One thousand ways to arrive E-Book

Elias J. Connor

• Herausgeber: BookRix
• Kategorie: Sachliteratur, Reportagen, Biografien
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Seitenzahl: 880

Beschreibung

One thousand ways to arrive is the story of the eventful, difficult and dramatic life of the ex-alcoholic Benjamin Foster. It is the story of his goddaughter Crystal, the only one who has accompanied him for years and stands by him. It's the story of his relationship with Jane, an autistic young woman whom he gets to know and love later in life in his new job. It is the story of a deep secret from his past that almost broke Benjamin if these two people didn't exisst. More than once, Benjamin comes up against limits that he never knew before. The author wants to say to all people who have experienced something similar to Benjamin Foster, to all those who are perhaps still under the shadow of their dark past and cannot get out: There are still such honest, selfless and trustworthy people out there as Crystal and Jane. They believe in you. They know you don't have to be afraid. In the social drama One thousand ways to arrive Elias J. Connor tells a life story based on facts that couldn't be more exciting, dramatic or gripping. It is the most difficult book the author has ever written. The real life of Benjamin Foster. Das ist die englische Übersetzung von TAUSEND WEGE BIS ZUR ENDSTATION von Elias J. Connor.

Leseprobe

Elias J. Connor, Sweetie Willow

One thousand ways to arrive

BookRix GmbH & Co. KG81371 Munich

Dedication

For Nadja.

My best friend, source of ideas and muse.

You were there for me in a difficult hour. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

You are the one who made this project possible with your encouragement.

It's the most important book of all I've written to me, and I wrote it for you.

It's great that you're there.

Dark shadows passed, new lights discovered.

Thank you for the fantastic stop, thank you for being there and for allowing me to be there.

For Jana.

Some paths are too far, some walls too high and some borders too insurmountable.

How could i find you

For Liam-Elias.

Arrived in our world.

The one whose life has changed ours and who gives us the strength to continue where we have found our end stations.

Thank you for existing.

Book 1

 Where the mystic rivers end

Prolog

              The wet rain lapped his face. His clothes were dirty and soaked in water. There was a tear in his jeans from which blood oozed. His jacket was open, despite the cold, and hung halfway from his body.

He lay there in the middle of the street, motionless and passed out. His head was in the middle of a large pool of blood that was already coloring his hair red. The blood slowly ran down the curb into a nearby canal.

He didn't move. However, if you looked closer, you could notice that his lips were trembling slightly.

              Another man suddenly dived out of a kiosk not ten paces from where the man was lying. Immediately he grabbed one of his arms and tried to lift it.

" Hello?" He asked. "Can you hear me?" The man didn't respond.

" Hello," said the other man who apparently worked in the kiosk.

              Then he took the cell phone out of his pocket and dialed the emergency number.

" Yes," he said finally into the phone. “I'm just in front of my kiosk near the train station. Here is an unknown man, maybe in his mid to late 30s, injured on the sidewalk. He probably fell and has a fairly serious head injury. He doesn't react when I speak to him. "

" Where are you exactly?" Asked the woman on the other end of the phone.

“ At Buchenstrasse 120 in Solingen,” replied the kiosk owner.

              Then the woman sent out an emergency call and finally turned back to the man.

" Okay," she said. "Is the man already lying on his side?"

The kiosk owner then put the cell phone down and turned the injured man to his side. Then he picked up the phone again.

“ Is he breathing?” The woman wanted to know.

“ Yes,” stated the kiosk owner. “He's passed out, but he's breathing. He's bleeding a lot, can you hurry up, please? "

" We'll be there in two or three minutes, at the latest," said the woman.

              The kiosk owner then ran into his shop and got a towel. He carefully tried to dab the man's bleeding forehead with it. In the meantime, he kept trying to speak to him, but the man showed no reaction.

              A young woman came by who had been watching the scene.

" Have you called the ambulance yet?" She asked. "What happened?"

" He must have fallen," the kiosk owner explained. "Ambulance is on the way."

“ It smells like alcohol,” said the woman.

" Yes," stated the kiosk owner. "I think I remember that a few hours earlier he bought two cans of beer from me."

" Do you know who he is?"

“ He must live near here. I know him by sight, he sometimes goes shopping in my kiosk. "

              The woman then rummaged in the stranger's pocket and found his wallet. But the wallet was completely empty, no papers, no ID and no money either.

" I suspect he was knocked down," the woman finally speculated.

" I don't think so," said the kiosk owner. “To me it looks more like he fell out of the pub. Maybe he couldn't pay there and they kept his papers as a deposit. He seemed already tipsy when he bought beer from me earlier. I think he fell. "

              The woman then tried to take the stranger's pulse.

" Pulse is there," she said. "Very weak, but he's there."

              A little later the ambulance came with a flashing blue light. Hardly arrived, two paramedics got out.

" Hello," said one of them. "Can you hear me? Are you approachable? "

" He's not responding," explained the kiosk owner. "I've already tried."

              While one of the paramedics was tending and disinfecting the wound, the ambulance finally arrived in a separate car. The paramedics prepared a stretcher. "We'll get him into the

Take the hospital with you, ”said one.

The ambulance gave the stranger an IV and at the same time the paramedics put him on the stretcher.

" Pulse?" Said one of them.

“ Weak, but yes,” said the ambulance. “Very weak breathing. Do you know who he is or where he lives? "

“ No, not a clue. The kiosk owner who called us apparently only knows him by sight, ”said the paramedic.

When the stretcher with the injured man was in the car, the ambulance sat back in his car and drove up.

" Okay, we'll notify you when we know more," said one of the paramedics who said goodbye to the kiosk owner and the ambulance drove away.

              In the ambulance, the paramedics connected the stranger to control devices that measured his heartbeat and pulse. The patient still seemed unresponsive and motionless.

