Social Anxiety For Dummies E-Book

Laura Johnson

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 440

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

Break free from social anxiety, one step at a time

Feeling anxious around people? Not sure where to start? Then this user-friendly, practical resource might be exactly what you’re looking for. This workbook helps you tackle your fear of judgment and worry about what others think of you. You’ll find simple step-by-step instructions, worksheets and real-world examples to help you gain insight and control over your social anxiety.

Social Anxiety For Dummies is a solution-focused guide to creating a new mindset about social anxiety and your ability to cope with it. This book has easy-to-understand information and effective strategies to help you make positive changes in your life.

• Packed with tips and tools to conquer your social anxiety
• Create positive self-talk, reduce avoidance and face your fears
• Discover how to deal with social situations, dating, public speaking, kids with social anxiety and workplace anxiety
• Explore how positive psychology can help you live a life of meaning, with or without social anxiety

A complete guide with proven ideas, this is a jargon-free and a fun approach to gaining mastery over your social anxiety. Social Anxiety For Dummies puts you on the fast track to building your self-esteem and confidence.

Leseprobe

Social Anxiety For Dummies®

To view this book's Cheat Sheet, simply go to www.dummies.com and search for “Social Anxiety For Dummies Cheat Sheet” in the Search box.

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Introduction

About This Book

Foolish Assumptions

Icons Used in This Book

Beyond the Book

Where to Go from Here

Part 1: Getting Started with Social Anxiety

Chapter 1: Understanding Social Anxiety

What Is Social Anxiety?

