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- Herausgeber: Studium Publishing
- Kategorie: Sachliteratur, Reportagen, Biografien
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018
The Journal of John Woolman is an autobiography by American Quaker evangelist, John Woolman. Woolman's journal is one of the longest continually published books in North America since it has never been out of print. All Woolman's interests lay in the practice of piety, and in the uncompromising application of religious Principles to the problems of social life. He advocated incessantly ideas of anti-slavery and anti-materialism as well as discussing power's ability to corrupt. The "Journal," was published posthumously in 1774 by Joseph Crukshank, a Philadelphia Quaker printer. Contents: The Curse of Slavery Among the Indians Across the Atlantic Prices, Wages, and Religion
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The Journal of John Woolman
Table of Contents
THE TESTIMONY OF FRIENDS IN YORKSHIRE
At their Quarterly-meeting held at York, the 24th and 25th of the third Month 1773, concerning
JOHN WOOLMAN
Of Mount-Holly, in the Province of New-Jersey, in America; who departed this Life at the House of our Friend, Thomas Priestman, in the Suburbs of this City, the 7th of the tenth month 1772, and was interred in the Burying-ground of Friends, the 9th of the same, aged about fifty-two Years
This our valuable Friend, having been under a religious Engagement for some Time to visit Friends in this Nation, and more especially us in the northern Parts, undertook the same in full Concurrence and near Sympathy with his Friends and Brethren at home, as appeared by Certificates from the monthly and quarterly Meetings to which he belonged, and from the Spring-meeting of Ministers and Elders, held at Philadelphia for Pennsylvania and New-Jersey.
He arrived in the City of London the beginning of the last Yearly-meeting, and, after attending that Meeting, travelled northward, visiting the Quarterly-meetings of Hertfordshire, Buckinghamshire, Northamptonshire, Oxfordshire, and Worcestershire, and divers particular Meetings in his Way.
He visited many Meetings on the West Side of this County; also some in Lancashire and Westmorland; from whence he came to our Quarterly-meeting in the last ninth Month; and though much out of Health, yet was enabled to attend all the Sittings of that Meeting except the last.
His Disorder, then, which proved the Small-pox, increased speedily upon him, and was very afflicting; under which he was supported in much Meekness, Patience, and Christian Fortitude. To those who attended him in his Illness his Mind appeared to be centered in divine Love; under the precious Influence whereof, we believe, he finished his Course, and entered into the Mansions of everlasting Rest.
In the early Part of his Illness he requested a Friend to write, and he broke forth thus:
"O Lord, my God! the amazing Horrors of Darkness were gathered around me and covered me all over, and I saw no Way to go forth: I felt the Misery of my Fellow-creatures separated from the divine Harmony, and it was heavier than I could bear, and I was crushed down under it: I lifted up my Hand, and stretched out my Arm, but there was none to help me: I looked round about, and was amazed: In the Depths of Misery, O Lord! I remembered that thou art omnipotent; that I had called thee Father; and I felt that I loved thee, and I was made quiet in thy Will, and I waited for Deliverance from thee; thou hadst Pity upon me when no Man could help me: I saw that Meekness under suffering was shewed to us in the most affecting Example of thy Son, and thou wast teaching me to follow him, and I said, Thy Will, O Father, be done."
Many more of his weighty Expressions might have been inserted here, but it was deemed unnecessary, they being already published in Print.
He was a Man endued with a large natural Capacity; and, being obedient to the Manifestations of divine Grace, having in Patience and Humility endured many deep Baptisms, he became thereby sanctified and fitted for the Lord's Work, and was truly serviceable in his Church: Dwelling in awful Fear and Watchfulness, he was careful, in his public Appearances, to feel the putting forth of the divine Hand, so that the Spring of the Gospel-ministry often flowed through him with great Sweetness and Purity, as a refreshing Stream to the weary Travellers toward the City of God: Skilful in dividing the Word, he was furnished by Him, in whom are hid all the Treasures of Wisdom and Knowledge, to communicate freely to the several States of the People where his Lot was cast. His Conduct at other Times was seasoned with the like watchful Circumspection and Attention to the Guidance of divine Wisdom, which rendered his whole Conversation uniformly edifying.
