The Nose E-Book

Bedrettin Simsek

• Herausgeber: Bedrettin Şimşek
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

The Nose, The Overcoat, The Carriage
Novelization of three short stories by Gogol.
With this work, Bedrettin Simsek has combined Gogol's stories "The Nose", "The Carriage" and "The Overcoat" into a single comic and fantastic novel, set these three stories in the period of the Russian Revolution of 1917, enriched them with scenes from Gogol's life, and mixed harsh reality with surrealism in a dreamlike fiction in the style of the famous film director David Lynch.

Leseprobe

Bedrettin Simsek

The Nose

Or the Comedy of Ghosts

ISBN: 9786259864419

This ebook was created with StreetLib Writehttps://writeapp.io

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"The Nose, The Overcoat, The Carriage"

Novelization of three short stories by Gogol

Translated into English by Bedrettin Simsek

Revision date NOVEMBER 2024

Bedrettin Simsek was a promising writer when his first two books were published by major Turkish publishers in 1996 and 1997. His combination of philosophy, humor, and literature set him apart from other writers, and he stood out for his skeptical attitude toward religion. When his third book, " The Discussions of an Atheist and a Clergyman" was published in 1998 by one of Turkey's leading publishers, he was sued over readers' complaints and both he and the publisher were sentenced to prison terms for insulting religious values. This sentence was suspended on the condition that he would not commit the same offense again and was noted in his record. His conviction made Bedrettin a criminal forever. All publishing houses closed their doors to him; he was excluded from the literary world. His later works were always rejected by publishers, some for fear of punishment, others for fear of reader reaction.

1

The work of Major Kovalev, the head of the department, was based on discipline, and he did not fail to try to increase the importance of his position through certain behaviors. According to his orders, when he came to the office, everyone was to meet him at the top of the stairs, and no one was to address him directly. Each job had to reach him in a strict order. The registrar has to notify the clerk, the clerk has to notify the proofreader, and the work has to come to him in a roundabout way.

He always walked around with many seals on his person and would not let anyone near him unless it was important. Therefore, he had thoroughly intimidated the ten clerks who ran his office. He lived like a spendthrift on the money he inherited from his father, who had made his fortune selling clothes to high society, but everyone knew that his mother had once been a simple woman who had earned her living by sewing. He was deathly afraid that his noble friends might remember this, and the lower he spoke to them, the harder he treated those of lesser rank. In other words, he took it out on the poor clerks in his office for not being noble, making them sharpen twenty or thirty pencils a day just to torture them. He looked like a scarecrow, so no one could say that his father had once been a haberdasher.

Even the tsar received common people in his presence, but he could not bear to see their faces. Whenever he saw a commoner, he remembered that his father had been a merchant. And when they appeared before him, he would shout, "Aren't you ashamed to disobey the government's orders?”

He was so intimidating that people passing by his door would point at him and say to each other, "Look, a dragon lives in this house”.

His mansion was the center of society. How could it not be? People gambled there every night.

Besides, he had made such friends in the palace that he was willing to go bankrupt for them. If the counts didn't cheat, they would lose a lot of money, and they would collect it from him. In other words, he lent them the money they lost gambling, so his saloon was a favorite place for all the gamblers. Then these counts would boast to him and say, "The debts of the nobles are the debts of the state. You are not indebted to us, you are indebted to the state'. The general, who was also an incorrigible gambler, would go in and out of his house as if he were his equal, jokingly telling those around him, 'What can we do? Nowadays, being a millionaire is considered a higher rank than being a general'.

The important work of the house was done by a servant named Ivan and a maid named Karolina. Ivan was so lanky that he could be mistaken for a lamppost when he stood by the side of the road in the dark of night. His favorite pastime was to lie on his back on an old leather cushion and spit at the ceiling, always aiming at the same spot.. He boasted that he could do this with great skill. Kovalev was enraged by this immodest behavior, but the servants of other houses were proud of his marksmanship. Karolina, on the other hand, dressed immodestly, as if there were a shortage of cloth in the city, and greeted guests at the door wearing nothing but an apron the size of a handkerchief.