One of the paramedics made a note of something on a pad: “12. July 2016. Name: Unknown. Status: Severe head injury, comatose from the influence of alcohol. Possibly internal injuries ”, one could read there.

              The drive to the hospital only took a few minutes. As soon as it arrived, the stretcher with the stranger was taken directly to the intensive care unit, in a room that looked like an operating room. Several doctors came immediately and prepared to treat the severe head injury. The machine to which the patient was connected showed that the heartbeat became slightly weaker and slower.

              Finally, the senior doctor who had been called beforehand also came.

" Name?" He asked.

" Unknown," answered one of the doctors. "Heartbeat irregular, probably a shock, caused by too much alcohol."

              The anesthetist put the patient under anesthesia, and almost at the same time the senior doctor began sewing the wound with several stitches.

" I suspect there are internal injuries," he stated. "Can someone tell me what happened?"

" The man seems to have collapsed on the street," one of the doctors explained to him. "The paramedics say a kiosk owner found him, but we don't know how long he's been there."

" The heartbeat is irregular," said the senior doctor. "We may have to put him in an artificial coma."

              At the same time, a young woman, medium-length, dark-haired and rather petite, maybe eighteen or nineteen years old, entered the hospital and ran excitedly to the reception. Her body seemed to be shaking and some tears ran down her cheeks.

" Is he here? Has he been brought in? ”Asked the woman.

" Calm down," said the receptionist. "Who exactly are you looking for?"

" Benjamin Foster," said the young woman. “He wasn't home when I got there tonight. A man told me that there was someone injured in front of his house. He never leaves his cell phone at home, but it was there when I came ... "

" What's your name?" Asked the hospital employee.

" Jennings," said the woman. “Crystal Jennings. Benjamin is my godfather. "

" Good," said the woman. "Stay calm. I'll check. ”Then the employee took a look at her computer.

“ We only have two deliveries this evening. An elderly woman and a man whose name we don't know. Where does your godfather live? "

" On Buchenstrasse," replied Crystal. "Not far from the train station."

" Well, the stranger who was brought in here earlier ..." she began. "The emergency call was actually made by a kiosk owner on Buchenstrasse."

" Oh, my god," whispered Crystal. “It has to be him. Where is he? Where is he?"

" You can't go in there now," said the clerk. "As far as I am informed, the stranger is in the middle of the operating room."

" I have to see him," said Crystal excitedly. "Can I talk to someone?"

" Not now," replied the employee, almost rudely.

              But Crystal was not dissuaded from trying. Without waiting for approval, she ran down the hall and headed for the elevator.

              She didn't know where to go, but instinctively she was pushing the floor on which the operating room was located.

" Heart?" Asked one doctor.

" Weak," said another.

              The wound was taken care of, but the stranger seemed far worse than they thought.

" Is the blood test done?" Asked the senior doctor.

And at the same time an assistant doctor came in with a letter.

" Heavy alcohol consumption, probably above three per thousand," he said.

" God," said the senior doctor. “Almost nobody survives that. We'll have to put him into a coma. "

" Doctor, there is a young woman outside, " the intern began. "She suspects she knows the stranger."

" She should wait," said the senior doctor while he was preparing an infusion.

              Suddenly the heartbeat of the machine became more and more irregular.

" Cardiac arrhythmia," the doctor stated. "Prepare the defibrillator."

              Two doctors hurriedly turned on the device.

“ Isn't that faster?” Asked the senior doctor.

              And then suddenly there was a monotonous beep from the machine.

" We're losing him," said the senior doctor. "Cardiac arrest. Quick, the defibrillator. "

              The two interns held the ends of the machine together and placed them on the patient's bare chest.

" Now," said the senior doctor. An electric shock.

Nothing. The sound was still monotonous.

" Again!" You use the device a second time.

              Outside, a male nurse came to Crystal and sat with her.

" What happened? Is it him? ”She asked excitedly.

" Well," said the orderly. “We don't know who he is. And it doesn't look good. You are just reviving him. "

" No ..." breathed Crystal. "He mustn't die."

" We don't know for sure whether it is your acquaintance too."

" My uncle," said Crystal. "I no longer have a family, just him."

“ Are you related?” The carer wanted to know.

" No," replied Crystal. “Not related by blood. But he's my godfather. ”She took out the cell phone, which she had brought with her and which had to be his, and showed the carer a photo of her godfather. "That's him. Is that the man who was brought in? "

              The orderly looked at the photo.

" Yes," he said finally. "The picture is identical to the injured person."

" I have to see him," stammered Crystal.

              Then the senior physician came out of the operating room and approached Crystal ...

CHAPTER 1 - GIRL, GIRL

              Stupid. All stupid.

              But I kept my mouth shut. As always. I just stood against this barren, light wall, holding my hands in front of my face. I was dumb because I didn't know any other way. And because I didn't want to say anything.

              The calls from my classmates echoed louder. They came closer and I could hear their laughter.

              Quiet. Eyes closed, hands covered my face. Hear nothing, say nothing, see nothing.

              What was going through my head at that moment - I didn't know. I was scared, yes. But I didn't want to show it. Not because I could feel stronger, but because I couldn't. Because I just hoped that nobody would notice.

              But they noticed.

" Benjamin, the girl!"

              The calls from classmates - they were also the strongest and most popular boys in the class - never stopped.

              When would it finally ring for the first hour? When should I take my seat in the back row at the only single table? Nobody saw me there. Nobody noticed me there.

              They came closer. Time had to stand still. I wanted to catch a glimpse of the clock hanging over the blackboard, but I couldn't turn around. I was paralyzed, just stood there, trembling imperceptibly and trembling with fear.

" Benjamin, you girl!"

" Gay, right?"

" Fagot!"

" Look at her, the poor little one ..."

