My Name Is Philippa E-Book

Philippa Ryder

• Herausgeber: Mercier Press
• Kategorie: Sachliteratur, Reportagen, Biografien
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Beschreibung

My Name is Philippa: A Transgender Memoir of Love, Understanding and Transformation. Experience a heart-changing journey with Philippa Ryder as she transitions from male to female with the support of her family. This powerful and moving story explores the physical and emotional process of transitioning and provides answers to common questions about being transgender—a must-read for anyone seeking to understand and support the global movement towards gender freedom and empowerment.

Leseprobe

Dedication

For Helen and Jenny. Of course.

MERCIER PRESS

3B Oak House, Bessboro Rd

Blackrock, Cork, Ireland.

www.mercierpress.ie

www.twitter.com/MercierBooks

www.facebook.com/mercier.press

Cover design by Sarah O’Flaherty

©Philippa Ryder, 2021

Epub ISBN: 978 1 78117 794 5

This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

Printed and bound in the EU.

Acknowledgements

(In no particular order)

Thank you to Helen Ryder; Jennifer Ryder; Thomas E.L. Bayne; Isabelle Dempsey; Bernie and Grazyna Baldwin; Theresa and Ian S. Lee; Angela and Bill Lewis; Peter Baldwin; Shirley and Michael Cooke; Declan Brennan; Caroline Kennedy; Margaret Moran; Noreen Monahan; David and Nicola McConnell; John Kerr; Natalie Conroy; Sara R. Phillips; Gloria Jameson; Victoria Mullen; Dermot McCarthy; Gillian Fagan; Aileen McHugh; Jean Murray; Tom Brosnahan; Collette McNulty; Enda Brennan, Emma Brent; Orla Daly; Pauric Hopkins; Damien Gorman; Ian O’Neill; Leagh West; Gerry Cleary, Mary Noonan, Aideen Lyons; Caroline Barry; Lorraine Coghlan; Karen Gray; Fiona McNeill; Audrey Dunne and all in the Property Registration Authority; Louise Flynn; Aideen Collard; Nicole Bork; Aidan Walsh; Roland Hempel; John McAree; Karina Murray and all at Sporting Pride; Catalyst McIlroy; Ulrika Westerlund; Richard Kohler; Julia Ehrt; Anna Kristjánsdóttir; Leslie Hurd; John Kenny; Brynn Craffey; Sthirabandhu, Colm Nicell and all the cast and crew at Under the Clock; Deanna Alexandria; Fiona Armstrong Astley; John Reeve; Penny Smith; Judith Finlay; Kate Drinane; Adam Egan; Peter and Karen White; Dr Edel McAteer; Phil Thomas; James Bellringer; Katherine Zappone; Tara Flynn; Ryan Tubridy – and many, many others including everyone in Transgender Equality Network Ireland, Transgender Europe, BeLonGTo and LGBT Ireland.

Over the past few years I have presented elements of this story to the management and staff of many companies and government departments. Thank you all for your support and encouragement, it meant a lot to me.

Support Organisations

Transgender Equality Network Ireland www.teni.ie

BeLonGTo www.belongto.org

LGBT Ireland www.lgbt.ie

Under the Rainbow www.undertherainbow.ie

Other links may be found on the websites of the organis- ations listed above.

Foreword

Katherine E. Zappone1

My Name is Philippa offers every reader a story that will change their heart. So be prepared, even with a mind open enough to hear Philippa’s story, to feel altered by the palpable love that fills these pages. As she herself proclaims in the opening line, ‘This is primarily a love story’. Philippa’s honesty, motivated by exceptional courage and commitment to truth, adds a very significant narrative to the construction of the ongoing unfolding of being human.

I feel very privileged to write some words that come before Philippa’s. Over the past decade she, and her remarkable wife Helen and beautiful daughter Jenny, have helped me to understand more than most others what it means to be trans in our world today. For this, I will always be grateful. Especially – though not only – because they helped me to understand this as a public representative, as one who made law and policy, as one who held public power. Politicians need to know how people who are different from them experience the world and are impacted by cultural and social conditions, so that they are better equipped to make law and policy for everyone, not just the elite few.