He was fully perswaded that as the Life of Christ comes to reign in the Earth, all Abuse and unnecessary Oppression, both of the human and brute Creation, will come to an End; but, under the Sense of a deep Revolt and overflowing Stream of Unrighteousness, his Life has been often a Life of mourning.
He was deeply concerned on account of that inhuman and iniquitous Practice of making Slaves of the People of Africa, or holding them in that State; and, on that Account, we understand he hath not only written some Books, but travelled much on the Continent of America, in order to make the Negro-masters (especially those in Profession with us) sensible of the evil of such a Practice; and though, in his Journey to England, he was far removed from the outward Sight of their Sufferings, yet his deep Exercise of Mind remained, as appears by a short Treatise he wrote in this Journey, and his frequent Concern to open the miserable State of this deeply-injured People. His Testimony in the last Meeting he attended was on this Subject; wherein he remarked, that as we, as a Society, when under outward Sufferings, had often found it our Concern to lay them before those in Authority, and thereby, in the Lord's Time, had obtained Relief, so he recommended this oppressed Part of the Creation to our Notice, that we may, as way may open, represent their Sufferings, in an Individual, if not a Society Capacity, to those in Authority.
Deeply sensible that the Desire to gratify People's Inclinations in Luxury and Superfluities is the principal Ground of Oppression, and the Occasion of many unnecessary Wants, he believed it to be his Duty to be a Pattern of great Self-denial with Respect to the Things of this Life, and earnestly to labour with Friends in the Meekness of Wisdom, to impress on their Minds the great Importance of our Testimony in these Things, recommending to the Guidance of the blessed Truth in this and all other Concerns, and cautioning such as are experienced therein against contenting themselves with acting up to the Standard of others, but to be careful to make the Standard of Truth, manifested to them, the Measure of their Obedience; for, said he, "that Purity of Life which proceeds from Faithfulness in following the Spirit of Truth, that State where our Minds are devoted to serve God, and all our Wants are bounded by his Wisdom,—this Habitation has often been opened before me, as a Place of retirement for the Children of the Light, where they may stand separated from that which disordereth and confuseth the Affairs of Society, and where we may have a Testimony of our Innocence in the Hearts of those who behold us."
We conclude with fervent Desires that we, as a People, may thus, by our Example, promote the Lord's Work in the Earth; and, our Hearts being prepared, may unite in Prayer to the great Lord of the Harvest, that as, in his infinite Wisdom, he hath greatly stripped the Church, by removing of late divers faithful Ministers and Elders, he may be pleased to send forth many more faithful Labourers into his Harvest.
Signed in, by Order, and on Behalf of, said Meeting:
A TESTIMONY OF THE MONTHLY-MEETING OF FRIENDS
Held in Burlington, the first Day of the eighth Month, in the Year of our Lord 1774, concerning our esteemed Friend,
JOHN WOOLMAN, DECEASED
He was born in Northampton, in the County of Burlington, and Province of West-New-Jersey, in the eighth Month, 1720, of religious Parents, who instructed him very early in the Principles of the Christian Religion, as professed by the People called Quakers, which he esteemed a Blessing to him, even in his young Years, tending to preserve him from the Infection of wicked Children; but, through the Workings of the Enemy, and Levity incident to Youth, he frequently deviated from those parental Precepts, by which he laid a renewed Foundation for Repentance, that was finally succeeded by a godly Sorrow not to be repented of, and so became acquainted with that sanctifying Power which qualifies for true Gospel Ministry, into which he was called about the twenty-second year of his Age; and, by a faithful Use of the Talents committed to him, he experienced an Increase, until he arrived at the State of a Father, capable of dividing the Word aright to the different States he ministered unto; dispensing Milk to Babes, and Meat to those of riper Years. Thus he found the Efficacy of that Power to arise, which, in his own Expressions, "prepares the Creature to stand like a Trumpet through which the Lord speaks to his People."—He was a loving Husband, a tender Father, and very humane to every Part of the Creation under his Care.