              The laughter got bigger, got louder. The classmates came closer. You saw it long ago, I knew that. You could also see it from behind. But especially from the beginning.

              Suddenly I felt a brisk hand on my shoulder. Somebody grabbed me. Somebody turned me around.

              My eyes were closed, my face contorted, and I saw nothing. But I heard that loud laugh. It reached my ear unfiltered and made me feel my fear, my despair and my shame even more.

              The look of this boy across from me made my blood run cold when I opened my eyes.

              There were the other children standing around him staring at me. All of them my age - 8 years, some of them maybe 9.

              I wanted to run out. I wanted to run away. But I could not. They stood around me and stared at my white girl's blouse adorned with flowers, which I got specially yesterday - supposedly because I really wanted it.

" Are you a boy or a girl?"

              This sentence from the one girl who was standing right next to me made me cry a few tears.

              Crap. I really didn't want to cry. Now they had done it again. So many times they have made me cry - but now, I think that was the worst moment so far.

              Thank goodness - the doorbell rang before any of the other classmates could say anything. And then the teacher came in.

              I ran to my seat in the back row, wiped my tears away with the back of my hand, and sat in silence.

              The teacher looked at me questioningly. I brushed my shoulder-length dark hair and tried to cover my face with it.

" Benjamin Foster," said the teacher. “Do you have anything else to wear with you? A T-shirt maybe? "

              Silence. Everyone stared at me.

              I shivered, couldn't utter a word. How much shame I could now have plunged into the ground.

              I heard the teacher explain to classmates that it can happen that you accidentally take the wrong piece of clothing out of the closet when you put on your sister, and that this is no reason to laugh at a classmate. I didn't understand exactly what she was saying, but I knew I wouldn't survive the next break.

              The time did not pass. Again and again these looks from the others. Again and again the whispering and whispering. It didn't stop anymore.

              Finally the doorbell rang at the break. Everyone ran out into the school yard. In the end I was alone in class, sitting there and not moving.

" You don't have to be afraid," I heard a voice say to me in a low voice.

              I turned around. But there was no one.

" Don't be afraid, Benjamin Foster," I heard the bright voice.

              Strange - I actually knew most of my classmates by their voices. I often closed my eyes in class, and when someone spoke, I would secretly match their voices in my mind.

              But I've never heard that voice - probably that of a girl - before. Especially since she sounded very nice - because actually none of my classmates talked to me so nicely.

              Hesitantly, I turned around and looked in every corner, but there was no one here.

" Bejnamin," I heard her say again. And shortly afterwards there was a friendly laugh.

" Where are you?" I whispered. "Who are you?"

              The strange girl, still invisible to me, laughed again. But it wasn't laughing at, it was more like the laughing of a child playing.

              Suddenly it was quiet again.

              I heard footsteps. The classroom door opened. I wanted to hide, but the teacher saw me and came over to me next to the table.

" Benjamin, how did it happen that you have a girl's blouse on?"

              I heard her, but I didn't answer. I looked at the ground in shame.

“ You have to change, Benjamin. Don't you really have anything else with you? "

              I shook my head in shame, still looking down on the floor.

" Then please go home," the teacher asked me. "Get a decent T-shirt, put it on and come back afterwards."

              How should I do that? Mother was definitely at home and would know when I came in the door. What should i do? Run away But where?

              I was trembling with fear. Nobody should notice, I thought softly. Nobody should notice it.

              I started running.

              I couldn't tell. The clothes I was supposed to wear were laid out for me every evening, and I always had to wear exactly what was laid out for me in the evening. It's been like that for as long as I could remember. And mother had chosen it, had bought it for me. For some time now she had been saying that I looked a lot better as a girl. And yesterday she made it come true and laid out one of the blouses for me to wear the next day.

              I wanted to be a girl, she always said. My name would actually be Erika. I was actually a girl.

              I walked slowly into the street at the end of which our house was. Trembling, trembling with fear, red in the face with shame, mute, deaf and blind.

CHAPTER 2 - THE SECRET GAME

              The light here in the room was dim. The large flap that covered the cellar window could only be opened because you didn't have to open it all the way. You would have had to open the two big hooks in the wall, and I didn't know how to do it. The lightbulb didn't really illuminate the room either, there was no real light or lamp here.

              I called it play cellar. My sister always said the party room or hobby room - because she has celebrated several parties here with her friends to which she had explicitly never invited me.

              Of course, I didn't celebrate any parties. When I was almost 11 years old, I shouldn't have been allowed to do that anyway.

              Carina was allowed to do so in any case. And she was two years younger than me, so only 9. It doesn't matter. I never really wanted to be at their parties anyway. What they were doing annoyed me somehow. Not that I really knew, but Carina made such hints several times that slow songs were played there and danced very tightly. If you are then in the right mood, you could play some games like spin the bottle or something. And what they did then I didn't want to think about. I found it disgusting one way or another.

              When I was alone here in the basement - like almost every afternoon when Carina had friends with her and I was supposed to leave the apartment so as not to annoy her - then that was MY basement. It was the play room, because I had all my toys hidden behind the huge curtain on the shelf, my stuffed animals, which I received as a very small child, some small electronic consoles and so on - all that stuff that was modern and what actually all had.

              Most of the toys actually belonged to my sister Carina. But already at the age of 7 or 8 she completely changed her interests and steadfastly maintained that she had no childish toys. That's all mine, she made clear at some point.

              Instead of complaining what this was about, I shut up. At first, of course, I didn't want to use her toys, but after a while I thought: “What I'm doing down here, nobody will notice anyway.” So at some point I started to play with her things. After a while I almost forgot that most of the toys belonged to her. As a boy, I even took the dollhouse as my toy, and that became my favorite toy at some point. It was actually mine.