Signs You May Have Social Anxiety

The ABCs of Social Anxiety

Common Social Anxiety Fears

Common Social Anxiety Beliefs

Staying on the Social Anxiety Treadmill

Protecting Yourself from Social Anxiety

Making a Roadmap for Change

Motivating Yourself to Tackle Social Anxiety

Chapter 2: Spotting Social Anxiety

Identifying the Core Features of Social Anxiety

Understanding How Common Social Anxiety Is

What Social Anxiety Is and Isn’t

Diagnosing Social Anxiety Disorder

How Social Anxiety Overlaps with Other Disorders

Chapter 3: Exploring Where Social Anxiety Comes From

Understanding How Social Anxiety Develops

Considering the Role of Emotional Needs

Understanding Common Life Themes with Social Anxiety

Chapter 4: Looking at the Types of Social Anxiety

Identifying Common Situations That Trigger Social Anxiety

Initiating Social Interactions

Using Technology to Communicate

Getting Involved with Social Events

Maintaining Relationships

Being Assertive

Worrying about Performance

Speaking in Public

Showing Signs of Anxiety in Public

Chapter 5: Feeling Stuck with Social Anxiety

How Social Anxiety Works

Understanding the Cycle of Social Anxiety

Factors Perpetuating Social Anxiety

Experiencing the Stages of Social Anxiety

Identifying Unhelpful Coping Behaviors

Part 2: Understanding the Social Anxiety Cycle

Chapter 6: Assessing Your Social Anxiety

Identifying Situations That Make You Anxious

Identifying Your Negative Thoughts

Identifying Your Underlying Fears

Assessing Your Social Anxiety with a Formal Survey

Identifying Your Safety Behaviors

Monitoring Your Social Anxiety

Chapter 7: Identifying Your Thinking Traps

Understanding Thinking Traps

Knowing Your ABCs

Looking at the Types of Thinking Traps

Noticing Thinking Traps

Understanding What Happens When You Get Stuck in a Thinking Trap

Chapter 8: Pinpointing Your Core Beliefs

Understanding Core Beliefs

Categorizing Negative Core Beliefs

Identifying Your Negative Core Beliefs

How Core Beliefs and Schemas Differ

Part 3: Overcoming Social Anxiety

Chapter 9: Getting Ready to Change

Defining SMART Goals

Setting SMART Goals

Staying In a Growth Mindset

Examining the Pros and Cons of Overcoming Social Anxiety

Identifying the Obstacles to Change

Chapter 10: Changing Your Self-Talk

Reframing Fearful Thinking Into CALM Thinking

Identifying Your Inner Critic

Recognizing Unhelpful Types of Self-Talk

Strategies to Reframe Your Thinking

Reinforcing Your Positive Self-Talk

Chapter 11: Facing Your Fears

Exploring the Benefits of Exposures

Doing Exposures to Face Your Fears

Maximizing the Effectiveness of Your Exposures

Getting Comfortable with Your Anxious Feelings

Letting People See You Are Anxious

Using Your Imagination as an Exposure

Finding Other Ways to Work on Social Anxiety

Chapter 12: Using Positive Psychology to Create New Beliefs

Defining Positive Psychology and the Three Types of Happiness

Understanding Universal Character Strengths

Identifying Your Character Strengths

Finding Meaningful Pursuits

Creating New Positive Beliefs

Reinforcing Positive Beliefs

Chapter 13: Embracing Your Social Anxiety

Identifying Your Values

Accepting You Have Social Anxiety

Practicing Mindfulness

Showing Compassion for Yourself

Performing Loving-Kindness Meditation

Chapter 14: Taking Care of Yourself

Identifying the Physical Sensations of Social Anxiety

Taking Care of Your Body

Participating in Leisure Activities and Hobbies

Finding Purpose and Meaning

Getting Social Support from Family and Friends

Chapter 15: Working with a Therapist

Understanding Evidence-Based Treatment of Social Anxiety

Identifying Different Types of Therapy

Identifying Different Types of Therapists

Knowing What Makes a Good Therapist

Resources for Finding a Therapist

Finding a Psychiatrist

Part 4: Tackling Specific Types of Social Anxiety

Chapter 16: Fear of Public Speaking

Getting Control of Your Public Speaking Anxiety

Identifying Speaking Situations that Make You Nervous

Changing Your Mindset About Public Speaking

Facing Your Fears with Public Speaking Exposures

Ending Negative Patterns with Public Speaking

Chapter 17: Social Anxiety with Dating

Getting Control of Your Dating Anxiety

Identifying Dating Situations that Make You Nervous

Changing Your Mindset About Dating

Facing Your Dating Fears with Exposures

Ending Negative Patterns with Dating

Chapter 18: Social Anxiety in the Workplace

Getting Control of Your Social Anxiety at Work

Identifying the Types of Social Anxiety at Work

Changing Your Mindset About Social Anxiety at Work

Facing Your Fears with Exposures at Work

Ending Negative Patterns at Work

Chapter 19: Children with Social Anxiety

Signs Your Child May Have Social Anxiety

Recognizing Safety Behaviors in Children

Helping Your Child with Social Anxiety

Guiding Your Child to Face Their Fears

Resisting the Urge to Accommodate Your Child’s Social Anxiety

Providing Support as Your Child Faces Their Fears

Part 5: The Part of Tens

Chapter 20: Ten Famous People with Social Anxiety

Adele

Barbra Streisand

Donny Osmond

Ed Sheeran

Eva Longoria

Julia Roberts

Kim Basinger

Naomi Osaka

Shonda Rhimes

Warren Buffett

Chapter 21: Ten Social Anxiety Habits to Break

Avoiding Your Fears

Asking for Reassurance

Using Empty Mantras

Drinking Too Much Alcohol

Hiding Your Anxiety

Pretending to Be Confident

Keeping People at a Distance

Trying to Be Perfect

Being Passive

Being a People Pleaser

Index

About the Author

Advertisement Page

Connect with Dummies

End User License Agreement

List of Tables

Chapter 1

TABLE 1-1 Common Social Anxiety Beliefs

Chapter 2

TABLE 2-1 Common Traits of Shyness, Introversion, and Social Anxiety

TABLE 2-2 Mental Health Problems That Overlap with Social Anxiety

Chapter 3

TABLE 3-1 Full List of Schemas

Chapter 5

TABLE 5-1 How Social Anxiety Sticks Around

Chapter 6

TABLE 6-1 Situations That May Cause Social Anxiety

TABLE 6-2 Common Negative Thoughts

TABLE 6-3 Common Safety Behaviors

TABLE 6-4 Social Anxiety Log

Chapter 7

TABLE 7-1 Types of Thinking Traps

Chapter 8

TABLE 8-1 Negative versus Positive Core Beliefs

TABLE 8-2 Identifying a Core Belief

Chapter 9

TABLE 9-1 SMART Goals Template

TABLE 9-2 Growth versus Fixed Mindset in Social Anxiety

TABLE 9-3 Pros and Cons of Overcoming Social Anxiety

TABLE 9-4 Pros and Cons of Staying the Same

Chapter 10

TABLE 10-1 Types of Thinking Traps

TABLE 10-2 Reframing Your Fearful Thinking

TABLE 10-3 Rating Possible Outcomes

Chapter 11

TABLE 11-1 Jennifer’s Feared Situations