His Concern for the Poor and those in Affliction was evident by his Visits to them; whom he frequently relieved by his Assistance and Charity. He was for many Years deeply exercised on Account of the poor enslaved Africans, whose Cause, as he sometimes mentioned, lay almost continually upon him, and to obtain Liberty to those Captives, he laboured both in public and private; and was favoured to see his Endeavours crowned with considerable Success. He was particularly desirous that Friends should not be instrumental to lay Burthens on this oppressed People, but remember the Days of suffering from which they had been providentially delivered; that, if Times of Trouble should return, no Injustice dealt to those in Slavery might rise in Judgment against us, but, being clear, we might on such Occasions address the Almighty with a degree of Confidence, for his Interposition and Relief; being particularly careful, as to himself, not to countenance Slavery even by the Use of those Conveniences of Life which were furnished by their Labour.
He was desirous to have his own, and the Minds of others, redeemed from the Pleasures and immoderate Profits of this World, and to fix them on those Joys which fade not away; his principal Care being after a Life of Purity, endeavouring to avoid not only the grosser Pollutions, but those also which, appearing in a more refined Dress, are not sufficiently guarded against by some well-disposed People. In the latter Part of his Life he was remarkable for the Plainness and Simplicity of his Dress, and, as much as possible, avoided the Use of Plate, costly Furniture, and feasting; thereby endeavouring to become an Example of Temperance and Self-denial, which he believed himself called unto, and was favoured with Peace therein, although it carried the Appearance of great Austerity in the View of some. He was very moderate in his Charges in the Way of Business, and in his Desires after Gain; and, though a Man of Industry, avoided, and strove much to lead others out of extreme Labour and Anxiousness after perishable Things; being desirous that the Strength of our Bodies might not be spent in procuring Things unprofitable, and that we might use Moderation and Kindness to the brute Animals under our Care, to prize the Use of them as a great Favour, and by no Means abuse them; that the Gifts of Providence should be thankfully received and applied to the Uses they were designed for.
He several Times opened a School at Mount-Holly, for the Instruction of poor Friends Children and others, being concerned for their Help and Improvement therein: His Love and Care for the rising Youth among us were truly great, recommending to Parents and those who have the Charge of them, to chuse conscientious and pious Tutors, saying, "It is a lovely Sight to behold innocent Children," and that "to labour for their Help against that which would mar the Beauty of their Minds, is a Debt we owe them."
His Ministry was sound, very deep and penetrating, sometimes pointing out the dangerous Situation which Indulgence and Custom lead into; frequently exhorting others, especially the Youth, not to be discouraged at the Difficulties which occur, but press after Purity. He often expressed an earnest Engagement that pure Wisdom should be attended to, which would lead into Lowliness of Mind and Resignation to the divine Will, in which State small Possessions here would be sufficient.
In transacting the Affairs of Discipline, his Judgment was sound and clear, and he was very useful in treating with those who had done amiss; he visited such in a private Way in that Plainness which Truth dictates, shewing great Tenderness and Christian Forbearance. He was a constant Attender of our Yearly-meeting, in which he was a good Example, and particularly useful; assisting in the Business thereof with great Weight and Attention. He several Times visited most of the Meetings of Friends in this and the neighbouring Provinces, with the Concurrence of the Monthly-meeting to which he belonged, and, we have Reason to believe, had good Service therein, generally or always expressing, at his Return, how it had fared with him, and the Evidence of Peace in his Mind for thus performing his Duty. He was often concerned with other Friends in the important Service of visiting Families, which he was enabled to go through to Satisfaction.
In the Minutes of the Meeting of Ministers and Elders for this Quarter, at the Foot of a List of the Members of that Meeting, made about five Years before his Death, we find in his Hand-writing the following Observations and Reflections. "As looking over the Minutes, made by Persons who have put off this Body, hath sometimes revived in me a Thought how Ages pass away; so this List may probably revive a like Thought in some, when I and the rest of the Persons above-named are centered in another State of Being.—The Lord, who was the Guide of my Youth, hath in tender Mercies helped me hitherto; he hath healed me of Wounds, he hath helped me out of grievous Entanglements; he remains to be the Strength of my Life; to whom I desire to devote myself in Time and in Eternity."—Signed, John Woolman.