It was 2012 – almost a decade ago.

The small meeting room in Leinster House 2000 Building was a bit stuffy. Or, maybe it just felt like that because I was preparing for my next meeting with an advocate from the trans community and I was nervous. Ireland had no gender recognition law at the time, and as a senator I felt obliged to do something about that.

In walks Helen Ryder. She came to speak on behalf of herself, her partner Philippa and their daughter Jenny. Helen proceeded to tell me a little of their story – the fullness of which is now reflected in these magnificent pages. What struck me most about that encounter were three things. Firstly, that Helen loved Philippa – both as the man she married and as the trans woman Philippa became. Secondly, not only did she insist that the law must recognise her partner for who she is, but that it must also allow them to remain married. Thirdly, they were both committed to whatever it would take to raise their daughter Jenny with love, and the safety and security she would need to withstand the eyes and tongues of those who would not understand, nor accept.

Today, Ireland is a transformed culture because of Philippa, Helen and Jenny. The book you are about to read outlines much of why this is the case. It offers answers to many questions people ask, genuinely, to understand. It describes the physical as well as emotional process of transition. There is something, however, that is of equal if not greater significance and it is the following.

While every trans person’s story is different (as is everyone’s story about their gender or sexual identity) the life of Philippa as she tells it – the private thoughts she had over the early years – now public; the difficult and wrenching conversations she had with Helen – now so impressive in the way she bares these exchanges; and the endearing quality of honest and direct conversations with Jenny, especially as Philippa comes out to her daughter, hold universal meaning and appeal.

‘Can I still call you daddy? asks Jenny. ‘Of course, baby,’ responds Philippa, ‘as long as you want.’

A parent’s love, a daughter’s love never looked more beautiful.

I write from a land where its leader, after his first one hundred days in office, said the following to a joint session of Congress and the Senate:

To all the transgender Americans watching at home—especially the young people who are so brave—I want you to know that your President has your back. (Joe Biden, 29 April 2021).

Philippa’s life, in Dublin, Ireland ripples across the Atlantic, travels through time and, through this publication, joins the global march to freedom and empowerment for every gendered human being. She voices truth out of silence, courage through fear, and joy by following the horizon she sees.

We owe Philippa, Helen and Jenny a great debt. It is a privilege to add my voice in expression of gratitude to who they are individually and together.

I want to thank them for how they help us to become the new Ireland, and indeed the brave new world that we all so desperately need.

Katherine E. Zappone

16 May 2021

International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia

New York City

Introduction

This is primarily a love story. It would not have been possible without the support of so many people, foremost amongst them of course my wife Helen and daughter Jenny whose love and support sustained me through some very difficult and challenging periods in our lives. I quite literally owe them my life.

It is a story of privilege. My journey was made all the more possible by acceptance of me by key friends and work colleagues but also by the fact that, although I started questioning my gender at an early age, I was fortunate to have a loving family and some close friends in my teenage years, then a secure job and an ever-supportive wife. Many, many trans people do not have those advantages and I am in awe of those who manage to succeed despite the incredible challenges we as a community face.

It is also an extremely personal story. I don’t live my life in black and white, I always seek colour, embracing difference and new experiences. We only get one go at life and I try to live it to the full. There are no holds barred within these pages, every incident is true and very little has been glossed over and then only because to include certain details might distress or embarrass others. It is not my intention in any way to hurt and I hope the reader can understand the choices I have made. Some names have been changed to protect identities, but the basic elements of the incidents remain true. I encourage you to approach this story with an open mind and not judge. We all face challenges in our lives, some more than others. Read these words and try to understand.

I hope that the authenticity in my memoir will show through and the reader will learn of the difficult choices those in the trans community may have to make as we find the path to our true selves. The journey of every trans person is different and mine is just one of many possible paths. None of these paths are the ‘correct’ path, each is appropriate to the individual and I hope you, the reader, will bear this in mind as you navigate the joy and sadness of my specific journey of discovery.