              I pulled back the curtain and dug out the oblong, square, old-fashioned doll's house. In the box were the dolls, matching the size and type of the furniture.

              I placed one of the dolls at the dining table. I put the other two - a boy and a girl doll - in the bed in the next room. I meticulously covered her up after undressing her.

" Bedtime," I heard myself call out.

              A small break. I huffed.

" I don't want to sleep," I said in a disguised, very bright voice.

“ Neither do I, ” I threw in.

              At that moment, I did not notice the creak of the gray steel door that connected the hallway with the basement. I must also have overheard the quiet tapping of feet on the carpet that followed. The dull light was suddenly darkened for a second because a shadow crept over me and the doll's house - but I didn't notice this either.

              I was totally absorbed in my game. I looked at the dolls for a while. The doll father was still sitting at the dining table. I played that he ate something and got up to put away the little dishes. I neatly placed the mini plate and the mini cup in the cupboard provided for them.

              I then turned back to the two dolls in the bedroom.

" I'm not tired," I let the doll girl say. And immediately afterwards I let them jump away. I threw her in the corner, but I played that she just ran away.

              I had the doll boy pull the covers all the way up so that he was completely covered.

              For a moment I looked into the box next to me, where other utensils for the doll's house were kept. I took out an adult female doll - the doll mother of this family, but which I used very, very seldom in my play.

              Without a word I put the doll's mother in the doll boy's bed. I paused for a moment.

" What are you doing there?" I suddenly heard someone say.

              I was frightened. I quickly took the dolls and threw them in the box next to me.

              I slowly turned to where the voice was coming from. I looked into her eyes with shame.

" What are you doing there?" Repeated the girl I knew. "Do you play with your dollhouse?"

              Claudia. She was my sister Carina's best friend and was about a year older than her.

              She was also the one who tried to involve me in playing with my sister at times, but what usually ended up being that my sister became even more aggressive towards me. Claudia was okay, actually the one of my sister's friends who were most likely okay. She wasn't as wacky as Carina and not as cool as her other friends. I kind of liked that because being cool wasn't for me.

"It's okay," said Claudia, without waiting for an answer from me. “I'm not telling anyone that you are playing with the dollhouse.

              I looked aside in embarrassment.

" Honestly," she affirmed.

              Without daring to say a word, I took the dolls out of the box again. I put the doll father back at the dining table and the doll boy in the bed in the next room. I left out the doll mother. But I took the doll girl out again and put her down in front of the house.

" She ran away earlier," I explained quietly. "But now she's back."

              Claudia sat down next to me and took the girl doll in her hand.

“ Who are they?” She wanted to know.

" Just any family," I said.

" Sure?" Said Claudia.

              Claudia then padded into the boy's room with the doll girl.

" We are siblings," she said in the game. "This is our father," she added, pointing to the father sitting at the dining table.

" No," I exclaimed. “Let's be friends. You are my friend and you are with us overnight. "

              Claudia laughed. "Cool," she said. "So - then you are the boy, I am the girl ... and who is the father?"

              I looked at the doll father. Then I took it and threw it in the box.

" Doesn't matter," I stammered. “We have no parents. We live here alone. "

" Well, good," said Claudia.

              The result was a puppet show that became more and more intense over the next few minutes and hours. Soon we were completely in our roles. Somehow I wasn't used to playing so intensely with someone because I didn't have any friends. Nobody ever wanted to play with me.

              But that with Claudia was kind of fun. It made me forget my loneliness for a moment.

              During our game Claudia suddenly put the girl doll on top of the boy doll and began to move both of them back and forth.

" What are you doing there?" I wanted to know.

              Claudia - still deeply absorbed in the game - then said: "We're going to have sex."

              My gaze went to the door. It suddenly felt very weird, like I'd been caught doing something.

" How can you know how to do that?" I wanted to know from her.

              I had no idea if I knew. I had never seen anything like that in a film, for example. But Claudia grinned at me. She apparently knew, even when she was barely 10, barely a year younger than me.

              Then she threw the dolls back in the box and suddenly deviated on a completely different topic.

“ Do you know Jan? The one from your class? ”She wanted to know.

              I nodded. "Why? What about him?"

“ Carina is in love with him. She wants to catch it, she said. "

" Oh," I made rather disinterested.

“ I'm in love with him too. But I think I won't get it. I just don't have a chance against Carina. "

              I shrugged my shoulders.

" You don't know," said Claudia to me. "If she finds out, she definitely doesn't want to be my friend anymore."

" Okay, I'm not saying anything," I promised Carina's best friend. "She probably doesn't believe me anyway."

              Claudia looked at me questioningly.

“ I mean that I talked to you. She sure doesn't think so. And that I played with you, certainly not. "

" Good," said Claudia.

“ I wish I wasn't Carina's brother anyway. I wish I was anyone else Maybe someone with a completely different life.

" Yes," agreed Claudia. "I also often have that, that I wish that."

              I shiver. I don't know why, but at that moment a chill ran down my spine.

" Is it true that you had to wear girls' clothes to school?" She asked me then.

              I covered my eyes.

" It was like this in third and fourth grades," I said softly. "Now at high school, where I've been since this year, it's no longer like that."

" Why?" She asked. "Did you want to be a girl?"

              I shook my head.

              I got up slowly and sat down on a wide sofa by the basement window. Claudia finally came to me. She noticed that I seemed very thoughtful, but she didn't respond.

“ I have an idea,” she then began. "Let's play, we are someone else."

              I looked at her questioningly.

“ Who do you like to be?” She added.

              I shrugged again.

" Okay," she continued the game. "You are Jan."

" And you? Who are you? ”I wanted to know.

" I'm your friend," she replied. “Well, Jan's friend. You can choose a name like my name. "

              I didn't have to think long. I didn't know why this one name came to mind. But I knew it should be that name and no other.

