Watering my Crown E-Book

Sunshinegoldenchild .

• Herausgeber: tredition
• Kategorie: Sachliteratur, Reportagen, Biografien
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 193

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

Sunshinegoldenchild examines the alchemy between brain, heart and soul by sharing her journey from depression to the desire of honest self-love. She seeks to highlight the nuances of growing up as a young woman of color in a predominantly white society while putting our feelings on self worth or lack thereof in context of capitalism, white supremacy and hetero-patriarchy and then empowers you to redefine your story, show yourself more compassion and fall back in love with the amazing human you are. "Watering my Crown" is the perfect title for a book that promotes a proactive approach to finding your individual happiness, delivered in a raw and honest approach of sharing pieces to the author´s own personal journey and then giving insight to the methods and inspiration she has pulled from to rising from her place of darkness back to the light. Full of insights, wisdom, and clarity Sunshinegoldenchild teaches you how to shed self-sabotaging habits, the importance of cutting toxic people out of your life and instead growing into your best and most authentic self making your physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing a priority.

Leseprobe

Content

About the Author

To my Daughter

To my Friend

I wrote "Watering my Crown"

Inspiring Women

Part 1 - The Story

Dont allow this world to break you

Let's go back

American stories

"Atlanta" did this to me!

Why Barcelona you ask? Why not?!

Part 2 - The Knitŧy Gritty

Healing Steps

Putting my Vision into words

Loving Yourself - But how?

Selfcare means

Body Image Struggles

Having Confidence in your Self

Claiming your Purpose

Part 3 - The Keys

Knowing your Worth

Surrounding yourself with Positivity

Cutting out the Negativity

Checking yourself

Doing things that bring you Happiness

Forgiving Spirit

Showing someone else Love

Presently Living

Dealing with Rejection

Dealing with negative Emotions

Quick Fixes

Gratitude is an Attitude

Goalsetting

Relapse

A word to all Mothers

Credits

About the Author

IT ALL STARTED WITH A DIARY WHICH BECAME HER REFUGE ON DAYS WHEN NO ONE ELSE UNDERSTOOD AND LATER WAS HER KEY TO FREEDOM WHEN UNPACKING THE YEARS OF PAIN AND TRAUMA. WRITING BECAME HER THERAPY, TRANSFORMING PAIN INTO WORDS THAT NOW READ HER STORY.

SUNSHINEGOLDENCHILD IS THE DAUGHTER OF A TRINIDADIAN FATHER AND A

GERMAN MOTHER. SHE WAS RAISED IN A SMALL VILLAGE IN GERMANY WHICH NEVER FELT LIKE HOME TO HER. GROWING UP SHE STRUGGLED WITH HER SENSE OF BELONGING AND IDENTITY, GOT LOST IN DEPRESSION AND HEARTBREAK. SHE ESCAPED THE SMALL-MINDED BORDERS OF HER VILLAGE AND DIVED HEADFIRST INTO A WHOLE NEW WORLD WHICH TURNED EVERYTHING UPSIDE DOWN FOR HER.

THESE FOLLOWING PAGES ARE THE TESTIMONY OF HER STRUGGLE AND THE OVERCOMING.

SUNSHINEGOLDENCHILD MADE IT HER MISSION TO OPEN WOMEN’S EYES TO THEIR INNER BEAUTY AND AMAZINGNESS. SHE PROMOTES SELF-LOVE, BODY-POSITIVITY AND WOMEN EMPOWERMENT.

WITH HER HONEST AND RAW APPROACH OF SHARING PIECES OF HER JOURNEY, SHE REACHES AN UNPRECEDENTED LEVEL OF EMPATHY AND RELATABILITY AMONGST YOUNG WOMEN THROUGHOUT ALL WALKS OF LIFE, BUT ESPECIALLY OTHER WOMEN OF COLOR IN WHO SHE SEEKS TO INSPIRE TRANSFORMATION AND SELF-GROWTH.

SUNSHINEGOLDENCHILD UTILIZES THE INTIMACY OF POETRY AND THE ART OF THE WRITTEN WORD TO WEAVE THE CLOTH BETWEEN OUR INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCES AND COLLECTIVE LIBERATION AS WOMEN.

