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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Sprache: Englisch
It's time to create a future where feminine power and leadership is celebrated. It’s time for a radical awakening and a revolution. It’s time for women to rise.
In Women Rising, you'll discover how to recognise and resist the very real forces of power that limit how you work and live as a woman. Are you tired of being asked to 'lean in,' fit in, perform and conform? The truth is that women today continue to be constrained by pervasive ideas about how we ‘should’ act and behave.
To break free, we need to understand the forces that limit our potential. Those forces are external and internal, without and within, and they sabotage the very success we work so hard for. In Women Rising, author and award-winning empowerment expert Megan Dalla-Camina shows you how to see and cut the invisible strings holding you back.
Women Rising unveils the 6 external paradoxes that impact how women lead and succeed. You'll uncover how these power paradoxes affect our visibility, empowerment, confidence, success, motherhood and leadership.
Turning inward, you’ll discover how our internal narratives, the stories we tell ourselves, can also serve to keep us stuck. Women Rising unmasks 13 archetypes that keep us striving for impossible standards as a Perfectionist, an Overachiever, a Good Girl, a People Pleaser and more.
Finally, Women Rising illuminates the path forward. It shares real, practical tools and strategies that women everywhere can use to craft a future where we succeed on our own terms. Grounded in leadership experience from the world's largest organisations, Megan Dalla-Camina's hands-on toolkit shows you how to find your vision and purpose — and evolve as a confident, authentic leader.
It's time to rise and to step into your power. This guide will show you how.
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Seitenzahl: 463
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Table of Contents
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
Waking up
The uprising
The reclamation
How to use this book
PART ONE: The forces that hold us back
It's not just you
The paradoxes of power
The Empowerment Paradox
The Confidence Paradox
The Motherhood Paradox
The Success Paradox
The Leadership Paradox
The Visibility Paradox
What about the men?
PART TWO: The stories that keep us stuck
The inner patriarch: Shoulds, musts and have-tos
That voice inside your head: The inner critic
The power of archetypes
The thirteen archetypes of the inner critic
The Perfectionist
The Beauty Queen
The Sceptic
The Imposter
The People Pleaser
The Outsider
The Comparer
The Good Girl
The Overachiever
The Self-Doubter
The Chameleon
The Empath
The Ideal Mother
PART THREE: The tools to help us rise
From inner critic to inner wisdom
A vision for your life
The path of purpose
Cultivating conscious confidence
Your career evolution
Being an authentic leader
Creating intentional wellbeing
Epilogue: Sovereign Women Rising
Acknowledgements
About the author
Connect with Megan
Free book resources for women
Women Rising Digital Journal
Women Rising Circle Guide
Women's Empowerment Resources
Exclusive resources for corporate buyers
Women Rising Circle Guide
Male Allies Discussion Guide
Conversation Facilitation Guide
Digital Self-Coaching Journal
End User License Agreement
List of Illustrations
Chapter 31
Figure 1: The career mastery curve
Guide
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
How to use this book
Table of Contents
Begin Reading
Epilogue: Sovereign Women Rising
Acknowledgements
About the author
Free book resources for women
Exclusive resources for corporate buyers
End User License Agreement
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‘A life-changing book that lifts the lid on how to create transformative change within ourselves, and the world of work.’
Tracey Spicer AM, Walkley award-winning journalist, author and social justice advocate
‘Megan’s approach is practical and curiosity-led, which is so important when bewilderingly, a staggering number of questions remain unanswered. Gender pay gaps, glass ceilings, sticky floors, inclusive workplaces, the ‘double shift’ that women work at home – all these and more are thoughtfully and articulately covered by Megan in this book. The opportunity cost of this is immense. On the flip side, it is a phenomenal opportunity to be a change maker. Stay curious and furious about this, both in your own journeys and in holding up the ladder for others to rise – achieving true equality globally depends on it.'
Sally Coldrick, Managing Director, Accenture
‘Women Rising is a dive-right-in, accessible toolkit for women wondering why they always seem stuck between a rock and a hard place at work. Exploring the paradoxes, cop-outs and impossible archetypes that limit women's economic participation, Megan Dalla-Camina plots a path to self-compassion against systemic gendered oppression. While Women Rising offers practical solutions for women seeking to nurture their potential, it's also an opportunity for those already in leadership positions to understand their complicity in women's disenfranchisement from power. For every high-performing woman and every woman wondering why her performance has stalled, Women Rising should be surreptitiously left in every workplace lunchroom and slid across every boss's desk.’