" Natalie," I said softly.

" Okay," said Claudia. "You are Jan, I am Natalie, your friend."

              Suddenly Claudia snuggled up to me. She put an arm around me and asked me to do the same with her. She put her head on my shoulder.

              Touches.

              I never liked to be touched. I allowed it only once, that was in the second grade with a classmate with whom I had relatively close contact at the time. We visited each other now and then. Sometimes we were even allowed to take the bus somewhere together. At the age of seven, her parents already trusted her a lot, and every now and then she took me to the neighboring town. I vaguely remembered that she was probably the one I even let her not only hug me, but even kiss me once. On the mouth.

              But I hadn't thought about that anymore. Not until today.

" Jan", Claudia whispered. "Say, do you love me?"

              I made an effort to play the game, even if it was kind of difficult for me.

" Yes," I answered her.

" Me too," she said in the game. "I just didn't dare to say it the whole time."

              We then played that the cellar was our apartment. Claudia - well, Natalie - moved in with me, Jan. I would have made dinner, then we would have eaten and talked a lot. In the late evening we would have watched a little television - our television, like almost all other objects, being imaginary - and then we went to bed.

              We were now lying on the sofa in our underpants. I didn't even notice that we had undressed, we were so absorbed in our game. After a while, I began to like the secret game itself. Strange - with Claudia I didn't feel this reluctance to touch, even when we cuddled under a real blanket on the sofa.

" Jan, I love you and I want to marry you," she said in the game.

              I looked at her. "Yes, Natalie," I said. "I want that with you too."

              We played until we saw that it was getting dark outside. Then we got dressed again and Claudia ran home.

              Our secret game, in which we immersed ourselves in the roles of Jan and Natalie, took on more and more shape in the following days. Every afternoon I crumbled into the cellar - apparently nobody in my family noticed that - and Claudia secretly came to me, and then we played our secret game. After a while it even got so intense that we no longer addressed each other by our real first names. As soon as she walked in the door she was Natalie and I was Jan.

              It was just before the summer vacation when it happened. Our game had been going on for almost four months now. And that afternoon - when we played the nightly going to bed scene again, Claudia not only undressed except for her underpants, as usual, but completely.

" You too, Jan," she said. “It's time we had children. And today we're going to do one. "

              I didn't quite understand what she meant. And when she asked me to roll over on her after I was also completely undressed, I got a very strange feeling. Suddenly it scared me.

              But Claudia just held me gently in her arms. My tremors subsided after a while.

" I saw that with my parents," she said quietly. "When I asked my father about it, he showed me exactly how it was."

              I was frightened. I didn't want to let it show, but I was totally shocked. I didn't know why.

" Natalie?" I just asked.

" No," said Claudia. “Claudia saw that. And Claudia's father does that to her. "

              My lips trembled.

“ Benjamin has to do that too, doesn't he?” Claudia wanted to know. "Are you telling me with whom?"

              I didn't know if Claudia saw me cry. I tried to wipe the tears from my face. But Claudia saw it and she just held me tight. We just lay on top of each other and held on.

              Being Jan and Natalie was like being in another world. There was no evil there. We were allowed to do everything there, because we belonged only to ourselves and our secret game. Things, people from real life - nothing mattered anymore when we made our game. Nothing could hurt anymore, everything felt good. Jan and Natalie - that was a different life. And we got into that game as often as we could. It was kept secret. But it was a good secret that we shared with it. It wasn't bad, like the other secrets that must have surrounded them and me.

              When I was 12, Claudia emigrated to America with her parents. I haven't seen her since then. I don't remember whether we said goodbye to each other.

              I had then started to somehow push everything away from real life. All the things that made me feel bad. The thoughts of our secret game made me dream away. Somehow they took away all the bad thoughts from me and drove the monsters away. I couldn't explain it to myself at the time, but I knew it was true.

              To close your eyes and dream away. Escape to my own world and have a different life there, be someone different from what I really was. I could do that now. And I think that saved my life back then.

CHAPTER 3 - NIGHT TRIP

              Where was that damned bag now?

              I already had the most important things together. The television, a giant box, was already stowed in the car. It was a miracle that I managed to carry it down by myself. But at three o'clock at night nobody was awake who could have helped me.

              The suitcase with the most important clothes was already packed and stowed away. I had secretly already done that last night. I didn't have a lot packed. Most of it would come on Saturday anyway. Brought by the movers my father hired. And mother would then pack all my clothes for me.

" Ha, they'll look tomorrow when they see that I'm already gone," I said to myself.

              Now the bag with all my personal stuff was missing. Papers, wallet, books and so on. At the moment I didn't know where I put it. I had it last night.

              I looked in the bedroom. I usually kept personal belongings in the bedroom in the drawer that I always hoped no one would open. Especially not my mother. In this drawer I also had all of Jenny's secret love letters. Nobody should see them. Nobody.

              The bag was there. A briefcase with all of my personal contents.

              Did I forget something?

              Oh, my goodness ... Of course. Joey. My Beo. The bird that could imitate sounds so wonderfully. He looked so simple, but he could sing and even whistle wonderfully. I definitely wanted to take him with me now, along with his cage.

              I removed the top of the cage rack from the stand and carried it into the car. Then I ran up again, got my personal bag and looked around my apartment again.

" That's it," I said. "Bielefeld, I will definitely not miss you."

              After turning off the light and locking the door, I stomped to the car with my briefcase and sat in.

All empty. No one on the street. I turned on the engine and drove off.

              Actually, I was always rather shy. Reticent, just a loner. I never had many friends either, and the ones I had only cared about me superficially. Were too busy with their own lives and careers to deal with other people. It wasn't particularly difficult for me to leave it all behind. Friends. Family. My life in Bielefeld.

