded, “Are you feeling desperate”?

He said: “Don’t you talk to me, give me all your money, aren’t you feeling scared?”

Me: “I am really scared, I am unable to stand and my throat is dry …”

Him: “Just give me the money, I am hungry and want to eat some chicken …”

Hearing this I was so deeply moved and touched to see that he was not a ‘mugger’ but a hungry man and this was the only strategy he knew to meet his need. I had about 15 £ of spare change in my jeans pocket, so I took them out and said: “I feel sad to hear that you are hungry, (I gave him the money) I hope this meets your need to eat some chicken.”

As I was giving him the money I had a chance to look into his eyes under his hood. I could see the transformation happening in front of my eyes, behind that mugger I saw a beautiful human being. I could see a childlike innocence in his eyes.

He looked into my eyes and said: “You are such a kind person and I don’t need your money,” and he gave me all my money back. As I was holding those coins in my palm I said, “I really want to contribute to your life, please take it.”

Him: “What I need is 2 £.”

Me: “Take it.”

Him: “No, you give it to me.”

I picked up 2£ coin and gave it to him. He said, “Man, you are such a kind person … God bless you,” and then he was gone.

I couldn’t believe what I had just witnessed. On that day I saw miracle and transformation happening right in front of me … life taught me a big lesson. Don’t judge people by what they are doing, we need to go deeper and touch their heart, only then can we see a beautiful human being emerging. Many a times our own fear and judgements stop us from connecting compassionately to other human beings. The beauty is in letting go of those judgements and being 100% present in that moment.

I am grateful to that baby giraffe within me that saved my life and gave me a different perspective to look at life. I am grateful to Marshall for such a beautiful gift which transformed my life.

Since then it became my mission to share NVC so as to bring peace to this planet earth. Most of the trainings I offer are for free and offered to socially and economically deprived people.

Andi Schmidbauer

“That Cannot Be!”

Are you familiar with this? You have a problem and contact the responsible telephone hotline. After spending some time on hold and pressing various buttons to get connected with the “right” place, you finally describe your problem to the person on the other end of the line. And then you hear: “That cannot be!”

In earlier times, situations like this immediately drove me crazy. I got mad without being aware of why I actually had such vehement emotional reactions. This has noticeably changed with NVC and I would like to tell you about it.

When Ingrid Holler asked if I would like to write a contribution to this book, I spontaneously accepted the offer because I experience NVC as a major enrichment in my life and am very thankful to Marshall Rosenberg for bringing it into the world.

But which of the many situations that allowed me to celebrate success should I choose? One of the big “breakthroughs” in which the knowledge about myself virtually made me euphoric? One of the moving moments in the contact with others in which I was able to helpfully assist people with NVC?

After thinking about this for a while, the choice was no longer difficult for me: As important as the “major” events may be for me personally, I value the so-called “little things” – the daily life situations that I encounter every day – just as much in NVC. They could even be described as “little miracles”…

This also happened just recently one morning when neither the telephone nor the Internet worked. A glance at our router didn’t bode well: A true firework of lights, which looked like each one of them was flashing at me in agitation. So I used my cell phone to call the responsible hotline of our telephone company.

I had understood the following from Marshall: 80% of NVC is self-empathy. I already had the chance to apply this while on hold: “Why is this taking so long?” a voice in my head wanted to know.

Due to the complaining tone, I noticed the little wolf creeping up. So I first took a deep breath – and began talking to myself: “So, you seem to be impatient?” “Absolutely!” was the prompt answer that came from inside. “This router is apparently broken – even though it isn’t even six months old – and now I have to waste my time because I’ve been placed on this stupid hold …”

Another deep breath. “Hmmm, then two things are active within you right now: On the one hand, you would like to have reliability when you think of a router; on the other hand, you want good service when you have an emergency that wasn’t your fault?”

“Yes, of course!” was the immediate inner answer, “that is certainly the minimum when the thing doesn’t work …”

Another breath. “And how are you feeling now?” “Better already, thank you …”

At that moment, “Ms. Schuster” from the telephone company answered the line. I described my “lighting console” on the router to her and also the importance of the telephone and Internet for our business.

