Golf With The Devil E-Book

Rolf Zeiler

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 234

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2017

Beschreibung

Rolf Zeiler, a German born writer has dedicated this book to all golfers because golf is a tough devilish game. To survive it, he felt that all of us need some big laughs to ease the painful moments that this game definitely gives us. Golf with the Devil is a book for the 60 million golf enthusiasts worldwide trying to master the game. It is a suitable gift purchase for all people wanting to buy a golf humor book for their golf-addicted friends. The book is a compilation of ten short stories evolving round a golfing mad Devil. Getting souls to hell is an easy task for the Devil these days. And like the human working population, he suffers from monotony. Just for fun, the writer add an interview, sections of legal Implications in negotiating with the Devil, golf courses named after the Devil and a few jokes. So, the Devil in these tales uses golf, his hobby, to win a soul because it presents a more exciting challenge. But it's not that easy, as readers would discover, some golfers are smart enough to outwit the Devil while others fall prey.

Leseprobe

Also by Rolf Zeiler

Asia With Suit And Tie

Asien Mit Anzug Und Krawatte

Kopf Hoch Herbert Wenn Der Hals Auch Dreckig Ist

Mord Hieve

Mord Gülle

Acknowledgements

I am indebted to my wife Irene Sim who read, re-read, argued passionately her opinion and edited this book.

For her mind blowing crafting of ‘The Devil explains the Law’

I like to thank my nephew Thomas Zeiler for creating the wonderful Illustrations, they complete the book.

“The Devil invented golf, so the least we can do is return the favour

and cheat like hell when we play.”

The Golfer’s Home Companion

Inhalt

Interview with the Devil

THE DEVIL’S GOLF COURSE

How the Devil managed to play the Connemara Golf Course

The Devil’s stolen Golf Clubs

The Devil and the Hustler

The Devil’s favourite Trophy

The Caddy from Hell

Just Par

The Devil got the Shanks

The Devil’s Reject

The Devil explains the Law

The Devil’s Playground

Lyrics of Sympathy for the Devil

References

Interview with the Devil

Interviewer: “Your job is obviously unique. What is it like being the boss of Hell?”

Devil: “As a very successful CEO of Hell, I have been working 24/7 for over 2,000 years. If you think your work is hard have some sympathy for the Devil. It truly is Hell. There is no vacation time, because many sinners die every day. There is no retirement plan and I am not allowed a successor. Humans are fond of saying they work to their grave. To me, it’s even nice to have a grave in sight! Sometimes I really want to run away and forget all the responsibilities.”

Interviewer: “Surely as the Devil, you can get to run away sometimes?”

Devil: “Oh yes, work is now getting so mundane that I am disappearing with increasing frequency from the office to indulge in one simple pleasure, golf.

Interviewer: “Why golf and not other CEO-like hobbies”?

Devil: “Well, there are some technicalities and irrelevance. When you can appear and disappear anywhere, there is no need for private jets. I don’t need to shop, I can transform myself into anything I want. Yachting is not feasible. I call too much attention to myself. Whenever the water touches me I am steaming. Can you imagine what happens to me on ski slopes? Hunting? No fun for me, I already have the best prey, humans. It feels like work to me! Neither do I want to have anything to do with sports that confine me to a square like tennis. I already feel restricted enough in Hell, thank you! Having hot women? What is the point, I cannot procreate. I can only generate. Besides, there are already tons of them in Hell.”

Interviewer: “When you started playing golf?”

Devil: “I started playing in 1261 in Holland. At that time, the game was called colf. Every golfer was lying, bitching and cursing on golf courses even in those early days, so I felt totally at home. Statistically, I also collect a lot of souls on the golf course, not as much as jail, but now that there are 60 million golfers worldwide, it is a booming sector for me.

Interviewer: “What fascinates you about golf?”