Sommer Tothill, Gender Equality Writer and Influencer
‘While we’ve come a long way over the past decade in advancing gender equality, we all agree there is more to do in our families, institutions and our society for everyone to see and take the opportunities to reach their full potential. All leaders committed to equality should be both buoyed by the progress and remain diligent in our efforts to design in equality from the outset, not bolt it on; to challenge outdated societal gender norms; shift the systems that perpetuate inequality and foster the truly inclusive workplaces where everyone can thrive. Women Rising shines a spotlight on many of the persistent issues and provides practical tools and infectious encouragement for all of us.'
Annika Freyer, CEO, Champions of Change Coalition
‘This book is a must-read for all women and those who support women. Megan breaks down complex concepts about patriarchy, power, leadership, and equality into captivating, easy-to-understand, and relatable shares. You will come away inspired to make a difference.’
Jennifer Drummond, World Record Holder, bestselling author, speaker, and host of the Seek Your Summit podcast.
‘Women Rising provides the most honest and profound description of the complexities of being a working woman. Every woman who reads this book will relate to the brilliant articulation of the paradoxes of power and archetypes of the inner critic. Every man will gain a much better understanding of something they have never really had to consider. Relief comes at the end of the book as it provides logical and practical solutions. This book is a must for people of all genders wanting to better understand the realities of working women and being part of the solution.’
Marie Festa, Former CEO, Chief Executive Women (CEW)
‘Women Rising’s encouraging and practical approach to women's progression and leadership reminds us that we all have a role to play embedding equality in our workplaces and society. Listening, learning and taking action together is delivering lasting change. Questioning outdated norms and challenging systems is not easy but it's definitely not a zero-sum game. We all stand to benefit, so let's make sure we seize the opportunities to maintain the momentum.'
Janet Menzies, Board Director, Champions of Change Coalition
‘Whenever I get stuck in societal paradoxes or my own stories, for over a decade now it has been Megan’s work has inspired & encouraged me to move forward with clarity and purpose, and to create a life that I truly want to live. Megan's vision of women confidently stepping into their power and becoming women unto themselves shines through every page of Women Rising. Megan masterfully combines personal anecdotes, practical advice, and thorough research to create a playbook for women seeking to rise.'
Dayle Stevens, Medal of the Order of Australia (OAM)
‘Women Rising is a powerful and transformative book that unveils the crushing weight of societal expectations and the relentless pressures of patriarchy. Through compelling storytelling and actionable strategies, Megan offers profound insights and essential tools to inspire, drive meaningful change and navigate the complexities of modern womanhood. I feel seen, understood and hopeful for the change I know this book will create in the lives of women.’
Joanne Hayes, Executive General Manager, Major Bank
‘Megan is a change-maker who understands the power of the soul to evoke change and this book allows you to tap in and amplify your inner power to live a life you truly deserve.’
Tory Archbold, CEO of Powerful Steps
First published 2024 by John Wiley & Sons Australia, Ltd
© Megan Dalla-Camina Pty Ltd 2024
All rights reserved, including rights for text and data mining and training of artificial intelligence technologies or similar technologies. Except as permitted under the Australian Copyright Act 1968 (for example, a fair dealing for the purposes of study, research, criticism or review) no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise. Advice on how to obtain permission to reuse material from this title is available at http://www.wiley.com/go/permissions.
The right of Megan Dalla-Camina to be identified as the author of Women Rising has been asserted in accordance with law.
ISBN: 978-1-394-24861-2
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Cover image: © Archlane/Adobe StockCover design by Alissa DinalloCover author photo: © Nick Leary
For the women.
Introduction
Waking up
I was attending one of the first women's leadership events I had been to as a new IBM executive. It was interesting listening to business presentations and leadership discussions from women older and more experienced than me — I was thirty-four at the time. At the dinner on the first night, a prominent business magazine editor was presenting the latest Power 100 list to the room filled almost exclusively with female business leaders.
As he started talking, it became clear who was on the list — or the type of person — white and male seemed to be the defining characteristics. The other thing that was clear was that the definition of power was very narrow: it was solely about money — how rich they were, or how much money their company generated. And I can't remember exactly how many women were on the list, but it was less than a handful, if that many.
The topics of women in leadership, gender diversity and power were new to me at the time. I had only recently realised that being in rooms and companies dominated by men was not the ideal. I had grown up around boys. Most of my friends as a teenager were the boys in the band I sang in; in high school my class group was five girls and twenty-two boys for the five years of senior school; and every job I had for the first twelve years of my working life was dominated by men, including my corporate roles at GE and PwC. I thought this was just the way it was, and so I never expected anything different.