In the twelfth Month, 1771, he acquainted this Meeting that he found his Mind drawn towards a religious Visit to Friends in some Parts of England, particularly in Yorkshire. In the first Month, 1772, he obtained our Certificate, which was approved and endorsed by our Quarterly-meeting, and by the Half-year's-meeting of Ministers and Elders at Philadelphia. He embarked on his Voyage in the fifth, and arrived in London in the sixth, Month following, at the Time of their annual Meeting in that City. During his short Visit to Friends in that Kingdom, we are informed that his Services were acceptable and edifying. In his last Illness he uttered many lively and comfortable Expressions, being "perfectly resigned, having no Will either to live or die," as appears by the Testimony of Friends at York in Great-Britain, in the Suburbs whereof, at the House of our Friend, Thomas Priestman, he died of the Small-pox, on the seventh Day of the tenth Month, 1772, and was buried in Friends Burying-ground in that City, on the ninth of the same, after a large and solid Meeting held on the Occasion at their great Meeting-house, aged near fifty-two Years; a Minister upwards of thirty Years, during which Time he belonged to Mount-Holly Particular-meeting, which he diligently attended when at Home and in Health of Body, and his Labours of Love, and pious Care for the Prosperity of Friends in the blessed Truth, we hope may not be forgotten, but that his good Works may be remembered to Edification.
Signed in, and by Order of, the said Meeting, by
Samuel Allinson, Clerk.
Read and approved at our Quarterly-meeting, held at Burlington the 29th of the eighth Month, 1774.
Signed, by Order of said Meeting,
Daniel Smith, Clerk.
A JOURNAL OF THE LIFE AND TRAVELS OF JOHN WOOLMAN, In the Service of the Gospel
CHAPTER I
His Birth and Parentage, with some Account of the Operations of divine Grace on his Mind in his Youth—His first Appearance in the Ministry—And his Considerations, while young, on the keeping of Slaves
I have often felt a Motion of Love to leave some Hints in Writing of my Experience of the Goodness of God; and now, in the thirty-sixth Year of my Age, I begin this Work.
I was born in Northampton, in Burlington County, West-Jersey, in the Year 1720; and before I was seven Years old I began to be acquainted with the Operations of divine Love. Through the Care of my Parents, I was taught to read nearly as soon as I was capable of it; and, as I went from School one seventh Day, I remember, while my Companions went to play by the Way, I went forward out of Sight, and, sitting down, I read the 22d Chapter of the Revelations: "He shewed me a pure River of Water of Life, clear as Chrystal, proceeding out of the Throne of God and of the Lamb, etc." and, in reading it, my Mind was drawn to seek after that pure Habitation, which, I then believed, God had prepared for his Servants. The Place where I sat, and the Sweetness that attended my Mind, remain fresh in my Memory.
This, and the like gracious Visitations, had that Effect upon me, that when Boys used ill Language it troubled me; and, through the continued Mercies of God, I was preserved from it.
The pious Instructions of my Parents were often fresh in my Mind when I happened to be among wicked Children, and were of Use to me. My Parents, having a large Family of Children, used frequently, on first Days after Meeting, to put us to read in the holy Scriptures, or some religious Books, one after another, the rest sitting by without much Conversation; which, I have since often thought, was a good Practice. From what I had read and heard, I believed there had been, in past Ages, People who walked in Uprightness before God, in a Degree exceeding any that I knew, or heard of, now living: And the Apprehension of there being less Steadiness and Firmness, amongst People in this Age than in past Ages, often troubled me while I was a Child.