My close friend Declan suggested that I write this memoir. Despite my comment that ‘apart from the obvious, what else has happened in my life?’ he encouraged me to start putting words on a page and some 250,000 words later I agreed that, just possibly, I had enough to submit to a publisher. A lunch with a good friend, Tara Flynn, resulted in me submitting an early draft to Mercier Press and I was delighted to be formally accepted by them last year. The manuscript has been cut, trimmed and tweaked down to what you hold in your hands now. I am honoured to be able to publish this and my editors in Mercier have been wonderful, giving me extensions to deadlines when the writing became too emotional for me. It is a labour of love and many tears were shed in the writing. It was as cathartic as I had hoped and to some degree at least serves as closure for my journey.

Some terms used were appropriate to my knowledge at the time and I have kept that usage here to allow the reader to come with me on my journey of discovery. Terminology in any field changes over time and within the LGBTQ+ field, specifically the transgender (or trans as I have used it throughout) area.

There are sections within these pages that may trigger or upset some readers. If you are affected by anything, please reach out to any of the support groups or organisations listed after the acknowledgments. There has been a lot of progress in the LGBTQ+ field in the past ten years since I began writing this book and some of the situations and challenges I faced are no longer an issue, though there are many new hurdles.

Read this book and learn of the overwhelming joy tinged with the sadness of my life as I attempted to find my true self. I hope you enjoy it.

Philippa Ryder

1

The Skirt

Age: 0–16

It was a lovely early summer’s afternoon in 1977. I was planning a trip to my best friend later and had some school homework to finish. I was 16, a teenage boy whose mind was full of the usual teenage worries and concerns. But unknown to everyone, in the wardrobe in my room, carefully hidden, was a plastic bag containing two small skirts.

The first inkling I had of having any sort of feminine feelings happened at a family picnic when I was ten. My aunt, handing me a slice of chocolate cake, remarked on how it looked like I was wearing eye shadow. I was horrified, not knowing really at that point what eye shadow was and I blushed as everyone laughed. It stuck in my mind and may have been a portent of what was to come.

I found myself at home alone one afternoon and the incident that was to define my life from that point forward occurred: My mother and sister had gone to visit relations and my father was at work. We lived in a large semi-detached house in a newly developed estate in Dundrum in south Dublin.

I felt mischievous, wondering what I could do to annoy my sister while she was out. I skipped up the stairs, listening to John Lennon singing ‘You, you may say I’m a dreamer, But I’m not the only one’ on the kitchen radio, permanently tuned to RTÉ. The smells of summer wafted through the open windows and I wandered towards my sister’s bedroom, grinning. There was a close bond between us, and I, the older brother, never felt that the five-year gap in age mattered. I liked being with her, playing and teasing, sometimes being too rough (I punched her playfully on the nose once, just to see her reaction, earning – justifiably – a furious reaction from my father who stopped my pocket money that week, something that was quietly rectified by my mother). Despite our regular arguments, I always wanted to be there for her.

My mind was wandering and flitting between many other teenage thoughts as I opened the door to her room. Looking into the small, tidy bedroom I saw something on the neatly made bed. A skirt. A normal, ordinary school skirt, slightly fraying around the hem. No doubt it would be thrown out at the end of the school year – there was no possibility of our mother allowing one of her children out looking less than perfect. The simple tartan pattern, signifying St Philomena’s Catholic Girls School in south Dublin, was like most of the designs for local schools, usually the only noticeable difference was the colour. Or so it appeared to me, not the most observant at the best of times.

Something drew me to it. An urge rose within me. I felt my heart race. ‘Boys don’t wear skirts’, I thought, em- barrassed, and closed the door. But I couldn’t move away. The desire wouldn’t leave me. It was wrong. It was stupid. I was a boy and boys didn’t wear skirts. My hand was still on the door handle and something was urging me to turn it. I pushed slightly and the door swung open. I walked over and picked up the skirt.

I slipped it over my slim hips. It was very tight, obviously not my size at all and I worried about splitting it. But it felt nice, natural, and I enjoyed the sensation of it on my bare legs as I walked around the room. Wrong. It felt wrong. Did it? I was confused and upset yet I just didn’t want to take it off. My emotions swirled and spun like the skirt as I moved. I caught myself in the small silver mirror on the wardrobe and, just for a brief moment, replaced the reflected image of the teenage boy with that of a girl. I almost allowed myself imagine …

I picked the skirt up from the floor a few minutes later from where I had flung it in embarrassment and replaced it carefully on the bed. What had I been thinking of? Just a moment of madness I told myself, shaking my head before I went back downstairs.