But even two decades ago at this dinner, listening to this man speak, in all of my naivety at the time, I knew something was off. Where were the women? Surely power was about more than money?
I remember standing up to nervously ask a question to this intimidating editor: ‘What is the definition of power used to compile this list? And, um, where are the women?’
As I looked around the room with everyone looking at me, this young woman innocently asking these big questions, I could see that the women were nodding, eyebrows raised, turning their attention back to the man being questioned. It seemed that I had hit on something.
He looked increasingly uncomfortable. He stammered and fumbled, clearly having never been asked these questions in any room, let alone one where he, maybe for the first time in his career, was one of a few men in a space dominated by women. I recall him saying something like, ‘maybe we need a women's power list …’ before he trailed off and other questions were raised.
And the discomfort grew. Mine did at least. These questions would start to permeate my brain, cycle through my energy and create a vortex of enquiry that would continue for the next twenty years — and lead me here to this moment, my purposeful work, this book.
These questions about women, power, leadership and equality would become ones that would burn holes in my psyche and heart as I tried to figure it out: what was power, who had it, what did it mean, how did it work?
And what about the women?
As I hit my stride in my IBM executive career and started to understand diversity, inclusion and gender nuances for the first time, the slow churn of trying to understand why women didn't seem to belong, why they were always fighting for their place, and why they seemed to be competing with, and trying to be like the men to fit in, unfolded within me and around me.
It would take another decade, and then the best part of another, before I would finally start to understand. And during this exploration, I ruminated on a word that I had never considered as another piece of the puzzle tried to find its place: patriarchy.
Power was easier to get my head around. I could read about it, study it, talk about it. Patriarchy was another thing entirely. I remember the first time I said the word in a corporate discussion about gender diversity. The room fell silent. People started shifting in their seats and avoiding eye contact with me. It was like no-one knew exactly what I was talking about, but they knew that it was a word that was meant to be unspoken.
And I knew I was onto something.
For almost two decades, first in my work as a corporate executive and then as a coach, writer, researcher and teacher in women's leadership, empowerment and wellbeing, I have been trying to understand the vast number of reasons why we still have a dearth of women in positions of power. After all of the efforts of the women's movements, marches, business practices, government policies, corporate targets, quotas, interventions, committees, research, books, and of course, all things lean in, why are we still here?
Still here with only 10.4% of women running Fortune 500 companies, and fewer than a third of UN nations having ever had a woman leader. At the current rate, achieving full gender equality could take close to 300 years.
Since those days at IBM, I've always had this lingering feeling that there has to be something more going on. There has to be something that no-one is talking about that pervades the consciousness and energy and mindsets of women, and the cultures of organisations and people in the hallways of power. Something that keeps us stuck in this space of inequality, that keeps women locked out.
What don't women know? What don't men talk about? I always wondered if it was just me who sensed that there is so much more going on here than what we talk about in HR reports and diversity councils and meetings amongst often well-meaning male CEOs trying to be champions for change. Am I the only one who missed the memo?
I don't think so. In fact, after having taught, coached and supported thousands of women, and worked with more than 650 organisations over the past decade, I know. The kind of knowing that is deep within your bones. I know that when you really listen to women's voices, you hear it. The inherent and pervasive bias that they deal with every day. The microaggressions, questioning their value and their place. And the impossible positions that women are placed in whilst being told they have everything they need to succeed.
Succeed how? Succeed like who? Success that looks like what exactly?
And herein the paradoxes begin. The questions start to unravel. There is so much more going on in the world of women, work, life and society than most women consider when they think about why their lives and careers don't feel that great; why they constantly feel pulled, judged, conflicted.
If we are being really honest with ourselves, there is a pervasive question that simmers under the surface of our lives: Am I really good enough?
And: Will I ever be?
And then this: Will I ever feel like I belong here?
In the everyday lives of women, even women like me whose purposeful work it is to help other women own their power, these questions are still like that green goop we used to play with as children. They are always slipping through your fingers, and you can't quite get your hands around the answers.
My life's work, and this book, is my effort to try. For me and for you. For the tens of thousands of women in my community. For the millions of women who are out there showing up and giving it their all every day at work and at home. For the allies, particularly male allies, who truly want to help create equality. This is my effort to make sense of it all and share what I've learnt, so that we, as women, are able to live and work with clarity, purpose and power.
And, to finally step out of the shadow of the patriarchy and stand in our own light.
