Forman's Games E-Book

Lance Forman

• Herausgeber: Biteback Publishing
• Kategorie: Sachliteratur, Reportagen, Biografien
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016

Beschreibung

On 6 July 2005, the world held a collective intake of breath as IOC president Jacques Rogge declared: 'The games of the 30th Olympiad in 2012 are awarded to the city of … London.' Despite the images of jubilant crowds in the streets of Britain's capital, there were some, like Lance Forman, for whom those words spelled only dread and uncertainty. His 100-year-old, fourth-generation family business, H. Forman & Son, was facing eviction to make way for the Olympic Stadium, and teetered on the brink of collapse. A full, unexpurgated account of his fight to keep the firm alive, Forman's Games lifts the lid on the fierce battle that pitched Forman's, the country's finest purveyor of smoked salmon, against the combined might of the UK authorities and the IOC in the run-up to the 2012 London Olympics. It is a story of skulduggery and bullying mounted against 350 local businesses, employing over 12,00 people, who stood in the way not just of the world's most famous sporting event, but of an opportunity to develop the land on which they had successfully run businesses over decades.

Leseprobe

FORMAN’S GAMES

THE DARK UNDERSIDE OF THE LONDON OLYMPICS

LANCE FORMAN

To my parents, Irene and Marcel

CONTENTS

Title PageDedicationForeword  CHAPTER 1:   Foretaste CHAPTER 2:   Foreshadowing CHAPTER 3:   Forebears CHAPTER 4:   Formulations CHAPTER 5:   Forging Ahead CHAPTER 6:   Forgery CHAPTER 7:   Foreign Bodies CHAPTER 8:   Fortifying CHAPTER 9:   Forfeited CHAPTER 10: Forays CHAPTER 11: Forlorn CHAPTER 12: Foreboding CHAPTER 13: Foraging CHAPTER 14: Foreclosure CHAPTER 15: Formidable CHAPTER 16: Forming CHAPTER 17: Fortune CHAPTER 18: Fortnight CHAPTER 19: Forthright CHAPTER 20: Foregone Conclusion  Petit Fours Dramatis Personae PlatesCopyright

FOREWORD

If you’re looking for a nice, warm hagiography that lavishes praises on the wonders of the London Olympics, I’ll have to ‘fess up’ and admit this isn’t the book for you. It hasn’t been officially approved by the International Olympic Committee, or the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, or the British government. It wasn’t commissioned by Tony Blair, or Tessa Jowell, or Ken Livingstone, or Sebastian Coe, to brush up their tarnished reputations through association with the world’s number one sporting event. It isn’t packed to the rafters with vivid colour photographs of the Opening Ceremony, or the Men’s 100m final, or triumphant Paralympians. If that’s what you seek, I can point you in the direction of the Official Commemorative Book published by John Wiley & Sons.

What this book does instead is reveal an alternative narrative of the London Olympics from the perspective of one of the 350 businesses evicted from their premises, with just eighteen months’ notice, to make way for the Olympic Park. It exposes the dark underside of the so-called festival of sport as it affected real people with real jobs. It shines a light on the frightening attitude and behaviour of the authorities as they set aside due process and fair treatment to get a job done. It shows how close many firms, including Forman’s smoked salmon business, came to collapse as the onslaught and pressure intensified. It’s a tale I’ve told in part to a number of audiences, including MBA students at the London Business School, and one I’ve often been encouraged to relay in full and for the record. Many of the details disclosed in the book are ones never previously divulged; all are supported by contemporaneous records and witness statements.

I haven’t disguised the names of individuals in the book, but I should stress this – I’m not focused on settling old scores. Whilst many of those who played a significant role in the compulsory purchase of our factory do not, I think, emerge from these pages covered in glory, my aim has not been character assassination (in fact, many of those with whom I crossed swords have since done a medal-winning job of besmirching their reputations all by themselves). Instead, it has been to recount events honestly and objectively, whilst hopefully communicating a sense of what it was like for me, personally, to be caught at the vortex of such carnage.