A Thing remarkable in my Childhood was, that once, going to a Neighbour's House, I saw, on the Way, a Robin sitting on her Nest, and as I came near she went off, but, having young ones, flew about, and with many Cries expressed her Concern for them; I stood and threw Stones at her, till, one striking her, she fell down dead: At first I was pleased with the Exploit, but after a few Minutes was seized with Horror, as having, in a sportive Way, killed an innocent Creature while she was careful for her Young: I beheld her lying dead, and thought these young ones, for which she was so careful, must now perish for want of their Dam to nourish them; and, after some painful Considerations on the Subject, I climbed up the Tree, took all the young Birds, and killed them; supposing that better than to leave them to pine away and die miserably: And believed, in this Case, that Scripture-proverb was fulfilled, "The tender Mercies of the Wicked are cruel." I then went on my Errand, but, for some Hours, could think of little else but the Cruelties I had committed, and was much troubled. Thus he, whose tender Mercies are over all his Works, hath placed a Principle in the human Mind, which incites to exercise Goodness towards every living Creature; and this being singly attended to, People become tender hearted and sympathising; but being frequently and totally rejected, the Mind becomes shut up in a contrary Disposition.
About the twelfth Year of my Age, my Father being abroad, my Mother reproved me for some Misconduct, to which I made an undutiful Reply; and, the next first Day, as I was with my Father returning from Meeting, he told me he understood I had behaved amiss to my Mother, and advised me to be more careful in future. I knew myself blameable, and in Shame and Confusion remained silent. Being thus awakened to a Sense of my Wickedness, I felt Remorse in my Mind, and, getting home, I retired and prayed to the Lord to forgive me; and do not remember that I ever, after that, spoke unhandsomely to either of my Parents, however foolish in some other Things.
Having attained the Age of sixteen Years, I began to love wanton Company; and though I was preserved from prophane Language, or scandalous Conduct, still I perceived a Plant in me which produced much wild Grapes; yet my merciful Father forsook me not utterly, but, at Times, through his Grace, I was brought seriously to consider my Ways; and the Sight of my Backslidings affected me with Sorrow; but, for want of rightly attending to the Reproofs of Instruction, Vanity was added to Vanity, and Repentance to Repentance: Upon the whole, my Mind was more and more alienated from the Truth, and I hastened toward Destruction. While I meditate on the Gulph towards which I travelled, and reflect on my youthful Disobedience, for these Things I weep, mine Eyes run down with Water.
Advancing in Age, the Number of my Acquaintances increased, and thereby my Way grew more difficult; though I had found Comfort in reading the holy Scriptures, and thinking on heavenly Things, I was now estranged therefrom: I knew I was going from the Flock of Christ, and had no Resolution to return; hence serious Reflections were uneasy to me, and youthful Vanities and Diversions my greatest Pleasure. Running in this Road I found many like myself; and we associated in that which is the reverse of true Friendship.
But in this swift Race it pleased God to visit me with Sickness, so that I doubted of recovering; and then did Darkness, Horror, and Amazement, with full Force, seize me, even when my Pain and Distress of Body was very great. I thought it would have been better for me never to have had a Being, than to see the Day which I now saw. I was filled with Confusion; and in great Affliction, both of Mind and Body, I lay and bewailed myself. I had not Confidence to lift up my Cries to God, whom I had thus offended; but, in a deep Sense of my great Folly, I was humbled before him; and, at length, that Word which is as a Fire and a Hammer, broke and dissolved my rebellious Heart, and then my Cries were put up in Contrition; and in the multitude of his Mercies I found inward Relief, and felt a close Engagement, that, if he was pleased to restore my Health, I might walk humbly before him.
After my Recovery, this Exercise remained with me a considerable Time; but, by Degrees, giving Way to youthful Vanities, they gained Strength, and, getting with wanton young People, I lost Ground. The Lord had been very gracious, and spoke Peace to me in the Time of my Distress; and I now most ungratefully turned again to Folly; on which Account, at Times, I felt sharp Reproof. I was not so hardy as to commit Things scandalous; but to exceed in Vanity, and promote Mirth, was my chief Study. Still I retained a Love for pious People, and their Company brought an Awe upon me. My dear Parents, several Times, admonished me in the Fear of the Lord, and their Admonition entered into my Heart, and had a good Effect for a Season; but, not getting deep enough to pray rightly, the Tempter, when he came, found Entrance. I remember once, having spent a Part of the Day in Wantonness, as I went to Bed at Night, there lay in a Window, near my Bed, a Bible, which I opened, and first cast my Eye on this Text, "We lie down in our Shame, and our Confusion covers us:" This I knew to be my Case; and, meeting with so unexpected a Reproof, I was somewhat affected with it, and went to Bed under Remorse of Conscience; which I soon cast off again.