The uprising
We've been waiting a long time. Waiting for the system to change. For leadership to change. For leaders to act on and embed the changes they have been speaking about for decades. We've been waiting for, not only a new conversation to come into the zeitgeist, but for that new narrative to actually create palpable change for women at work. And we've certainly been waiting to see the numbers and representation at the top of organisations change; to see more women in powerful positions; more Women of Colour; more of anybody who looks less like a white man. We love men. We just want to see fewer of them on boards and in rooms where decisions about our futures are being made without people who look like us contributing to those decisions.
Yes, we've been waiting. And whilst there has been some notable change in the boardrooms and political systems of the world, it's not nearly enough. And here's the point. We can't, as women, keep waiting for the system to change. We can't keep waiting for the systems and structures to become places where we can show up in a way that doesn't feel like we are squeezing ourselves into a place that was never designed for us.
We can't keep waiting for the world around us to change in order for us to have the permission and the agency to be who we want to be, work how we want to work, lead how we want to lead, and have the roles we want to have. To live lives of our own design and making. It's no longer just about the system out there. It has to be about the system inside of us. We have to unlock the narratives that keep us stuck in a system that does not work for us, but that we can't change because we are exhausted from running too fast on the treadmill of our lives, or because we think it's just us, or we're afraid to use our voice, or speak truth to power, or back ourselves in the lives we want to live and be the leaders we want to be.
When Sheryl Sandberg wrote Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead, she elevated and amplified the discussion on women and work. She brought that discussion into boardrooms and halls of power, as well as into the lives of everyday women like you and me just trying to get by with the juggle and struggle of our daily work and lives. She did what so many of us wanted to do: she changed the conversation.
But, it was only the start of the conversation. Lean In was about showing up in a broken system and taking our place at the table, with our elbows out and our voices raised. It was about having the right partner at home to help you be the boss at work. It was about fixing ourselves as women to fit into a patriarchal system that just does not work for the vast majority of working women. Lean In was a revelation for many and caused a revolution in the workplace for awareness and discussions about gender equality.
And yet, we are still here.
Still here with little shift in the numbers of representation at the top of organisations. Little shift in the gender pay gap, equity for Women of Colour, the double shift at home, the glass ceiling and the sticky floor, and so much more, when we thought that surely, by now, we would be so much further ahead. Surely, by now, we would have made so much more progress. Surely, by now, we would be able to stop having this conversation, not just about equality at work, but about our basic human rights.
Surely by now, we would be done.
And yet, here we are. Even with the best of intentions and great efforts from many CEOs, HR leaders, heads of diversity and inclusion, passionate male allies, best practices and a million paper cuts of seemingly helpful and good-willed processes and interventions, we are still here.
We will always keep fighting to change the system. To create more inclusive workplaces. To help create leaders who pride themselves on their humanity and care for others. That work will never stop. And we talk about a lot of it in this book.
But the more urgent conversation is about how we, as women, feel about ourselves, show up in our lives, and become the leaders we truly want to be regardless of the role or system we are in. It's not about fixing ourselves, it's about an awakening and a level of empowerment that literally shakes the ground we walk on.
In Tara Mohr's book Playing Big, she references a quote from one of her teachers that has always stayed with me: ‘Women are liberated, but not yet fully empowered.’
I feel that. I see it every day in the work that I live and breathe with women from every culture. Part of that empowerment comes from opportunity. And a large part of it comes from within us — from clarity, consciousness, confidence and conviction in who we are and what we are here for.
There are themes that have emerged from my vast body of research that tell a powerful story about women's lives: their thoughts, struggles, doubts, realities. And incredible insights of what happens when we, as women, take real time to pause, reflect, enquire, understand, converse, connect and do the work to get to the heart of the questions that direct every decision and choice that we make — whether we realise it or not.
Who am I? What do I want? What is that voice inside my head telling me what I can or can't do? What feels purposeful? Where do I find meaning? How do I build the confidence to not only know what I want for my life, but to take action to create it? What do I even want my career to look like in the first place? If I were being really honest with myself, and gave myself the space and time and permission to ask the questions, what would my answers be?
Our life unfolds in the direction of the questions that we ask. Perhaps we have been asking the wrong question all along. Perhaps the question isn't how workplaces change for women. Perhaps the question is how we, as women, become so empowered and clear and conscious and connected that workplaces have no choice but to evolve into an entirely new system that must elevate to meet the new consciousness that women create in the world.
It's time to build on the very foundation of every women's movement that has come before us. Now is the time for a new rising. It's important and urgent. It's not just about our work lives. It's about the very fabric of who we are, how we feel about ourselves as women, how we care for and what we role model to our families, and our very essence in the world.
Yes, it's about our careers. It's about our leadership. But it's even more than that. It's about our evolution. It's about our sovereignty and the women we want to be. It's about our very womanhood.