Yet from that point on I would open the door to my younger sister’s and mother’s rooms and carefully look through their skirts and dresses. The act upset me, as every time I knew it was invading their privacy. It was a horrible thing to do, even if they didn’t know. I was careful to replace everything perfectly. The pretty dresses and skirts drew me to them, the feminine shapes and colours were irresistible, they seemed to speak to the core of my being.

I wasn’t outwardly effeminate during my school days. The long hair I had was typical of the time, even in the Christian Brothers secondary school I attended and other- wise my ‘uniform’ was jeans and a t-shirt. Although I had plenty of school friends who were boys, I never enjoyed being in a group with them, feeling that the pack mentality brought out the worst in them and I preferred the company of just one or two close friends. From an early age I was naturally attracted to the girls in my neighbourhood who seemed to accept me, to some degree at least, into their circle. Even at an early age perhaps others did sense a difference within me. The boys’ changing rooms in school before the weekly physical education sessions had always been an uncomfortable place for me as I was very self-conscious of my developing adolescent male body, unwilling to strut and parade like others. On occasion, this was noticed and I would be made fun of. ‘Ooohh what are you hiding?’ one of the class jokers might say. I did my best to ignore them.

What was it that pushed me to slip on a skirt or blouse? As I matured, I found the feelings it brought out in me were confusing and upsetting to me. I became excited and happy, and for a few minutes my mind, usually racing ahead to think of girls, food, reading, school or any of a million other subjects, was at ease and calm. What did it mean?

Most nights I would slip a skirt over my hips and enjoy the feelings it engendered. Then, I would feel frustrated and get into bed below the posters of Farrah Fawcett and Kate Bush on the ceiling – my dream girls.

Falling into a fitful sleep I thought about the many times I agonised about my desire, the times I had hated myself for these feelings and for secretly trying on my sister’s or mother’s clothes. Yet I couldn’t stop. It felt as if an important part of me was being expressed in those brief moments. Despite promising myself time and time again that I wouldn’t dress again, I knew I would. Years later I discovered that one of my heroes, David Bowie, had also spent many evenings in his bedroom agonising over who he really was, developing a different persona almost every week. An agony I was experiencing myself.

Why couldn’t I dress in what seemed right for me? If I wanted to show a feminine side who would it bother, really? Me putting on a skirt or even a dress was hardly going to cause an international crisis. Yet if the sensationalist media was to be believed there could be nothing worse than cross- dressing or, even worse in their eyes, being gay.

I wasn’t going to discuss any of these feelings or desires with my parents who would have disapproved. As issues arose at the dinner table I already realised the differences in our attitudes. It wasn’t me rebelling, it was a different viewpoint – they were intolerant of diversity, of standing out. Even at the dinner table we were told to keep our voices low in case the neighbours overheard. The neighbours. Were people that curious about the goings-on in our household to be listening to every word? I doubted that and anyway, who cared? I was discovering that I enjoyed being with people who challenged my views. I was determined that in the unlikely event that I had children I would encourage them to be themselves. I felt if I let my little secret out, I would be out – of the house and probably their lives. No, difference and diversity were not accepted. So I hid my dressing very, very carefully from everybody.

2

To boldly go ...

Age: 17–21

I woke on a bright winter’s afternoon, late as usual, after a night of reading and listening to music. I was being called for dinner on 1 January 1978. I was almost seventeen and I had tossed and turned through the small hours of the morning, thinking about what the New Year might bring. School was becoming increasingly challenging, but I wasn’t too stressed. I had a nice ‘new’ electric typewriter (fished out of an office supply firm’s skip by some friends for me) to feed my rapidly developing interest in writing.

My passion for science fiction was the only outward thing in my life that was in any way different to many other boys of my age. I had not been tempted into drink, drugs or even sexual encounters with girls (or boys). I either had no interest or I lacked the courage. My middle-class life was interesting enough – safe, happy and content. Mostly.