Devil: “The serenity and beauty of those early link courses never fail to captivate me especially in 1457 when Scotland started adopting the game. I truly enjoy being away from it all and where very few people can actually see me. The Scots were brilliant and they redefined the rules in 1744. The game was made more sophisticated, competitive and frustrating which meant even more cursing, swearing, lying and sinning on the golf course, which I approve overwhelmingly. If chess is considered the game of kings, then golf is the game of the Devil. I revel in the fact that golf is one of the human hobbies that celebrates my name boldly”.

Interviewer: “What do you mean by celebrating your name boldly?

Devil: “If you check, you will realise that few sports or events are ever named after me except for golf. For example, there is a golf competition game called Devil’s Ball. It has nothing to do with me actually, except my name is used as an excuse to be blamed whenever any play goes wrong. In this competition, on each flight, there will be one ball that is marked the Devil’s Ball. On each hole, two scores are combined to create one team score, but one of the score must come from the player using the Devil’s Ball. So when it is your turn to play the Devil’s Ball, you better play it well as your team score depends on it.

When I recall correctly in New Zealand, the legal fraternity stages an annual ‘Devil’s Own’ golf tournament. How ironic considering some of them will go to Hell. It is truly tempting for me to join that tournament and have a preview of the souls I am going to collect, let’s say quite appropriate, on judgment day.”

Interviewer: “If my memory serves me correctly, there are even golf courses named after you”?

Devil: “There are many golf courses that bear my good name, like the Devil’s Golf Course and others. I consider them my private domain and visit them frequently for a round. I don’t know what it is with you humans but you must name golf courses after me if some landscapes, rock formation, mountain ridges, lakes and anything resembles me in the faintest way. I am honoured about the recognition. But let me tell you, the ones who design and name a golf course after me, better live up to it. When it comes to golf, nothing escapes my attention and I don’t take it lightly.

Interviewer: “After hundreds of years of practice, you must be good at this game?”

Devil: “A famous golfer once said, ‘There is no such thing as a natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.’ I certainly agree. Considering that I have been playing this game since 1300s, I have more practice than the whole PGA Tour players combined. An inherent mean streak also meant that I am a seriously strong competitor. Surely, it is not surprising that I therefore play off scratch and am as good as a pro.”

Interviewer: “Ever harbour the thought of being a pro on tour or any other aspirations?”

Devil: “Being a pro would be truly tricky. I cannot commit the time and heaven knows. But secretly, I wish we could play a version of the Ryder Cup tournament with the Heavenly ones. How I would love to beat the crap out of that lot. But golf is not one of the holy hobbies, it seems that beautiful music concerts and designing churches are more of their interest. So, it is ironic that as the Devil, I can make everyone’s wish come true but mine.”

Interviewer: “Thank you for your time, and readers who don’t want to meet the Devil, should avoid golf courses!”

THE DEVIL’S GOLF COURSE

One day, the Devil was wandering the earth rather aimlessly as he was bored. He was tired of chasing souls, of being wicked, fierce, cunning, cruel and deceitful. Even being a trickster, liar, thief, adversary, tempter and destroyer held no appeal.

God created the world and filled it with wild and wonderful creatures and nature. Every soul on earth praised and loved his creations.

“Alright, so he’s the boss and he got the big picture,” thought the Devil. “All I got is another place called Hell and everyone hates me for it!”

He was cantankerous and sulked for days. He was simply jealous of playing second fiddle, just like before, when he was thrown out of heaven. Especially considering that nowadays he got a higher headcount than the Boss.

“When you can’t beat them, you join them,” the Devil thought. “Maybe I should also create something so wonderful, so memorable, so amazing that I will be loved the same way. Not as big, but just as fantastic.”

He went down into the abyss of Hell, next to the anvil fires where he had his office and started thinking about what he could do that will impress the world with his set of skills and be recognised as The Great Creator.

The Devil always liked his office to look very different from the rest of his domain, Hell, as it is his private getaway. So his office furniture is always the latest of each current decade’s modern design. It looks like a page out of Architecture Digest, featuring designs from Philippe Starck.

From his comfortable leather chair behind his stainless steel-framed desk, he can view the hundreds of video screens on the opposite wall where activities of Hell’s dungeons and the misery of thousands and thousands of souls in his care are running 24 hours a day.