SHE IS A FORMER POETRY SLAM CHAMPION AND PERFORMED ON NATIONALAND INTERNATIONAL STAGES SUCH AS IN GERMANY, NEW YORK, AND LONDON. SOME OF HER ESSAYS AND POETRY HAVE BEEN FEATURED IN SEVERAL DIGITAL PUBLICATIONS. HER WRITING STYLE IS EASY TO READ YET FULL OF COLORFUL METAPHORS AND IMAGERY, SPRINKLED WITH ENOUGH OPTIMISM AND A BOUNTY OF PASSIONATE DREAMY LINES THAT ARE BOUND TO TOUCH READERS TO THEIR CORE.

SUNSHINEGOLDENCHILD IS A MULTI-FACETED ARTIST WHO ALWAYS SEEKS TO REINVENT HERSELF TO SHARE HER CREATIVITY WITH THE WORLD EXPLORING HER PASSION FOR ART, PHOTOGRAPHY, PEOPLE AND TRAVEL BUT THE ONE WAY SHE KNOWS BEST ON HOW TO SHARE WHAT THE EYE CAN’T SEE IS THROUGH WRITING.

BETWEEN THE YEARS OF 2013 AND 20l6, SHE RAN A SUCCESSFUL TRAVEL BLOG WHICH HAD UP TO 23.000 MONTHLY WORLDWIDE READERS WHO LOVED FINDING OUT ABOUT THE CRAZY ADVENTURES SUNSHINEGOLDENCHILD GOT INTO DURING HER TRAVELS THROUGH 32 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.

HER LIFE CHANGED WHEN SHE VISITED TRINIDAD AGAIN FOR

THE FIRST TIME IN HER ADULT LIFE, WHERE SHE MET HER FUTURE HUSBAND WHO ALSO GAVE HER THE BEST PRESENT, ONE THAT SHE WANTED EVER SINGE SHE WAS A YOUNG GIRL HERSELF, A DAUGHTER. THE „WILD CHILD“ SETTLED DOWN AND ENJOYS BUILDING WITH HER LITTLE FAMILY.

To my daughter

READ THIS AS MY LOVE LETTER TO YOU, MAY IT GIVE YOU STRENGTH ON THE BATTLEFIELD OF LIFE AND ENCOURAGE YOU IN TIMES OF FEELING DEFEATED. THIS BOOK WILL FOREVER STAND AS A TESTIMONY OF MY UNCONDITIONAL NON-ERASABLE LOVE FOR YOU. I PRAY YOU WILL NEVER LOSE TOUCH WITH YOUR TRUE SELF AND FORGET WHO YOUWERE BEFORE THE WORLD CAME IN AND TOLD YOU DIFFERENTLY. IF THIS SHOULD STILL HAPPEN… MAY THESE PAGES EMPOWER YOU TO FIND YOUR WAY OUT.

For my dear friend

WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD HAVE NEVER ALLOWED MY MIND TO TRAVEL CROSS IT’S SELF-SET LIMITS AND DREAM THIS BIG. I HAD BEEN WRITING EVER SINCE I KNEW HOW TO, BUT IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY PERSONAL, A LOT OF OLD JOURNALS AND JUST FOR MY EYES ONLY. I TRUSTED YOU ENOUGH TO READ ONE OF MY POEMS AND YOU WERE BLOWN AWAY. YOUR SUPPORT IS WHAT INSPIRED ME TO OPEN UP MY JOURNALS TO THE WORLD. AND FOR THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU. TO WHEREVER YOU ARE TODAY, I HOPE SOMEONE WILL SHARE THESE PAGES WITH YOU.

I wrote „Watering my crown“

TO MAKE PEACE WITH MY PAST AND TO DECLARE MY COMMITMENT TO DAILY LOVING AND APPRECIATING MY SELF. IT’S A TESTAMENT TO MY DARKEST TIMES AND MY GREATEST VICTORY. IT’S A COMPILATION OF MY TRUTH. I DIVE THROUGH DEEPLY ROUTED LAYERS OF GENERATIONAL TRAUMA AND LIFT THE VEIL TO A LOT OF HIDDEN TRUTHS, THAT I WAS UNABLE TO SEE AT THE TIME BUT NOW ARE SO ESSENTIAL TO ME. „SELF-LOVE IS NOT SELFISH“.