I have spent a number of chapters describing challenges faced by me, and by Forman’s, in the years before that fateful Wednesday in 2005 – for ever seared on my mind – when Jacques Rogge announced that London would be hosting the Games. I felt this was important because many of the solutions we devised to deal with previous crises had a bearing on our response to the land grab programme. Plus, I think, those earlier experiences are fascinating in their own right; one or two could arguably have merited a book all to themselves.

I’d like to acknowledge the support of my family – my wife René, my children Matthew, Oliver and Annabel – without whose forbearance I’d never have been able to run Forman’s, let alone find time to reflect on recent history. Of course, I must thank the three former generations of Formans without whom I would not be endowed with this privileged position in the first place. I’d also like to give thanks to my publisher, Biteback, especially Iain Dale, Jeremy Robson, Olivia Beattie and Victoria Godden, who immediately agreed this story should be told, and have been unflinching in their backing ever since. To Laurence Smith, who has superbly assisted me in filleting, curing, carving and packaging this extraordinary tale. To Louise Jacobs, for her insightful recommendation to make contact with Jeremy Robson. To Spencer Debson, Lloyd Hardwick, Claire Bishop and René (again), who read through the manuscript as it was being drafted and gave invaluable feedback. And to many of those who were present during the events I’ve described, and kindly gave of their time to share their memories. The book wouldn’t have been possible without all these contributions, and I’m for ever grateful.

I’ll close by quoting a subtitle we once considered for Forman’s Games, which provides simple advice for anyone facing the entire might of their government dumping an Olympic Stadium on their land: Forewarned is Forearmed!

CHAPTER 1

FORETASTE

October: the month we turn back the clocks and allow darkness to encroach; the month of Halloween, when children tremble in terror of the supernatural; and the month that’s borne witness to every one of the greatest catastrophes suffered by H. Forman & Son during the past twenty-five years.

Comically, my birthday also happens to fall in October. There is a Yiddish proverb, ‘Mann tracht und Got lacht’, meaning ‘Man plans and God laughs’. There must have been an outbreak of heavenly chuckles when He arranged for me to enter this world bang in the middle of the month I’ve learnt to dread. When your mind’s in turmoil from the latest disaster, it’s not easy to blow out candles and unwrap presents with a cheery and carefree mien.

But, back in 2007, I was hopeful the curse had at last been broken. It was an unsettling time, but also one for fresh beginnings. The Forman’s Marshgate Lane factory was standing alone, in the middle of vast wasteland, as if it was the sole remaining structure in a post-apocalyptic dystopia. Around the building, 500 cold and desolate acres, strewn with debris from the recent demolitions. A single makeshift track connected the factory to the outside world. It stretched through the mud to the remote cobalt-blue-fenced perimeter, where two bored and overweight guards stood on duty at the main entrance to the site. Beyond the gate, I could make out the distant outlines of bulldozers, excavators and loaders. These were the vehicles that had despatched havoc with such efficient brutality. Like medieval marauders, they had devastated a community. There was nothing left in their wake but twisted pipes, broken masonry and smashed glass.

A few months beforehand, the district had been abuzz with commerce, the largest concentration of manufacturing businesses in the entire Greater London area, including printers, dressmakers, galvanisers, stonemasons, tanners, concrete crushers and dozens more. Family-owned firms passed down through the generations, as well as the local operations of national and international companies. Over 350 employers, with a combined workforce of 12,000 skilled artisans and traders – every single one was being erased from the landscape to make room for just over two weeks of sport.

‘Time to put the past behind us,’ said René. ‘We must stay positive.’

Even my factory, the newly built Forman’s smokehouse, would not long defy the power of the wrecking ball. Since our produce cannot be kept in storage, we had negotiated a special dispensation from the authorities. Whilst every other business had been evicted from the future Olympic Park site during the summer, we’d been allowed to continue operating from Marshgate Lane until October. According to the authorities, this provided ‘ample time’ for our new Stour Road site to come on stream. And so it was that, on a bleak Saturday morning, the final boxes of Marshgate Lane smoked salmon were loaded onto our fleet of vans and despatched to over 100 top hotels and restaurants around the capital.