Feeling uninspired by their suffering, he walked over to his office bar and poured himself a single shot of 1946 Macallan Malt Whiskey. Even the best whiskey in the world tasted like parch paper. Glaring at one monitor showing the list of the new arrivals, his eyes caught the name of a famous golf course architect. He started smiling.

“That’s it! That’s it,” he repeatedly shouted around the room and pressed a button calling for his servant.

“Yes, my Master,” said the servant.

“Get me Malphas, the Grand President of Hell, now!” the Devil said.

Shortly Malphas arrived at the Devil’s Office. “Malphas my dear, I need you to arrange an extraordinary meeting for tomorrow. Everyone has to come. Make sure of it. Attendance is compulsory,” the Devil told Malphas with a tone of excitement in his voice.

When the note for the Grand Meeting reached the staff in Hell and the outposts, all the Dukes, Princes, Princesses, Counts, Ambassadors, Marquis and second-degree management demons were in a huge panic. In other words, all Hell broke loose.

They knew the Master had been really moody in the past few weeks. The Grand Meeting is very rare. Everyone remembered it was a traumatic day the last time. Many demons were demoted, lost their jobs, banished from hell, lost their powers or simply got annihilated in a puff of smoke!

Hell Inc. is the biggest corporation in the world. Like the Devil always said, “Who is Apple? I put that apple on a tree!”

Without a doubt, Hell is like a typical large conglomerate, it has countless departments and staff. Of course, their job functions are simply rewritten to suit the Hell they are in.

In the Finance Department, Mammon, the Demon of Avarice, started an immediate audit of his accounts and consulted with Astaroth, the Treasurer of Hell. Astaroth told Mammon that the coffers are filled and funding to run Hell and all its glory is secured. They called Melchom, the Demon Who Carries the Money Purse and Payer of Servants.

“Is there something wrong with the monthly pay checks, any cheating?” they asked. Melchom vehemently said, “Everything’s in order. Don’t worry. Won’t be us the Master’s after!”

Mergel, a second-degree demon, in command of Hell’s Secret Police, was equally panicky in the Security Department. He rummaged through all his files going through with a fine toothcomb to see if there are any crimes or mistakes or conspiracies that he forgot to update the Devil. Finding nothing, he ordered Succorbenoth, the Sexless Chief Eunuch and Demon of the Gates to report any unusual activities and lock all gates. Next, he commanded Geryon, giant Centaur and Guardian of Hell to make sure no one leaves hell without permission from the top.

Semiazas, Chief Demon and Head of Hell’s Maintenance Department called an emergency meeting with his managers to get the latest update of any problems. Ukobach, the Inferior Demon who maintains the Fires in Hell appeared ablazed and reported that all fires are in good order. He had the thumbs up from Xaphan, a second-degree demon, responsible for fanning and keeping the flames alive. Next he asked Charon, the Boatman who brings souls across the River Styx to check if anything was wrong with the ferry. Charon told him everything was working the way it should be. Semiazas then sat down and breathed a huge sigh of relief.

The War Department was bigger and more complicated because all the powerful demons had their own legions which they command. They were arrogant, fierce and given every power to exert their authority on souls. Zepar, the Grand Duke, who always appears as a General, was in charge of this renegade crew after the last Grand Meeting. Knowing their powerful characters, Zepar had to get his update rather tactfully.

Alocer, the Duke of War, with 36 legions under his command, appeared as a knight on a warhorse. He had constantly challenged Zepar for the top job, putting obstacles in his way. “Get lost, Zepar!” was Alocer’s favourite reply to any reporting requirements. It was no different this time.

Bael, head of the infernal armies with 66 legions was not as ambitious. And he cordially told Zepar that everything was in order.

Berith, the Great Duke of Hell, governing 26 legions appeared as a big impressive General dressed in red horse-riding outfit that is readied for war. He gave a curt nod to Zepar to denote everything is fine.

Thamuz, the Ambassador of Hell and Master of Big Weapons just sent Zepar a message that everything is well, but he needed more money and funding for bigger weapons.

