The Marriage Garden E-Book

H. Wallace Goddard

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 248

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

Practical steps for making marriage last a lifetime

• Two noted relationship experts Wally Goddard and James Marshall offer down-to-earth advice for any couple who wants to strengthen their marriage and make it last a lifetime. In this important book the authors outline their six-step program-commit, grow, nurture, understand, solve, and serve-that has proven to be effective. Using a bountiful garden as a metaphor for a healthy marriage, the book encourages couples to invest time in growing their relationship, shine the light of encouragement on each other, deal with "bugs" and "thorns," and share time and resources to make the whole world blossom.
• Shows how to turn differences into blessings and transform difficult times into rewarding experiences
• Authors are part of the National Extension Marriage and Education Network

An honest and accurate look at relationships that offers couples a solid foundation for nurturing and growing their love.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

A Note from the Authors

Introduction

The Marriage Garden

Remember the Guiding Principles

Chapter 1 - Commitment The Choice to Pledge Your Best Efforts

Cultivating Your Garden

What Is the Marriage Garden?

Why Should We Cultivate Our Marriages Garden?

How Can We Cultivate Commitment?

Chapter 2 - Grow It Takes Vibrant People to Create Vibrant Relationships

Improving Our Well-Being

Savoring

Moving from Savoring to Flow

Serving

Chapter 3 - Nurture Do the Work of Loving

Growing into Marriage

Sending Messages of Love

How to Use You Own Language of Love

Gardens and Relationships Both Need Care

Analyzing the Relationship

Chapter 4 - Understand Cultivate Compassion for Your Partner

Getting to Know Your Spouse

Listening and Responding Effectively to Your Spouse

Seeing the World Through Your Partner’s Eyes

Expressing Acceptance and Forgiveness

Chapter 5 - Solve Turn Differences into Blessings

There’s No Such Thing as a Weed-Free Garden

Solving the Right Problem

Weed Eaters Are Not for Marriages Gardens

Creative Problem. solving

Ideas for Hand Weeding

Not All Differences in Marriage Can (or, Need to) Be Weeked Out

Some Differences Are Blessings

Chapter 6 - Serve Give Back to Your Community

Serving Each Other

Serving the Community

Chapter 7 - Gardening, Harvesting, and Planning for the Future

An Overview of the Garden

Putting the Pieces Together

The Law of the Harvest: What We Plant Is What We Gather

Resources to Strengthen Your Marriage

References

Recommended Resources

About the Authors

Index

More Praise forThe Marriage Garden

“A must-have guide for all spouses and anyone who counsels with them. Practical, specific, and wonderfully comprehensive.”

—Bob Drewes, former general officer and leader of a Fortune 500 business

“The Marriage Garden is a delightful book for those looking for tips and advice on how to feed the positives, weed out the negatives, and grow a healthy, flourishing lifelong marriage.”

—Melanie Reese, coordinator, Utah Healthy Marriage Initiative

“I wish this book were longer so that I could continue to feel the joy that each page of the book gave me. I want to shout to each passing couple, ‘You have to read this book. It holds the keys to your happiness and joy.’ The content is so simple, so profound. There has never been a lovelier garden.”

—Dr. George D. Durrant, author, educator, and husband

‘A marriage gold mine for those who really want the best for their marriages.”

—Dr. John M. R. Covey, director of curriculum development, Marriage, Home and Family, FranklinCovey Co.

”Most books on marriage today are confusing and theoretical. The clear, practical, and remarkable revelations on cultivating The Marriage Garden presented in this concise work should be read, savored, and implemented by all adults wanting more out of their relationships. Whether you are approaching marriage or celebrating your fiftieth anniversary, you will find keys to enriching your marriage within the pages of this book!“

—Steven A. Komadina, MD, FACOG; past president, the New Mexico State Medical Society; and two-term New Mexico State Senator

”The Marriage Garden is a masterful combination of wisdom, research, and practical examples that can help the reader avoid many marital pitfalls. Its conversational style and engaging questions make it easy to focus on its primary message: in marriage, as with gardening, you reap what you sow”

—David Hanna, principal, The RBL Group

”The Marriage Garden is a great resource for helping us tend to our most important relationships: our marriages. The garden is a perfect metaphor. In a challenging world, this book teaches principles that save relationships.”

—Chad Lewis, former NFL football player; author,Surround Yourself with Greatness; and father of seven

”The Marriage Garden contains great relationship information in an easy-to-understand format. This book would greatly benefit any relationship, especially those stressed by pressure-filled careers.”