This is our time to own our power.
The time for this movement is now.
Welcome to the uprising.
The reclamation
As we start out on this path together, know that we are on a journey of reclamation: a journey to better understand the forces outside of us that hold us back, and then reclaim the power inside of us that is ours to own. To reclaim our sovereignty as women, to be a force unto ourselves, and to be the women and the leaders that we choose to be. That the world needs us to be.
This book, which is akin to a heroine's journey, is in three parts.
In Part One, we will dive deep into the forces that hold us back. We will shed light on a fundamental truth of women's lives that we often miss as we navigate the daily juggle: you are not alone on this path, and you don't have to figure it all out by yourself. As we shed light on the external barriers to our success, we illuminate not only the challenges, but the way forward, and it's much easier when we do it together. We will then examine the six paradoxes of power: the ways that patriarchal structures and biases shape women's careers and lives, and restrict the progress that we strive so hard to achieve. As we look at each paradox, and how it affects us as women, you will have the opportunity to reflect on how relevant this is for you, what you see in your own environment and the actions you can take to make progress.
In Part Two, we will turn our gaze inward to the stories that keep us stuck. We'll uncover how our inner patriarch and our inner critic limit us in seen and unseen ways. We will navigate the thirteen archetypes of the inner critic and you will get to know yourself, your limiting beliefs and your inner critic narrative, which is essential for you to be able to step into your true power as a woman. And you will gain strategies and reflections to play with to transform your inner critic into your inner ally.
Finally, in Part Three, we will move through the tools that help us rise. I've distilled six of the core teachings from the evidence-based and tested tools I teach that have supported tens of thousands of women from more than 100 countries. Here we will start to work with the strategies you can use to get clear on what you want for your life and work, build the confidence to go after it, become the authentic leader you are called to be, and have the intentional wellbeing to thrive with radiance and vibrant health.
How to use this book
This book and journey are yours to explore as you choose. One way to consider using this book is to read it from start to finish, so you can see how it all comes together, and then go back and do the reflections for the parts you feel called to. I envisage this book being both a guide and playbook, one that you will come back to again and again as your life, career and leadership journey evolve. This is what I find women doing in my programs, and I feel it's the same for this book.
Know that as you read the book and start to do the reflections, that there is no rush. My teaching, as well as my personal philosophy, is that small actions done with intention over time lead to radical results. Go slowly. Absorb the words. Consider what it means for you. Reflect on the questions. I encourage you to have a journal with you as you read, so you can write thoughts down as they come up, and use this journal for answering the reflection questions. Having your thoughts in one place will make for a powerful transformation on whatever depth you are ready for.
You can also use the reflection questions in this book as a discussion guide with your girlfriends, colleagues, women's groups in your workplace, learning circles, with male allies and mentors or, of course, a book club. Opening up discussion about the paradoxes, inner critic archetypes and tools for rising will deepen your own perspective and create ripples of positive change around you. You can also download a free digital journal and book discussion guide at megandallacamina.com/bookresources.
A note for male allies and leaders of all genders reading this book: a warm welcome to you. I work with hundreds of organisations globally and have supported thousands of men over the past decade to become more effective allies and scale their sponsorship of women. This book will support leaders and allies to better understand the lived experience of women, whether that be at work or at home, and give you insights, actions and reflections to deepen your own leadership and make an impact in your workplace and life. I hope you find it useful.
Everyone is welcome here, and it will take all of us to create a world and a world of work that is inclusive and where everyone feels like they belong. I passionately believe that when we create a better world for women, we create a better world for all of us, and this is my heartfelt wish and hope for this book. Enjoy the journey, and thank you for being here.
PART ONEThe forces that hold us back
Inside Part One
It’s not just you
The paradoxes of power
The Empowerment Paradox:
Be empowered, but in a system that disempowers you
The Confidence Paradox:
Be confident, but not too confident
The Motherhood Paradox:
Be a great mother, but work like you don’t have children
The Success Paradox:
Be successful, but in a sea of expectations
The Leadership Paradox:
Be a leader, but not like that
The Visibility Paradox:
Be visible, but don’t promote yourself
What about the men?
It's not just you
Imagine living in a world where your every word and action is filtered through an unseen system that subtly and consistently tells you you're not enough. This is the reality for millions of women in our society today.
In our journey towards women's leadership and personal empowerment, it's important to address a core concept that often triggers resistance and discomfort: patriarchy. While patriarchy has long been core to discussions about gender equality and women's rights, it can provoke strong reactions in people of all genders. So, before we dive in, let's clarify what patriarchy means, why it matters and why it's at the heart of our exploration.