Most of the legions’ commanders had not bothered to reply at all. So Zepar will attend the Big Meeting feeling rather uncertain and tense.

Apart from these key departments, all other small units also went and check if there are any outstanding issues.

The Torture & Pain Department looked into their procedures.

The Porn, Sodomy & Pedophile Department worked their latest statistics on vice rings and distribution.

The Disinformation, Technology & Church Anti-Propaganda Branch prepared their latest Power Point presentations to demonstrate to the Devil how the latest human social media communication can be better utilised. They were particularly proud that this new media is now the main communication pillar to generate dissent and discord on earth.

The Food and Starvation Department reviewed their achievements from current famines and global warming. They also developed plans to counter big buffet parties and upsize food packaging to show their Master.

The Science, Astrology & Demonic Arts Department was developing more tools in the dark magic and always did the same as their earthly counterparts; ask for more funding.

The Sickness, Poison & Death Department had a great year. The initiative to bring back an old virus was showing results in Africa. The department head went into the meeting feeling rather pleased and safe.

Hell was well organised indeed. The Devil had set up these departments with suitable demon candidates with key job responsibilities so that any havoc created on earth are well targeted and strategised to increase Hell’s population base and match his Masterplan.

Unlike terrestrial organisations, no demon can switch to another company. In any case, they would not get their applications into the other big corporation, God Inc.

So, they all lived in great fear of their Master and of each other. Any rumours, criticism or negative remarks would be thunderously exposed and subject to Satan’s persecution.

The morning of the Grand Meeting arrived. Demons of all ranks and file trooped their way to the Grand Cave of No Return where the meeting was held.

The Grand Cave of No Return is the size of a massive cathedral. In the back of the cave the anvil fires reflected a shimmering red light on the Devil’s altar made out of dark anvil steel. Black candles burned in two huge candelabras carved from human bones on the altar and hundred of identical chandeliers were hanging from the high ceilings.

The flooring was covered with thousands of human skulls and bone fragments. Throughout the cave an odour of sulphur permanently lingers. The wide open massive doors at the entrance were made out of thousand year old dark wood, stained with blood, and guarded by Geryon and his hellhounds.

Entering the cave, Uphir the Demon Physician was asked in a hopeful tone by Merihim, the Dark Prince of Pestilence, “Is there anything wrong with the Master’s health?” As it is in the demon’s nature to plot, many of them, like Merihim, have the eye for the top job and hated the boss.

“He’s alright. Just a little cranky,” came Uphir’s reply, dashing Merihim’s hopes.

Inside the cave, Verdelet, the Demon Master of Ceremonies was aflutter and trying to do a little crowd control given the number of attendees. He had to keep running around to ensure that the Demons are seated in their right positions and order, so the Devil can find the troublemaker quickly. Verin, the Demon of Impatience was rather annoyed with all this hustle and bustle and kept nagging at Verdelet to start the meeting.

The meeting attendees were looking rather resplendent. Valafar, a strong Duke came in the shape of a lion. Duemos, a female with four horns was showing off a glittering new crown she stole from a certain tower in London.

Marquesse Andras with a bird head and angel-like wings was preening and checking if any feathers were scorched en-route to this meeting.

Botis, who proclaims the past and future slithered next to her as a viper. He stuck his tongue out at the Marqueese to scare her out of her wits and amuse himself.

Shax, the Duke of Hell flew in elegantly as a stork.

Vepar, the Grand Duke and Guardian of Water showed up as a Mermaid to look cool but could not move comfortably. He thought looking a little shorter might help deviate unwanted attention from the Devil.

As usual, Furfur, the Count of Hell with his flaming tail was the last to arrive.

On earth, without a doubt, this gathering would have won the prize for the best-looking costume party ever.

Suddenly, a huge black raven descended from the ceiling of the cave and transformed into Malphas, the Grand President of Hell.

“Silence! Everybody in your places!” He commandeered. The demons stop their nervous chatter. “Let’s welcome our Master and Chief Executive Officer. Known to all of us as Mephistopheles, Belial, Abaddon, Lucifer, Devil and Satan,” announced Malphas.