—Kurt Haws, former NFL football player

”The book is both user-friendly and professionally sound. Whether your desire is to enhance an already strong relationship or to restore one that seems to have fractured, this book gives starting points for every marriage.”

—Terrance D. Olson, PhD; family life educator; and former director, World Family Policy Forum

Copyright © 2010 by the University of Arkansas, Division of Agriculture; H. Wallace Goddard; James P Marshall. All rights reserved.

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Illustrations by Bruce Dupree

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Goddard, H. Wallace.

The marriage garden : cultivating your relationship so it grows and flourishes /H. Wallace Goddard, James P. Marshall.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN : 978-0-470-58884-0

1. Marriage. I. Marshall, James P, date. II. Title.

HQ734.G586 2010

646.7’8—dc22

2009050430

PB Printing

FOR MY BELOVED NANCY —WG FOR KATHIE—— THANKS FOR BEING A WONDERFUL GARDENING PARTNER. I LOVE YOU DEARLY. —JM

Acknowledgments

We are grateful to the team of amazing people with whom we work at the University of Arkansas Division of Agriculture Cooperative Extension Service. Traci Johnston, Sherry Jones, Katy Randall, Lindsey Smith, and Jennie Hubbard were a part of the team when we started the Marriage Garden project. Since then we have benefited from the work and insight of Melissa Potter, Chris Hughes, Katie Baney, and Rebecca Simon. We thank Lynn Russell and Anne Sortor, our two administrators, who encouraged us along the way. All these good people have contributed immensely to our efforts.

Thanks to the hard-working Jossey-Bass people who contributed so much to this book, including Alan Rinzler, Nana Twumasi, Carol Hartland, Jennifer Wenzel, and Donna Cohn.

We offer special thanks to our artist and friend, Bruce Dupree, who made the garden so inviting with his lush illustrations.

We are also grateful to the good friends and family members who have shared their stories and insights. Life experience is the best source of discovery and learning, and many people have generously shared their experiences with us.

We thank the University of Arkansas Division of Agriculture Cooperative Extension Service. Extension Service is built on a great idea—that the best discoveries of research should be made available to all Americans so that they can live better lives. We are glad to be part of a system with such a noble mission.

We thank the excellent scholars who have built the field of relationship strengthening from a marginal and speculative field to a first-class research enterprise.

We thank our spouses and families. They patiently forgive us and lovingly encourage us as our actions labor to catch up to our knowledge.

We thank you, the reader, for your interest in building and supporting strong relationships. We hope that more and more people will learn and use those principles that can make for vibrant relationships.

A Note from the Authors

The Marriage Garden is based on the Marriage Garden curriculum that was created by H. Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall of the University of Arkansas Division of Agriculture Cooperative Extension Service.

As you read The Marriage Garden, you will hear the voices of both authors speaking to you in the first person as well as blending together at times. Each of us was the primary author on certain chapters and a contributing author on the others. In those chapters where we are the primary author, we use the first names of our wives, children, siblings, parents, families, and friends from time to time. They are an integral part of our gardening team. You will hear Wally speak fondly of the goodness in his dear wife, Nancy. You will hear James speak often of the compassion and creativity of his dear wife, Kathie. Both of us will also be making reference to our parents and children, family and friends, couples we’ve worked with, and other folks we know and care about.

We look forward to meeting you in the Marriage Garden. And we would love to have you share your stories as you apply the principles of commitment, growth, nurturing, understanding, problem solving, and serving with us at [email protected].

Introduction

Welcome to the Marriage Garden!

The University of Arkansas sponsors a botanical garden not far from our home. It is breathtaking! Under the protection of a forest canopy, Nancy and I meander along the winding paths, enjoying a profusion of colors. The giant trees shelter the 210-acre peninsula and the magical paths on Lake Hamilton from the world. The Japanese maples soften the landscape. Streams and ponds invite quiet reflection. Magnificent blooms inspire awe.

Each season shares unique riches with visitors. Winter offers its camellias; spring its daffodils, azaleas, and dogwoods. Summer is enriched with wildflowers and roses. In the fall, the garden catches fire with vibrant leaf colors. It’s hard to imagine that the Garden of Eden was any lovelier than Garvan Woodland Gardens.

As Nancy and I sat on a bench overlooking the verdant gardens during a recent visit, the beauty all seemed so natural and effortless. Nature smiled. We surrendered to peace. At such times there is no hint of the army of trained specialists who care for the gardens. Hundreds of people invest thousands of hours every month to make the garden Edenic. They watch for pests, spray for blights, plant bulbs, prune branches, and fertilize steadily. An army of trained professionals makes the garden look perfectly natural. Yet we blissfully enjoy peace, quite heedless of the efforts that make our serenity possible.