              I could only guess whether they knew about Jenny. Officially, I gave a job change as the reason, but actually I only moved because of Jenny.

              As I pounded the almost empty autobahn at a constant 130 kilometers an hour, I brooded. Today was December 22nd, 2003, a cold winter day. I finally managed to get away from home when I was 25. At last. I couldn't have endured a second longer. Not in this city. Not with this family. And not in this life.             

              My mind wandered to last night. Everything was basically the same as usual. I was sitting in the basement in my little music studio that my father had set up for me. I jumbled a little on my keyboard, but nothing really beautiful came out of it. My father then abruptly interrupted my playing when he walked into the cellar - without knocking, of course.

" Well, son, what are you doing?" He wanted to know.

" I play," I replied. "Will you leave me alone now, please?"

" We have to talk," he said, without wasting a hint of respect on my request.

              Annoyed, I turned around and looked at him.

" What is it?" I wanted to know.

" I bought you a large apartment in Solingen, you know that," he began. "A condominium."

" Yes," I said. “We were there a month ago and completed the purchase. Is there something wrong with it? "

“ Well, my boy,” he started again, “I'm not sure you can do it all by yourself in a big city. Remember, you don't know anyone there. "

" Alright," I said. “I'm sure I'll meet people there, papa. If I don't do it now, then when? "

" Your mother would be very sad if you left," he said. “She's very worried about you. And for you it is important that she is close to you. "

              What a crap.

" Carina is only 23 and she moved out when she was 19," I said.

“ You know that Carina lives with her boyfriend. You have built a future together. "

              What my father was trying to say was that he thought Carina was so much further than me in so many things. In particular. Carina was studying - I didn't even have a decent job. Carina has had a boyfriend since she was 18 - I had no one. And if they knew that I had had Jenny for six months, they would not have believed me. Typical of my parents.

              Just recently my sister Carina said to me that I will certainly never move out of home.

“ Nobody thinks I'm grown up. Gosh, I'm 25. When else should I start my own life? I don't want this life here anymore. I want to get away from here. Away from you ”, I wanted to say.

              But I didn't say anything.

“ Benjamin, I can call Solingen tomorrow and cancel the purchase of the apartment,” my father suggested to me. "It would really be much, much better if you would stay here in the care of me and your mother."

              Care. Mother.

              Father was never there. The great, important Alfred Foster had permanent appointments. He always came home from the office late at night. And actually I knew that he was never interested in my personal interests.

              And mother?

              I never fought against them. I wanted to try so many times, but never succeeded. She was always on the longer hand. She arranged everything in the way that suited her.

              I knew she didn't want to let me go. I knew she would never let me move away. Away from her, away from all the shit.

" I'm going to move!" I said to my father. "I want it."

" Well, good," he said then. "Then try your luck. If you can't cope - and it certainly won't take three months - then you can come back here. Your room will remain free for you, and I will have the condominium in Solingen listed on the market as a sales object so that I can sell it again quickly when you come back. "

" I'm not coming back," I wanted to say.

" Yes, good," I said instead. "I'll try anyway."

" You will never be able to live without your mother," my father made clear to me. "You will come back, I know that."

              Then he went out.

              In the nighttime darkness on the freeway, which was only interrupted by the headlights of my Ford Escort, I finally saw a sign pointing to a rest stop. Yeah, that's it now. Take a short break and have a coffee. Maybe have a little something to eat.

              When I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a lot of trucks and trucks. Strangely enough, this rest area seemed very busy, even though the streets were so empty.

              I finally ordered a coffee, a glass of cola and a baguette with cheese and ham at the counter. I then sat down with the tray in a free place.

              A short time later - I had already finished my Coke - a woman came up and sat down next to me.

“ May I?” She asked. I just looked at her.

              A woman spoke to me. How unusual was that?

“ Are you on a night tour with your truck?” She asked.

              And she even wanted to start a conversation. Extremely strange. Well, she just didn't know me. She couldn't have known that I was reserved and shy of people.

              I did not know what to say.

“ You hardly see any cars, only a few trucks on the road,” she said. "I'm traveling with my car and have just come back from a vacation trip." She then sipped the drink that she had in front of her.

" I'm moving," I just answered her. "I broke up my tents in Bielefeld and am moving to Solingen."

" In the middle of the night?" She asked incredulously. I didn't answer anything.

“ Solingen is a beautiful city,” she added. “I've been there a couple of times. A friend lives there. Do you already know someone in your new home? "

" My girlfriend," I finally explained.

“ How romantic. You go to your friend's house in the middle of the night and break down all the tents at home. "

" Yes, exactly," I smiled, embarrassed.

" What's your name?" She asked afterwards.

              Why shouldn't I tell her that? I didn't know her and she didn't know me. It didn't really matter then. And I definitely wouldn't see her again, even though she actually seemed quite nice.

" Benjamin Foster," I replied.

" My name is Simone Welter," she introduced herself. "And why are you moving in the middle of the night?"

" Well, yes," I began. “I'm actually not moving until Saturday. My new apartment is still completely empty. I only have a few things with me, the most important thing, but I left today. "

" Oh," said the woman. “You can't wait to live with your girlfriend. That's cute."

              I looked at her questioningly.

" We've been in a long-distance relationship for half a year," I finally explained. "Now I couldn't stand it at home anymore and finally had to get out."

" Is your friend the only reason why you are moving?", The woman then wanted to know.

              I huffed.

" Why do you ask?" I wanted to know.

" Well, you make a very shy impression on me, almost dejected."

              I didn't know what to say to that. For some reason this woman - a strange woman - was interested in my story. I wasn't used to that. Nobody, apart from Jenny maybe, has never been interested in my story.

“It never went very well in my family,” I managed to say. "I am glad that I am now behind me."

              What could I have told her?