Ever since Kovalev had aspired to nobility, he had received those who applied for his office at his home. He had a sumptuous reception room built for himself, and servants with starched collars stood at the door. One servant, who was obviously only interested in this business, wore a uniform with the insignia of a state official, held the door knocker, and would not let anyone in without a pompous ceremony. This servant always walked around with a sullen face, and it seemed more difficult to get him to agree to anything than to get a camel to jump through hoops. Because he always found something missing in the documents of those who came, and if he didn't turn them away, he felt he had failed in his duty. Although he shone like a peacock in his corded uniform, he looked ridiculous to everyone. For he had a very monkey face. But when they knocked on the door twice for the same job, he made sure he did it right. The Major, on the other hand, was pleased when, as a result of his servant's efforts, people gathered at his door and waited for hours to submit a petition. Then he felt that he was very important, that he was doing all the work of the palace, even though he was useless. And for those who did not get fired, he blamed his dogs for not biting them.

Then his servant would have the audacity to enter the bedchamber with a list of the names of those waiting to be admitted. As soon as he appeared at the door, the Major would make a fuss.

"What insolence, what shamelessness, how dare they do such a thing? Don't they know who they're talking to? Fire them all, immediately!" he would shout in his shrill voice.

Ivan, accustomed to his master's behavior, threw the list of honors in front of him and disappeared.

The major had also laid down important rules for those who came to him. He woke up every morning certain that these rules would be violated. If anyone tried to answer him, he would say:

“How dare you! Do you know who you are talking to? Do you know who is standing in front of you?”

On the other hand, he was careful not to keep his esteemed guests of the nobility waiting, receiving them in his luxuriously furnished living room and behaving in such a way as to show them his medals. When he didn't have important visitors, he would strut around his mansion, scolding his servants, expecting street vendors and coachmen to treat him with the respect due to an aristocrat. He looked at them like a king sitting on his throne and showed his servants the servants of the palace as an example. Otherwise, he would stand around all day doing nothing, bored out of his mind. According to him, work was for the people. Nobles did not work. So he was as lazy as possible, because it was not in his power not to work at all.

2

Since Major Kovalev also looked up to the King of France as a role model, he went to bed and woke up with ceremony every night. As soon as he got out of bed, the first face he wanted to see was his own. For it was his custom to greet himself in the mirror in the morning. He would not get up until the chambermaid had placed his slippers under his feet two paces away, and he would begin the day by looking at himself in the mirror. He would think how lucky he was to have such a face, and sometimes he would express this thought aloud and sing like a bird. For he always thought that a man who had two servants, three maids, ten clerks, and the finest carriage in the city could not be ugly, even if he had a nose like a crow. Seeing himself would cheer him up, and sometimes he would joke with himself and compliment his reflection in the mirror. Then he would happily slip behind the screen and wait for his servant to come and undress and dress him, thinking he was doing his servants the honor of letting them touch him.

One morning, for no reason at all, he shouted at everyone, turned the house upside down, broke a Chinese vase, chased away those waiting at his door, and even scolded his dogs. He was sitting in his office when his servant Ivan appeared, dressed like a palace janitor. He didn't bother to knock on the door, which he found open, and entered as cheerfully as a finch.

“Yesterday, no one missed you going to the general's reception in your new carriage. That's why your beloved Prince Mishkin and Count Yarijkin, the head of the senate pen, took the liberty of paying you a visit to pay their respects. And the district governor is waiting for your permission to visit," he said in his most impudent manner.

Ivan left. Kovalev looked at himself in the full-length mirror and thought, "This is where the most important people in our country come to see me in the morning".

He rang the bell. His servant Petrushka came in through one door and his maid Karolina through the other. One of them was holding his powdered wig, the other his dress, which looked like a robe decorated with artificial flowers at the bottom. They undressed and dressed him, powdered his face, put color on his lips and rouge on his cheeks. They sprayed perfume on his wig.. After all this, Kovalev looked like a clown.

Later, when he went to the hall to greet his guests, Count Yarijkin, dressed in a St. Petersburg uniform, entered with Prince Mishkin, a reveler, a duelist, a gambler.

After they had greeted each other in the manner typical of the nobility, Count Yarijkin approached Kovalev with his hands outstretched and his lips parted.

“May I kiss you, Major? Please don't refuse me, I beg you.”

When Kovalev let himself be kissed, he said, “We were all invited to the general's dinner yesterday, weren't we? What a pity we didn't meet.”

Prince Mishkin:

'Yes. There was a voice from every head. I don't know why anyone would keep talking if no one was listening.”

Kovalev acted as if he were talking about a serious matter.

"Don't say that. It is very useful to talk when nobody is listening. Then there is no disagreement. Last night I talked to myself a lot, no matter who was sitting next to me. I must say it was a very useful conversation.”