Thus Time passed on: My Heart was replenished with Mirth and Wantonness, and pleasing Scenes of Vanity were presented to my Imagination, till I attained the Age of eighteen Years; near which Time I felt the Judgments of God, in my Soul, like a consuming Fire; and, looking over my past Life, the Prospect was moving.—I was often sad, and longed to be delivered from those Vanities; then again, my Heart was strongly inclined to them, and there was in me a sore Conflict: At Times I turned to Folly, and then again, Sorrow and Confusion took hold of me. In a while, I resolved totally to leave off some of my Vanities; but there was a secret Reserve, in my Heart, of the more refined Part of them, and I was not low enough to find true Peace. Thus, for some Months, I had great Troubles; there remaining in me an unsubjected Will, which rendered my Labours fruitless, till at length, through the merciful Continuance of heavenly Visitations, I was made to bow down in Spirit before the Lord. I remember one Evening I had spent some Time in reading a pious Author; and walking out alone, I humbly prayed to the Lord for his Help, that I might be delivered from all those Vanities which so ensnared me. Thus, being brought low, he helped me; and, as I learned to bear the Cross, I felt Refreshment to come from his Presence; but, not keeping in that Strength which gave Victory, I lost Ground again; the Sense of which greatly affected me; and I sought Desarts and lonely Places, and there, with Tears, did confess my Sins to God, and humbly craved Help of him. And I may say with Reverence, he was near to me in my Troubles, and in those Times of Humiliation opened my Ear to Discipline. I was now led to look seriously at the Means by which I was drawn from the pure Truth, and learned this, that, if I would live in the Life which the faithful Servants of God lived in, I must not go into Company as heretofore in my own Will; but all the Cravings of Sense must be governed by a divine Principle. In Times of Sorrow and Abasement these Instructions were sealed upon me, and I felt the Power of Christ prevail over selfish Desires, so that I was preserved in a good degree of Steadiness; and, being young, and believing at that Time that a single Life was best for me, I was strengthened to keep from such Company as had often been a Snare to me.
I kept steadily to Meetings; spent First-day Afternoons chiefly in reading the Scriptures and other good Books; and was early convinced in Mind, that true Religion consisted in an inward Life, wherein the Heart doth love and reverence God the Creator, and learns to exercise true Justice and Goodness, not only toward all Men, but also toward the brute Creatures.—That as the Mind was moved, by an inward Principle, to love God as an invisible incomprehensible Being, by the same Principle it was moved to love him in all his Manifestations in the visible World.—That, as by his Breath the Flame of Life was kindled in all animal sensible Creatures, to say we love God, and, at the same Time exercise Cruelty toward the least Creature, is a Contradiction in itself.
I found no Narrowness respecting Sects and Opinions; but believed, that sincere upright-hearted People, in every Society, who truly love God, were accepted of him.
As I lived under the Cross, and simply followed the Openings of Truth, my Mind, from Day to Day, was more enlightened; my former Acquaintance were left to judge of me as they would, for I found it safest for me to live in private, and keep these Things sealed up in my own Breast. While I silently ponder on that Change wrought in me, I find no Language equal to it, nor any Means to convey to another a clear Idea of it. I looked on the Works of God in this visible Creation, and an Awfulness covered me; my Heart was tender and often contrite, and universal Love to my Fellow-creatures increased in me: This will be understood by such as have trodden the same Path. Some Glances of real Beauty may be seen in their Faces, who dwell in true Meekness. There is a Harmony in the Sound of that Voice to which divine Love gives Utterance, and some Appearance of right Order in their Temper and Conduct, whose Passions are regulated; yet all these do not fully shew forth that inward Life to such as have not felt it: But this white Stone and new Name is known rightly to such only as have it.