              My family. A father who tries to keep me dependent wherever he can. Who bought me what I needed and who believed that money could buy my respect. A mother who treated me like a little child and could never, never, never accept that I was an adult. A sister who had always churned me out, never trusted me to do anything and always showed me that, although she was two years younger, she was further and more mature than me in everything.

Yes, that was definitely my fault. I let it do to me for years. And at some point it didn't matter.

              But now - now I've packed my things and I'm gone. Away from the dreary everyday life. Away from my old, weak life.

" I have to go on, " I said goodbye to the woman.

"It was nice to talk to you."

              I went to my car and made my way back into the dawn that was already beginning and drove the last 100 kilometers to my new home.

              Incomparable, the moment when I unlocked my apartment on the fifth floor. At last.

There was no furniture in it yet. No matter. There was only one mattress on the floor in the huge living room. But the light was already on and water was running too.

              After I got everything up, I lay down on the mattress and started dreaming.

              What would I expect now?

              The woman in the rest stop was right, I didn't know anyone here. Except for Jenny. I, Benjamin Foster, would start a whole new life here. I didn't have to think about my previous life anymore. It was behind me, it was over.

              Damn it. Suddenly, unprepared, I was gripped by doubts. I had no idea where they came from. They shot through my head like lightning. Damn it.

              What if Father was right? What if I really didn't make it and maybe had to go back to Bielefeld next week because I totally failed here? Should I have failed now before it even really started?

              What were those thoughts that I didn't want? Was it normal when you left home?

              I didn't want to go back home. No more.

              Suddenly the doorbell rang at nine in the morning. And I knew who it was.

              My bad thoughts seemed to be gone in a second. I could be happy. Yes, and so did I.

              I hurriedly hopped to the large, glazed front door of my apartment, which led to the portico, and opened it.

" Jenny," I breathed with a smile.

" You're there," she said softly, and then took me in her arms. She didn't want to let go anymore.

              I couldn't bring out a sound. With relief, I just put my head on her shoulder and cried.

" It's good," she said. “You are here now. And I'm with you now. "

" My apartment," I stammered. "My own flat"

              We went on the mattress - there wasn’t anything else to sit down yet - and sat down there while we were silent for a few minutes and watched the delicate snowflakes that fell from the morning sky and conjured beautiful ice flowers on the windows.

" Jenny," I said finally.

" Yes, Benjamin?"

“ It's so ... so different. Everything is so different. "

              Jenny smiled at me with her sweet lips. “We could only meet every couple of weeks when you were still living in Bielefeld. Now we can see each other every day. "

              I stroked her hair.

" You smell good," I remarked.

“ Do you like my new perfume? I bought it especially for you. ”She grinned. "You, Benjamin, I have to ask you something," she added

then added.

              I looked into her eyes.

" Do you really want to be my boyfriend?"

              Why did she ask me that? Disappointed, I turned to the window and looked at the roof of the house opposite, which was clearly visible from here.

" Jenny, you know that," I said. "I came here for you, why don't you believe me?"

" I believe you," said Jenny. "But I'm twelve years older than you. I'm 37 years old and married."

" I know," I said. “I told you I don't mind. I wanna be your lover I can get used to the fact that you have a husband. And I always felt that there was enough room in your heart for me. ”I turned back to her. "I thought we would have agreed on it."

" Oh, Benjamin," she said then. And finally she kissed me on the mouth.

" What's going to be different now?" I asked. “I'm just always here now. I no longer have to drive that far every three or four weeks, for a day or a night. I live here now. Oh, my god, Jenny ... I live here "

              I got up.

              And then the first time I did something I did the last time a long time ago. I hopped around the apartment. And I laughed. I didn't remember the last time I laughed. But now it kind of grabbed me. I screamed with laughter, as if everything negative I ever had inside of me had fallen away from me in a second.

              I so hoped it was.

" Are you happy?" Jenny wanted to know.

              I stopped laughing and dancing and looked at her from the corner.

              I went to her, took her arm and lifted her up. Then I danced a slow stand-up blues with her without music. We didn't need any sounds for this, because the song that was being played was in our hearts.

" Yes, I am happy," I said to her.

" Do you miss your family? Your old home? "

" Please, Jenny," I whispered. "Don't ruin this moment, this incredibly beautiful moment, by asking about my family."

" Forgive me," she replied simply.

" I don't want to talk about it," I told her. "You know that I never got on well with them. I ... oh, Jenny, I'm just glad I'm here now. Not there anymore, in my old home. Can't we just leave it at that? "

“ I just want you to know, if you want to talk to someone, I'll be there. And now that you live here, I'm very close to you too. Less than eight kilometers away. "

              I smiled. "Yes," I said.

Again we kissed deeply. And while her hand was playing around my dark, shoulder-length hair, I peeled off the cloth belt from her dress.

              We didn't care that the heating wasn't on yet and that it was actually still cool in the apartment, which should probably change by evening at the latest. We stripped naked and slept together.

              It happened several times before, whenever I had secretly visited her. We've had a secret experience three or four times. Nobody of my family knew that, neither father nor mother or sister. You would never have thought I could do that anyway. Benjamin Foster has a girlfriend? The boy who is always alone, has hardly any friends and is always holed up in his room? The?

Jenny's husband didn't know either. Somehow she managed to keep me a secret from him. He probably didn't even know I was there.

              When we got intimate today, it was different than before. It was magical, somehow more mysterious and passionate, something very special. I didn't know what was different, but maybe it was because I lived here now and felt free for the first time in my life. That couldn't be wrong.

              Jenny had asked me earlier if I was happy. At that moment it was me.

              After I connected the phone that I had brought with me that afternoon, Jenny went back home. But she promised to call me again that evening.

              So now I was here in the new city. I didn't have to think of anything bad. I was just free to choose what I wanted to do. Incredible. I didn't even know what to do first.