“Hrmpf,” I heard on the other end, “please stay on the line” – and she was gone. Instead, I was allowed to enjoy the music on hold for another minute.

There she was again: “Hello? Thank you for waiting. So, I spoke with my colleague and it cannot be that the router isn’t functioning.”

There they were again – these words that I so love. “That cannot be.”

These words still exert a strong pull on me to “jump on the sled” that was waiting for me at the brink to the abyss. “My experience has simply been negated and my reality denied,” my inner voice announced.

First take another deep breath – emergency empathy. I said to myself: “You would like to experience credibility, that your reality is shared …”

“Yessssssss …”

This encouraged me to open up to the other side. I asked the lady on the telephone: “Ms. Schuster, is it possible that you’re irritated because you haven’t heard of something like this with such a new piece of equipment up to now?”

Short pause on the other end. And then: “Yes, I’ve never had this situation. After all, those things last for an eternity!”

I began to relax because this information confirmed my assumption – contact was created within me.

“And you would like to understand what’s going on?”

“Yes.”

Now it was right for me to talk about myself again: “Then I would like to tell you what’s happening here with me at the moment. Does that work for you?”

Another mini-pause and then somewhat hesitantly: “Yes.”

“Thanks! So, Ms. Schuster, I see the little lights flashing here; neither the telephone nor the Internet work, and the entire situation is very difficult for our business because we can’t be reached. When I think that we could lose customers as a result, I worry because I also have to pay for my meals. Would you please tell me what you have heard – what this is about for me?”

Another brief pause. And then: “Well, you’re afraid that you could lose money as a result of this.”

It felt good to me to hear this again – to have “arrived” with my message. Then I also wanted to communicate this: “It feels good to me that you just repeated what I said, Ms. Schuster, because it gives me the impression that I have arrived. Thank you! I also like to have support in a situation that’s difficult for me. And I therefore now want to discuss with you how we can mutually resolve this problem – ok?”

“Ok. You say that all of the lights on the device are flashing?”

“Yes.”

“And you have already pulled the plug and turned the device off and on once?”

“Yes.”

“Then there really seems to be a defect. I will have the device exchanged right now on-site …”

A little miracle? Maybe …

Since I – more or less coincidentally – became familiar with NVC in 2002, I consciously experience this and similar situations in a different way. If they were previously unwelcome occasions for me to lose myself in annoyance, anger, resignation, or helplessness, I can now often quickly recognize these feelings for what they really are: inner alarm signals from my needs, which have gotten into an imbalanced state. This allows me to avoid a fruitless clash and an understanding gradually arises in the conversation. These are usually just brief moments in which things become possible that seemed completely out of reach before. Among other things, I am very thankful to Marshall because of this.

I followed my wish to deepen my own NVC competences. In the process, a perception slowly grew within me that this deepening and “newly discovering myself time and again” will probably not stop in this lifetime. This has been confirmed in many seminars with national and international trainers – all of whom have also been “infected” by Marshall and carry their enthusiasm and understanding of NVC into the world.

At my first training with Marshall in Switzerland in 2002, I became acquainted with Ingrid Holler. Sitting in on her introductory seminar resulted in a fertile contact, which continued our verbal exchange through activities such as my collaboration on her team. We now jointly head the Akademie Blickwinkel (Perspective Academy). With our offer, we make our contribution to spreading NVC in seminars, trainings, mediations, individual coaching, publications, and many personal conversations.

Eva Rambala

Step by Step. NVC in My Life

About Me

Once I visited a friend in hospital who was struggling with depression, and as I passed the main gate, it occurred to me that without learning and practicing NVC, I might be a patient and not a guest here. Practicing this process means so much to me and it is so hard to express it fully, but perhaps this previous sentence can give a glimpse into its significance in my life.

I grew up in a small village in Hungary and since age 18, I have lived in Budapest – “the most wonderful city in the entire Universe”, in my opinion! I have often asked myself why this place is so important to me, when it can also be experienced as a noisy, dirty, crowded, polluted, impersonal place filled with two million people. The answer is that this is the place where I first experienced the openness to practice my own freedom, which is extremely important to me.

Encountering Marshall Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communication in 1996 contributed a lot to my having this experience. At age 18 I decided to study business, thinking that it would be the only way for me to earn enough money to live a decent life. I was also considering the idea of teaching. So I got a degree in business plus I could teach in a business high school. At that time this was really my choice.