The Marriage Garden

There’s a good reason we compare marriage to a garden. A good marriage is as lush, rich, and satisfying as a great garden. But neither the good marriage nor the great garden happens without wise and consistent effort. Marriage, like a garden, can be renewing and life sustaining. Yet neither will happen by accident.

There are many things that amateur gardeners do that are ineffective or even counterproductive. For example, the popular practice of smearing black sealer on a pruning wound is a bad idea. It inhibits the tree’s own healing process and may even provide a place for disease to grow. Still, the practice persists. Many people feel compelled to cover any tree wound with some chemical bandage.

There are many popular marital remedies that are similarly ineffective or even counterproductive. For example, many people believe that the key to marital success is the sharing of discontents in ways that are fair. The assumption is that we must let our partners know what changes are needed if we are ever to have the relationships we want. This practice not only fails to enrich a relationship, but it regularly creates a spiral of fault-finding that can doom a relationship.

Common sense is not always good sense. That is why it has required decades of intensive research on marriage to provide the key to building strong relationships. Research shows us where common sense is nonsense. We want to do the things that strengthen our relationships rather than destroy them. Doing the wrong things with good intentions is still likely to have harmful consequences.

This book is focused on six processes that research has shown to make marriages flourish. Each chapter considers one of those processes and shows how you can make your marriage blossom like a magnificent rose by applying that chapter’s process in your romantic relationship. It may surprise you to find that when you do the right things, you can actually have a better marriage—with less effort than needed to do the usual things that you thought would help.

That doesn’t mean that a good marriage happens without effort. It only means that we sometimes invest herculean efforts in doing the wrong things. We want to help you do the right things. And before we even begin to talk about those six key processes, we want to share some basic rules for gardeners. These principles are somewhat like the rules that Garvan Gardens would give you before making a tour of the gardens. They might ask you to avoid pulling up any flowers, stomping off the designated paths, or littering.

We want to provide you with six tips that will make your trip through The Marriage Garden safer and more enjoyable. These six guiding principles are worth remembering every time you think about your relationship. These principles will prepare you to enter The Marriage Garden and learn the processes to cultivate a vibrant, flourishing garden.

Remember the Guiding Principles

See the Good

Our lives and relationships are packed with a mixture of complaints, joys, disappointments, and satisfactions. There are bruised sensibilities and battles about toilet seats, facial hair, body odors, and noises. There are also times of fun, laughter, closeness, and joy. Both negative and positive experiences are entirely natural.

Because of the mixture of good and bad, it is quite natural to think that we must be continuously pulling weeds from our partners’ souls. If we fail to be vigilant, the weeds may take over! Yet the master gardeners we know tell us that the best way to deal with weeds is to grow healthy, desirable plants to shut out the weeds. The same is true in marriage.

According to research, the key to healthy relationships is not the constant attention to weeds and pesky behavior. We may think that we’ll build a better relationship by dealing with our discontents. But this keeps the focus on the problems. When we focus on our discontents, we are likely to get stuck in them. And, after pulling the weeds, we’re still likely to have bare earth—that is, even if we could get our partners to stop doing the things that annoy us, we would have partners who are dispirited and discouraged. They will have stopped being themselves.

The surest way to make progress toward building a vibrant marriage is to plant strong and healthy plants. Let them crowd out the annoyances—if not in reality then at least in our minds. Notice what you’ve done that has been satisfying and enjoyable. Focus on the good in your marriage!

Let me give you an example. Nancy and I (Wally) had not been married very long when I noticed that she sometimes left things on the kitchen counters. She seemed like a decent human being, yet she would leave ajar of peanut butter sitting out. I wondered what was wrong with her. Early in our relationship, I tried telling Nancy things like, “Honey, I really appreciate a tidy kitchen. Do you mind putting away the peanut butter after you use it?” In spite of my perfectly reasonable request, Nancy seemed to feel hurt. She put away the peanut butter, but her spirits seemed to sag. And a few days later, peanut butter would again be left on the counter.

Finally—years later—I realized that it didn’t bother Nancy to have a few items left on the counter. It bothered me for some reason. (Am I a perfectionist? Did I learn some arbitrary family rules in my childhood?) So I learned a priceless lesson: If the peanut butter bothered me, I could put it away.

Please don’t misunderstand me. We can make requests and express preferences to our partners. But if they know about our preferences and still don’t act on that knowledge, then we can take responsibility. We don’t need to dwell on the weeds when we can plant a vibrant plant in its place. I can, for example, thank Nancy for the peanut butter fudge she makes for me. And I can put away the peanut butter myself.