Out of the anvil fire, in a great plume of smoke, the Devil strode to the podium. Like everyone else, he was in his best outfit. He thought he looked rather marvelous. On his hoof feet, he was almost 18-feet tall. His skin was fiery shimmery red. His yellow glowing eyes matched his massive yellow horns. His long lean face with jet-black eyebrows was the perfect foil for his finely trimmed goatee and jet-black hair tied in a ponytail. He held his 20-feet tall Trident with his sharp pointy fingers and tapped it forcefully on the floor, three times.

In a loud clear voice, he addressed the assembly, “My Lords and Ladies, fellow Demons and Servants, thank you for coming here today.”

A loud cheer came from the crowd. He waved his hand to acknowledge their greeting and signaled for silence.

He roared, “It came to my attention that there is a big problem here in Hell! I am here to find the guilty culprits today!”

The room was silent. You could hear a pin drop. Some nervous demons were glancing longingly at the entrance, guarded by a fierce Ceryon holding a monstrous big club in his hairy fist.

“Ha ha, ha, I got you!” laughed the Devil. You could feel the vibration of happy laughter rippling through the hall as everyone felt a huge wave of relief.

“Don’t worry my little devils. Today’s meeting is not about any wrongdoing in Hell. It is about my vision to create a great masterpiece in my name. I want you to design and build for me the finest, most difficult and breathtakingly beautiful golf course on earth.”

All the noise and laughter stopped. Disbelief and incredulous looks appeared on many faces. Confused chatter ensued amongst the demons.

“Vision, He had a Vision? Hey, that’s my line of work,” Nybbas, the demon who manages Vision and Dreams as well as the Inferior Order of Charlatan, said.

Sonneillon, the Demon of Hatred grumbled endlessly, “I hate golf. I hate golf courses. I hate everything that’s got to do with golf.”

Cresil, the Demon of Impurity and Laziness muttered unhappily, “C’mon! Not more work! I’ve got too much to do already!”

Jezebeth, the Demon of Falsehood and Lies was kissing ass as usual. He shouted,

“What a fantastic idea!”

Kobal, the Demon of Hilarity was rolling about laughing, “I don’t know how to play golf, how to design a golf course?” He said to Shalbriri, the Demon of Blindness, “Say, you and me go design the golf course, can you imagine how fun that would be? Oh you can’t see that, can you?” Then he continued laughing his head off.

Astaroth just sighed, “Oh Hell, that will cost a bomb!”

Mammon nodded in agreement and started calculating the cost in his head wondering how he will meet the budget for next year. Maybe his head could roll on this one.

“Order! Order!” shouted Verdelet. He kept banging his bony gavel on a skull till it shattered to bits. A servant immediately replaced a new skull, no shortages in Hell.

The Hall was quiet once more. The Devil banged his Trident on the floor and shouted angrily, smoke puffing out of his nostrils, “I don’t care what you think. I don’t care how you do it!”

He pointed his long nail at Mammon specifically. Then he turned his head to the terrified audience, “You, you and you,” he jabbed his gnarled fingers.

“You have no clue how it corrupts the souls of humans. I am certain you all don’t really know what golf means to me! Let me tell you. Every time I play golf, I find inspiration to do more evil and create many devilish schemes to acquire unwilling souls, each one better than before!”

He scanned the room for the audience reaction. He nodded curtly to Mergal his Secret Police Chief. Five demons were grabbed and rushed hurriedly outside the cave. Anxious looks and chatter went through the room, but everybody kept quiet really quickly.

“Don’t be disturbed by this little inference, I know who is plotting against me and planning a coup. But I know, scheming is what you are best at. But if you get caught, you are finished!” he admonished them, waving his finger like an adult when telling kids not to do it.

“My dear Demons, hasn’t it occurred to you that golf had provided us with the best quality sinners over many decades? Latest statistics of our Anti-Church Propaganda group told me that with more golfers today, we are getting increasing sound bites for cursing and swearing every single day. The church, I am proud to say, sing and whine only once a week,” he declared.