TABLE 11-2 Your Feared Situations

TABLE 11-3 Jennifer’s Fear Ladder

TABLE 11-4 Your Fear Ladder

TABLE 11-5 Exposure Worksheet

Chapter 12

TABLE 12-1 Wisdom Character Strengths

TABLE 12-2 Courage Character Strengths

TABLE 12-3 Humanity Character Strengths

TABLE 12-4 Justice Character Strengths

TABLE 12-5 Temperance Character Strengths

TABLE 12-6 Transcendence Character Strengths

TABLE 12-7 Your Personal Character Strengths

TABLE 12-8 How Jennie Reframed Her Beliefs

TABLE 12-9 Your Reframed Beliefs

Chapter 13

TABLE 13-1 Values List

Chapter 15

TABLE 15-1 Types of Therapists

Chapter 16

TABLE 16-1 Common Thinking Traps

TABLE 16-2 Molly’s CALM Thinking

TABLE 16-3 Reframing Your Fearful Thinking

TABLE 16-4 Molly’s Public Speaking Fears

TABLE 16-5 Your Public Speaking Fears

TABLE 16-6 Molly’s Fear Ladder

TABLE 16-7 Your Fear Ladder

Chapter 17

TABLE 17-1 Common Thinking Traps

TABLE 17-2 Jason’s Thinking Traps

TABLE 17-3 Your Thinking Traps

TABLE 17-4 Jason’s CALM Thinking

TABLE 17-5 Reframing Your Fearful Thinking

TABLE 17-6 Jason’s Dating Fears

TABLE 17-7 Your Dating Fears

TABLE 17-8 Jason’s Fear Ladder

TABLE 17-9 Your Fear Ladder

Chapter 18

TABLE 18-1 Common Thinking Traps

TABLE 18-2 Dave’s Thinking Traps

TABLE 18-3 Your Thinking Traps

TABLE 18-4 Dave’s CALM Thinking

TABLE 18-5 Reframing Your Fearful Thinking

TABLE 18-6 Dave’s Fears at Work

TABLE 18-7 Your Fears at Work

TABLE 18-8 Dave’s Fear Ladder

TABLE 18-9 Your Fear Ladder

Chapter 19

TABLE 19-1 Common Signs of Social Anxiety in Children

TABLE 19-2 Thinking Traps Common in Children

TABLE 19-3 Your Child’s Thinking Traps

TABLE 19-4 Allie’s CALM Thinking

TABLE 19-5 Reframing Your Child’s Fearful Thinking

TABLE 19-6 Allie’s Fear Ladder

TABLE 19-7 Your Child’s Fear Ladder

List of Illustrations

Chapter 2

FIGURE 2-1: The social anxiety spectrum.

Chapter 3

FIGURE 3-1: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

FIGURE 3-2: Core emotional needs.

FIGURE 3-3: How unmet needs can lead to unhealthy life themes with social anxie...

Chapter 4

FIGURE 4-1: Types of social anxiety.

Chapter 5

FIGURE 5-1: The cycle of social anxiety.

Chapter 7

FIGURE 7-1: The ABC model.

Chapter 8

FIGURE 8-1: The downward arrow technique.

Chapter 12

FIGURE 12-1: Twenty-four character strengths.

Guide

Cover

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Begin Reading

Index

About the Author

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Social Anxiety For Dummies®

Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774, www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2025 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial technologies or similar technologies.

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Published simultaneously in Canada

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Introduction

What do you have in common with Adele, Julia Roberts, Naomi Osaka, and Warren Buffett? You guessed it. They are some of the most famous people in the world, yet they all have spoken out about having experienced some form of social anxiety. I hope this shows you that you are not alone in having social anxiety. Social anxiety is so common that in any given year, millions of people are diagnosed with it. That doesn’t even include the many more people who have a low level of social anxiety that don’t show up in the numbers.

Social anxiety affects the way you think and feel about yourself. You may worry that if you show symptoms of anxiety, you could be negatively evaluated, humiliated, or embarrassed and seen as being socially awkward. Social anxiety generally shows up in childhood and the teenage years. For some people, but not everyone, it can lead to lowered self-esteem, social isolation, loneliness, and depression.

If you avoid situations that cause you to feel socially anxious, you’ll never learn that you can handle those situations. Your anxiety becomes a vicious cycle. Every time you avoid people and situations that make you feel anxious, the cycle of social anxiety begins again. The good news is that your ability to cope with social anxiety can be improved, and you can even overcome your anxiety if you change your thinking and face your fears.

You no longer need to be scared or self-conscious about having social anxiety or think that there’s something wrong with you. I believe people with social anxiety are the kindest and most compassionate people. Tackling social anxiety involves extending your kindness and compassion toward yourself.

About This Book

Congratulations! By picking up this book, you’re embarking on a journey of self-improvement. Overcoming social anxiety is challenging. If you are looking for an easy-to-use book to tackle your social anxiety on your own, you’re in the right place.

For Dummies books are unique. They are simple-to-use books that mostly avoid technical jargon. In this book, I include a lot of bite-size nuggets of information so that you don’t have to wade through stuff that’s not relevant to you. I cover many topics about social anxiety and offer tips and ideas on how to help yourself. There’s a lot of information and places to write. In this book, you will find information on

Understanding the basics of social anxiety, such as how to spot it, where it comes from, the types of social anxiety, and what keeps it alive

Pinpointing some of your thinking traps and core beliefs

Discovering ways to get motivated to change

Using thinking strategies to change your self-talk

Doing exposures and staying in a learning mode as you face your fears

Applying the strategies for dealing with social anxiety in a general way as well as with special topics like public speaking, dating, in the workplace, and with children

You will also find many case examples that illustrate different types of social anxiety. If you don’t see yourself in one of the examples, you may in another one. Just so you know, the people I talk about in the case examples are composites and not actual people. I do not include any identifiable information so privacy and confidentiality are protected. Any resemblance to a person, dead or alive, is purely coincidental.

This book may not be your final destination on your journey to overcoming social anxiety, but I hope it’s a good first step.

Foolish Assumptions

In writing this book, I have made some assumptions about you, the reader:

You are smart! You are not a dummy. The word “dummy” just means this is a simple-to-use book written in everyday English.

Millions of people like you have social anxiety. You are not alone!