Yarijkin said mischievously:

“Yes, we heard it all, I think you repeated the gossip aloud to yourself. Those who didn't hear it heard it thanks to you.”

Kovalev:

'What did I say behind my back, Count? What's going on?'

“Come on, don't be ignorant. Of course I'm talking about the new carriage you just bought. Everyone says this masterpiece is worth a fortune.”

Kovalev: 'I bought it for four thousand rubles, sir, four thousand rubles.”

Yarijkin:

“They say that even your horse, in front of which you counted the rubles, couldn't resist neighing when it saw so much money.”

“Your kindness.”

“The poor horse is speechless with amazement.”

Kovalev chuckled:

"You spoil me.”

“Even the most stubborn, picky, grumpy people who don't like anything have learned to appreciate you since you bought this carriage.”

Kovalev:

“I thank them all.”

“Everywhere they talk about how you are so smart, so bright, so beautiful.”

Kovalev:

'Oh, is that so? I never noticed.”

“Look, even I took the liberty of visiting you at the crack of dawn with our beloved Prince Mishkin to pay my respects.”

Kovalev:

'Please don't talk like that, it makes me sick.”

Yarijkin:

"What can I lie about? After you bought this carriage, everyone is convinced that you will rise to the top.”

Kovalev:

"I take this kindness as an attempt to spoil me.”

Prince Mishkin:

"We heard that you wanted to become a deputy governor, is that true”

Kovalev, as if reciting poetry:

“I wanted to hear that from everyone at last. I had to endure the most terrible speeches, and in the end I won the hearts of many fools, who for the first time in their lives had the opportunity to be heard. But I had no strength left. I am eager for this post, if I am lucky enough to get it in return for these troubles. Everyone thinks I am worthy of the position. And I am very happy to agree with them. Because I find it very hateful to oppose the opinions of others.”

As Kovalev spoke, the servant came in and interrupted him.

"A man from the public has shamelessly come to see you. He says he is one of the officials working in your department. His name was Akakiy Akakiyevic or something like that? Needless to say, he was turned away. Nevertheless, he insists on staying at your door and refuses to leave.”

Kovalev:

"A commoner, you say? A civil servant?"

"Yes, dressed like a commoner. He would have been better off naked. Besides, he looks like he fought with bandits on the street."

Kovalev said, "Take him in. But don't put him in front of me without a long wait. We are discussing an important matter."

Then he turned to his guests.

"What are we talking about?"

Count Yarijkin:

'We were discussing your carriage.

'Oh, of course."

Prince Mishkin lit a cigarette. He made rings with the smoke:

"In short, this is the only topic of conversation in our town these days. One cannot remain indifferent to such an important event. To celebrate the arrival of this four-wheeled wonder on our streets, Prince Ivan Ivanovich will send you his orchestra, and the military commander, General Spirodnov, will come to see it in person. Even Baron Vrangel, the prosecutor of His Majesty the Emperor, who had insisted on not meeting you, gave up his stubbornness after hearing the praises of your carriage. According to protocol, after the governor's visit, he will send his servant to leave an invitation for you. This is such an invitation slip that it can be considered an admission ticket to all polite salons. In short, the aristocracy is crazy about you. Not even Turgenyev, the landlord writer with two thousand serfs, has anything like this”.

Yarijkin:

"Apparently, one of the courtiers at the palace was curious about your much-praised carriage. The tsar, overhearing, said something in four words, but no one listened. They thought he was talking about state affairs."

Kovalev took offense:

"I hope this important matter will be settled tomorrow. If they didn't listen to the tsar because he was talking about state affairs, that's all right, it's customary. But if they did not listen to His Majesty because he was talking about my carriage, I would be very angry."

Prince Mishkin:

"In short, your reputation has grown more than ever. Now the most prominent people in our city will vie with each other to invite you to their homes in such a carriage."

An hour passed in such conversations.

Ivan came again.

"Mr. Count Prushkiyevich, the director of the Inspectorate, is waiting for you to send him an invitation."

Kovalev:

"I'll write it right away," and ran to the desk. He wrote the card and handed it to the servant.

“By the way, that officer is still waiting downstairs”.

Kovalev said, 'He mustn't interrupt us, damn him! Let him wait. We're talking about something important,” he said, and after the servant left he asked, 'What were we talking about?"