At the dinner table downstairs were my father, mother and sister. Dad was a stressed-out insurance broker who nonetheless always found time for me, bringing me to my first music concert, showing an interest in my hobbies (at that time science fiction, stamps and chess), girlfriends (I had none) and trying to get me interested in sport. He teased me regularly and knew exactly which buttons to press to get me annoyed, taking a great pleasure in it.

His family history was interesting – he came from a line of gunsmiths and shoemakers, a mix of Protestants and Catholics from Shankill, Co. Dublin and Askeaton, Co. Limerick. But as we grew up there was little or no discussion of the Protestant side, our family at that stage being quite nationalist and Catholic.

My eleven-year old sister was developing into a very strong woman already and I sensed she would soon outgrow the need for me as the protective big brother I had been. It was a role I would miss. She played an important part in my life, introducing me to Radio Luxembourg and opening my eyes to a whole new world of music. I wondered how our relationship would change as we matured, and I hoped we would continue to be close.

As I opened the wardrobe to get a pair of jeans and t-shirt before descending to the kitchen I saw the small bag containing my secret skirts. I placed a school bag on top of it, away from my mother’s prying eyes.

Mum’s bedroom was a haven of femininity with small bottles of perfume and jars of night cream on the dressing table, a testament to the care she took in her appearance and movie star looks. The family rumour was that she had met James Dean and had even been asked out by him – or so the story went. As I looked through the array of beautiful ball gowns in the wardrobes and imagined her twirling in her heels with her style and grace at a dinner dance, I knew the story had to be true. My mother always looked perfect leaving the house on a Friday or Saturday evening for a dinner dance or a show, the scent of her perfume filling the hall and landing.

Her family descended from strong Catholic farming backgrounds – the McNamaras of Ardree in Kildare and the Greenes and Rafterys of Ballinlough in Roscommon. Her father had been a city bus driver and as a young child I loved hearing his amusing stories of difficult and argu- mentative passengers.

There were the usual light-hearted arguments at dinner and I was glad to finish, escaping the inevitable grilling about Star Trek and ‘that pointy-eared bloke’ and I hopped on my bike for the quick cycle to my best friend’s house. Cycling always energised me and even the steep hill by the police station in Dundrum along the road that I also took to school didn’t bother me. Chess, science fiction and computers were the nerdy subjects that we talked about for the few hours we were together. I thought of my other classmates and what they probably thought of me and smiled. Did I care? No. I felt different, had always felt different, and had learned to cope with my feelings by stay- ing positive and thinking of the future.

Declan and I met when he moved from a primary school in Kilmacud to my school, St Benildus, at the start of the first year of secondary school. I had just discovered chess and was delighted to find that the school had a chess club. The maths teacher encouraged me to join and the friendly rivalry between Declan and I began, he quickly claiming the number one board on the school team, a position I could only dream of. As the friendship developed, we discovered more common interests, in science and science fiction especially. He quickly became my closest friend, our relationship surpassing any of the friendships I had until that point. I enjoyed the challenges in our conversations, feeling I could discuss almost anything with him. Almost anything.

One of our common favourites was the science fiction author Isaac Asimov who talked about science fiction fans in his books. A few years later I discovered the Irish Science Fiction Association and my involvement in science fiction fandom began.

Science fiction and music were the bedrock of my life then. My bedroom walls and ceiling were covered in posters. Farrah Fawcett’s ‘swimsuit’ poster – look it up! – was my pride and joy and was the most visible sign to my mother that I was developing an interest in girls. A powerful hi-fi system nestled in amongst the book and record shelves ensured regular complaints emanated from downstairs: ‘Turn the music down Brendan!’

The Irish Science Fiction Association had a major in- fluence on me and following a couple of meetings I became involved in the organisation. This was a frustrating part of my nature as I got older as I don’t seem able to just enjoy something, I have to be in the thick of organising.

***

I was busy with membership forms and sign in sheets when I glanced up to see a slightly built, attractive teenager walk through the door of the third floor room of the Parliament Inn on Parliament Street where we held the meetings. Despite his age (he was a few years younger than me), Colum was very wise to the world. He immediately made an impact in any crowd, exhibiting confidence, ease and humour, fitting in with a quirky, cheeky charm. All of which I was lacking.