You’d like to start with a self-help approach. You probably have some social anxiety and you’d like to see if you can tackle it on your own first.

You may be a doctor or therapist looking to learn more about social anxiety for your patients.

You may be reading this book for some tips to help someone else. It could be your child, another relative, a friend, or a partner.

No matter who you are, this book can help you.

Icons Used in This Book

Throughout this book, icons in the margins highlight certain types of valuable information that call out for your attention. Here are the icons you’ll encounter and a brief description of each.

The Tip icon highlights practical advice for putting strategies into action.

The Remember icon is important information to take note of to help you overcome your social anxiety.

The Technical Stuff icon marks interesting but not essential information, so it’s fine if you want to skip over it.

The Warning icon tells you to watch out for traps that might make your social anxiety worse.

The Experiment icon represents something you can try out in real life to see what happens and what you learn.

The Case Example icon highlights examples of hypothetical people with social anxiety and how they are using the steps in this book.

Beyond the Book

Check out this book’s online Cheat Sheet for even more tips on tackling your social anxiety. Just go to www.dummies.com and search for “Social Anxiety For Dummies Cheat Sheet.” The Cheat Sheet has a few helpful tips from this book. It’s okay to cheat sometimes. (Don’t tell anyone I said that!)

Where to Go from Here

I expect that by reading this book, you’ll gain a better understanding of social anxiety and be able to complete many self-help techniques on your own. There are many exercises and reflection areas to write so be sure to have a pencil or pen ready. I hope you find this book interesting, simple, and at times, fun to read.

This book is not meant to be read in order from start to finish. Feel free to jump around. Be sure not to miss a couple of critical chapters: Chapter 10, “Changing Your Self Talk,” and Chapter 11, “Facing Your Fears.” These chapters discuss the heart of tackling social anxiety.

If your social anxiety is severe or you have co-occurring depression or substance abuse, you should also seek out a therapist. In Chapter 15, you’ll find suggestions about how to find one.

Part 1

Getting Started with Social Anxiety

IN THIS PART …

Discover what social anxiety is, some of the common fears and beliefs around social anxiety, and how the cycle of social anxiety works.

Explore the core features of social anxiety and what criteria are used to make a formal diagnosis of social anxiety disorder.

Find out where social anxiety comes from and how it develops.

Look at the many ways social anxiety may show up and review examples of common situations that may trigger negative thoughts, uncomfortable feelings, and safety and avoidant behaviors.

Explore the cycle of social anxiety and discover how negative thoughts and core beliefs lead to feelings of social anxiety and unhelpful reactions.

Chapter 1

Understanding Social Anxiety

IN THIS CHAPTER

Discovering what social anxiety is

Grasping the cycle of social anxiety

Motivating yourself to tackle your social anxiety

Welcome to the beginning of your journey of self-discovery! You may be here because everyday social interactions cause you to have feelings of excessive fear, self-consciousness, or embarrassment. You may worry about being judged by others. Your social anxiety may often lead you to feel less than others as well as negatively evaluate yourself. When you are feeling socially anxious, you experience painful emotions, and you likely want to increase your sense of self-worth and feel better about yourself.

This book can help you gain knowledge about social anxiety and provide you with tips and strategies to handle it. In this chapter, you start your journey by discovering what social anxiety is, some of the common fears and beliefs around social anxiety, and how the cycle of social anxiety works. Are you ready? Let’s get started.

What Is Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety is more than just shyness. It’s an intense, persistent, and irrational fear of social situations that’s out of proportion to the actual threat. If you have social anxiety, you may worry that if you show signs of anxiety that others can see, you will be negatively evaluated, humiliated, or embarrassed. You may fear that your actions or symptoms will lead to rejection or offending others. Because of this, you may avoid social situations altogether or participate with dread and fear. You may use any number of subtle safety behaviors, such as staying quiet, minimizing eye contact, or drinking alcohol to get through a social situation, to name just a few.

Social anxiety can cause significant distress and greatly impact how you function in life, affecting your social, work, and family life. You may feel lonely because you avoid opportunities to socialize and don’t have many friends. You may perform below your capabilities at work and lose out on promotions. Or you may hold your kids back because you get nervous talking to other parents at your children’s sporting events or after-school activities.

Following are common components of social anxiety:

Fearing judgment and humiliation

Worrying about what others are thinking about you

Being self-conscious and not showing emotions

Feeling socially awkward

Being sensitive to criticism

Avoiding people and situations

Signs You May Have Social Anxiety

Social anxiety shows up in many ways. You may feel self-conscious, fear being judged, worry about and avoid social situations, criticize yourself, mind read what others think of you, or jump to the worst-case scenario. Following are common ways social anxiety may show up for you:

Self-talk:

You engage in negative self-talk, such as “I’m socially awkward.” “I’m stupid.” “No one likes me.” “I’m unattractive.” “Everyone thinks I am weird.” “If everyone doesn’t like me, there must be something wrong with me.” “If others see signs of my anxiety, they will look down on me.”