With the deliveries under way, my workforce of curers, smokers and packers set down their tools and transformed into the most dedicated crew of removal workers anywhere on the planet. We had precious few hours to transfer everything that wasn’t nailed down from Marshgate Lane to our new facility. Steel tables, salmon blades, vacuum packers, office furniture, files, memorabilia – the mantra was simple: nothing of value could be left behind to fall victim to the blades and rippers of the returning bulldozers.

We’d quickly figured out there was no sense in preserving the structural integrity of a factory on the verge of demolition. So we used forklifts to smash out doors and windows, creating the largest possible apertures through which to pass our bounty. The last item I’d removed was an oil painting of Odessa, the town where my maternal grandfather had been born. René had banished it from our home on the grounds of its artistic failings. But I’d been loath to store or sell it. So it had found its way to the one section of my office wall that wasn’t already crammed with smokehouse photography or the various awards we’d collected over the years. With Odessa always visible from the corner of my eye, it sometimes felt as if my forefathers were watching down, checking that my actions as Managing Director were staying true to their proud legacy.

‘The Odessa painting made it out,’ I confessed to René.

‘Lance, that’s just not news,’ she replied. ‘Some things aren’t worth being sentimental over. Why not let the LDA have it as your parting gift?’

‘They might be destroying my building,’ I muttered. ‘They’re not taking my heritage as well. They can…’

For seven years, the London Development Agency had been the personal plaything of Mayor Ken Livingstone. Throughout his long career, Livingstone had cultivated an image of being an anti-establishment, lovable rogue. Shortly after the turn of the millennium, this had secured him a landslide victory as the UK’s first directly elected Mayor. Yet his casual, jocular manner belied an inner ruthlessness, which had recently turned its artillery in my direction. As Mayor, Livingstone lacked the ability to raise conventional taxes, so he relied upon a complex web of quangos to secure his power base. At the core of this network was the LDA, with a budget approaching half a billion pounds and an ability to dispense Compulsory Purchase Orders like confetti. It was the LDA that had been charged with ‘assembling’ the land for the Olympics.

Overweening and opaque, the LDA was ruthlessly exploited by Livingstone. It was the lever of choice through which he brushed aside any nascent opposition and imposed his favoured projects upon the city’s landscape. I’d learnt to my cost that, whilst the Mayor and his cronies paid lip service to ‘vital small businesses’ during hustings and public debates, their calculating actions were far removed from their soaring rhetoric. At heart, Livingstone was another scheming politician. His instinctive sympathy lay with the institutions of the state, rather than with independent traders who lacked the time and/or expertise to present a collective voice. Forman’s had been a high-profile victim of the so-called regeneration of London’s East End, but it was far from being the most unfortunate.

‘I can’t believe I was so close to giving up,’ I said. ‘It would’ve been so easy.’

‘You would never have given up,’ said René. ‘I know you too well. But I feel sorry for the others who did. Not everyone has your drive and determination, Mr Long Game.’

‘Well, some buried their heads in the sand, never thinking it was going to happen, but to be honest, it was difficult for them,’ I replied. ‘You can’t compete when the LDA has the most expensive lawyers and can keep things dragging on and on. And they were always going to steamroller this through, come what may. It was never going to be fair. When the CPOs started to land, it’s hardly surprising many businesses shut down their operations and laid off their staff. Rather that than start over. You can’t blame them.’

We were speaking on the Monday after the factory move, about an hour before sunrise. The fish industry has always observed an unconventional working day. Trading gets under way at the Billingsgate Fish Market at 4 a.m., and is already winding down when most London commuters are checking their Oyster cards ready for the trip into work. There aren’t many lifestyle advantages of such a manic schedule, but one is the almost-deserted state of London’s road system for my early-morning drive between East Finchley and Stratford. At one time, I’d been able to drive the nine miles across London in about as many minutes. That was before the speed cameras started to proliferate. Unable to pump the throttle on the empty Holloway Road, I now maintained an absurdly serene twenty-nine miles an hour.