We quickly became friends, discovering a mutual love of music. Well actually it was more that he discovered my love of music for me. We would go on regular trips around the second-hand record shops and he had endless recom- mendations – ‘You’ll love this group Bren’, he would say and almost always be right. Before meeting Colum my musical knowledge was limited to the charts, Radio Luxembourg or whatever LPs my parents had.

But following my break-up with my first serious girl- friend a few weeks earlier, Colum saw my distress and asked me to meet him in Bewley’s Oriental Café in Grafton Street, a Dublin institution. ‘Just for something different,’ he said. Our Saturday afternoons were usually a mixture of wandering around a few record shops and having a coffee to look at our purchases. Colum would also have made some tapes of albums he recommended for me and I almost always liked them. Colum carefully and painstakingly wrote the album name, artist and track titles on the tape sleeve. He was very careful in everything he did, and thoughtful too. A good friend if a little odd and I was beginning to think that odd was good. Never the most rebellious I felt it was almost my duty as a teenager to rebel or challenge in some way – I would let the side down otherwise.

‘So why did you want to meet here Colum?’ I asked looking around at the stained-glass windows and eyeing the pastries and cakes laid out on the little stands and the waitresses in their black and white uniforms.

‘I liked it last time I was here. Anyway, I wanted to have a chat to you, to tell you something. And I thought you might like a break from thinking about that girl!’

I gave a wry smile and nodded. ‘Damn, was it that obvious? I just can’t stop thinking about her. I just don’t understand why she broke up with me.’

‘She was too young, and a bit full of herself, I think. But hey you had your first proper girlfriend. Anyway, I’ve just broken up with someone too …’ I looked surprised.

‘Really? I didn’t know you were seeing someone. Is she someone I know?’

‘Eh, no, he’s not.’

‘Oh,’ I said awkwardly. Silence. ‘Oh. So you’re gay,’ I whispered.

Colum laughed and said, ‘Yes, did you not guess?’

‘Well, no. I’ve never met anyone gay before, didn’t know what to look for! Wow! this is a surprise.’

‘No, I did have a girlfriend a while back, but it didn’t last, I just wasn’t interested. I do enjoy flirting with girls though! So how do you feel about it? And how do you know you haven’t met anyone gay apart from me? It’s not like we have a big pink badge saying GAY on us!’

‘It doesn’t bother me, as long as it’s what you want Colum, I’m happy for you.’

As we chatted more, quietly in the noisy café, my mind was spinning. I felt an increasing urge to tell Colum my own secret, but what would I tell him? That I sometimes put on a skirt? No, I was genuinely happy for Colum. My brief interludes of slipping on a skirt were unimportant. After all, nothing was going to come of it unless I was discovered and my world disintegrated in embarrassment and shame.

We left the busy café to join the crowds on Grafton Street and as I glanced at the faces of people, most smiling, some harried, a few obviously upset I thought back to Colum’s words and wondered: ‘How many of you are gay? And how many of you have a secret like mine?’

Colum’s revelation had surprised me and each time we went out together, for a party, to a concert or just to browse in record shops, I felt the urge to tell him about my occasional dressing. I needed to know what these feelings meant. Would Colum know? I didn’t feel I could broach the subject with anyone else, being led to the conclusion, by the media and any comments from my parents, that men trying on women’s clothes had to be gay. And freaks. Abnormal. I felt very uncomfortable every time a stereo- typically gay man appeared on television, avoiding any comment when my parents expressed their disgust. And if there was ever anything about cross-dressing in the newspapers I discreetly devoured the article, terrified of being caught reading the story. Of course, it was more exposé than informative. Typical headlines: Shocked wife ‘I caught my husband wearing my dress – is he gay?’ Always the link between cross-dressing and being gay. The ‘expert’ replying usually wrote how some men felt a need to cross-dress at some stage, that it was nothing to worry about and was just a phase. If that was true for me then the ‘phase’ was lasting a long time, as I had been dressing in my sister’s uniforms or my mother’s dresses since I was eleven or twelve. I couldn’t accept that I might be gay, though in later years I would explore my sexuality a lot and eventually come to realise that I was bisexual, or that the gender of the person I might be attracted to was irrelevant. However at that time I had close male friends and never felt any attraction to them, my interest was always in my female friends who for some reason seemed to treat me as one of their own, talking about their boyfriends, their clothes or even make-up when I was around. I felt confused and increasingly distressed. As Colum and I walked down the busy Dublin streets I would sometimes gaze at the clothes displays in the shop windows, imagining myself in the latest women’s fashions, hoping that Colum might see me looking, ask me why and that I might have the nerve to tell him. And if we sat in a coffee shop I would find myself staring at the women, attracted to them in different ways, longing for their figures, their style and their confidence.