When I was pursuing my business career, life was more of a struggle. On the surface everything was OK, the “only” thing that was missing was real joy in life. Although I was not able to identify it so clearly at the time, I knew something was missing and had no idea where to look for it. I knew I could be more successful in my work if I were more motivated. But I had no clue as to how to increase my motivation.

When I went to my first workshop with Marshall, one sentence struck me: “if something happens and you don’t like, it speak up”. This was a great revelation to me, after having heard so many times to “be kind!” or “be polite!”, or “you are older, make an effort and be understanding!!” This sentence in the workshop was like someone giving me not only permission to be honest, but encouragement to do so as well.

Later on, I heard the second part of the sentence: “if something happens that you don’t like, speak up without being critical.” This addition caused a lot of complications. Because although speaking up was rather easy, cleaning up the mess afterwards was less so. Speaking up without being critical was and sometimes still is rather difficult. Additionally in those days, I didn’t want to contribute to world peace but rather just cared about my own survival. And maybe about having some joy in my life.

I was so proud when I finished high school and my friends told me that I was the only girl they had never seen cry once during those four years. I saw myself as a strong woman. Today I can see that it was because I was so disconnected from my own feelings – from pain, but from joy as well.

The big shift came when one day, at an NVC training, I shared a story that was incredibly painful to me, and for the first time in my life I cried in front of other people. When I stopped crying, I looked around. My first thought was “what if the ceiling falls on me?” The second thought was “but this is a six-storey building, all of us in the room are going to die”. But the ceiling was still there.

At the beginning, when I started to practice NVC, I just couldn’t do it. Later on I realized that it was because I was trying to be empathic with others without having first been empathic with myself.

When I started to offer trainings, one of the most painful feedbacks I received was: “I like what you say, but the sharpness of your tone of voice is not in harmony with the content.” Ouch! What could I do? If I consciously modify my tone of voice, I lose a lot of my authenticity.

Only years later I realized that softening my tone of voice was the “side effect” of self-empathy practice. The more I understand myself without criticising, the more I can accept and love myself. And as a result of this, I have been experiencing more peace, can practice more understanding toward others and my voice is now much gentler. But there is still room for improvement.

Learning from Marshall

One example for this was when we started to have “no-talent shows” on one of the last evenings of the IIT-s (9-day International Intensive Training). The first few times, I really enjoyed organising it. But somehow, I lost this joy. When I expressed my concern that no one wanted to organise these shows and that we “should” do it, Marshall asked one question:

“If you don’t enjoy doing it, why do you do it then?”

“Because if I don’t do it, no one is going to do it. And people enjoy it so much, but they’re just not aware of how great it can be.“

“So what,” he said, “they won’t have it then.”

That was one of my life’s greatest learning experiences. I was so convinced that I had to make sacrifices for the common good. And then a miracle happened: the no-talent show was organised even without my grumpy attitude. Realizing that things move on without me was a big surprise and a great relief as well. From time to time I still get trapped in similar situations, but it happens less and less.

Self-empathy

Facts: at the beginning of November, I promised Ingrid Holler I would write something, and exactly two months later I started doing it.

This is the dialogue I have with myself:

“I’ve been lazy again.

I consider it a form of violence when I promise something and don’t do it, and when it is foreseeable that as a result, people are likely to experience frustration, disappointment and maybe even pain.

I will never change. I am hopeless. How can I dare to preach about non-violence and empathy when I do such things.

With these thoughts in my mind I feel sadness and pain, because I really would like to be caring toward everyone with whom I have a connection, and especially with someone who has shown me respect by asking for my experience in order to put it in a book.

But if this is so strong in me, why didn’t I do it earlier?

Because I took on more than I could handle, and postponed those tasks that had some discomfort connected with them and did the ones which were the easiest. I can care for others if I care for myself.

Getting back to the writing, I am now peacefully excited in relation to the challenge of whether I can manage to express myself clearly in writing or not. Imagining a collection of NVC successes is another source of excitement. I fully trust that it will be heart-touching for Marshall and hopefully meaningful for many other people.