By 2007, I’d been making the journey for thirteen years, unaccompanied but for the easy-listening muzak wafting from the Land Rover’s stereo system, if Radio 4’s Today programme had nothing to keep me interested. Yet I wasn’t travelling alone on that Monday. The past nine years had been burdened with so many negative emotions – anger, anxiety, frustration – that René had been keen to share in the whole-hearted, unalloyed joy of our new start. And I was thrilled to have her alongside. We had just celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary and I still felt the excitement of sharing a new experience with her. Even this morning, rising at 4.30 a.m., out of the house by 5 a.m., I’d spent a few more moments than usual brushing my jacket and combing my hair. Running a business can be lonely at times and René has always been a great sounding board, even if just to reflect on my own verbalised thoughts before putting them into action. Having her by my side at these special milestones made us both proud.

‘I hope everyone managed to get a bit of rest over the weekend,’ said René.

‘I know a few of them crashed overnight on the office floor,’ I replied. ‘It was like Christmas two months early. I think Lloyd shot home for a couple of hours and then straight back to the ranch, and Darren lives close by, so he managed to get away for a few hours’ kip. What a weekend, but we made it.’

‘Maybe we should have invited Ken Livingstone, Gareth Blacker and Tony Winterbottom to show them what you achieved without their help. They ought to hire you and Lloyd to run the Olympics if they want to get it done in time.’

‘And Coe,’ I said. ‘What a disappointment he’s been. I never expected better from Livingstone. But Coe. Arrrgh. All of this could have been avoided if…’

‘Yes?’ prompted René, as my words petered out.

‘He knew me. I’d met him when he came to race against Steve Cram round the college quad. I’d briefed him when I was working with Peter. All he had to do was have a conversation with me. What was he scared of? When he had the power to save a 100-year-old family business, he wouldn’t even take my phone call. Pathetic.’

‘I know, some people can’t face up to problems.’

‘No special treatment – I get that. But not even taking a call? He should have helped, not run away.’

Around Hackney, there was a little more roadside activity, the first fleeting signs of the approaching work day. On one corner, the proprietors of a deli café were rearranging half a dozen aluminium tables in anticipation of al fresco diners. Street-sweeper vans were pressure-washing the cycle lanes and scooping up litter that had clustered in the gutters. And lights were being switched on in Tube station ticket offices. London can never truly spring into life until its underground system, carrying up to 4 million passengers daily, has been primed.

Our new Stour Road factory was no more than 100 metres from the previous site. Designed to resemble a darne of a salmon, and (of course) painted a distinctive shade of pink, it had been built on the banks of the River Lea immediately opposite the Olympic Park site. The LDA’s threat that we must relinquish Marshgate Lane within an absurdly concertinaed timetable meant there had been no chance to run production in parallel across the two properties. On Friday, our new factory had still been an industrial building site, swarming with construction and refrigeration engineers, plasterers, plumbers, locksmiths, electricians, communications and computer technicians, conditions which were certainly not suited for the meticulous and hygienic preparation of a luxury food product. Three days of frantic upheaval later, and it was time for operations to commence. In the catering trade, even a single day offline can be lethal to business relationships. Our clients would not appreciate being put in a position of telling their diners that ‘fish is off the menu today, I’m afraid’. They would seek more trustworthy sources of supply. And once a chef’s loyalty has been forfeited, regaining it can be a lengthy, if not futile, ordeal.

The DNA of any smokehouse is its kiln – or, in our cases, kilns. I had taken the opportunity of our forced relocation to upgrade our infrastructure. The performance of our previous British-made kiln had been frustratingly inconsistent, and its manufacturer support had been unreliable, so I had scoured Europe for a product that would serve our business for decades to come. After viewing a number of alternatives that had ticked some, but not all, of our requirements, my right-hand man and Director of Operations Lloyd Hardwick and I had chanced upon an intriguing system at the annual Brussels seafood convention.