Passing the female bathrooms I would hear laughter, see women emerging looking glamorous, amazing, full of energy and life. How my teenage self longed to experience the joys of that magical place. How different to the male bathrooms I imagined and I often considered the chasm between the two sexes as society saw it at that time – Man: hard, making money, fighting wars, drinking beer and telling lewd jokes. Woman: gentle, soothing, healing, glamour, charm and beauty. I knew on which side of the chasm I yearned to be.

Colum rang me one evening to invite me to see Hawk- wind, an experimental heavy rock group, something dif- ferent for us. He arrived in the latest jeans, a tight t-shirt and a stylish haircut. He looked great and was attracting quite a few admiring looks which he was clearly enjoying. I was basking in his reflected glory and not minding. Much. We teased each other as we made our way through the lines of people towards the stage, anxious to get the best view of one of the leading groups of the era.

A couple of hours later as the music died away and we left the arena I was convinced that my ears were bleeding from the volume, not really believing that I hadn’t burst my eardrums. Colum was ahead of me and I could see how he was becoming more and more ‘camp’ as he became more comfortable and confident with his sexuality. As we walked through the venue, I was surprised at how blatantly he looked at some of the guys. I found it amusing to be with him.

We pushed our way through the crowds outside the venue, gasping for air in the smoky atmosphere. We reached a little haven by a pillar and Colum started to look around. ‘Oh, he’s cute’, he said, looking at someone who must have been twenty-five, ancient to our eyes. But a very attractive girl joined the object of Colum’s desire and they disappeared into the night.

‘Don’t look now but there’s a guy looking you up and down,’ said Colum. ‘It’s the long hair, it’s very attractive and maybe they think you’re a girl!’

Did he see me blush when he made the comment? Did he guess? I felt excited and curious, my mind raced at the thought. I was aching to turn and look. But no, I told myself I wasn’t interested. I dismissed it, it was just a joke. Most of the guys at the concert had long hair like mine. Nobody could mistake me for a girl. Could they? And yet deep, deep in the back of my mind was a little curiosity about men. A little part of me enjoyed the attention. A little part of me changed.

***

Some weeks later I made my way to the bar above Dun Laoghaire shopping centre nervously, having convinced my parents I could be trusted. Brighton, the World Science Fiction Convention – indeed the whole planet itself, beck- oned.

My friends from the ISFA were waiting, laughing and planning in the large, smoky room which overlooked Dun Laoghaire harbour. Some publications from the organisation lay spread on the table, being sorted for the world science fiction community. I had suggested to Declan and Colum that perhaps they might like to come too: it would have been an amazing trip for me to have my two best friends along but unfortunately neither could attend.

Some 3,100 fans from all over the world attended the convention, interacting with authors, artists and film- makers and discussing their latest projects. I felt that it was the beginning of my adult life as I discovered the differences and similarities of so many nationalities and I drew comparisons with Ireland and the Irish. I had always been attracted by the future, to the possibilities, and my discovery of science fiction was inevitable. Never the most confident, I found the science fiction community welcoming, a collection of intelligent people that didn’t quite ‘fit in’ to ‘normal’ society, whatever that was. I felt comfortable, accepted and as a committee member of the ISFA I found I got a certain amount of respect and recognition.

The convention showed me so much of what could be achieved, both in my career and in life. My worldview, so narrow and restricted in Ireland, had been broadened hugely. I would never see life in quite the same way again.