When we are mindful and thankful for all the good things our partners do, they are happier, we are more peaceful, and the relationship flourishes. So don’t dwell on irritations. Instead, think about and talk about all the good things that are a part of your relationship.

Reflection

This idea is likely to be more helpful to you if you take a few minutes to reflect on these questions:

• What does your partner do that brightens your life?

• When you run into irritations, what can you do to minimize or remove them?

Notice Your Feelings

Some thoughts and experiences help us feel more peaceful and happy. Others make us more tense and angry. Feelings provide us vital clues.

If we dwell on the thoughts and feelings that make us angry, we are likely to get angrier. It’s a predictable path. Something bothers us. We try to understand it. We look for related experiences. Pretty soon we conclude that our partners are messed up. We will probably feel an urge to lecture them or avoid them.

In contrast, if we privilege our positive feelings—if we dwell on them and trust them—we are likely to get happier. Positivity snowballs. We feel grateful for our partners, we act more kindly, and the relationship grows. We find ever more positives.

Every day that we are together with our spouses we have plenty of opportunities to feel positively or negatively toward them. Every day they will do things that could annoy us. Every day they will do things that could please us. We can choose which ones to honor with our attention, reflection, and comments.

You can see how much this is like gardening. If we want some weeds to die, we can cut them off from light and water. If we want flowers to grow, we can be sure that they get our attention. When they begin to wilt, we can be angry at them. We can wish we had never bought them. Or we can water them.

One of the clearest findings of research on marriage is that partnerships grow when we focus on the positive.

We have friends who have only been married a few months. They come from very different backgrounds. He comes from an easygoing family in a small town. She comes from an intense family and works in the fashion industry. If you’re pretty perceptive, you can anticipate what challenges they are facing. He doesn’t worry much about appearances and acts in ways that annoy his wife. She pesters him about it, but she might as well be asking a rose bush to grow rutabagas as to ask her husband to be as style-conscious as she is. It just doesn’t matter to him. So she spends a fair amount of time being annoyed and he keeps wondering why his wife is upset. She is especially likely to get upset with her husband when she feels tired, stressed, or sick.

Our prediction is that there will be a lot of hurt feelings through the first years of marriage. Eventually she may realize that her husband’s easygoing ways are a perfect complement to her intensity and perfectionism. They are an invitation for her to relax. As the years go by, he may become more aware of ways he can adjust to please his wife. Because they are both good people, we predict that they will develop a strong marriage.

But if they dwell on the irritations, they will become more and more unhappy. They may divorce. Or they may stay together and be miserable. Yet, if they decide to look for the good and dwell on it, their marriage will get better and better.

Reflection

Take a few minutes to respond to these questions:

• Think of a time when you were tempted to be irritated with your spouse and you chose to see the good instead. Maybe you realize that this is a choice. Are you prepared to see the good next time something goes wrong?

• Feelings are the result of our thoughts. What thoughts help you to have positive feelings toward your spouse and your marriage?

Speak from Peace

The things we say when we are upset may feel powerful and authentic. Suddenly it seems so perfectly clear that our spouses are self-centered cads! So we tell them off and figure that they ought to be grateful that we are so perceptive and honest. We will fix their pocked souls. We may feel quite noble as we fuss with our spouses’ characters.

The trouble is that most spouses don’t want to be fixed; they want to be loved. As we start to diagnose partner maladies and prescribe wise solutions, our spouses are glad to tell us where we are mistaken. They know that some of our characterizations are simply flawed. And they probably have some ideas about what is wrong in our souls—which they are glad to share with us. Pretty soon we have angry partners clubbing each other with partial truths.

It turns out that anger can make fools of the best of us. Instead of seeing the big picture with personal struggles and imperfections mixed with life events, anger focuses us on a specific assault on our view of right and wrong. We ignore mountains of truth to focus on a tiny problem.

That’s why angry discussions are usually not very productive. When we’re feeling angry, disappointed, hurt, and resentful, we are likely to say and do things that aren’t fair and that hurt the relationship.

We all get upset. We all say destructive things. But we don’t have to make fools of ourselves. We can calm ourselves down. This can be a difficult task. Sometimes we feel that we absolutely must say what is on our minds. But we can have just enough presence of mind to say to ourselves, “I’m sure there is a good reason they acted that way.” As we set aside our accusations and start to take our partners’ points of view, a hint of peace can sneak into our souls. By breathing deeply and thinking peaceful thoughts, we prepare ourselves to share in a helpful way.