Though I had been thus strengthened to bear the Cross, I still found myself in great Danger, having many Weaknesses attending me, and strong Temptations to wrestle with; in the feeling whereof I frequently withdrew into private Places, and often with Tears besought the Lord to help me, whose gracious Ear was open to my Cry.
All this Time I lived with my Parents, and wrought on the Plantation; and, having had Schooling pretty well for a Planter, I used to improve it in Winter Evenings, and other leisure Times; and, being now in the twenty-first Year of my Age, a Man, in much Business at shop-keeping and baking, asked me, if I would hire with him to tend Shop and keep Books. I acquainted my Father with the Proposal; and, after some Deliberation, it was agreed for me to go.
At Home I had lived retired; and now, having a Prospect of being much in the Way of Company, I felt frequent and fervent Cries in my Heart to God, the Father of Mercies, that he would preserve me from all Corruption; that in this more publick Employment, I might serve him, my gracious Redeemer, in that Humility and Self-denial, with which I had been, in a small Degree, exercised in a more private Life. The Man, who employed me, furnished a Shop in Mount-Holly, about five Miles from my Father's House, and six from his own; and there I lived alone, and tended his Shop. Shortly after my Settlement here I was visited by several young People, my former Acquaintance, who knew not but Vanities would be as agreeable to me now as ever; and, at these Times, I cried to the Lord in secret, for Wisdom and Strength; for I felt myself encompassed with Difficulties, and had fresh Occasion to bewail the Follies of Time past, in contracting a Familiarity with libertine People; and, as I had now left my Father's House outwardly, I found my heavenly Father to be merciful to me beyond what I can express.
By Day I was much amongst People, and had many Trials to go through; but, in the Evenings, I was mostly alone, and may with Thankfulness acknowledge, that, in those Times, the Spirit of Supplication was often poured upon me; under which I was frequently exercised, and felt my Strength renewed.
In a few Months after I came here, my Master bought several Scotchmen, Servants, from on-board a Vessel, and brought them to Mount-Holly to sell; one of which was taken sick, and died.
In the latter Part of his Sickness, he, being delirious, used to curse and swear most sorrowfully; and, the next Night after his Burial, I was left to sleep alone in the same Chamber where he died; I perceived in me a Timorousness; I knew, however, I had not injured the Man, but assisted in taking Care of him according to my Capacity; and was not free to ask any one, on that Occasion, to sleep with me: Nature was feeble; but every Trial was a fresh Incitement to give myself up wholly to the Service of God, for I found no Helper like him in Times of Trouble.
After a While, my former Acquaintance gave over expecting me as one of their Company; and I began to be known to some whose Conversation was helpful to me: And now, as I had experienced the Love of God, through Jesus Christ, to redeem me from many Pollutions, and to be a Succour to me through a Sea of Conflicts, with which no Person was fully acquainted; and as my Heart was often enlarged in this heavenly Principle, I felt a tender Compassion for the Youth, who remained entangled in Snares, like those which had entangled me from one Time to another: This Love and Tenderness increased; and my Mind was more strongly engaged for the Good of my Fellow-creatures. I went to Meetings in an awful Frame of Mind, and endeavoured to be inwardly acquainted with the Language of the true Shepherd; and, one Day, being under a strong Exercise of Spirit, I stood up, and said some Words in a Meeting; but, not keeping close to the divine Opening, I said more than was required of me; and being soon sensible of my Error, I was afflicted in Mind some Weeks, without any Light or Comfort, even to that Degree that I could not take Satisfaction in any Thing: I remembered God, and was troubled, and, in the Depth of my Distress, he had Pity upon me, and sent the Comforter: I then felt Forgiveness for my Offence, and my Mind became calm and quiet, being truly thankful to my gracious Redeemer for his Mercies; and, after this, feeling the Spring of divine Love opened, and a Concern to speak, I said a few Words in a Meeting, in which I found Peace; this, I believe, was about six Weeks from the first Time: And, as I was thus humbled and disciplined under the Cross, my Understanding became more strengthened to distinguish the pure Spirit which inwardly moves upon the Heart, and taught me to wait in Silence sometimes many Weeks together, until I felt that rise which prepares the Creature.