"We were talking about you,' said Yarijkin.

Kovalev puffed up:

“The thing is, my dear, some boast of their lineage, others of their connections. But a fool is a fool. I boast of my own qualities."

Yarijkin:

"What humility!"

Prince Mishkin:

"Who knows how happy you are when you look in the mirror?"

Yarijkin:

"Your friendship, which is never selfish, makes us think that you are unselfish. We can't find words for your unselfish sincerity."

Kovalev boasted:

"I think, sir, that the duty of a true friend is to accustom us to good things. For the only adornment of friendship that is accompanied by good taste is a compliment."

Prince Mishkin said, "How nice! You have told us about a feeling that is the privilege of fine souls."

At these words, Kovalev and his guests had a heated discussion about true friendship. This went on for an hour. In the end the guests decided that Kovalev, who had a carriage costing four thousand rubles, was a true friend.

Then the butler came back.

"The new mayor, appointed by the government, has sent his assistant, hoping for your invitation. They say he will come after his afternoon nap if you accept."

Kovalev said happily, "I will wait with pleasure”.

Ivan:

"Also, the local chief, the undersecretary of state, who is also the director of the treasury, has sent word with his servant that he will come to see you in the evening."

Kovalev:

"I consider their visit a great honor."

Ivan:

"By the way, Mr. Akakiyevic, an officer of your department, has been waiting downstairs in the cold for three hours."

Kovalev said sternly:

"Let him wait. Especially when we are talking about something important."

The servant kept a straight face:

"Count Strogov has just arrived. He is pulling his carriage in front of the door."

Kovalev:

"Let him in at once. We're discussing an important matter. I don't want him to miss it."

Butler:

“I already did. Count Strogov”

Before the butler could finish, Count Strogov, who looked like someone out of a comic strip with his long powdered moustache, showed up drunk as usual and vomited in the middle of the hall as soon as he entered. Because of his distant relationship to the tsar, the air was filled with the smell of nobility. Ivan, accustomed to such scenes, respectfully ran to clean up the mess, while the recovering Count saluted the Major.

“Monsieur, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit this morning?” Kovalev asked, blinking his eyes.

Count Strogov:

"To what? 'Major, do you think I haven't seen it? Yesterday, all the sycophants in town were complimenting your horse, including that wicked Chertokutsky, who was licking his lips at your carriage."

"It is true that my dear Agrafena Ivanovna's reputation has grown lately," said Kovalev haughtily.

Yarijkin laughed.

"You named your horse Agrafena Ivanovna? Lucky animal indeed, it must be a pleasure for her to be ridden in front of such a carriage."

Strogov said:

"Monsieur, although your servant looks like a crow in uniform, a man would give his life for a friend with a carriage like yours”.

Kovalev was stunned:

"How could he not, sir? I tell you, I counted four thousand rubles."

Prince Mishkin looked envious.

'So that's how much it cost."

"Yes, exactly four thousand rubles."

Exhilarated by these words, Count Yarijkin stood up and greeted Kovalev again.

"Major, you have surpassed in elegance those who are supposed to be above you in rank, but whose rank I doubt. How could you not? Look, you have decorated the hem of your dress with rare English lace. Please accept me as your best friend."

Prince Mishkin couldn't take his eyes off Kovalev either:

"To tell you the truth, your outfit is beautiful. You look like a peacock. I think you have a cage sewn under your skirt. May I have a look?" he asked. When permission was granted, he bent down and put his head inside Kovalev's skirt.

At that moment the servant returned and said, "Sir, Mr. Akakiyevic."

Kovalev, who could hardly stand because of the prince, said:

"Again? Let him wait. You see, we are busy with important business at the moment."

After the servant left, he asked, "So, what were we talking about?"

Count Strogov:

"We were discussing your dress. Prince, what do you see when you look through it?"

Prince Mishkin, looking up Kovalev's skirt:

"Everything looks great from here. I can say that the view from here is very good". He stood up. "And what about the shirt with the six flowers? Isn't it exactly tailored according to the palace dress code? Won't it save us from the boredom of a crowd of men in black tails who are nothing but a dry crowd?"

Soon, while ice cream and lemonade were being served, Count Rouhnov entered, walking as if he had swallowed a stick in his most arrogant manner. He wore a blue jacket with brass buttons and silk gloves on his hands. His face was so haughty that it resembled a mask.

He handed his hat and gloves to the servant who followed him.