At this point, I need to beg your warm-hearted indulgence. A high-performance kiln is the heart of a smooth-running smokehouse, and I can get quite passionate about the subject. Eyes do tend to glaze over when I’m on a roll about the latest smoking technologies. I recognise it’s not a topic that necessarily obsesses people in other trades, and I guarantee this will not be a book about how to specify and procure a perfect kiln. Nevertheless, it is germane to the story of our reopening, and – with your permission – I’d like to spend just a minute or so describing why the ‘Airmaster’ blew us away.

The Airmaster was used throughout Europe for smoking meats, and it boasted a number of features that appealed to us. Traditionally, smokers use combustion and sawdust to generate smoke; by contrast, the Airmaster relied on the friction created by an uneven wheel spinning against an oak log, allowing for more precise control of the quantity of smoke. In addition, both Lloyd and I had been paranoid about sawdust since that had been the apparent cause of a factory fire some years ago. Next, the Airmaster had a state-of-the-art electronic control unit, so the user could identify and pre-programme the optimal settings for each stage of the drying and smoking process. The manufacturer offered a number of reassurances about maintenance, pointing out the regularity of short-haul flights into the nearby London City Airport. Finally, they could create something that would look gorgeous, rather than provide us with their standard design.

For most smokehouses, the aesthetics would be an irrelevance. However, I had a vision of Forman’s as a tourist destination. If I was to commit over £1 million to the purchase and installation of new kit, it would be a terrible waste for it to be hidden from public display. In Marshgate Lane, the kilns were built into the wall, with only the steel doors on view. This time, I was keen for the kilns in their entirety to be the factory showpiece – free-standing, centrally positioned, like the clock tower in a Eastern European town, with glass doors so that visitors could view the salmon being smoked. I was so insistent on this point that the size and shape of the building had been architectured to suit the kilns rather than the other way around. The technical superiority meant the Airmaster was our preferred choice of replacement kilns. Their stunning visual impact was the clincher.

However, whilst the Airmaster had an enviable meat-smoking track record, its use in the fish trade was relatively scarce, and – whilst they assured us it would be possible to tailor all aspects of the smoking process – our due diligence needed to be robust before we could commit. Shortly after the Brussels show, Lloyd and I spent two days at the Airmaster plant in Stuttgart inspecting every aspect of the manufacture and discussing potential refinements. Of course, the most important test had been to smoke some salmon, and we both agreed the taste had been exquisite.

Against all these positives, we had to weigh a single area of concern. Forman’s had traditionally prided itself on its ‘Buy British’ policies. Yet, we’d be procuring the Airmaster smoking ovens not merely from abroad, but from Germany – the country of the Holocaust against the Jewish people from which my father had been a survivor. To make matters worse, the manufacturer went by the unfortunate name of ‘Reich’. As one wit drily remarked at the official opening event for the Stour Road factory, ‘I can see why you only bought two kilns. You couldn’t have risked the Third Reich being found, alive and kicking, in the bowels of H. Forman & Son.’

Early on that Monday morning, René was yet to see the newly installed kilns, and I couldn’t wait to unveil them in all their dramatic glory. I escorted her, hands clasped over her eyes, to a first-floor viewing platform, where the most impressive view was to be had, and whispered gently, ‘You can look now.’

The kilns were even more magnificent in situ than in the Stuttgart plant. Built of stainless steel, they had been polished and re-polished until the metal came alive, light reflections creating a glistening effect on every surface. And, with their four chambers and two smoke generators, they were truly enormous. The visual impact was made more powerful by the various vents and chimneys atop the kilns. These ‘inner workings’ are usually concealed behind panelling, but I’d left them exposed to reinforce the sense of being inside an authentic, functioning factory. René took one look at the mammoth array, and exclaimed, ‘I can hardly believe what I’m seeing. It’s like being inside Willy Wonka’s … Salmon … Factory. It’s amazing, I can’t wait to taste the fish.’

Ah yes, tasting the fish. That would be the highlight of René’s ‘day one’ visit. The moment our triumph would be complete; when we finally laid behind us a decade of upheavals. With Stour Road up and running, producing the world’s finest smoked salmon to London’s most discerning gastronomes, it would be clear to all that Forman’s lived on, fighting fit and equipped to seize the opportunities of the new millennium. Despite the setbacks, the lies, the cost, our business would re-emerge with our standards uncompromised and our integrity intact.