WE ALL LOSE GROUND SOME TIMES AND SOME OF US NEED A LITTLE HELP TO PUT THINGS BACK IN PERSPECTIVE TO GET THROUGH THE STORM. SOCIETY TELLS US TO BREAK IN SILENCE AS IF WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASHAMED OF OUR STRUGGLE AS IF THE OUTCRIES OF OUR HEARTS AREN’T MEANT TO BE HEARD. I’VE LIVED THROUGH MANY DARK NIGHTS BEFORE I COULD GET MY FINGERS TO PLACE THIS PEN TO PAPER AND WRITE IT ALL DOWN.

AND NOW, READING IT BACK, I SOUND SO CONFIDENT, I CAN SEE THAT I WAS JUST TRYING TO CREATE A MAP FOR MYSELF WHEN I WAS FEELING LOST. I BECAME THE VOICE AND THE EAR. IN THIS BOOK, YOU WILL FIND A LOT OF „LIFE LESSONS“ I ’M SURE YOU’VE HEARD SOMEWHERE BEFORE THE ART IS TO TAKE WHAT YOU KNOW AND APPLY IT TO YOUR REAL-LIFE AND I HOPE THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU WITH THAT.

„WATERING MY CROWN“ IS ABOUT FACING YOUR INNER AND EXTERNAL BATTLES HEADS ON, NOT BEING TIED DOWN TO SOMEBODY ELSE’S IDEA OF WHAT YOUR LIFE SHOULD LOOK LIKE AND HONORING YOUR OWN INNER VOICE.

I BREAK DOWN DIFFERENT ANGLES AND METHODS TO ESTABLISHING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS AND PEACE OF MIND. I KEPT TRYING TO REMEMBER MY OLD SELF BEFORE THE DARKNESS SWALLOWED ME, WANTING TO GET BACK TO HER AND EVENTUALLY GREW FRUSTRATED WHEN I REALIZE THAT GOING BACK IS NEVER POSSIBLE IN EVOLUTION. SO I BEGAN SEEKING NEW ROADS AND I FOUND MORE THAN I HAD LOST IN THE FIRE.

I DECIDED TO SELF PUBLISH BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT ANY EDITOR OR PUBLISHER TWEAKING MY STORY OR MY VISION OF ARTISTIC LAYOUT TO APPEAL TO „A BROADER AUDIENCE“. I WANTED TO STAY TRUE TO MYSELF, I WANTED IT TO BE AN AUTHENTIC, HOMEGROWN, DIY PROJECT, A GIFT FROM ME TO THE WORLD.

I WANT MY BOOK TO BE READ IN BOOKCLUBS AMONGST FRIENDS OR SHARED IN LIBRARIES. I WISH FOR MY STORY TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD AND CONNECT WITH AS MANY YOUNG WOMEN AS POSSIBLE. MAY THIS BOOK INSPIRE SOMEONE TO ALSO LOOK INTO THEMSELVES, PEELING BACK THE LAYERS THAT GREW HARD OVER THE YEARS AND FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH THE AMAZING WOMAN BENEATH THEM,

over and over again

Tell yourself

’I AM A WORK OF ART, A PORTRAIT OF MY SOUL. I AM DIVINE LIGHT, WRITTEN IN THE FLESH.I AM POWERFUL, I COMMAND SPACE. REALLY, THERE IS NO END TO ME.

THE WOMEN WHO SPARKED INSPIRATION IN ME FORA SHIFT IN MY THINKING AND LOVE OF SELF WERE MAYA ANGELOU, SIPHOKAZI VETI, SONYA RENEE TAYLOR, CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE AND CHIDERA EGGERUE. AND THE COUNTLESS NAMES OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN MY REAL AND DIGITAL LIFE WHO INVITE ME TO BE A PART OF THEIR JOURNEY.

Dont allow this world to break you

WE ARE ALL HEARTBROKEN AND FORGOT HOW TO SIMPLY BE ourselves. OFTEN TIMES WE HIDE BEHIND OUR „ONLINE LIVES” THAT WE HAVE CREATED, INSTAGRAM APPLIES A FILTER TO EVERYONE’S LIFE TO MAKE IT LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL AND EXCITING. MOST OF US LOVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THERE, DISTRACTING OURSELVES FROM DEALING WITH OUR ACTUAL REALITY.