"How do you do, gentlemen?" he greeted the room. "What have you been talking about?" Turning to Kovalev, he said, "I think there's a frozen officer waiting downstairs. You'd better let him in as soon as possible."

Kovalev:

"Who is such a simple officer that he dares to come to my house? I think he has forgotten who he is. Or he doesn't know who I am."

Count Rukhnov smoothed his hair with his long-nailed hands and said, "It is ignorant of him not to know you, but it is not for your servant to introduce your worthy person to such an ignoramus."

Prince Mishkin was known to be a merciful man; he was not willing to keep the official waiting any longer.

"I think this Mr. Akakiyevic has waited long enough," he said.

Kovalev lost his patience:

"Well, let him come."

The servant pompously announced the name of Akakiy Akakyivevich.

Count Ruhnov:

"What a strange name, they must have looked it up in the calendar."

A moment later a short, reddish, chipmunk-eyed officer came in, his head partly bare, both cheeks wrinkled and pitiful. He was trembling. But not because he was in front of important people, but because of the cold. For some reason, in this northern frost, the poor officer appeared before them in a thin, shabby uniform, without a coat on his back. He was obviously frozen to the bone. But those present were not interested in his plight. Despite his miserable condition, they looked at him as if he were a fly in the door.

Kovalev was stern:

"What do you want?"

The officer said in a thin voice:

"Well... Forgive me, sir. Some important reasons...'

Kovalev interrupted, looking in amazement at the counts eating ice cream, "Important reasons?" He turned to the officer and said, "Sir, don't you know your way around? Why did you come to me? Don't you know how to control things? First, a petition should be submitted; the petition should go to the corrector, the corrector to the branch manager, the branch manager to my secretary, and the secretary to me."

Hearing these words, the scribe lost all courage and did not know what to say. When he looked up and met the hard look, he felt bitter despair about the prospects that had led him there.

Strogov, with an ice-cream cone in his hand, could not bear it and began to laugh hideously.

"Forgive me, Your Excellency, I have disturbed you," said Akakiyevich, "because clerks are not to be trusted."

Kovalev was furious.

"Wow, how dare you! Who put such thoughts into your head? How can such disrespectful ideas spread among young people toward their superiors?"

The officer could hardly hold back tears.

"I, Your Excellency... I have disturbed you," he stammered.

Kovalev became even angrier.

"And do you know to whom you are speaking? Do you know who stands before you? Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"

The major's face became even more furious. Count Yarijkin fell down laughing.

Kovalev:

"You enter my house as if you were entering the office of a simple official. I throw you out. Get out!"

When the officer came out half-dead with the help of a servant, Kovalev took the opportunity to give a lecture on the matter, showing his guests that his words had the power to make a man faint. Then all the guests went down to the stable to see the major's new carriage.

3

Among Kovalev's visitors that same day was Madame Fekla, known in high society as the Peddler. During the war, when people couldn't even find a piece of cloth to cover themselves with, this stout woman in her fifties sold cloth for dresses, fashionable hats, ribbons, and scarves to the rich and made all sorts of shady deals on their behalf. She had great influence over the aristocracy. Women, who owed the beauty of their clothes to this vixen, tried to curry her favor even more than the tsarina. Despite her gout, she walked here and there, and her face, which was just beginning to grow a beard, was full of cunning. She arranged meetings for lovers, acted as an intermediary, arranged marriages, carried letters, gifts, news, and satisfied the hunger of ears hungry for gossip. A house that she did not visit was considered to be living without a care in the world. She shared all the secrets of the families and was of great importance as their spy. A few years ago, Kovalev sent for her and told her that he wanted to receive a title of nobility.

"My father was a millionaire, but not a nobleman," he said. "If he had been a landowner, it would have been possible to receive a title of nobility under the old law. But unfortunately he wasn't a landlord," he lamented, finally crying, "believe me, when they ask me who your parents are, I find myself in a very difficult situation."

Madame Fekla, who always had a remedy in mind, devised a plan for him. He would tell everyone that his parents were not his real parents. A baron, afraid of the scandal, had given his child from a noblewoman as an infant to people who were now known to everyone as his parents. The baron forgot about this child, Kovalev, who remembered him years later, regretted what he had done and decided to legally recognize him. Kovalev would then be able to receive the title of nobility. The whole job was to find such a baron in Russia.

Kovalev hired Madame Fekla for the job, ignoring Madame Fekla's warning, "But it will cost you a lot of money," and in two years she still hadn't found the baron she was looking for, even though he had spent a lot of money.