And at the same time I want to be understanding toward myself. Writing is a great challenge to me, and I want to do it not just because I feel I have to, but when I have the time and space and the good feelings that support the process.

Think about the idea of ‘going with the flow’, and taking on as much as I can handle with ease, my heart aches. The only way I can think of to improve my effectiveness is to take on less. And I know less can be much more if it comes from a space of peace and love rather than from hurry and frustration.

After writing these lines, I feel more at ease and have come up with the idea of prioritizing, checking my inner commitment more carefully when I promise things, and being more generous when I plan how much time a certain activity is going to take.

Now I have more inner peace related to what happens, but what about Ingrid and her team? I trust that even though I write my contribution much later than I had hoped, things will still work out fine. And based on the content of the e-mails I have received, that seems realistic.”

Towe and Darold

Another life-changing sentence came to me from Towe Widstrand, an NVC trainer in Sweden. By the time I finished university, I had failed with three languages, and had been trying to learn English for over 10 years without much success. I had a conversation with Towe, who asked me whether I offered trainings in English as well. As an immutable fact, I replied that my English was not good enough. To which she added the magic word: YET. This one word really opened up a new universe for me. Things can change.

Darold, a trainer colleague in the US, was another person who influenced me more than once. He struck me as someone who was available most of the time and I felt that I could fully rely on his honesty. So once I asked him whether he would be willing to watch a videotape of one of my sessions in order to give me feedback. I was a beginner trainer then, while he had so much experience. Also, he was retired and seemed to have lots of time.

His answer to my request came right away: “This wouldn’t be fun for me. I care for you and I want to help you, please find a different way that is fun for both of us”. I still remember that I was speechless with surprise. Hearing his “no” was a great surprise, but the shocking part was that I didn’t feel any pain. The only explanation I can find is that he said it in such a natural way that I could not sense any hesitation or doubt.

My Great Success

The first moment when I consciously practiced NVC by myself happened on a train. The wife of my brother called me and said, “your mother is in hospital, but your brother doesn’t want to let you know”. I called my mom and spoke with her. When I listened to her voice I was really concerned about her well-being.

Then I pulled myself and all my skills together, took a deep breath, and called my brother. I was convinced that this moment was a potential tragedy in our connection because I was so incredibly upset with him. The nicest word I had in my mind was that he was the most selfish, narrow-minded … I could still feel the anger I experienced within me after speaking with my sister-in-law.

But with my NVC training, I managed not to be too judgmental and said to him: “I just spoke with our mother and I am very concerned and disappointed, as I would have liked to receive this information from you. I am very curious about your reason”.

I was happy to be sitting down, because I was shocked by his answer. It was something like this: “I know you are leaving for South Korea tomorrow and that you cannot do anything to help. I didn’t want you to worry, just to enjoy your trip. Who knows, this is probably your only chance to go there”. So is my brother caring or just selfish? Maybe this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but in my heart it was like going from world war to world peace within an hour. It seemed to be a big step forward in our relationship.

The other big success was between my mother and myself. Somehow, the biggest ongoing conflict between us was about clothing. When I was fourteen, I left the village where I grew up and our agreement was that I can wear whatever I want, but at home I have to dress “decently” – according to my mom’s standard.

When the son of my brother finished high school and we went to his graduation, I thought I was ready to try my best to solve this in a different manner. Instead of saying “it’s none of your business”, as I did at age 16, I tried to connect on the need level. So when I arrived home, I immediately put my dress in an easy-to-see place.

Mom: “If you wear this, I am not going.”

Then the magic sentence came – from myself: “It seems to me that now that I am over forty and more or less responsible, I would like each of us to decide freely what we are going to wear.”

Mom: “Hmm”. No further response. But later at dinner she announced: “Tomorrow, everyone is going to wear what they want”.

Did she steal my idea? I don’t think so. But I trust that she integrated it, maybe because she likes to decide freely as much as I do. It may seem that there is not much of a difference between “it’s none of your business!” and “I would like each of us to decide freely what we are going to wear.” However, it took me about 20 years to figure out that the difference between those two sentences is the difference between war and peace. This situation encouraged me to step out of habitual conflict situations and choose a different road, a road that leads to more connection with one another.