In its simplest terms, patriarchy can be defined as a set of systems — society, government, organisations — that are set up by men, for men and the masculine to operate and succeed in. As detailed by Gerda Lerner in her landmark book The Creation of Patriarchy, back in 1986, it's a social system where men hold primary power and dominate the roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and, in the past, the control of property and even children. Historically, societies worldwide have been structured around this male dominance, with men often being the primary breadwinners, decision-makers and leaders. And these traditional roles created power imbalances that still persist today.
It's important to understand that using the term patriarchy doesn't place blame or accuse any individual of any gender of wrongdoing. Instead, it's a lens through which we can examine how, throughout history, cultural norms have shaped and continue to shape our world. By unpacking the patriarchy, it allows us to understand the dynamics that have influenced gender norms, roles and inequalities that still pervade our homes, society and workplaces.
It's also important to note that discussing patriarchy and power structures does not pit women against men. Core to my philosophy and mission is the belief that we must come together to create a gender-balanced and equitable world. And that dismantling norms that are harmful to women helps us to create equality for all.
As we focus on our goal of empowering women in leadership, at work and in our lives, understanding the patriarchy and the paradoxes of power that limit progress is key to achieving this. As we acknowledge and address the systems that perpetuate gender inequality, as we will do in Part One of this book, we can better equip ourselves with the insights and tools to overcome these barriers and thrive at work and in life. I hope this helps contextualise the journey ahead.
Unpacking the impact of the patriarchy
The patriarchal power structures that have been in effect for thousands of years have widespread influence on virtually all aspects of women's lives.
The industrialised world of work was designed under patriarchal rule. Men went to work, had wives at home to look after the children and take care of the household, and barely had to think of anything other than fitting the model of what a ‘successful worker’ looked like.
Fast-forward to the end of the industrial revolution and, although we have made much progress, the world of work is still lacking for those who don't fit that patriarchal model of success — insert women here and any other under-represented or marginalised people who don't fit that archetypal model.
As women, we have tried with all our might to prove we could succeed in the system — that we could fit in, keep up, power on. After all, we were told by the women's movements, by women that we respect and revere, that we could have it all. That we could do it all. That we could be as good as the men and do everything that they could do. That we could have a baby at home and be the boss at work and look fabulous doing it all.
And so fit in we did. Or at least we pretended we did, whilst desperately trying to manage the overburden of both paid work and unpaid care, what sociologist Arlie Hochschild famously called ‘the second shift’.
In the process, we shelved our own needs, wants and desires, hid the core parts of our authentic selves, and pushed through to the point of exhaustion and burnout.
And all the while, we were largely unaware of the landscape that we were living and working in. We didn't, and still largely don't, understand the power structures, success models and expectations that don't just not set us up for success, but are actually rigged to ensure our failure. That failure may not be outward. In fact, on the surface we may look like the hallmark of success. We may have the big job, the happy marriage, the perfect children or whatever ‘societal success’ looks like.
But when you speak to most women, certainly those working outside the home today, they will tell you a different story. I know this to be true because, over the past decade, I have coached, supported and listened to thousands of these women from dozens of cultures and countries share how they really feel.
And, again, whilst there has been progress, the inner workings of women's lives and their challenges with clarity, confidence, contentment, belonging, leadership, wellbeing and so much more are palpable. The struggle is real. And it's also largely unspoken until we start to ask the right questions, shine light on the answers and unpack the structures and systems that undermine our power and create the imbalances that affect our lives.
The pervasive passive patriarchy
The pervasive patriarchy is wired into every system, every structure and the mindsets that drive our behaviours and actions. It's passive because it's insidiously under the surface, like an invisible force that permeates the culture of the world we live in. You can rarely point to blatant examples of it when you look at your daily interactions, but when you know what you're looking for, you can see it everywhere.
It's so pervasive and so passive that most women don't realise that this is the water we are swimming in. Like the fish that doesn't know what water is. They can't see it or taste it. They are just in it.
It's the same with women until we awaken. This is just the world we live in. We don't question it. When something isn't working, when we have failed, when we don't get the job or when we don't feel like we belong, there is only one direction we look and one person to blame: ourselves.
We think that it's just us. That we are the reason why we haven't yet fulfilled our potential, climbed the ladder or gotten the coveted place in the leadership team. That we just haven't leaned in hard enough. We question ourselves and wonder what we could have done differently, how we could be better, when we might have gotten that powerful sponsor or how we could have been more of what was required.