WE ALL FALL TRAP TO PROCRASTINATION, SLOWLY LOSING TOUCH AND FOCUS AND THEN ENDING UP IN A STATE OF FRUSTRATION, FEELING LONELY AND EMPTY BECAUSE WE CONFUSE WHAT’S "REAL" WITH THE FAKE HAPPY IMAGES WE ’VE PUT UP TO CONCEAL OUR LIFE. MANY CHOSE TO HAVE HOURS-LONG TEXTING CONVERSATIONS WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME INSTEAD OF A REAL CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON FACE TO FACE. MAYBE BECAUSE THERE ARE NO EMOJIS IN REAL LIFE. I SPEAK FOR A WHOLE GENERATION, I SPEAK FOR MY GIRLFRIENDS WHO SEEK VALIDATION THROUGH STRANGERS ATTENTION AND LIKES BECAUSE SOMEHOW THOSE BEGAN HOLDING MORE WEIGHT TO BUILDING OUR SHALLOW CONFIDENCE THAN OUR MOTHER’S REASSURANCE „BABYGIRL YOU ARE FINE THE WAY YOU ARE, YOU DON’T NEED ALL THIS EXTRA MESS“.

But social media trained our eyes to blur the lines between what’ s real and what is phoŧoshopped.

WE TEND TO FORGET OR EVEN IGNORE THAT WHEN WE TURN OFF OUR PHONE, OR THE BATTERY DIES AND ALL THE APPS CLOSE DOWN, IT ISJUST US AND OUR THOUGHTS. AND THEN IT IS TIME TO ASK "HOW DO I FEEL? AM I HAPPY WITH THE WAY I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW?”

AND I HAD TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT I WAS NOT FEELING VERY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. IN FACT, I FELT THERE WAS THIS HUGE AMOUNT OF MENTAL BUILD-UP THAT I’VE BEEN KEEPING MYSELF DISTRACTED FROM CONFRONTING. CHILDHOOD ISSUES, GENERATIONAL TRAUMA, UNHEALED HEARTBREAK, HAUNTING NEGATIVITY FROM THE COMPANY I KEEP, FEARS OF THE FUTURE, BODY IMAGE INSECURITIES (…) YOU NAME IT. AND I ALLOWED THE PILE TO GET BIGGER AND BIGGER, I GUESS I ALMOST FELT „COMFORTABLE“ AND USED TO FEELING THIS WAY. AND THEN THERE IS THE WORLD AROUND YOU, WHO’S MADNESS IS HARD TO IGNORE OR ZONE OUT OF.

HONESTLY, HOW DO YOU FIND YOUR PEACE OF MIND IN A WORLD WHERE INNOCENT FAMILIES ARE BEING TORN APART AT BORDERS, FLEEING FROM WARTORN COUNTRIES, MOTHERS SEEKING A BETTER LIFE FOR THEIR CHILDREN. WHERE WHOLE BUSTLING NEIGHBORHOODS ARE HALLOWED OUT BY BOMBS AND NOW REMAIN GHOST TOWNS. WHERE YOUNG MEN FEEL PRESSURED TO CROSS OCEANS ON NUTSHELL BOATS BECAUSE THEY CANNOT FIND WAYS TO PROVIDE FOR THEMSELVES IN THE COUNTRY THEY GREW. JOURNEYS THAT TAKE MANY LIVES. DESTINATIONS THAT MAKE FALSE PROMISES AND THEN PERSECUTE YOU FOR BELIEVING THEM.

WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE YOU CAN BE EXECUTED BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN THE WRONG GOD. WHERE THE LAW OF YOUR COUNTRY CAN DICTATE WHO YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LOVE. WHEN PEOPLE WORK MINIMUM WAGE, GET EXPLOITED AND ROT THEIR SOUL TO FEED THEIR CHILDREN AND STILL STRUGGLE TO MAKE ENDS MEET.

WHEN THE GOVERNMENT FEEDS YOU POISON TO THEN PROFIT OFF YOUR POOR HEALTH.

WHEN FOURTH-GRADERS ARE SEXUALLY ACTIVE AND NINE-YEAR-OLDS ARE CONCERNED WITH THEIR CELLULITE.