The reputation of smoked salmon in the UK has been sadly diminished during the past two decades, due to the shoddy practices of mass producers. Under pressure from the retailers, they cut corners throughout the curing and smoking process. Much of what is disingenuously labelled ‘smoked salmon’ now contains as much brine as flesh. The food-shopping public, in their hundreds of thousands, has been indoctrinated to believe that £2.99 for a few slivers of damp, salty, sugary and leathery fish is decent value. I despair that any right-minded producer could take the glorious fish that is the Scottish salmon and transform it into such garbage. It’s like using lead crystal to manufacture a junkie’s syringe, rather than upscale glassware.

When prepared properly, it takes a full forty-eight hours for smoked salmon to be ready for consumption. Due to the rushed weekend move, the salmon despatched on the morning of 15 October 2007 had been cured and smoked across two different locations. Having been cured in Marshgate Lane, the fish had been packed into chilled polystyrene boxes and transported across the River Lea to our new factory, where they had been stored in finely calibrated conditions. When Lloyd felt confident that the Airmaster was ready, the fish were set out on two-metre-high trolleys, which were then wheeled into the chambers. For eight hours, through a perfect combination of fan-drying and dehumidification, the machine’s air flow system dried the fish, at which point the smoking could commence. As the temperature approaches 25 degrees, a thin crust called a pellicle, a millimetre or two in thickness, forms on the surface of the fish, preventing excess smoke from penetrating the flesh. The goal is to ensure the dominant taste is salmon, rather than water or salt or smoke. Whilst the naked eye can sometimes struggle to discern the difference between outstanding and mediocre salmon, all is revealed the moment the fish makes contact with the tongue.

Glowing with delight and awe, René asked Rita Law, one of our staff members (of whom much more later), to help her collect some champagne flutes and bottles of Chapel Down Brut Reserve from the back of my Land Rover. The moment that the first trolley emerged from the kilns should be marked with a hearty celebration. I felt the warm hands of my forefathers resting on my shoulders, four generations of Formans gathering for this moment of history. A tear had formed in the corner of my eye, and was now spooling over my eyelid. I wiped it away with the underside of my thumb and tapped the fork. To my side, Rita was unwinding the wire muselets around the champagne corks, and René was setting out the flutes on one of the work surfaces, ready to receive the silky liquid. We were both standing an inch taller than usual, puffed up with the thrill of the moment. I began: ‘These few days have been truly momentous. I couldn’t let them pass without saying a couple of words to mark our new beginning.’

Having delivered a number of speeches at public forums over the years, I was keen to keep my audience engaged. So, as I spoke, I looked around the factory floor, making eye contact with as many members of staff as possible. Which was how I noticed that Lloyd, usually the most stoical of my entire team, fidgeting nervously. But what can go wrong with a simple toast, first thing in the morning as I arrive for our first day?

I continued: ‘You don’t need me to remind you of the troubles we’ve faced. You’ve all been there with me and I thank you for that. But we’ve survived. And, I believe, come out stronger and better than ever. We also have our drop-dead-fabulous kilns. Lloyd and I looked at many alternatives, but in the end there was no doubt. Forman’s never compromises on quality. They weren’t cheap, I think you all know that, but they’ll continue our reputation as the Rolls-Royce of salmon smokers, and so will be worth every single penny.’

Lloyd had been shifting uneasily throughout these remarks, and finally he could keep his counsel no longer. He stepped forward and interrupted me mid-flow: ‘Lance, can I just have a couple of words, please?’

For a moment, I was irritated at this cack-handed intervention. But Lloyd and I had been inseparable for a decade, and I knew he wouldn’t be disrupting my flow without just cause. That realisation sent an icy chill through my body.

‘What is it, Lloyd?’

‘I think you’d better come over here.’ He directed me towards the slicing and trimming table, where a handful of sides were hanging from a rail.

‘Lloyd, what is it?’ I repeated. The icy chill had not yet dissipated.