Recently I heard the following question: “how many of the NVC certified trainers are divorced?” My favourite response was: “Although our marriage status may not be in harmony with mainstream expectations, I am definitely one of those who has been able to manage to have stronger inner peace and acceptance and increasingly honest and loving relationships over the last 20 years”.

I hope I will continue to proceed in this direction and that there will be a growing number of people with whom we go together.

Will you join us?

Elisabeth Schieffer

“Who Would Have Thought That?”

I have worked in various areas of the Catholic Church for at least thirty years: in (hospital) pastoral care and in the congregation, in the direction of training for pastoral staff, and ultimately in student pastoral care. In recent years, I have worked in city pastoral care. Communication defines my profession as a lay pastor, and accompanying people as they deal with conflicts is one of my responsibilities. Even the church structures are sometimes a challenge when it comes to taking a position, speaking about what is unclear, and structuring communication on the various levels.

For a long time, conflicts cost me much energy and made me fearful; it was not unusual for me to simply respond by retreating. Or I “snapped” in the conflict and suddenly defended positions that were otherwise not all that important to me. Then I ultimately found myself in a dead-end street again: How did I actual wind up there? As a Christian, I increasingly asked myself about how I wanted to deal with the high standards of the Gospel regarding peace and reconciliation.

A woman friend spoke to me about a seminar with Marshall Rosenberg in Frankfurt: “This could also interest you.” It was just one weekend, after which I would know more about what this “Nonviolent Communication” was all about.

The first impression was actually strong, even though I couldn’t imagine at the time how I should learn this new way of speaking. But I took at least one step with me: paying attention to my judgments and differentiating them as much as possible from perception. This became my first task and the one that I have practiced the longest – to this day.

In the following years, I repeatedly lost sight of NVC but still got involved with it again: Basic training, the training to become a mediator on the basis of NVC, and IITs with Marshall Rosenberg and other trainers – especially the diversity with which each of these events opened access to it anew has helped me – and so NVC became increasingly “implanted” in my speaking and thinking and the way in which I deal with myself and others. The trust that diversity doesn’t lead to one-sided restrictions but can achieve a good equilibrium and that conflicts do not destroy relationships but can make them even deeper through more understanding for each other has given my life more serenity, calmness, and ease. What I didn’t even see at the beginning has now increasingly become the main content of my work: introducing other people to NVC and accompanying them on their further path – especially in the horizon of the Christian faith as one form of communication that opens up the paths for forgiveness and peace despite all of the differences.

But NVC has become important to me not only in view of these “noble” goals. I also experience it as a relief in everyday life, as shown by the following “success story”:

I live in a townhouse, which is quite precisely in the middle of a row of six houses. Every house has a main house in which the respective owners live. The attic of each house has a 1.5-room studio apartment, which is generally rented out.

Some years ago, a new owner pointed out that a cable television provider offers a collective contract for house rows with a joint basement that would result in a much cheaper annual rate for every house than an individual contract. Everyone was happy to accept this offer. They cancelled their individual contracts and have enjoyed the much lower rate per house since then.

With absolute reliability, the neighbor (Mr. C.) who made this suggestion passes around the invoice for the collective contract to all of the houses once every year, lists two connections (main house and studio apartment) for each house, and calculates the amount for all of the participants. Then every owner pays a portion of this amount for his / her house into a joint bank account.

So the neighbor also stood at the door this year. He handed me the copy of the contract and the list for the individual houses, then added: “It will be a bit more expensive for everyone this year because Mr. A.’s renter isn’t participating. He doesn’t want cable. I hope that other people won’t also drop out because it will be more expensive for all of us.”

I thanked him for the list; I didn’t understand the comment at that moment since I was just leaving the house. So I let the matter rest.

I had a long day away from home. In the evening, the neighbor from the right side (Mr. D.) rang the doorbell. He was visibly indignant as he said to me: “We are writing a letter to Mr. A. to tell him that this won’t work. Ms. B. has already agreed, and you will certainly also sign it.”

In response to my astonished question, it became clear that each of the owners would have to pay about 10 € more if just one connection per house was included in the collective contract. Up to now, each of the owners had taken responsibility for both amounts; how they paid them – whether the renter additionally paid the amount or whether it was calculated in the rent – was up to each owner. Some time ago, Mr. A. had just made a brief comment on the street to the effect that his new renter wasn’t participating. The neighbor who was in charge of the bill had divided the missing amount among the collective, which had become clear for everyone involved during the course of the day.