Behavior:

You avoid social interactions, have difficulty making friends, be alone too often, have trouble making eye contact, speaking in social situations, or try to hide signs of anxiety from others.

Feelings:

You feel anxious, worried, lonely, shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment, and many other negative emotions at times.

Physical:

You react in a physical way by blushing, having a headache, feeling dizzy, trembling, shaking, feeling lightheaded, sweating, having a stomach ache, feeling nauseated, vomiting, or having body aches.

See Chapter 2 for more about the core features of social anxiety.

The ABCs of Social Anxiety

A simple way to notice and change the pattern of social anxiety is to remember your ABCs. Here’s what the ABCs of social anxiety stand for:

A

ctivating event:

The trigger that throws you into a downward spiral and leads to

thinking traps,

or negative thinking patterns (for more on thinking traps, see

Chapter 7

).

B

eliefs:

Your thoughts about yourself and others, including your negative self-talk. These beliefs may be conscious or unconscious.

C

onsequences:

What happens after the triggering event. The consequences include your negative emotions, behaviors like rumination or avoidance, or physical sensations.

You have the most influence in changing B — your beliefs and self-talk. Chapter 8 explores how to identify your core beliefs, and Chapter 10 discusses how to change your self-talk. In Chapter 11, you discover how facing your fears can help you create new beliefs to help you overcome your social anxiety.

Common Social Anxiety Fears

Many fears are associated with social anxiety. The central fear of social anxiety is the fear of judgment, and some people also experience anxiety about having anxiety. Following are some of the most common fears associated with social anxiety:

Fear of judgment:

You worry excessively about what others are thinking of you and whether you are accepted and fit in. You mind read about what people may be thinking about you before, during, and/or after social situations.

Fear that people will see your anxiety:

You worry that others will see that you are anxious and will look down on you. For example, you may feel self-conscious about blushing, having shaky hands, your voice trembling, or stuttering. You think other people will view you as weak or inferior if you look anxious to them.

Fear of criticism:

You feel especially sensitive when others give you feedback. You may dread getting report cards or performance reviews. You worry about being evaluated as less than or worse than what you think you are or would like to be.

Fear of appearing foolish in front of others:

You worry that you will do something that will make you look foolish. You avoid taking risks and revealing your true self because it could result in embarrassment.

Fear of making mistakes:

You are a perfectionist and think you should never make mistakes. You are often in performance mode and think you will be judged if you make mistakes. You often avoid situations where you feel you won’t succeed.

Fear of uncertainty:

You have anxiety around unpredictable situations. You worry that unexpected things could happen in social situations and that you won’t know how to handle them or that your mind will go blank.

Fear of feeling anxious:

You worry that you will have uncomfortable sensations in your mind or body that will be intolerable. You may have anxiety sensitivity and avoid situations that trigger anxious feelings.

Common Social Anxiety Beliefs

People with social anxiety often share common beliefs about themselves and others — and about social anxiety in general. Table 1-1 lists many common beliefs. You can find a longer list in Chapter 8.

TABLE 1-1 Common Social Anxiety Beliefs

About Yourself

About Others

About Social Anxiety

I’m boring.

I’m inferior.

I’m socially awkward.

I’m uninteresting.

I don’t fit in or belong.

I’m unattractive or ugly.

People are critical and judgmental.

Others look down on people with social anxiety.

People will notice if I am anxious or have a panic attack and think I’m weak.

Others do not like quiet people.

Social anxiety is bad or embarrassing.

Feeling social anxiety is intolerable.

Feeling anxious is dangerous.

I must never have social anxiety.

Staying on the Social Anxiety Treadmill

Social anxiety sticks around because you imagine a high perceived threat and have low confidence in coping with that threat. The avoidance and safety behaviors you use interfere with the learning process. You never get to know whether the danger isn’t real or not as risky as you think and that you can cope with it.

Following is an outline of the cycle of anxiety and how it can keep you stuck on the social anxiety treadmill. You can read more about the social anxiety cycle in Chapter 5.

Situation:

Something makes you feel uncomfortable or vulnerable.

Core beliefs:

Conscious or unconscious negative beliefs simmer up.

Unbalanced scale:

Fear increases as you overestimate the risks of social interactions while having low confidence in your ability to cope.

Social anxiety mode:

You start to have anxious thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. You imagine the worst-case scenario, and you practice safety behaviors, including avoidance.

Repeat:

Your negative core beliefs don’t change, and the cycle starts again with another situation.

Protecting Yourself from Social Anxiety

Avoidance and engaging in safety behaviors are common ways you may try to protect yourself from the fear of judgment or experiencing anxiety.

Avoidance

When you avoid situations, you never learn that you can handle them. Avoidance is simply not doing the things that expose you to social risks. You may avoid parties, making phone calls, going to family reunions, going on dates, getting a job, and more. You are missing out on life when you avoid.

Safety behaviors

Safety behaviors are the subtle actions you do to try to reduce anxiety in social situations. Safety behaviors include avoiding eye contact, staying quiet in groups or talking excessively, drinking alcohol, not sharing your feelings or opinions, speaking softly, crossing your arms, over-preparing, and more. See Chapter 6 for more about identifying safety behaviors.