And whilst it's essential that we work on the aspects that help us get into and stay in our own personal power — like clarity, confidence, mindset, resilience — it's critical that we first understand the external power that directs so much of our lives at work and at home. Because, when we do, when we truly start to see the fabric of the machinations that exist all around us, well, it all starts to make so much more sense.
It takes the focus from ‘there's something wrong with me’ as the reason why we feel like we don't fit, or we can't succeed, or we're always exhausted, or we feel like an imposter, to the startling realisation that we were never meant to fit in because the world of work was never designed with us in mind.
We will always be the outsiders until the entire system is rebuilt with us and people like us at the centre, not behind the looking glass peering in, trying desperately to find the place we belong.
When it comes to us as women finding our rightful place in society, in workplaces, as leaders in the boardrooms and halls of power, empowering ourselves is critical, but it's only part of the equation.
We must re-create the paradigm.
But first, we must understand how the current one works. We must understand the systems and structures that we work and live in, and both the visible and invisible barriers that keep women shut out.
The paradoxes of power
It took me a long time to understand the power and patriarchy of the systems in which we live as women. When I say a long time, I mean four decades. Not until I reached my early forties, after spending almost half of my life in the world's largest organisations and power structures built by and for men, was the veil slowly lifted and could I see glimpses of the orchestration of the world — and certainly the world of work — around me. A world orchestrated to set men up for success, and to set women up to never quite fit in.
It took me even longer to be able to wrap my head around the complexities of the systems that keep women small, stuck and socially compliant. And the paradoxes of power that gaslight women into thinking that it's all in our heads, that everything is our fault, that there's nothing wrong or that it's just us and we need to do better. That we have every opportunity available to us, the world is a meritocracy with an even playing field, and if we can't succeed, well then, that's on us.
The micro incidents and aggressions women face every day at work and in their lives that, when we are not aware of them, go unarticulated but are felt energetically. Being talked over and interrupted in a meeting. Being asked to take the notes or get the coffee. Questioned by male, and even female, subordinates like we haven't earnt the right to be there.
And the more blatant: questions about who takes care of the children when you're at work. Assumptions about your inability to travel or take on a leadership role because you're a new mum and you ‘won't be interested’ or ‘you're not available’ because certainly, ‘you're not serious about your career anymore’. Intersectional biases that Women of Colour deal with every single day, questioning their appropriateness, ability and competence.
For Asian and Indian women, the perceived importance of their role in the home competing with their aspirations at work. For Black and Latina women, being criticised for being too loud, too aggressive, too strong, just ‘too much’, and having to prove themselves over and over and fight for every small progression. And, of course, age bias that we see not just for older women, but at all ages of womanhood, impacting career opportunities at every turn, leaving us feeling that there really is no right age to be successful as a woman at work.
I could go on and on and on. We experience these things, but rarely talk about them. We internalise the slights and aggressions and add them to the layers of stories and beliefs we have about ourselves. That we're not smart enough, savvy enough, pretty enough, good enough. That we will never fit in. That if we were just better, if we just worked harder, then everything would be fine. We'd get the job. Speak up in the meeting. Have more confidence. Balance our lives. Be the leaders we know we can be.
But what I have come to learn over decades of my own journey, as well from my research, coaching and from witnessing thousands of women's journeys, is that it's much more complex than that. It's nuanced and layered and circular and hard to figure out. And for busy working women, there is barely space to breathe let alone make an enquiry into the powers and paradoxes that impact our lives every single day.
But we must create that space. Clarity is important. Context is critical. And claiming our power has never been more important in a world that continues to claw it back from us with every single opportunity it gets.
The paradoxes that challenge women's success
There is a complex tapestry of paradoxes that are woven into the fabric of women's professional and personal lives. Not only have many of them remained unresolved over the decades of women's movements and strides to create change for women at work, but most women are unaware that they exist at all. These paradoxes are deeply embedded by the patriarchy into women's consciousness, as another piece of the narrative that makes women question themselves and fight both inner and outer systems to the point of exhaustion.
Yet these paradoxes are the knots that tangle women's progress. They are contradictions that challenge women's roles, women's place in society, their ability to lead as well as their belief in their inherent worthiness, and they act as roadblocks at every turn of women's aspirations.
In looking at the most pervasive challenges that keep women from fully owning their power, six paradoxes come to light. Each captures a unique facet of the gender disparities that women deal with at work, and that also bleed into their personal lives. While each paradox is distinct, they also share common threads, and are born out of the conflicting expectations, biases and gender norms perpetuated by the patriarchal system.