HOW TO FIND PEACE WHEN EVERY DAY THERE ARE WOMEN BEING BEATEN BY THEIR HUSBANDS IN FRONT OF THEIR CHILDREN IN ORDER TO SECURE THEIR DOMINANCE INA PATRIARCHY SOCIETY. WHEN IN 2019 WOMEN STILL HAVE TO FIGHT FOR EQUAL RIGHTS AND THE GENERAL RIGHTS TO DECIDE OVER THEIR OWN BODIES.

WOMEN STILL CANNOT WALK THE STREETS OR DO THEIR JOBS WITHOUT BEING HARASSED OR OBJECTIFIED.

THERE IS DIVISION EVERYWHERE, SPLIT INTO NATIONALITIES, TRIBALISM, DEMOGRAPHICS, SOCIAL CLASSES, GENDER IDENTITIES AND WHATEVER OTHER CATEGORY YOU CAN COME UP WITH.

LET ME STOP, YOU GET THE POINT.

I don’ ŧ know if „back in the days“ life was easier, I am still young myself but I am beginning to lose the naivety in my eyes that guarded me from seeing a lot of nasty truths when I was a child.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT ALL THIS, BUT I KNOW I WANT TO DO SOMETHING. MAYBE IT STARTS WITH LOVE, WHICH IS A VERB, AN ACTION WITH THE INTENTION OF DOING GOOD FOR SOMEONE. LOVE MATTERS THE MOST IN THE PRESENT MOMENT, BEING COMPASSIONATE TOWARDS THE ONE BEFORE AND THOSE BEHIND YOU.

I WILL ADMIT, SOMETIMES I FEEL FOOLISH FORTHINKING OF LOVE AS A „WEAPON“ TO COMBAT ALL THE BAD THIS WORLD SUFFERS FROM. BUT THEN AGAIN I REMEMBER ALL THE ONES WHO I LOOK UP TO AS REVOLUTIONARIES AND THEIR LEGACIES WHICH ALL BOIL DOWN TO LOVE WHICH THEY HAD FOR THEIR PEOPLE BEFORE AND BEHIND THEM. STUDYING THOSE PERSONALITIES FURTHER I REALIZE WHAT THEY ALL HAD IN COMMON: LOVE FOR SELF FIRST. YES, I AM CONVINCED THAT LOVE REALLY IS THE ANSWER.

I WROTE THIS BOOK TO DOCUMENT MY WAY OUT OF DEPRESSION AND BACK TO THE MIDDLE, BACK TO MY INNERMOST-SELF, FALLING BACK IN LOVE WITH HER. SHARING WITH YOU WHAT HELPED ME, I TRIED TO BE AS TRANSPARENT AS POSSIBLE. MAY IT BE OF SERVICE TO YOU.

Let’s go back

THIS PART OF THE BOOK WAS THE HARDEST TO WRITE AND IS THE MAIN REASON WHY IT TOOK ME SO MANY YEARS TO FINALLY FINISH IT. NOT ONLY IS IT DIFFICULT TO REALLY LOOK INTO YOURSELF AND RELIVE YOUR MOST HEARTBREAKING MEMORIES, THAT YOU BURIED SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE OF YOU, FAR AWAY FROM YOUR DAILY THOUGHTS WITH THE HOPE THAT ONE DAY THEY’LL JUST DISSOLVE… BUT THE CONSTANT INTERNAL DEBATE ON HOW MUCH I REALLY WANT TO PUT OUT THERE TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD, IS WHAT HELD ME BACK FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

I DON’T WANT MY FAMILY READING CERTAIN THINGS AND BEING CARRIED BACK TO A TIME THAT CAUSED US TO SEPARATE, NOW – YEARS LATER – WHEN WE ARE TRYING TO MEND BACK WHAT ONCE BELONGED TOGETHER. I DON’T WANT MY HUSBAND LOOKING AT ME IN ANOTHER LIGHT WHEN HE LEARNS SOME MORE DETAILS OF MY STORY THAT I TRIED TO COVER UP FOR SO LONG BEING ASHAMED. I DON’T WANT MY FRIENDS TO THINK I AM ANY LESS OF THE STRONG WOMAN I SHOW MYSELF OFF TO BE. I HELD ONTO MY STORY FOR A VERY LONG TIME. EVEN THOUGH I OFTEN WROTE ABOUT IT, I KIND OF WROTE „AROUND“ IT, USING DETACHING METAPHORIC LANGUAGE AS IN MY POEMS. ALLUDING AND ALLEDGING RATHER THAN OPENLY POINTING FINGERS.