Making a Roadmap for Change

The two most important steps you can take to handle your social anxiety are working on your self-talk and facing your fears.

Changing your self-talk

The first most important step you can take to handle your social anxiety is engaging in effective self-talk. Effective self-talk involves being compassionate, accepting, logical, and motivating. In this book, I call this CALM thinking:

Compassionate:

What can you say to yourself that’s gentler and kinder?

Accepting:

What part is true and can you accept in a nonjudgmental way?

Logical:

What thinking traps do you notice? What can you say to yourself that’s more realistic or helpful?

Motivating:

What can you remind yourself of that can inspire you to change?

Using the reframing skill can help you move from fearful thinking to CALM thinking. See Chapter 10 for more about the reframing skill and changing your self-talk.

Facing your fears

The second important step you can take to handle your social anxiety is to face your fears by exposing yourself to the situations that cause you anxiety. One of the fundamental principles of doing exposures is being able to get used to having anxiety without escaping it. The second important principle of exposures is being able to learn from them. You may learn that you can tolerate and cope with anxiety better than you expected, or you may learn that your fear did not come true.

Following is an overview of the steps involved in facing your fears:

Create a target list of the situations you fear or avoid.

Develop a fear ladder for some of the situations you want to work on and rank your fear level for each one.

Select something to do from your fear ladder, identify your worry, and make a prediction of what could happen.

After the exposure, debrief with yourself on what actually happened and what you learned.

Repeat the same exposure or work on a new one.

Though these steps may feel complicated or overwhelming, you can do them at your own pace and in small chunks. You read more about creating a fear ladder and facing your fears in Chapter 11.

Other ways to tackle social anxiety

In addition to working on changing your self-talk and facing your fears are several often overlooked ways to help you tackle social anxiety: using positive psychology principles, knowing your values, and accepting your anxiety. These topics are covered in more detail in Chapters 12 and 13.

Positive psychology:

Social anxiety is often looked at through a deficit lens, but this book normalizes it and recognizes how common social anxiety is. Positive psychology focuses on developing your strengths and using them to move toward a meaningful life, which is essential with or without social anxiety. This can help you overcome avoidance and engage in fulfilling social interactions.

Values:

Your values help define who you are and who you want to be. When you are aware of your values, you can use them to guide you. Your values can become motivators to change. You are willing to accept the uncomfortable feelings that come with social anxiety in order to live your values.

Acceptance:

Acceptance means acknowledging the facts despite wishing you did not feel socially anxious. When you are experiencing social anxiety, your first instinct may be to try to push it away. The more you refuse to accept social anxiety, the larger it will grow. Accepting that you are feeling anxiety in social situations does not mean you are giving up.

Motivating Yourself to Tackle Social Anxiety

In Chapter 9, you discover several ways to motivate yourself to tackle social anxiety. Here are a few highlights.

Identify your reasons for changing

This is finding your “why” for changing. You can ask yourself, what is important to you? What are your values? Why do you want to work on tackling your social anxiety? Some reasons could be to have a better marriage, to be a role model for your children, to advance in your career, to make more friends, or to have greater self-esteem, to name just a few.

Stay in a growth mindset

In a growth mindset, you believe your abilities can be developed through hard work and perseverance. Intelligence and talent are important but not the main ingredients. As a result, you develop a love of learning, resilience, and a tolerance for mistakes. Your motto is: “Mistakes are an opportunity to learn.”

Identify obstacles to change

Identifying the pros and cons of changing your social anxiety can help you motivate to change. It may surprise you to learn that there are reasons that keep your social anxiety from changing. Bringing these reasons into your awareness can help you tackle your social anxiety.

Chapter 2

Spotting Social Anxiety

IN THIS CHAPTER

Understanding the features of social anxiety

Seeing that social anxiety is common around the world

Exploring the differences between social anxiety and related problems

Social anxiety can be easily confused with other personality traits. You may be wondering what the differences are between social anxiety and shyness, introversion, and avoidant personality. You may also be wondering how social anxiety overlaps with other problems like generalized anxiety, depression, or substance use.

In this chapter, you explore the core features of social anxiety, such as the fear of judgment and humiliation, worrying about what others are thinking about you, and being self-conscious. You also look at what criteria are used to make a formal diagnosis of social anxiety disorder. Finally, you discover just how common social anxiety is — and that you are not alone.

Identifying the Core Features of Social Anxiety

A popular theory as to why humans develop anxiety involves a story about the saber-toothed tiger. In prehistoric days when humans were evolving, there was a productive reason for anxiety. If you encountered a saber-toothed tiger, you were in real danger and you’d better run. The body developed a chemical response system so that when you were stressed, you would escape whatever triggered that stress by exerting physical energy. Once the threat was gone, your body returned to normal, assuming the tiger didn’t eat you!

Another theory involves a story that takes place when humans lived in tribes. Back then, human survival was dependent on remaining in a tribe for protection and shared resources. If you were kicked out of the tribe, that could be a death sentence. So people did what they could to gain and keep social approval — and remain in the tribe.