Understanding the paradoxes that shape women's journeys
The Empowerment Paradox:Be empowered, but in a system that disempowers you. The contradiction where women are expected to be empowered in the very systems that unwittingly disempower them through biases and processes that can set them up to fail. (See page 13.)
The Confidence Paradox:Be confident, but not too confident. The paradoxical confidence gap that often holds women back from asserting themselves and using their voice. When they appear confident, women get labelled as too assertive or aggressive. When they aren't confident, they get told they don't have leadership potential. (See page 23.)
The Motherhood Paradox:Be a great mother, but work like you don't have children. Women are expected to be caring, committed mothers at home and conform to strict gender roles when it comes to parenting. At work, they are expected to work like they aren't mothers, and are judged harshly when their parenting responsibilities become visible in ways that men's don't. (See page 37.)
The Success Paradox:Be successful, but in a sea of expectations. This paradox reveals the intricate challenge that women can face as they strive for their own definition of success while navigating the ever-present societal expectations and gender norms that often dictate the path they should follow. (See page 51.)
The Leadership Paradox:Be a leader, but not like that. Workplaces push to get more women into leadership roles, but then insist that they lead as versions of men, not as their true selves. In subversive messaging and public scrutiny, women get penalised for using their inherent traits like empathy and vulnerability, as well as when they use masculine traits like assertiveness. Women, literally, can't win either way. (See page 61.)
The Visibility Paradox:Be visible, but don't promote yourself. Women navigate a complex web of challenges in gaining recognition for their contributions. It's an ever-present tightrope between self-promotion and humility that leaves many women keeping their heads down to get their job done without ever gaining recognition for their achievements. (See page 73.)
In the following chapters, we will unpack each paradox in turn as we explore the systems, structures and solutions to create our path forward.
The Empowerment Paradox: Be empowered, but in a system that disempowers you
We expect women to be empowered at work. In fact, we assume that they are. On the surface it looks like all opportunities are open to women. There are policies to protect and support us, from equal pay to parental leave, a focus on targets and quotas, women's leadership programs, hiring slates and succession panels, women's employee resource groups and more. It's actually pretty easy to argue, when you don't look too deeply, that if women don't succeed at work, well then, that's on them.
A lot of men, and many women, don't understand the Empowerment Paradox. They look around and see that women have, from their viewpoint at least, exactly the same rights and opportunities that men have. I constantly hear from women about the clapback they receive from their husbands and male colleagues whenever they talk about women's rights or empowerment at work.
What do you mean you don't have the same rights as me? How are your opportunities any different?
We work in a meritocracy. If women aren't in leadership roles, then that's their choice.
Gender pay gap? You chose to go and have a career break to have children. It's not men's fault that you now earn less because you had time out of the workforce.
In fact, if you pull back the covers just a little, many men actually think that the system is rigged in women's favour, and they are the ones being discriminated against. Sit with that for just a moment.
Even I have struggled at times writing this book when I find my inner critic piping up: Is it really so bad? Surely, we have progressed past all of this? Isn't this all in your head?
Then I remind myself that these are the questions that women ask themselves every single day, when they know something that just happened at work wasn't quite right or felt off, but they push it away, swallow their words and put the blame back on themselves.
I remind myself that this internal and external questioning is actually a form of gaslighting that keeps the patriarchal systems of power firmly in place because it makes women think that it's fine ‘out there’ and it's just them with a problem. It's our internalised patriarchy at play.
But we must look more deeply. We must go beyond the narrative that it's women's fault that they can't succeed, because there is ample data and lived experience that shows this is not true. And it's certainly not that simple.
The illusion of empowerment
Society expects women to be empowered while simultaneously overlooking the systemic barriers and biases that limit their opportunities. Sometimes hidden or subtle, other times blatant and aggressive, the layers of disempowerment in systems, processes and people inside the structures of work and society is rife. They are limiting, not only for women's careers and aspirations for leadership roles, but also for women's wellbeing, mental health, confidence and career longevity.
The patriarchal society portrays a narrative of progress and empowerment for women, celebrating advancements made in gender equality. Look, another woman made it to the top of a public company! Look, a Supreme Court judge or another head of state! Yet, we must recognise that this narrative can create an illusion of empowerment, obscuring the systemic challenges and biases that women still face.
When you look around your workplace, it may seem that it's not too bad, but scratch the surface just a little, have some honest conversations with women about their real experiences when they have permission and space to be vulnerable, and you will see a different picture. If you listen, you will hear a torrential flood of stories filled with inequities and the profound impact that they have. Pay particular attention to the lived experience of Women of Colour, women with disabilities, Indigenous women and queer or transgender women, and their words will shock you even more.