But I don’ ŧ want to feel shame anymore, I am who I am despite and because of my stor y .

I DECIDED TO SHARE SOME CONTEXT IN THIS BOOK, SO IT BECOMES MORE RELATABLE, BUT THIS BOOK IS NOT A MEMOIR WHERE I TELL MY LIFE STORY. IT JUST HIGHLIGHTS SOME OF MY MOST PAINFUL MOMENTS WHICH LED ME TO THE DARK PLACE I WAS IN FOR SO LONG AND MY WAY BACK TO LIGHT, BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO LOVE. I DON’T WANT TO BORE

YOU WITH TOO MANY DETAILS BUT PAINT THE SCENE FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE ROAD I’VE TRAVELED. AT SOME PARTS YOU MAY FIND THAT I TOO QUICKLY BRUSHED OVER THE DETAILS AND MAYBE THAT IS TRUE BUT THAT IS NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE LESS IMPORTANT BUT BECAUSE THIS HERE IS NOT MY DIARY SO I DON’T WANT TO REVEAL ALL DEBTS TO THE STORIES.

Nonetheless, these next pages are very personal and I hope you read with eyes of compassion rather than judgment.

FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER OF BEING A TEENAGER I WENT THROUGH PHASES OF BATTLING WITH DEPRESSION WHICH LASTED FROM A FEW DAYS UP TO SEVERAL MONTHS AT A TIME, BEFORE CATCHING MYSELF AGAIN. „DEPRESSION“ ISA TERM I PURPOSELY DO NOT WANT TO TRY AND DEFINE BECAUSE IT FEELS AND LOOKS SO DIFFERENT FROM PERSON TO PERSON AND I CAN ONLY SPEAK ON MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. I DON’T KNOW IF DEPRESSION RUNS IN MY GENETICS OR IF IT IS THE RESULT OF THE TRAUMA ENDURED TOGETHER AS A FAMILY, BUT IT IS EASY TO SEE THAT ALL FOUR OF US STRUGGLE WITH DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. MY SISTER’S STORY IS PROBABLY THE MOST TRAGIC BUT THIS IS A WHOLE NEW BOOK.

IT IS NOT AS EASY AS I THOUGHT TO REACH BACK AND MENTALLY RELIVE SOME OF THESE FEELINGS AND IMAGES THAT I CAREFULLY HAD STORED FAR AWAY FROM MY CONSCIOUS MIND THAT THESE DAYS THANKFULLY TRAVELS THROUGH HAPPIER FREQUENCIES. BUT FOR THE SAKE OF WRITING DOWN MY STORY, I HAD TO GO DOWN MEMORY LANE, SO I OPENED MY OLD DIARIES (THOSE WHICH SURVIVED). I USED TO KEEP A DIARY FOR EVERY „TOPIC“ OR PERSON THAT HAD A BIG IMPACT ON MY LIFE. I STILL DO THIS UP TO THIS DAY‚JOURNALING REALLY KEEPS ME SANE. READING THEM BACK NOWAND BEING ABLE TO SO VIVIDLY

REMEMBER ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED, MAKES ME WONDER HOW FAR HAVE I REALLY COME, HOW DOES ALL THIS STILL FEEL SO FRESH?

I EVEN FOUND A LIST OF „THINGS I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH WHEN I BECOME A GROWN-UP“ AND NUMBER 3 ON THAT LIST IS „PUBLISH A SELF-WRITTEN BOOK“. I MUST HAVE BEEN ELEVEN OR TWELVE YEARS OLD WHEN I WROTE THAT DOWN AND SEEING THAT RIGHT NOW IN WRITTEN FORM REALLY MOTIVATES ME TO WORK THROUGH THESE HIDDEN LAYERS OF MY STORY AND UNPACK MY TRAUMA TO BRING IT ALL TOGETHER IN ONE COMPILED PIECE OF WORK: MY FIRST OWN BOOK.

I OWE IT TO MY YOUNGER SELF. I WROTE A LOT ABOUT HEARTBREAK, ABOUT FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD AND THE DISAPPOINTMENT FROM FRIENDSHIPS WHICH I THOUGHT WERE MORE THAN WHAT THEY ACTUALLY WERE.