The crowd cheered and felt enlightened by the reason. They began hooting and clapping loudly.

“While churches are a direct subsidiary of God Inc. Golf Courses, are a subsidiary of Hell,” shouted the Devil. “I want our Creation to be as important as the Vatican! I want my Devil’s Golf Course to be my own Cathedral of Evil”.

Roars of approval and support swept through the Hall as demons as more and more warmed up to the idea.

“And now to you my little demons, you are going to build me the most difficult, nasty, obsessive tricky, unpredictable Machiavellian golf course the earth has ever seen. That, my dear demons, will guarantee us a massive improvement for quarrels, lies, curses, tempers, and heart attacks.”

He looked around the Hall and continued, “I want you to go to Earth. Check out the golf courses. Come up with a design for 18 holes that will put the terror in every golfer’s heart!”

Turning to his key management staff, he said, “Stolas, High Prince of Hell and Teacher of Plant Properties, I want you to head the golf committee. Bifrons, the Declarer who also understands geometry, astrology will assist you. Everyone must co-operate with the committee. One final thing, I want my course to be the grandest! The most beautiful! The most famous! Get it done or else.”

With that said, the Devil disappeared with a loud bang, ending the meeting abruptly.

Stolas went straight to work. He identified a group of key demons to be in his committee. The first on his list was Gaap, a Prince of Hell who intensifies love and hatred, but besides those useful skills, he was chosen for his ability as the transporter demon.

Vepar, the Grand Duke who could channel water energies was selected for the water designs at the course. Astaroth, was a natural addition to the committee, as he is the Hell Treasurer and would have to approve the budget and expenditures. The last in the little committee was Ornias, the Harassment Demon. He was included to ensure they get support, information and manpower in time.

At the kick-off meeting, the group agreed that they should first choose a location and find a suitable site for the golf course. They also needed reports to then ascertain the physical elements of the site such as land area, topography, soils, geology, vegetation, water availability and drainage.

“Since we all have no idea about golf course designs, let’s send some scouts throughout the world and study some of the best golf course designs. Then we can see what we can come up with and we can use some of the ideas for the Master’s course,” Astaroth suggested. All agreed and thought it was a brilliant idea.

Ornias quickly drafted a memo and many demons were sent to key countries around the world to check on famous golf courses and come back with a report in a week’s time. Before they left Hell, all traveling demons were given a crash course on how the game was played and fitted with golfing attire so they will not get noticed on the golf course.

What came next was a week of total mayhem, the kind the golfing community in prestigious clubs over the world never had experienced before.

Nicor, the Water Demon, known for drowning humans and who can cause hurricanes, tempests and the like was scouting courses in Ireland, Scotland and England. Within a week, the UK media reported 16 unexplained drowning of golfers in various lakes on golf courses around the country. For the first time in UK history, they had hurricanes at Force 9 gales. Six renowned golf courses were flooded and eight declared unplayable.

Agares, the Prince of Hell was sent to the Americas. He decided to blend in and try the game out of curiosity. Unfortunately, eight of his flight mates died in that week because of his deadly poisonous breath.

Aim, the Grand Duke of Hell, who sets cities, castles and great places on fire, was sent to Central Europe. His strategy was simple. Head to the clubhouse, set it on fire, in the ensuing panic, the course would be closed. He could then stroll around and take pictures for reference and design ideas.

Great Prince Sitri, a cupid in the wrong sense as he makes the wrong people fall in love with each other also enjoys making people go naked. While he was golfing, he had a ball of a time in the US. Several golf members started playing naked and got stripped literally of their memberships. Many such photos went on social media and lawsuits were flying.

Pruflas, a Great Prince and Duke of Hell often cause humans to quarrel, create discord and falsehoods. In Asia, wherever he played on a course, golfers were boxing each other on the green and aiming golf balls at other players. Happy hour on the 19th hole became a regular kung fu brawl that week, resulting in several police visits. Many members got kicked out of the club and were left to wonder what had happened.

The Devil was outraged when he heard about the calamity around the world’s best golf courses. He screamed for Stolas, who appeared in a hurry.