              Maybe I should look around a bit in the area. Yes, that would be good, I thought to myself. And so I grabbed my money and my keys, slipped out of the apartment and started walking.

              The residential complex in which my father had bought me this large condominium was a bit out of the way in a suburb of Solingen. Actually, we weren't really in a city yet, it was more of a village, almost self-contained. But there were buses going downtown, and the bus station wasn't far from here.

              I actually planned to go to Solingen, but then I saw this quaint restaurant at the bus station, a corner bar with an interesting, old porch. The house was rather old-style, and I immediately liked the billboard. Boxer, it said in large letters over a neon cocktail glass. That didn't fit the house at all.

              Great, I thought.

              When I went in there were a few people at the long bar in the narrow room, mostly older men around 40 or 50 years of age. I felt a little lost at my 25, but it didn't matter.

              I sat down and ordered a beer.

" New here?" Asked someone sitting next to me.

" Yes," I said a little relaxed after I had taken the first sip. How lucky the alcohol always worked on me immediately. "Moved today."

" Ah," said the man. "Where are you from?"

" From Bielefeld."

" Then you were a student there?" He wanted to know.

              It usually happened after the first glass. I knew that. As soon as I had had a drink, I noticed that something was happening inside of me. And this transformation, this mutation that then happened to me, was actually what I was secretly looking for over and over again for years. I enjoyed it every time I secretly did it at home. And when I snuck away during the night without my father or mother noticing, the kick was particularly great. I never did anything that was forbidden, nobody would have believed me capable of doing it anyway. But that - that was just mine. And I knew that.

              And now I could finally do it uncontrollably in freedom. Now I could drink what I wanted and how much I wanted. There was no one to reproach me or give a moral sermon.

              I liked to drink. Earlier. It always gave me something special when I did it. It was always a pleasant moment to then become who I was afterwards through the alcohol.

" Student? I? ”I asked back. "That was long ago. I started studying early. I am a young entrepreneur. "

" So?" Asked the man. "What are you doing?"

              He laughed while I was already drinking my second glass of beer.

" Business," I said without wanting to go into detail. I was a son by profession. I hadn't learned anything and at best had a possible job here in Solingen in prospect, for which I had written an application so that my father would buy me the apartment.

But now I was someone else.

" Good, businessman," said the half-tipsy man to me. "Do you spend a round?"

" Yeah, sure," I laughed. "A local round on me," I called to the landlord.

              It won't be that expensive with just eight people, I thought to myself. But I didn't care either. I had enough money with me, definitely a hundred. And if I ran out of money the next morning, I could call Papa and ask for more money.

              I really had never learned to take care of myself. My father bought me the apartment on the premise that he would

could still be sure of being in control of me. Anyway, he was convinced that I would end up in Bielefeld again after a few weeks. And he let me go, but only if he didn't lose me from his dependency. And by always sending me money, he had made sure of that.

" Are you going to play a game of poker?" Asked a third man.

" The loser gives a round."

              We played all evening. And the fuller I got, the more I lost. I had seven, eight or nine rounds to pay, damn it.

              But what the heck, I thought to myself.

              I made new friends. The people in this place were in a good mood, and the more drunk I was, the friendlier they seemed to me.

" Do you give a round?"

" Come on, order another one, buddy."

" You are great, you can tip a lot into yourself." Yes, I could. After about twelve beers, my level was far from reached and I wanted to keep drinking. However, the landlord made us aware that he would close the pub for today in a few minutes and asked us to leave and come back tomorrow.

" Sure, I'm in," I slurred.

              I had nothing to do anyway. The potential job - who knows if I would even get it - was still a long way off. That's why I was able to float around here in my new home.

" Hey, I'll be back tomorrow," I called out to the group.

“ You guys are great. You know what, I'm great too. I'm really big, ”I threw in.

              The people laughed. Whether they were happy for me, laughed with me or just laughed at me, I didn't care.

“ I have a girlfriend here in Solingen, ” I called out. "She loves Me."

" You are full," stated the landlord.

" She really loves me," I said. “I have a great job. I am a businessman. Like my father. He's also a businessman. We have a lot of money. And where that comes from there is more. "

" Haha," said one of the guests. “Then you can take it back to the pub tomorrow. We're glad."

" Yes," I said to him. "What do you want?" I suddenly attacked him aggressively. “Are you not satisfied when I throw laps? You can't do laps. "

" Hey," said the man. "I did laps too, you know?" He laughed and then looked at me seriously. "I don't like your face," he said finally.

" And now?" I said bravely. "What you wanna do?"

" You're not cheeky here."

" I? I said. "Hey man, you turn me on? I'm cheeky?"

“ Listen,” the landlord finally said to me. "Come again tomorrow. You have enough for today. "

" I don't have enough," I yelled. “I know myself when I've had enough. Come on, make me another beer. You are my new friends. "

" Tomorrow!" Yelled the landlord.

" Great friends," I snorted.

              Then, after almost falling off the bar stool, I staggered to the door I thought was the exit and crashed into it.

              Darn it, I thought to myself. But I didn't care. Is me

after all happened a thousand times.

              Somebody helped me through the door and I stumbled across the street to the hill where the path leading to my house was.

" Aaah ..." I called out into the cold night. “Solingen, what do you want from me? I'm here now, you asshole. They won't get me anymore. Fuck you, mother. Sister. Father. Fuck you all. I'm gone, finally gone. I do what I want. Damn shit, I live here. Solingen… hello, can you hear me? ”How I ended up in bed that evening - or rather, on my mattress - I no longer knew. The only thing I still noticed when I lay there was the occasional whistle from Joey, my bird, who was sitting in his cage and apparently laughing at me.

              I didn't want to turn back into the shy helpless boy. No, I didn't mean to. I wanted to stay drunk. Preferably forever.