GROWING OLDER INTO MY TEEN YEARS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE HOW I GLIDED IN AND OUT OF DEPRESSION BUT I NEVER CALLED IT THAT BECAUSE BACK THEN I DIDN’T KNOW THE MEANING OF THAT WORD YET WHICH MADE IT THAT MUCH WORSE FOR ME AT THE TIME. IJUST FELT BROKEN. USELESS. AND UNDESERVING OF LOVE.

NOTHING MATTERED. I WAS NOT IN MY BODY… I WAS LIKE A GHOST OF MYSELF. FOR WEEKS I WOULD COMPLETELY ISOLATE MYSELF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND STAY TO MYSELF, WHICH WILL BE HARD TO IMAGINE FOR THOSE WHO „KNOW“ ME BECAUSE I’D BE DESCRIBED AS A „PEOPLE’S PERSON“ AND NORMALLY EVEN I WOULD SUBSCRIBE TO THAT. WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE TIMES WHEN MY DARKNESS, HOW I CALL IT, OVERCOMES ME. IT HAPPENS SUDDENLY AND USUALLY WITHOUT WARNING OR ANY BIG EVENT TRIGGERING IT AND THEREFORE BEING COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED.

I HAD PLENTY OF THOSE TIMES DURING MY SCHOOL YEARS. I HATED GOING TO SCHOOL, NOT REALLY BECAUSE OF STUDYING OR ANYTHING – BUT BECAUSE OF THE PEOPLE THERE. THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL I WENT TO WAS IN A SMALL TYPICALLY GERMAN SUBURB WITH ME BEING ONE OF THE FIVE GIRLS OF COLOR IN THE ENTIRE SCHOOL (NEXT TO MY YOUNGER ((WAY LIGHTER)) SISTER, TWO ADOPTED DARKER MELANATED SISTERS FROM BRAZIL AND MY BEST FRIEND WHO GREW TO BECOME MY SISTER, A VIETNAMESE GIRL). I ALWAYS FELT LIKE AN OUTCAST AND AS IF I DID NOT BELONG.

I went through several racist instances, from name-calling on the bus to a group of kids holding me down in gym class, rubbing magnesium powder in my face „so I can finally be white“.

I WAS ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO BE LIKED BY EVERYBODY SO BEING SHUT OUT AND GETTING TEASED FELT LIKE A CONSTANT PUNISHMENT. I CRIED A LOT AND KEPT ASKING MYSELF „WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?“ AND THE ONLY ONE IN MY CORNER WAS MY VIETNAMESE FRIEND WHO BASICALLY GOT THE SAME TREATMENT. BUT WE NEVER REALLY SPOKE ABOUT HOW WE FELT, AT LEAST NOT IN DETAIL. IJUST LEARNED TO BECOME TOUGHER AND WHEN IT WAS TIME TO GO TO SECONDARY SCHOOL I WAS EQUIPPED WITH A WHOLE NEW „DON’T FUCK WITH ME“ ATTITUDE. I BECAME SO (FAKE) CONFIDENT THAT NO ONE EVEN DARED TO TEST ME AND WHEN THEY DID I’D BE QUICK TO GO OFF. I WAS NOT SHY TO HIT ANYBODY EITHER SO PEOPLE REALLY DID NOT MESS WITH ME (OPENLY).

I’D STILL CRY BEHIND CLOSED DOORS BECAUSE I KNEW I HAD NO REAL FRIENDS EITHER. MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND COULD NOT FOLLOW ME TO THIS SCHOOL BECAUSE IN GERMANY TEACHERS DECIDE AFTER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHETHER YOU CAN GO TO THE HIGHER EDUCATION SCHOOL WHICH

WILL EVENTUALLY OPEN THE DOORS TO UNIVERSITY TO YOU OR IF THEY THINK YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF IN A SCHOOL THAT ENDS EARLIER AND THAT LEADS TO „SIMPLER PROFESSIONS“ AND TRADES.

