The white wall E-Book

Elias J. Connor

• Herausgeber: FINN Books Edition FireFly
• Kategorie: Sachliteratur, Reportagen, Biografien
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

The images we see within ourselves are often the truth. And the images that are out there around us are often the lies of those who want to destroy us. Frank's soul is destroyed. Abandoned by his parents, deported to homes and institutions, he doesn't seem to speak, has no contacts and is completely withdrawn socially. In order to survive everyday life, he increasingly builds a wall around himself and drifts more and more into surreal, psychedelic dream worlds. Frank jumps through time and is haunted by bad memories. His only companion since childhood is his girlfriend Lillith. But she of all people seems to turn against him when he needs her the most... Inspired by psychedelic music, Elias J. Connor tells a visually stunning story about a trauma we may not be able to understand in this social drama.

Leseprobe

Elias J. Connor

The white wall

Inhaltsverzeichnis

Dedication

Chapter 1 - Where is Santa?

Chapter 2 - Destroyed soul

Chapter 3 - I just write it down

Chapter 4 - Father, what did you leave me?

Chapter 5 - Those who are afraid

Chapter 6 - One against the rest of the world

Chapter 7 - With our backs to the wall

Chapter 8 - The little white cat

Chapter 9 - Why are you running away?

Chapter 10 - Memories of Lillith

Chapter 11 - Facts

Chapter 12 - Distorted images

Chapter 13 - I can hear nothing, see nothing, feel nothing

Chapter 14 - Run, run

Chapter 15 - The one who really loves you

About the author Elias J. Connor

Impressum

Dedication

For Jana.

Thank you for being by my side.

Your love is the greatest gift.

Chapter 1 - Where is Santa?

It is dark. I specifically didn't leave the light on. I don't want anyone to find me. I'm sitting here by candlelight - actually a romantic mood - and I'm alone. Just me and the candle.

The lights flicker as I hear the sound of planes and bombs in the distance.

You won't find me. No, they won't.

It's a twilight Sunday morning in 1944. I have no idea what house or basement I'm in. The commander received the order to stand firm. Actually, he wanted to withdraw his men. Including me. But our troops should continue to fight at the front.

You have planes. They throw bombs. airstrikes. And our group is right in the middle. Ground operation to reinforce the air squadron.

What else has to happen? My god, this damn war is so crazy, so sick. What else has to happen for this to end?

A few hundred simple lives will keep the tanks at bay for a while.

"Frank, get your fat ass out of here," I hear the commander call out.

I wanted to fight. They are my comrades. We fired at the tank, but it keeps firing. We spread to all winds.

"Retreat," I hear the commander call.

We know he has orders to stand firm in the midst of a firefight that seems hopeless.

Frank does what he's told. Frank runs, holed up in a house. Frank is not afraid.

Here I sit, the sound of the planes overhead. The sound of bombs exploding next to me.

Maybe one will hit me. It's all so pointless it wouldn't matter. One more, one less. It's only a few hundred very simple lives that can withstand these tanks.

I can feel my thoughts circling. I can't get hold of her. But I realize that I'm suddenly seven or eight years old. Just ran away like now.

I'm sitting in a room. It is sparsely furnished. It has a simple brown wooden bed, a wardrobe and a chest of drawers. Nothing else.

It is snowing outside. It must be Christmas. Christmas. And I'm sitting here alone, without parents, without siblings, without family.

"Frank," I hear a woman's voice. She is apparently a nurse or an overseer. She doesn't even come into the room, stays in front of the door.

Where am I?

I'm trying to remember. I can't get the pictures right. I don't know whether to be angry, sad or bored. I just don't feel anything.

I don't feel anything? Is that correct?

"You're going to go to sleep now," says the stern woman.

Then she turns off the light in the room and locks the door.

All I can see is the dim glow of the street lamp in front of the house when I look out the window.

Christmas.

Nobody gave me anything. Nobody paid any attention to me. They punished me because I asked where Santa Claus was. They put me in solitary confinement in a small room in the attic. i am naughty i ran away I'm not good. That's what you learn here, in this boarding school, in this school.

"You are nothing. You are nobody and nobody wants you.”

Yes, that's exactly how it has to be.

I see the snow trickling past the window. Every single flake shines in the light of the street lamp. The snowflakes make funny movements. For a moment I catch myself smiling. But only briefly.

Fled. humiliated. Lost.

Apparently we lost here too.

Did i escape? Am I a deserter? I drag on my cigarette, the sound of planes and bombs still overhead. They haven't caught me yet, not yet.

The door is broken open. A group of children break through. Who are you? Will they save us? will they save me

But they don't see me.

I sit still in my chair and look out the window. It's still Christmas and it's snowing. I'm not a child anymore. I am a grown man.

It's not children who burst through the door. They are grown men. Soldiers. They have guns in their hands. They fire at anything they can get their hands on.

I'm not moving Every shot, every scream misses me. Nobody sees me, nobody notices me. I don't have to be afraid. I am invisible. I am not there. Exactly.

They arrest me They arrest us all. I feel the handcuffs on my arms. You take me away The very next day I am brought before the magistrate.

"Deserter."

I hear his voice calling. He looks at me maliciously.

But this is my show, you know? this is my show You might have expected something different. But if you want to see through my eyes, you must first find your way through my masquerade.

"Frank Mulgrew, can you comment on the allegations?"

Frank yells around. I can't control him. I don't know what he's saying. Frank ran away. I ran away The explosions were too strong.

The snow conjures up beautiful ice flowers on the window in my sparse room. I feel like staring at it for hours.

The little boy feels nothing. Frank just sits there and looks out the window. His dark hair covers his sweaty face.

"Are you warm, Frank?" I suddenly hear a voice that tears me out of my thoughts. "Open the window a bit."

I've never seen the girl before. She must be about my age and also live here at the boarding school, I don't know exactly. When I look into her eyes, I get the feeling at the same time that she looks familiar. But I've never seen her. At least not consciously.

I want to tell her something. I want to tell her to leave me alone. I like being alone, it doesn't bother me. I've been alone my whole life, and I don't want that to change. Why is the girl here? what does she want

She moves her mouth, but I feel like I can't hear her. i have no voice I move my lips but she doesn't seem to understand me. I am mute. mute and deaf.

"Frank, are you okay?" the girl asks.

"Who are you?" I then slip out. "How do you get into my room?"

The girl smiles at me.

"You shouldn't be alone at Christmas," she replies.

Again I want to ask her who she is. But I don't feel empowered to say anything.

"Shall we go outside for a bit? The door is open, you didn't notice it”, I hear her soft voice speaking to me.

My gaze wanders to the door. In fact, it's open. Who opened it? I was locked up here. Or I fled here, I don't know.

Was it the strange girl? Did she open the door?

"I'm Frank," I hear myself whisper. "Frank Mulgrew. They say I'm special. I am different from the others. They call me psycho. I do not know what that is."

The girl looks deep into my eyes.

"I'm Lillith," the girl introduces herself. "Lillith Henderson. But please don't tell anyone that I let you out, okay? Shall we go now?”

Her dark blonde hair shimmers in the light of the street lamp that shines in here. She is very beautiful. Lilith is beautiful.

"Lillith," it slips softly from my lips. "I've never seen you here before."

"You didn't," she confirms. "But I'm there. Let's go play in the snow for a bit. Behind the house, nobody sees us there.”

I don't know who this strange girl is. I have no idea how she got into this dungeon and how she plans to get me out of here.

---ENDE DER LESEPROBE---