From an inward purifying, and stedfast abiding under it, springs a lively operative Desire for the Good of others: All the Faithful are not called to the public Ministry; but whoever are, are called to minister of that which they have tasted and handled spiritually. The outward Modes of Worship are various; but, wherever any are true Ministers of Jesus Christ, it is from the Operation of his Spirit upon their Hearts, first purifying them, and thus giving them a just Sense of the Conditions of others.
This Truth was clearly fixed in my Mind; and I was taught to watch the pure Opening, and to take Heed, lest, while I was standing to speak, my own Will should get uppermost, and cause me to utter Words from worldly Wisdom, and depart from the Channel of the true Gospel-Ministry.
In the Management of my outward Affairs, I may say, with Thankfulness, I found Truth to be my Support; and I was respected in my Master's Family, who came to live in Mount-Holly within two Years after my going there.
About the twenty-third Year of my Age, I had many fresh and heavenly Openings, in respect to the Care and Providence of the Almighty over his Creatures in general, and over Man as the most noble amongst those which are visible. And being clearly convinced in my Judgment, that to place my whole Trust in God was best for me, I felt renewed Engagements, that in all Things I might act on an inward Principle of Virtue, and pursue worldly Business no farther, than as Truth opened my Way therein.
About the Time called Christmas, I observed many People from the Country, and Dwellers in Town, who, resorting to Public-Houses, spent their Time in drinking and vain Sports, tending to corrupt one another; on which Account I was much troubled. At one House, in particular, there was much Disorder; and I believed it was a Duty incumbent on me to go and speak to the Master of that House. I considered I was young, and that several elderly Friends in town had Opportunity to see these Things; but though I would gladly have been excused, yet I could not feel my Mind clear.
The Exercise was heavy; and as I was reading what the Almighty said to Ezekiel, respecting his Duty as a Watchman, the Matter was set home more clearly; and then, with Prayers and Tears, I besought the Lord for his Assistance, who, in Loving-kindness, gave me a resigned Heart: Then, at a suitable Opportunity, I went to the Public-house, and, seeing the Man amongst much Company, I went to him, and told him, I wanted to speak with him; so we went aside, and there, in the Fear of the Almighty, I expressed to him what rested on my Mind; which he took kindly, and afterward shewed more Regard to me than before. In a few Years afterwards he died, middle-aged; and I often thought that, had I neglected my Duty in that Case, it would have given me great Trouble; and I was humbly thankful to my gracious Father, who had supported me herein.
My Employer having a Negro Woman, sold her, and desired me to write a Bill of Sale, the Man being waiting who bought her: The Thing was sudden; and, though the Thoughts of writing an Instrument of Slavery for one of my Fellow-creatures felt uneasy, yet I remembered I was hired by the Year, that it was my Master who directed me to do it, and that it was an elderly Man, a Member of our Society, who bought her; so, through Weakness, I gave way, and wrote; but, at the executing it, I was so afflicted in my Mind, that I said, before my Master and the Friend, that I believed Slave-keeping to be a Practice inconsistent with the Christian Religion: This in some Degree abated my Uneasiness; yet, as often as I reflected seriously upon it, I thought I should have been clearer, if I had desired to have been excused from it, as a Thing against my Conscience; for such it was. And, some Time after this, a young Man, of our Society, spoke to me to write a Conveyance of a Slave to him, he having lately taken a Negro into his House: I told him I was not easy to write it; for, though many of our Meeting and in other Places kept Slaves, I still believed the Practice was not right, and desired to be excused from the writing. I spoke to him in Good-will; and he told me that keeping Slaves was not altogether agreeable to his Mind; but that the Slave being a Gift to his Wife, he had accepted of her.