IN THE BEGINNING, I STILL RAN BEHIND THE OTHER KIDS TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS BUT AFTER A WHILE, I JUST STAYED TO MYSELF. THERE WAS THIS GROUP OF BULLY BOYS WHO CONSTANTLY MADE FUN OF ME BASICALLY FOR BEING DIFFERENT – THE ONLY „FOREIGN-LOOKING“ GIRL. NOBODY REALLY STOPPED THEM UNTIL ONE DAY, THIS GIRL IN MY CLASS DEFENDED ME IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY WHO THEN EVENTUALLY BECAME MY NEW BEST FRIEND AND CLOSEST ALLY. WE WERE VERY DIFFERENT AND COULDN’T RELATE TOO MUCH TO EACHOTHER BUT SHE WAS A TRUE FRIEND AND MADE SCHOOL A LITTLE MORE ENJOYABLE.

I always daydreamed about life after school, how I would move away, I wanted to live the „good life“ in America like the girls from „The Hills“.

I KNOW THIS IS AN EMBARRASSING METAPHOR BUT IN MY VILLAGE, THE INTERNET WAS SO SLOW THAT IT WOULD NOT EVEN LOAD A YOUTUBE MUSIC VIDEO, SO ALL I HAD WERE THE DVD’S THAT I WOULD BUY FROM THE BIG STORE WHICH WAS SIMILAR TO WALMART IN AMERICA. I HAD ALL THE DVD’S FROM OC CALIFORNIA, TO GOSSIP GIRL (…) BUT THE MOVIES THAT REALLY INFLUENCED ME WERE THE ONES THAT SHOWED „BLACK AMERICAN HIP HOP CULTURE“ – NOW THAT WAS SOMETHING I COULD IDENTIFY WITH. MOVIES LIKE „STREETSTYLE YOU GOT SERVED“, „HONEY“ OR EVEN OLD SCHOOL ONES LIKE „LOVE AND BASKETBALL“ AND „SAVE THE LAST DANCE” – THEY WERE ALL PART OF MY COLLECTION. IT WAS LIKE A WINDOW TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD THAT SEEMED SO FARAWAY FROM ME.

THE PEOPLE IN MY VILLAGE OR SCHOOL WERE SO DIFFERENT FROM ME, I’M NOT SOCIALLY AWKWARD AT ALL, I CAN ACTUALLY CONNECT WITH ANYBODY THAT I WANT TO, BUT I JUST DIDNOT WANT TO AFTER A WHILE. MOST WEREJUST SO PLAIN AND BORING TO ME. MAJORITY OF MY FRIENDS LIVED IN THE BIGGER CITIES, MEANING THAT I ALWAYS NEEDED MONEY FOR THE TRAIN TO VISIT BECAUSE THEY BARELY MADE IT TO MY LITTLE BORING VILLAGE AND I CAN’T BLAME THEM. I REMEMBER ONE OF MY HAPPIEST DAYS BEING MY l8TH BIRTHDAY WHEN MY GRANDFATHER AND I WENT TO THE DMV EARLY IN THE MORNING TO PICK UP MY DRIVERS LICENSE AND COMING HOME TO THE BEST PRESENT EVER: MY GRANDMOTHER GIFTED ME THEIR OLD (BUT BARELY EVER USED) CAR WHICH BECAME MY TICKET TO FREEDOM.

I MADE MORE AND MORE FRIENDS, PEOPLE WHO WERE ALSO PART OF „THE CULTURE“ AND ALL WE WANTED TO DO WAS „PARTY PARTY PARTY“, STARTING THURSDAYS AND GOING STRAIGHT UNTIL MONDAY MORNINGS. I WAS INFATUATED WITH THE NIGHTLIFE WHICH WAS ALL ABOUT „BEING SEEN“, LIGHTS AND „BLING“. WE HAD A LOT OF „AMERICAN CLUBS“ AROUND DUE TO THE MANY US ARMY BASES IN THE AREA AND THOSE CLUBS WERE WHERE IT WAS AT. LIFE FINALLY BEGAN FEELING A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT WHAT I HAD SEEN IN THOSE MOVIES.

I glowed up. But I also become more obsessed with my looks. I started dressing more provocatively, I attracted a lot of male attention and I loved it.

GUYS WERE SO THIRSTY TO TALK TO ME AND IT FELT EMPOWERING TO ME, LIKE FINALLY I SEEMED TO BE THE ONE IN CONTROL. I HAD JUST BROKEN UP WITH MY FIRST LOVE (WHO I WILL TALK ABOUT LATER AS WELL) AND WANTED TO TASTE FREEDOM.

T