He took the side from the rail and laid it on the stainless table, handed me a carving knife and invited me to slice a piece for tasting.

‘It’s not right, Lance,’ he said. ‘I’m not happy and you’re not going to be either.’

I’ve eaten smoked salmon almost every day of my professional life. With a perfectly prepared slice, as the fish starts to interact with the tongue, there are a series of taste sensations. Firstly, the firm richness of the fish itself, then the release of the salt, and finally the subtle presence of the smoke, but never overpowering the salmon. Texture is a vital part of the experience. The cut should hold together rather than flake apart as soon as it’s inside the mouth. And if it’s so wet and slimy that it’s sliding around the mouth, you’ve definitely got problems.

Sensing something was amiss, René had ditched her champagne duties and was standing by my side. She threaded her arm reassuringly around mine. ‘You’ll work it out. You always do.’

‘I can’t understand it,’ said Lloyd.

It was wet, for sure. Slimy, without doubt. And, above all, there was a disgusting bitter aftertaste. So unpleasant and intense that I might need to gulp down the contents of both champagne bottles just to cleanse the palate. This was like that cheap supermarket smoked salmon that I despise … only worse.

In quick succession, four nightmarish fears burst, unbidden and unwelcome, into my consciousness. Firstly, that I had just burned £1 million I didn’t have on two kilns which, it seemed, couldn’t perform the basic function of smoking a few Scottish salmon and, being built in to the factory, it would be impossible to replace them. Secondly, the very next day we had an advanced order for a gathering of dignitaries at the Berkeley Hotel in honour of former US Vice-President Al Gore, a job which was now in direct jeopardy. Thirdly, that my forefathers – if their spirits were drifting around the factory as I sometimes supposed – would now be debating the numerous inadequacies of ‘the ignorant boy who bought kilns from Germany’. And, finally, that I now possessed even more compelling evidence that the ghastly month of October carried an undiminished, planet-sized grudge against east London’s most hapless salmon smokehouse.

Suddenly, my mind was filled with images of every disaster suffered by Forman’s – the entire macabre procession of flood, fire, fraud, compulsory purchase … and now this. And this time, not the result of some freak external event, but the consequence of my own impulsive decision-making. Was I being punished for a terrible transgression committed in my youth? Or was the bloody-minded choice of a German manufacturer sufficient just cause? I was worried. And Lloyd was worried. And Lloyd doesn’t worry. Which was worrying.

CHAPTER 2

FORESHADOWING

Dickens once wrote that the late eighteenth century was ‘the best of times, the worst of times’. But for me, 200 years later was simply the strangest of times. Much of this was self-inflicted. I had somehow persuaded the admissions panel at Trinity College, Cambridge, that I’d be a useful addition to their economics intake (I suspect it was a mixture of desperation, perseverance and chutzpah), and spent three years surrounded by future leaders in the fields of politics, business and the arts. However, when I made my rite of passage in the first week to the University’s Freshers’ Fair – an enormous hall that teemed with a thousand societies soliciting for new members – I balked at any with a serious mission, and instead signed up with brio and relish for CURLS – the Cambridge University Raving Loony Society.

Toilet humour has always been popular amongst adolescents, and at CURLS we took that mantra literally. One icy cold Saturday, my fellow lunatics and I requisitioned a minibus and launched a dawn raid of our arch-rivals at Oxford University. Oxford, like Cambridge, was keen to ensure a modicum of hygiene amongst the undergraduate population, and every weekday a ‘scout’, typically an elderly domestic cleaner, would dust, tidy and replenish the essentials – which included toilet paper. During the weekend, this created our opportunity for impishness. En route to Oxford, we made a brief stop at a general store and bought up the entire stock of black bin liners. With military precision over the next seven hours, we sneaked around the corridors and staircases of each of the university’s halls of residence, filling the bags with every toilet roll in every cubicle in every communal facility in the wicked satisfaction that we would be leaving Oxford students bereft of supplies until the following Monday. We loaded up the back of our van with our treasure to lay witness to this great feat.