The AGM of the ISFA was shortly after Worldcon and I stood for the committee again, this time becoming chairperson as some of the older committee members left after a few years of work. I had more responsibility and continued to edit the newsletter, updating the membership list and organising the meetings.

I had finished school a few months before with an acceptable Leaving Certificate, then took a temporary job while I considered my future, working in a local hardware shop carrying bales of briquettes and stacking shelves. That lasted until one of the bales broke, fell on my toe and in an instant I became convinced that perhaps heavy lifting and hardware stores weren’t the profession for me.

I felt that most people by the time they left school seemed to know exactly what they wanted. I had no real desire to continue my formal education by going to university, not yet anyway, even if I could have obtained a place. I knew I had a passion for learning, thinking of what Asimov had written: ‘The day you stop learning is the day you start decaying’, but I wanted to learn from life, at least for the moment.

Still in the background was my urge to dress. Now that I had a little money from odd jobs I was tempted to risk embarrassment or shame by going to one of the shops on Grafton Street, maybe at a quiet time to buy skirts, a dress or even lingerie, but the fear of discovery held me back. I might pick up something from a charity shop, hide my face as I approached the counter, blushing furiously and feeling like a criminal. Trying it on later in my room brought release, from the tension of daily life, of hiding even from myself. At times I realised I had hardly even seen myself dressed – how would I feel if I saw a boy’s body in a mirror, legs covered in hair, wearing a skirt? Would it cause me to think again, to attempt once again to deny these feelings? As if I hadn’t tried and failed many times before.

What was the difference between me and an alcoholic, a drug user, a sex maniac? The thoughts ricocheted around in my head, sending me at times to the depths of despair. Dressing gave me pleasure and some degree of peace, yes, but the feelings it brought out in me were still confusing. How I would have loved to be able to talk to someone about this. But I felt there was no one.

There was a real incident repeated regularly at this point in my life: I cycle towards Declan’s house and to the large black rubbish bin, placed as usual on a small semi-circular section of path close to a main road, outside a small office complex. Well away from my house or anyone who might know me. I quickly stop the bike and get off, glancing around like someone about to commit a murder. In some ways I was. For in the rucksack were the few feminine possessions I had managed to acquire over the previous year and which I had managed to keep hidden in the bottom of my wardrobe. Today was to be the last day I would ever see them. I was determined to stop dressing. I remembered the feel of the pretty green mini skirt I had rescued from a charity bag, the little black dress which I had ‘forgotten’ to pass on to my sister from a friend, a few other small items which had meant so much to me. All were in that bag. With a sigh I put the treasures carefully in the bin, placing the bag as if it was a loved one who had just passed away.

But of course, the desire, the need didn’t disappear and a little while later I again had a skirt or a blouse hidden away. Just like my dreams, probably never to see the light of day.

Shortly after I left the hardware store and then tried my hand at insurance brokerage I got the opportunity to take a position in the Land Registry (later the Property Registration Authority [PRA]), a safe and secure govern- ment job, very rare in the recession-hit early 1980s. From the outset, I found the civil service everything I expected it to be: bureaucratic, conservative and not a place for the faint-hearted. Thinking about the slightly humorous warn- ings of my father when I was deciding whether or not to take the position I was delighted to see that I had been part of a batch of new recruits, mostly in or around my own age, and we could hang around together without worrying about the older staff. Though my lack of confidence did hold me back a little I was delighted to find other science fiction fans in my department and quickly formed a close friendship with one, Gerry. Our relationship grew and I began to look forward to chatting and arguing about books and music in the relaxed atmosphere of our office. Larry Niven, Arthur C. Clarke, Yes and Genesis formed the basis of our initial discussions and I introduced him to some of the music I was being exposed to by Colum. We also started regular sessions of role-playing games, like Dungeons and Dragons, enticing others in the office to join us from time to time. But the drinking sessions with the guys after work held no attraction for me and again, I knew I was different, uncomfortable in their boisterous and alcohol-driven company. Yet I so enjoyed the time I got to spend chatting to Gerry, in the office, on lunch-breaks, on occasional nights out. I suspected that in time we were likely to become close and I hoped my enthusiasm, my passion for our common interests, wouldn’t prove too much of a strain on our friendship.