Combining the tiger theory and the tribe theory is the perfect recipe for understanding how social anxiety developed over time. Your brain is designed for survival, so it constantly scans the environment for danger, even in places that may not be dangerous today. Humans also evolved to fear getting kicked out of the tribe, so getting social approval may feel important to survival even though today, we can function more independently.

When you perceive possible judgment or humiliation as potential dangers, you may experience a fight-flight-freeze response. For example, if you perceive that someone looks at you “the wrong way,” and you interpret it as an indication that they do not like you, that look may feel as dangerous to you as being chased by a saber-tooth tiger or getting kicked out of your tribe. And your brain reacts in the same way as it would with the tiger. It can trigger the body’s fight-flight-freeze mechanism, often along with uncomfortable and potentially embarrassing physical symptoms like blushing, shaking, sweating, or even worse, vomiting or diarrhea.

If you remain in the social situation (instead of escaping), you may also worry that others will see your anxiety symptoms. This may be the scariest of all. Another challenge is that the fear of having bodily sensations or showing them can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Naturally, you do what you can to avoid your perceived threats. Avoidance may make you feel safe, but it does not work to ease your social anxiety in the long run.

Fearing judgment and humiliation

Social anxiety is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear of judgment and humiliation is the core fear of social anxiety — and all other worries and fears associated with social anxiety stem from it.

If you base your self-worth on the judgment of others, when you make a mistake, say the wrong thing, or commit any other social faux pas, you may feel humiliated and defective in some way. Your social anxiety may also trigger an emotional reaction like shame, which is the feeling of being worthless, flawed, incompetent, unlikable, or unlovable.

If you look back carefully at your childhood or teen years, your social anxiety may have started after a humiliating experience. It may have been how a parent or peer treated you. It may have been obvious or subtle. In Chapter 3, you explore where your social anxiety may have come from.

Worrying about what others are thinking

It’s exhausting to constantly try to interpret what others are thinking about you and avoid negative evaluation by them. However, it may seem to make sense to place a lot of weight on what others think. After all, being part of a group was essential for human survival, and it still is in many ways, even if we can function more independently.

When you worry too much about what others think, you are chasing social approval. This makes it hard for you to develop a sense of self and your own identity. You become scared to be yourself because you think others will not like you. You think it keeps you safe to hide your true self because you think others would not approve of you if they really knew you. Instead, hiding your true feelings just reinforces your fears and keeps you feeling inferior.

Being self-conscious and not showing emotions

When you feel self-conscious, you may hide your positive and negative emotions and not share much about yourself. You do this so that people won’t see your perceived weaknesses and come to a negative conclusion about you. Ironically, the less people know about you, the less comfortable they may feel around you. Hiding your emotions can backfire.

You may be excessively worried about showing any signs that you have social anxiety. You may worry that people will see you as weak and look down on you — and this can be true in our competitive society. You may think that if people see your anxiety symptoms, they will perceive you as weak. So then they may criticize or take advantage of you because they think they can. It is important to remember that people are not usually focusing on you, and even if they are, they may not notice that you are nervous. But if they do notice and say something about you, such negative evaluation is not dangerous, and you can learn to cope with it.

Feeling social awkward

Social awkwardness refers to feeling uncomfortable and out of place socially. Social situations, especially when meeting new people, can be uncomfortable. There could be some awkward laughing and painful silence. This is to be expected.

Feeling socially awkward is not necessarily bad. You may just have trouble understanding social norms, have problems with clear communication, or act in a way that’s different than other people. With social anxiety, you believe you should never feel socially awkward so social situations become a trigger for you.

If you have social anxiety and define yourself as socially awkward, you probably feel that you are “weird” or uninteresting. You see yourself in endlessly negative ways and think you are unlikable. In the worst case, your inner critic overpowers you and calls you all kinds of bad names, including boring, stupid, loser, and pathetic. The ultimate bad word is the f-word: freak. Your inner critic thinks it absolutely knows how little you have to offer to the world, regardless of the facts.

Being sensitive to criticism

Criticism is an inevitable part of life. You may have heard the expression that words can never hurt you. For you, getting feedback can feel excruciating. Just the thought of receiving a performance review at work or a report card at school can send you into a tailspin. You interpret minor comments that mean little to nothing as criticism.

If you often feel criticized to a degree that’s not in proportion to the facts, you may be experiencing rejection sensitivity. Rejection sensitivity is a type of emotional response in which the pain can feel insurmountable. With rejection sensitivity, you react intensely to rejection, criticism, disapproval, or failure.

Avoiding people and situations

Everyone with social anxiety engages in some form of avoidance behavior. True avoidance involves completely avoiding the social situations that cause you to have anxiety. Most of the time, complete avoidance is neither possible nor practical. When avoidance is not possible, you may use safety behaviors to manage your feelings of anxiety during social or performance situations.

Safety behaviors are actions you take to reduce anxiety but never help you learn that you can handle the anxiety itself. Safety behaviors include avoiding eye contact, having an alcoholic drink “to loosen up,” carrying water with you everywhere, or leaving a party early. These actions give you an illusion of control, but they just provide temporary relief.