Sometimes it’s wise to say, “Right now I am upset. I would like to take some time to think about my feelings so I can express myself in a way that is fair to you.” Or maybe you say, “Give me some room. I’m not ready to talk.” Once we have claimed some time, it is vital to use it not to amass evidence of our spouses’ guilt but to regain our bearings on life. For example, puttering around in the backyard pulling a few weeds or enjoying the sounds of the neighborhood can help us settle down.

The wisdom of this course is easy to demonstrate. You have almost surely had someone very mad at you some time in your life. Maybe it was your spouse or a parent or a boss or a neighbor. When that person was chewing you out, did you reflect quietly, “Ahh. Good point. I really would like to do better at that”? I bet you didn’t. I bet you felt insulted and angry and mentally prepared your own counterattack. Lecturing people doesn’t make them wiser, it just makes them mad. And it damages relationships.

Instead of attacking and destroying our partners with angry accusations, we can speak from peace and thus bring our different perspectives together to build a stronger relationship.

Reflection

Take a few minutes to respond to these questions:

• What helps you calm down when you are upset?

• Do you see irritation coming? What can you do to see your partner’s point of view rather than let irritation separate you?

Weed Your Own Garden

A gardener planted a tree along the edge of his property. He nurtured it and cherished it. But his next-door neighbor disliked the tree. It did not interfere with his home, his view, or his driveway. He just didn’t like the tree. As branches grew over his property, he complained to the neighbor about the tree. The gardener was amazed. He loved the tree. The two simply could not agree on the tree. One evening the tree hater got out his ladder and a pruning saw and cut off all the branches that overhung his property. The stark, half-stripped tree stood as a monument to a neighbor’s inability to make small allowances for someone else’s preferences.

In many ways, this real story provides a fitting metaphor for marriage. Every couple has differences. And some of those differences bother us. You might argue that branches hanging into your life are an intrusion into your space.

You’re right. But the big problem is not those branches. It is the irritation. If I am the tree-resenting neighbor, I stop noticing the flowers I planted and the shrubs that are blooming. All I think about is that darned tree and its intrusion into my life. If I invested as much energy into caring for my own yard as I did in resenting the bothersome tree, my yard would likely flourish.

You can see how this applies to the regular irritations of marriage. There are trees growing in our spouses’ soul that bother us. Maybe my spouse is untidy. Maybe she wears funny shoes. Maybe she uses too much ketchup or talks with her mouth full. There is sure to be something. In every relationship, there are plenty of reasons to be bothered.

We like the way Irving Becker described the human dilemma: “If you don’t like someone, the way he holds his spoon will make you furious; if you do like him, he can turn his plate over into your lap and you won’t mind.”

We can choose to be irritated with our spouses. Or we can choose to busily care for our own flowerbeds.

We can spend a lot of time trying to prune our partners’ ways or we can invest our energy in making our yards flourish. We can cultivate patience, plant kindness, nurture compassion.

Reflection

Take a few minutes to respond to these questions:

• Can you think of a time when you were tempted to find fault with your partner but chose instead to “weed your own garden”—in other words, find ways to be a better partner yourself? How did that choice change your mood and relationship?

• Irritation is the common seedbed for criticism. What helps you manage or reduce irritation?

Manage Expectations

Early in the relationship, romantic feelings may set our expectations. We assume that a healthy relationship will always be filled with laughter, surprise, and passion. When those feelings diminish (as they always do) or are eclipsed by irritation, we start to wonder if we made a bad choice. Maybe this relationship just doesn’t have the magic.

The reality is that romance gets us together but cannot keep us together. Within a couple of years in a relationship, it becomes clear that our partners have significant flaws and that those flaws are not going away—even with our persistent prodding. This can be very disenchanting. We can increase our demands for change in our partners. We can put our energy into other areas of our lives. Or we can manage our expectations.

When we increase demands for partner change, we are likely to elicit a counteroffensive. Our partners are generally quite glad to show us that all the relationship problems are due to our selfishness and unreasonable demands. Conflict escalates.

When we give up on our marriages and put our energy into other areas of our lives, our marriages become dead shells. They are like the skin left behind by a molting garden snake when it sheds its skin. They have the form of a marriage but no life.

There is a third alternative. We can manage our expectations. We can help them mature from romance to companionship—which is a much more stable place. It may have fewer fireworks but has more satisfaction. In fact, research shows that we must build companionship if we want our relationship to outlast the romantic phase.

Marriage follows the law of the harvest, which states that only patient, wise effort over time will result in a good crop. You cannot pick juicy, ripe tomatoes a week after planting a seedling. You cannot grow a strong marriage in even a month of earnest effort. It takes time. But that patient effort over time can result in an incredible harvest.