Some of the neighbors didn’t want to get involved; they didn’t want to provoke trouble due to such a small amount; others had become very indignant in the meantime. Above all, my neighbor to the right – who lived directly next to Mr. A. – associated this experience with previous ones in which he had experienced the other man as ruthless: “Things are always like that with him …” – and he told me a long story about his own suffering.

In the meantime, I had understood the issues and suggested that we speak with Mr. A. to be certain that he was aware of the consequences for everyone involved and expressly desired them.

The suggestion met with a decisive objection: That wouldn’t help at all; attempts at talking to each other had always failed up to now; Mr. and Ms. A. did whatever they wanted and were not considerate at all of other people.

I knew – and had also directly experienced some situations – that this assessment was also based on concrete experiences, but still felt my alarm at this fundamental condemnation.

I offered to speak with Mr. A. Should the conversation not lead to a solution that is acceptable for everyone, I would participate in a letter.

My neighbor gave me a look that was almost fearful: “Do you really want to do that? Do you want to do that to yourself?”

Two days later, as I rang the doorbell at Mr. A.’s house in the late morning, I had the feeling of walking into the lion’s cave. He was at home and responded to my question as to whether he had a few minutes with friendly astonishment.

I had already thought about how to describe the situation: “Mr. C. brought me the cable bill the day before yesterday. I see that one amount was included for your house and not two as before. This increases the amount for all of us. I hear that there is indignation about this in the neighborhood and would like to ask what has caused you to come up with this arrangement.”

His response was that he had heard nothing about the indignation up to now; he was surprised about it. In the further conversation, it became clear that Mr. A. was not (or no longer) aware of the arrangement that every owner is responsible for the two amounts and how he or she collects them. “But I can’t force my renter to pay if he doesn’t even want the connection. After all, that would be very inconsiderate.” He was also happy to now have a renter who wanted to live there for the long term; so he didn’t want to annoy him. And he ultimately calculated that each homeowner still saved a lot of money, even if this would now cost each of them an extra 10 € annually.

I thanked Mr. A. for making his reasons clear, but didn’t comment on them from my perspective. I talked about the indignation of the neighbors who didn’t think that it is justifiable for the new payment arrangement in his house to be shared by all of the neighbors.

After we had gone through this “conversation loop” a number of times – recognition of his argumentation, description of the other side’s feelings and thoughts – Mr. A. became more open for the annoyance that I was trying to communicate to him.

Yes, he also didn’t want any trouble; he emphasized once again how little he had reckoned with indignation in this issue, and I had the opportunity to ensure him that I had not assumed that it was his intention to take care of his problem at the expense of the others. He heard the positive statement in my words, and I perceived a little hint of gratitude in his words as he ensured me at the conclusion that he will discuss the entire matter once again with his wife.

I wasn’t at home for the rest of the day. When I returned in the evening, I found a new list for the cost of the cable connection in my mailbox: Each house pays for two connections, and the old amount is valid again.

Two days later, on a Saturday, I cleaned my little front yard. The neighbor to my right came over: “How did you do that!” he said with admiration in his voice and an expression of boundless astonishment.

I described the main features of the conversation without the details and put the accent on Mr. A. forgetting the agreement about each homeowner paying the two amounts for his or her house and that he hadn’t calculated with the neighbor’s indignation because the collective contract based on this division was still much cheaper for each of them in the economic sense than with individual contracts.

The neighbor was still astonished that the conversation with Mr. A. had led to him relenting; he told me that the latter had already gone to Mr. C. that same day and asked him to redo the list using the previous method.

In the meantime, Mr. A. had spoken with his renter and they had found an arrangement to pay for the outstanding amount.

A short time later, Mr. C. stopped by my house: “Who would have thought that this would be so simple!” He looked at me in an astonished and thankful way. He was happy that the letter had not been written and further tensions had been avoided – and Mr. A. ultimately came by in the evening of the same day with five bottles of beer because of the additional work that had been caused. They drank a toast and started calling each other by their first names.