Many people with social anxiety are getting out into the world and interacting with people. You may say, “I already do all of that! Why doesn’t it ever get any easier?” If you engage in safety behaviors, you are not giving yourself a true exposure to the feared situations. That is why your social anxiety is not improving.

Understanding How Common Social Anxiety Is

Social anxiety is extremely common. You may not believe how many people have it. Social anxiety is the most common anxiety disorder and the third most common mental health disorder in the United States.

An estimated 7 percent of U.S. adults over the age of 18 have a formal diagnosis of social anxiety disorder in any given year. That’s about 18 million U.S. adults in the typical year.

Approximately 13 percent of U.S. adults have a lifetime prevalence of diagnosable social anxiety, which is approximately 34 million adults. And this number doesn’t include people with low-level social anxiety.

About 9 percent of U.S. adolescents between the ages of 13 and 17 are diagnosed with social anxiety disorder in any given year. This is almost 4 million teenagers in an average year.

More than 75 percent of people experience their first symptoms of social anxiety between the ages of 8 and 15. This shows how important it is to get help for your kids so that they do not need to go into adulthood suffering.

Statistics for social anxiety outside the United States vary, and it’s hard to estimate. If we extend the lifetime incidence of 13 percent to the worldwide population of 6 billion people over the age of 15, as many as 780 million people around the globe have social anxiety, not including children and young teens!

These stats represent those who receive a formal diagnosis of social anxiety disorder. Even more people experience extreme shyness and mild to moderate social anxiety that is not diagnosable but cause problems in their lives. Regardless of what the exact numbers are, the data shows that you are not alone with social anxiety.

What Social Anxiety Is and Isn’t

Social anxiety is a mental health problem. Its core feature is a fear of judgment and humiliation accompanied by negative thoughts, uncomfortable bodily sensations, and avoidance behaviors. Many similar personality traits and behaviors may be confused with social anxiety, such as shyness, introversion, and performance anxiety. And some disorders have a lot of overlap, such as avoidant personality disorder. In this section, I outline the differences and similarities between social anxiety and various personality traits and disorders.

Social anxiety exists on a spectrum, as shown in Figure 2-1. Regardless of where you fall, from shy to socially anxious to avoidant personality, there are coping strategies that can help you.

FIGURE 2-1: The social anxiety spectrum.

Social anxiety versus shyness

Shyness and social anxiety are different, but many people confuse them or use the terms interchangeably. Shyness is a common personality trait and is highly regarded in some cultures. It involves feeling reserved or uncomfortable in social situations. If someone is shy, they can still motivate themselves to do things involving other people. Social anxiety, on the other hand, involves more intense feelings of fear and greater avoidance of social situations.

Shyness and social anxiety share characteristics such as negative feelings about oneself, worries about how others view you, and fear of judgment or embarrassment. And everyone, even people who are not shy or socially anxious, can also have these concerns at times. Many shy people are slow to warm up and not overly anxious in social situations. Remember that shyness is not a mental health disorder. Some of the main differences between shyness and social anxiety are whether you have intense fear and anxiety, how these feelings impair your functioning, and how much you avoid situations because of them.

Although most people with social anxiety experience symptoms of shyness, being shy does not mean you have social anxiety. This may be surprising. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), only about 12 percent of people who report being shy also meet the diagnostic criteria for social anxiety disorder. (See “Diagnosing Social Anxiety Disorders” later in this chapter for more about the criteria used to diagnose social anxiety.) This breaks the myth that social anxiety and shyness are the same thing.

Social anxiety versus introversion

Introversion and social anxiety are often confused. Introversion is a personality style that pertains to where you get your energy. Many introverts are social but need time alone to recharge. Individuals with social anxiety often prefer to spend time with others but experience intense fear in various social situations.

Often, people are surprised when they find out that someone who appears outgoing is actually an introvert. Many introverts can be quite social until they run out of gas. On the other hand, many extroverts with social anxiety may prefer to spend their time with others but are too fearful to do so.

If you remember that social anxiety started as a means of survival, then someone who is extroverted and has a strong preference for being with other people may be excessively concerned about fitting in and trying very hard to not get kicked out of the tribe.

Table 2-1 lists the differences between shyness, introversion, and social anxiety. Note that shyness is a behavioral style and involves being slow to warm up. Introversion is a normal personality trait and does not include features of social anxiety. In contrast, social anxiety is a mental health concern with negative thoughts and avoidance patterns.

TABLE 2-1 Common Traits of Shyness, Introversion, and Social Anxiety

Shyness

Introversion

Social Anxiety

Timid behavioral style

Normal personality trait

Mental health issue

Slow to warm up in social situations

Low stress in social situations

High stress in social situations

A reaction to new people or places

Recharges by being alone

Uses avoidance to deal with anxiety

Feels uncomfortable or awkward around new people

Comfortable with new people

Fears judgment and humiliation

Social anxiety versus performance anxiety

Performance anxiety