She kept extorting money from the major, citing travel expenses and inconvenience. Each time she lied and said she had found such a family, but it didn't work out at the last minute. "Please hurry," Kovalev grew impatient. "My enemies are already digging through the graves to find out my ancestry. I get away with telling them I don't remember my parents, but how long can I keep up this lie"

"Take your time," replied the peddler. "We must find a family of barons and dukes. Surely a worthy person like you, who has been wronged by his parents..."

And so it went on, and for two years the peddler kept Kovalev waiting, plucking him like a goose, while she attached a flaw to every family she found.

Finally she said:

"The ones I have at my disposal now seem more worthy of your fame. Suffice it to say that they live in a rich mansion with silk-covered walls.. These nobles are willing to adopt your precious person if I cannot find someone better. They have agreed to make up for the wrong your parents did to you. You can already start writing a fake memoir and invent any life you want."

"Who is that?" asked Kovalev suspiciously.

Madame Fekla:

"Grand Duke Hlestakov."

Kovalev:

"I've never heard of him."

The witch began to explain.

"How could you not have heard of him? He's the kind of man who has never played tricks on the Czar. He is always loyal to him, he is an absolutist. He looks very religious, but he is not, like all politicians. I've been looking for a family for you for a long time, and I've been very careful to make sure that the family I've been looking for is a little immoral. Finally, God help me, I've found the one we want, because all their children are illegitimate. People won't be surprised that they have another one."

Kovalev:

"So tell me about him, tell me so that when they ask me who your parents are, I won't say I don't know. I'll be able to give lots of details about them."

Madame Fekla:

"Patience, you will learn everything. I have collected all the information about your family and I can tell you that it is a very famous and honorable family. Your father's lineage goes back to Peter the Great."

"And my mother?"

"Actually, I have found two mothers for you. Whichever one you like, you can make her your mother. You can choose. The first belongs to the Sotenville dynasty, one of the largest families in France. Her name is Angelique and she is married to a George Dandin".

Kovalev:

"Let me write it down so that I don't forget, but how can I be another man's child when my mother is married to someone else?"

The peddler is like a fool:

"As I said, you are an illegitimate child. You were born as a product of the friendship between Russia and France. One of your grandfathers had dozens of such children. Because his enemies say that he slept with 1260 women in his lifetime. Don't believe it, of course. Anyway, womanizing was hereditary in your family. If I push my luck, you could be related to the Queen of England.”

Kovalev grinned like a boiled head.

"I wouldn't mind having lords and ladies in my line."

Madame Fekla:

"It would be to your honor. According to historians, your grandfather's grandfather was one of Tsarina Catherine's lovers and had the honor of sharing a bed with her. Later he cheated on his wife with a princess, the granddaughter of Peter the Great. After that, the family tradition was unbroken. Your father's great-grandmother was one day courted by the Czar's brother-in-law. The only way she could escape this clingy man was to flee to France. In the Louvre, a cousin of the king laid a fortune at the feet of this Russian princess to flatter her. She couldn't say no to this most honorable love. In bed, she represented our country well and proved to him that she was a piece worthy of a monarch. What happened that night should make you as happy as they were. For it gives you the honor of being related to the King of France. And it was from this relationship that your great-grandmother was born. Supposedly, the general didn't know where to hide this illegitimate daughter from the eyes of his wife. He sent her to Russia. When she grew up and became beautiful, she became so frivolous that men fought duels over her every day. Fearing the decline of the male population in St. Petersburg, the Tsar decided to send her to the Queen's service to bring down the English court from within.. As soon as she arrived in London, she seduced an English lord. The lord wrote a poem in English for her beautiful eyes. She said yes even though she didn't understand English. At the same time, she had all the English nobles chasing after her. She almost caused a fire in the palace of England because it was never easy to put out her fire. So the queen sent her to the palace of the king of Sweden, near the poles, to cool off. And the lord followed her. There they had a love that would melt the ice caps. They didn't marry, of course, but you pretend they did. And out of that affair came your father's great-grandmother. So England joined the alliance between Russia and France."

Kovalev was now convinced that he was related to the Queen of England.

"And then?"

"This woman, like the other women of your clan, was a model of honor and chastity. When she was of marriageable age, she came to France to find a suitable husband and met Monsieur Mascarille. Have you heard of him?"

"No."